UPDATE To My "Seeking Some Insight" Thread

Thanks for the replies guys. UPDATE: I talked to my therapist. She addressed the question of "Do you REALLY want to break up, or do you want to maybe work on communication and see if it works?" After talking through an hour long session, I came to the conclusion that I want to work through the communication issues. This relationship started at the end of the semester, and admittedly in a not so healthy fashion. But I do like her. And I think she can come around to adapting and accepting that I am poly. She has even agreed to come to therapy with me, and I've agreed to go see her therapist with her. Sometimes, it's a communication issue, and things seem way bigger than they are. All relationships have issues - especially when they involve people who have well, issues of their own. But I don't want to throw something away, something that has the potential to be good, because we got started off on the wrong foot. We'll see what happens, and I am willing to keep anyone interested updated. I am feeling much better now.
 


I'm with Tinwen. Sounds like a good plan.

Regarding clarity. I'll reiterate that it has really helped me to remember that breakup mentality over exclusivity is part of mono culture. Therefore right from the start I was willing to help my mono partner figure it out and accept that if she couldn't adapt, then she'll breakup with me. That put the responsibility for staying in the relationship or breaking up over exclusivity squarely on her and allowed me to remain true to everyone including myself.

Some would no doubt question that wisdom because it's a foregone conclusion that there will be problems. My counterpoint to that is that even poly relationships can be challenging, maybe even more challenging sometimes, but for different reasons. So just because it's a challenge doesn't necessarily mean a partner deserves to be discarded.

The thing that caused the latest breakup with me was that someone became interested in me on OKC and we had planned to meet. In true poly disclosure style I was entirely forthcoming about it, and that set her off. Fortunately we don't live together so it wasn't that big a deal. So I'd say that if yours does the same thing just let her go and carry on.

In the meantime, probably the most important practical advice is that it's a bad idea to move in with anyone you're in a relationship with who isn't poly or poly friendly or you could end up in a codependent situation with constant discord where a breakup means losing out materially as well as emotionally.

Thank you for this comment. After seeing my therapist, this is where I am at right now. My therapist was like, "do you REALLY want to break up, or do you want to work this out?" I realized that fear of not being able to adapt and all was driving the "I need out and I need out NOW" kind of feeling.
 
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