Feeling All the Feels

Well this is quite the turn of events....

So I'm doing a lot better. I'm a little nervous because it feels like the feelings of "better" are mostly related to replacement. As in, I'm not thinking about Laptop because I've replaced that relationship with other opportunities.

I was having fun on OkCupid, and seemed to be finding some interesting people to contact. I wasn't giving it a lot of thought -- mostly just sending random messages to people with the first thought that popped into my head. I told one guy that he was freakishly beautiful and had an extremely symmetrical face and he seemed to enjoy that and we chatted for a bit, etc. Another guy I told him we might be soulmates because he mentioned Alison Bechdel in his profile... just fun, silly chatting. I chatted a bit more with the guy from Sunday night, but then I got super distracted because....

Last night I was swiping around and came across a guy who is about 8 years older and a 98% match for me. I know match percentage isn't everything, but Ponytail, Laptop and Glasses are all 97+% matches with me and they are the only people I have had any inclination to hang out with more than once.

Anyway, so I'm looking at this guy's profile and it's really speaking to me. Like, the way he writes and the stuff he talks about...silly-smart, not snobby-smart...genuine. And the way he describes his induction into polyamory is awesome. Looking at his questions, we are nearly-perfectly aligned and in a lot of cases where he commented on his answer it was pretty much exactly what I was thinking too.

So then I'm scrolling through his pictures....A few of them are clearly from his younger days and -- BAM -- I get the eery sense that I know this guy!

So I send him a message asking him if we worked together 10 years ago. He wasn't sure but when I told him my real name (it isn't linked to my OKC profile) he remembered. We only worked together for a year and didn't stay in touch after that but he was one of the people at that job that I considered a workplace friend. He and his wife got married the same year that Glasses and I did -- in fact, our workplace threw us a joint wedding shower.

Well, lo and behold, he and that same wife have been polyamorous for the last 7 years and now I stumble across his profile on OKC. It was late at night and so after confirming that we remembered each other I told him I'd love to catch up sometime and then headed to bed. When I woke up I saw that he'd invited me to go to a concert this weekend and given me his number. I explained that I will be out of town but that I'd love to get together.....blah, blah, blah: We're getting together for lunch tomorrow and I'm so excited!
 
Yay?!

Things went well with lunch. Bug was there too because she had had a doctors appt that day. It breaks the ice, but it also makes things a little awkward. At some point, though, when we were talking about OkCupid, he said, “would you call this a date? I wasn’t sure....” and I said, “I don’t know I was kind of wondering the same thing. Would you like it to be a date?” And he said, “I think I would. A bit unusual...having a three-year-old as a chaperone....”☺️

Anyway, so I guess it was a date. Unusual also, though, to have a date with someone you have barely communicated with. There’s no way I would normally go out with someone after only sending a handful of messages — I think we had exchanged a total of 6 messages (the first 3 of which were just establishing that we remembered each other) before we started making plans to meet up!

I don’t know what the etiquette is here now. With Ponytail (the only other person in recent memory that I have gone on a “first date” with) we had already been talking a ton — like daily texting even before our first date and just kept up the back and forth after that. With this guy, though, well....there is no established communication pattern....and now that we have a second “date” planned does that mean that we, like, have to talk to each other more?
 
Fluttering Butterflies

:eek:

I don't know how to control my fluttering feelings. I'm so nervous about this new guy...I'm gonna call him Whiskers...and I don't know what to do with all that nervous energy.

I think I have a problem with believing that someone is interested in me. I think it is something that is ingrained deep within me....a sense that somehow it is bad for me to think of myself as attractive or acknowledge that someone might be into me. I only really "believe" it if it is super overt and obvious. My first relationship was with a guy who was obviously into me. My second relationship was with a guy who was more reserved and it didn't work out. And then came Glasses and Glasses was obviously into me. Ponytail was obviously into me. Laptop? Who the heck knows what was going on in Laptop's mind. And then, yeah, that's pretty much my whole adult dating history.

So here I am looking at Whiskers. It's less than a week since I first saw him on OKC and sent him a message. But I already feel excited every time I get a text from him. And he said he'd like to think of our lunch together as a date -- so that must mean he is interested in me, right? And then he suggested that we schedule our next date, so that must mean he's interested, right? And then at the end of the "date" he asked for a hug and it was a really nice, lingering, warm hug.....so that must mean he is interested, RIGHT?

Kinda.....maybe?

I think what makes me nervous is that I actually this is legitimately how things are "supposed" to go in dating. You're supposed to be tentatively feeling each other out. I don't feel confident because I vascillate between the extremes: "You should think about how you might initiate a kiss on your next date...." and then "OMG! Don't let him know you like-like him!"

You're not supposed to be "in love" at this stage....and you're also not supposed to pretend that you don't like each other. He could go on 3 or 4 dates with me and then say, "It has been fun to get to know you but I'm not really interested." That's different from my other relationships in which things usually escalated pretty fast because we were friends first (or, in the case of Ponytail, just because we fell for each other hard and fast).

I'm just not used to this stage of relationship. And what stage is this even? Former colleagues and workplace friends who hadn't talked for 9 years and now have independently undergone relationship-shape-restructuring and are tentatively expressing interest in .....something....with each other? Where's the Cosmo article that explains "the rules" for how I navigate this one?
 
This is why I don't date. :D I tend to overthink every situation, so the dating game isn't a good fit for me. Maybe you're the same way, MsEmotional... idk... but if you're going to go there, just try to have fun with it I guess. <3
 
Just... figure out if you want a next date, ok? :D
If you're overall ok with developing a new relationship or not, I don't think it should be much more complicated then that.
 
Riding the Rollercoaster Again

Today I was really busy with work and that helped me not think about or obsess over Whiskers. The balance of texting felt more natural because I wasn't constantly checking my phone. This is what I miss about teaching -- I couldn't look at my phone during the workday and therefore wasn't always expectantly wondering about the next text.

Anyway, it felt really good. Reminds me that I need to stay busy and productive and that doing so will help the jitters dissipate.

I'm at the airport now and we texted a bit and I made a few suggestions for activities for our next date (which is the day after tomorrow) and he liked my ideas, which also made me feel good.

I really like him. I'm hoping things go somewhere.....but I'm also trying not to fret over it too much. I don't want this to turn into another Laptop situation.....
 
Up and Down and Up and Down Again

Ponytail texted me this morning that he disabled his OKC account again. He hasn't been feeling good about dating and it's been weighing on his mind a lot. It's only been a week since I helped him re-open the account. I'm struggling with his decision.

A couple weeks ago we went to a D/s and Non-Monogamy munch hosted by our local BDSM/Kink group. One of the experienced poly people there said that she had an experience in which one of her partners who had been formerly monogamous had started online dating and it forced her to start confronting her feelings and insecurities about that. Then the partner shut down their OKC profile and she was like, "Shit," because she knew that she wasn't going to be forced to confront her insecurities.

This is how I am feeling with Ponytail. He talks about wanting to date, I confront my insecurities and get on board with that idea, then he gets frustrated and stops dating and I get to snuggle in to the reassurance that he is all mine again, and then the cycle continues.

It is frustrating because I obviously cannot make someone date other people. But at the same time, I know that I cannot meet all his needs and that ultimately he wants to have another partner aside from me because otherwise he feels lonely when I am not available.

The additional trouble, of course, is that in only 10 days time, things went south with Laptop and I re-opened my OKC account, I re-connected with Whiskers, I helped Ponytail re-open his account, I made a second date with Whiskers, and now Ponytail has closed his account again.

Do I want to see Whiskers again? Yes.
Do I feel kind of guilty for seeing Whiskers again, knowing that Ponytail has abandoned dating -- and that the primary reason that Ponytail had started dating in the first place was because he knew he couldn't ask for more time from me? Yes.

It's interesting because we have some friends who have some kind of agreement that they only date other people when their spouse is dating other people. I don't totally understand all the details -- do they break up with their lover if their spouse and their metamour break up? Or does the rule only apply to dating new people? Anyway, it's neither here nor there, but Ponytail was saying that he thought the whole thing was really weird and made the relationships of one person in the marriage dependent on the other person's dating ability. Ironically, I can totally see how we could fall into a similar agreement if we didn't have ethical concerns about it.

It feels like it is really hard for me to consider dating anyone new if Ponytail isn't dating anyone else -- not because of lack of interest, but because it just feels somehow like I am cheating. I think Ponytail has the perception that since I already have Glasses, I am "ahead" of him and therefore he is trying to catch up. I, on the other hand, feel a lot better about Ponytail dating if I am open to dating too. It helps me keep things in perspective. So as soon as Ponytail dates, I become more interested in dating, and as soon as Ponytail stops dating, I feel pressured to stop dating. It doesn't feel healthy and that's certainly not what Ponytail is telling me to do -- it's just where my problem-solving mind goes when I am dealing with the feelings of guilt or worry for someone else's feelings.

I remember writing about this way back last year when I was feeling bad that Glasses wasn't having success with dating and I felt like I was "supposed" to break up with Ponytail but I was also acutely aware that that wasn't fair to Ponytail or to myself. That's what I feel like now. I feel like I'm "supposed" to cancel my date with Whiskers, despite the fact that I like Whiskers and would like to go on another date with him.
 
Last edited:
I went out with Whiskers again today. We went mini-golfing. He seemed very anxious about time at first — initially saying that he thought mini-golfing would take too long and then when he picked me up and I asked what his timeline looked like, saying he needed to get back to work (he works from home) within an hour and a half or so, etc.

But when we were done mini golfing he didn’t seem so intent on leaving, asked me if I wanted to get a bite to eat, when I said I wasn’t hungry, asked me what I’d like to do next, etc. When I reminded him that it was 2pm and he had said he thought he should get back to work by 2pm, he said it just seemed like a short date and so I told him my schedule was flexible if he wanted to stay out later....we ended up getting ice cream and chatting some more and then he drove me home and gave me a hug.

It was nice. On several occasions he described us as “dating” — which I liked because it reinforced the previous conversation in which we had expressed an interest in dating each other. With the touch barrier already broken as of our other date, we were able to casually touch each other without it being weird.

I had been hoping for a kiss, but there really wasn’t much of a natural opportunity. We were in very public settings and, upon reflection, he was getting over a cold and still coughing....since he had commented that we shouldn’t share ice cream because of his cold, it would have been extra odd if he had then kissed me. When he hugged me, though, he nearly took my breath away. Which I liked.
 
Meet the Polycule

The other day I mentioned to Whiskers that Ponytail and some of my visiting relatives and I would all be going to a local festival. This is a big festival — really big — and he said that he would be going with his whole family and polycule too and that we should orchestrate a meet-up.

I was a little hesitant about this — mostly because Ponytail has expressed apprehension about me dating Whiskers. So I talked to Ponytail in advance and said that this was a possibility, but that if he wasn’t comfortable I’d just explain that to Whiskers and say it would be better if they met another time. Long story short, Ponytail processes the situation and said that he was nervous but that it wasn’t something that needed to be avoided.

So we get to the festival and start exchanging locations... “we’re over by the ____” and then “now we’re on our way to the ____!” Etc. Then when my sister was changing her baby’s diaper and I was on my way to recycle something I checked my messages and saw that Whiskers had messaged me that he was on his way to the carousel (where I had last reported my location)....and then I got a message saying he was there and looking for me! I found the recycling place and went back to the carousel where I saw Whiskers talking to Ponytail! I had shown Whiskers a picture of Ponytail at some point and so he knew what Ponytail looked like and, I guess, just went right up to him and started chatting about T-shirts!

So Ponytail and Whiskers meeting went fine. Me meeting Whiskers’s polycule was a bit more awkward. First of all, I hugged his wife! 😳 I have no idea what I was thinking but it just seemed like the appropriate thing to do at the time. She seemed okay with me, but kind of confused — like maybe she had thought she would recognize me and didn’t. His girlfriend looked even more confused, though. She didn’t smile or anything and it was odd....but I think she had just arrived, so she probably had no idea what was going on. In fact, I know that she had no idea what was going on because then he said, “this is MsEmotional...” and then “MsEmotional is someone I have never mentioned to you before....we worked together a long time ago” (to which I interjected “a LONG time ago — like 10 years ago!”) “— and she recently found me on OkCupid and we’ve been on like two dates.”

So, yeah, it was awkward. She still didn’t smile. She shook my hand but seemed totally caught off-guard. Thankfully at that point Whiskers took me over to meet his daughter and his wife’s boyfriend and his girlfriend, so I got a little more space from the awkwardness. When we came back I explained that we were going to go find something to eat and it was nice to meet them...Whiskers asked where Glasses was and I explained that Glasses couldn’t come along because of work. And then we made our goodbyes and parted ways.

Ponytail did great! I was so happy that it went well on my end and that I had the foresight to prep Ponytail in advance. I don’t know why Whiskers didn’t do the same on his end...I suppose maybe he just assumed that it wouldn’t be a big deal...but it also seemed like something that has never happened before. He’s been poly for 7 years and I get the impression that he hasn’t dated anyone new since getting together with his girlfriend 4 years ago. So maybe this is uncharted territory.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with me at all. Maybe she had just had a weird experience on the bus or something. Who knows?
 
I kissed him!

I kissed Whiskers! I’m so happy!

We had a really nice date and it ended with him walking me to my car in the drizzling rain and then I asked him if I could kiss him. He said, “yeah, let’s do that,” all non-chalantly. And then I stopped him right before we almost collided and asked him if there were any techniques for kissing someone with facial hair and he said, “I don’t know, why don’t you find out?”

And then we kissed. And I really liked it. And I want to do it again.
 
Last edited:
Holy crapola

So there was a girl who I encountered a few weeks ago when I was last on OKC. When I went off OKC I shot her a message giving her my number and telling her I would love to hang out sometime. Then when I went back on I told her I was back and would love to hang out. She kept saying things along the lines of “I would like that” but seemed hesitant and I didn’t want to push it.

Well, out of nowhere today I got a message asking if I want to get together tomorrow. And then she asked for my number and we texted.

And boy did we text! I got a lot of details about her ex....who she just broke up with two days ago. And she asked me a lot of questions about my partners.....and whether I am interested in dating anyone else....and whether a kiss would be on the table if we hit it off tomorrow.

Here I have been getting so worked up and frustrated by these guys who arent direct with me about their intentions....and now this girl is being *very* direct with me — before I have even met her — and I’m feeling intimidated! I mean, I like her and I am excited to meet her in person.....but I am totally nervous. I have never kissed a girl before in my life...and she basically said that’s what she’s hoping for.
 
Last edited:
Updates and More Questions

Just realized I hadn’t written for awhile and my last post was all about going on my first date with a girl.I mentioned in another thread, the date didn’t go super well. I liked her and we had chemistry but the red flags were pretty intense and I just couldn’t see it going any farther than that. It’s okay, but I was pretty disappointed at first.

No clue what is going on with Whiskers. I really don’t get much of an “I like you!” vibe from him. He seems really chill. Sometimes I think maybe he’s awkward like me, but he also seems really....nonchalant? On our first date he described himself as a relationship anarchist — does that mean he doesn’t have romantic intentions towards anyone and just sees each relationship as a friendship that may or may not include sex?

Still haven’t had “alone time” since the night we kissed, so I don’t know what vibes I would be getting if we had. I tried to flirt with him the other night and he didn’t seem to quite get it that that’s what I was attempting to do. Then he and his wife and kid and I and Ponytail and my kids met up at a queer family event last weekend. And so I got to chat a little more with his wife, which I liked but was also kind of awkward.

What confuses me is that he still calls all our get-togethers “dates.” Like when he was talking to his wife about something we did a couple weeks ago, he referred to it as something we did on one of our dates. It feels like, if he was trying to *not* date me anymore and establish a “just friends” boundary, that he would have subtly started calling our get-togethers “meet-ups” or “lunch breaks” or something. Although maybe there’s no such thing as “just friends” boundaries with relationship anarchists anyway? Because friendship is valued equally with romantic/sexual relationships?

Am I making a mistake by trying to flirt or show interest in him at all? Maybe the reason he didn’t “get it” when I tried to flirt with him was that he found it off-putting to have someone come on to him when he is just getting to know them?
 
Ack! Not again!

Why am I so fecking addicted to dating? I simultaneously love it and hate it. Every time I start to think, “okay, this time I am going to stop checking it/shut down my profile,” I suddenly meet someone cool that I want to get to know.

This new guy is really easy to talk to and pretty adorable. He’s six years younger than I am! 😳

It would be totally fine except that my partners are already overwhelmed by how much my attention is divided. I’m afraid to tell them that I have a date with yet another guy from OKC. But it doesn’t affect them at all — it’s just coffee on a weekday....I just know that it’s going to make them nervous....but I also know that I should probably give them a heads up.
 
Another First Date

Went out with the young guy from OKC this morning. It was okay. I had fun and he was nice to talk to. I didn’t exactly feel tingly sparks, but I don’t know that that’s a bad thing — so long as we mutually didn’t feel tingly sparks. Despite the fact that he said he was open to anything from friendship to falling in love, he also had been trying to steer the conversation toward flirting/sex in our texts....I didn’t get that vibe from him in person as much, but it was still something I was aware of whe it came to my signals. We made tentative plans to meet up again sometime and see a movie we are both interested in. Hoping there are no expectations. It’s a documentary, so....
 
Wowzers!

4th date (finally — it had been like 3 weeks!) with Whiskers this evening. He picked somewhere with decidedly “romantic” ambiance for drinks and he picked me up. Even so, we hadn’t exactly had a lot of energy between the two of us in the interim between now and when we had kissed.

During the date, I think we both started to feel more chemistry. At one point he asked me to move closer to him and then told me that on our first few dates he hadn’t quite felt the connection that he was looking for but that tonight something had clicked. I told him that I had kind of sensed that and we had an interesting conversation about why we suspected that things had clicked this evening. He also told me that 10 years ago when we worked together, he had had a crush on me! He was quick to tell me that he gets lots of crushes and that he hadn’t been pining or anything....but that he thought I was cute and that I had had a “bouncy personality.”

Anyway, there was more touching, more kissing....when he drove me back to my house I invited him in and, after some initial hesitation about the time, he came in. We made out on my couch and he asked if I wanted to fuck. I confesssed that I have only had PIV sex with two people and that it is kind of a big deal for me to have sex with someone new, so I wasn’t ready yet. He was totally fine with that.

But then we moved things to the bedroom. And then he was making me feel SO good and then I found myself asking him to fuck me. After some initial challenges (finding where I had put the condoms), he went down on me and then fucked me.

It was amazing. I didn’t know that it was possible for sex to be so amazing with a new partner. I kinda figure there is always a learning curve with someone new. But, I mean, I don’t have a lot of experience with new partners, so maybe I guess the experience of having sex with Ponytail for the first time is all I really have to go on.

But yeah. It was insanely great sex. I came like 10 times and he was very expressive about how much he enjoys making me cum and watching me cum. Oh! And he came too. At the same time as I did. Which was awesome.

Fuck. I am so happy. I feel so good. I am trying so hard not to overthink this.
 
Limbo Limbo

Lots has been going on....see here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107802

We are currently in a weird limbo. Still have over 2 weeks before we see the therapist.

We see each other every few days. We still text everyday. Trying not to talk about the hard stuff until we see the therapist. Just trying to support each other and be friends.

At least, that's how I see it. That's what I want right now. I just want to know that we can love each other and not be right for each other. That even if we split up, we can negotiate a different style of relationship that will allow us to still be in each other's lives. That is what I've tried to communicate to Ponytail too. But when I say things to that effect he just starts getting misty-eyed and saying he screwed everything up.

Last Friday we took the kids to the zoo. Tonight we are going to get together and play board games....we still kiss....so how is this really any different from a couple weeks ago? Are we friends who kiss and tell each other we love each other? Are we a couple who is going through a separation? Are we in the process of breaking up amicably? What's going on?
 
As my name suggests....

I am (you guessed it) emotional.

Last night I went out with Whiskers again for the first time since we had sex and Ponytail broke up with me. I had contacted Whiskers a week or so ago, asking him if he wanted to get together at a museum. I hadn't necessarily meant it as a date -- more like I just didn't want to lose the connection with him entirely just because of all the Ponytail drama. I still have a long time before Ponytail and I see a therapist, so things are kind of in limbo and I don't want that to mean that the rest of my life just stops.

My idea for a daytime visit to a museum, though, wasn't going to work out because of scheduling issues and so he suggested an evening date instead. I was a little nervous when he started calling it a date and I worried that maybe I should cancel....but ultimately I started getting excited to see him again and my mental health seems to be in a good enough place that I am wiling to be open to see where this all goes.

"Where it all goes" turned out to be my bedroom again. We had a really nice time out at a bar and then we discussed what we wanted to do next and "going back to your place and fucking" was one of the options....and the option that I chose.

I had fun, I had lots of orgasms, and I didn't cry. But still.....

Fuck. I feel so vulnerable.

I don't know what it is about him....he just has his shit so together and seems so....composed. It makes me feel like an emotional mess and a loser by comparison.....and yet I totally want to be around him.

He's composed in bed too. He just tells me what to do. He suggests things specifically for my pleasure, but he doesn't so much ask as much as he just flatly states what he wants to happen. For example, he said he wanted to fuck me from behind and I said I'd try but I wasn't sure because I don't have a lot of experience with that position. He just said, "Okay, well what's going to happen is I'm going to pull out, you're going to flip over and be on your knees and your elbows. I'm going to put my cock in you from behind so that it is pointing forward and because of the angle of my penis, it's going to rub against your clit from the inside and give you a lot of really intense stimulation. I think you're really going to like it. But if you don't, we can stop."

Well damn. He's so....direct. It's a turn-on but it's also almost unnerving.

He's pretty stoic, which is a huge change from Ponytail and Glasses. He laughs and jokes with me and he can be silly, but by comparison, he is probably the most serious person I have ever been with. It's like the difference between someone who chuckles versus someone who belly laughs. It's the difference between someone who smiles with their lips and someone who smiles with their teeth. It's the difference between someone who studies you versus someone who gazes at you.

The stand-offishness is hard to describe. I'm kinda drawn to it, but I also don't know that I'm totally at ease with it either and I am wondering whether that is because we are still getting to know each other or whether that is because he isn't a good match for me. On the other hand, after all the heartache that Ponytail's infatuation with me has caused, maybe it's for the best if I try to be with someone who is a little less invested in me.

I really do like him. I admire him. I'm hoping that we can figure out a level of relationship that we can enjoy with each other.
 
Good for you not letting your life totally stop due to the other things going on with Ponytail. Not that it's horrible to take breaks from things to process lots of emotions.... but at the end of the day, you have decided to be polyamorous. So if that is important to you, then you need to be able to live that way and have partners that can handle it. And if you think that you might have a good thing going, enjoy it! Maybe it will even help you to find some clarity in what you need your relationships to look like in order for them to work.
 
Good for you not letting your life totally stop due to the other things going on with Ponytail. Not that it's horrible to take breaks from things to process lots of emotions.... but at the end of the day, you have decided to be polyamorous. So if that is important to you, then you need to be able to live that way and have partners that can handle it. And if you think that you might have a good thing going, enjoy it! Maybe it will even help you to find some clarity in what you need your relationships to look like in order for them to work.

Thank you. I wish I had a better sense of not only what I want my relationships to look like, but also how I want them to feel. I feel like I am drawn to the “what does it look like” of a relationship with Whiskers (stable, relaxed, open, out, family-oriented) but less sure of the “how does it feel.”

Last night when we were having sex, I said some things that made me feel particularly vulnerable. At one point, I wistfully said something about him being “fucking perfect” — I didn’t mean it in a “you’re my soulmate and I want to run away with you” kind of way. I meant it more in a “you are cute and I like your cock in me” kind of way. Even so, he skipped a beat and then he said, “you look so beautiful.” I almost wanted to reassure him that he didn’t have to say stuff like that if it didn’t come naturally, but then I didn’t want to break the moment by being self-deprecating and so I just let it go.

It’s stuff like that, though. I wish I could feel comfortable just being effusive with him and not worry that he will feel pressured to do the same.
 
I think that's the sort of thing that can be overcome though. I quick follow-up convo where you say, "hey, I notice that you hesitated the other night when I said you were perfect, and I'd like to clarify what I meant." but then also use that as an opportunity to describe how you talk to partners. Basically let him know that you saying things like that doesn't necessarily mean that you think he's your soulmate and they're not meant to be these huge grandiose sentiments, even if they might sound like it to him. So if that is a concern of his, then he can relax. And if he does wonder if anything that you've said is that... then he can always ask about it later. That you don't expect him to say something big in response.

Hopefully there will be less of those sort of mix-ups as you continue to interact and get to know each other. But that is often just part of learning how to effectively communicate with a new person.
 
Back
Top