Living Truthfully Within

I am finally ready to talk about what happeend with Trip.

Basically, things had started to fizzle out while I was on holiday. He got cagey and secretive, and dropped out on texting emailing or talking to me.

When I got back he described seeing me again like a waking dream. He didnt seem comfortable or ok with it. It was weird.

Then I find out he has been seeing another woman, who is cheating on her long term partner with Trip. And its a long time work friend, and hes not only kept this from me, but kept it from his partner, P. Also she is keeping it from his partner. And they all know each other. That's why he dropped communication. Thats why he went secretive.

Then P gets a hold of me and tells me she doesn't think she's poly, she's a serial monogamist with overlapping lovers, one she leaves ones she going to.

So basically that explains her fear of me, if they both are cheaters and not poly. It explains a lot in fact.

There is so much unhealthy going on there. And I am glad I put that behind me. We aren't in touch at the moment. Since I downgraded him. He called only once to "explain how cheating isnt as bad as it sounds", and I was rather sarcastic and angry. So Yes. Thats that story in a nutshell.
 
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I just finished reading a novel called "the womens room". I loved it!
It was hopeful, intelligent, made me think about men and womens roles, and why we fall into them and if we can ever really escape them, and how to me poly is a political movement and freedom from the oppression of men and women. I know in and of its self it doesnt do that, but it gives both men and women room and space to talk about the thinsg that define them, give them life and meaning and breathe, and the assumptions we make about one another.

That fury towards men the book talks about made me ponder, did I too hold this inside anger? This feeling that my uterus is not the property of other people, yet in my mind wanted the "american dream" of being a kept woman, somone who endlessly cooked and looked immaculate and did everything for everyone and was happy to have kids, at any point in my life, for any man who insisted?

Always with Rocky, its him wanting me to bend to his wishes, but lately I have sought to push back on this and make him question those assumptions.
I pondered thoughtfully, and will bring up later, why he assumed that I would have christmas dinner ready for him, when I had just finished an 8 hour shift and hadn't even had any time to myself, none the less to make food for him and me. Where in the day would I have had time to make it? I have rebelliously left the dishes undone for days, and made no ccomment on them when he came to my home. Done are the days I appologise for not being homely enough, house-wifey enough, etc etc. He may share in part my life, but I am his equal, but even with his most egallitarian views, they extend to other people, not the women in his sphere in his circle. Except me. I am a strong woman, and that can be an uphill battle asking the right questions getting him to see a point of view that has never applied to him.

we had a fascinating conversation where I did a guided visualisation, not conciously but just spoke about how if he had a womb, would he want to be propositioned all the time? If women fertilised and men carried, like the sea horse does. Would he do it? Would he risk his health, his body, his time, his career? He reluctantly admitted it would give him pause. Then I said, ad what if he had already done this, not once but twice, and every person he dated after that wanted to lay claim to his body, his right ohave kids, would he feel ever that he wanted more? And he goes, no, absolutely not.

But hten we backpedal when it comes to things like Star Wars

(((((((SPOILER ALERT))))))))

If you have not seen it yet, please stop reading :)

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He said all the right things about Rhea, and I said I thought it was amazing star wars had a female lead, how wonderful for a franchise, and I realise that it wasn't perfect. But it did this right. It showed women more than just concerned about men or relationships. It showed autonomy over her body. The right to be strong, and feminine. The right to be the lead, the right to be a jedi. That we are equal too. That was amazing. I know that in Avatar (the blue people) we had a strong female lead. But she was highly sexualised and secondary to the man in that film, in that even though she saved him, that movie did not pass the bechedel test, nor did it portray women as other than the dichotomy of "moral angel saint- think Mary or Mother Theresa" or as "Slut whore, she devil, ec" Where as we're presented with a whole automonmous woman in Star Wars. I was pleased about htat. A woman who took care of herself, who fought for her rights, who looked at a man who tried to save her and was like "huh?" That is needed in popular culture, that is needed in this world for women. :) Love this film.

So anyway, Rockys opinion fell in line with all those things, but felt false and flat, it felt he was saying the thing I wanted to hear, not the thing he felt. I could feel the tension in his body as we were cuddling and talking, that some part of him, some piece in himself rebelled at the notion, of a strong and independant woman. Does every man feel this? Is this something conditioned or in DNA? Are there men out there who don't on some level feel superior to women? That we are equal? I wonder. Rocky comes close, but he fights against himself. And if they do, does it swing the other direction, is it always a power play in the minds of men, like men do to each other? There is the conquerers and conquered. The men who bully other men, or the men who less than other men? Is that the order of things? Will it always remain so?

Does it mean if men start to see women as equal, that we turn into women like on other popular dramas like Orange is the new black? Those who fight are either suppressed with power, and silenced, or rise and hate men? There is a head woman of the lichfield prison on there, that really does treat the men like dirt. I dont think thats an acccurate way for a woman to gain power. I know that dramas, are just that, fiction, or dramatised. But there are grains of truth...some more so than others. And its the things that my daughters, and other women will grow up watching, and on some level taking on board themselves. Not everyone analyses a film, so people watch in trances, and that can affect the subconcious massively.

I am not saying good women and men don't exist, or that all men are inherantly sexist. I am just saying...how can we bridge that gap? To stop the power struggle ? to increase understanding? And even between the good and best couples, how to do we stop seeing women as the ultimate homemakers, the breeders, the second class citizen of the world? I can barely think of myself outside of those terms, the first time in my adult life I am living on my own,(besides kids) making my decisions on my own, and being completely responsible for me. I am 30 and just now realising there is more to me than being a mother. But I go against the grain. Even now, even in this wonderful accepting 21st centruy world, I get told I "sleep around too much", and I am generally avoided by those who hold the coveted (in my local community anyway) titles of wife, mother, home maker. I don't covet that role, but I know it makes me different, and outside, people at hte pub I work with ask me endless streams of questions because they cant pin me down. I stand outside of, not in one box, unapologetically me, and I love all the people I am around. I understand their boxes and I am happy for them, and they are for the most part happy with them. I feel settled and happy in this home, in this job, in this life, and with the one on off lover /friend I do have. I feel..good. :)

But I wonder how much I am choosing this home, because it is expected of me to do so. To be the mother who has a home for myk ids to ocme to, to put them first. That is understandable..but what about my goals? What about university? Even with the kids with their dad, my decisions, my life, has ultimately been controlled by others. My mother, my ex husband, my kids. And I resent them. On some level, I resent the lack of freedom to live my life like men do. Men whose kids are gone, dont stay at the family home for their kids, tehy go and do their life, where ever that may be. And even with a wife and kids at home, they done nessecarily stay there. They arent judged by having kids, nor tied to them the same way women are expected to be. And Rocky wants me to do that again? Hell no. hell fucking no.

Maybe this post is too real for some of you. Maybe it hits at places soft and vulnerable in us all. It does for me.

People tell you having kids, automatically makes you motherly, makes you want to be that person. That wasnt the case for me, I love my kids, I feel a pull from them, a blinding light of love that I cannot seperate. The thing more pure and true than anything else in my life. I remember looking at their little faces when they were born, and being entranced for hours. But I also felt resentful as time went on, how their needs subsumed my own. How I became eradicated as a person, sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally..socially... So slowly over time I didnt even realise it, until one day, 7 years later I woke up, and went who the fuck am I?
 
Continued...

And Even now, when I want to make choices freely, when I want to captioloise on my future and have my career, I make choices for them, because of them, thinking of them.

Will I get a lodger? (No because I cant have kids on weekends)
Will I move house? (No because its the kids family home, and they deserve to have those memories with me, that belong to their happy childhood)
Will I go to university?(No becausse my home means more to their happiness than uprooting, so I will continue with online eeven if it gives me less of a degree than I want.)
Will I coninue having multiple lovers? (Probably, but only if it can be hidden from them because the backlash of exhusband and family in court again would be too great, right now they have word of mouth, if I openly show my lovers they have proof. This may be proof enough. Who knows.. Even now I think of deleting this and censoring it. After all my picture is on here..)

And then the other side of me...wants to just move. To go to university. To live a small apartment, or room, to start from the ground up, to not give a fuck about all that. Does that make me a bad mother? Do men think this about fatherhood?

Sigh so many thoughts, so much I am working through with my therapist, and on my mind right now.

I also realised this subsisted in the work place to. A woman there, a little younger than me, asked to be bar staff. Instead the man owner hired a male to take her role rather than move her over. She had been asking for 6 weeks. Was that becausse she was female?

That same male bar staff, I asked his experience (First time bar keep), and his wage (7.50/hr minmum wage is 6.50/hr, london living wage is 10.00/hr) I ask all peoples wages so I can fairly ask for whats due of me, to make sure it is not discrimination. When asked about mine, line manager hegged and hemmed, still not sure what I will get. Still dont know. Will refute it if they give me minimum wage. Will explain, about kids, etc if I need reasons.

So much to think on. Life is not a battle, or war, but it certainly seems to make no sense at times and justice does not seem to exist, or if it does, it changes depends on who decides what justice means, what it is, and who deserves it. All subjective.
 
And then the other side of me...wants to just move. To go to university. To live a small apartment, or room, to start from the ground up, to not give a fuck about all that. Does that make me a bad mother? Do men think this about fatherhood?

Your words that I quote above just reminded me of a woman's conference I attended a few years ago. Gloria Steinem was speaking and she said that in all her many years of lecturing and giving speeches at universities and various venues, taking questions from audiences made up of both women and men, never once did a man ask her how he could balance his career with parenting. Only women ever asked that question. Shocking, even with so many men who identify as feminists or feminist-supportive who surely would have attended her talks, eh?
 
HMM! So much to think about. I wanted to log all the good things happening right now.

My therapy is going well, its kicking up a lot of old garbage inside myself and unclogging the emotional arteries. Its very healing, though I find myself binge watching documentaries and burying myself in books right now. I know this for what it is, inside inner turmoil, and trying to destress and process it all. Basically turning the brain off ocassionally.

Work has been so wonderful so far! I love it so much, so many funny stories already, and it makes me feel good to be part of a community.

I feel quite grounded here.

I just did an excell budget sheet for each month. Very useful, I will have to get it printed off and put it on my wall. I can just scrape by on my own, but if I get a renter in I will be doing better off than what I currently am. :) That would be nice!

This year I am saving up and getting my grove on, clearly I have no money to spend on dating, so I am going to put that off for a bit. And I need to start buying food and freezing my meals and heating them up. That will save me quite a bit of money too. Plan them in advance and then freeze them. Yup! I am doing this adulting thing...yay me.
 
I love how honest (painfully so, at times), your blog is. Everything in these last few posts has resonated with me.

And then the other side of me...wants to just move. To go to university. To live a small apartment, or room, to start from the ground up, to not give a fuck about all that. Does that make me a bad mother? Do men think this about fatherhood?

If this makes you a bad mother, then count me in the club! In my sphere, people actually still praise the dad for 'watching the kids' while mom has a night out. Like wtf, if dad has several nights out to mom's one, no one praises her for 'watching the kids' because mothers are 'suppose to' tend to the children but good fathers opt in and 'help with the tending' :rolleyes: It's no wonder then that we feel criticized and condemned for wanting our own lives, apart from our children. The real irony of it is that my worst criticism tends to come from me. But, I'm working on changing that. Both for me and for my daughter.

I remember looking at their little faces when they were born, and being entranced for hours. But I also felt resentful as time went on, how their needs subsumed my own. How I became eradicated as a person, sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally..socially... So slowly over time I didnt even realise it, until one day, 7 years later I woke up, and went who the fuck am I?

On some level, I resent the lack of freedom to live my life like men do. Men whose kids are gone, dont stay at the family home for their kids, tehy go and do their life, where ever that may be. And even with a wife and kids at home, they done nessecarily stay there. They arent judged by having kids, nor tied to them the same way women are expected to be. And Rocky wants me to do that again? Hell no. hell fucking no.

Maybe this post is too real for some of you. Maybe it hits at places soft and vulnerable in us all. It does for me.

Nope, not too real. I'm glad you're 'awake' now Starlight and actively creating the life that you want. I do not believe being a mother and having a life independent of mothering, is mutually exclusive. It's just a matter of finding the right balance that works for us.

Here's to a happy, healthy, new year! I hope it brings you all the light, love, and peace you desire, Starlight :)
 
Your words that I quote above just reminded me of a woman's conference I attended a few years ago. Gloria Steinem was speaking and she said that in all her many years of lecturing and giving speeches at universities and various venues, taking questions from audiences made up of both women and men, never once did a man ask her how he could balance his career with parenting. Only women ever asked that question. Shocking, even with so many men who identify as feminists or feminist-supportive who surely would have attended her talks, eh?

Ah wow thats really an insightful understanding into male minds. I wonder if any of the poly men could chime in here on how they view roles of parenting?

:confused::confused::rolleyes:
 
January is nearly upon us, and a new year.

I am restless tonight. I have accomplished al ot on my days off.
I got paid for my first week and a half of work.
I went shopping, started stripping the paint in my kids bedroom to turn it into a place for a renter.
I found a renter for january. Yay.

I succeeded in updating my google calendar. I cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom. I did two loads of laundry.
I did two units in block two, and researched my science project I am doing for this term.

I dont know if I am triggering, because of a miscarriage a few years ago, but I think I am pregnant. I havent said anyhting because I have learned to sit on this information on my own. I could totally be awefulising and wake up to my period tomorrow. That would be nice.
I only recently started having sex with out condoms with Rocky, but I have a coil in place. That has been 99.8% effective. Once I had a delayed period/miscarriage from the ccoil about 2 months missing my cycle. Other than that it has been completely effective. Unless it randomly stopped working now. It could be that I am totally aweful-ising, (how the hell is that spelled? lol), and I am just looking for things to poo-poo on my happiness right now.

Or the fact I read that book and particularly DONT want any sort of child right now. Yeah. that could be it too.

I dont know, I started throwing up today, and I havent been able to hold down food well for a week. Thats unusual for me. I am a total foody. A controlled foody, but a foody. I am ruling out the ear infection tomorrow with a doctors appointment. (Had an ear ache for the last 2 weeks too.)

Could also be stress from holidays and all the changes coming up. I finally have my finances out of the red and into the black. Amazing. Plus I am on my way to getting all my financial ducks in a row. YAY. I just feel super amazing right now with all my positive leaps in the right directions.

The therapy sessions are going well, I continue to write a few times a week to my therapist, which meanas less writing here because I am having less need to "vent" and therefore it becomes space for hypothesising and day to day events.

I am still not ready to date anyone, dont think I will be for awhile.

I am happy with this weird thing Rocky and I have. I thought I would want more, but he has given me what I wanted, which is security. The google calendar and keeping the commitments with me has meant a great deal. We have compromised and come to a peaceful middleground and since then theres not been a lot ot report on him because its pretty straight foreward. We talk, we watch tv, we go out to eat, we tease laugh, play, do responsibility things. We generally keep our other worlds seperate. Thats ok. Simpler for me for sure. And we have great sex, about once or twice a week. Sometimes we have sex more than once in aday we meet but not always. Theres not a lot of time for either of us, and we love to talk and go on adventures, so sex doesnt always come into play.

My libido has dropped quite a bit since setpember/october of this year. I guess my energy is just more on education work and exercise. Thats ok. One night stands arent as satisfying either. I dont really want a second relationship at this point, because the one I have is so low maintenance and pretty drama free that I dont really want to get into the whole, "something like rocky" or "something like Trip" ..the first would be too emotional for me to handle becausse I still only have room for rocky in my heart at the moment. The second being, that I'm greiving the second slot in my heart where trip was. I am not ready to let him go. I think he impacted me more than I realised. Also I am exhausted of relationships in general. When I look at the quesstions online here, I find it hard just to read along the threads nonetheless reply because I go...ugh, too much work to have more than one relationship right now!
 
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Another peaceful day, in the peaceful day streaks of Starlight1.

My house is clean, I am sipping coffee, getting ready for work, stopping by the doctors this morning. I have split shifts this week, so I am working 11-3, then 6-11. SIGH! BUT I got paid the other day and I will have a big fat pay check at the end of the month because I get charged overtime with split shifts, :D And if my last paycheck is anythign to go on I think I am starting above minimum wage. Woo hoo.

When I get back on break for three hours, I am 1) taking a nap, and 2) doing an hour of studying every day this week I work. 7 days in a row. I have never doen that before, and its very physically demanding.

A few years ago I couldnt imagine working this much. I am so very grateful to move my body.

My body is still stubbornly stuck at 11.0-11.2 ! Gr! It just doesnt want to to dip below 154. VERY annoying. But I am now able to see my whole clavical, a couple ribs, muscles peeping out of my legs, turning into a shape rather than a tube haha. Very exciting stuff. I love my pilates, and work. SO busy though.

As far as other things, hmm! I got a christmas bonus twice :D I went out and got insoles for my shoes, and a 32gb micro SD for my phone. So instead of updating shoes and phone, I updated the items around thm. I will need to replace the soles in my boots though. They were 100 pounds so I am not about to replace the whole boot! I love those boots. :)

I logged onto OKC, and for the first time in a while had some messages that made me smile. So I replied to those. Not spending a lot of time on there as I am so busy I just dont have the time. It sucks up a lot of me time, and education time. I would rather watch documentaries on netflix.

Rocky is now scheduling stuff with me in advance. I am seeing him on the 2nd. The google calendar was a good move for both of us! YAY. I am so happy we did that together. Seriously, made me super happy, still is! I like how stable things are between us now. He knows where I stand on poly, that I am taking a break from dating but just talking on OKC mostly and making friends. And he is still casually on OKC himself, though having a lot less luck. I am trying to help him but what can I do when hes also one of those rare men who like to be chased? :rolleyes:;)
 
Theres been a lot going on here..
I found out today that my best friends husband has died.
This was terribly shocking to me.

I was one of the last people to see him as I had stopped by their house a few days ago with christmas presents and had seen him alive and well. My brain is still in shock. And it has put life in perspective for me.
I am very much in a place of, introspection today.

On the heels of this, I met Rocky's mother. It was more coincidental than anything.

I was sick at his place last night after a work event, and slept over. Then I woke up to him telling me he was leaving and his mother and sister would be over later, but stay in because of the news and me being ill, and that he would let them know I was here.
I thouht this was not such a great idea, but I couldnt really do much about it because I was extremely exhausted, and I promptly passed out until 1pm.

When I woke up I gathered my courage, got dressed, made the bed, and walked out like this was normal and it was ok.

I had thankfully met the sister before, and his mother was so gracious. I let her know it was me who did the art for her, and that I had knew about her for quite sometime. She was kind enough not to say she hadnt ever heard about me. I hope it didnt hurt her, but thats between her and her son. She had kind and caring eyes and truthfully I think she wants him to just find love and be happy. She seemed to approve of me when I told her about the art. It was awkward but I left quickly. And I hope it will get easier in time getting to know his sister. She is a good person. :)

On the heels of the bad news, I rushed home to be there for my friend, and to rest becausse I am seriously way ill still. Can barely keep my eyes open.

I nthe car ride back on the taxi, the taxi man almost hit two cars and my adrenaline spiked through the roof. Good grief. I called up and made sure I never got him again. Scary.


Now I am in bed with a book the heat on and lots of water and 7up. I am very at peace in myself. Rocky and I both agreed life is short and time is precious and we want to spend as much time with each other as we can.
 
I am really happy. My life is finally settling into something normal.

I have work, I have days off, I see the girls regularly...
I see Rocky regularly...

My therapy is going well.
I have more income than I usually do. Even with child support.

Life is good.

I started doing DIY jobs for the first time.
I am such a newb that I didnt realise the cork sanding block needed paper around it to work. LOL. So many things I need to learn about DIY and taking care of a home, perhaps I will buy a book on it and get to work.

I googled how to paint a room and got all the preparatory items. I started cleaning the walls and filling holes, and taking out nails, etc. Next is primer, then painting. Its good to be productive.

However my cold is still hanging around and being annoying. Its laid me up in bed for three days now, constantly coughing, went through a whole bottle of lempsip, and now taking a hot steamy bath and trying to get the rest up. ugh. :( I hope I can work tomorrow effectively.

I may have to drop down to part time hours until I am strong enough to work full time. But I will assess how well I have done at the end of this month. I can do it!!!!!!
 
I am in a very stable place in myself, however. I feel very emotional today after an intense session with my therapist.


Theres a lot I havent written about recently. I have kept a lot to myself. I suspected certain people to be reading and it made me cautious about disclosing here.

But more than that, becuase I am doing intense work with my therapist and a lot of it is in writing, I am unsure how to go foreward here when I write. I want to include mysef more in the poly-world, but I am exhausted of relationships in general.

Having said that because I am not looking, its taken a huge amount of pressure off my mind regarding Rocky. I do not worry if he thinks about me, or if he wants me, or if I am worthy. I do not worry if i have him in my life or not anymore. I just am me, and if he wants to join in along with that, great, if not, I will find someone else.

So speaking of someone else. I have a new interest I am ready to share. We have been talking online for almost a month. I am thinking of meeting him. I am going to name him Mooseman. It suits him. :)

We talk daily on whatsapp, on phone occassionally, and now more often than not, skype.

Theres definitely flirtationship going on. I am looking at taking a trip out there to meet him. He might come here in February with a friend.

We're both working on education and work so funds and time are limited. But I really like him so far. Interesting person. It's early days, but we talk all the time and NRE is forming a small hopeful ray in my heart, that felt bruised and battered lately. Here's to 2016 being more positive and hopeful. :)
 
I am back to work finally after 4 days off. 2 of them I had off anyway, but the other two, luckily V helped me out. Shes my manager and I really like her. :)

Anyway, So I went to work and had a blast. I really like working thre.
I also had a good weekend with my girls, but really bummed about how hard it was on rosebud to leave, she burst into tears, and apparently she had made videos of the house while I was helping shooting star with something, and her videos were showing imaginary people around her home. Shes so proud of this home and has very happy memories here. Same with shootingstar. Between rosebud crying and the video, it put me in tears. Plus I had a friend around as well, who needed someone to talk to. Not only has my best friends husband died this month, but theres a semi famous actress in uk that died. Well I know someone who was close friends with her, and he los t that friend, and also another female friend of his all this week, the second one to cancer that he didnt know about. On top of this, with both women, the sons are also dead. It's pretty harrowing and devastating, and so I just gave him silent support and simply sat with him in his grief.

Tough stuff people, but sometims all you can do is be there for someones pain.

After worked (And time just flew!!) I figured self care was in order, and flipped between Jeff Dunham and the famous man with no arms or legs doing motivational speaches, and his life as a husband and father. Wonderful!

Then I was exceptionally lucky to catch Rocky on chat- it was his days off, and I knew he'd be with family and friends helping and doing stuff and being awesome. So we chatted for a bit, which was hot, because well we dont normally sexy text. I think we have all of three or four occassions in total. I think we're making tentative plans for Valentines day. Last year he broke up with me....:rolleyes: So I am not expecting much this year hahahahha.
There was talk of going to dinner. I am nothing if not loyal.

Despite some of the ways he has treated me in the past, which on here hasnt shown the whole picture, I have many happy memories with him. And I'd like to continue those if possible. We'll see.
 
I am sorry for your friends' losses!

But I am so glad you're in a positive stable place, healthy, finances in order, liking your job, etc.

The pregnancy scare came to naught?
 
I am sorry for your friends' losses!

But I am so glad you're in a positive stable place, healthy, finances in order, liking your job, etc.

The pregnancy scare came to naught?

Hey Mags,
Yes it did thankfully! I had my shark week last week, and it was over and done with rather quickly because I get horny during that time, and rocky helps...ahem clear me out XD

Yes I am doing rather well for myself, I just can't quite believe it. I pinch myself saily and go, omg, I am doing it. I am doing life healthily and happily and I can move and breathe and paint and dance and I am SO HAPPY!:D


I'm so sorry, Starlight

I'm glad that other things are going well in your life though
@ Pink Pig, thank you! It's ok, I went around their house tonight, it looks like a lot of support networks are available to them. And so I will be back tomorrow with food to help out. Its got to be hard on them all.

Hear, Hear!

@JaneQSmythe Thanks! I hope its a great year for you too :D:cool:
 
This picture is on my mind today, the attachment is at bottom I believe.

I love rocky to bits, and feel comfortable and happy when around him, but i no longer hope or expect anything from him. In the grief and patience born of heartache and many life experiences I feel the peace and contentment of life as it is. I do not need or expect anything from him. I will move foreward to a man or woman when I am ready, and when I want to, who wants to be in my life more completely. And by releasing expectations it is a simpler dynamic too. I wonder if I can carry on expectationless with someone else, or if perhaps I expect to little? Hm no, what works for Rocky and I wouldn't nessecarily work with others. Theres a level of love and caring there that I would want with other people that I am not sure how to maintain with so little contact. I also like whats happening with Mooseman. He's been on my mind as I have had slightly more freetime than normal this week. I was meant to be at Ceroc tonight, and to visit my friend Ivy, but I had to cancel on both because of my health.

I used to be someone who wanted and expected to be rescued. I guess because I felt so little protection and safety as a child, I projected that onto other people in relationships, rather than stepping up and taking care of me. I am doing that now. Calling it self care with my therapist. It's very helpful.
I thought about it breifly, cohabitating with Rocky, as a stepping stone to getting my own place, but realised I already have that right here.


My last renter didnt work out, so I am on the hunt for someone to house-share. Interviewing people this week and did my room carpet, steam cleaned it. I also had someone by to quote prices for a few odd jobs I couldn't do on my own. It was pretty reasonable at 20.00 per door for lock/door handles. I am excited for 2016. Even with all the sadness from my friends and this horrible illness, I am ok. I will be ok.

When I was visiting my friend yesterday, she was so graceful and kind in her grief, even in her intense sadness she did not forget about other people. Her family didn't either. Her daughter was incredibly kind and funny, making jokes and trying to put everyone at ease. It was beautiful, and I asked my therapist, how does one build a life like that, where she has so much around her and so many people whom she gives and gets and there is love palpable in the room? She said, Star, you need to have roots first, and when you have that you can grow all manner of things.

I feel very blessed in my life right now to keep on keeping on. I feel grateful for my work, and for my education and my friends and family.

I know I have been rather sappy like that in my journal recently, but I used to journal mainly when puzzling out a problem, or ranting about something negative. Now I want to fill my life, my mind, my journal with the happy memories too. The thoughts and hopes and dreams of my future while completely enjoying my present. :)
 

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Oh this is a nice way to wake up this morning:

"Good luck with your double shift! Hope it goes well and you have a great day :)
you busy bee x

Going to have to give you a massage next time I see you as you work harder than I do now!

Sleep well [Starlight1] X x

Lots of love

Rocky"

There was more in the message before this but of a personal nature aobut his life etc. So I didn't post that part. I have to say, I am feeling pretty awesome about myself today. Letting go of expectations = best choice I ever made.

I can just go with the flow and whereever it takes me is good. <3

Inbetween shifts, I am making that food to take over to friends. Long day ahead, but I have done my workout- hell yes for minute and a half planks! - And raring to go! I feel super excited about life!

I think I might start painting again... <3
 
So today has again been chockerblocked full of fun.

Yesterday in between shifts at work, I went home, made the meal to send to friend, and then was texting with Mooseman. He's super busy with work, and so am I, but we managed to squeeze in about an hour of texting. It was super hot texting, and lent it self easier and more naturally than I have texted in the past about such things haha. I even sent a suggestive picture.

At work I have such mixed feelings about things. I am learning the place and dynamic, but I seem to have aweful timing of my boss walking in on me on the ony mistakes I have made of the day. I have not been myself between the loss of a friends husband, and the illness, my brain has not picked back up to full speed until today. I also feel sluggish as I have spent the last 5 nights coughing day and night to hack up all the pleghm. BUT last night I finally got about 5 hours rest solidly, even though I woke up needing to spend two hours coughing it all up. And I felt much better after that, albiet sore.

I am struggling with stepping up to being a leader. I know the manager/owner is hard on me because he expects more of me. But I hate working with this type of male personality. I am wondering how to defuse him and show him I am capable of the work I am doing. I am just going to have to make no more mistakes. He can't expect someone to be perfect over night, and I have been there less than a month! I also have never had formal till training, and oftentimes its me who finds the issues with the till and lets people know about it. I figure its easy for him to take out his frustration on me, the new person, and the person who generally doesnt speak out, speak up, when someone shouts at me. My automatic response is sort of freeze, or run away. Icant help that response its a fight or flight response that I can do nothing about. Thats a PTSD thing I have no desire to explain to my boss as it will make me only seem weaker.

So, instead, I am just going to work harder. At least V and my other managers have my back. They have been unfailingly kind, and for that I am grateful. I also would feel much better if I saw Rocky more than once a month, but hes off to another Arnie Convention, and I probably won't see him until two weeks from now in person. SIGH, bring out the LELO haha.

I have been flirting a little with one of the kitchen boys, but he barely speaks any english, but be playfully poke each other and one of the few words he knows in english is sorry, i kept appologising to him and he kept saying, no sorries. So now its a runnig joke. Work liasons are a bad idea though, so I keep it more friendly than anyhting. Plus I know hes back to his country in about 6 months.

I got told I look like I am 12 from someone at work last night. Very funny. Ah well, that is life and I would rather look youthful than not. I am just handsome enough, and baby face enough not to be a classic beauty and therefor not stand a chance with the other alpha females. Plus wth my PTSD and such, I tend to have overiding tendancies to be beta. It's ok with me because I am happy being second in command. I will be alpha in my art and parenting, and in my education and future career...at this job, with these women, I am happy just to go with the flow and put my head down and work.

I will watch and observe those who are strong women and emulate them. Like my friend who lost her husband. She has so much courage and bravery and grace and kindness. She is a good strong leader. And same with V. I dont need to be bitchy or bossy or gossipy. I just need to be me.

Hmm as far as other htings go, it looks like its up in the air again about having a renter. I saw my landlord at my work last night and served him food ;) Hadnt seen him in awhile, and although we had spoke breifly on the phone, we decided to speak breifly in person, and then he said he would sleep on it work it out and let me know.

I hope it works out to be a yes because otherwise I have to move and whta a pain in the butt that will be!
 
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