H'ok So.....

...

So we talked things out some more. I told him that if he and Elle had any sort of discussion about all of this (mainly if she brought up noticing me being upset) I wanted him to make sure she knew that my issue wasn't with her, but also that I didn't want him to say how upset I was since that would probably only make her feel like crap when I didn't blame her. We reiterated with each other that we both at least enjoyed all of the rest of our Saturday and that the group stuff with Elle was fun and I enjoyed us all spending time together. That I even enjoyed the group snuggles on the couch, etc. We talked about the rest of the week and scheduling and all that. I reminded him that I have drinks with OKC guy (the Doctor, though not sure if I previously mentioned that he was and I don't think I've named him yet) on Wed and that I have a date night with Mr. Hyde on Thurs. Of course, Sudo struggles with his own insecurities and worries when it comes to me dating. So he said that he's going to try and make plans with either Peach or Elle on Thurs so that he's distracted and won't think/worry so much while I'm with Mr. Hyde. Weird to have a conversation like that when he literally just fucked his g/f within earshot of me the night before, but whatever, he knows that his feelings are largely just those irrational fears that he needs to work through himself. Which I told him that I appreciated the way he manages his feelings, but that I do want to know when he's upset and will do my best to comfort him when I'm able, etc.

So yeah, overall we talked everything through and got back to a good place, and had lots of nice words of comfort and affirmation and love and all that. But even today I'm still just struggling to get the sucky emotions to go away. I'm feeling better, but not back to normal.

I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight, but I've already cancelled since I just need more sleep and am still a bit emotionally drained. I need a night to myself to just veg and not feel like I have to be "on."

On the upside, I think in the 1.5 years we've been together this is really the first time he's made me *really* upset from something he's done. No relationship is perfect, and we worked through it without yelling or fighting. So I guess that's a plus?
 
Ugh, what is up with this week? Tuesday morning I woke up with a knarly headache and a sore throat. I thought maybe the sore throat was just from the air being dry so I emailed work and said I'd either be in late once the headache resolved or I might be out all day. Well after another hour or 2 of sleep I felt even worse and finally noticed that my face felt hot.... Yeah, I had a fever of 102! This was upsetting since I'm supposed to have my last round of skin removal surgery on Fri. So I went to urgent care and it turns out I have strep throat!

I mean, as much as strep sucks, every time I'm sick I always wish it's something like strep because at least you can get over it quickly with an antibiotic rather than my usual weeks long suffering from a cold.

So I started some meds and should be good to go for surgery on Friday. Whew. My fever topped out at 104 yesterday, which was horrible, but today I seem to be fever free and only still have the sore throat. I'm hoping that will be gone by tomorrow given the ongoing meds.

I took off work again today other than answering a few emails since I'm still exhausted and the doc said it would take at least 24 hours to not be contagious.

More good news, Mr. Hyde is OK with keeping our date! Even though I said I shouldn't be contagious by then I worried that he'd still want to be extra cautious given that he has little kids. But he said as long as I adhered to the med schedule he was good with it.... But was hoping my throat would be feeling better by then 😉

Sudo has been awesome these past 2 days. He still came over last night instead of avoiding me like a plague victim. Of course he seems to have an amazing immune system and never catches anything. So he just cuddled me and tolerated me cranking the heat. He even picked up ice cream for me when he made a grocery store run!! I do love that man to pieces. Lucky for me, I get to see him an extra night tonight since our metro system is shut down today and Peach is driving to Boris and Natasha's place straight from work, so he has no way to get home. So I'm not complaining! I did cancel my drinks date with the doctor because I'm just too low energy (didn't know Sudo would be staying here again when I cancelled) and didn't want to risk the slight chance that I'd still be contagious.

Seems like things can probably only get better from here, well, minus whatever pain I might be in Fri night after surgery! But basically, next week should pretty much feel like the most amazing week ever. Lol!
 
Did I seriously jynx myself by saying things could only get better?! My surgery has been postponed to Monday. And while some might say that's lucky because there happened to be a last minute opening that they could get me into, it still means I don't have the weekend to recover. So instead of me having surgery on my normal Friday off then having the weekend to recover I'll probably miss 2 days of work, maybe 3 and then be teleworking some. Le sigh. This has also just not been a great time to be missing a bunch of work in general as things are starting to pick up and get crazy again.

Ah well, guess it can't be helped!

The big thing keeping my spirits up today is that I'm seeing Mr. Hyde later tonight! So glad that at this point my only issue is still a store throat. At least I'm not feeling so entirely drained of energy. It helps that I'm calling into a work meeting this afternoon and did minimal email type work occasionally the rest of today so that I wouldn't be burned out by tonight.

Hmmm, I guess the other benefit of the surgery delay is that I get to have another weekend with Sudo and he won't have to play care-taker. I think I'll be at his place tomorrow night, probably with Peach as well, so we can all hang out! But Saturday day/night he's coming back to my place since Peach wanted some alone time to just crank music in the house and clean and not be disturbed. And I spend a lot of our time together at Sudo's so I'm always happy for the chance to get him back to my place. So I'm seeing LOTS of sexy times in my future this weekend. He's been especially sassy these past few days (probably taking advantage of my weakend state, that little sneak! haha) so I think he's due for some funishment (true punishment hardly seems fair since we haven't exactly been in D/s mode lately).
 
Surgery is done! I'm home and resting, doing a bit of work here and there, and will be back in the office tomorrow. This one was pie compared to the last round. My chest is wrapped in ace bandages to cover the incision on my back, and my poor girls are just squished in there!

I stayed with Sudo and Peach last night since Sudo picked me up from the hospital. So we all just hung out and watched a movie and chatted. We talked schedules a bit and hashed out some summer plans and it just felt productive!

I think our schedule is going to be a little more flexible and less rigid now, but will also still feel largely unchanged. Monday will still probably be a day with Sudo and Peach at home. Tues is definitely still a firm day of Sudo coming to my place, and Wed will probably continue to be a day of Sudo and Peach at home and me at my place. Thurs used to be a day where Sudo was at my place, then I started going to his place. Now that's going to be more in flux since every other Thurs I see Mr. Hyde. The alternate thurs might either be a day to myself or maybe I'll go see Sudo, or if I start seeing the Doctor, maybe we'll make plans, but it will be flexible. Then Fri-Sun is always sort of a mixture of seeing Sudo, family visits, plans with friends, etc. Peach used to always be with Boris and Natasha. Now she sometimes is out of town at Joe's, or she might occasionally be making plans with Boris and Natasha, but she's also been spending more weekends at home. So the three of us might hang out more as a group, or it might give Sudo more opportunities to come to my place so that I'm not going to him most of the time. etc.

Over the last few days Sudo and I have also had a few discussions about the dating stuff. Oddly enough, it's all been about my play dates with Mr. Hyde and Sudo's insecurities with that. Sounds crazy after that massive post I had about him and Elle, right?! But you feel what you feel, and Sudo seems to really be struggling this time around with my new thing. Apparently he had insecurities that he worked through back when I was dating Pi, but he just managed his shit and got on with it. Seems like this time it's been much harder for him. I think he's really struggling with the fact that my thing with Mr. Hyde is D/s focused and it's leaving him feeling like he's unable to give me something I want/need. In some respects I can see how that probably doesn't feel good, but on the other hand..... poly! He doesn't HAVE to give me everything I want/need, and I don't expect him to! I dunno. It's not helpful that he sucks at talking about his feelings. He's just not able to put the millions of thoughts that won't stop running through his head into actual words and just tell me what's bothering him. Other than he seems to feel like he's missing something (I wasn't really able to get a good explanation of what that means!). Even with all of that, I think we did make some progress. We kind of went back over a long kink list that we'd found online at one point and used as a starting point to explore what each of us was interested in, what we liked, didn't like, were curious about, etc. So I went back over it so he could get a sense of where I stood now and if anything had changed. But also talked about items in terms of D/s since some things I don't like for their own sake, but only under certain circumstances. i.e. impact play. I don't like pain for the sake of pain, but some impact play incorporated into the power exchange of D/s can be enjoyable.

I also tried to explain a bit more that it's not like I have some laundry list of things I want that he's not providing. The new things that I've tried and done with Mr. Hyde that he's found out about aren't because I went around asking for something, cause I didn't plan the scene! Mr. Hyde does that and I'm just along for the ride (within my limits). I know some would say that I just shouldn't even talk about what goes on in the bedroom with Mr. Hyde, and generally I don't, unless asked. But there's going to be instances where he sees a play collar in my apartment, or this last time Mr. Hyde accidentally left one of his floggers behind, etc. I'm not going to sanitize my entire apartment for every trace of one partner for the other, not that Sudo would ever expect me to. But I also think that when he DOES see stuff like that, if anything he sees equates to me doing something new that he and I have never done, his brain immediately thinks "why hasn't she asked to do that with me? does she not want to do that with me?" and other silly-ness. Which, in some of those cases, NO, I don't want to do those things with him! Me being the sub means I do different things than when I'm the Domme, or when we're doing vanilla stuff! And what I like as a Domme is going to be different than what Mr. Hyde likes as a Dom, so we're not even doing the same D/s stuff! I think that Sudo and I being able to have a rational, logical conversation about that just helped put things into perspective so that he could get out of his thought spiral that was probably going nowhere and completely irrational.

Either way, I think we've made progress. And regardless, I'm just going to do what I can to be supportive and reinforce to him that I love him and am happy with our relationship how it is, and then otherwise just let him own his own shit and work through it. Luckily, he gets that too. Just another reason I love him to death, since he's not letting his stuff turn into a bunch of negative rules, fights, backlashes, etc. <3

These next few weeks are busy. If I can muster the energy, we're going to a kink meet-up/happy hour tonight since they're having a discussion group about topping. I might try to reschedule those drinks with the Doctor this week if we can make that work, and if not, I have a few friends I'd love to catch up with that I haven't really seen in a while. This weekend I have dinner with some girlfriends from high school back in my hometown, then easter the next day, so I'm just going to stay Sat night at my mom's.

The next week is another kink educational event, sort of an impact play 101 that I'm hoping will teach me a few things but also help build my confidence in that arena. I'll hopefully be seeing Mr. Hyde again, and then dog-sitting for the weekend since Sudo and Peach have a week long business trip. I'm sure there's more, but there will be plenty of time to talk about all of that in future posts!
 
This surgery is kicking my butt energy-wise. Healing, I think is going great! I have a follow-up with my surgeon this Thurs. But I'm just so tired! I'm basically off all pain meds, though I might take a Tylenol or something if I think I really need it. But I just feel like I need a nap in the middle of the day, and even when I get plenty of sleep I want more. Clearly my body is telling me it wants rest to heal, but who's got time for that!? haha.

The weekend was nice. Sudo and I managed to go to the local monthly Poly Happy Hour and meet new people and just socialize. I was pooped by the time we left, but still had fun. Then Sat we spent the morning together until I left in the early afternoon to go back north toward hometown. I met up with some close girlfriends from home for what is supposed to be our monthly Girls' Night (not always quite monthly). It was great to see them and catch up, plus the one friend has a 4 month old so we all got to see the baby. I mean, I'm kinda meh about babies, but I'm happy to be happy for her! That friend also had 2 bags of clothes that she was donating because her body just doesn't have the same shape now after having a kid (even though weigh wise she's lost the baby weight!). Luckily for me and my sis-in-law, we went through the bags and between the 2 of us, we snatched up all the clothes! I got a few super cute dresses and a work top or 2. Sis-in-law got all the work pants and skirts, and a cute coat that I almost took, but just fit sis-in-law a tad better. Score!!

I crashed at my mom's and the next morning was easter sunday. So the family all went to church together (Christmas and Easter being the only times I go to church because I'm home with family and it's basically expected, so I can deal with it for mom). After, Sudo joined us as well as my grandpa and my great Aunt from CA who is in town for a week visiting. My brother and his wife were there, and her parents also, so we had a whole group for lunch and just chatting and stuff. I love seeing my great aunt! She's the coolest 80 year old I know. Is really well traveled and was the dean of English at the college she still occasionally teaches at out in CA. Now her passion is Shakespeare and she teaches classes on that every so often. But she also lives in Silicon Valley (or right in that area, I don't know exactly what all cities that covers), so it's always interesting hearing her talk about what's going on out that way and the craziness of real-estate and the CA droughts, and whatever other topics come up.

Last night was just a lazy evening. Sudo and I cuddled on the couch and watched TV. We finally had some sexy times where I was able to get off. The last few times, I dunno if it was the pain killers I was on or what, but it just wasn't happening, no matter how hard I tried! Super frustrating, though the sex was still fun. Heck, this time I actually almost got off twice! I'm unfortunately one of those women that just doesn't do multiple orgasms. On the very rare occasion that I'm able to get off more than once in a single sex session, it's usually because the session lasted long enough that I had time to sort of re-charge and build up to another. But on the plus side, at least getting off at all isn't a challenge for me. I'd be really sad if I was the type that just had to deal with the fact that I often just don't get off during sex. How sad I'd be! So I'll take my 1, and very rarely 2 and be happy!

Peach has been out of town at Joe's all weekend and doesn't come back till Tues (which is Sudo's night at my place anyway), so I'm taking the opportunity to sneak in an extra night with Sudo and staying at his place tonight. I figure I might as well stock up while I can since he and Peach leave this Friday for a week long business trip!

Ok, back to work, I have GOT to stop procrastinating and get this report done....
 
Nothing too crazy to report. I'm staying at Sudo's place this weekend dog-sitting while he and Peach are out of town. This past Tues was our last overnight together until he returns in about a week. Sadly we both had stuff going on so it wasn't an awesome night. Not bad, but he was bummed when I first got home because he and Peach had argued. So he wasn't really feeling up to going out to the kink event that night (a flogging 101 class) that I'd been looking forward to. I was a little bummed, but obviously he needed support so as was happy to just be eith him and try to cheer him up. So if course right before we go out to dinner I take benadryl to try and help with the insane itchiness I've been having all around my surgery incision, and the benadryl makes me super drowsy. It was only the second time I've ever taken it, so I didn't realize it would be that bad. I was ready to pass out by the time we were done dinner, so when we got home we just cuddled on the couch and I sorta napped.

Of course I felt guilty about this since I JUST had this whole thing where I was upset with him and he was all sleeping when I needed comfort from him, ah! I just felt hypocritical! But fortunately after an hour or 2 that sorta wore off and we climbed into bed and stoll had some good sexy times that he and am both really enjoyed.

I did luckily still get to see him during the day yesterday from the morning when I drove up to his place until I had to drop him at the metro to get to his place. It was only a handful of hours, but we cuddled and had more sexy times and just got to hold each other a bit longer before he'd be out of town.

I'm skipping all over my time-line, but the night before, on Thurs night I had my regularly scheduled every other Thurs D/s playtime with Mr. Hyde! As always, it was great! We're slowly working on building up what our protocols will ultimately look like, and even though I had some extra limitations due to the recent surgery he worked around that in a way that still allowed the session to be intense for us both! I can just tell that this is going good places and it's sooo exciting!

And interestingly enough I think it's even helping me with the D/s stuff I do eith Sudo since I can actually see a D/s dynamic in action. Granted, we wouldn't do many things the same way that Mr. Hyde and I do just because of different styles and interests, but it still gives me a good learning perspective!

So now today a long time friend since high school (and one time ex, but that was like a decade ago) is coming today to hang out and crash with me at Sudo's. We'll probably just watch TV, make some food, chat, catch up. Sort of our typical hang outs when we get together. I also finally managed to set up a drinks get together with the Doctor for this Tues that hopefully neither of us will have to cancel for once! It will be nice to finally meet in person. I like that given both of our busy schedules we both seem to be fairly comfortable with the fact that shit happens and it might not always be easy to make plans. I don't think either of us is really looking for someone who is looking to take up a ton of time. So yay for non-escalator relationships?

Right now I have one corgi cuddled on the other end of the couch I'm on and the other is snoring on the floor near me. I love me some dogs if only they weren't such a time commitment with needing walks and such! This is exactly when I've had cats and snakes when living on my own! At least they're adorable.
 
So last night I finally met and had my first date with the Doctor. Wow is he tall! I mean, ok, I knew he was tall because his profile said he was 6'5" but sometimes people exaggerate. Well he really IS that tall!

We had a nice date! We met up at a food/bar spot that neither of us had been to and had 2 beers over the course of a few hours and just chatted away about stupid topics such as seaworld stopping their orca breeding and zoos, and African safaris (one of my goal vacations) and how his favorite animal is the cheetah. lol. It was just one of those conversations where you start with something basic and after a while the conversation has led from one thing to the next and you're saying "how did we even get onto this topic?!" But we also talked very briefly about some political economic world crap. We talked about movies and TV shows and ended up agreeing that we should find a time to go see the superman vs batman movie together soon! When we left the place around 10 we tried to find a late night shop to get ice cream or some sort of dessert, but everything but the bars in that neighborhood was starting to shut down. Lame! Other parts of town that cater more to night life have later hours. So we just walked down the street a bit talking and eventually just stopped to talk and then have a good night kiss. Which turned into several minutes of goodnight kissing :) Seriously, he's so tall that I have to like really tilt my head up to kiss him and he has to, not really bend down, but tip his head down. At one point I just stood up on my toes. It was interesting. I think if he were any taller it might actually be annoying, but he was right at that limit where it was just sexy to be with a taller guy!

So we've been texting a bit since then and all is good in the world.

Except of course my period has now started today. ugh. Very unhappy about that since Sudo returns tomorrow evening and I had plans for my lady parts and his face :mad: We'll just have to do other things. Praise this IUD that at least makes everything super light and generally doesn't interfere with most sex stuff!

It doesn't help that I'm going to be tortured all day today. Mr. Hyde and I have been having fun these past few days with orgasm control/denial during times when Sudo and I are away from each other (otherwise it would interfere with my intimacy with others, which I'd rather ever do to other partners unless they were ok with it). I'm currently being punished for not following some directions, which is exponentially worse since my libido is always super ramped up before and during my period. Le sigh!
 
*Squeeee* Sudo comes home tonight!! I can't wait to see him and just hold him for the longest time and kiss him!

OK, that's all I wanted to say.
 
I had a good weekend, really a great weekend!

Coming home Friday from work to Sudo already in my apartment and just immediately getting a hug and feeling him in my arms again.... bliss! Also, after not seeing each other for a little over a week, for the first time in a long time he was actually, not aggressive, but I guess not passive in the sense that he initiated sex and he was giving hard/firm kisses instead of softer gentler ones and basically climbing on top of me. It was great! I guess rather than aggression I'd say the best way to describe it was that it actually felt like he just needed me in that "I want sex with you right now and don't want to wait" sense. I mean, most of the time we have all night, and we've just had sex recently, so what's the rush, right? There's no "OMG, I haven't had you in X amount of time" where X is more than about 2 days. If it didn't mean that I'd be suffering as well, it's enough to make me want to consider denying him sex on occasion to drive him crazy until he's feeling like he wants to rip my clothes off! Hmm, food for thought, I guess!

But outside of that, Friday night was just a fun night. We drank and went out for dinner, and I got a little tipsy and we were just laughing and joking all night.

Saturday we headed back up to his place and spent part of the day doing house stuff with Peach. They've been ever so slowly getting around to a list of various home projects, so we worked on some painting and just general cleaning since they'd been gone a week.

Sudo and I went out to an early dinner and to run errands so that Peach could have some alone time with Boris, since he came over for dinner with her before heading off down to my city to meet friends for an outing, and then as soon as we got home, Sudo and I rushed to get dressed up and go out to the local BDSM play space. I finally wore one of my new corsets out and looked damn good! The theme night at the play space was edge play, which isn't my thing, but I was curious to observe some of the scenes. As I suspected, it was interesting and gross all at the same time. Ugh, there was one woman doing needle work on another woman, basically putting in stitches that pulled skin in various directions, and made some decorative shape with some needles. Yikes! Just thinking about it almost makes me cringe! But there were several people there doing knife play (no cutting, more just the fear factor and the sensation of having something metal/cool/sharp against the skin). Of course, there was lots of the usual other play going on around the space with rope and paddles and everything else. I had already talked to someone Sudo and I had met there previously who does fire play and so he and I did a scene and I tried that for the first time. I'm like a cold-blooded reptile, so I love all things that are warm, and having the fire want quickly brushed over my skin felt sooooo wonderful! It was like a massage with heat instead of pressure. Amazing. Sudo watched and we talked to the guy for a while before and after and he even offered lessons if it was something that either of us was interested in. He's apparently a fire fighter, so he seems to be pretty comfortable and careful with a flame. If it's something I decide I want to do more than once in a blue moon, we might consider it.

Later in the night we made use of the private rooms there and had some fun sexy play, but not before we did some mild public play while waiting for the room to be available, which resulted in another couple also playing nearby eventually inviting us to join them. LOL. The guy apparently said that his girl liked me, which since we had never met really just means found me attractive, but er, I guess confidence booster? We politely declined since I don't think Sudo is the group-play-that-also-involves-other-dudes kind of guy, and that would also probably violate the polycule rules about people being tested first and all that. I didn't mind declining since it wasn't something I was really expecting that night, but it definitely raises the question in my mind of whether or not something like that will ever be a possibility. We go on vacations to an adult only resort where it's pretty common for people to swing, or just do group play, or whatever since the resort is clothing optional and I'd ideally like to know that if we were ever in a situation where once in a blue moon, we had a group play situation that everyone was really feeling and wanted, that we could pursue it. Obviously we'd be as safe as was practicable, and if we needed to try and update our testing a little while after, so be it. But to some extent, there are just sexual experiences that I'd like to be open to at least TRYING in my life that our current rules make very difficult to happen unless it was someone we were already very close with. So maybe this is just something to think about and consider eventually discussing with the group to see if we can all work something out that makes everyone happy. Obviously there's nothing stopping me or us "Sudo and I" from doing this anyway, but it's more that right now we choose not to because the consequences make it not worth it. Someone would probably be upset, and I would imagine there would be impacts in terms of requiring condoms and testing within the polycule. So I think we need a discussion that really goes over "if we wanted to ever do something like this, let's walk through what people are comfortable with and what the for sure reaction would be in terms of those steps so we can decide if that's an outcome that we're willing to accept every so often, or not at all."

Anyway, after Sat night, we slept in since we were out until like 2 am. Peach had an early morning gym session anyway. But then later in the afternoon it was back to painting, taping, laundry, etc. Sudo eventually was off to see Elle for the evening, and I talked to Peach for a while longer before heading home to spend the last bits of Sunday night reading on the couch cuddled up with my kitties.

This week should be a busy but fun week. I have a D/s protocol educational discussion happy hour thing that Sudo and I are attending, a movie date with The Doctor, my regular play date with Mr. Hyde, and then some various outings with Sudo, Peach, and Joe since Joe is up for a long weekend to visit peach and it's also his birthday weekend. In fact, tonight is actually my only free night at home where it's just me and I have nothing going on. I'll have to use to do a bit of cleaning and then just veg while I can!
 
Wow, have I really not posted in over a week?! So much to talk about!

Last week on Tues I had a kink happy hour that had a class incorporated as well. The topic was D/s protocols/rewards/punishment. It was an interesting discussion and even came with a nifty little handout, but more interesting was the fact that Mr. Hyde's wife, Mrs. Hyde was there! I had no idea she'd be there and she just came up and introduced herself after the discussion. She pretty quickly went back downstairs (a 2 level bar where the downstairs is for socializing and the upstairs is for the class and open play) to join a friend that she was with. Anyway, I was super happy to finally meet her, but she seemed nervous about it and didn't want to linger. Mr. Hyde told me later that it was no small feat for her to bring herself to meet me. I think she had a lot of hesitation since that was just a big step for her as this is a very new/different dynamic for them. Honestly I don't really get it since they've played with others as a couple before. So it's not like she's never been around someone that her husband has slept with before! I guess that fact that I'm only his partner and not hers, and maybe more importantly that I'm also his sub when they normally only did D/s stuff between the 2 of them just make it a much bigger deal? Whatever! Either way, I told her how great it was to finally meet her and just tried to be super pleasant. Of course, I'd had a few glasses of wine and was a bit tipsy, so in my head I was also thinking "don't act like an idiot or act super drunk!" Who knows if I was successful at that. I purposefully didn't ask Mr. Hyde if his wife said anything about the meeting since that's her business and between them. I only said that I hoped meeting me didn't make things any harder for her and that she was ok, to which he replied that it was all good.

On the other hand, can I just say that I feel like there's this huge relief with finally meeting her? I mean, I honestly trust that Mr. Hyde was truthful with me and that they were both open and everything was above board.... but to some degree, until I've actually met the meta.... there's always some chance that it might not be true. Given that we see each other only once every other week for a few hours, later at night, and he doesn't use social media, etc. It seems like it just wouldn't be all that difficult to conceal a relationship under those parameters. Well, other than the missing toy bag when he goes out to meet me, etc. LOL. I dunno, it just makes me feel better to know that if I've met her, she's obviously well aware of my existence and there isn't even a slight chance that it's cheating. Sure, that doesn't mean he couldn't be lying about other things, but I'm not going to go around assuming the worst of everyone. I didn't even assume the worst here, since I thought he was being honest. I just really like KNOWING rather than believing.

So yeah, then the next night I had date #2 with the Doctor. We saw Superman vs. Batman and it wasn't that horrible. Sure, it wasn't the world's best plot, and there were some over the top parts, etc. But was I entertained? Sure! I went in with low expectations too, so maybe that helped?! Anyway, we watched the movie, he has his hand on my leg most of the time, and then afterwards we walked for a bit to the metro (he just walked with his bike). We kissed a bit at the metro before going our separate ways and that was that! He's fun to spend time with, and I'd definitely see him again. I'll admit that I'm getting a bit into a conundrum of wondering if I really have the time and energy to put into anything with him. Maybe if it stays very infrequent the way things are with Mr. Hyde. Plus, when the summer starts, if Mr. Hyde is able to squeeze in an extra visit here and there or at least some longer hours.... I really want to be able to take advantage of that. And as much as people don't really like hierarchy and prioritizing, that's what I have right now. Sudo is primary and my #1 priority. Mr. Hyde is someone who I definitely want to see and I won't just give him the scraps after Sudo (I wouldn't cancel a date with Mr. Hyde just to see Sudo unless there was some serious emergency), but he's still more of a play partner and so is sort of the second priority. If that relationship shape changes, I'm open to it, but not rushing it. So really, those 2 are also more of a priority than dating someone new. So sadly, the Doctor might actually only be able to get the scraps, which seems kind of unfair. BUT, I feel like if I'm up front with him about what I can offer, if he's cool with that, then fine. He's so busy that I'm not sure he can really offer me any better, so in that sense, maybe it actually would work. Either way, I'll probably have to have the testing talk with him soon if he wants to get together again. I'd rather he know up front what has to happen before there can be sex instead of us being in private and things start to move in that direction and I have to be like "ok wait, here's the thing, you have to get tested first, enjoy your blue balls."

Right, so then Thurs (a week ago) was D/s night with Mr. Hyde and it was just, mmmmm. I mean, the things that man does to me! I actually had a few sore spots on my body that I was really surprised weren't bruises since I could feel them for several days. I really hope that soon our schedule can change. Even if we stick to every other week, I'd even take an extra hour or 2 tacked onto our visiting time. It just seems like we don't have enough time to get in all the play and cuddling and just talking and having convo that we want, plus then be able to actually step outside and go get a drink or something. I mean, we've managed to make it work before, but that means something is shorter. It's a shorter play session if we want a break to walk down the street to a bar. Or often, we get a little cuddle time when play is over, but it's not that much. Fortunately it's not like he's just fucking me and then walking out the door. He makes sure that I'm not still in need of some sort of aftercare (I don't really do subspace, or at least haven't yet, so in my mind aftercare is just really letting the post-orgasm adrenaline rush ease up and have some cuddles). But I'm just hungry and greedy for him when I get to see him, so a few hours never feels like enough! Since our sessions are pretty intense though (and it's only the beginning according to him!) I can imagine that I'll never really feel like I need to see him super frequently. I mean, not unless it wasn't like that every time.

I'm probably almost out of space, so to be continued....
 
So on Friday last week, Sudo came to my place. Awesome since usually I'm going to him on the weekends. I love it when he can come to me a little extra and I can spend more time in my own apartment. He even got out of work early and came over around 3. It worked out well since I spent the morning doing some work stuff (it was my day off, technically, but shit needed to get done. boo for work responsibilities!). I was glad that he could come early because I know he was still feeling stressed with me having been on both those dates in the past 2 days, and on top of that his date with Elle on Thurs night was cancelled because she wasn't feeling well.

OMG, so I totally skipped over dinner on Thurs night before Mr. Hyde came over. This is what happens when I wait too long to update and I can't even remember what I've done!

Right after work, I went to dinner with Sudo, Peach, and Joe (Joe's birthday was the next day on Fri). We went to a place called The Pig that none of us had ever been to and the food was sooooo good. We ordered this big platter to share that had lettuce wraps, lamb sausage, pulled pork, pork belly, dirty rice, grilled carrots and asparagus on it and wow, foodgasm. I did make a point to not stuff myself though so that I wouldn't be gross later for play with Mr. Hyde. But after dinner the other 3 went home and I peaced out and you know what happened next! ;) Oh and I managed to get a super cute picture of Sudo and I after dinner outside the restaurant. I really wanted to get one of all 4 of us, but they were tired (Joe had a long day of traveling to get up this way after coming off of a work shift, etc.). I'm terrible at getting couples pics so I try to remember to get one any time we look particularly cute (I was actually dressed up and even in jewelry for once).

Where was I? Back to Friday.... So Sudo came over and we cuddled and talked and I think that made him feel better. We went back over some kink stuff and talked about likes and dislikes, even in terms of what I like outside of our relationship. It was interesting since he learned about some interests I have that he wasn't aware of, and I learned some about him that I wasn't aware of. We ended up having a nice play session of our own where I got a bit more into my Domme role, which he was very happy with. I think I'm slowly getting a bit better at that, but it's also somewhat energy draining for me. I don't think it's something I can so easily just do on any old night with no mental preparation. I have lots of fun, but sometimes I just don't want to mess with toys! In those times I need to work more on the verbal and mental domination part of things. And heck, sometimes I just want some fun vanilla sex! Luckily we do that too. In fact, we did Sat morning and it was lovely. Sudo seems to more often initiate sex when it's morning sex. Or maybe I only notice that more because I generally *don't* initiate morning sex (I am NOT a morning person).

After sexy times and showers it was off to Sudo's so that we could have lunch with Peach and Joe. We went to a sushi place near them that was in a little strip shopping center full of Asian stores, like an Asian grocery and all. The restaurant wasn't anything fancy to look at, but damned if it wasn't the best sushi I've ever had! Then we all just hung out and watched TV and digested the yummy food. Later that night we went out in my college city (where Boris and Natasha live) so that we could meet up with a couple that are friends with all of us. So we had some beers, socialized, walked around down town, and then got a late dinner. It was a really good time and a great way to celebrate birthdays!

Hmmm.... it's starting to feel like the only thing I talk about on this blog is sex and food. Actually, is that such a bad thing?!

After that point there hasn't been much special to report.

Wait, actually, at work I had to pass up on a really good career opportunity. My boss' boss nominated me for a leadership training program that my overall employer is starting a pilot program for. I was one of only 10 people nominated out of probably hundreds, maybe thousands? And I had to turn it down because the first part of it was a 5 week class, and I had JUST booked plane tickets for our group vacation to Cancun like the day before I got the nomination email. Our group of 4 (me, Sudo, Peach, Joe) have been planning the dates and flights and stuff for like months, and the tickets are non-refundable, so I didn't want to back out of the vacation. I told my management that I was thrilled that they considered me and if they do the program again next year I'd love to be nominated again. Fortunately they were super understanding and didn't take it personally, because I felt like an ass!

Outside of that, work is going really well. Things are busy, but I've settled some negotiations recently and started other ones up. My management is clearly pretty happy with me, and I'm happy with the guy who works for me. So all is right in the working world!

Last night since it was my "night off" and I was home by myself, I ended up going shopping after work and picked up a bunch of cute clothes. I really went to get more work pants. I did get 1 pair, but also ended up with 2 tops, 2 skirts, 2 dresses, and 4 pairs or shorts. And all of that was only about $200. I was cringing at the checkout until I saw the total, and then I was so happy that I treated myself to Jamba Juice afterwards. haha. On top of that, the 2 dresses are super hot. They're tight little dresses that I call "slut wear" so I know the guys will LOVE IT. In fact, one of them I don't think I can actually wear panties with. Ha! Sudo comes over tonight so I told him that I might consider giving him a fashion show of all the new clothes that I just bought. He really enjoyed it the last time I did that! He got a bit of a fashion show on Tues already since I cooked him dinner in a frilly apron that I recently bought... but the apron was the only thing I was wearing ;) I made a damn good burger in that apron too!

After that long 2-post update, really the gist of things is that poly life is good and all is right in the world! In fact, my current struggle is figuring out what symbol I should use to represent Mr. Hyde in my little polycule map with pins/ribbons. I'd like to have a pin made to represent him, and one for Elle, and a custom one for Joe so that he's not just generic white guy #1 (I had extra pins made that were just boy and girl faces for future use).
 
I'm starting to get bummed out by this whole forum :(

I originally started reading here as a place to hear about the poly experiences of others, ask questions if I had them, or just read useful info.

I've been enjoying reading the forums for some time now and seeing the growing community and some really good dialogue happening. But lately, I feel like there's been a lot of negativity and people just being catty, rude, unhelpful, unfriendly, etc. And coming from me, as someone who can often take an "I don't give a shit about the average stranger" attitude... that's saying something. I'm not someone who posts a TON on this side, but I read it all the time and read tons of the threads and quite a few of the blogs, and I feel like I'm just seeing it all over the place lately!

I know that it can be frustrating to see people come to the forums with some of the same issues over and over again, many of those issues being ones that for us somewhat experiences with poly know are either bad ideas, or going down a path that's likely to lead to disaster, etc. But is it really necessary for the initial response to that to be rude and full of assholery? Many of the people who come here are TRYING to learn more from those with more experience. How likely are they to continue to want to have dialogue and learn more about poly if they're being told off with some bitchy attitude about how shitty their decisions are which takes on the implication that they're pretty much a horrible person. It seems to me like the initial response to most inquiry should be polite, welcoming, constructive responses. Even if they're coming in providing background on what is clearly a series of missteps to most of the poly community, you can still have tact and give constructive criticism without being a dick. If they respond with hostility, sure, be a dick back to them. But we're not doing much to make the poly community as a whole look very welcoming if we treat new people who are hoping to learn like shit.

I think the same thing could be said regarding the blogs. Everyone blogs and gives THEIR side of the story. Sometimes the side gives great detail about a situation and sometimes it's super vague. And yet in BOTH situations, I see people jumping to judge someone based on little to no information. Advice is great, that's what many of us come to these forums for, but every story here has 1 side, and it's just getting really old to me to read things where some of the worst conclusions are jumped to.

And hell, maybe it's not even the forum, maybe it's just me and I wish there were more positive stories on here were people were actually sharing the good in their stories and the happy shit as well instead of everything being venty, worried, angry, etc. all the time. But then why would people feel the need to come on a forum, eh? I guess it's kinda like online reviews, people are less likely to feel the need to expend energy writing one if they're happy vs when they're pissed off and want to rant about a crappy product/experience.
 
I totally feel the same way a lot of times about the non-blog boards, and not only here, but I tried getting on the poly Reddit forum once and basically got attacked. It saddens me that more experienced people can't be like, "yes, little newbie, I will hold your hand and make you see things more clearly" instead of "you are doing everything wrong and the bad things that are happening to you are your own fault for not doing it more right."

Although, in my more recent struggles, I've actually gotten nothing but really good support! So it does have its good points and I am thankful I'm here.

Sorry if my blog is part of the negativity. I really wish things were sunshine and roses right now—and I try to post when they are! I promise a return to my regularly scheduled positivity as soon as I find it myself. :)
 
Reverie,

I actually really enjoy your blog! In fact, part of what I really like about it is that when you are going through tough times, you communicate really well with Ryder, and JUST as importantly, you take the time to really think about it ahead of time and digest/unpack/consider things before you have that communication. You look at things from your point of view and what you THINK his point of view is. But then you share with him your point of view and ASK him about his point of view and try to understand where he's coming from. You don't assume that you know how he feels or what he's thinking and you tell him how you feel and what you're thinking so that he doesn't have to guess or assume either. You give him the benefit of the doubt as someone you love and trust and then try to get information and facts to make a rational decision and don't just freak out! At the same time, you hold to your convictions and don't let other people walk all over you just because you're trying to be a decent person. And on the occasions where you do freak out and respond in a way that is potentially irrational or jumps to conclusions, you're willing to admit it, apologize, and try to learn from it.

All of those things are rational, logical, sane, and calm ways to interact with people that you care about, and frankly, just people in general. It's how *I* interact with people (or at least how I try to as much as possible) and then just boggles my mind and frustrates me when I feel like so many other people don't!

So no worries, I absolutely don't think that your blog is part of the issue! Hell, I wish more of the blogs on here were like yours (not dealing with struggles, but that they were dealt with as gracefully).
 
What the Heck?! I could have sworn that I posted a long blog entry about my cabin trip this past weekend, but there's nothing here. I'm not sure if it was all just in my mind or if I wrote something but didn't realize the page had timed out and it never posted. Gah!

Well I'm not re-writing all that crap. Long story short, the weekend was fun. It rained some, but it was sunny enough for part of the time that I still got a bit burned when I laid out for about an hour one day. Good food, good company. But spending so much time around a 5 year old once again reiterated that I will never have kids. It was a serious effort to have to engage and then stay engaged with a kid doing things that I really didn't give a shit about, like playing with stuffed animals, and listening to talk about kid stuff. Joe's daughter was cute, but kids are just exhausting for me and it takes some serious effort to participate. Especially since this particular kid is very much attention hungry. She cares more about interacting with people than what she's actually doing. As a kid, I loved art and coloring and drawing and could spend hours doing that and occupying myself. This girl loves coloring and art and stuff too, but can't focus on it by herself, she needs someone to be doing it with her so that she can jabber away the whole time! Again, cute, but mentally exhausting!

Tues night I stayed at Sudo's with him, Peach, and our mutual friend (can't remember if I gave him a nickname on here, I think I did so I'll have to go back and look). Friend made us homemade pasta ravioli with vodka sauce and it was incredible! We all talked about future house stuff too and the ball is slowly rolling on that. Friend is now planning to move into Sudo and Peach's house by Memorial Day weekend! So this weekend I'm going to try and work with Sudo on getting some stuff in the office organized and stored in the garage (office will be emptied and converted into Friend's room since the office barely gets used anyway). Then, between now and the end of the month we need to do some serious organizing and going through of things in the garage so Friend can store some stuff in there that he might not want buried in a storage unit. Peach will be leaving this up to Sudo and I, because she would gladly just throw away a ton of stuff because she's sick of it, and Sudo has some serious anxiety about being wasteful and throwing away anything useful. I swear, it's like those episodes of hoarders, except they don't have like hoarder quantities of stuff. It's just a plain ole' 1 car garage that has some shelves of the usual crap houses accumulate. Some paint cans from past and current painting, lawn and garden supplies, a work bench with Sudo's various little tools and components, etc. Sounds normal, but Here I want to toss 2 paint cans with old colors that they've since painted over... 1 can was actually un-used, and Sudo just can't do it. What if someone wants to use it for a project? It's still good paint and shouldn't just be tossed. etc. WHAT?! Who in our house is doing a project? And If not us, who else does he know that would want it? Who wants a half used can of a random dark green paint color? Or a can of dark blue? I'm flabbergasted! I know that he grew up in a household that just didn't buy a lot of stuff and were big on not being wasteful. And I'm all about recycling and not wasting something that can be reused.... but only when I KNOW I have a use for it and plan to use it. I'm not going to hold on to something indefinitely for that random rainy day project 15 years from now where I MIGHT on a SLIM chance want to use some green paint. Especially not if it means I have to pack up that paint and lug it to another house and then unpack it!

Mind.

Blown.

However, I'm at least willing to talk through the throw-away things with him and logic to death why we don't need to keep something and get him to a place where he's comfortable, or at least not on the verge of a nervous breakdown, about throwing the item away. I'm pretty sure Peach would just yell and be like "No, Fuck this, I'm throwing this away." Apparently the keeping of cluttery items in the garage is the single biggest point of contention there. Yikes!

This weekend should be easy though since I'm only asking him to pack up some electronic component stuff that really should be in storage by his workbench in the garage anyway. I'm not really asking him to throw anything away. At best, just organize and take some things that have already been set aside for donation to the donation center. Next weekend is when I'll have to break out the big guns and start working on the garage with him though!
 
You might want to try offering it up for free on Craigslist or Freecycle. I've found the "hoarders" in my family do better when they can give it to someone who might use it. If no one claims it, you can toss it separately.

Would Joe's kiddo be moving into the house with you, at any point? (I'm assuming he shares custody.) Because you'll prolly end up doing some parenting whether you like it or not. Trying to disappear every single weekend or times that he has her would be exhausting, and what if he ended up having to take full custody at some point? When I started dating DarkKnight, I had shared custody of my older two kiddos, which within less than a year changed to full custody - which was not something we ever thought would happen. So it was a big adjustment!
 
Thanks Bluebird!! I will definitely talk to Sudo about offering some things up on a free-cycle add or under the free section of CL. Some stuff, if it's nice enough, we can and will just take to good will or another donation center. But they're not going to take something like paint. So maybe that will help him. But either way, he has a deadline, cause we're not letting stuff pile up for months longer waiting for someone to bite at the CL ad!!

As for the housing situation, Joe lives about 2 hours away, and given custody with his divorce and all, I'm not sure that he'd be able to move away any time soon, so right now he's not really being considered in the house plan. Friend, who is the 4th person we're looking to buy in on the house with also has a kid (she's also around 5), but Friend only has her every other weekend, and from what I understand she's a bit better at being cool with just playing and doing her own thing (I've only met her once. Not to mention, since Friend only gets her every other weekend, he intentionally would be home to spend time with his daughter and wouldn't really need us to play a parent role. I don't mind interacting with kids if they're around. We'd all be in a big enough house that I could do stuff with kids when they're present or I can chill out in some other space of the house for part of the time if I need privacy. But since this last experience was in a smaller cabin, it was kid time all the time from being awake until she went to bed around 8 or 8:30 with no real ability to get away even for small periods of time, especially since the weather wasn't great for a big chunk of the trip. I'm just more of a "kids in small doses" kind of person.
 
I would definitely schedule some dates with the other kiddo then - what a parent thinks their child is like, and what others feel are sometimes totally different things. :) Then you can make a more informed decision, and personally, I would base it on, what if this child lived with me 24/7?
 
Yeah, I should definitely be seeing more of Friend's daughter in the coming months. Especially with him moving into Sudo and Peach's house. But we've also had general discussions about how he parents and things like that. For example, if kiddo brings out some art stuff from her room to play with in a general living space, they go back in her room when she's done that activity. Toys don't just pile up in general living spaces. In fact, apparently even her room in his current condo stays picked up and organized when she's not there. So she shows up for a weekend, her room becomes an explosion of toys while she's there, but then before she goes they work together to clean up so that she leaves a clean room. Sweet! I mean, I personally don't care if her room stays messy as long as it isn't dirty and attracting critters in future house. But it IS important to me that we're all on the same page that the general living spaces shouldn't look like a kid's play room. Friend loves to entertain, so he lives by that same standard too. Woo!

And really, as kids get older, I find them easier to deal with. Most adults think the angsty teen years are the worst, but me? I'll take an angsty teen over a toddler or elementary school aged kid ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!

But basically, the next few months will have a lot more time of the 4 of us adults hanging out together and experiencing a shared household (on nights where 3 or even all 4 of us are home) and then we'll also see how things go when the kiddo is there for a weekend as well. I'm pretty optimistic about it though!
 
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