When I tell her that we need to wait, she makes the pouty face & acts disappointed for the next couple of days.
If she chooses to sulk, that's her choice. The reality is you guys are on a different budget since she quit working, and that is not a big secret. It's been a few years now.
As if it's not bad enough to have to waste energy explaining why we don't get a new washer & dryer, I now have to console her when she feels disappointed.
You spend your energy where YOU choose to spend it. You do not have to spend it explain anything. It isn't a big secret the budget has changed.
You do not have to spend it consoling if she's working her own self up. She doesn't want to feel upset? She could learn to exercise self control and not work herself up.
Do not JADE. (Justify, argue, defend or explain.) Especially not stuff you have covered before. Say or remind ONCE, then change the conversation or leave the room.
If she wants to daydream about washers and dryers, are you not able to go "That's nice to dream about. Maybe one day when we can afford it. Glad it helped you pass the day." and let it go?
Why go deeper into it where you choose to explain the budget AGAIN to her or console her being "surprised" that the reality of the budget size is the reality of the budget size? Again... not a secret. You could choose to not get on the merry-go-round if she's inviting you for another spin. You do not sound like you enjoy riding it.
I could be wrong... but I do not think it is about the washer and dryer. I think it is about getting all the attention from you. To me she sounds like she's looking for attention supply. And she's going to try to get it from you whether it is negative attention or positive attention because it's all the same currency -- ATTENTION. By pestering you til you blow up, or being "wounded" until you sympathize and console, or whatever else.... She gets to be the star of the drama. All eyes and attention on her.
I also think that's why she is likely NOT going to do the things you ask.
"Whining" at you has gotten her attention successfully in the past. Why would she stop visiting a successful "attention faucet" if she's looking for an attention fix? If you want it to change, it is you that has to dry up that faucet. She whines, and you do NOT give her attention. Then she has to look for a new faucet.
I told her that she needs to think about it before choosing whether or not to put me into that situation in the first place.
You are the attention dispenser, so she's going to provoke so she gets what she's after -- attention. Why would she think about you and what you need? HER NEED for attention trumps all else. And once gotten and basking in the attention? She can tune out whatever words you say and just enjoy the wash of attention. She might even agree to whatever you are saying in the moment -- not to follow through. But to keep the faucet open and going!
The wash of attention words is like standing in the shower with a wash of water. And like the shower, it eventually ends. So there she is again... looking for another attention hit. It's like trying to fill a black hole of need that will never be full. Exhausting.
I am not trying to disparage you wife. I hope she gets counseling and can solve her many issues. Only she can solve them. You cannot do them for her.
What I am trying to say is that if your current plan is to rest and then begin a divorce process? Well, part of your resting time might include giving some of these behaviors of yours the boot. So you are ABLE to rest more. Stop jumping up to do stuff. STOP being an attention fountain for everything. Pick and choose your battles and be more particular about what you give attention for.
If she does a load of laundry or cooks? PRAISE that to the skies and give that lots of attention.
Anything else be flat and boring. No attention faucet here. So if she's seeking an attention hit again she does the new things that give it to her. try cooking gain or more laundry or a house chore.
Dry up the old attention faucets and be super liberal on the new ones. Focus on what you want MORE of, not on what you do not want.
No more JADE. Don't explain about the budget any more. Say it or remind once, then stop getting into circle conversation about it.
If she works herself up into upset... tell her you are sorry she is upset. Then let her BE upset and figure out console herself. Leave the room.
If she complains that you are being a grouch, don't take the bait and argue. That's just another attention faucet/circular argument. Try something new. AGREE. "Yes, I can imagine it feels like I'm a big grouch now to you. I'm sorry you feel that way." And then disengage from the conversation.
You do not have to allow yourself to be drained dry. Save your energy. You are supposed to be resting and recharging your batteries. So... focus on doing that rather than spending your scant energy elsewhere.
Galagirl
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