Broken and cynical

When I tell her that we need to wait, she makes the pouty face & acts disappointed for the next couple of days.

If she chooses to sulk, that's her choice. The reality is you guys are on a different budget since she quit working, and that is not a big secret. It's been a few years now.

As if it's not bad enough to have to waste energy explaining why we don't get a new washer & dryer, I now have to console her when she feels disappointed.

You spend your energy where YOU choose to spend it. You do not have to spend it explain anything. It isn't a big secret the budget has changed.

You do not have to spend it consoling if she's working her own self up. She doesn't want to feel upset? She could learn to exercise self control and not work herself up.

Do not JADE. (Justify, argue, defend or explain.) Especially not stuff you have covered before. Say or remind ONCE, then change the conversation or leave the room.

If she wants to daydream about washers and dryers, are you not able to go "That's nice to dream about. Maybe one day when we can afford it. Glad it helped you pass the day." and let it go?

Why go deeper into it where you choose to explain the budget AGAIN to her or console her being "surprised" that the reality of the budget size is the reality of the budget size? Again... not a secret. You could choose to not get on the merry-go-round if she's inviting you for another spin. You do not sound like you enjoy riding it.

I could be wrong... but I do not think it is about the washer and dryer. I think it is about getting all the attention from you. To me she sounds like she's looking for attention supply. And she's going to try to get it from you whether it is negative attention or positive attention because it's all the same currency -- ATTENTION. By pestering you til you blow up, or being "wounded" until you sympathize and console, or whatever else.... She gets to be the star of the drama. All eyes and attention on her.

I also think that's why she is likely NOT going to do the things you ask.

"Whining" at you has gotten her attention successfully in the past. Why would she stop visiting a successful "attention faucet" if she's looking for an attention fix? :confused: If you want it to change, it is you that has to dry up that faucet. She whines, and you do NOT give her attention. Then she has to look for a new faucet.

I told her that she needs to think about it before choosing whether or not to put me into that situation in the first place.

You are the attention dispenser, so she's going to provoke so she gets what she's after -- attention. Why would she think about you and what you need? HER NEED for attention trumps all else. And once gotten and basking in the attention? She can tune out whatever words you say and just enjoy the wash of attention. She might even agree to whatever you are saying in the moment -- not to follow through. But to keep the faucet open and going!

The wash of attention words is like standing in the shower with a wash of water. And like the shower, it eventually ends. So there she is again... looking for another attention hit. It's like trying to fill a black hole of need that will never be full. Exhausting.

I am not trying to disparage you wife. I hope she gets counseling and can solve her many issues. Only she can solve them. You cannot do them for her.

What I am trying to say is that if your current plan is to rest and then begin a divorce process? Well, part of your resting time might include giving some of these behaviors of yours the boot. So you are ABLE to rest more. Stop jumping up to do stuff. STOP being an attention fountain for everything. Pick and choose your battles and be more particular about what you give attention for.

If she does a load of laundry or cooks? PRAISE that to the skies and give that lots of attention.

Anything else be flat and boring. No attention faucet here. So if she's seeking an attention hit again she does the new things that give it to her. try cooking gain or more laundry or a house chore.

Dry up the old attention faucets and be super liberal on the new ones. Focus on what you want MORE of, not on what you do not want.

No more JADE. Don't explain about the budget any more. Say it or remind once, then stop getting into circle conversation about it.

If she works herself up into upset... tell her you are sorry she is upset. Then let her BE upset and figure out console herself. Leave the room.

If she complains that you are being a grouch, don't take the bait and argue. That's just another attention faucet/circular argument. Try something new. AGREE. "Yes, I can imagine it feels like I'm a big grouch now to you. I'm sorry you feel that way." And then disengage from the conversation.

You do not have to allow yourself to be drained dry. Save your energy. You are supposed to be resting and recharging your batteries. So... focus on doing that rather than spending your scant energy elsewhere.

Galagirl
 
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CTF, did your wife's "illness" exist before poly came along?
 
If she chooses to sulk, that's her choice. The reality is you guys are on a different budget since she quit working, and that is not a big secret. It's been a few years now.



You spend your energy where YOU choose to spend it. You do not have to spend it explain anything. It isn't a big secret the budget has changed.

You do not have to spend it consoling if she's working her own self up. She doesn't want to feel upset? She could learn to exercise self control and not work herself up.

Do not JADE. (Justify, argue, defend or explain.) Especially not stuff you have covered before. Say or remind ONCE, then change the conversation or leave the room.

If she wants to daydream about washers and dryers, are you not able to go "That's nice to dream about. Maybe one day when we can afford it. Glad it helped you pass the day." and let it go?

Why go deeper into it where you choose to explain the budget AGAIN to her or console her being "surprised" that the reality of the budget size is the reality of the budget size? Again... not a secret. You could choose to not get on the merry-go-round if she's inviting you for another spin. You do not sound like you enjoy riding it.

I could be wrong... but I do not think it is about the washer and dryer. I think it is about getting all the attention from you. To me she sounds like she's looking for attention supply. And she's going to try to get it from you whether it is negative attention or positive attention because it's all the same currency -- ATTENTION. By pestering you til you blow up, or being "wounded" until you sympathize and console, or whatever else.... She gets to be the star of the drama. All eyes and attention on her.

I also think that's why she is likely NOT going to do the things you ask.

"Whining" at you has gotten her attention successfully in the past. Why would she stop visiting a successful "attention faucet" if she's looking for an attention fix? :confused: If you want it to change, it is you that has to dry up that faucet. She whines, and you do NOT give her attention. Then she has to look for a new faucet.



You are the attention dispenser, so she's going to provoke so she gets what she's after -- attention. Why would she think about you and what you need? HER NEED for attention trumps all else. And once gotten the attention and basking in it? She can tune out whatever words you say and just enjoy the wash of attention. She might even agree to whatever you are saying in the moment -- not to follow through. But to keep the faucet open and going!

The wash of attention words is like standing in the shower with a wash of water. And like the shower, it eventually ends. So there she is again... looking for another attention hit. It's like trying to fill a black hole of need that will never be full. Exhausting.

I am not trying to disparage you wife. I hope she gets counseling and can solve her many issues. Only she can solve them. You cannot do them for her.

What I am trying to say is that if your current plan is to rest and then begin a divorce process? Well, part of your resting time might include giving some of these behaviors of yours the boot. So you are ABLE to rest more. Stop jumping up to do stuff. STOP being an attention fountain for everything. Pick and choose your battles and be more particular about what you give attention for.

If she does a load of laundry or cooks? PRAISE that to the skies and give that lots of attention.

Anything else be flat and boring. No attention faucet here. So if she's seeking an attention hit again she does the new things that give it to her. try cooking gain or more laundry or a house chore.

Dry up the old attention faucets and be super liberal on the new ones. Focus on what you want MORE of, not on what you do not want.

No more JADE. Don't explain about the budget any more. Say it or remind once, then stop getting into circle conversation about it.

If she works herself up into upset... tell her you are sorry she is upset. Then let her BE upset and figure out console herself. Leave the room.

If she complains that you are being a grouch, don't take the bait and argue. That's just another attention faucet/circular argument. Try something new. AGREE. "Yes, I can imagine it feels like I'm a big grouch now to you. I'm sorry you feel that way." And then disengage from the conversation.

You do not have to allow yourself to be drained dry. Save your energy. You are supposed to be resting and recharging your batteries. So... focus on doing that rather than spending your scant energy elsewhere.

Galagirl

That all makes a lot of sense. And at times, I do find myself avoiding heavy engagement. Especially when she went on this house hunting binge.

It's weird, she gets this idea into her head, then obsesses over it until the message is clear that it ain't happening. And for a period of time, I would step back & avoid indulging her on talking about it. And lately, I've done virtually no discussing on any major, or even moderate purchases unless it became an absolutely necessary thing to discuss.

I've also put her in charge of more odd jobs too. I do blame myself for coddling her for such a long time. I don't know, I thought I was helping by taking the burden off of her. Unfortunately, when she quit her job, she showed no willingness to take of of the responsibilities back until I had to force that hand... Little things like "reminding" me to call the dentist to schedule appointments. Oh, the look on her face when I told her that I was busy, and she could do it. But... She did it.

I've also been coming home later in the evenings. I've been trying to work on a social life, so I get together with people after work, or sometimes hang out at the bar & chat with people there. Otherwise, I come home, and it's just an evening of her wanting to watch tv. I'm done with that. I stare at a computer screen all day, it's not relaxing to stare at a tv for the rest of the night.
 
CTF, did your wife's "illness" exist before poly came along?

They kind of happened around the same time. The poly talk, where she revealed it to me came about 4 months after she quit her job, but she was talking about it a lot in the around that time. The timeline went essentially like this.

Oct/Nov, 2014, she reconnects with jersey.

Jan 2015, my dad passes. The following day, she tells me about an article where she thinks that poly makes a lot of sense. My reply is that, it's not my cup of tea, and it would never work for us, but it's not my place to say if it has nothing to do with me. Then the day after my dad's funeral, she tells me that she think that I've changed, I smother her too much... She then leaves the room to talk to jersey & I overhear her telling him that I'm jealous, clingy, etc...

Feb 2015, she has a nervous breakdown at work. I pick her up to take her to a psychiatrist's office for an emergency session. She quits her job the following Monday. Suddenly, she's in a better mood, and filling 10-12, sometimes 14 hours a day talking to him. Be it online, on the phone, text, etc... Once this becomes obvious, I point it out. She apologizes, but nothing changes.

Throughout the next few months. Between my vocalizing about the time spent, and her asking several times questions about who I'd be comfortable with her sleeping with, etc... My guard was on alert.

Then, in June, she drops the bomb on me. I freak out, and then next 6 weeks are hell until she finally agrees to quit contact with him.

And ever since, our marriage has never been the same. There are more details, but this it the cliff notes version
 
CTF, just two ideas, which may help understanding or be totally off

1) Her infatuation with that washing machine, just think about something all the time with no regards to reality, sounds kind of similar to her infatuation with the Jersey guy. I forgot, does her diagnosis include OCD? Would it help you any to view the Jersey guy like... a washing machine?

Jan 2015, my dad passes. The following day, she tells me about an article where she thinks that poly makes a lot of sense. My reply is that, it's not my cup of tea, and it would never work for us, but it's not my place to say if it has nothing to do with me. Then the day after my dad's funeral, she tells me that she think that I've changed, I smother her too much... She then leaves the room to talk to jersey & I overhear her telling him that I'm jealous, clingy, etc...
2) That is a weird coincidence. To me it sounds like maybe she escaped the pain of processing death (her own fear, supporting you, bad memories...) right into illness. (And infatuation.) She wasn't strong enough to face this trigger.
There's not much you can do about that of course, but is it a little clarifying?
 
As per your timeline, the Jersey guy was the beginning of the storm. And it is a storm that has been going on ever since. Am I correct in saying that?
 
CTF, just two ideas, which may help understanding or be totally off

1) Her infatuation with that washing machine, just think about something all the time with no regards to reality, sounds kind of similar to her infatuation with the Jersey guy. I forgot, does her diagnosis include OCD? Would it help you any to view the Jersey guy like... a washing machine?


2) That is a weird coincidence. To me it sounds like maybe she escaped the pain of processing death (her own fear, supporting you, bad memories...) right into illness. (And infatuation.) She wasn't strong enough to face this trigger.
There's not much you can do about that of course, but is it a little clarifying?


Yes, her diagnosis does include OCD. And the washing machine is one example out of many. New car, new house, etc... While there are parallels to help understand the disorder itself, it doesn't help me to consider jersey like the washing machine. Or, let me put it this way, it makes me feel worse to think so. The common theme, is that she gets tired of the item she has, and wants a new one. Even if there's no problem with the old one. And with that in mind, jersey's presence would indicate him being my replacement.

It is a weird coincidence... But if there's one thing that put a spotlight on our entire marriage, is that she's much better at being the one to get comforted, rather than do the comforting. I don't brow beat her, but she does know that having to grieve the loss of my dad without her support because she was too busy with jersey is a sore spot that might not ever fully go away. And to add insult to injury, being told that it's in the past & I need to move on is not pleasant.

when my dad did pass, I received my share of condolences & attention. Much more than I was ever really used to. But also, much more than she was used to seeing. I may have just been overthinking it, but there's a part of me that felt like the nervous breakdown was her way of bringing the attention back to her. She might not have even done it on purpose, but maybe seeing others try to comfort me, and not paying as much attention to her may have sparked something in her. I could be wrong though.
 
As per your timeline, the Jersey guy was the beginning of the storm. And it is a storm that has been going on ever since. Am I correct in saying that?

Yes and no. I do see him as the beginning of the storm, and the storm did go on for a long time. But now, I'd say rather than being in a storm, I'm kind of just floating out to see in a damaged boat, and not all that concerned with trying to paddle back.
 
it doesn't help me to consider jersey like the washing machine. Or, let me put it this way, it makes me feel worse to think so. The common theme, is that she gets tired of the item she has, and wants a new one. Even if there's no problem with the old one. And with that in mind, jersey's presence would indicate him being my replacement.
Ok, I'm sorry, if this made you feel worse.
Your marriage been in a good shape for 20 years before all this... I doubt it was just an obsession.
 
Ok, I'm sorry, if this made you feel worse.
Your marriage been in a good shape for 20 years before all this... I doubt it was just an obsession.

No apologies necessary. You didn't do anything to make me feel worse. I had already contemplated that angle. The night my wife broke the news to me, I didn't get a wink of sleep. And counting from the time I woke up that morning on the day of, I was awake for 40 solid hours. Lot's of time to think about everything. The question, the denial, the shock. I couldn't eat. I lost 24 lbs over the course of the month & a half that followed. Some days I went almost 3 days without putting a bite into my mouth.

The worst of all of that is definitely behind me. I don't like to think of it all, but at least I'm not secretly wishing I was dead anymore.

All I meant in my previous post, was that thinking of him on the same level as these inanimate objects doesn't help... I don't dehumanize him, instead I tend to humanize the washing machine, or the car, the house, you name it.

I totally get your point, but please, I'm not saying any of this to fish for apologies.
 
when my dad did pass, I received my share of condolences & attention. Much more than I was ever really used to. But also, much more than she was used to seeing. I may have just been overthinking it, but there's a part of me that felt like the nervous breakdown was her way of bringing the attention back to her. She might not have even done it on purpose, but maybe seeing others try to comfort me, and not paying as much attention to her may have sparked something in her. I could be wrong though.

I have some drama people in my life. I keep my distance, but these are relatives so I cannot totally avoid them. And they would totally do something like that. Consciously or not -- they would have a THING, pitch a fit, or some other thing so all eyes are back on them because they want the attention. They don't like not being the center of the show. They feel invisible otherwise.

Galagirl
 
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Were you preoccupied by your father's final illness? If she needs a certain level of attention in order to feel whole and sane, then a prolonged effort to cope with less may have been behind all her emotional disturbances over the last couple of years.

Leetah
 
I have some drama people in my life. I keep my distance, but these are relatives so I cannot totally avoid them. And they would totally do something like that. Consciously or not -- they would have a THING, pitch a fit, or some other thing so all eyes are back on them because they want the attention. They don't like not being the center of the show. They feel invisible otherwise.

Galagirl

Yes, some people are like that. And maybe it's not always intentional, but there definitely seems to be a need like that from her. I've spoken with a couple of friends over the course of the last year or so about this, and sufficed to say, I'm not the only one who noticed it.
 
Were you preoccupied by your father's final illness? If she needs a certain level of attention in order to feel whole and sane, then a prolonged effort to cope with less may have been behind all her emotional disturbances over the last couple of years.

Leetah

That's a hard one to answer really. I mean, his illness was definitely on my mind, but in my opinion, I wouldn't say I was preoccupied with it. I probably was during key moments, like before or after his operation, or whenever he had some major test & was waiting for results, as well as his last few weeks, which were right during the holidays. But I don't think that it kept me from the day to day stuff. Admittedly though, my perspective on how I was could have been fogged by the gravity of the situation.

I do remember though, there were a lot of times I tried to reach out to her. It felt like I was always waiting for their game, or their movie to end, and many times, they'd put on a second move, or play a few extra rounds of their game & she would claim she "forgot" that I was waiting for her. And times where she would put get off the computer to be with me, there were constant interruptions because they'd be texting the whole time... If I brought it up, I'd get a very annoyed tone out of her.

Her excuse as to why she spent so much time with him, was that he would approach her with a problem that he had.. Maybe an argument with his mom, or just a bad day for whatever reason. And claimed to have felt "obligated to help him, because he kept her company while she was stuck at home recovering from an operation she had shortly around the time they began talking.
 
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