polyrhythmic
New member
Pardon the info dump, but here goes:
I've been married for about six years, together with my wife--let's call her A--for about ten years. We recently opened up our marriage and are exploring polyamory. We're in something of an FWB situation with another couple that we met through a dating app (I say "something of an..." because I'm not sure if it's going to morph into more of a dating relationship, but everyone is romantically/sexually into everyone else, so we'll see how that evolves) and we're also starting to meet other people individually. We're both bi, so we're getting in touch with both men and women, though it's primarily women at this point for both of us.
Prior to this experience, A and I have rarely been apart. We do the same activities, have pretty much all the same interests, have a lot of the same friends (though we haven't lived in this city long, and I feel like the friends are "hers" and I just tag along) etc...we were joined at the hip. Now that we're exploring polyamory, we're spending more time apart, and probably will spend even MORE time apart as we each develop individual relationships. That's exciting, but also scary because we've been defined by each other for so long. Yay, mono relationships.
The problem is, she has so far been way more successful at meeting and connecting with people than I have. I'm a little more introverted than she is, and she's also had the help of a platonic friends app designed specifically for female friendship, so she's been able to build up a me-independent network while I'm still wallowing at home most of the time. Both of us have struggled through depression in the past, but her depressed period was a few years before mine, so she has had time to pull herself out of it and build a life for herself, whereas I just got my depression under control about six months ago and am still dealing with the aftereffects.
I don't want our relationship to devolve into notch counting (how many "dates" we have or matches or whatever), but at the same time I feel a little worthless at times because she seems to be swimming in people who like her and want to be with her, while I have a hard time keeping a single e-conversation going. I think some of it has to do with gender dynamics (women seem to text/communicate more freely with each other, and I think men (rightfully) have to demonstrate that they're not shitbags and/or creeps before women open up to them), and some of it has to do with my own habits.
I know I need to spend some time on myself, but I can't help feeling a little left in the dust, particularly because I helped her through her depression in the past before descending into my own. Now she's free and clear and this meeting-people-and-forging-a-connection stuff seems to come easily to her (and I often forget that it took her years, with a lot of help from me, to get to this point) while I'm struggling to keep up.
So, any advice on dealing with this feeling of asymmetry? Is there any way to deal with it other than self-improvement and time (which I know I need to do anyway)?
I've been married for about six years, together with my wife--let's call her A--for about ten years. We recently opened up our marriage and are exploring polyamory. We're in something of an FWB situation with another couple that we met through a dating app (I say "something of an..." because I'm not sure if it's going to morph into more of a dating relationship, but everyone is romantically/sexually into everyone else, so we'll see how that evolves) and we're also starting to meet other people individually. We're both bi, so we're getting in touch with both men and women, though it's primarily women at this point for both of us.
Prior to this experience, A and I have rarely been apart. We do the same activities, have pretty much all the same interests, have a lot of the same friends (though we haven't lived in this city long, and I feel like the friends are "hers" and I just tag along) etc...we were joined at the hip. Now that we're exploring polyamory, we're spending more time apart, and probably will spend even MORE time apart as we each develop individual relationships. That's exciting, but also scary because we've been defined by each other for so long. Yay, mono relationships.
The problem is, she has so far been way more successful at meeting and connecting with people than I have. I'm a little more introverted than she is, and she's also had the help of a platonic friends app designed specifically for female friendship, so she's been able to build up a me-independent network while I'm still wallowing at home most of the time. Both of us have struggled through depression in the past, but her depressed period was a few years before mine, so she has had time to pull herself out of it and build a life for herself, whereas I just got my depression under control about six months ago and am still dealing with the aftereffects.
I don't want our relationship to devolve into notch counting (how many "dates" we have or matches or whatever), but at the same time I feel a little worthless at times because she seems to be swimming in people who like her and want to be with her, while I have a hard time keeping a single e-conversation going. I think some of it has to do with gender dynamics (women seem to text/communicate more freely with each other, and I think men (rightfully) have to demonstrate that they're not shitbags and/or creeps before women open up to them), and some of it has to do with my own habits.
I know I need to spend some time on myself, but I can't help feeling a little left in the dust, particularly because I helped her through her depression in the past before descending into my own. Now she's free and clear and this meeting-people-and-forging-a-connection stuff seems to come easily to her (and I often forget that it took her years, with a lot of help from me, to get to this point) while I'm struggling to keep up.
So, any advice on dealing with this feeling of asymmetry? Is there any way to deal with it other than self-improvement and time (which I know I need to do anyway)?