Couples on the rocks. Poly is not the answer, or is it?

I have had three couples on the rocks this year ask or suggest whether an open relationship was the answer to one problem or another. I always said no and that it will actually highlight every deficiency you have. Then I wondered when I would say yes. There are perfectly legitimate or useful reasons to turn to poly to satisfy needs that are currently the source of relationship trauma. If you came to poly out of difficulties and it did serve to settle a relationship would you share your story?
 
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In my case we initially got together while she was in an open relationship. Eventually we became monogamous with each other. That was her choice. Skip ahead many years and we decided to open up our relationship. We did this because there were things both of us needed that weren't being satisfied.

Yes it did highlight every deficiency we had. Bringing them to the forefront made it easier, I think, to deal with them. We both had trust and jealousy issues arising out of our own insecurities.

For me, getting that one thing I was denied in the relationship allowed me to see more clearly how much I appreciated what I did have with her.

I guess how well it works depends on how much each is committed to making it work and realizing the problems one has is usually within them.
 
DarkKnight and I opened our relationship when every single thing was amazing between us, except for the amount of sex we were having. (In my opinion) We had exhausted every other alternative - we went to counseling, we tried toys, mutual and solo masturbation, everything - and then he suggested it as an option. Now I can't imagine living my life any other way. It was interesting because I never felt as if it did shine a spotlight on anything wrong in our relationship, because there really wasn't anything we hadn't already tackled. There was no existing trauma.

That said, it did highlight issues that I personally needed to deal with, and I've been working on those problems for about 3 years now. I've made really good strides with some, not so much with others. Each new relationship I have had has spotlighted other personality traits that need attention. It's made me become the best me there is, I think. I'm still working on it! :)
 
My husband and I initially opened our relationship because we both had sexual needs that weren't being met. It has definitely been an overall positive thing for our ~relationship~, removing (or at least mitigating) the single source of frustration and stress for us as a couple. We spend much less time looking at the negatives in each other, and much more time celebrating the great things about us.

I'm on the fence as to whether it has been a positive experience for us as ~individuals~. Neither of us is someone who would have chosen polyamory if there hadn't been an issue to resolve... In other words, it doesn't always come easily for us. We are both, surprisingly, awesome at compersion and being thrilled when the other has another wonderful partner. We both kind of suck at actually finding and enjoying our own other relationships.

If someone wanted my advice/opinion/words of wisdom on using poly to "fix" an existing relationship, I would definitely say it CAN work. But it will probably bring in new problems to replace the ones it solves! Not even necessarily new problems in the original couple dynamic, but new struggles for each individual as they try to navigate multiple relationships.
 
I really think it depends on what the issues are and how committed the couple is on working through them.

My relationship with Blue has always been open. I agree with Bluebird, that it's really shined a light on my own issues, hangups, and my idea of what love and a successful relationship looks like.
 
We opened up our relationship due to my libido not that I was missing anything in my relationship with Butch.
 
"Relationship trauma," or having important issues in a relationship that need resolving, isn't necessarily the same thing as being "on the rocks," is it?

Take, for example, when people have different libidos or sexual preferences but are compatible in all other ways. A difference in libido might seem traumatic at first, but the relationship can still be strong, healthy, and loving. But, to me, a relationship being on the rocks would mean it is really broken and they are hanging on by a thread instead of facing the possibility that they would be better off parting ways. I think that's when "relationship broken, add people" is a definite path to disaster.

What was it about these couples that indicated they were on the rocks?
 
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I had a line in my OkCupid profile about how I'm not a substitute for marriage counselling, and that if you have problems in your existing relationship you need to sort them out before involving innocent bystanders.

By that I mean it might or might not work out in the long run for the original couple, but you aren't the only ones who stand to be hurt if/when it doesn't. If there are ongoing issues within your existing relationship you need to disclose the fact to a potential partner before they become involved with you and give them the opportunity to back out. Any other choice is unethical.
 
I think that some (certainly not all) struggling marriages/couples can be helped by polyamory, though as GirlFromTexlahoma pointed out, polyamory will probably introduce some new problems even while it solves other problems.

Brother-Husband and Snowbunny had some problems in their marriage which were indeed helped by adding me and becoming a V. The main problem was a libido/frequency issue, but there were other problems that polyamory helped as well.
 
I've always been drawn to nonmonogamy, even before meeting my first lover, so I will admit to not having basis to wrap my head around the "transition" thing.

Based on my experiences with public & semi-public events hosted by some Minneapolis-area swinging groups, I would recommend that as a great early step, to see how others happily interact outside of straitlaced monogamy. But it varies a LOT from group to group, & that's totally YMMV.

I would greatly enjoy seeing anyone's suggestions as to a sort of loose curriculum, to maybe make "transitioning" something other than one sudden leap.

But as for the present state of affairs... well, no. If a troubled couple might benefit from distraction, then it feels as though there's better things to do that don't draw others into an emotionally open situation or a bait-&-switch. And I kinda feel that "polyamory" would tend to get painted as nothing more than a gray period, a trendy rationale in moving from one "lifelong" monogamous relationship to another, without need to pick up any of the skills that are so often associated with actual polyamory.
 
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