Dealing with an insecure partner

Hello! I am new to the site and kind of in a pinch for time, so forgive me if this issue has already been addressed. I haven't read through the site thoroughly yet. :3

Well, I'll just get to the point. Sometime about a year and a half ago, I met a couple who have since become close friends of mine. We're all in our mid twenties and we all work together. They have known each other since middle school and have been romantically involved for about four years. I'll just call them k(female) and j(male).

K and I have always kind of liked each other, but we never acted upon it until recently(my first time with a lady ^_^) She always told me they were in an open relationship, so I figured they had arrangements for that sort of thing. I am new to this kind of freedom in a relationship, so I felt guilty as if I had betrayed j. But, my concerns were lessened when I brought it up to k, who told me it was the contrary. K and I continued to fool around for the next couple weeks. One day last week or so, all three of us went out and the three of us ended up in bed together(another first for me~) we all had a great time. We were all really happy and flirting at work. We decided to go out to karaoke less than a week later. This is where the problem started.

We were just going about our night. We met another couple out, got drinks, sang, and had a seemingly good time. A slow song came on and an older couple started slow dancing. I made a comment about how sweet I thought their love was. J seemed moved and asked me to dance. I agreed without giving it much consideration. After singing a bit more, we all left. We planned to have a sleep over, but instead k took me home because she was in a terrible mood after j and I danced. They went home, argued about it, and later sent me a text explaining that it was not my fault because they had not set any guidelines for their relationship yet. This concerned me because I had been told several times in the past that they were in an open relationship. I'm afraid that if they didn't think to set guidelines, they don't realize what they are getting into.

I have always been insecure about my own weight among other things, so I know how to spot insecurity in another person. I also know how insecurity will tear apart a relationship and tear away at your very being for that matter. Ever since that night at karaoke, k has been getting upset when j and i spend any length of time together that doesn't involve her. I go out with k without j often, and j is okay with it. But even when we are only having a casual conversation at work with no flirting involved, I noticed that k is uncomfortable with me being alone with j. This is upsetting to me, and has taken all of the fun out of things. because now I am walking on eggshells instead of just acting natural. We all had good dynamics and I had such a good time before this happened. I would like to have a talk with her but I have no idea how to go about it. I just want to tell her that I'm not trying to move in on their relationship, but I am attracted to both of them and would like to keep it fun and casual. I want her to see me dancing with j and think "wow, look at those cuties" and not "omg, my man is touching another woman". I do not want my friendship with j to deteriorate because I can't spend time with him.

I'm sure someone on this site has had some kind of experience with an insecure partner. What can I do to reassure her that I'm not a competitor? In your experience, has an insecure partner ever gotten used to the idea of sharing? Or would I be better off ending it before something gets worse?
 
Does J know about your casual sexual relationship? Just thinking she hasn't told him and she's worried you'll out her.
 
Could keep it simple.

Either verbally or over email. Something like...

"I am not sure what is the best way to bring this up. So I will just be direct with both of you. Ever since that night at karaoke, I notice k uncomfortable when j and i spend time together alone. I notice j is fine when k and I spend time alone.

I'm not trying to move in on the( j+k ) relationship or make waves. I am attracted to both and would like to keep it fun and casual. I would like each to reassure me that they are each ok with the (j +k) rship, the (me + k) rship and the (me + j) rship. Could you each be willing and able to reassure me of that at this time?

If things are not ok could you be willing to tell me? Is there anything you each might need from me at this time?"​

Have the conversations you need to be having.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top