Hi Y'all,
I'm new to polyamory and it somewhat happened by surprise in my same-sex open relationship.
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History
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I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.
My fiance (we will call him "M") and I both met someone (we will call him "J") that we felt a connection with. We discussed our feelings with each other, and decided to allow ourselves to experience a polyamorous relationship with him. Soon, our relationship started growing and we began developing the relationship as a triad, and each individually with each other.
My feelings eventually grew and I found myself in love with both our new boyfriend (J) and of course, still very much in love with my fiance (M). J, however, is much more guarded with his feelings and has taken his time (not only with feelings but also with public labels). My fiance/partner (M) had yet to "fall in love" with J and is also very guarded and takes things slow at first.
Fast forward a few weeks, and we all took trips together and alone for various purposes.
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The Trips
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Present Situation
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Now that the history and trips are out of the way, here is where things are currently (in order of occurrence)
---------
Summary
---------
I fell in love with J first. M doesn't express his feelings as readily as I do. I knew they were closer after Chicago, but I was still completely shocked and even devastated to hear that J had fallen in love with M (but not me). I guess, I just thought he would love me back. I thought I could feel it when he looked at me. There was overwhelming chemistry (at least, I thought there was), and now it's gone.
I smiled as he told me he was in love with M and reassured him that I appreciated him being honest, but then I calmly told him that I was hurting and needed to get out of the house for a bit (alone) and process my feelings. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. M has since told me that he too has fallen in love with J and still loves me very much too. I want them to love each other, but I want to be loved by both of them too.
I feel defeated. I feel like I have failed. I feel like many of the things he mentioned about his reason for not falling in love with me (see #5 under Present Situation) are things that are simply... well, me. I'm afraid I can't change some of those things, and if I do, I won't be happy. I'm afraid that if I don't ... I'll hurt both of them, and I'll lose J (maybe even M, in the process).
Admittedly, I'm lacking motivation to go to the gym (I was going every day - I haven't been since before I got sick/their Chicago trip). Now, I just feel crushed and it's hard to motivate yourself when you feel unattractive to the people you are with (and even to yourself). I'm trying to make time with friends to get out of the house and live my life (and trying very hard to not talk about this situation when I do).
To top it all off - now I'm getting sick again ... Already feeling like a third wheel, and somewhat of a nuisance/hinderance to their growing relationship, I got out of bed so as not to disturb them with my returning cough. I decided to search for a forum where I could discuss my situation with a community who understands so that hopefully I may learn what I need to do to salvage the relationship, to learn if it is something I can save, or if I just need to readjust my current "glass half empty" outlook.
I'd appreciate your advice.
Sad Human,
polybee
P.S. I tend to write a book. I am sorry. I suppose that is because of my "heart-on-my-sleeve" nature (or flaw).
I'm new to polyamory and it somewhat happened by surprise in my same-sex open relationship.
---------
History
---------
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.
My fiance (we will call him "M") and I both met someone (we will call him "J") that we felt a connection with. We discussed our feelings with each other, and decided to allow ourselves to experience a polyamorous relationship with him. Soon, our relationship started growing and we began developing the relationship as a triad, and each individually with each other.
My feelings eventually grew and I found myself in love with both our new boyfriend (J) and of course, still very much in love with my fiance (M). J, however, is much more guarded with his feelings and has taken his time (not only with feelings but also with public labels). My fiance/partner (M) had yet to "fall in love" with J and is also very guarded and takes things slow at first.
Fast forward a few weeks, and we all took trips together and alone for various purposes.
--------
The Trips
--------
Trip 1: J goes to Chicago : New situations arose in our relationship that made me and M uncomfortable. We discussed these issues with J, though I took the lead in these conversations, and decided on a resolution that seemed agreeable. (It's a new relationship and we hadn't set any boundaries or guidelines and this trip helped us establish those. How we approach sex with others, and how we communicate honestly about sex with others.)
Trip 2: I go to Atlanta : I spent time away on my own and allowed J & M to bond at our home in Nashville.
Trip 3: M goes to Washington, DC : J and I had a great time at home in Nashville, talking and bonding. We went on a nice "date" to a burlesque show and dinner at 20's-style speakeasy. We couldn't wait for M to come back.
Trip 4: Me and J go to Atlanta : J and I opened up to one another. I enjoyed the trip and felt like we became closer. We went out with friends, had a great date at sushi and I felt like we really connected. (J on the other hand had a different experience that I didn't learn about until later ... we'll get to that in the Present Situation section.)
Trip 5: J & M go to Chicago : J & M spent 3 days in Chicago, exploring the city, going out and bonding. From the photos and posts, it seemed like an all-around great time. They had sexual adventures with others together that seemed fun and we all communicated.
(When J & M arrived home to Nashville, I could tell that the dynamic between them had changed... for the better. I was sick with a cold. I slept on the couch for almost two weeks to prevent spreading my germs. They slept together in our bed, ate together and went to the gym together. I was starting to feel distance growing between me and J. Despite this, J updated his relationship status on various social media networks and told his friends he was in a relationship.)
Trip 6: Me and M go to Atlanta : We had a huge snow storm at home in Nashville, where J stayed to watch our home and dogs. J and I had an argument about something that happened regarding the dogs/house/snow situation. M shared my point of view, but said that I handled the discussion poorly. I agree that I was combative and allowed the growing distance between me and J to shroud my judgement and I began the conversation by defecting (which of course, received a similar response).
(When we arrived home, J and I discussed the argument and while I stood by my feelings in the situation ... I also apologized for how I handled it. The distance between us was vast.)
Trip 2: I go to Atlanta : I spent time away on my own and allowed J & M to bond at our home in Nashville.
Trip 3: M goes to Washington, DC : J and I had a great time at home in Nashville, talking and bonding. We went on a nice "date" to a burlesque show and dinner at 20's-style speakeasy. We couldn't wait for M to come back.
Trip 4: Me and J go to Atlanta : J and I opened up to one another. I enjoyed the trip and felt like we became closer. We went out with friends, had a great date at sushi and I felt like we really connected. (J on the other hand had a different experience that I didn't learn about until later ... we'll get to that in the Present Situation section.)
Trip 5: J & M go to Chicago : J & M spent 3 days in Chicago, exploring the city, going out and bonding. From the photos and posts, it seemed like an all-around great time. They had sexual adventures with others together that seemed fun and we all communicated.
(When J & M arrived home to Nashville, I could tell that the dynamic between them had changed... for the better. I was sick with a cold. I slept on the couch for almost two weeks to prevent spreading my germs. They slept together in our bed, ate together and went to the gym together. I was starting to feel distance growing between me and J. Despite this, J updated his relationship status on various social media networks and told his friends he was in a relationship.)
Trip 6: Me and M go to Atlanta : We had a huge snow storm at home in Nashville, where J stayed to watch our home and dogs. J and I had an argument about something that happened regarding the dogs/house/snow situation. M shared my point of view, but said that I handled the discussion poorly. I agree that I was combative and allowed the growing distance between me and J to shroud my judgement and I began the conversation by defecting (which of course, received a similar response).
(When we arrived home, J and I discussed the argument and while I stood by my feelings in the situation ... I also apologized for how I handled it. The distance between us was vast.)
---------
Present Situation
---------
Now that the history and trips are out of the way, here is where things are currently (in order of occurrence)
1. J and I are now further apart than ever, yet we are all contemplating a move to Atlanta together. (M is attending grad school in Atlanta, so he and I have to move. J wants to come along.)
2. I told J that we should discuss whether moving to Atlanta together is a good idea, given the distance between us. (despite the fact that I still love him deeply)
3. This upset J and he stayed at his house for part of the day, instead of coming back to ours (where I was and he usually stays). He meanwhile invited M over for sex (because M works near his house), but M didn't go (to my knowledge - I haven't asked).
4. J and I discussed the distance between us, and he said it started during Trip 4 when we both opened up to each other. He said he shared more than he ever has and it made him feel vulnerable. I shared and it made him feel overwhelmed, and that he also realized how deep my feelings were for him. It scared him and made him uncomfortable. He said we never found a time to recover because of me being sick and quarantined and continued to drift further apart. He said our fight during Trip 6 was "the icing on the cake." (More like the "nail in the coffin," if you ask me.)
5. J discussed with me that his feelings for M developed into love while they were in Chicago (Trip 5).
6. J told me that he does not love me. That he feels more connected to M. He said it only makes sense, because they have more in common, they do more together, they even share a sense of humor (while mine is somewhat "corny" and usually "not very funny"). He also said that I am excessively sentimental. He told me that I was positive and upbeat when we met, but I have become negative and my lack of motivation to go to the gym (in the past three weeks) makes me less attractive. He said I was once bold, but now I act meek and scared. (Probably stemming from the situation at hand, but also because they both told me a few weeks ago that I a speak too dirty in bed which is a turn-off. I have been super sensitive about that ever since.)
7. J told me that he wants us to mend our relationship, but I feel like I have gone out of my way to do little things that seem to do little to help. (bought him a nice bottle of his favorite wine while he was stressed about school, touch him and kiss him, trying not to be too "mushy," and I'm make an effort to keep things light and care-free).
8. I receive almost zero emotional and physical interest back from J. M is stuck in the middle and is trying to remain neutral until we work it out.
2. I told J that we should discuss whether moving to Atlanta together is a good idea, given the distance between us. (despite the fact that I still love him deeply)
3. This upset J and he stayed at his house for part of the day, instead of coming back to ours (where I was and he usually stays). He meanwhile invited M over for sex (because M works near his house), but M didn't go (to my knowledge - I haven't asked).
4. J and I discussed the distance between us, and he said it started during Trip 4 when we both opened up to each other. He said he shared more than he ever has and it made him feel vulnerable. I shared and it made him feel overwhelmed, and that he also realized how deep my feelings were for him. It scared him and made him uncomfortable. He said we never found a time to recover because of me being sick and quarantined and continued to drift further apart. He said our fight during Trip 6 was "the icing on the cake." (More like the "nail in the coffin," if you ask me.)
5. J discussed with me that his feelings for M developed into love while they were in Chicago (Trip 5).
6. J told me that he does not love me. That he feels more connected to M. He said it only makes sense, because they have more in common, they do more together, they even share a sense of humor (while mine is somewhat "corny" and usually "not very funny"). He also said that I am excessively sentimental. He told me that I was positive and upbeat when we met, but I have become negative and my lack of motivation to go to the gym (in the past three weeks) makes me less attractive. He said I was once bold, but now I act meek and scared. (Probably stemming from the situation at hand, but also because they both told me a few weeks ago that I a speak too dirty in bed which is a turn-off. I have been super sensitive about that ever since.)
7. J told me that he wants us to mend our relationship, but I feel like I have gone out of my way to do little things that seem to do little to help. (bought him a nice bottle of his favorite wine while he was stressed about school, touch him and kiss him, trying not to be too "mushy," and I'm make an effort to keep things light and care-free).
8. I receive almost zero emotional and physical interest back from J. M is stuck in the middle and is trying to remain neutral until we work it out.
---------
Summary
---------
I fell in love with J first. M doesn't express his feelings as readily as I do. I knew they were closer after Chicago, but I was still completely shocked and even devastated to hear that J had fallen in love with M (but not me). I guess, I just thought he would love me back. I thought I could feel it when he looked at me. There was overwhelming chemistry (at least, I thought there was), and now it's gone.
I smiled as he told me he was in love with M and reassured him that I appreciated him being honest, but then I calmly told him that I was hurting and needed to get out of the house for a bit (alone) and process my feelings. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. M has since told me that he too has fallen in love with J and still loves me very much too. I want them to love each other, but I want to be loved by both of them too.
I feel defeated. I feel like I have failed. I feel like many of the things he mentioned about his reason for not falling in love with me (see #5 under Present Situation) are things that are simply... well, me. I'm afraid I can't change some of those things, and if I do, I won't be happy. I'm afraid that if I don't ... I'll hurt both of them, and I'll lose J (maybe even M, in the process).
Admittedly, I'm lacking motivation to go to the gym (I was going every day - I haven't been since before I got sick/their Chicago trip). Now, I just feel crushed and it's hard to motivate yourself when you feel unattractive to the people you are with (and even to yourself). I'm trying to make time with friends to get out of the house and live my life (and trying very hard to not talk about this situation when I do).
To top it all off - now I'm getting sick again ... Already feeling like a third wheel, and somewhat of a nuisance/hinderance to their growing relationship, I got out of bed so as not to disturb them with my returning cough. I decided to search for a forum where I could discuss my situation with a community who understands so that hopefully I may learn what I need to do to salvage the relationship, to learn if it is something I can save, or if I just need to readjust my current "glass half empty" outlook.
I'd appreciate your advice.
Sad Human,
polybee
P.S. I tend to write a book. I am sorry. I suppose that is because of my "heart-on-my-sleeve" nature (or flaw).
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