ravenmaid37
New member
CW: Suicide
I’m a polyamorous woman with a nesting partner and two serious boyfriends. About two months ago, I connected with John*, a polyam Dad who lives nearby. We had a fantastic first date where the conversation never faltered and we ended the night making out in his car like teenagers. We quickly scheduled the next date and decided he would sleep over since my husband would be staying with his girlfriend.
The week leading up to our overnight included lots of hot sexting and connective conversation. We both joked that we were guaranteed to be disappointed since our expectations were too high. But then a miracle happened: The sex was absolutely amazing and we did it five times, which is a lot even for me. Between sex we talked and laughed and gazed at each other in ways that felt like a beginning of something that could be really special. The next morning I was glowing with NRE and texting my friends about how I needed to tone down the feelz.
The morning after I didn’t hear from him and started to worry that he might ghost. Around noon I texted him a picture of my lunch, again crickets. Finally in the late afternoon he texted me what had happened… during our date his wife had killed herself.
I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t believe him at first because I wanted to think him an asshole rather than accept the truth. When I did, my grief and guilt were overwhelming. I had briefly met his wife a few times and liked her, but I was surprised at how deeply I was mourning someone I barely knew. I checked in with John periodically to let him know I was thinking of him and wanted to help, but I gave him space and let him lead our communication. With his blessing, I went to the viewing and gave him a hug, which felt right, but also awkward and hard.
A few weeks have passed and he and I are texting almost every day. We are keeping it light, talking about our kids and how he’s making progress with paperwork and all the details of dealing with death. We’re both trying to avoid becoming too flirtatious, because that feels wrong right now, but it’s hard because we really like each other. If he and I were in an established relationship, like I am with my boyfriends, there would be no doubt in my mind what I would do if one of my metamours died. I’d be there to take care of them and provide physical touch, meals, and childcare. But this is different, John and I only had two (wonderful) dates, and it’s unclear what we are to each other. He said I’m special and he wants me in his life, but doesn’t know what that looks like just yet and wants to make decisions with a clear head. I’m happy to give him all the space and time he needs, but part of me is still crushing hard. I keep flashing back to our night together and feeling both joyful/randy and then guilty about those feelings. She died in the wee hours of the morning, right around the time we were having sex for the fourth time. I can’t think of our night without thinking what was going on with her at the exact same moment. Attempts at sex with my other partners keep ending with me in tears, it’s all tied up together for me which is hard because I am a very sexual person.
So I guess my question is, what’s appropriate here? People have a lot of opinions about when widows can find new love, but since we are polyam and started dating before she died I feel like I’m in a different situation. Like I said I’ve let him lead how much we communicate, but I find myself gazing longingly at his pictures and waiting for his texts. I’ve got it bad, and I feel terrible for having it bad. Regardless of what happens with us in the future I feel like we’re forever linked through this tragedy, which puts more weight onto our night together. I want to drive over to his house and hug him and cry and love him as much as he’ll let me, but I know that’s wrong and selfish. Advice appreciated for how I can tone down these intense feelings and if it’s even a good idea for us to ever be together.
I’m a polyamorous woman with a nesting partner and two serious boyfriends. About two months ago, I connected with John*, a polyam Dad who lives nearby. We had a fantastic first date where the conversation never faltered and we ended the night making out in his car like teenagers. We quickly scheduled the next date and decided he would sleep over since my husband would be staying with his girlfriend.
The week leading up to our overnight included lots of hot sexting and connective conversation. We both joked that we were guaranteed to be disappointed since our expectations were too high. But then a miracle happened: The sex was absolutely amazing and we did it five times, which is a lot even for me. Between sex we talked and laughed and gazed at each other in ways that felt like a beginning of something that could be really special. The next morning I was glowing with NRE and texting my friends about how I needed to tone down the feelz.
The morning after I didn’t hear from him and started to worry that he might ghost. Around noon I texted him a picture of my lunch, again crickets. Finally in the late afternoon he texted me what had happened… during our date his wife had killed herself.
I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t believe him at first because I wanted to think him an asshole rather than accept the truth. When I did, my grief and guilt were overwhelming. I had briefly met his wife a few times and liked her, but I was surprised at how deeply I was mourning someone I barely knew. I checked in with John periodically to let him know I was thinking of him and wanted to help, but I gave him space and let him lead our communication. With his blessing, I went to the viewing and gave him a hug, which felt right, but also awkward and hard.
A few weeks have passed and he and I are texting almost every day. We are keeping it light, talking about our kids and how he’s making progress with paperwork and all the details of dealing with death. We’re both trying to avoid becoming too flirtatious, because that feels wrong right now, but it’s hard because we really like each other. If he and I were in an established relationship, like I am with my boyfriends, there would be no doubt in my mind what I would do if one of my metamours died. I’d be there to take care of them and provide physical touch, meals, and childcare. But this is different, John and I only had two (wonderful) dates, and it’s unclear what we are to each other. He said I’m special and he wants me in his life, but doesn’t know what that looks like just yet and wants to make decisions with a clear head. I’m happy to give him all the space and time he needs, but part of me is still crushing hard. I keep flashing back to our night together and feeling both joyful/randy and then guilty about those feelings. She died in the wee hours of the morning, right around the time we were having sex for the fourth time. I can’t think of our night without thinking what was going on with her at the exact same moment. Attempts at sex with my other partners keep ending with me in tears, it’s all tied up together for me which is hard because I am a very sexual person.
So I guess my question is, what’s appropriate here? People have a lot of opinions about when widows can find new love, but since we are polyam and started dating before she died I feel like I’m in a different situation. Like I said I’ve let him lead how much we communicate, but I find myself gazing longingly at his pictures and waiting for his texts. I’ve got it bad, and I feel terrible for having it bad. Regardless of what happens with us in the future I feel like we’re forever linked through this tragedy, which puts more weight onto our night together. I want to drive over to his house and hug him and cry and love him as much as he’ll let me, but I know that’s wrong and selfish. Advice appreciated for how I can tone down these intense feelings and if it’s even a good idea for us to ever be together.