Advice needed: Metamour's death and aftermath

ravenmaid37

New member
CW: Suicide

I’m a polyamorous woman with a nesting partner and two serious boyfriends. About two months ago, I connected with John*, a polyam Dad who lives nearby. We had a fantastic first date where the conversation never faltered and we ended the night making out in his car like teenagers. We quickly scheduled the next date and decided he would sleep over since my husband would be staying with his girlfriend.

The week leading up to our overnight included lots of hot sexting and connective conversation. We both joked that we were guaranteed to be disappointed since our expectations were too high. But then a miracle happened: The sex was absolutely amazing and we did it five times, which is a lot even for me. Between sex we talked and laughed and gazed at each other in ways that felt like a beginning of something that could be really special. The next morning I was glowing with NRE and texting my friends about how I needed to tone down the feelz.

The morning after I didn’t hear from him and started to worry that he might ghost. Around noon I texted him a picture of my lunch, again crickets. Finally in the late afternoon he texted me what had happened… during our date his wife had killed herself.

I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t believe him at first because I wanted to think him an asshole rather than accept the truth. When I did, my grief and guilt were overwhelming. I had briefly met his wife a few times and liked her, but I was surprised at how deeply I was mourning someone I barely knew. I checked in with John periodically to let him know I was thinking of him and wanted to help, but I gave him space and let him lead our communication. With his blessing, I went to the viewing and gave him a hug, which felt right, but also awkward and hard.

A few weeks have passed and he and I are texting almost every day. We are keeping it light, talking about our kids and how he’s making progress with paperwork and all the details of dealing with death. We’re both trying to avoid becoming too flirtatious, because that feels wrong right now, but it’s hard because we really like each other. If he and I were in an established relationship, like I am with my boyfriends, there would be no doubt in my mind what I would do if one of my metamours died. I’d be there to take care of them and provide physical touch, meals, and childcare. But this is different, John and I only had two (wonderful) dates, and it’s unclear what we are to each other. He said I’m special and he wants me in his life, but doesn’t know what that looks like just yet and wants to make decisions with a clear head. I’m happy to give him all the space and time he needs, but part of me is still crushing hard. I keep flashing back to our night together and feeling both joyful/randy and then guilty about those feelings. She died in the wee hours of the morning, right around the time we were having sex for the fourth time. I can’t think of our night without thinking what was going on with her at the exact same moment. Attempts at sex with my other partners keep ending with me in tears, it’s all tied up together for me which is hard because I am a very sexual person.

So I guess my question is, what’s appropriate here? People have a lot of opinions about when widows can find new love, but since we are polyam and started dating before she died I feel like I’m in a different situation. Like I said I’ve let him lead how much we communicate, but I find myself gazing longingly at his pictures and waiting for his texts. I’ve got it bad, and I feel terrible for having it bad. Regardless of what happens with us in the future I feel like we’re forever linked through this tragedy, which puts more weight onto our night together. I want to drive over to his house and hug him and cry and love him as much as he’ll let me, but I know that’s wrong and selfish. Advice appreciated for how I can tone down these intense feelings and if it’s even a good idea for us to ever be together.
 
I can't give you advice on how to tone that down. I can give you some perspective from his side. My wife passed away a little over a year ago. She didn't kill herself, she had cancer. She was somewhat in denial and basically hid how sick she was. I felt tons of guilt once I figured out she had been suffering while I was out doing my thing and having fun. She didn't tell me (or anyone else) because she didn't want to worry anyone. Your guy must be feeling super guilty as well. He has to work through that at his own pace. If he needs you he will let you know.

We all handle grief differently. I found it very difficult to just jump back into things with my other partners. I even broke up with one because she was positioning herself to be my new nesting partner. Ugh. I had to break it off with another two because I decided I wasn't going to travel anymore. Needless to say, it had a huge impact on my life and those in my life. I even feel a little guilty about that. My other romantic partner basically switched to "friend mode" and has been incredible, not pushy at all. It sounds like you are kind of there now. Don't push for more. Just be there.

He'll get there at his own pace. It's been a year and a month for me and I'm only now getting slightly interested in entertaining the thought of having a relationship with someone. I can't say for sure if things would have been different if my other partners had been local to me here or not.
 
Thank you so much for your reply, and I'm so sorry about your wife. I'm happy to hear you're starting to feel more like yourself again.

He's said a few times that he's worried about hurting me and others since his moods and wants are all over the place, which I appreciate. I agree being in friend mode is the way to go right now, but it's hard because I know we both wanted more before this tragedy. We're going to see each other on Thursday, the first time since the viewing, and I'm nervous about how it will go. My instinct is to try and keep conversation light, especially since we're meeting in a public place, but there's so much I want to talk to him about, and things I need to know to help process my feelings, but again I don't want to put any demands on him (which is part of the reason I'm writing things out here instead). I've decided that if things take a turn towards the sexual I'm not going to pursue it, because I don't think either of us are ready for that even if he wants to.

Thanks again, I've found few online resources talking about polyam and death and needed an outside perspective.
 
Hang in there

My father was an alcoholic and an addict to many 'other things'. When I was 28 him, my Mother & I were discussing that addiction is a disease and he needed help. We wanted him to get healthy. It became a bit heated and he picked up his Glock 9mm and shot himself in the head as I sat less than 2ft away from him. It took me 3yrs of therapy to begin to understand that it was not my fault. It was not me arguing with him that pulled the trigger---it was him.
I feel for you, as this is a horrible situation but please know it's not your fault. She must have been depressed....or in a super dark place. There are many stages of grief and more when a suicide is involved. My advice is to just be! Just be and sit with every feeling that pops up. As for him he has a very long road ahead of him. Not sure the ages of the children but them too. My goodness my heart breaks for you and him and everyone involved. Be sure to take care of yourself as this will allow you to be 'available' for him as well. PLEASE keep us updated. You will be in my thoughts!
 
Argura calle

@Val76 I'm so sorry you had to experience something so terrible and it's wonderful that you have found ways to work though it. We all need to remind ourselves that these tragedies weren't our fault. I've replayed the events of the day over and over, feeling pain at the moments when we could have made different decisions that might have led to a different outcome. But both John's wife and your Dad are the ones who are responsible (though knowing that rationally and knowing that emotionally are two different things.) Thank you for thinking of me and his family, he says the kids are adjusting and all of them are in therapy so I know they are getting the help they need. I'm getting better at just letting myself feel the feelings as they come. Today has been hard for some reason but as the days pass I'm feeling more like myself again. Being polyam has also been a big help because my partners, metamours, and larger polycule have all been there for me.
 
You are still working through your stages of grief. What you described is bargaining. "If only we did this..." Perfectly normal.

I think it might be good for him (and you) if you guys talk through some of those feelings.
 
I'm so sorry to hear of her suicide.

I think giving John some space is the correct thing to do.

A few weeks have passed and he and I are texting almost every day. We are keeping it light, talking about our kids and how he’s making progress with paperwork and all the details of dealing with death. We’re both trying to avoid becoming too flirtatious, because that feels wrong right now, but it’s hard because we really like each other.

The intensity of your NRE/crush stuff? It will die down on its own with less contact with John. So if you want it to settle down? You could talk less with each other. Maybe check in once a week or once a month. Stop the daily text stuff.

Like I said I’ve let him lead how much we communicate, but I find myself gazing longingly at his pictures and waiting for his texts.

Because you let him lead? It ends up with daily contact. So you end up pining away. It's ok to talk less so you can pine away less. Talk to him and check in less often.

I’ve got it bad, and I feel terrible for having it bad. Regardless of what happens with us in the future I feel like we’re forever linked through this tragedy, which puts more weight onto our night together.

You may want to look up "survivor guilt" or "suicide survivor guilt" and take the time and space to digest all that.

I think if you guys want to be together eventually, that's fine. But I think right now? You both have some healing to do. And that healing might be better off done separately for now if trying to do it together (stirs up the NRE/pining away stuff) or it (makes your early relationship be all about death) and those things just add to the burdens.

I think dealing with "single loads" one at a time is easier than dealing with double loads or more all piled up.

Maybe it is better to part ways for now with an agreement to look each other up later down. And then do your healing separately. So when you DO come together again ... it can be an "untainted" fresh start.

It's up to you how you want to handle this. But to lessen the pining away part? To me something has to change in behavior.

  • You have to stop with the daily texts and reduce it to weekly or monthly.
  • Or you have stop with the daily texts and go "no contact" for a while.

Keeping up with daily texts will just keep you here in this place -- the pining away place. Which you don't seem to like.

Galagirl
 
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@GalaGirl

That is all excellent advice. I mentioned above I'm seeing him on Thursday for the first time since her viewing, so maybe then I'll suggest we tone it down a bit and my reasons why. What you said about trying to avoid the relationship being all about her death really resonates. If we end up together I want it to be because it's right for us not because we feel connected through this tragedy. I'm surprised at how deeply I care for him so early and feel a little silly, but distance will probably help tone it down until we're both in a better place. Thank you.
 
Hi ravenmaid37,

I don't have much advice, I just wanted to say that I'm very sorry this has happened. I guess my suggestion would be to just be there for John, in whatever way he needs. But you won't be able to meet all of his needs, you have to be aware of that. Continue to give him space and yes, maybe cut back on the texting. You're in a very difficult situation, I don't envy you. :(

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
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