CalamitousAce
New member
First time here, first poly relationship. Apologies in advance for the terribly long backstory.
My partner (“A”, male, pan) and I have been together almost two and a half years. He was and is my first love and first real relationship. I’ve had every first with him. In the beginning of our relationship, we talked about leaving it open to an extent as I was currently sexually unavailable and he is hyper sexual. Nothing really ever came of it. I talked to a few people but whenever he would get wind of it he never seemed comfortable with the idea Sinai would back off.
Flash forward a few months. He and I and my best friend (“M”, not in relationship) were drunk and all sharing my bed. He tries to make out with me, which I’m uncomfortable with since my friend is right there, so I turn over to go to sleep. Five minutes later the two of them are making out. I leave and walk around my apartment for a while before I come back and he notices I’m off. I ask to close the relationship because I had a lot of negative feelings about what had just happened. He agrees.
Later, this same friend gets a boyfriend (“C”) who has a girlfriend. M and the other girl (“K”) are not dating. A and I both kinda share a crush on K but don’t lursue anything. It isn’t until months later when M and C break up, and K and C break up. A gets back in touch with K. He lets me know their talking again, and wants us all to hang out. We do, and it’s fun. I think we’re all becoming friends again. I still think the relationship is closed.
One night we’re hanging out and I feel sick and spend most of the night in the bathroom. The next morning, A calls me anxious because of something that happened the night before, and tells me to ask him anything. Considering past experiences, I asked him if they kissed. He said yes, they made out. I’m obviously upset. He tries to lighten the mood by joking how I should try it too, how great she is, but it makes me feel worse.
The three of us talk. K had no idea I was not aware of the flirting that had been happening. We decide to all try dating since we all kind of like each other with the agreement everyone will communicate.
We’ve been dating for almost 8 months now. A and I are moving in together soon, and have essentially agreed to stay together indefinitely (we don’t believe in marriage, so next step down). My relationship with K is non sexual and pretty casual and I’ve been demosexual for a while and sex takes some time. A and K have been sleeping together since the beginning and had no problems making their relationship serious. They talk about also staying together indefinitely. My problems with commitment mean I don’t see this happening for me and K, despite their plans.
Recently, ive been unsure about my feelings for K. Did I only date her as to not ruin my relationship with A? I know I liked her at some point, but considering the beginning point of the whole relationship, I always feel like I have the lower hand. I feel like A initiated this physical intimacy without notifying me because I wasn’t enough, and now j never feel good next to k. He’s apologized so many times but I can’t let the feelings go.
I had to work so hard to get to where I am with A, and the two of them got it so easy. A often asks to leave hanging out with me to hang with K, sometimes when I’m sleeping and both of them are still awake, etc. I get that we see each other much more frequently, but even the one day a week we set aside for ourselves is interrupted. When A and K are together, I never hear from either of them. They forget to text or call because they’re having sex, leaving me freaking out. When I’m with A or K, they’re always texting each other. K has a third partner so when A and I are together, they can hang; but when A and K are together, I’m alone. Even with the three of us hang out, I’m the one usually ignored or (subconsciously) expected to make sacrifices.
They both assure me I’m not being pushed out of the relationship, but I certainly feel like I’m being taken for granted. I try to bring up issues as they arise but I’m so sensitive and it happens so frequently I can tell I’m frustrating them. I’m so afraid of ruining my relationship with A that, while I think I want to end my relationship with K, I can’t do it. I’m just so scared everything will end badly. And yet I can’t let this go in as it has been, I’m crying most days and want to throw up I’m so anxious.
I don’t know if there’s a question here. are these normal feelings for a first-time part of a poly triad? Are my insecurities so bad I shouldn’t be in a poly relationship? What do I do? I understand all of this has two sides, and I also feel I’m overreacting, but I’m really scared and don’t know how to approach this.
My partner (“A”, male, pan) and I have been together almost two and a half years. He was and is my first love and first real relationship. I’ve had every first with him. In the beginning of our relationship, we talked about leaving it open to an extent as I was currently sexually unavailable and he is hyper sexual. Nothing really ever came of it. I talked to a few people but whenever he would get wind of it he never seemed comfortable with the idea Sinai would back off.
Flash forward a few months. He and I and my best friend (“M”, not in relationship) were drunk and all sharing my bed. He tries to make out with me, which I’m uncomfortable with since my friend is right there, so I turn over to go to sleep. Five minutes later the two of them are making out. I leave and walk around my apartment for a while before I come back and he notices I’m off. I ask to close the relationship because I had a lot of negative feelings about what had just happened. He agrees.
Later, this same friend gets a boyfriend (“C”) who has a girlfriend. M and the other girl (“K”) are not dating. A and I both kinda share a crush on K but don’t lursue anything. It isn’t until months later when M and C break up, and K and C break up. A gets back in touch with K. He lets me know their talking again, and wants us all to hang out. We do, and it’s fun. I think we’re all becoming friends again. I still think the relationship is closed.
One night we’re hanging out and I feel sick and spend most of the night in the bathroom. The next morning, A calls me anxious because of something that happened the night before, and tells me to ask him anything. Considering past experiences, I asked him if they kissed. He said yes, they made out. I’m obviously upset. He tries to lighten the mood by joking how I should try it too, how great she is, but it makes me feel worse.
The three of us talk. K had no idea I was not aware of the flirting that had been happening. We decide to all try dating since we all kind of like each other with the agreement everyone will communicate.
We’ve been dating for almost 8 months now. A and I are moving in together soon, and have essentially agreed to stay together indefinitely (we don’t believe in marriage, so next step down). My relationship with K is non sexual and pretty casual and I’ve been demosexual for a while and sex takes some time. A and K have been sleeping together since the beginning and had no problems making their relationship serious. They talk about also staying together indefinitely. My problems with commitment mean I don’t see this happening for me and K, despite their plans.
Recently, ive been unsure about my feelings for K. Did I only date her as to not ruin my relationship with A? I know I liked her at some point, but considering the beginning point of the whole relationship, I always feel like I have the lower hand. I feel like A initiated this physical intimacy without notifying me because I wasn’t enough, and now j never feel good next to k. He’s apologized so many times but I can’t let the feelings go.
I had to work so hard to get to where I am with A, and the two of them got it so easy. A often asks to leave hanging out with me to hang with K, sometimes when I’m sleeping and both of them are still awake, etc. I get that we see each other much more frequently, but even the one day a week we set aside for ourselves is interrupted. When A and K are together, I never hear from either of them. They forget to text or call because they’re having sex, leaving me freaking out. When I’m with A or K, they’re always texting each other. K has a third partner so when A and I are together, they can hang; but when A and K are together, I’m alone. Even with the three of us hang out, I’m the one usually ignored or (subconsciously) expected to make sacrifices.
They both assure me I’m not being pushed out of the relationship, but I certainly feel like I’m being taken for granted. I try to bring up issues as they arise but I’m so sensitive and it happens so frequently I can tell I’m frustrating them. I’m so afraid of ruining my relationship with A that, while I think I want to end my relationship with K, I can’t do it. I’m just so scared everything will end badly. And yet I can’t let this go in as it has been, I’m crying most days and want to throw up I’m so anxious.
I don’t know if there’s a question here. are these normal feelings for a first-time part of a poly triad? Are my insecurities so bad I shouldn’t be in a poly relationship? What do I do? I understand all of this has two sides, and I also feel I’m overreacting, but I’m really scared and don’t know how to approach this.