First time feelings: help wanted?

CalamitousAce

New member
First time here, first poly relationship. Apologies in advance for the terribly long backstory.

My partner (“A”, male, pan) and I have been together almost two and a half years. He was and is my first love and first real relationship. I’ve had every first with him. In the beginning of our relationship, we talked about leaving it open to an extent as I was currently sexually unavailable and he is hyper sexual. Nothing really ever came of it. I talked to a few people but whenever he would get wind of it he never seemed comfortable with the idea Sinai would back off.

Flash forward a few months. He and I and my best friend (“M”, not in relationship) were drunk and all sharing my bed. He tries to make out with me, which I’m uncomfortable with since my friend is right there, so I turn over to go to sleep. Five minutes later the two of them are making out. I leave and walk around my apartment for a while before I come back and he notices I’m off. I ask to close the relationship because I had a lot of negative feelings about what had just happened. He agrees.

Later, this same friend gets a boyfriend (“C”) who has a girlfriend. M and the other girl (“K”) are not dating. A and I both kinda share a crush on K but don’t lursue anything. It isn’t until months later when M and C break up, and K and C break up. A gets back in touch with K. He lets me know their talking again, and wants us all to hang out. We do, and it’s fun. I think we’re all becoming friends again. I still think the relationship is closed.

One night we’re hanging out and I feel sick and spend most of the night in the bathroom. The next morning, A calls me anxious because of something that happened the night before, and tells me to ask him anything. Considering past experiences, I asked him if they kissed. He said yes, they made out. I’m obviously upset. He tries to lighten the mood by joking how I should try it too, how great she is, but it makes me feel worse.

The three of us talk. K had no idea I was not aware of the flirting that had been happening. We decide to all try dating since we all kind of like each other with the agreement everyone will communicate.

We’ve been dating for almost 8 months now. A and I are moving in together soon, and have essentially agreed to stay together indefinitely (we don’t believe in marriage, so next step down). My relationship with K is non sexual and pretty casual and I’ve been demosexual for a while and sex takes some time. A and K have been sleeping together since the beginning and had no problems making their relationship serious. They talk about also staying together indefinitely. My problems with commitment mean I don’t see this happening for me and K, despite their plans.

Recently, ive been unsure about my feelings for K. Did I only date her as to not ruin my relationship with A? I know I liked her at some point, but considering the beginning point of the whole relationship, I always feel like I have the lower hand. I feel like A initiated this physical intimacy without notifying me because I wasn’t enough, and now j never feel good next to k. He’s apologized so many times but I can’t let the feelings go.

I had to work so hard to get to where I am with A, and the two of them got it so easy. A often asks to leave hanging out with me to hang with K, sometimes when I’m sleeping and both of them are still awake, etc. I get that we see each other much more frequently, but even the one day a week we set aside for ourselves is interrupted. When A and K are together, I never hear from either of them. They forget to text or call because they’re having sex, leaving me freaking out. When I’m with A or K, they’re always texting each other. K has a third partner so when A and I are together, they can hang; but when A and K are together, I’m alone. Even with the three of us hang out, I’m the one usually ignored or (subconsciously) expected to make sacrifices.

They both assure me I’m not being pushed out of the relationship, but I certainly feel like I’m being taken for granted. I try to bring up issues as they arise but I’m so sensitive and it happens so frequently I can tell I’m frustrating them. I’m so afraid of ruining my relationship with A that, while I think I want to end my relationship with K, I can’t do it. I’m just so scared everything will end badly. And yet I can’t let this go in as it has been, I’m crying most days and want to throw up I’m so anxious.

I don’t know if there’s a question here. are these normal feelings for a first-time part of a poly triad? Are my insecurities so bad I shouldn’t be in a poly relationship? What do I do? I understand all of this has two sides, and I also feel I’m overreacting, but I’m really scared and don’t know how to approach this.
 
Sorry, but I'm a little confused with all the letters, so I guess you are too. I'm a real newbie as well, so I don't have any experience advice just my own feelings. I'm also with my first partner, and we've recently opened.

I don't think that just because you're finding things difficult it means you should break things off, I think getting through tough times make relationships so much deeper. That said, something sticks out in your post that we've been talking about recently. I also have the thought, I don't want this to ever end, and coming to realise that what I actually mean is I want this to continue for as long as it can with it being good for us, that doesn't mean all the time, but overall some net benefit to our lives. There's a subtle difference where you value the quality rather than the length of the relationship.

I think logically, if they are sleeping at different times to you then that's the perfect time for them to hang out, even if maybe you wake up and A isn't there. It's hard to get the logical side of your brain to stand up to the emotional side though.

I can relate to the texting thing, my partner (very) recently started something with another guy and I felt like she would text him lots when she's with me, but then I couldn't get through to her when she's away. I guess I reasoned to myself there, that the weird thing is that we expect to be able to contact each other at any time, maybe poly before wifi was easier? It also made me consider why I have that expectation, and maybe I don't need to be constantly checking myself for any contact either.

Is changing into a V that much of a problem, it seems like theres much not going on with you and K anyway?

Lastly, for now, if you are having real emotional problems with this, and talking to them about it (talking, not shouting and blaming and all the other bad things...) then even if they feel slightly frustrated at first, they shouldn't blame you. If they do, then that's their problem, you are with them and so it is their job to help you, just as it is yours to help them. :)
 
Hello CalamitousAce,

It sounds like A and K are all caught up NRE with each other, and as a result are oblivious to your needs. Not that they couldn't be more aware, but it would take a conscious effort on their part, and they would have to be the ones who decide they'll make that effort. And you can tell them this, but they might not believe you. Their NRE blinders are on pretty tight.

I am thinking that what you need most is more private time with A, just you and him, without K around. It doesn't help when A is with you but is texting K. Your time with A should be all about just you and him, without distractions. These are things you should probably tell A. Right now you are getting one day a week with A. I am thinking you need more than that. So, more days per week (at least two), and no phone/texting interruptions during those days. I would say that to A, and see what he says.

I know you don't want to break up with A, but I suggest holding it in your mind as a remote possibility. The NRE should wear off after awhile, so if nothing else, things should improve at that point. What's unacceptable is if this is going to be the situation you are stuck in permanently. How long do you want to go on like this? How much is too much? a year? ten years? fifty?

For the most part I think you are just venting here, so, no need to make any big decisions yet. Keep your chin up and focus on the positive. I'm sure A has many very good traits that make him worthwhile as a partner, even with all this NRE stuff. Stay with him for awhile and see if you can work things out.

Wishing you the best of good fortune,
Kevin T.
 
Hey all, just as an update;

I definitely posted this from a place of extreme distress. I'm a few days away from the situation that triggered it and have a much clearer head about the situation at large.

Nomad, thanks for your reply. It's always comforting to hear from someone who knows a similar situation!

Kevin, while I didn't specify, I do actually see A probably 5 or 6 days out of the week, which is why the decision to move in together was made.

To both of you, A started a conversation today about these similar things and we talked them out. He's not always great at communicating his feelings constantly as they arise (which is fine), but I always get paranoid in between these conversations. However, we both have similar feelings about the relationship, and while we're hesitant to put any labels on it, we seem to naturally fall into a hierarchical structural; A and I are financially entangled, etc. as primaries would be while our relationships with K, while important, do not follow the same model (I never liked the term 'secondary' but it's the closest description I can find). So, we never plan to move in with K or combine bank accounts or anything, but she's still important in our lives for now and the foreseeable future.

I stressed I don't know my future with K, while he seems to want it to last long-term, and he's okay with that. First and foremost, we know that whatever happens between the three of us, the two of us plan to stay together (like Nomad said) for as long as it is beneficial to both of us. Even before we tried poly, our relationship was based on communication and therefore we hope to solve problems so that the relationship is always mutually beneficial. We know this isn't always a definite possibility, but we would still like to try!

So thanks again for your words of advice, they still helped me in my time of need and pushed me to start going back to therapy, as the particular situation that sparked the above showed me I need to get a better handle on my emotional awareness and management. So again, I thank you!
 
Ah, that does clear things up a bit more. Thanks for that update, I'm glad you and A were able to talk some things out.
 
Back
Top