A bad case of Mono(gamy)

Lordvoldemort

New member
Hey yall, my girlfriend (23 bi) and I (30 straight) have been dating for close to 6 months (although we've known each other for a year) and about 3 months ago she suggested an open relationship. I have never been involved in one and I've only ever been in monogamous relationships so the idea scared me. What scared me at first was my immediate feelings of insecurity and jealousy (both of which I'm am currently working on both in and outside of the relationship). With the help of some podcasts and a very close friend, I'm starting to come around to the idea but the insecurity is something that's not completely gone away. We love each other alot and can see a future with each other but I don't want to walk away from a relationship with a great person just because i feel like I cant handle it without giving this a chance. Has anyone felt a similar way and overcame it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated
 
It can easily take a year (sometimes more) for a formerly mono couple to make the adjustment to Opening Up. It's nothing to be taken lightly, nothing to try without doing research and having lots of talks.

Jealousy and insecurity are extremely common, in the mono partner. And also, if you eventually decided to also date, your poly gf might feel the same feelings of jealousy and insecurity, at least for a while!

I'm sure others will be by to concur with me and offer experiences. Meanwhile I'd recommend the morethantwo.com site, a book by the same name, and a book called Opening Up.

Polyamory is a relatively new concept. Most of us were raised with only monogamous examples in front of us, in our families, friends, media, etc. We are raised to think exclusivity means commitment, and non-exclusivity means causal, or means the end of a relationship. In poly, this is not so. It can be hard to wrap our heads around that!
 
It can easily take a year (sometimes more) for a formerly mono couple to make the adjustment to Opening Up. It's nothing to be taken lightly, nothing to try without doing research and having lots of talks.

Jealousy and insecurity are extremely common, in the mono partner. And also, if you eventually decided to also date, your poly gf might feel the same feelings of jealousy and insecurity, at least for a while!

I'm sure others will be by to concur with me and offer experiences. Meanwhile I'd recommend the morethantwo.com site, a book by the same name, and a book called Opening Up.

Polyamory is a relatively new concept. Most of us were raised with only monogamous examples in front of us, in our families, friends, media, etc. We are raised to think exclusivity means commitment, and non-exclusivity means causal, or means the end of a relationship. In poly, this is not so. It can be hard to wrap our heads around that!

Thank you for your time and understanding :) I'll definitely get those books too. Its actually pretty relieving to hear that many people experienced the same thing.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling. FWIW -- it is normal.

Hey yall, my girlfriend (23 bi) and I (30 straight) have been dating for close to 6 months (although we've known each other for a year) and about 3 months ago she suggested an open relationship.

This part confuses me. Could you clarify? After dating for only 3 mos, were you guys "going steady" already? And then she wanted to practice Open relationship? :confused:

I have never been involved in one and I've only ever been in monogamous relationships so the idea scared me. What scared me at first was my immediate feelings of insecurity and jealousy (both of which I'm am currently working on both in and outside of the relationship).

It's ok to be scared or nervous if you've never participated in open relationship.

It's also ok to say "No, thanks. I don't want to do that."

What open model(s) have you discussed? Which one is she suggesting?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

Sometimes it takes couples years to decide to Open. Be ok reading, learning, and taking your time. Do not allow a partner to railroad you into stuff you do not want. (Not say she is, just saying... go slow and do not rush.)

With the help of some podcasts and a very close friend, I'm starting to come around to the idea but the insecurity is something that's not completely gone away.

What are you not feeling good about? Maybe it helps to list it?

We love each other a lot and can see a future with each other but I don't want to walk away from a relationship with a great person just because i feel like I cant handle it without giving this a chance.

Not everything in dating has to be "given a chance" for you to know you would not be into it.

If the great person was

  • into travel and you are a homebody or vice versa...
  • big into sporting events and you hate sports or vice versa...
  • wanted to be a rancher or farmer and live in the country and you are a city person or vice versa...
  • wants to be child free and you want kids or vice versa...
  • wants poly and you def want mono or vice versa...

sometimes these things are deal breakers. Neither person is bad for wanting them. Just not enough in common or want different things in life. There is an initial compatibility, but no. Not enough for deep compatibility. That is what the dating process is FOR. To learn about each other and find the compatible ones.

I think it is natural and normal to still be learning about each other 6 mos in.

But don't jump into doing open relationships if that's not something you groove on. Examine your own heart and if this is NOT for you? Own it.

If the insecure/instability feelings are because you are tempted to stray from what YOU value, and you are thinking about bending yourself into pretzels just to stay with her and avoid a break up? Then perhaps you need to listen to what the feelings are trying to tell you.

If the insecure/instability feelings are because this is a strange new concept? Then perhaps you quell them through education. Here are some links.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

https://www.morethantwo.com/

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Take your time learning about it before you agree to do it. If you agree to try it on, try for X amount of time and then reassess if you want to keep going with it. Sometimes a person is WILLING to try, but then discovers they are not ABLE because it's not their thing, or yes to poly but not with THIS person, or THIS open model, etc.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hello Lordvoldemort,
Here are some links for jealousy and insecurity ...

Also there are a few books.

  • "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
  • "Polyamory and Jealousy: a More than Two essentials guide," by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.
  • "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss.
When your girlfriend says open relationship, I take it she means open for both of you? Is this a mono/poly relationship where she is poly but you are mono? I have links for that too if that would help, let me know if you'd like me to post them.

It sounds like you really want to be okay with this, hopefully if you take it slow (and one little step at a time), you will be able to work it out. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with the gist of GG's post but also wanted to point out that people do change, so you have to weigh, not just a different perspective, but how IMPORTANT that identifier is.

If the great person was

  • into travel and you are a homebody or vice versa...
  • big into sporting events and you hate sports or vice versa...
  • wanted to be a rancher or farmer and live in the country and you are a city person or vice versa...
  • wants to be child free and you want kids or vice versa...
  • wants poly and you def want mono or vice versa...

sometimes these things are deal breakers. Neither person is bad for wanting them. Just not enough in common or want different things in life. There is an initial compatibility, but no. Not enough for deep compatibility. That is what the dating process is FOR. To learn about each other and find the compatible ones.

I think it is natural and normal to still be learning about each other 6 mos in.

For instance, I kinda thought that if I was in a serious long-term relationship, then I would want kids. (My parents were awesome so I felt I had a lot of insight to offer.)

MrS was initially anti-kids, because he was of the opinion that parents fuck kids up and he didn't want to be responsible for doing that to someone.

It was not a dealbreaker for either of us. He came around to the "having kids" side and then...it didn't happen. Which is also OK - now a lot of avenues are open to us (travel, retirement, etc.) that would have been more difficult with children.

For a few of the other examples GG gives - city/country, sports/no sports, travel/stay home - one of the benefits that I see of poly is that you can have a "person" for the things that your other partner is not interested in. I see this in friendships ALL of the time - if SLeW wants to talk about hair/makeup/fashion - I am NOT the friend for that. If she wants to talk about finances, psychology, medical shit - THAT is the friend that I am. You have different friends for different reasons. You can have different partners for different reasons, too!
 
Last edited:
I agree with the gist of GG's post but also wanted to point out that people do change, so you have to weigh, not just a different perspective, but how IMPORTANT that identifier is.



For instance, I kinda thought that if I was in a serious long-term relationship, then I would want kids. (My parents were awesome so I felt I had a lot of insight to offer.)

MrS was initially anti-kids, because he was of the opinion that parents fuck kids up and he didn't want to be responsible for doing that to someone.

It was not a dealbreaker for either of us. He came around to the "having kids" side and then...it didn't happen. Which is also OK - now a lot of avenues are open to us (travel, retirement, etc.) that would have been more difficult with children.

For a few of the other examples GG gives - city/country, sports/no sports, travel/stay home - one of the benefits that I see of poly is that you can have a "person" for the things that your other partner is not interested in. I see this in friendships ALL of the time - if SLeW wants to talk about hair/makeup/fashion - I am NOT the friend for that. If she wants to talk about finances, psychology, medical shit - THAT is the friend that I am. You have different friends for different reasons. You can have different partners for different reasons, too!

I agree with you, BUT...

Societal conditioning dictates that we "try to make it work" because that may be our one chance to have the One Partner that we are supposed to have. We have to be careful to not compromise ourselves too much.

Poly can be a great way to spread your interests among several people, but you have to want poly for you, not a partner.
 
Back
Top