I'm sorry you are struggling. FWIW -- it is normal.
Hey yall, my girlfriend (23 bi) and I (30 straight) have been dating for close to 6 months (although we've known each other for a year) and about 3 months ago she suggested an open relationship.
This part confuses me. Could you clarify? After dating for only 3 mos, were you guys "going steady" already? And then she wanted to practice Open relationship?
I have never been involved in one and I've only ever been in monogamous relationships so the idea scared me. What scared me at first was my immediate feelings of insecurity and jealousy (both of which I'm am currently working on both in and outside of the relationship).
It's ok to be scared or nervous if you've never participated in open relationship.
It's also ok to say "No, thanks. I don't want to do that."
What open model(s) have you discussed? Which one is she suggesting?
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships
Sometimes it takes couples years to decide to Open. Be ok reading, learning, and taking your time. Do not allow a partner to railroad you into stuff you do not want. (Not say she is, just saying... go slow and do not rush.)
With the help of some podcasts and a very close friend, I'm starting to come around to the idea but the insecurity is something that's not completely gone away.
What are you not feeling good about? Maybe it helps to list it?
We love each other a lot and can see a future with each other but I don't want to walk away from a relationship with a great person just because i feel like I cant handle it without giving this a chance.
Not everything in dating has to be "given a chance" for you to know you would not be into it.
If the great person was
- into travel and you are a homebody or vice versa...
- big into sporting events and you hate sports or vice versa...
- wanted to be a rancher or farmer and live in the country and you are a city person or vice versa...
- wants to be child free and you want kids or vice versa...
- wants poly and you def want mono or vice versa...
sometimes these things are deal breakers. Neither person is bad for wanting them. Just not enough in common or want different things in life. There is an initial compatibility, but no. Not enough for
deep compatibility. That is what the dating process is FOR. To learn about each other and find the compatible ones.
I think it is natural and normal to still be learning about each other 6 mos in.
But don't jump into doing open relationships if that's not something you groove on. Examine your own heart and if this is NOT for you? Own it.
If the insecure/instability feelings are because you are tempted to stray from what YOU value, and you are thinking about bending yourself into pretzels just to stay with her and avoid a break up? Then perhaps you need to listen to what the feelings are trying to tell you.
If the insecure/instability feelings are because this is a strange new concept? Then perhaps you quell them through education. Here are some links.
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
https://www.morethantwo.com/
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
Take your time learning about it before you agree to do it. If you agree to try it on, try for X amount of time and then reassess if you want to keep going with it. Sometimes a person is WILLING to try, but then discovers they are not ABLE because it's not their thing, or yes to poly but not with THIS person, or THIS open model, etc.
Galagirl