River's Random Reflections

River

Active member
To reflect, according to one of its multiple dictionary definitions, is … "to think, meditate, or ponder."

You're invited to listen in as do just that. And if you want you can comment on my reflections or ask questions.

I'm going to give myself a very expansive space in which to reflect on many things, but these reflections always have polyamory and loving, human relationships as their guiding inquiry -- even when I wander far afield from that being obvious.

Welcome.
 
My partner of many years is Kevin. Sometimes I call him K in here. Or I call him my longtime sweetheart. Or other names like that. But he's Kevin. There's no need to conceal his identity with something like a K. But I may use K now and then, just because.

Sometimes I'm reluctant to share something with Kevin, a hurt or disappointment, a request, a suggestion, an idea..., because he has often thought my sharings of this kind come with more emotional force (e.g., disappointment, hurt, anger, resentment...) than they actually have at that moment. He'll say something like "Why are you making such a big deal about such a little thing?" and I'll wonder what the heck is going on that he thinks I'm making a big deal about it to begin with.

My idea is that things are far less apt to become a big deal if they are shared and talked about, acknowledged, said, prior to them becoming a big deal. They can be a really little deal, a not-such-a-big-thing, and I can point them out and/or make a suggestion long, long before the thing grows up into big dealness.

But he, like I, grew up in a formative situation and ours were different. And the way we moved on from our formative situation (childhood family environment) is different. And the pattern he set up with other people he was close to, prior to me coming into his life, was different than my pattern. Maybe his former loves and partners never said anything about little deal until it was such a big deal that they exploded the damn thing at him with such ferocity that it blew a gasket? And so when I mention a little deal "Could you please do X instead of Y" with the utensils in the kitchen?" he hears it as a cannon blast when I delivered the request almost like a whisper -- in terms of emotional force.

All of this loving business is so challenging, 'cause we all have hurt places which distort our ability to perceive accurately what's really going on at the moment. We have all got to take a pause, sometimes, and to reflect, carefully, before we go into reaction.

The three R's today are: Relax, Reconsider, Respond (instead of React).

Until next time...,

River
 
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