Vicki's Journey Continues...

...my life is pretty amazing right now! I am so lucky. I know I've been saying that a lot lately too but sometimes I feel like I need to give myself a pinch, that this is too good to be true.

Yay!

I had a "Luckiest-Girl-Ever" moment this morning myself. :D Sometimes I get so caught up with work and life that I am just sailing along on comfortable auto-pilot. But when I stop and take a minute to look around, I still get swept away by how incredible fortunate I am! So MUCH love and support and friendship in my life. Sure, giddy NRE doesn't last forever, but established love can infuse that "golden glow" time after time after time.:rolleyes:
 
I'm so glad things are going well for you, Jane! Yeah, I think both NRE and ERI (or whatever it's called) have their plusses and minuses. I wouldn't mind dropping the insecurities and anxiety and getting more into the comfortable stage but I also don't want to lose the shivers and chills when we touch and I know that'll happen.

There was a neat article written on Fetlife recently so I can't link to it, but it talks about why we pretty ourselves up for new people and not as much for old partners and links it to insecurity and discomfort feeling vulnerable rather than the idea that the new is more important. That actually makes a lot of sense to me and was rather timely because when Charles cancelled on Tuesday I didn't want to bother shaving my legs and then when he said he was coming after all, just late, that I rushed to go do it! I don't always shave for Henry because he couldn't care less and I don't mind him seeing me with man-legs :p Not sure I'm ready for Charles to see me like that!

We did have some really good talks yesterday though. It was date night at his place, and he made me a delicious dinner, shanghai noodles in peanut sauce. I don't get to eat peanuts much because both Henry and my son are deathly allergic to them, so it was definitely a treat for me.

Then we pretty much spent the evening in his bed, talking and snuggling and having sex. The conversations were so good though. I think I feel a lot more secure than I did even a month ago. I still don't know what the future will hold and if this relationship has what it takes to be a long term runner, but I'm trying not to worry about that. For now, it's good, and we're both happy and in love. I'll take that :)

I just wish he had a bigger bed! He's only got a double, and his room is so small that I doubt a larger bed would fit. But I tend to move around at night and I don't think we could sleep well together in it. I've got a king size bed and I like having my space at night. It's a wee bit frustrating to have to call a cab home late at night when I'm exhausted because I can't stay there.
 
All her articles are here too - https://poly.land/2019/02/21/why-dont-you-shave-your-legs-for-me-anymore/.

For me, I’m much MORE willing at this point to let Artist see me without makeup or in clothes that aren’t “sexy”, although I do try to shave because, well, I KNOW if I see him we’re having sex and I don’t like unshaven sex as much from the point of view of disliking the feel of someone touching stubble. (I always feel like a bad feminist because I am pretty dedicated to keeping everything from the eyebrows down hairless, but it’s not about the patriarchy or beauty expectations, it’s about wanting to be touched. Possibly if I could let it grow long enough to get soft that’d change, but after 24 years shaving I don’t think that’s gonna be a thing.)d
 
Thanks icesong- I didn't know she had her posts off Fetlife! I don't know that I see body hair being a feminism kinda thing, personally. I prefer my husband when he shaves his face stubble so it doesn't hurt my face. My boyfriend likes some aspects of crossdressing and he keeps his legs shaved so they feel smooth and nice too. Hair is fine long or it's fine shaved but it's awful in between!

In the winter if I'm not dating anyone other than my husband I don't usually shave all that often, so it does get soft. My legs look kinda weird to me then but it saves on razors and he doesn't mind so I just leave it wild.

Things are low key but good, and I think that's probably a really good thing. That means it's how life is right now :)

Charles and I still have our dedicated date night once a week and try to squeeze one in on the weekend but it seems to be about half the time now. He keeps really busy! I wonder how often mono people normally see their partners? I'm getting the impression that poly would be tough in general for Charles because I don't know where he'd fit in the extra date time!

On the plus side, he's been sending me sweet texts and telling me how much he misses me and can't wait to see me. That certainly helps a woman's ego!

Henry and I were talking the other day and he let me know it's fine whenever Charles wants to stay over after date night. He has the past three or four weeks but there always seemed to be circumstances. This time there wasn't really any but he says he doesn't mind if it's a regular thing. I appreciate that!

It really does suck going home late at night. And if we can't sleep together at Charles' place because his room won't allow for a larger bed, then at least we can sleep together at mine.

Henry and Charles are still getting along well too which is awesome. I like that they are friends outside of me, that they genuinely like each other. Although Henry says it looks like I have a type because they are very similar in a lot of ways. I remind him that he was way outside my usual type so who knows! The two of them went to a submissives discussion group a few days ago and it was good for both of them. Honestly, I wish I could go- the topics they pick are pretty awesome! But it's only for the right side of the slash so instead I just ask for a recap when Henry comes home.

Last night was nothing special, and I guess I'm enjoying that a little. Charles came over after work, Henry had made a delicious dinner and then he went off to his maker space for the weekly event. We played board games with the small human (Nuclear War) and then a game of Codenames Duet together. We won but I think I need to practice giving clues!

We did some BDSM play which was a lot of fun, had some great sex, and then went to sit in the hot tub. It was such a beautiful night, clear so we could see the stars and cold enough so we could really crank the hot tub and enjoy the contrast. It's my favourite place for conversation other than bed.

But that really zapped my energy! I normally have a 40-60 min sleep latency due to my disorders (which is awful but what can you do) and I was so tired I was starting to slur my words a little so we went to bed and I was out like a light. That was a pleasant surprise!

When we were all snuggled up together before I turned off the light, he told me that I'm wonderful. It just felt so good. I swear I feel like I have to pinch myself because things just can't be going this well. Now if my ex husband wasn't such an ass and my health improved, I'd think I was actually dead and in heaven or else asleep.

Weight loss is still going well, I'm down another 2lbs this week for a total of 27.6lbs. It's slower than before but I'm also much more sedentary than before so it makes sense.

I made this super delicious lunch from one of those meal delivery services where they send you recipes and ingredients and you cook it yourself. We were given a free box as a referral from a friend. I'm not going to keep the subscription because it's just stupid expensive compared to what my grocery budget is (I'm a crazy couponer) but the food we got this time was great and I think this is going to become a regular lunch! Quick and easy.

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Seared Mediterranean chicken with orzo, goat cheese, and vegetables. OMG delicious and healthy too.
 
Feeling kinda down today. Kiddo is with my ex husband for his fake wedding which is really irking me. I think it's just plain rude to have a destination "wedding" and not tell your guests that it's a vow renewal and not an actual wedding. Kiddo knows they got legally married in December 2017 and was very hurt that he wasn't invited to it. They wanted him to come to this big party though. I wonder what will happen if he accidentally lets it slip that it's not a legal wedding. Hopefully my ex won't gaslight him to avoid losing face.

Kiddo was all mixed up about going. He wanted to and didn't want to. Ultimately, he didn't really have a choice though because of the timing. Our separation agreement says that my ex is entitled to every other March Break and if he misses one that he has right of refusal on the next. Well, he's never taken Kiddo for a March Break since he barely sees him anyway, so it would have been difficult to avoid trouble if I'd said no to this, notwithstanding the fake special occasion.

Kiddo has been texting me all morning though about how he's not having fun. It breaks my heart. It's an evening party too and that's going to be doubly hard on Kiddo because he needs his sleep and they don't really seem to worry about that.

I had planned to throw a house party tonight so that I'd have a bit of a distraction and not sitting home and brooding about Kiddo, but the forecast is for freezing rain tonight and most of the party guests cancelled so Henry and I just decided to postpone. We had already started making the food though which sucks.

He suggested I just have a date night with Charles, who was supposed to be coming to the party anyway. But then Charles texted me and says he's sick and since Henry is immunocompromised, I have to be really careful about germs because even a little cold can mess him up for weeks. So date night tonight and our regular Tuesday night is cancelled.

I know it's not reasonable but I'm feeling a little sad and sulky right now. Henry and I are still going to have a nice dinner tonight since the food is cooking, but we're both feeling off now so who knows what we'll do after that. It feels like such a waste of our very limited childfree time.
 
One of the things I hate about having a chronic illness is that I can be doing so well and then it's like the boom slaps down to remind me that this is just temporary and no, I can't forget that I'm sick and it's not going anywhere.

This past week has been really tough. My sleep has been erratic and poor so I've been irritable and out of sorts and not able to get much done.

Kiddo is back though, so that's good at least.

I haven't seen much of Charles the past two weeks since he was sick. We did get together for our regular date night this past week but then he had so much stuff to catch up on that we weren't able to fit in a weekend date as well like we usually do. I'm feeling a little whiny about it but not much to be done.

On the plus side though, when Charles came over and Henry made dinner like he usually does, I had picked out something special from the Goodfood meal service and so I got to have the most amazing dinner with both my men. We had scallops St Jacques over gnocchi- way off my weight loss plan but worth every bite. And we opened a bottle of my favourite Cakebread chardonnay to go with it. OMG. But talk about pretty awesome kitchen table poly moments, anyway.

I'm just feeling kind of distant and miserable in general. Henry and I did have some good times while we were kidfree. Some great sex, a road trip, and then just a pretty good balance between what we wanted to do and what we needed to do. There's just never enough time though.

At least the weight loss continues to go well. I am down nearly 32lbs now. Still a long way to go, but given that I'm not following my program exactly and still incorporating deliciousness like those scallops, that's a pretty solid loss and I'm happy with it.
 
I guess I haven't been writing as much because things have just been swimming along pretty smoothly. I've also been pretty focused on writing in my weight loss blog and providing assistance to other people online who are following Nutrisystem, so that's had a bunch of my attention. I've also been busy working on decluttering and purging and reorganizing my house so that we can start some badly needed renovations. It hasn't been painted since it was built in 1997 and the carpet is builder standard. Half my kitchen cupboards won't close and I have drawers that won't open. But until we get rid of this clutter... I'm not just moving it around :p It's taking so much of my energy and I haven't had much lately.

Henry and I went to a BDSM party last night and had a lovely time. We wound up co-topping a friend of ours who is a great bottom to play with. Henry doesn't often get a chance to top, so it was interesting and a little different. But I feel like I can honestly say that the two of us are a great team, pretty much whatever we're doing. It felt pretty good to be outside our conventional lines and still be having a wonderful time.

Things are going well with Charles, too. He asked me recently if I wanted to celebrate our anniversary, which is coming up in a few months, and I do. I think a year is something noteworthy, and I also kinda want to do something special and fun. Charles and I don't really get blocks of time together, and I'm kind of hankering for that. It's been triggering some self examination, actually.

We've been dating for a while ish now and I just still feel like it's new. Not necessarily in terms of NRE, although there's still that. More like I just don't know him as well as I'd like. I know that there are many parts of me I'm still not comfortable sharing with him the way I am with my husband, and I still feel anxiety over him deciding I'm not worth it or we just don't click or anything, and I don't trust him enough to let go all the way yet. I can't really remember at what point I was like that with my other partners, or if it even matters because I really am getting reinforcement that each relationship is different and will pick its own path. But the result remains that I really do want that closeness with him... and part of me is worried that something is wrong that I don't have it yet. I don't know if it's that we don't spend enough time together for what I want, or if we just need more longevity or I don't know? But it's something I've been thinking about.

Either way, I want to do something extravagant and fun for our anniversary that will give us a block of time together where we don't have to worry about time or responsibilities or anything but enjoying each other. I know that's not really reality either... and maybe it's more poly bubble stuff? But I want it anyway :p

I don't really know yet. I kind of want to go on a little bit of a vacation but I don't know if it will fly with budgeting. But I'm enjoying the flight of fancy anyway (and the bad pun!).

My wedding anniversary with Henry is coming up next month as well and we've made plans that are somewhat low key but meaningful. We don't want to do anything big because next year there is a family trip we're both saving up for. But I think our plans are lovely and we'll enjoy them anyway. We're going to get the same food and dessert we had at our wedding, have that with a bottle of Dom Perignon we got as a wedding gift, and just enjoy ourselves together.

Sometimes I really think I do have to pinch myself to have two such wonderful men in my life!
 
I've been really exhausted lately for no particular reason. I suspect it's just the usual cycle of how my sleep disorders work, but it sucks. It's just frustrating since I'm already taking stimulant medication and I kinda thought it would work better as I lost weight, but apparently not. I know the dose isn't too high, but it seems like these exhaustion cycles just can't be helped.

Charles and I did indeed book a trip, so I am extremely excited about that. We are spending 7 days in the Dominican Republic in June! Charles hasn't really traveled much at all since he was a kid, and so hopefully he will get bitten by the bug. I love to travel but finances don't permit it the way they used to when I was still married to my ex husband. We got a fabulous deal though and I can't wait.
 
I think I'm starting to feel more relaxed about things with Charles, which is nice. I am starting to just enjoy hanging out and chatting and being a little more myself.

It's just funny because I don't think of myself as not being fully me- I tend to think of myself as generally being a very open and forward person. But it's taken this relationship to show me that I do keep quite a lot of me in reserve. I think the only person who really sees all of me is Henry, and that's because I've come to trust that I can show him all of me and it will be OK. I know it's only been not quite five years together, but he knows me better than my ex husband ever did. It's funny how relationships can be so different, isn't it?
 
I don't really know what's been going on with my body lately. I think there's something up with my hormones, but according to a blood test they're within the normal range. Part of me wonders if I am usually not in the normal range then because I don't feel like myself.

I've been having some pretty crazy mood swings lately and it's been really unpleasant. Henry has been taking good care of me, though. I have pretty much been coming home and heading straight into the tub and spending my evenings there with a book. He was such a sweetie that he baked me zucchini chips and brought them to the tub for me.

Last night Henry and I had a house party, and Charles came too. We had a good time hanging out with our friends and drinking martinis and playing board games. It's always nice to socialize a little bit. Charles wasn't planning to spend the night since he had a lot of family stuff to do today, but he decided to come upstairs and cuddle for a little while, and then decided he didn't want to leave. I guess I am just irresistable ;) Or that it was late and we were both tired and had been drinking lol. But it was still really good to be with him. We didn't have sex because tired, but we cuddled up so close and he told me the only way we could be closer was if he was inside me. I had all those wonderful feelings flowing and I just felt so happy to have him with me.

Despite all the frustrating things going on, I still recognize that I have two amazing partners, and I know that's two more than some people get. I feel very grateful to have them in my life.
 
I think part of me is starting to settle down a little. I still feel skittish in general- it takes me a while to feel secure. And really, what is secure in a relationship anyway? It's not really a thing. But I guess I feel less... tenuous? I am not sure.

Charles was over for his weekly date night this week and we were talking about our upcoming trip. I am so excited for that! I love to travel, and I think it'll be so nice to spend that block of time with him, with no responsibilities and just being able to have fun. I think we'll get to know each other better, too.

It's funny how at a year I don't really feel like I know him all that well. I am not sure how I feel about that. Or maybe it's just the way I am thinking and it's not right? I don't know.

But he's been doing so many good things that I just feel like I have to hold onto them with both hands and remember those moments when the brainweasels attack.

We were having a drink after dinner and he told me that his family had been asking questions about us since they wanted to know who he was going away with, etc. He asked me what my plans were for the holidays because he said he'd have to be with his family. I told him this year I don't have Kiddo for Christmas, so I didn't have any plans until the New Year. He asked if I'd like to join them and I said yes as long as I wouldn't have to lie. I know some of his family members are conservative but I'm not okay with pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm ok not bringing up that I'm married... but I won't lie about it either. He said he wouldn't want me to, so I guess it'll be okay? I'm nervous about it though. And also kinda heart fluttery since that's half a year away and he wanted to make plans now! He said that he'd want me to come to some family stuff in the summer then, too, and I said OK :)

Then we had some absolutely amazing sex, and he just kept saying all the sweetest things that made me melt. I asked him what he wanted when we were starting to get touchy-feely and he must have known I meant sexually but he answered me "Long term, I want to love you- but for now I want to please you." And then he did :) :) :) And after we had sex he was teasing me that he loved me more and I couldn't argue since I was all floaty on endorphins and therefore not rational enough to argue about it. It just made me all happy and content.

Things with Henry are pretty great, too. We aren't having as much sex as I would like, but he's going out of his way to show me how much he loves me. We're still getting intimacy at least, and I want to find some time to have a play date with him soon.

I'm looking forward to the long weekend, we have some fun stuff planned with Kiddo and maybe some down time coming up. Should be good times :)
 
An exciting update!

Henry and I are both really overweight. In the time since we've been together, he'd gained over 100lbs and I had put on about 50lbs. We were only able to have sex in one position strictly because of physics :p

I didn't realize how much I was missing the intimacy of face to face sex until I was having that with Charles. It gave us a bit of a kick to focus on the weight loss so we could regain that together.

I am so happy to say that last night, for the first time in more than a year, Henry and I had missionary sex together. It was still a bit of a stretch, but it worked and it was wonderful. We're down over 65lbs combined and we're planning to keep going. Nutrisystem has been really helpful with the convenience, and we both like the food. Plus with the Costco gift cards we pay only 55 cents on the dollar and it winds up being pretty cheap (about $130 a month for the food). We're planning to continue until he's lost 100lbs and I've lost 120lbs. Then we can have sex any way we like :)

We had sex twice last night in less than two hours. It felt SO good just to connect with him like that again. I love my husband... and now it's easier to physically love him too :)
 
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It's been a wonderful anniversary weekend with Henry. We basically had a three day weekend where we mostly focused on ourselves and our marriage, even with our other responsibilities. We had fun at the kink party, then the next day celebrated our "family anniversary" with our son and got all our favourite treats from the reception, and then we had a date night to ourselves at home with a bottle of nice champagne. It's been good. We didn't need to reconnect per se, but just pouring that energy into our relationship is a positive thing :)
 
I don't even really know where to start with this, but I want very much to write as much detail as possible because I don't want to forget the way I felt in the moment.

Charles and I just got back from our slightly early anniversary trip, and it was such a wonderful time. Henry drove us to the airport, which was super sweet since we had to leave in the middle of the night to get there in plenty of time to check in.

It was adorable that before the trip, Henry and Charles got together, and Henry gave him the Vicki care & feeding manual for trips- almost quite literally! Charles was actually taking notes and I thought it was so sweet. I know some people wouldn't like that sort of thing but it made me feel very cared for to know that he had some of the cheat codes lol.

And then we got there... and it was just so good. I remember saying to Charles that I want to remember every moment because this is what Happy feels like. When you've been mentally ill for so long, sometimes I think it's easy to forget. But having that week where I could drop all my responsibilities and just BE and enjoy that intimate time with Charles... I needed that so badly.

We got upgraded to a junior suite, which was amazing. The room was huge and marble and had a giant full length mirror right at the foot of the bed, which made for some fun times! ;)

I had also told the travel agent it was our anniversary, so when we got there, the door was decorated with a banner that read Happy Anniversary, and there were balloons and hibiscus flowers tied to the curtains and towel swans covered with flowers and swimming in a towel heart on the bed. It was such a nice way to start off the trip!

I had been a little anxious before we left just because of some of the intimacy about being with someone for that amount of time. Charles and I have been dating for nearly a year, but we haven't spent more than just over a day together before. His schedule tends to be pretty busy and since neither of us live alone, there just really hasn't been a convenient way to spend more than say a date followed by an overnight together. I guess I still had a bunch of anxiety over what he'd think, because over that period of time there's a lot you can't hide. I worried about showering with him, and as a fat person I worried about eating in front of him (one meal is different from a whole week and I didn't know if I'd feel weird or uncomfortable), what it would be like to drink with him, etc. I decided just to go with it and found I was a lot more comfortable then I thought I would be. It made me feel more confident in letting those walls drop a little further.

There were just so many little moments I don't want to forget but I don't know the best way to keep them all in my mind. I remember that one night we went to karaoke and listened to the singers, but he didn't want to sing because he felt like it was a cultural thing that here people feel like you have to be a certain level of good to be okay whereas other cultures just seem to do it as expression, or because it's fun. I remember telling him that I didn't care, just that it would be good because it's him, and him saying that it wasn't about that but about how he'd feel about it. And then a few days later he played some Spanish songs on his phone in our suite and sang them for me. It might have been a little thing, but it meant a lot.

There was the time when the waiter asked if we had enjoyed our meals and we said yes, and he said "Beautiful" and Charles said, "Yes, she is!".

There were the differences in the little things... Henry and I nearly always shower together and he washes my hair. It's our ritual. It was not the same with Charles, which I am glad for- but the difference was good. It meant that it wasn't co-opting our thing but that we could build our own which was the same but different at the same time because WE are different together. Same with cuddles in the morning. Charles didn't think he would be up for that but we did it every single day :) Although it often turned into sex not long after!

There was just so much love in my heart. The cuddles and touch and conversation and just being together for so much time… I really needed that. The level of connection and intimacy. I had felt like the NRE was starting to fade a little and we had settled into a bit of a routine with seeing each other one dedicated night per week and then adding a second when we could, so the urgency had settled down a little. But after this… I told him that I thought I would probably struggle with going from this solid week of being together and dropping back to that. Not that there were expectations but just that I would miss being with him.

I remember how important it was to Charles to take care of me. I burn so easily, and he put my sunscreen on because I hate the sensation of it, and because it is much more pleasant to get some extra touch in from a partner. He made sure to set timers on his watch so that we’d reapply it every 2 hours and not burn in the hot Dominican sun.

I remember drunk philosophy in bed, talking about the nature of the soul and what makes us really us.

I remember how he knows I’m afraid of flying and when he saw me get anxious during turbulence, that he made a point of holding my hand and stroking my arm so that I would calm down and not feel alone.

I brought him a little gift that I knew he would appreciate- a pair of pink lace panties. He enjoys crossdressing at times. I chose them specifically to be a style that would be comfortable for him but also give that extra sensory boost. He told me how much he appreciated the thought I put into it for him. And it was so sexy watching him wear them in that full length mirror at the foot of the bed while he was making me orgasm!

We also got to learn more about each other. I wound up having a panic attack partway through the week, and he wasn’t sure how to help me. It ended up really putting the focus on communication, because I had to wait until the next day, actually the middle of the night I wrote him a note and I think he still didn’t understand so we had yet another conversation in the morning and then the penny dropped. I think we might be okay next time there is an issue, and that should help in the future. It was scary being that kind of vulnerable, though, and I had a lot of overwhelmingly not good feelings about letting him see me like that. It didn’t help that my anxiety had kicked in early in the day and I couldn’t really explain it to him once that happened, then he got a bit droppy from play and needed me but he couldn’t express it… cue giant mess. I feel like we understand each other a little more though, and regardless, that’s not a bad thing. Goes back to the whole bit about walls coming down a little more.

I remember fun moments of him being silly with accents. It was awesome! He’s so good with various accents so he got a kick of going to a bar and then pretending to be from somewhere else. It was lots of fun to watch and play along.

I remember being in our room and him telling me that the first drink he had at the pool with me had golden rum in it, and now when he drinks that brand of rum he will think of me. It felt so good and also surprising to see that he paid attention to that level of detail and then know that he was linking that to us.

I could never forget all the fun times we had in the pool- one of the best parts of the trip! We were silly and just so happy together. He’d tow me around the pool like a water taxi or pull me onto his lap and spin us around, or swing me near the fountain and tease me that he was going to dunk me (but he never did, even though we had a splash war at one point!). And Mister so shy in public relaxed a little bit with a drink or two and got a bit handsy in the pool- it was funny and I’m glad he came out of his shell a bit because I’m sure not the shy one of the two of us!

He had a dream that he was trying to win us a bed shaped like a pancake at the fair- you kinda fold up in it. He actually had a bunch of weird ones and woke me up one night doing martial arts as a ghost in his dream :p

I remember him waking up so hungry for me that he could barely wait before begging to be inside me. Normally I’m the one who controls our sex life, but it was really nice to feel like he needed me so much that he couldn’t wait and endure the teasing. He told me that he’d been awake for two hours waiting for me to wake up so that we could have sex.

And we just had so much sex, it was awesome. Drunk and sober and every combination in between. It’s always so good to be with him. We did some kink, too- a wax scene that was fun and an impact scene that went a little awry since the noise from the hall distracted him. It happens, but it was a little disappointing. We did manage to save the end when he brought out one of his favourite toys and we went with that. I had hoped for a better energy but life isn’t perfect. Close enough!

Henry and Kiddo were waiting for us at the airport when we got home. What a curious sensation of not wanting to leave Charles but also missing my time with Henry and Kiddo, too. I’m not used to being away from them for so long! I just felt so loved and cared for with everyone there and happy to see me.

It really was seven amazing days in paradise. I had such a wonderful time with him. I have to be honest and say that this past week has made me think about more with Charles… but that at least at this point that I think it’s probably not a good idea. But who knows what the future will hold? I’m in no hurry to find out. Now is pretty amazing.
 
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So being away with Charles really gave the NRE a bit of a kick up. I knew that coming home was going to be tough, going back to seeing him only once or twice a week for that little block of time after spending a whole week with him. Predictably, it has been a little tough to manage but that's just kind of the way things are and there isn't much to be done about it. I don't really want to give up any more time with Henry either. I apparently want there to just be extra days in the week :p Very realistic, no?

Henry and I talked last night. Apparently the way everything shook out this summer was rough on him. He is learning how important touch is to him, and since he went away on his camping trip right before I left and therefore didn't get any touch then, having me away for a week was harder on him than he thought it would be. He says that it wasn't an issue that I went; more that he was just learning what the problem was and he'll have to take steps to help with that in the future. But either way, it left him feeling more disconnected and he needs more focused connection time with me.

That's a thing I can do :) I missed him very much when I was away. It's weird; when I'm with Henry I think about Charles, and when I'm with Charles I think about Henry. Not all the time of course... but it just seems to be how my brain works.

I've been trying to do little things for Henry lately. We had a little cheese late night snack together, and that's always been one of our things. I also got a free Goodfood meal box this week and I picked all recipes that he would love. I know these aren't big things but I just wanted little token things to show him I love him. I noticed he's been extra cuddly too, and I've been making an extra effort to give him touch and physical affection.

I did miss him very much. It's just hard dealing with that mental flip that now I am missing Charles terribly and wanting a deeper connection and trying to remind myself to enjoy what we've got. And I also want to enjoy the wonderful connection I have with Henry. I guess I want it all and I feel kind of like I don't have enough time.
 
There's been some ups and downs lately but that's how life goes, isn't it?

Henry has been having some mental health struggles. He suffers from chronic depression and anxiety, and it tends to meander up and down every so often. Nothing as clear cut as cycling, but more of longer, slower shifts. He's pretty deep in a down cycle right now. I've been trying to get him for months to see a psychiatrist but since it's been difficult (the last three he's tried have all been unavailable since there's a shortage and all the resources he's tried have come up empty), he has just been putting it off. He did finally get a referral yesterday, so hopefully this doctor will actually see him and give him some help. His medication definitely needs looking at. On the plus side, he's finally realizing how much of a problem it has become this time. I have tried to be supportive, and have been up until a couple of days ago when the energy coming off him was just so intensely negative (but not in a self destructive way, just to be clear) that I couldn't even been in the same room with him without risking damage to my own mental stability. As it was I took a ding but that's part of what we do for people we love, right?

On the plus side, the past few days have been better. I can see that he's working to try and support himself as best he can through the struggles which makes it easier for me to support him. I just can't let that black cloud eat me, too. I've only recently felt that I've come out of a multi year depression and I don't want to go back.

It was Charles' birthday this past week and we did have a lovely time with that. We all went out to dinner together, Henry, Charles, Kiddo & me. We got a few pictures hanging out and being silly and having fun. Dinner was delicious, and then we came back home and Charles spent the night. It's nice having him here, since sleeping at his house doesn't really work for me and I love the intimacy of it.

I just wish the brainweasels weren't kicking so much lately. I know it's related to what Henry is going through but not much to be done about it. I've noticed that whenever I start feeling out of sorts, the first thing that happens is that I start second guessing my relationship with Charles. I don't know why that is. I keep wondering if it's legitimate and it's my intuition trying to tell me there really is a problem but I also recognize that anxiety lies and I don't want to sabotage something beautiful that makes me happy because of brainweasels.
 
Feeling way out of sorts the last couple of days. It didn't help that I had a brief conversation with an old friend of mine. We've known each other since high school and he's always been important to me. Our contact is less frequent nowadays because we live in different cities and have very different lives, but we have managed to still be someone to each other.

He's very much not like me; he was raised in a Conservative Christian family. But he's always been nonjudgmental about others and willing to listen to different perspectives. It was one of the things that I really respected about him, that he didn't seem to just toe the party line so to speak, and that he still cared about me even though obviously my chosen path is radically different.

Then we were chatting the other day and I'm still kind of reeling from the aftershocks. We caught up a little bit, and when I told him what was going on in my life, he told me that he thought I was ruining Charles' life and did I ever think about that? That because there's no work in his chosen field here that maybe he's staying here just for me and throwing his life away instead of following his dreams.

I told my friend that if Charles decided he had to leave for work, I would hurt, but that of course I would support him in doing what's best for himself. But I also pointed out that career isn't everything, that perhaps Charles is balancing different things and that's entirely his decision to choose his path and I would support him either way. Old friend thinks I should be pushing him or even break up with him so he feels free to do it. I think that's denying Charles his personal agency and my friend got angry and accused me of deliberately misunderstanding him and whitewashing my beliefs to be selfish.

I'm still reeling. I don't think our conversation had as much of an impact on him as it did on me; he even told me at one point flat out that he wasn't going to think twice about this again. But I've never seen him sound like the caricature of Angry White Conservative Cis Man. He actually scared me a little. I know he gets vehement when he thinks he's right, and I've been okay with that because I've never felt unsafe with him and I don't mind arguing right back and defending my opinions. But I've never felt so marginalized and dismissed and invalidated before by him.

Henry pointed out that old friend works in a predominantly male blue collar industry, and that is a popular place for these type of black and white belief structures, and said that he noticed that old friend was changing over the past few years. But I'd never seen him like this before and I feel shaken. It really has me wondering if I should reach out again at all. Old friend has always told me that he loves hearing from me and he's just not the kind of person to instigate conversations, that it's not just me. So I usually check in every once in a while. Henry thinks I should assume it was just a bad day and try again before my birthday in the fall. Old friend has been to every one of my birthday parties for the last 22 years, so it would leave a person sized hole there if he's not there, but I also don't want to deal with this in person if this really is a change and not a temporary thing.

Not too many people can hit me this hard emotionally... but I find myself questioning my own choices as a result of this. Not because I really believe what he says, but almost because I can't believe his perspective so I feel the need for a reality check. I'm hurting and feeling out of sorts and just really invalidated- like he could drop this bomb on me and then walk away and not think twice about it.

I know people drift apart sometimes... but losing him would be so hard I think.

I don't know. I could use other perspectives if anyone wants to share.
 
That's really hard, Vicki. I'm sorry you've been knocked in this way. I don't have anything much to say, really, just hugs. I think you have a good sense of what you feel and why. It's just, sad. I think it's a good idea to touch base before your birthday and see how it goes.

Did you feel like your old friend wasn't really listening to you? Was reframing your views instead of hearing what you were saying? That wouldn't work for me at all. Are you both able to "assume good faith" in conversations and do you both see value in truly understanding the other person's perspective? I'd want those things in a friendship.
 
Keep in mind that those brain weasels are probably lurking about so this may be hitting you harder than usual. My partner Ray is depressive and I Know how you feel trying not to sink into the slough of despond along with your partner.

Try for a less emotional talk with your friend before your birthday and see how it goes.

Leetah
 
I think that's denying Charles his personal agency and my friend got angry and accused me of deliberately misunderstanding him and whitewashing my beliefs to be selfish.

…. But I've never seen him sound like the caricature of Angry White Conservative Cis Man. He actually scared me a little. I know he gets vehement when he thinks he's right, and I've been okay with that because I've never felt unsafe with him ….. But I've never felt so marginalized and dismissed and invalidated before by him.

Henry pointed out that old friend works in a predominantly male blue collar industry, and that is a popular place for these type of black and white belief structures, ….

... I feel shaken.

... I'm hurting and feeling out of sorts and just really invalidated-

I don't know. I could use other perspectives if anyone wants to share.

Another perspective might be: instead of addressing the issues he raised, you dismissed him. He's white, he's male, he's cis, he's conservative, he's in a blue collar field, he's in a predominantly male field, which (Henry says) is a place of black and white thinking.

Mightn't Old Friend have good cause to feel invalidated and dismissed and marginalized by you and Henry? You have literally dismissed him or anything he has to say, not on the value of the ideas, but on his race, gender, and job.

Another fair question is: Is this the point of conversation and friendship? To always validate the other? Sure, sometimes we want that, but is there room for honest conversation and sharing of ideas and perspectives? Or do we just remove everyone from our lives who doesn't agree with us?

And if the point of conversation was validation--shouldn't you also have validated him? By his own words, he felt deliberately misunderstood, so I doubt he felt validated, either.

In what way did he scare you?

At this point, you need to decide if you value him as a person or if you value maintaining friendships only with those who agree with you on everything.
 
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