jealousy as obstacle to give go-ahead to wife who wants to go poly after long years o

Dede

New member
Hi there,

I‘m new on this forum and the reason is that I am faced with a major change in my 20+ years happy marriage with my wife (42; I m 43). We have four wonderful kids together between 5 and 16 years old.

A few weeks ago she came to me telling me she has fallen in love for a distant friend of ours, that she does not want to cheat on me and that she would like to try poly, or more concretely a vee I think it‘s called. I can mostly understand her need and how it has developed; she had problems with her weight and to feel fully as a woman since I know her. This has changed since a few months and she now feels good in her body, has noticed the attractive power towards men that she has gained and would like to ‚be discovered‘ romantically and sexually by this (and potentially other) men.

I believe her - at least at a somewhat rational level - that this other relationship is in her view in no competition to ours neither at a personal nor a sexual level, that she has no ideas whatsoever about leaving and replacing me and she is prepared to give me time and space and support to adapt and reflect.

We are both reading the more than two book and talk a lot very openly about it and all the issues around the topic of considering poly.

At a rational level the whole thing seems to make a lot of sense to me and I tell myself ‚well let‘s try it‘.

At a deeper, ‚heart and guts‘ level things look very differently and I feel extremely jealous already because of the fact that she is attracted to other men and much more by pictures in my head when I think into the future that she would be dating, holding hands and having sex with her other would-be partner (we are currently on a 5 week holiday trip and just before that she had only 2 brief encounters with him where the ‚spark‘ sprang over but not that much could ‚happen‘).

When I look closer at my jealous feelings I see several things:
- sadness about the fact that she wants to put an end to the unwritten agreement on which our relationship is based thatsexual intimicy is something exclusive between us; something like a treasure we had just for ourselves
- also the assumption that we try to be and give each other everything the other needs; it‘s hard to give up this idea/illusion; it was somehow a mission for me to make her happy and it felt me feel special
- I feel like an idiot and somehow betrayed because during all these years I was often sexually frustrated. Because of her body issues our sex life was very modest, once or twice a month when she felt she could not deny my attempts to approach her. But because I valued this sexual exclusivity so highly and felt I would destroy so much through any kind of cheating I never even looked at other women (poly was not on my radar in any way). Not that I can remember dozens of ‚missed opportunities‘ but still I feel like I was extremely stupid not to ask her and now here she comes and just does it!
- simply territoriality; I feel her body should be mine only, not least because of the history just described. I feel stupid and bad and macho about this but I cannot deny it.
- at some deeper level I am of course afraid that the other man might be ‚better‘ and she might ultimately leave me and that would be a real horror scenario. I‘m also afraid of being alone when she would date him, I don‘t have many friends and people I could rely on to support me.

Overall my feelings about the whole thing oscillate between „I don‘t want this, I want to refuse, she can have most of what she is seeking with me. I just can’t do it because my jealousy would devour me“ and quite confident „this could all work, I see the benefits, let‘s try it“.

Here come my key questions:

- who of you has been in a similar situation and has overcome jealousy as an obstacle and HOW did you do that? Is it your experience that jealousy becomes less over time just due to ‚practice‘?
- Do you think that it might work out if I agree to opening our relationship even if it‘s not with my full heart-felt conviction but more a rational „okay, sounds all convincing, I have not better solution to offer so let‘s try it“ attitude? Or should I work on my issues first until I feel fully ‚prepared‘

Worth mentioning still:
- our sex life has improved tremendously since a few months (since her body has ‚awakened‘), both quality and quantity, I see this as a big benefit from the ‚new woman‘ I have. Also the very intimate and honest conversations we are having now are thanks to this development and are valuable and something I would not like to miss again.
- If I have ideas of becoming poly and look for other partners? While I see this as a potential benefit in the farer future I currently do not feel a need for this. I‘m not good at flirting and I‘m already overwhelmed by the idea of our already very busy life with the 4 kids, 2 demanding jobs, several hobbies like a horse of my wife and now this new additional relationship.
- talking about this: another concern, distinct from my jealousy, is that I am afraid to not be assertive and clear enough about my needs and boundaries ‚pushed‘ by this other relationship. I have track record of doing everything for people around me, first of all my wife, and only too late realising that I go beyond my limits up to the point of burnout.
So that‘s another point to work on!
Question: how can I do that?

So much for today, thanks a lot for reading through and even bigger thank you for any Tipps and advice you might have.

DD




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at some deeper level I am of course afraid that the other man might be ‚better‘ and she might ultimately leave me and that would be a real horror scenario. I‘m also afraid of being alone when she would date him, I don‘t have many friends and people I could rely on to support me.

This is the source of your jealousy. The rest are separate issues. Jealousy is a symptom of something, usually fear.

I think everybody has that fear, at least at first. I got over it by realizing two things. My wife loved me. Whatever happens happens.
 
Hi there,

I‘m new on this forum and the reason is that I am faced with a major change in my 20+ years happy marriage with my wife (42; I m 43). We have four wonderful kids together between 5 and 16 years old.

Are your older kids aware of the change in your romantic dynamic?? If so how did that discussion go ?


A few weeks ago she came to me telling me she has fallen in love for a distant friend of ours, that she does not want to cheat on me and that she would like to try poly, or more concretely a vee I think it‘s called.

To me this is poly at the,point of a gun. I don’t want a divorce ....I don’t want cheat so you need to suck it up so we can all remain a family. I think this makes for a joyous yes more difficult.

I believe her - at least at a somewhat rational level - that this other relationship is in her view in no competition to ours neither at a personal nor a sexual level, that she has no ideas whatsoever about leaving and replacing me and she is prepared to give me time and space and support to adapt and reflect.

I wouldn’t say she wrong or insincere when making such claims prior to starting anything however she and you would be very naive to think that your relationship won’t change. In fact I’d say your marriage/ old relationship is dead and gone and will be replace with something new and different. How much different will be up to each of you.

At a deeper, ‚heart and guts‘ level things look very differently and I feel extremely jealous already because of the fact that she is attracted to other men and much more by pictures in my head when I think into the future that she would be dating, holding hands and having sex with her other would-be partner.

IMO the heart / Head conflict is one of the hardest things to overcome because they're 180 degrees from each other. Time to adjust and reflect seems to be the key.

When I look closer at my jealous feelings I see several things:
- sadness about the fact that she wants to put an end to the unwritten agreement on which our relationship is based thatsexual intimicy is something exclusive between us; something like a treasure we had just for ourselves

also the assumption that we try to be and give each other everything the other needs; it‘s hard to give up this idea/illusion; it was somehow a mission for me to make her happy and it felt me feel special.
This is normal/ typical ....it part of mourning the loss of special and or mourning the loss of the original marriage / vows that were exchanged.


- I feel like an idiot and somehow betrayed because during all these years I was often sexually frustrated. Because of her body issues our sex life was very modest, once or twice a month when she felt she could not deny my attempts to approach her. But because I valued this sexual exclusivity so highly and felt I would destroy so much through any kind of cheating I never even looked at other women (poly was not on my radar in any way). Not that I can remember dozens of ‚missed opportunities‘ but still I feel like I was extremely stupid not to ask her and now here she comes and just does it!

I think right now you have lots of thoughts guts and feeling flying all over and in the weeks and months to come those will calm down. However have you discussed your dating and or finding other partners. No reason to look backward but rather look forward to exciting possibilities.

- simply territoriality; I feel her body should be mine only, not least because of the history just described. I feel stupid and bad and macho about this but I cannot deny it.

So to say but this could really dampen or kill physical intimacy with your wife. Very easy to see how a death spiral in that department could happen.

- at some deeper level I am of course afraid that the other man might be ‚better‘ and she might ultimately leave me and that would be a real horror scenario. I‘m also afraid of being alone when she would date him, I don‘t have many friends and people I could rely on to support me.

I don’t think those 2 are always so closely related. The fact is the new guy could be better than you. However that doesn’t mean someone would chuck everything for marginally better sex. Think back to your single days and remember different partners and which ones were good ....bad and those that were just in a class all to themselves however you might never want to marry or even introduce them to your friends. Being home alone while your spouse is off on a date can difficult. The most common advise is a distraction. When I joined the forum they told people to get a hobby...or volunteer somewhere. My life is and was busy enough I didn’t have to do either.


- who of you has been in a similar situation and has overcome jealousy as an obstacle and HOW did you do that? Is it your experience that jealousy becomes less over time just due to ‚practice‘?

Yes ....you learn to careless. There is a philosophy here that every relationship has a shelf life and it’s ok downsize our feeling and move on. You end up reframing what you think your marriage or partnership is or was and you also readjust expectations.

- Do you think that it might work out if I agree to opening our relationship even if it‘s not with my full heart-felt conviction but more a rational „okay, sounds all convincing, I have not better solution to offer so let‘s try it“ attitude? Or should I work on my issues first until I feel fully ‚prepared‘

Yes ..it could work. I’d read as much of the forum and other sources to prepare.

Worth mentioning still:
- our sex life has improved tremendously since a few months (since her body has ‚awakened‘), both quality and quantity, I see this as a big benefit from the ‚new woman‘ I have. Also the very intimate and honest conversations we are having now are thanks to this development and are valuable and something I would not like to miss again.

This could also lead to the spillover effect.....meaning her awakening is only in the early stages....could lead to greater quality and quantity.


- If I have ideas of becoming poly and look for other partners? While I see this as a potential benefit in the farer future I currently do not feel a need for this. I‘m not good at flirting and I‘m already overwhelmed by the idea of our already very busy life with the 4 kids, 2 demanding jobs, several hobbies like a horse of my wife and now this new additional relationship.
- talking about this: another concern, distinct from my jealousy, is that I am afraid to not be assertive and clear enough about my needs and boundaries ‚pushed‘ by this other relationship. I have track record of doing everything for people around me, first of all my wife, and only too late realising that I go beyond my limits up to the point of burnout.
So that‘s another point to work on!
Question: how can I do that?

I’d say the rule of thumb to operate under is forget specific labels of emotions like jealousy, or envy, or displacement or demotion, etc instead if the overall situation feels good or feels bad. That way assess before you get to burnout.
 
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A few weeks ago she came to me telling me she has fallen in love for a distant friend of ours,
And I guess she got hit by a lightning bolt out of the clear blue sky and has fallen in love. more than likely there was a lot of communication going on that you know nothing about. If thats the case, unless you do not consider an emotional affair cheating, she already has cheated on you. And you consider this other man a :friend:. Your call. most men I know would not describe him this way, especially the way this has been dropped on you.

We are both reading the more than two book and talk a lot very openly about it and all the issues around the topic of considering poly.

Great choice of books. You might want to pay attention to the parts that describe what this might do to your marriage and your chances of success are if you swallow this out of fear. No one here has a crystal ball, but you need to access ALL the possibilities not just the rosy ones, especially with four children.

When I look closer at my jealous feelings I see several things:
- sadness about the fact that she wants to put an end to the unwritten agreement on which our relationship is based thatsexual intimicy is something exclusive between us; something like a treasure we had just for ourselves
- also the assumption that we try to be and give each other everything the other needs; it‘s hard to give up this idea/illusion; it was somehow a mission for me to make her happy and it felt me feel special
- I feel like an idiot and somehow betrayed because during all these years I was often sexually frustrated. Because of her body issues our sex life was very modest, once or twice a month when she felt she could not deny my attempts to approach her. But because I valued this sexual exclusivity so highly and felt I would destroy so much through any kind of cheating I never even looked at other women (poly was not on my radar in any way). Not that I can remember dozens of ‚missed opportunities‘ but still I feel like I was extremely stupid not to ask her and now here she comes and just does it!
- simply territoriality; I feel her body should be mine only, not least because of the history just described. I feel stupid and bad and macho about this but I cannot deny it.
- at some deeper level I am of course afraid that the other man might be ‚better‘ and she might ultimately leave me and that would be a real horror scenario. I‘m also afraid of being alone when she would date him, I don‘t have many friends and people I could rely on to support me.

Overall my feelings about the whole thing oscillate between „I don‘t want this, I want to refuse, she can have most of what she is seeking with me. I just can’t do it because my jealousy would devour me“ and quite confident „this could all work, I see the benefits, let‘s try it“.


You are entitled to all of these feelings. You are also entitled to tell her she can do whatever she wants but not as your wife. This discussion you are having should have taken place BEFORE she found a boyfriend. Now that you have basically not resisted, you need to read some of the things that MIGHT be in store for you.

Unfortunately, you have been put in exactly the same position as if she had had an affair. If you decide NO , guess what happens??? You wind up with seeing your kids 50% of the time, probably take a huge financial hit since in most states if you are in US, no matter how many men she has sex with a divorce will favor her unless there are other circumstances. So what has occurred here is your wife has decided for you what is going to happen and you are twisting here trying to justify a reason to accept it.

The book you are reading should tell you that the relationship she is proposing takes a lot of work with both people all in to have the best chance to succeed. Do you want to play the odds of swimming upstream. my guess is you are AFRAID to tell her you are not accepting this.

And you can read here, once you go down this path you are going to hear a lot of crap that the genie can never be put back in the bottle, that no matter how many times she moves the goalposts its your role to understand and accept, and her new boyfriends have every right to be totally equal to you after 20 years in the relationship.

Your wife is no unique cookie. Not the first woman to go from not noticed to noticed, but you put up with the down side and she has not given you the chance to enjoy the up side.

- our sex life has improved tremendously since a few months (since her body has ‚awakened‘), both quality and quantity, I see this as a big benefit from the ‚new woman‘ I have. Also the very intimate and honest conversations we are having now are thanks to this development and are valuable and something I would not like to miss again.

Great. But what will you be missing if
** she decides to spend three nights a week with her boyfriend
** she brings more lovers to the table
** she spends less time caring for your children
the list of what could happen goes on and on.

Have you discussed boundaries. And more importantly if you continue on this, what the consequences are if the boundaries are not adhered to????
Right now, your wife has absolutely no fear of her own because she dropped this on you and basically told you either you accept it or I will cheat. Not exactly equal partners to me.

- If I have ideas of becoming poly and look for other partners? While I see this as a potential benefit in the farer future I currently do not feel a need for this. I‘m not good at flirting and I‘m already overwhelmed by the idea of our already very busy life with the 4 kids, 2 demanding jobs, several hobbies like a horse of my wife and now this new additional relationship.

Again, the books will tell you and even some here will acknowledge that you will have a much more difficult time than your wife. And you have just stated why.

Now only you can decide how you are going to react to this, but if you decide its not for you, the longer you take to state the the more difficult it is going to be. You are only a few weeks from having this bomb dropped on you and already have been told you are in a V relationship. If that sounds great, go for it. If not, now is the time to stand up for yourself.

Lastly, please notice I have not mentioned one thing about MY situation. The best advice you get will be to lay out the options and possibilities and let YOU decide, not to dictate you and project what this spouse or that one did. You are not my husband, and how he reacted has no bearing on what you decide for you. You have decided to come to a forum where the overwhelming posters are all in for polyamory. if you wrote this entire post of yours on a different website you get get a hell of a lot different advice. The question for you is what can you live with.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW, here's my impressions. They might be wrong. But in case they help you sort out what you want to do....

A few weeks ago she came to me telling me she has fallen in love for a distant friend of ours, that she does not want to cheat on me and that she would like to try poly, or more concretely a vee I think it‘s called.

Fair enough. She's trying to be up front and honest. She's asked you to consider whether or not you consent to this.

So consider. And if it is NO -- be honest with her and yourself. Do not enter a new relationship model if this isn't something you want to be doing. Be honest BACK.

You say you enjoy the newfound mental and emotianal intimacy with these closer conversations you've been having lately. Well... honor that and keep being authentic and honest with her.

It might mean parting ways so nobody is cheating and nobody is doing stuff they don't want to be doing. Or it could mean something else. But I think getting through these talks openly and honestly is better than doing them wonky.

When I look closer at my jealous feelings I see several things:
- sadness about the fact that she wants to put an end to the unwritten agreement on which our relationship is based that sexual intimicy is something exclusive between us; something like a treasure we had just for ourselves

It is ok to feel sad. Any change or contemplation of change could come with a sense of loss for what came before.

It's also ok to feel challenged. If your idea of "intimacy" with wife was limited to sexual exclusivity -- that's a really narrow definition. "Unspoken agreements" to me is "assuming things and not really talking." I'm not sure why you would want to do marriage that way. Maybe it's time to change?

You seem to realize that there is more to life and marriage than "intimacy of the body." Maybe it would have been better to realize that sooner in the marriage but better now than never. You seem to be enjoying sharing "intimacy of the mind" and "intimacy of the heart." Saying what you really think and feel to your spouse. Could keep doing that.

- also the assumption that we try to be and give each other everything the other needs; it‘s hard to give up this idea/illusion; it was somehow a mission for me to make her happy and it felt me feel special

This is also really narrow. You have NO other ways that make you feel special? Why the need to be the "hero" person?

You seem to say you overdo things for others, maybe are too selfless, maybe are a people pleaser type. It's ok to enjoy doing for others as a way to express your love for them, but it is NOT ok to be selfless and ding your own self. You have to take care of you and love you too.

Not run around caring for others while doing self neglect. Do you self neglect a lot?

- I feel like an idiot and somehow betrayed because during all these years I was often sexually frustrated. Because of her body issues our sex life was very modest, once or twice a month when she felt she could not deny my attempts to approach her. But because I valued this sexual exclusivity so highly and felt I would destroy so much through any kind of cheating I never even looked at other women (poly was not on my radar in any way). Not that I can remember dozens of ‚missed opportunities‘ but still I feel like I was extremely stupid not to ask her and now here she comes and just does it!

If you did not ask in the past... that's on you. I don't know why you weren't asking or sharing with your spouse back then. Why you weren't participating in your own marriage more -- I don't know.

But here is new opportunity to share and participate better NOW.

I encourage you to BE HONEST and up front.

It is ok to say "no... I don't want any of that ever" if it is a hard limit with you.

Or "No, I don't want to do that at this time" if it is a soft limit. Like maybe you'd consider it again when kids are out of here and horses are over etc. I'm in that boat. I've spent a good many years CLOSED because it's just too nutty here with kids and eldercare. There is no more SPACE for more people. And I don't like spreading me too thin.

My spouse and I don't share your experience of "discovering" poly/nonmonogamy after marriage. I told him when we started dating I wasn't into monogamy. We do share the experience of the active parenting years being too FULL already though.

- simply territoriality; I feel her body should be mine only, not least because of the history just described. I feel stupid and bad and macho about this but I cannot deny it.

It isn't a bad thing to prefer sexual exclusiveness with a spouse. Why call yourself names over it like "stupid?" You are allowed to like what you like.

This preference... Is it fixed or changeable? That's what seems to be the question.

That is one thing. Here's another...

I wonder if you believe relationships are possessive. Like.... I have a GF, I have a lover, I have a wife. You HAVE these things called relationships. Once you get them, there. That's it. You have them. No more work required. Like you bought a sweater and you toss it on the closet shelf. You can go get it whenever you want warm fuzzies. But don't have to do much with it. It's just there.

Or if you believe relationships are participatory. Like... I share a romance with my GF, I share sex with my lover, I share many things with my wife. Like you went out to buy a houseplant. You do have the plant now. But you ALSO must tend to it regularly. Can't put it on the shelf like the sweater. The plant will wither and die in the closet. It actually needs some regular participation. Some regular tending. Just getting the plant isn't enough. There is continuing care things you have to participate in.

To me it almost sounds like the marriage was kinda taken for granted in some ways and put on the shelf. Maybe by both of you. As well as some individual needs got put on the shelf.

Your mindset to how you approach relationships might feel challenged right now and it might not feel comfortable to examine it. I encourage you to do it anyway. With a professional if you have other issues to heal from so you can be more healthy.

If you need help defining and articulating your feelings around Open relationships maybe these sheets help you and wife talk better.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

They may be worth doing together even if you decide "No... after reflection we don't want to Open the marriage. This is not the time."
Whether "no, not ever" like a hard limit or "no, not at this time" like a soft limit is up to you all.

Or if you are at odds and the best solution is to part ways FIRST. So she is free TO poly how she wants and you are free FROM poly stuff you do not want.

Talk and sort it out but be super honest about it.

With

  • you not really having your heart in it
  • you struggling with emotional management
  • you sounding like you have nobody but wife because you neglected developing your other social relationships
  • You being afraid of being alone
  • you guys being swamped with jobs, kids, horses, and so on?

You do not sound like you are both WILLING and ABLE to go there.

Not so hot on the willing. Don't go against your own preferences. Or go against your own heart.

Not so hot on the able. You don't sound like you have the internal skills (ex: your emotional management) or the external resources (ex: Free TIME. You guys are swamped!)

You guys only JUST NOW start talking to each other more intimately and openly even though married all this time.

How about working on strengthening the marriage instead? And work on getting to healthier footing first as an individual person too?

That would be my suggestion. Sort out the marriage business first. Either get it stronger before starting new things. Or finish disbanding if you have grown apart and want different things now.

Overall my feelings about the whole thing oscillate between „I don‘t want this, I want to refuse, she can have most of what she is seeking with me. I just can’t do it because my jealousy would devour me“ and quite confident „this could all work, I see the benefits, let‘s try it“.

I could be wrong, but to me that sounds like telling yourself stories.

Like you don't really want to be doing this but are trying put put a good face on it. Because you are scared she will dump you and do it anyway and you don't want to be alone. So you are thinking about compromising yourself and going along with it anyway. And you are something of a people pleaser and want to be her "hero" who gives her everything because that makes you feel special.

So telling yourself you are "confident" it will work out.

When I'm not seeing what you are basing the confidence ON. What skills? What resources?

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket here.

I'm trying to tell you to think this out WELL and be honest with both your spouse and YOURSELF. I get that some of this is scary... but I think putting all the cards on the table PLAIN and speaking your truth to your spouse will help you guys sort things out better than keeping things hidden, bottled up inside, and/or not really telling the truth and just putting a pretty face on things when underneath is something else.

YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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I could be wrong, but to me that sounds like telling yourself stories.

Like you don't really want to be doing this but are trying pt put a good face on it. Because you are scared she will dump you and do it anyway and you don't want to be alone. So you are thinking about compromising yourself and going along with it anyway. And you are something of a people pleaser and want to be her "hero" who gives her everything because that makes you feel special.

So telling yourself you are "confident" it will work out.

When I'm not seeing what you are basing the confidence ON. What skills? What resources?

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket here. I'm trying to tell you to think this out WELL and be honest with both your spouse and YOURS
ELF.


As usual, Gala Girl put it eloquently. You got offered accept this or i will cheat and its already started.
 
Hello Dede,

Keep in mind that jealousy can be a warning bell that you are not being treated right. Don't assume that you just need to get rid of jealousy right away if you can.

Having said that, I will share the jealousy links that I have.

There are also a few books you can read.

  • "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
  • "Polyamory and Jealousy: a More than Two essentials guide," by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.
  • "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss.
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Some clarifications

Dear all,

Many thanks for your views and tips already!

To clarify and react to a few points raised:

I honestly believe my wife talked openly to me from the first moment she felt that this is something ‚serious‘. We also had honest conversations throughout our marriage but this has intensified a lot now.
She would be prepared to hear a plain ‚no‘ from me; then of course faced with the choice whether to choose him or me. She would likely choose me and the kids but with a feeling of being ‚dried up‘ over time and cut off from something important to her currently. Would you blame her for such a feeling?

We have talked about setting some restrictions on her activities with him, eg no sex before I feel prepared to deal with my jealousy, with a sunset clause eg end of this year.
Also that she would cut out time for seeing him from her working hours and hobbies to make sure she would not take less care of kids and household.

Still, setting and fighting for my boundaries to be respected and coping with jealousy would clearly be major challenges. And it’s true our lives are full and busy, though this is less her perception.

We have not yet talked to our two teenagers as things are still too much in motion.

Thanks to this new dynamic I have also found the courage to open up and talk to several people around me to gain support and more independence from my wife, though I‘m not sure this will all become permanent friendships.

We live in Belgium so a divorce would not disadvantage me financially since we are both working.

Many thanks in advance for any further new or additional replies!

DD
 
It's good that you talked about setting some restrictions on her activities with him. This will help take the edge off of some of your jealousy. It's also good that you have opened up to people around you, for support and independence. Keep us posted as your situation evolves, as your updates will help us be able to give you updated advice.
 
She would be prepared to hear a plain ‚no‘ from me; then of course faced with the choice whether to choose him or me. She would likely choose me and the kids but with a feeling of being ‚dried up‘ over time and cut off from something important to her currently. Would you blame her for such a feeling?

I would not blame her for feeling anything. Everyone feels what they feel.

But that part is not your job. Your job is to communicate clearly what YOU are and are not up for. She's not a mind reader.

How she takes the news and feels about it? Her emotional management and that part is her job. Just like your emotional management is your job.

We have talked about setting some restrictions on her activities with him, eg no sex before I feel prepared to deal with my jealousy, with a sunset clause eg end of this year.

If that works for all 3 then good enough.

Also that she would cut out time for seeing him from her working hours and hobbies to make sure she would not take less care of kids and household

Also fair enough. Dependents could come first. Both parents need to keep doing for children. Not one parent run off to play and dump all the parenting jobs on the remaining parent.

Still, setting and fighting for my boundaries to be respected and coping with jealousy would clearly be major challenges. And it’s true our lives are full and busy, though this is less her perception.

The only person who has to obey your boundaries is you. You create them to help keep you safe from shenanigans. You state where they lie. If someone cross the line? You move on to natural consequences that YOU can do.

Like if I have a personal boundary of "I do not loan my things to careless people" and you borrow my lawn mower and return it damaged? You do not apologize, offer to repair or replace? Then later you come looking to borrow something else? I have to obey my boundary and tell you "No. Not loaning that" so I can remain free of new shenanigans. You might feel upset or annoyed or whatever you feel. But those are your feelings to manage, not mine.

I hope you get better at stating your personal boundaries.

Thanks to this new dynamic I have also found the courage to open up and talk to several people around me to gain support and more independence from my wife, though I‘m not sure this will all become permanent friendships.

Good.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49


We live in Belgium so a divorce would not disadvantage me financially since we are both working.

Good. Do talk about how you want this to end.

Whether it ends like -- "ok, we transitioned to Open marriage and it was fine. Or -- "Ok, we tried that. One wants to keep going and one does not. So we need to divorce peacefully" I think it's better to talk about it ahead of time and have a plan either way.

Better trying to hurry up to make one during a time of super stress because forgot to talk that part out. And sometimes people do -- they pin all their hopes on a fairy tale ending and fail to consider that maybe it doesn't end like they hoped. People could be responsible for their own emergency preparedness.

You sound like you are choosing to go there, and trying to be realistic about it. So kudos!

Galagirl
 
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She would be prepared to hear a plain ‚no‘ from me; then of course faced with the choice whether to choose him or me. She would likely choose me and the kids but with a feeling of being ‚dried up‘ over time and cut off from something important to her currently. Would you blame her for such a feeling?

She’d “likely “ choose you and the kids ....Makes it sound like she’d make that choice out of obligation and share history. You win because you happen to be the first sperm donor.
Also you mentioned in the OP that she lost weight and was rediscovering her sexy side and by extension poly is the validation mechanism. However have you BOTH thought through the possibility of losing desirability in your eyes?? Is that something that’s taken for granted or it doesn’t simply matter? The adventure you’re about to undertake has been know to cause issues with sexual intimacy where there werent before opening up. Lots and lots of threads here to prove that point.

We have talked about setting some restrictions on her activities with him, eg no sex before I feel prepared to deal with my jealousy, with a sunset clause eg end of this year.

Also that she would cut out time for seeing him from her working hours and hobbies to make sure she would not take less care of kids and household.

Still, setting and fighting for my boundaries to be respected and coping with jealousy would clearly be major challenges. And it’s true our lives are full and busy, though this is less her perception.

From my personal experience and from my experience here on the forum be prepared for the goalposts to move and someone desperately advocating poly to reignite some old love affair will gloss over / minimize all negatives. It’s great that you are planning for these boundaries for visits and dates but Realistically there will be intrusion into all of your lives. It might not happen right away but don’t be shocked and surprised when it slowly creeps in.

We have not yet talked to our two teenagers as things too much in motion

It’s a ticklish area because teens are clever and perceptive and it been know to get nasty if mom is believed to be cheating on dear old hard working dad ...or dad is cheating on dear old hard working mom. The truth then is a whole new level of shock and confusion., etc etc. just something to consider.
 
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