Hi there,
I‘m new on this forum and the reason is that I am faced with a major change in my 20+ years happy marriage with my wife (42; I m 43). We have four wonderful kids together between 5 and 16 years old.
A few weeks ago she came to me telling me she has fallen in love for a distant friend of ours, that she does not want to cheat on me and that she would like to try poly, or more concretely a vee I think it‘s called. I can mostly understand her need and how it has developed; she had problems with her weight and to feel fully as a woman since I know her. This has changed since a few months and she now feels good in her body, has noticed the attractive power towards men that she has gained and would like to ‚be discovered‘ romantically and sexually by this (and potentially other) men.
I believe her - at least at a somewhat rational level - that this other relationship is in her view in no competition to ours neither at a personal nor a sexual level, that she has no ideas whatsoever about leaving and replacing me and she is prepared to give me time and space and support to adapt and reflect.
We are both reading the more than two book and talk a lot very openly about it and all the issues around the topic of considering poly.
At a rational level the whole thing seems to make a lot of sense to me and I tell myself ‚well let‘s try it‘.
At a deeper, ‚heart and guts‘ level things look very differently and I feel extremely jealous already because of the fact that she is attracted to other men and much more by pictures in my head when I think into the future that she would be dating, holding hands and having sex with her other would-be partner (we are currently on a 5 week holiday trip and just before that she had only 2 brief encounters with him where the ‚spark‘ sprang over but not that much could ‚happen‘).
When I look closer at my jealous feelings I see several things:
- sadness about the fact that she wants to put an end to the unwritten agreement on which our relationship is based thatsexual intimicy is something exclusive between us; something like a treasure we had just for ourselves
- also the assumption that we try to be and give each other everything the other needs; it‘s hard to give up this idea/illusion; it was somehow a mission for me to make her happy and it felt me feel special
- I feel like an idiot and somehow betrayed because during all these years I was often sexually frustrated. Because of her body issues our sex life was very modest, once or twice a month when she felt she could not deny my attempts to approach her. But because I valued this sexual exclusivity so highly and felt I would destroy so much through any kind of cheating I never even looked at other women (poly was not on my radar in any way). Not that I can remember dozens of ‚missed opportunities‘ but still I feel like I was extremely stupid not to ask her and now here she comes and just does it!
- simply territoriality; I feel her body should be mine only, not least because of the history just described. I feel stupid and bad and macho about this but I cannot deny it.
- at some deeper level I am of course afraid that the other man might be ‚better‘ and she might ultimately leave me and that would be a real horror scenario. I‘m also afraid of being alone when she would date him, I don‘t have many friends and people I could rely on to support me.
Overall my feelings about the whole thing oscillate between „I don‘t want this, I want to refuse, she can have most of what she is seeking with me. I just can’t do it because my jealousy would devour me“ and quite confident „this could all work, I see the benefits, let‘s try it“.
Here come my key questions:
- who of you has been in a similar situation and has overcome jealousy as an obstacle and HOW did you do that? Is it your experience that jealousy becomes less over time just due to ‚practice‘?
- Do you think that it might work out if I agree to opening our relationship even if it‘s not with my full heart-felt conviction but more a rational „okay, sounds all convincing, I have not better solution to offer so let‘s try it“ attitude? Or should I work on my issues first until I feel fully ‚prepared‘
Worth mentioning still:
- our sex life has improved tremendously since a few months (since her body has ‚awakened‘), both quality and quantity, I see this as a big benefit from the ‚new woman‘ I have. Also the very intimate and honest conversations we are having now are thanks to this development and are valuable and something I would not like to miss again.
- If I have ideas of becoming poly and look for other partners? While I see this as a potential benefit in the farer future I currently do not feel a need for this. I‘m not good at flirting and I‘m already overwhelmed by the idea of our already very busy life with the 4 kids, 2 demanding jobs, several hobbies like a horse of my wife and now this new additional relationship.
- talking about this: another concern, distinct from my jealousy, is that I am afraid to not be assertive and clear enough about my needs and boundaries ‚pushed‘ by this other relationship. I have track record of doing everything for people around me, first of all my wife, and only too late realising that I go beyond my limits up to the point of burnout.
So that‘s another point to work on!
Question: how can I do that?
So much for today, thanks a lot for reading through and even bigger thank you for any Tipps and advice you might have.
DD
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I‘m new on this forum and the reason is that I am faced with a major change in my 20+ years happy marriage with my wife (42; I m 43). We have four wonderful kids together between 5 and 16 years old.
A few weeks ago she came to me telling me she has fallen in love for a distant friend of ours, that she does not want to cheat on me and that she would like to try poly, or more concretely a vee I think it‘s called. I can mostly understand her need and how it has developed; she had problems with her weight and to feel fully as a woman since I know her. This has changed since a few months and she now feels good in her body, has noticed the attractive power towards men that she has gained and would like to ‚be discovered‘ romantically and sexually by this (and potentially other) men.
I believe her - at least at a somewhat rational level - that this other relationship is in her view in no competition to ours neither at a personal nor a sexual level, that she has no ideas whatsoever about leaving and replacing me and she is prepared to give me time and space and support to adapt and reflect.
We are both reading the more than two book and talk a lot very openly about it and all the issues around the topic of considering poly.
At a rational level the whole thing seems to make a lot of sense to me and I tell myself ‚well let‘s try it‘.
At a deeper, ‚heart and guts‘ level things look very differently and I feel extremely jealous already because of the fact that she is attracted to other men and much more by pictures in my head when I think into the future that she would be dating, holding hands and having sex with her other would-be partner (we are currently on a 5 week holiday trip and just before that she had only 2 brief encounters with him where the ‚spark‘ sprang over but not that much could ‚happen‘).
When I look closer at my jealous feelings I see several things:
- sadness about the fact that she wants to put an end to the unwritten agreement on which our relationship is based thatsexual intimicy is something exclusive between us; something like a treasure we had just for ourselves
- also the assumption that we try to be and give each other everything the other needs; it‘s hard to give up this idea/illusion; it was somehow a mission for me to make her happy and it felt me feel special
- I feel like an idiot and somehow betrayed because during all these years I was often sexually frustrated. Because of her body issues our sex life was very modest, once or twice a month when she felt she could not deny my attempts to approach her. But because I valued this sexual exclusivity so highly and felt I would destroy so much through any kind of cheating I never even looked at other women (poly was not on my radar in any way). Not that I can remember dozens of ‚missed opportunities‘ but still I feel like I was extremely stupid not to ask her and now here she comes and just does it!
- simply territoriality; I feel her body should be mine only, not least because of the history just described. I feel stupid and bad and macho about this but I cannot deny it.
- at some deeper level I am of course afraid that the other man might be ‚better‘ and she might ultimately leave me and that would be a real horror scenario. I‘m also afraid of being alone when she would date him, I don‘t have many friends and people I could rely on to support me.
Overall my feelings about the whole thing oscillate between „I don‘t want this, I want to refuse, she can have most of what she is seeking with me. I just can’t do it because my jealousy would devour me“ and quite confident „this could all work, I see the benefits, let‘s try it“.
Here come my key questions:
- who of you has been in a similar situation and has overcome jealousy as an obstacle and HOW did you do that? Is it your experience that jealousy becomes less over time just due to ‚practice‘?
- Do you think that it might work out if I agree to opening our relationship even if it‘s not with my full heart-felt conviction but more a rational „okay, sounds all convincing, I have not better solution to offer so let‘s try it“ attitude? Or should I work on my issues first until I feel fully ‚prepared‘
Worth mentioning still:
- our sex life has improved tremendously since a few months (since her body has ‚awakened‘), both quality and quantity, I see this as a big benefit from the ‚new woman‘ I have. Also the very intimate and honest conversations we are having now are thanks to this development and are valuable and something I would not like to miss again.
- If I have ideas of becoming poly and look for other partners? While I see this as a potential benefit in the farer future I currently do not feel a need for this. I‘m not good at flirting and I‘m already overwhelmed by the idea of our already very busy life with the 4 kids, 2 demanding jobs, several hobbies like a horse of my wife and now this new additional relationship.
- talking about this: another concern, distinct from my jealousy, is that I am afraid to not be assertive and clear enough about my needs and boundaries ‚pushed‘ by this other relationship. I have track record of doing everything for people around me, first of all my wife, and only too late realising that I go beyond my limits up to the point of burnout.
So that‘s another point to work on!
Question: how can I do that?
So much for today, thanks a lot for reading through and even bigger thank you for any Tipps and advice you might have.
DD
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~