Dating & Sex

So, I sent him a text message after writing the above. I asked if he had received my reply (on Tuesday) to his last email of the same day. Today, of course, is Thursday. In that email I asked about hiking together, saying that next week would be okay if this week ain't gonna happen. Thursday (today) was known to be my best day for taking the train trip down to see him.

He said "OMG, I thought I had responded to that." He told me he had a minor illness now but it was clearing up quickly. And he suggested a couple of possible days for hiking next week.

But I can't help wondering why he's been so quiet with the text messages and emails, as compared with previously. I know he's busy with work and that he has both a wife and a girlfriend. And I don't pester him with an oversupply of these messages, taking his cadence as mine to be safe.

He (long while back now) says he feels much as I do, that we're exploring a meaningful new connection and all that. And when we spent time together last (and first! - face to face) he gave an approximation of his availability for such get togethers (somewhere between weekly and every other week) and said we could talk by text and email in the meanwhile.

I think if the frequency and quality of the text / email communication were different (better, more affectionate and intimate), I'd be feeling a connection with this guy. At the moment, I'm feeling like I'm way down on his totem pole of interests and priorities. :( … which sucks, 'cause when we were cuddly and kissy together I wanted that to be a beginning of something. It would take me a bit of time to really open into it, since I'm so used to folks bailing out at the beginning. That is, I can feel some guardedness, veils, a bit of 'armor' which I know I'll need to disassemble and chuck when and where it is fully emotionally safe to do so. It's not so easy to leap into love-passion with someone new who very well may not be around long.

Kind of typical for newbies, right? And this guy is new to poly AND bi romance.

I think poly comes naturally to him, so it's not way new-and-strange territory for him. The having a boyfriend (or potential boyfriend) thing? Now that's very, very new territory for him.

I don't know what typical is in the poly world so much. I only know what's typical for me when "dating". It usually ends up in some minor accident which takes off a bit of skin. Mine, usually.

But my capacity for loving seems to be growing rather than diminishing through all of these little injuries. So I'm happy and proud of myself. I'm getting much better at "self-compassion"!
 
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Well, text is text not speech but going by your collaborative inquiry thread, i'm inclined to agree :)

Thanks Maur. :)
 
Well, I've just gotten a response to a text I sent to my other fella, the one I've been talking about here. (I say "my other fella" somewhat lightheartedly, as we're too new to one another to be 'boyfriends,' and yet he's too dear to me to be just some random guy or a mere acquaintance.)

He says that he's aware that he's been less than fully communicative lately and that he's been feeling emotionally overwhelmed by all that's going on with him lately. He also let it be known that there's "something else," and that that something else isn't anything he feels any real clarity about at the moment.

That he shared all of this provided something I wanted and needed from him as we continue to explore a connection -- which is sincerity, honesty, directness... authentic communication. So even though neither of us are in a clear, knowing, understanding place, I have that. And that's a lot! :) It's better than the distance I've been feeling from him, I must say.
 
I think what he needs -- more likely than not, anyway -- is a reversal of roles. He's been playing the role of caring for a wife who has been going through a lot of emotional turmoil around the near-end of a marriage over her husband's NEED for consensual non-monogamy of the polyamorous variety..., her insecurity and fear, her challenges... her.... In other words, he's been Mr. Giving for a long while, and I suspect he really needs to have his own needs taken into greater consideration through all of this -- after all, he's been going through major changes and challenges, too!

So I offered to pamper him a bit. :p Not to manipulate (I'm too aware and conscious to play such games). But out of genuine loving-care.
 
Poly may come naturally to him, but not his wife. I was thinking new in that sense. Glad it was a false alarm.

For me, it either runs hot or cold. Either I feel a connection right away or I don't. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground there. But then I wonder if the connection is real or just in my head. So I hold back until I'm certain. But then it can come across as aloof. Another problem for me is being love bombed. I'm susceptable to it, which is not good. Haven't taken myself out of the game, but I'm accepting that it isn't going to be easy at this point in my life.
 
Poly may come naturally to him, but not his wife. I was thinking new in that sense. Glad it was a false alarm.

For me, it either runs hot or cold. Either I feel a connection right away or I don't. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground there. But then I wonder if the connection is real or just in my head. So I hold back until I'm certain. But then it can come across as aloof. Another problem for me is being love bombed. I'm susceptable to it, which is not good. Haven't taken myself out of the game, but I'm accepting that it isn't going to be easy at this point in my life.

Thanks for the sensitive, thoughtful words, Vinsanity.

It seems like exploring new, potential connections is always a bit tricky, uncertain.... For me, anyway. And for others.... It takes time to get to know one another and build or grow trust. And willingness to open up....

I'm feeling lucky and happy that -- in general -- it's getting better and easier for me. And that I've got some real solid, loving connections already -- mostly platonic -- to grow from within. I'm not feeling so alone lately, and grateful for the loving connections I do have!
 
As I said in another thread,

Well, my first date with The New Fellow was on March 14th. We had plans to get together this week, but it fell apart. So we're talking about next week.

He's been spending the weekends with his wife in order to reassure her in this time of relationship model transition.

So once again I'm "dating" someone who is rarely available. It's a pattern. I'm not liking it. It's starting to feel like a slow decay. And that is compounded by the fact that communication between "dates," on his side, has been so sparse that it's difficult to believe he much cares about me.
 
I don't have much experience in this scene, but I will give my opinion as an outsider looking in. It sounds like your friend does see the connection the two of you had, but he doesn't know where that connection will fit into his life. So he is emotionally overwhelmed and want's to step back and figure it out. On the flip side you're comfortable with this and know where you want it to go so you're ready to go from 0-60.

My advice would be if the connection is there for the both of you give it time. That connection will be a weighing factor in the decisions he makes and how this entire thing plays out with everyone involved. Be conscious that you're more comfortable than he is and try not to be too disappointed if he isn't on the same track you are right now. Again, if there is that strong of a connection you'll eventually be in the same caboose, you have time.

That being said make sure he also understands your wants and expectations too. If you believe that you had that strong of a connection, he should have been comfortable enough to be honest before you had to call him out on his lack of communication.

Regardless good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
 
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Thanks for your thoughtful input, JTTOU.

It's all a bit of a blur for me, honestly, as he is NOT in regular or meaningful communication any longer. This leaves me with too much speculation and not enough information, which sucks. I'm slowly letting it all go, as I apparently have no other option -- since communication is key.

Even if he were to tell me where he's at and how he's feeling... I could continue to feel a connection. But as it turns out I'm feeling "ghosted".
 
I don't mean this in a snarky way, only a hopefully helpful way:
Why do you think this keeps happening?

I would not have taken it as snarky, F.A. And thanks for your question.

The first level of my response -- the most blatantly obvious one to me is: I don't know.

I'm doing my best not to take it personally, and to consider that, in all likelihood, I'm not alone in having this experience. If I were to take it overly personally, I could construct a story (probably entirely false, fictional) in which I somehow "deserve" to be treated this way, or in which "something is wrong with me"... etc. But I know better! I deserve to have beautiful, loving relationships that are happy and fulfilling. And I'm a damn good guy, a good communicator, compassionate, friendly, kind, generous; I like me. I'd certainly "date" a guy like myself! So I've decided that the problem is not with me -- internal to me.

I don't believe in the so-called Law of Attraction, to the extent that it attributes direct (rather than indirect) causation to my thoughts and feelings. I do, however, fully subscribe to a belief in indirect causation with regard to thoughts and feelings -- and understand these in easily (and commonly) understood psychological terms. Belief definitely is causal -- both conscious and unconscious belief. But not in the airy-fairy new age way which goes by "Law of Attraction". And if I'm wrong on this, then our entire world will have to be redesigned from the ground up using magical thinking.

It may be that this sort of disappearing act is happening to millions and millions of people! It may have little to do with me and more to do with us -- what's happening with us all -- sociologically, etc.

Fear of intimacy is obviously rather epidemic, if we are to use common means of ascertaining whether this is so -- such as how popular "hooking up" has become as a substitute for lasting, meaningful, deep human connections. I would be an idiot if I blamed myself for an earthquake, a tsunami, a hurricane … or a culture in which fear of intimacy is an epidemic.

All that said, I'm willing to approach it all with an open mind and heart, F.A. I simply don't know why this pattern exists in my life -- other than to attribute it to "that's how folks are". :(
 
Poly dating is tough. There are so many factors to take into account. It's even tougher when you are the one with the uncomplicated life.

Expectations. Can you really expect someone to commit after one meeting? Have you tried being more relaxed about dating?
 
Expectations. Can you really expect someone to commit after one meeting? Have you tried being more relaxed about dating?

One thing I have enjoyed about poly folk in general is that when they use words like "commitment" and "expectations" they tend to know that these words exist on a spectrum of degrees with a bunch of different particular kinds, as well. So folks can, for example, commit to being honest, to trying to be kind and sensitive...; or they can commit to being in a relationship even through difficult times. There are as many kinds and degrees of "commitment" as there are people. Same with the word "expectations". The word is context dependent and means many different things to different people.

Myself? I don't think there is anything wrong with certain expectations even when a relationship (dating or otherwise) is new. I expect to not to have someone pee on me, for example. Seems a reasonable expectation. And I expect that even a new friend will, if sincere in the friendship, will put at least a little energy into sharing a few words (by text, by email, by phone) every so many days -- unless their house or hair is on fire.

The guy we're talking about and I may have only met once. But it was after a month of almost daily communication. Then we spent nearly an entire day together. And it all -- prior to and during our face-to-face time together -- was pretty intimate. And he did say he felt connected with me and wanted to continue exploring a new, forming relationship with me.

It hardly seems unreasonable that I'd feel a bit hurt and disappointed when he went on relative radio silence.

I'm committed to being available to him as a new friend. I had hoped he would have been just that much committed with me. Commitment isn't a simple on and off switch.
 
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