I am about 10 years into being poly. Eight years into this relationship. There is a lot of exposition about me in this. Right now, I need to figure out if I'm being rational or if I need to reexamine my thinking. Please be gentle and kind, I can take constructive criticism, but I am more fragile than usual right now. I think that this kind of explains itself. I wanted to post it where there aren't as many people involved that know the players. I may also cross post however. Thanks.
Five years ago this Christmas, my Daddy died. Things were changing so fast in our lives with a new partner moving in, that I never took the time to grieve. That partner said that she was bi and poly - only to find out that neither were really true, she dumped me and wanted to get closer to my partner because she had decided that the two of them were supposed to be together, two years and so much stress later she broke up with my partner it was made clear that she was not poly.
Two years ago the cat who had claimed me died while I was away. Eighteen months ago my sister, my only sibling, died after a ten year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Six weeks later our other cat died in my arms. November will be one year since my ex, but still my friend, Richard, died unexpectedly.
I was hoping that 2016 would give me a break from the grief and sadness. I was blessed to have met my girlfriend Amy and this weekend to have watched my oldest step-son Bar Mitzvah. Also during this year, my team at work has been down so that three of us are doing the full time work of 4 while one person is on FMLA. I have had to watch one of my sister's daughters deal with being BRCA positive, one have her 18th birthday without her mom, and the third just pull away in general. I've had a scare with breast cancer and had a tumor removed from one breast, I am in the midst of changing my anti-depressant meds, and soon I will be starting on an anti-cancer, estrogen blocker that will throw me into menopause, if I'm not already there. Oh, and last week our house was broken into and we were burgled of quite a few things including my 3 year old computer that had family photos on it - not all backed up.
So yes, today I shared the stress that has built up, with my partner of 8 years, using I feel statements and no blame, and I stated my need to have his focus for the next month while I am starting the estrogen blockers. I stated my preference for him to wait to start pursuing a new relationship with a friend ... this is a friend who is not poly and put him on a multiple week black-out while she figured out what was going on in her relationship ... her relationship and that black out ended two weeks ago and it took him a week to tell me ... when I brought it up.
I have been told that I am controlling and that he needs to have more autonomy, basically told that he will not limit his life because I am not feeling up to it right now.
I understand that it is difficult to live with someone who has clinical depression. I feel that in general I manage it well, this meds change was not by choice, I was living well with my old meds, but they interfere with the anti-cancer treatment, so my oncologist wanted me to change.
I need some outside input. I really could stand to hear (gently) if I am being unreasonably selfish in asking for a month of his focus being on me and our relationship while I am going through this, and not being dominated by NRE if they decide to start a relationship. One of the things he threw at me is was I going to dump my girlfriend (we are also in a triad, and she and I date) and be mono with him during that same time.
I am starting back into therapy tomorrow - hopefully the therapist will be poly friendly ... I just know that I have reached a breaking point. I need to be able to bounce this off of other poly people because my mono friends don't get any of it.
Five years ago this Christmas, my Daddy died. Things were changing so fast in our lives with a new partner moving in, that I never took the time to grieve. That partner said that she was bi and poly - only to find out that neither were really true, she dumped me and wanted to get closer to my partner because she had decided that the two of them were supposed to be together, two years and so much stress later she broke up with my partner it was made clear that she was not poly.
Two years ago the cat who had claimed me died while I was away. Eighteen months ago my sister, my only sibling, died after a ten year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Six weeks later our other cat died in my arms. November will be one year since my ex, but still my friend, Richard, died unexpectedly.
I was hoping that 2016 would give me a break from the grief and sadness. I was blessed to have met my girlfriend Amy and this weekend to have watched my oldest step-son Bar Mitzvah. Also during this year, my team at work has been down so that three of us are doing the full time work of 4 while one person is on FMLA. I have had to watch one of my sister's daughters deal with being BRCA positive, one have her 18th birthday without her mom, and the third just pull away in general. I've had a scare with breast cancer and had a tumor removed from one breast, I am in the midst of changing my anti-depressant meds, and soon I will be starting on an anti-cancer, estrogen blocker that will throw me into menopause, if I'm not already there. Oh, and last week our house was broken into and we were burgled of quite a few things including my 3 year old computer that had family photos on it - not all backed up.
So yes, today I shared the stress that has built up, with my partner of 8 years, using I feel statements and no blame, and I stated my need to have his focus for the next month while I am starting the estrogen blockers. I stated my preference for him to wait to start pursuing a new relationship with a friend ... this is a friend who is not poly and put him on a multiple week black-out while she figured out what was going on in her relationship ... her relationship and that black out ended two weeks ago and it took him a week to tell me ... when I brought it up.
I have been told that I am controlling and that he needs to have more autonomy, basically told that he will not limit his life because I am not feeling up to it right now.
I understand that it is difficult to live with someone who has clinical depression. I feel that in general I manage it well, this meds change was not by choice, I was living well with my old meds, but they interfere with the anti-cancer treatment, so my oncologist wanted me to change.
I need some outside input. I really could stand to hear (gently) if I am being unreasonably selfish in asking for a month of his focus being on me and our relationship while I am going through this, and not being dominated by NRE if they decide to start a relationship. One of the things he threw at me is was I going to dump my girlfriend (we are also in a triad, and she and I date) and be mono with him during that same time.
I am starting back into therapy tomorrow - hopefully the therapist will be poly friendly ... I just know that I have reached a breaking point. I need to be able to bounce this off of other poly people because my mono friends don't get any of it.