Need to bounce this off of poly people

KWags

New member
I am about 10 years into being poly. Eight years into this relationship. There is a lot of exposition about me in this. Right now, I need to figure out if I'm being rational or if I need to reexamine my thinking. Please be gentle and kind, I can take constructive criticism, but I am more fragile than usual right now. I think that this kind of explains itself. I wanted to post it where there aren't as many people involved that know the players. I may also cross post however. Thanks.

Five years ago this Christmas, my Daddy died. Things were changing so fast in our lives with a new partner moving in, that I never took the time to grieve. That partner said that she was bi and poly - only to find out that neither were really true, she dumped me and wanted to get closer to my partner because she had decided that the two of them were supposed to be together, two years and so much stress later she broke up with my partner it was made clear that she was not poly.

Two years ago the cat who had claimed me died while I was away. Eighteen months ago my sister, my only sibling, died after a ten year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Six weeks later our other cat died in my arms. November will be one year since my ex, but still my friend, Richard, died unexpectedly.

I was hoping that 2016 would give me a break from the grief and sadness. I was blessed to have met my girlfriend Amy and this weekend to have watched my oldest step-son Bar Mitzvah. Also during this year, my team at work has been down so that three of us are doing the full time work of 4 while one person is on FMLA. I have had to watch one of my sister's daughters deal with being BRCA positive, one have her 18th birthday without her mom, and the third just pull away in general. I've had a scare with breast cancer and had a tumor removed from one breast, I am in the midst of changing my anti-depressant meds, and soon I will be starting on an anti-cancer, estrogen blocker that will throw me into menopause, if I'm not already there. Oh, and last week our house was broken into and we were burgled of quite a few things including my 3 year old computer that had family photos on it - not all backed up.

So yes, today I shared the stress that has built up, with my partner of 8 years, using I feel statements and no blame, and I stated my need to have his focus for the next month while I am starting the estrogen blockers. I stated my preference for him to wait to start pursuing a new relationship with a friend ... this is a friend who is not poly and put him on a multiple week black-out while she figured out what was going on in her relationship ... her relationship and that black out ended two weeks ago and it took him a week to tell me ... when I brought it up.

I have been told that I am controlling and that he needs to have more autonomy, basically told that he will not limit his life because I am not feeling up to it right now.

I understand that it is difficult to live with someone who has clinical depression. I feel that in general I manage it well, this meds change was not by choice, I was living well with my old meds, but they interfere with the anti-cancer treatment, so my oncologist wanted me to change.

I need some outside input. I really could stand to hear (gently) if I am being unreasonably selfish in asking for a month of his focus being on me and our relationship while I am going through this, and not being dominated by NRE if they decide to start a relationship. One of the things he threw at me is was I going to dump my girlfriend (we are also in a triad, and she and I date) and be mono with him during that same time.

I am starting back into therapy tomorrow - hopefully the therapist will be poly friendly ... I just know that I have reached a breaking point. I need to be able to bounce this off of other poly people because my mono friends don't get any of it.
 
First off, my condolences on your father, sister, and cats passing away. I hope the therapist is able to help you process you grief. With those things and the rest -- sounds like you have quite a back log!

I am sorry to hear you had a bout with breast cancer and had to have the tumor removed. I hope your recovery time and the medication changes go smoothly. Cancer's nothing to laugh at.

I don't think it was unreasonable for you to ask if he would be please willing to postpone dating the new potential for a month while you got your meds settled and clocked some recovery time. I don't think it was unreasonable to ask if he would be willing to support you in that time/strengthen connection first. You are not a mind reader. You have to ask to see what he is and is not up for.

What takes me aback is how mean his response was. Is this how he normally talks to you? :confused:


This is a partner of 8 years. It should not be a surprise to him you are a chronic patient and sometimes have patient stuff to deal in. It should not be a surprise to him that sometimes part of the price of admission to dating you is that there's patient limitations to work within. If you were in a wheelchair he wouldn't expect you to hike Everest with him, right?

I think he was pretty mean in his response and it was not called for.

  • He could have said a simple "No, thank you. I am not willing to postpone dating. What could I do other than that to make it easier on you this month?" and proceeded to have a civil conversation about making an alternate plan to handle this next month.

  • He also could have broken up politely, if he's tired of dealing with patient issues and no longer wants to modify his behaviors to meet patient limitations. That can happen. He bumps into his OWN limitations.

Instead, he chose be mean.

  • He calls you controlling (rather than him not wanting to exercise some self control)
  • He says he's gonna do whatever he wants whether you like it or not. (lacks empathy and compassion)
  • Then gets additional "tit for tat" digs in. Like were you going to dump your GF then?

If after 8 years together all you get is "mean" from him? Maybe it's not worth it to keep going with him.

You deserve to be treated well, and you deserve to have your post cancer treatment time be peaceful as possible. Not all stressy. He doesn't sound very compassionate to me.

Given that you have so many other stressy things to deal with? Maybe you want to evaluate if letting this partner go would help reduce your stress.

I'm not seeing where the pleasure is in dealing with a person like that. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hi KWags,

Your request for one month of your partner's undivided attention sounds reasonable enough to me. However, I'm not him, and it doesn't sound like he will change his intentions based on what I say. In other words, what sounds reasonable to you and me may be outside the range of what he's willing to do, and maybe it seems unreasonable to him. There may not be much you can do to change that, other than deciding if his behavior is something you can tolerate.

You've certainly been through enough stress these past five years. I hope some things start to get easier for you. :(

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don't think it's an unreasonable request. I do think he gave an unreasonable answer. I'm sorry he didn't do better.
 
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