Smelling the flowers

Last night M and Bond talked. They both admitted to faults. Acknowledged that they have opposite poly styles. They are putting their relationship "on hold" and trying to be friends.

I don't really know what this means. Bond is so passive and M is so tenacious that I have a feeling they'll be back together before too long.

I hope that Bond's next girlfriend is as nice as Golden's other girlfriend. I've lost track of how many people have expressed how much they dislike M.
 
Your words don't match your actions...and your other rants

Last night Bond and I had the night together. We had tentatively made plans to go to XXX Dirty Adult Trivia, but we were both too tired to undertake that so we opted for dinner out which is kind of rare for us to do together.

Before we left we laid on the bed and talked. That's one of the things I love about our time together, we talk a lot. We connect and we discuss everything, how we are each doing, what's happening in our worlds, what's happening in the world, and so on. Usually this happens at the end of the day when we retire for the night. But last night it happened right after I changed out of my work clothes, before leaving for dinner. The purpose was to bring me up to speed on the what went down the night before when Bond and M talked.

It's hard for me to feel any charity for M at this point. I don't want to hear the allowances Bond is making for her lack of emotional maturity and poor psychological health. I don't even know how to explain to you how she can say one thing, perhaps she's just stating it in theory or because she figures it's the right thing to say, and then complain and have issue that is in direct contrast to it. It makes me feel that she is being dishonest. That's it's all lip service. I just don't know how deeply the dishonesty goes. It really seems that she's even lying to herself; that she lacks the psychological depth to examine and know herself.

One of the issues they covered was that Bond wasn't being forthright with information because he was afraid of her blowing up. She said that had been an issue in her marriage; that her husband didn't want to bring things up because he was afraid of her reaction and it caused them to loose their connection. I understand that pattern. My therapist and I discussed how the circle of safe topics shrinks and shrinks until nothing is safe to discuss. What really stood out to me was that M put the blame on her husband and not in her communication style.

She reiterated that she likes me. And she now says that she is fine with our paths crossing. I don't really believe her when she says this, but I'll suspend my disbelief for now.

I was a bit surprised and proud of Bond for telling her he is done with making special accommodations so that our paths do not cross.

Here is something that Bond had to explain to her that really surprised me: she thought it would be rude if we were all commingling in say, the kitchen, and she wanted alone time with Bond to just say to him, hey, I'd like some alone time, let's go for a walk, or to the back room, or something like that. He assured her that is exactly what she should do and that none of us would think it was rude. That is how living in a poly household goes.

She also said that she likes the idea of a poly household, but that at this time she's not capable of being able to do that.

I looked Bond in the eye (I had to lift up and turn to look at him directly, because we were lying down) and said, "I will never live with that woman." Let me be clear, that is not happening. He laughed and said okay. Even Bond said he's skeptical about her actually being able to do something like that. I hate to admit it, but I am relieved to hear that he is skeptical about some of the things she says.

I think that sums up what we discussed about their conversation before we left for dinner. On our way out we had a brief discussion with Golden in the kitchen that quickly summarized things.

In the end, I think all three of us, more so Golden and myself, are skeptical that she can change her poly orientation from exclusive to inclusive.

On the way to dinner I told Bond that what annoys me to no end is my lack of ability to stay mad at someone. That I know the next time I see M, I'll actually 1.) be happy to see her, and 2.) will act happy to see her.

So as much as I would love to have seen the last of her and be done with her drama, last Friday I felt horrible and sad for her when her heart was breaking. Although my empathy for M is barely measurable today, I know that is short lived.
 
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I want to state that no one says M has to change her poly style. We are mainly concerned that she will attempt to be in a relationship that is in direct contrast to a style that works for her and in the end we'll all be miserable.
 
When things were going down on Friday, Golden posed these things to M.

M - what you intend and what happens are not one and the same thing. You included me in this discussion and I will foolishly get involved.

M,

Asking for what you want does not make you a child. Expecting to get what you want does. You want 80% of your time with Bond to be metamour-less.

There is nothing wrong with wanting this. There is something wrong with expecting to get it.

Yes, you are offering solutions. Yes, you could be asking for more. None of these mean that you *should* get what you want.

No matter how much you love Bond or want to be in a relationship with him or justify your wants, he is not obligated to meet your wants. With that said, Bond has tried to met your needs. Petunia has tried to be a good metamour to you.

From what I can tell, whatever you guys are doing is not working. M your wants are not being met.

My question to you M is this, is your 80% alone time a permanent request? From what I know about you it seems pretty clear that this a core need of yours.

Your need for undivided time is at direct opposition to Bond's basic nature. Bond lives a fully intergrated poly life, where people are free to come and go as they please.

Furthermore from what I can tell, the stronger the bond Bond has with someone, the more that person is a part of his life. This in my opinion, is something to be celebrated.

IMO, your need to have undivided attention will only get harder over time, not easier.

M, what is going to happen when Petunia, or any potential partner of Bond's becomes further and further intergrated into his life? How are you going to defend your need to be alone when your metamours are coming and going as they please? Are you going to plead to Bond to restrict them? Are you going to run interference with each and every one of your future metamours?

What happens if one of your metamours lives with Bond?

I don't know what to say, but it sounds to me like you are struggling. You are trying to make this work the best you can. What's happening is not working and you are now asking others to change to meet your needs.

In the end, where is this all going? Will you get to where you want to be with Bond AND not compromise your needs? Will you sacrifice so much of who you are that you live with resentment in your heart? There are so many questions and only you can answer them.​
 
Living spaces

Something not M related...

Bond's house is fairly sizable. It's approximately 3,400 sq. ft. It's a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, sprawling 80's-style home with a formal front room and a living room with a fireplace. Three bedrooms and two baths are on the main floor, and the other two bedrooms and bath are in the lower level. The master bedroom has a huge master bathroom. It has a dining room and a breakfast area. In the L formed between one side of the living room and the hallway to the master bedroom is a triangular sun-room with a terracotta tiled floor. Sliding glass doors divide the living room and the sun-room. If you've ever looked at house plans from the 80's or lived in a house built during that era, this is the quintessential of that time period.

The house was built by a Brazilian couple and she was wheelchair-bound, so the hallways and doorways are wide. The main floor has hardwood floors and the basement is carpeted. The walls are white, the kitchen cupboards and counter tops are white. The living room ceiling is wainscoted with natural colored wood. There are skylights in both bathrooms on the main floor.

And closets. Lots and lots of closets and storage. So much storage that it's confusing as to what is where.

The lower level bedrooms have large egress windows so they don't really feel subterranean. Also, on the lower level are two large rooms that are unfinished. One is referred to as the mechanical room and the other as the dungeon. The mechanical room is huge. Above it is the dining room, living room, kitchen, and breakfast area. Above the dungeon is the master bedroom and bath, and one bedroom.

It would seem that a house with five bedrooms would be sufficient for three adults, but when you add in all the kids, five total, and the fact that the adults are poly and dating it seems we are one or two bedrooms short.

Golden thinks I should have my own room, so that I have my own space. I think this is a need of Golden's and not my own need. He was a teen before he had a bed or a bedroom, so this is a big deal to him.

I personally want to share a bedroom with Bond and to have a guest bedroom for entertaining "guests."

Bond feels that because I'm not intending to date anyone besides Golden and himself that they can coordinate their date nights so that I always have a bed to rotate to and that I can set myself up in his room.

It's Bond's house, so my guess is that at this point, we'll refrain from building out in one of the unfinished spaces at this time.

That still leaves us one bedroom short for Golden's daughter (9). I'm not sure how that will be addressed. Currently she switches between the two bedrooms of Bond's youngest boys (9 and 11) and they all think of it as a sleepover. They listen to audio books until they fall asleep. For now this works, because they are young.
 
Dinner with M and Bond tonight after helping Golden move some of his things.

Bond: q. post move, feel like dinner and/or drinks with Michelle? (presuming she'd be up for it.)
Petunia: q: why do you want to do this?

Bond:chance to talk
Petunia:probably a good idea. I'm not sure I'm ready, but it might be best to do it now rather than wait.

Bond:we'll all be there, she's said she felt left out of our discussions, i thought it'd be good to chat together.

Bond:^-yes, that
Petunia:I'm not sure if I have enough charity at the moment. Ugh, I hate that I feel that way.

Bond:well, wait and see how it feels post move, ?
Petunia:Have you mentioned it to her?

Bond:just now

Bond: she's also thinking

Petunia:I'm afraid I'll say some pretty raw stuff.
Petunia:I think we better play this by ear.

Bond:kk
Petunia:Because right now I feel like saying, "I wish my boyfriend was totally done with you. I think you're emotionally immature and incapable of challenging yourself psychologically and growing. I dislike the drama you bring to our lives and that you can't seem to move on from something even when it's been addressed."
Petunia:"That your words conflict from one time to the next and that it feels you are being dishonest with yourself and us."

Bond:that is honest.
Petunia:"That right now, I feel you would say and promise things to hold onto a relationship even if that relationship style doesn't work for you."
Petunia:"And I feel that Bond will hold onto this relationship regardless of the same."
Petunia:I'm sorry, but I am filled with dread when I think of things resuming.

Bond:i hear you. i don't want drama either. and i too am concerned about agreeing just to hold on.
Petunia:Okay. It helps me to hear that you hear me and have the same concerns. Knowing that I think I could do dinner and not be a vile, mean bitch.

Bond:heh, kk
Petunia:Thanks for allowing me to be honest.

Bond:always
Petunia:I think that's a special skill.

Bond:me, or you?

Bond:smile emoticon
Petunia:LOL. I meant you.

Bond: M says Yes too.
Petunia:What's her emotional temperature right now?

Bond:cool
Petunia:As in "good" or as in "cold" or "aloof"?

Bond:seems calm and not aggressive
Petunia:Is that because she thinks this is a slam dunk?

Bond:i don't think so. her first answer was to think about it.​
 
Wake up moment...I just realized that one person told me that M would be dangerous for me to meet in an alley and another person (who knows her very well) told me that she's capable of doing worse than bodily harm to me.

WTF!

I need to think about this.
 
We didn't end up doing dinner, drinks, and discussion last night. Moving Golden's stuff out of his house took longer than anticipated. We had four vehicles and four adults, so we each drove separately. Golden asked me to swing by the bike shop with him on the way back to Bond's to pick up a bike he dropped off for an estimate. My new car has a super awesome bike rack, so I am now the designated bicycle transporter it seems. Anyway, the only reason I mention it is that it just added to an already long day. I was getting more tired by the minute and I really didn't feel up to having dinner with M where I'd have to be civil and word things carefully.

I sent a text to Bond, "Tired. Not feeling like discussing things."

M and Bond were at the house when Golden and I each pulled up. We all set to unloading the truck. Golden's g.f., Tatania arrived for their date night towards the end and pitched in despite being dressed up.

Bond never acknowledged that he had read my text and because we had been so busy with unloading I wasn't sure if he had or not. M, Bond and I hung out in the kitchen drinking ice water and chatting, while Tatania kept Golden company as he showered.

I kept waiting for M or Bond to bring up going for dinner or drinks which made me feel defensive and off in anticipation of having to be the party pooper and say no, not tonight. Plus, I'm so annoyed that it appears he's going right back to seeing her like there aren't these huge issues with the way she deals with being poly and her lack of interpersonal skills and self-management.

At 9:00 pm I sent Bond a second text saying, "Tired" as I walked to the master bathroom. When I returned M was saying goodnight and included me in the hugs as she left.

The hug felt genuine. Maybe. Maybe I can get past this. I sure hope so. At this point I need to reign in my thoughts and center myself. If M and Bond resume their relationship and nothing has changed, then I anticipate Bond will end things and he'll not revisit it again. If they resume their relationship and the drama is gone and the stress over crossing paths is removed, then that's just tits and we are all happy.

After M left, Tatania and Golden returned to the kitchen. Tatania made them strawberry mojitos and I made Ginger Rogers for Bond and myself. We stood around talking and laughing. Golden rarely ever drinks. He's a total lightweight. Last night was their 6 month anniversary and they were celebrating, so he had a double. Wow. Hilarity ensued.

My hip was really aching after lifting things. It's annoying that it takes so little to stir it up. I really needed to get off my feet, so I excused myself to the living room. The party broke up shortly thereafter, Bond joined me and Golden and Tatania went downstairs for some alone time.

If we could achieve that kind of harmony the majority of the time between everyone life would be super duper awesome.
 
Tonight Golden and I are going out with one of my dear friends, B, and a guy friend. (Not Bond's B - need to give her more of a name for on here...Bea) My B is often called B by others, so she gets to be B on here.

Golden asked me earlier this week if B liked him. I think it's because we haven't hung out as a couple with B since we first started dating, whereas Bond and I tend to do a group outing with her every couple of weeks. Pure coincidence, but I can see why he's starting to wonder if there is a reason. So, tonight we are meeting up for dinner and drinks. And I'm not feeling it.

Golden has been sending me multiple Google calendar requests today. In the past when he's felt like there wasn't room on my calendar for him (he has asked for two days/week and gotten them). I've told him that he needs to ask instead of wait for me to ask him and also he needs to be proactive. But now I'm reluctant to accept them and I think he may be right. I'm ashamed about how I feel, but I wish Bond had done his typical monthly scheduling with me so that I am not giving away time I could have with him. I think it's becoming obvious that I really do feel like Bond is my primary - at least at this point in time I do.
 
Historic day in the United States: Marriage Equality in All 50 States :)
 
Date night with Golden was really nice. I was able to relax which was nice. For once Golden wasn't peppering me with analytical questions and breaking my brain. I like that he pushes me to think and consider, but it's rather stressful to have to answer questions about what I think or feel on relationship topics that pertain to us as a couple when I've never considered the majority of them - or at least haven't framed them in that way. I feel so put on the spot and he's relentless; he poses one question after another.

Sample questions:
  • What are your thoughts on me? What words come to mind? - What do you want here? Compliments? Sincerity? Do you want to know that I am questioning if you know how to relax and just enjoy the moment? That I'm not sure if you're ever lighthearted?
  • What turns you on? - Oh, boy. Do you mean in general terms, or do you want to know "the things"? If I give you a list will those be the only things you do to me? What if I leave something off of this impromptu list and it's no longer a part of our repertoire? You know what turns me on. Why do I have to define it?
  • What makes you fall in love? - Are you trying to figure out why I fell in love with Bond so quickly? Are you jealous that I did? How can one even know why all the pieces fell in place and it happened? Is that something one can replicate like a formula?

He asks one question and a flurry of questions fire in my brain while I try to come up with a semblance of a coherent answer.
 
Communication

Instant message conversation that M started on Friday.

asked me any of those questions.
You're redirecting to a different issue instead of focusing on the lack of communication in general.

Petunia: I asked how you were doing the math and got no answer.

M: You're redirecting instead of focusing on communication, which could have alleviated some of the issues.

Petunia: And you're having a hard time acknowledging that at the time we were operating under the impression that your relationship had ended.
This seems to be a pattern.

M: "under the impression" is a perfect phrase. Did you ask me directly although you agreed to a fluid bond with me? No. Your issue with communication, not mine.

Petunia: It seems that you do not recognize that decisions are made with the knowledge at hand in that moment. We cannot go back and inform you that I was going to be at Bond's Sunday evening Memorial Day weekend. We didn't know what we didn't know at that time and that was that you were going to have an issue. We cannot go back and get your consent about fluid bonding. We didn't think you were in the picture anymore. We certainly would not have made a decision like that without you if we thought you were still part of the circle.

M: You're maybe "listening" but not "hearing." ASSUMPTIONS were made. You did not verify them. That is your responsibility, not mine.

Petunia:And acknowledge and statements have been made to do a better job moving forward.

M: Except you already blamed me for lack of communication instead of taking responsibility for your end. Better job moving forward is progress, but it does not address the fundamental issue that communication is a one-way street from me to all of you.

Petunia: Holy shit, girl, you take zero responsibility for your own fucking lack of communication with Bond.
You repeat and rephrase things because you fail to conceive that others may not agree with you.

M: After moving into the arena of personal attacks, I'm outta here.

Petunia: Ciao

Golden: I am going to comment on the issue of my fluid bonding with Petuniaand not about the V relationship between the three of you.
IMO, communication was not the problem, assumptions were.
Bond said you guys (M: and Bond) were done. This means your (M) relationship is over; this is not an assumption. I am NOT going to go to you M and confirm the state of your relationship with Bond; it takes two to be in a relationship. When one person in a relationship says it is over, it is over; the other person (or people in other cases) don't get to veto a breakup.
Since your relationship was over, this meant you were no longer Petunia's metamour. Thus any relationship need to communicate no longer applied.
The assumption I made was that you (M) and Bond were no longer sexually active. I further assumed that when the discussions of two fluid bonding came up (Petunia & me then Tatania & me) Bond would inform Petunia or myself, you two were still sexually involved.
In hindsight, the wise thing to do would have to explicitly asked Bond, but I did not. Wisdom comes from experience and I have none in this context. Regardless, this was my mistake not to ask Bond (or M) about a *sexual* relationship.

Golden: My question to you (Bond) is why you didn't tell us (Petunia or I), that you two never stopped having sex? Was there a miscommunication of some sort? Did you (Bond) assume that Petuniaand I knew you and M were still having sex?
This latter assumption (*IF* it occurred), that a relationship is over, but sex is still happening, is just as problematic as assuming no sex is happening at all. These assumptions (no sex & sex) are equally bad.

Golden: For my part, I apologize for not waiting before bonding with Petunia.
Breakups are hard and anything can happen. I hold no ill will towards anyone, at this point. I do ask we all take a step back and give each other some leniency moving forward.

M: Agreed.

M: I would add (again) that I have NOT broken up with Bond. I never did. I had moments of anger and took a step back for two days, but then I reopened discussion and have continued to converse with him about the shape and nature of our relationship. It is currently still a romantic and sexual one.

Petunia: We understand that to be your status today, but one week ago today we ALL (Bond, Golden, and myself) thought your relationship was over. A discussion happened that day between the three of us. You were not included because we didn't think you and Bond were still dating. That's the bottom line. If that discussion were to happen today, you would be included.

M: I am glad to hear that I would be included today. My point stands about communication. I've spent hours expressing needs, feelings, fears, etc. with Bond. I've been honest at every point. No one bothered to ask me what the status of my relationship was with Bond. Including Bond. It's a pattern, as you said earlier Petunia. I am a part of the dynamic, whether it's a tangential part or not. I should not have to beg for information or for communication.

Petunia: M, I've said it in a number of ways, and I'll say it again, you will be included in discussions. You feel that no one is communicating, but we haven't had issues to address other than the ones you've raised and we've responded every time. We are trying. We don't want you to feel left out or ostracized.
 
Communication Cont.

[cont.]

Petunia: What we are not willing to do is to roll over and take blame when we were operating under different circumstances at the time. This is the second time we've been expected to be able to correct something that happened in the past. It's not possible to go back and undo things, so all we can do is say we'll do better going forward.

M: I am not expecting correction of the past. I'm expecting acknowledgement that communication needs improving.

Petunia: You've gotten that.

M: How exactly will communication improve? Will we have "meetings?" Will any changes in relationship status be discussed and made clear to all parties involved? I don't know exactly what shape it should take.

Petunia: Although, I maintain that reaching out to someone that is no longer dating the hinge is probably not something I would think to do, because I was operating under the known truth to me that that person was no longer part of the equation.

M: And that known truth came from a source that wasn't me.

Petunia: Right. As it should have under the circumstances.

M: It should have?

Petunia: It was from your partner and also from messages on here from you. We all thought that's what it meant.

M: In what message did I explicitly state I was no longer in a relationship with Bond?
"We all thought........." I guess I will repeat, again. You did not know, you thought. That's what I'm hoping to avoid in the future.

Petunia: Today I understand that assumptions were made, but at the time I did not realize what I didn't know.

M: You've just stated that Bond can speak for me. That does not result in good, direct communication between all parties involved.

Petunia: Have you ever contacted a partner's partner and said, "Hey, X said you two broke up. Did you?" Or would you be inclined to believe X, because X is directly involved and it's X's relationship? Added in was the correspondence with you that seemed to support things.

M: The only correspondence I had with all of you was explaining exactly what I asked for when I asked for time alone. And yes - I have done exactly that. I can't be certain unless I talk to all parties directly involved.
Different paradigms again. Gonna be the death of me.

Petunia: Well, that's odd to not believe your partner.

M: It's odd to not confirm something as serious as a fluid bond that affects a person's health.
And honestly, I learned the hard way in a previous relationship that I COULDN'T trust him. Hence the doublechecking.

Petunia: Conflating the issue.

M: Yep. History does that. History has influenced many of my reactions and feelings in all of this. I've acknowledged that in conversations with Bond.

Petunia: I get that a previous partner was really crap about things, but we can't judge Bond's behavior on Dale's.

M: And I've spent (literally) hours trying to dissect my feelings about then from the things happening now.

Petunia: And you can't expect others to also have the same lack of trust.

M: But it seems moot, because I'm still being judged on my limitations, not my efforts and positive actions.
I can expect others to take a fluid bond as sacred.
Regardless of trust issues.
But as you said, that's past.
I'm over it. I'm fine with Golden being bonded with Tatania and her partners, too.
Have been since the beginning.
I said I'd need to think, and I did.

Petunia: I'm only standing my ground on being told I should have spoken to you. You aren't accepting my explanation as to why that didn't happen. I have agreed that we need to communicate and have agreed to do so going forward.
We all take fluid bonding sacred. That's not the issue.

M: What form will that take? Because right now there is no mechanism and no effort except for my Facebook messages to all of you.
I get the hot seat.
What is the issue Petunia?
You made a decision based on incorrect information that you didn't bother to confirm. That shouldn't happen again.

Petunia: We didn't know you and Bond weren't done. If we had realized it was not over you would have been included in the conversation, because you have a vote in the matter.

M: How will you know in the future if we're done or not? Or sexual or not?
THAT'S what I'm focused on. Communication about serious issues that affect everything.

Petunia: My partner's word.

M: Which was incorrect the last time.

Petunia: No, it wasn't. For him that was the truth that day.

M: The crux. You are unwilling to communicate directly with me.
How can we change that in the future?

Petunia: M, I will communicate directly with you about relationship matters as long as I believe there is a relationship connection.

M: If you don't want to change it, or are unwilling, that's important.
Okay. There is a relationship connection. I'll expect direct communication in the future.

Petunia:Yes! smile emoticon
Gladly.


Bond: My battery is not happy keeping up. Last msg looks good. Direct communication, no assumptions. Agreed.

M: I'd like specific means/topics of communication mentioned and agreed to at some point. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted right now and need to head to work soon.

Petunia: Okay, what would you like to suggest? (Unsure if you wanted this addressed now, or in the future when you have more time.)

M: Driving. Will ponder tonight at work. Maybe an occasional schedule check-in might be helpful? All four of us? First randoM: thing that popped into my head.
 
I don't think I've ever interacted with someone who cannot see an issue from another's point of view. I am so tired of going in circles with M.

It's beyond me how she doesn't seem to grasp the concept that it only takes one person to end a relationship.
 
I was all set to restart the conversation that M had started. I was operating under the influence of advice received from a friend, but in the end it's not really me to stir the pot.

Golden, Bond and I had a lengthy discussion after Polycocktails Tuesday night. I really gave Bond a hard time and called him on a number of things, which I later felt bad about, mostly because of my attitude. I was being the bully that I consider M to be. I don't like that. So, I'm not going to do that. I will not rollover when M pushes, but I will also not become someone I don't like.

Good things came of the discussion, though, so it was productive even if I felt I was too forceful and too unyielding.

It was a Golden night, but in the morning I woke Bond for a shower as I customarily do. I almost apologized then, but I really didn't know what to say.

Bond usually leaves for work at the same time as me. I think the mornings I am there his schedule runs a bit earlier than it would if he was on his own. It's a nice routine, though, showering, kitchen time as I make a shake, followed by hugs and kisses and last minute conversations. I shower in Bond's bathroom regardless of who I wake up with, Bond or Golden, as long as Bond doesn't have an overnight guest.

I was about to climb in my car when Bond he brought up a message I had sent him about Golden saying that he thought M was going to try to make my life rough and push me out. And that in order to avoid conflict Bond would choose M.

He said he'd never let that happen.

I said, I think Golden meant it's more that he'll allow things to get so bad and be so tolerant of M's bad behavior that it might break me and that I'll decide for my mental health that I need to exit the relationship.

That made him think. He said, "No, I'll never let it get that bad and I won't let you leave me." Which cracked both of us up, because it made us think of how M seems to think it takes both parties to end a relationship. By the end of this I was wrapped around him and we were nose to nose smiling and looking each other in the eye.

I love this man. I trust him.
 
It's beyond me how she doesn't seem to grasp the concept that it only takes one person to end a relationship.

Hi Petunia

I'm newish and just been reading through your blog. Thanks for writing it :)

And yeah, totally with you on the above.

And I got exhausted just reading her continued circular conversation.

All the best with that :)

Evie
 
Evie,

Thanks for the note. I'm glad it's exhausting to an outsider, too. It helps to know that it's not just me.
 
One week

M checked herself into the psychiatric ward last Wednesday, the 1st. We didn't hear anything until a day later, and then it took another day before we heard about visiting hours and such.

She has suffered from chronic depression since she was a child. She also has fibromyalgia/chronic pain. She said that she's been on a downward spiral for the past two months with her depression deepening and her chronic pain escalating. She didn't like that she was making end of life plans and knew it was time to get a brain tune-up.

I admire that she did that. It's not easy to draw a line in the sand and say today is the day I am going to disrupt my life and do something to change it.

She sent Bond a message saying that it wasn't due to recent events and that she'd like for all of us (Bond, Golden, and myself) to visit, but that she wanted a visit from him by himself some time. Bond visited her daily from Saturday to Tuesday (discharged Wednesday.) Golden didn't get there at all, and I had to postpone visiting until Tuesday when I went with Bond because I came down with a nasty cold on Saturday.

It appears that she used the time well while she was there. The doctors adjusted her meds and added a new one. She got out yesterday. She goes back to work in a week, and I think she's going to ask for a lighter schedule for a while. I have no idea what that will do to our calendar as she's expressed that she wants to spend as much time as possible with Bond.

She has reached out on Facebook for help.

THANK YOU for all of the well wishes. I really appreciate them. People have asked what they can do. Here's my super short list for right now: 1. visits (not sure how long I'll be here - Tuesday day at least) M-F 11:45-12:30 and 5-9:00 - 2. donuts (seriously - Greenbush or People's Bakery!) - 3. when I get home I'd like a cleaning partner for my kitchen at least - having my environment around me neat and clean helps my brain feel more organized
:::hugs::: peeps - you all rock — feeling grateful.

I offered to help clean, but another friend who lives closer posted right before me to do the same so I expect I won't be tagged for that.

She told Bond that she'd like to freeze some meals so that she has healthy, easy to grab meals for work. I sent her a message saying I'd be happy to do this with her.

Bond said you wanted to cook meals up to freeze. I like doing that too. Maybe we can do a joint effort some time. I should pick up more storage containers. My friend, Michelle, always kept our freezer stocked with soup and it was so convenient and healthy. She has some really good recipes that I think she'd share. I have a recipe for turkey and spinach meatballs that are delicious and freeze/thaw well. It's nice to bag them up by 4 pieces to take for lunch. If you're interested in doing this together, we could spend a couple of hours before Beatdown working on it and let things simmer/bake/cool while you are doing that and then finish up afterwards.

Overall I have several concerns:

1.) Even before visiting her and hearing her say how the doctors and therapists were all praising her and saying how excellent she deals with everything and how she has her head on her shoulders, etc., I wonder if they see the real M. She talks a good line, but doesn't walk it. And she doesn't even see that she's not walking it, because she either can't be honest enough with herself, or doesn't have the capacity to see things from more than one perspective. This isn't the first time I've had that thought. I expect a therapist wouldn't get much to work with until s/he saw her in couple's therapy where another's perspective would expose opposing viewpoints.

2.) My other big concern is that Bond will feel responsible for her mental health and will not make tough relationship decisions when needed.

We talked about the second one as we left the hospital. He thinks she won't let her depression obfuscate their relationship, that she tries to keep it separate, and that he will be able to make hard decisions regardless.

I hope so.

I am being supportive and have sent M supporting messages, links to Brene Brown's Power of Vulnerability TED talk, kick ass songs, etc. to help in any measure I can. She's been very receptive and reciprocal with kindness.

It's too soon to know if this will have any lasting power. I think she's viewing me in Bond's life in a different manner since their break-up/non-break-up event. She said she wouldn't be a secondary to me, but either she has accepted that role (thus the non-break-up) or she has shifted how she views each of our roles in his life and has found some peace with it, or something else that is unknown to me at this time. It seems different, but I'm not sure exactly what that is yet.
 
Golden was rear-ended last week. He thought it was a very minor event, because his car sustained very little damage. However, he's having major headaches and back pain ever since. The doctor says he most likely suffered a mild concussion.

Fingers crossed that his body heals and his muscles relax in the near future. He's pretty miserable right now. :(
 
A party is in the works!

Bond and I went to a Sex-Positive Parenting meeting Wednesday night and afterwards we stopped by my friend, B's. B asked me when I was going to throw a party. It was a good reminder that summer is going by quickly and that I had planned on doing lots of entertaining this summer. I've let myself get so wrapped up in life with the guys that I haven't done that.

I created a Facebook event today for the 25th and sent out invitations. I decided to invite M. I think she'll appreciate being invited. I sent a text to Bond about it and told him I was leaning towards inviting M and that I thought she'd feel more comfortable if she came with him. He thought that was very nice, but mentioned she was working that night at 6:00 pm unless her schedule has changed which it may have. Right now we don't' know if her schedule is going to be the same as it was before she went into the hospital. Regardless, I'm glad I invited her.

I also invited Bea and her husband. When I had a big 50th birthday bash in May Bea came sans hubby. Having her there bothered me more than I anticipated, so I hesitated to invite her to this party. After examining my emotions in regards to Bea these days I don't think the things that bothered me in May will be issues now. For one, Bond and I are more established. We are in love and past the stage of wondering if the other reciprocates our love which I don't think we'd officially passed through at that time. We've also been through the wringer with M and come out the other side intact and firmly committed. Things have also changed in Bea's life; she and hubby, ArtCarGuy, are doing so much better now. They were in a car accident and it made ArtCarGuy realize that life is precious, that he is committed to their marriage, and that they need to love fully. After that, outside relationships didn't feel so threatening and they are back to dating. I hope that ArtCarGuy comes to the party with Bea. He's really nice and I think I prefer his company over hers. :D

I just checked my event. 29 invited, 4 going, 2 maybes. M is one of the Maybes. :)
 
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