Feeling Adrift

SweetScarlet

New member
A lot of time has passed since my last post here http://polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73533

To recap, my husband and I have been swingers for years, but I was becoming dissatisfied with that for various reasons, and became interested in having a (BDSM focused, originally) relationship with a poly guy we met a year ago. Husband was originally OK with this, and I went on a handful of great dates with DomGuy last fall, but then my husband got freaked out by it, and said he didn't want me sleeping with him (but "hanging out is fine"). He then deployed for 6 months.

Over the six months I became very close with DomGuy and his metamours and friendgroup. We stayed within the bounds of what I thought was the agreement, no sex, no kink, and even refrained from anything beyond cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie, but as anyone can guess we did manage fall in love.

Over this time away husband has been avoiding talking about DomGuy or any other serious issues. I did not quite grasp the depth of fear and insecurity he was experiencing until I sent him the "Opening Up" book that I had just finished, and he exploded at me that he would "never be OK with Poly, and never be OK with DomGuy". We continued to avoid talking about any issues of consequence for over 6 weeks after his return in July. During this time I had cut back my time hanging out with DomGuy to only seeing him in social settings and the occasional phone call.

A few weeks ago things finally all came to a head when my husband read a few messages from DomGuy on my phone and saw a sad sort-of love letter he had written me. Initially things were headed in a good direction. Husband said he was trying to work through his insecurities, that he was trying to be ok with it, etc, but then later in the week he went into full panic attack mode and has said he doesn't feel like he's important to me because I still want to have a separate relationship from him, and he only us to have shared relationships (which I think is naive). So he's feeling betrayed and left out and hurt because I'm in love with someone else.

So, we've been working on being better friends to each other, as we'd been drifting apart, and having more and better sex, and going on dates etc, but I still am interested in having a relationship with DomGuy but husband nearly has a panic attack whenever it's even mentioned.

While I want to be supportive of my husband's feelings, I already was feeling trapped, and it's probably still just NRE but DomGuy makes me feel like my best, smartest, most creative self, and I'm having a hard time feeling much of anything while I'm with my husband (which I feel like a total asshole about).

I don't know where to go from here.
 
Maybe I need to be more specific with my inquiry. How can I reconnect with and reassure my husband when I'm still feeling distant and frustrated?
How can I gently move forward with my relationship with DomGuy if my husband dislikes him so much and it causes him so much anxiety? Has anyone else successfully worked through something like this?

I'm happy to elaborate if needed.
 
It sounds like you're doing all the right things to reconnect with your husband...spending quality time together, improving your sex life, etc. Have you tried counseling? Have you asked your husband what he needs to rebuild his trust in you? Because from his end, I'm sure it feels like you betrayed his trust since you developed a romantic relationship when you knew he was uncomfortable with it (hanging out with someone and developing a romantic relationship with someone are two very different activities.)

Aside from that, it sounds like you may have some hard decisions to make. There is no magic way to make someone willing to do something they're uncomfortable with. He may never accept you loving another man...or he may accept you loving another man but not this man. The last thing you want to do is force him to do something he's not comfortable with as that will cause resentment and pain and erode the love you have. In that case, if you can't stay with him within the parameters he's defined or negotiate parameters that work for both of you, the most loving way forward may be divorce.
 
Could any of these help?

Especially poly hell? He may be feeling replaced since he was deployed and agreed to "hanging out" and now there's this love stuff happening. Also maybe struggling with jealousy things.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

I also think he's being a bit naive in wanting only to date "shared" people. The people may not want to be shared. They have their own voices. Is the desire to date shared people supposed to solve the fear of being left behind or left out?

Is counseling an option?

he exploded at me that he would "never be OK with Poly, and never be OK with DomGuy".

This was said in panic attack mode. Now that he is cooler headed (?)... is this a soft limit for him? One that could change over time?

Or his this a hard limit for him -- one that will NEVER change ever?

Galagirl
 
Hi SweetScarlet,

Sorry to hear your husband reacted so badly to the news of you and DomGuy. Is this an ultimatum; you have to choose DomGuy or your husband but you can't have both?

Sorry I did not respond sooner to your original post; I have been getting way behind on my Polyamory.com stuff.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Those are great links, Galagirl, thanks! I hadn't seen the PolyHell one before.
I would really love to do counseling, but I don't think we can afford it, and the only poly-friendly option in our area doesn't take insurance.

I have a feeling having a sexual relationship with DomGuy in particular is a hard limit with him. I'm hopeful though that he can be ok with me seeing him in a platonic way, in the near future, which I'd accept even though it's super frustrating.
 
That reminds me of my husband.....sounds like he's feeling very insecure.
What helps us is to talk a lot.
I remind him that, in a poly relationship, there's no reason to leave him. (We are together 15 years..and I want to stay with him forever. There's no reason to break up anyway, because I can have everything I want)
But I do remind him too, that his insecurity is about HIS relationship to HIM. That is something he has to work on, too. That can't be your job.
 
Hey guys, I'm feeling really hopeful today! I took a few days of journalling and editing and composed an email that addressed a lot of my state of mind and fears and thoughts and apologies of the last year, including how it feels like he's saying I can stay friends with DomGuy and his circle, but not meaning it, and how I've been reluctant to talk with him about ANYTHING out of fear of triggering an anxiety attack etc. Well, the email was very well received, to my chagrin and relief, and he asserted that he does want me to keep my friends and will work on being comfortable with me spending time alone with DomGuy, and even said he would like them to be friends. *PHEW* (although having a sexual relationship with DomGuy is a hard limit, he's said)

He found the links GalaGirl posted useful, but said we need to have a "rules" discussion, which I'm bristling at, but I understand I've pretty much made every rookie mistake possible here so I do need to help him feel secure.
 
So long as they are reasonable, and fair and not like a double standard thing? Could not get too hung up on semantics and bristle.

If he says "rules" but means "agreements" or "guidelines" or "personal boundaries and limits" -- you could let it slide and focus on the bigger progress. YKWIM?

You could also tell him you prefer to call them "agreements" rather than "rules." You have a voice in these talks.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

may have some useful sheets.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Updates! But I still feel like an asshole.

Progress! Sort of.

Huge Halloween party at DomGuy's house went off without a hitch, and my husband remarked that he felt no aggression or bad feelings towards DomGuy, and since then we've been seeing a fair amount of him and his primary at various social functions.

The "rules" discussion my husband wanted to have turned out to actually be him agreeing we could try this for real, his rules being 1 playdate per month for now, no texting during quality time, etc, which I was super surprised and excited about! I've had two lunch dates since then with DomGuy, in addition to group social activities, and we're hoping to have a playdate this month.

BUT A few days ago I asked husband how he felt about me having a playdate, and he said "I don't know" and walked off and hasn't brought it back up. So I guess that's an "I'm not ready".

I'm back to feeling like I'm an asshole for wanting any of this when our marriage is otherwise great, and I also feel like I'm stringing DomGuy along. I feel like I got his hopes up, and I don't know why he's even still bothering with me when he has so much else going on. :(
 
BUT A few days ago I asked husband how he felt about me having a playdate, and he said "I don't know" and walked off and hasn't brought it back up.

That is his stuff.

So I guess that's an "I'm not ready".

Could not guess. Could ask him if he's willing to let you know when he knows, and if you don't hear from him by X date you will check in. Then he has time and space do do his thinking and you aren't left hanging forever either.

Could learn to be assertive.

I'm back to feeling like I'm an asshole for wanting any of this when our marriage is otherwise great

Do you want this or not? If you do, don't start calling yourself names like "asshole." A habit of beating your own self up because you witness husband needing time to process something is not useful.

Not all answers will be instant. Cultivate patience.

Could just accept husband needs time to process when he needs time to process. He chooses to be here. His choice. His choice comes with some thinking work at times. Let his stuff be his stuff.

You stuff is your stuff.

I also feel like I'm stringing DomGuy along.

Are you? If you aren't, talk back to the inner critic voice with the facts.

If you ARE, cut it out. It's not nice to string people along.

Keep it simple on yourself.

I feel like I got his hopes up, and I don't know why he's even still bothering with me when he has so much else going on

His hopes, his thoughts, why he's here -- all his stuff. Could let DomGuy stuff be his stuff. If you would like to know things, ASK. If you have a need for his reassurance, ask that also.

Don't spend time in your head yanking your own chain. That's not helpful. Instead get things done. Ask for what you need or what you want to know about.

It takes TIME for the "new normal" to arrive. You guys are still in transition. It's normal for it to feel weird until it does. The "old normal" is gone but you aren't at the new place yet. Be ok with it feeling weird and do not crank it up higher than it needs to be.

Overall, things are progressing WELL for you. Focus on the bigger picture.


Galagirl
 
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