Dating for new family members

elginpoly

New member
Hi there.

We wondered would this make a useful discussion?

Our poly family were having a chat this morning about what makes the "perfect" family in terms of number in the group, sexual orientation and gender. Are group members happy with the love they receive from their current family, or would they feel more complete if they had additional partners? Where and how would they meet more partners?

We all met while on our travels but when we returned to the UK we decided to rent a place to see how things would work out.

Love to hear your comments.
 
Last edited:
Im pretty happy the way things are now. I have a home with Nate and a home with sam. In not interested in any other partners and im glad I don't have metamores.
 
Hi elginpoly,

I don't think there's one ideal number/configuration of partners that's perfect for everyone ... in fact, any one person doesn't even have an ideal number, for so much depends on circumstances and the specific partners involved.

In very general terms, I've observed that for most people, the smaller the number of partners involved, the simpler/easier and the more stable the composite relationship shape seems to be. So for poly people, two partners tends to be about right. But as I said that's a very broad generalization and in lots of cases, people are happiest with more than two partners.

Re: where to meet more partners ... often starts with a poly-friendly dating site such as OKCupid. It can also be helpful to get involved with a local poly group, get to know people as platonic friends and who knows if something romantic will develop later. Or there's the idea of getting involved with any fringe group such as a kink group or attending Ren Faires and indie concerts. There's even joining teams/clubs that do something that interests you, and even if it's not a fringe activity, if you get to know someone as a platonic friend you can tell them you're poly before anything romantic develops.

Maybe sometimes you meet poly-friendly partners the same way you would meet monogamous partners, you just have a smaller dating pool. Above all, getting out there and being yourself and having a good time will often lead to meeting someone who resonates with you. They say we most often tend to find someone when we're not looking.
 
A "poly family" does not appeal to me in the least. In fact, referring to poly lovers as "family" really turns me off. It's a personal thing -- the word "family" makes me think of people related to me, so the whole idea just doesn't sound right to me. Generally, what some people call "family-style" poly, I call a "poly tribe." I like that term much more, for some reason, but that style of poly is definitely not for me.

I have no desire for totally entwined partnerships nor to cohabit with anyone. I practice solo poly and keep my relationships separate. I would not need to seek any of my lovers' permission or input on any of my other relationships.

My ideal would be to have four lovers, each of whom I would see at different levels of frequency, according to what works for each of us. One or two guys once or twice a week, someone every other week or two, and another less often but maybe long distance so I could take a trip to see him. I am not there yet, but I keep trying!
 
Last edited:
Hi there.

We wondered would this make a useful discussion?

Our poly family were having a chat this morning about what makes the "perfect" family in terms of number in the group, sexual orientation and gender. Are group members happy with the love they receive from their current family, or would they feel more complete if they had additional partners? Where and how would they meet more partners?

We all met while on our travels but when we returned to the UK we decided to rent a place to see how things would work out.

Love to hear your comments.

I don't think anyone can truly answer those questions. Relationships vary too much to say how many are enough.
 
Your replies were all interesting and we particularly liked your remarks kdt26417.

Like all relationships there is nothing perfect and everyone is fluid so perhaps we should just go with the flow (as people say).

Nevertheless it did get us thinking that we do want to explore new opportunities to extend the family to stave of boredom, however sad that may seem.
 
For me, theoretical awesome and reality awesome are different things. In theoretical awesome, I'd love a completely egalitarian triad or quad with either all women, or including just one man. It's a great fantasy (not just sexually). In reality, that is way more than I have patience or time for, and I know how unstable they can be (especially a triad), so it's actually more of a nightmare scenario. Yeah, I have issues.

So, really, I have no ideal that I'd "strive for" or anything. It's what comes together naturally and organically. and in whatever configuration works for those involved, so long as it's with respect to all. I date people because I am interested in them, and I date them as individuals, with no agenda or preconceptions as to how thing should go. It generally seem to work for me.
 
We all met while on our travels but when we returned to the UK we decided to rent a place to see how things would work out.

I'm curious who and how many are in your group relationship, elgin. All of you live together in one place?

As for meeting new people, OKCupid seems to be a pretty active website in the UK.
 
Yep, been using OK Cupid for a week but nothing definite yet. Needs time.

Our family consist of I and one girlfriend who has a girlfriend. We also have a young guy who is a sub and therefore loves to look after us and our home.
 
My family consists of me and my two live-in partners. To me, "dating for new family members" sounds weird. My long-distance FWB is not a family member, and most likely will never be. In our version of poly each and every individual is free to date as suits them, and everyone can define their family as they see fit. For instance, I do not know whether my husband CJ thinks of his metamour Mark as "family" or not - and it really does not matter. We all live together harmoniously, and that is enough. I myself thought about Mark as "my family" long before we moved in together.
 
Back
Top