HELP sex vs. feelings

ta2nurse

New member
I had been in solo/poly relationships for 9 years before meeting my fiance. On our second date I told him that I was seeing 3 men and was originally looking for another lover. I also told him that I was poly but open to a monogamus relationship with him....but that I needed to get to know him better. Basically I fell madly in love with him almost instantly. I told my other lovers and they were all happy for me and have been respectful of my new found love by not getting involved or calling ect.

In the first few months we spoke about opening up our relationship, but I wanted to do it right as I didn't want to lose him as he was all his life traditional and not familiar with open relationships. I bought the ethical slut, read it and had discussions with him.

We came to the agreement that sex with others is OK as long as we are both present in the same room, no dates alone with others. We had our first threesome, then foursome with a single guy and single girl (both mutual friend's of ours) We also had a couple of orgys with mutual friends and all was great. We were both happy and it brought us closer and I felt he trusted me more.

Now recently, I have come to find that I am having feelings for our male friend (J.M.) who has been present in the bedroom with us both alone and in the orgy's. My fiance and him are friends and hang out together alone, I also have hung out with him alone, but our alone time is understood that we are friends and no sex (petting, kissing ect) happens. Both men are straight but ok with having sex with me at the same time.

I told my fiance this morning that I have developed feelings for J.M. He is very upset and now feels that he is no longer important or special. I tried explaining that my love for him has not changed...in fact we have been amazing this whole time.

I feel that I should refrain from seeing J.M. for now and work on my relationship with my fiance. I am pretty scared that I will lose him...we are susposed to get married in a month and a half. I want to marry him and promise to love and support him....and I have every intention of doing that.

At the same time, I know that even if I cool it or break it off with our friend, this issue will still come up in the future. My fiance is ok with casual sex with others, but not ok with feelings being involved. I on the other hand can have casual sex but prefer to do so with people who are friends and in which I have a connection with....I wasn't expecting him to take this so hard.

Any ideas or comments are greatly appreciated
PS I own both the ethical slut and more than two already
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I would say hold off on the wedding. Do not get married in a month and half. You guys have not completed all the business of Engagement --- sussing out if you are long haul compatible or not. Nothing wrong with long engagements.

Sometimes we are willing to try something on, but find we are not able to sustain it.

First it was...

I also told him that I was poly but open to a monogamous relationship with him.

Then it becomes...

In the first few months we spoke about opening up our relationship...

and you guys start having casual sex with others. That behavior leads to feelings for you... and now you want to have feelings too.

Which is not wrong. You can be as you want to be and feels most natural to you.

But at the same time? I could see why he's taking this so hard from his point of view, if you promised to let go of polyamorous stuff and Close -- love just him, be with just him.

He's been willing to open to polysexual -- where sex is shared with others. But he is not up for love share with others. He sounds like he remains monoamorous -- he only wants love share between you and him. So he was (monoamorous / monogamous) before and become (monoamorous/polysexual) now. That's a stretch for him already. Maybe he can only stretch so far. You'd have to ask him if he can stretch again or he's stretched all he can. One might be willing to stretch a little for a partner, but they could not get all bent out of shape like a pretzel just to be with them either. That can lead to resentments.

His want for a monoamorous marriage? He's allowed to have his marriage shape be how he likes it best. It just may not be able to happen with you.

Just like you are allowed to have your marriage shape be how you like it best. It just may not be able to happen with him.
You sound (polyamorous/polysexual) and like you want polyamorous marriage.

This is a fundamental difference and I would say you guys could have a serious talk about it. This kind of stuff is what the Engagement time is FOR. To have deep, serious talks over many things.

Does he want to change core wants/ core beliefs? Then maybe talking these over could help.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

But if he does not want to, that's his right. His willingness to do stuff or not belongs to him. His preferences can be how he likes them. Yours can be as you like yours.

If you guys cannot be on the same page or cannot accept each other and be ok in a "mixed marriage" where you are (polyamorous / polysexual) and he is (monoamorous/polysexual) then perhaps it's best to let the marriage idea go entirely.

It would be a successful Engagement that concludes with the decision to not move on to a Wedding. Spares you both wedding expenses and marriage grief.

I'm so sorry. I know that's probably hard to hear. :(

I encourage you both two Engage though -- lean INTO it and have those serious talks you need to be having in the Engagement time. Do not proceed to Wedding without having them.


Galagirl
 
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I know that even if I cool it or break it off with our friend, this issue will still come up in the future.

Then this is a big problem, because your husband-to-be has been pretty clear with where his boundaries are. It sounds to me like you have bent yourself out of shape already over this issue. You were poly, you agreed to monogamy with him, you thought you could handle the concession of sex without emotional connections, but you can't. In your shoes, I wouldn't go through with the marriage. I'm not saying break up with him, but it seems clear that these are fundamental differences, and it would be putting both of you in a horrible position to get married before sorting them out. It sounds like you expected his attitude to soften over time - but people rarely change without conscious effort on their part to do so. Simply hoping for something in his attitude to change on this issue isn't enough. Unless you ask him to consider changing his position, unless you have his willingness to try to embrace that change, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.
 
I agree with the others. Do not get married at this time; work through the issues you are having now first. GalaGirl gave you valuable advice, listen to her!

It sounds like you were willing to try monogamy with your fiance when in NRE with him. Fell suddenly head over heels for him, dropped all the other lovers and went mono... just to find out that you truly are poly, after the NRE faded. This is exactly why it is good to wait until the infatuation state is over before making big decisions, like getting married.

You are in a tough spot. Hang in there!
 
Hi ta2nurse,

I am thinking you and your fiancé might want to see a poly-friendly counselor together. Maybe it would help you understand each other better, and work out a compromise or something. Certainly it would help if your fiancé could believe you when you say you still love him and are still in love with him (even if you also love and are in love with someone else).

In the meantime, I urge you to follow the others' advice and postpone that wedding. You do not know if you and he are truly a compatible enough match to make a happily married couple. You need to know that before you get married. Hopefully the worst-case scenario here would be an amicable parting of ways. But at the very least, you need to resolve this sex/feelings conflict that the two of you are having before you commit to a marriage date.

I do sympathize, and know this is a painful struggle for you.
 
Sounds like unless he can get on board with you having romantic feelings for others then maybe you two should not be together. Of course he's upset that the boundaries you guys establish aren't being honored (you can't help developing feelings for others though). He didn't sign up for poly though, would you be okay with only swinging? Just because you have romantic feelings toward others doesn't mean you have to act on them or have an emotional affair with them.
 
Sounds like unless he can get on board with you having romantic feelings for others then maybe you two should not be together. Of course he's upset that the boundaries you guys establish aren't being honored (you can't help developing feelings for others though). He didn't sign up for poly though, would you be okay with only swinging? Just because you have romantic feelings toward others doesn't mean you have to act on them or have an emotional affair with them.

This is where I'm confused and frankly get fed up with the whole notion of emotional cheating. What does it even mean in her situation when you tell her she "doesn't need to act on her emotions"? She's already having sex with them and that's allowed, she can't help that her emotions ensue. Its all ridiculous in my mind.
 
This is where I'm confused and frankly get fed up with the whole notion of emotional cheating. What does it even mean in her situation when you tell her she "doesn't need to act on her emotions"? She's already having sex with them and that's alshe wa ans lowed, she can't help that her emotions ensue. Its all ridiculous in my mind.

I mean just because she feels amorous toward the other guy doesn't mean she has to escalate their relationship beyond what her boyfriend and her agreed upon. She can if she wants to of course but I wouldn't expect her fiance to stick around.

I know some swingers irl going through this. Friends have sex together with men and women, the women starts sexting with new guy, has developed a crush. Her fiance found out and threatened to leave if it continued. Group sex =green light. Intimate texting =red light.

Im guessing the OP situation is similar.
 
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