Don't know what to do

if you don't want it then I strongly urge you not to do it because this could potentially end your marriage

I completely agree, if someone gets their foot in the door good luck getting rid of them. It almost destroyed my first marriage when my ex had heavy NRE with a girl (yes she was a girl still) who was supposed to be just a one time fling.
 
Thanks for the replies!
Well he wants us to have a shared girlfriend really. He says he's unsure how he'd feel about me having a boyfriend until it happened. But I have no interest in that anyway. The concept of a girlfriend is ok to a point. The sex side is fine with me, it's any other kind intimacy that sends me into a blind panic and I don't know how to stop that.
He's very much saying it needs to be a shared thing and that me and him staying together is the most important thing and that if I'm not happy with it then we won't do it.

Classical example of reading too many fairytales and mistaking them for reality. The whole "shared girlfriend" thing doesn't really work, and when it does, 99.9% of the time it just happens without anyone really trying. That's pretty much the exact opposite of your situation, where one of you is already completely against it.

My problem really I suppose is guilt of not really wanting it at all and therefore his wishes being ignored essentially and my deep seated self esteem issues are really not helping.

Don't feel guilty for not wanting something. Guilt is a useless enough emotion when applied to behaviours and choices that you could have avoided. It's utterly irrational when applied to feelings and desires.

I'm just hoping your husband has that rare ability to learn from the mistakes of others. Search through the forum and you'll find story after story where people tried to make threesome relationships work, and it's just failure after failure. And if you're not even eager from the get-go, it's really already failed before you even started.

Second, whether or not you have any desire to go out and get a boyfriend, I suggest having your husband go through the thought experiment. Get him to picture you having sex with another man. After all, this is basically what he's asking of you. If he can't go through it and come to terms with it, then what right does he have even suggesting it to you??
 
.....But the thought of him loving another woman makes me feel physically sick.

Why on earth would you for a minute consider this if it makes you physically sick to even think about? I don't understand. That right there is a huge signal not to proceed.
 
So as I see it apart from the comments basically saying give up right now theres no rush to do this If he's understanding of it. Or is ut that this girl you say started it is more than you think and he already loves her to the point that you saying no now makes him go further with Her ? Maybe a threesome relationship isn't the form for you but some kind of V shape instesd to keep everyone happy
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

He's very much saying it needs to be a shared thing and that me and him staying together is the most important thing and that if I'm not happy with it then we won't do it.

Sounds like he's communicating where he is at to me. That he thinks both have to be willing for it to move to having deeper conversations about it. If both are not willing then having more conversation about opening the marriage is moot.

At this time?

  • He is willing to go there. He is also willing to NOT go there and let the idea go. He is willing to respect your boundaries. He wants to know where you are at. (How is this horrible? :confused:)
  • You are not willing to go there. NOT your cup of tea.

Ergo BOTH are not willing to go there. You know it. So why not just keep it simple and say "no thanks" so he can know it too?

"Thanks for sharing, hon. I'm not up for Opening the marriage for polyamory. I am happy how it is.

If you want to share your poly thoughts and feelings about things, that's ok with me. I can listen. I am up for that. I am Open to YOU and hearing your thoughts and feelings.

But us practicing polyamory? Not my cup of tea."

Then leave it at that? :confused:

He might be bummed out about it, but but most adults can handle processing disappointments without getting too bent out of shape. He said he's fine letting it go.

Is is that you think he lied? Does he usually say he can let a thing go but then really what he does is fly off the handle and bully you? :confused:

My problem really I suppose is guilt of not really wanting it at all and therefore his wishes being ignored essentially

I find it interesting you call it "guilty" like it is a crime to have your own preferences. Not all people are up for polyamory and that is OK.

How are his wishes "being ignored" if you have heard him talk, thought about how you feel about it, and responded something like the above? That's not ignoring. You have responded with clear information about what you are and are not willing to do at this time.

Is it that you have yet to respond? If so, go ahead and speak up and state what you are and are not up for honestly and directly.

Are you thinking like you have to meet everything he ever asks of you? :confused:

My deep seated self esteem issues are really not helping.

Is this area what you are trying to ignore dealing with -- self esteem work? How what you think to yourself and how you behave makes you proud of you/not proud of you?

Are you guilty of usually avoiding examining why you do not hold yourself in high esteem?

If so? I think you could work on that whether or not you guys Open. See if doing so helps you feel better.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Niamh,

It's always possible you could get feeling better about polyamory in the future, but for right now it sounds to me like you're not ready to try it. You could tell your husband, "I can't do that right now, I don't know if that'll ever change."

If you are feeling like you should be able to handle polyamory, and want to work on that, perhaps you could start seeing a poly-friendly therapist? Note that in therapy, you might decide that it's okay for you to remain averse to poly. That isn't necessarily a bad outcome.
 
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