Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

You're just having a private ceremony, and yet you're thinking of going whole hog with fancy outfits? I mean, that's fine, but where will you be, or what will you be doing, that you'll need to be so dressed up, just the two of you? Who's even going to take pix of your glory?

Just curious. You should certainly do what brings you joy, and I know you love dressing up.
 
You're just having a private ceremony, and yet you're thinking of going whole hog with fancy outfits? I mean, that's fine, but where will you be, or what will you be doing, that you'll need to be so dressed up, just the two of you? Who's even going to take pix of your glory?

Just curious. You should certainly do what brings you joy, and I know you love dressing up.
No one was there for me & PunkRock when we got married either. :) DarkKnight & I eloped and got married in an Italian restaurant, but he wore a tux and I had a fancy dress then too. I will do what we did then - I hired a photographer. I absolutely want to have fancy outfits. As rushed as this will be, it’s my forever and it’s important to me.

DarkKnight will NOT be there. I love him dearly and I would never ask him to try and emotionally regulate at a wedding that is only happening because I split with him legally. ❤️
 
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The white dress arrived yesterday but I didn’t put it on yet. The strapless bra for it will be arriving today and I figured I’d try them together. Since I already own the dress in peacock blue, it should definitely fit.

Speaking of clothing, I ordered MisterMoonbeam’s pirate fit for the Sea Mobster’s dance in February. I have a black and red dress to wear with a corset, and hopefully the shirt & coat I purchased will fit him. I actually measured him last night to be sure. Garb is expensive and I don’t wanna have to bother with sending stuff back!

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I am going to wear my black wench corset over the dress - the black center shown here is just elastic, and while it looks okay, I don’t think it looks pirate enough. We both already own black tri-corner pirate hats. MisterMoonbeam has black pirate pants already, but also a black and red kilt, so he has options! I’m excited about this event!

We also have a Snow Ball this month, but that’s a small social dance where we take our lessons. The Frost Faerie ball is also in February and I really have no idea yet about what the two of us are going to wear. I have a bunch of pieces that can be cobbled together and be passable, but I’m not sure about MisterMoonbeam. He has a white Ren Faire shirt but he may need to buy a new kilt or something. Last year we went to a “Fire and Ice” dance and he wore an all-white outfit that we had got him for a white party, but it’s not garb. It would work for the Snow Ball but not for Frost Faerie. I’m going to look at a couple of sites today for him.
 
I put twenty of my globes into our (non-working) fireplace today. Now I gotta figure out what to do with the rest of the mantle and the wall. I’m thinking of replacing the feathers on the opposite wall with a large map. We will see!

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I used to collect globes too but they take up so much space and gather so much dust, I donated or gave most of them away. I still have the Fisher-Price light-up globe with the peekhole. Do you want it? It's yours if you want to pay the shipping. Otherwise it's going in the next trip to St. Vincent de Paul.
 
I used to collect globes too but they take up so much space and gather so much dust, I donated or gave most of them away. I still have the Fisher-Price light-up globe with the peekhole. Do you want it? It's yours if you want to pay the shipping. Otherwise it's going in the next trip to St. Vincent de Paul.
Aww thanks! Yes, send me a private message and we can connect!
 
So I had my gynocologist appointment today. It was interesting because she seemed a little combative going into the room. She said she had reviewed the report and she was a little put out by the doctor telling me that I needed a hysterectomy, and that it was a stretch to just jump right to that when I don’t have a history of this and my pain was never mentioned as something significant in the past. I was like, well, I did mention it, every time I came in but you all would tell me it sounded manageable since it wasn’t greatly effecting my life.

She said she was going to go through a checklist with me of other things it could be and we could table the hysterectomy idea for now. I just kind of shrugged. She asked me about my sex partners and STD testing, my history of back problems and what medications I was taking. She then said it sounded like she should do an exam, so she did.

She said my cervix looked fine. I said, well the report said it’s covered in cysts. She said, yes but that’s normal and on the other side that I can’t see. Okay. Then she started putting pressure from the inside and her entire demeanor changed.

Does this hurt? Does this? When I touch here what does it feel like? She then pressed on my abdomen in different places, and then said point blank - “I am not the right surgeon for this. I’m referring you to a gynocologic oncologist. These fibroids are too large, too quickly. There’s no report of any of this in previous exams and no one in this practice would have missed these.”

She then told me that my uterus was way too big and it was too far north. “It’s way up under your belly button and filling the whole space.”She said she doesn’t trust that radiologist’s measurements because she’s feeling that it’s much larger.

I asked her if I should be worried. She looked right at me and said, “I’m telling you that I’m worried.” I told her how I had delayed the MRI and the insurance/divorce/marriage plans. She said a May or June timeline would be okay but not to put off anything until the end of summer - that I need to get this scheduled.

She counted on her fingers and said again May would probably be fine. She said honestly, the MRI might not even be needed - the other doctor is probably “just going to go in and take it all and he’ll find what he finds.” She also said that the surgery would not be transvaginal or laparoscopic - they will need the larger incision for this size of a uterus.

So yeah. Then she told me that I was overdue for a mammogram, so when I was checking out, the desk person called downstairs and got me in immediately. So my boobs got squished today too.

I’m kind of in shock right now. The ultrasound report said that the fibroids were benign but the way this was told to me made it sound very likely that they are not. When I got home, I went outside and filled all the bird feeders and when I came inside I had a missed call. The voicemail was the gyno’s office saying they had sent over a referral and I should here something soon.

I’m scared.
 
Wow, that sucks. I wish you the best.

I'll figure out a box for the globe and PM you for your shipping details tomorrow.
 
It sounds like you need the surgery as soon as possible. Would it make sense to stay on DarkKnight's insurance and figure out a way to pay the deductible, rather than go through the hoops of divorce and remarriage?

After all, if DarkKnight needs any medical procedures later this year, then the deductible would be paid already.

Your life is more important than money.

However, I will also say that your previous gynos did not sound great and I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't pay much attention to your fibroids, so now the new doctor thinks they've grown too rapidly. They could still be benign. My benign fibroid uterus was quite enlarged and "far north" up above my belly button.
 
It sounds like you need the surgery as soon as possible. Would it make sense to stay on DarkKnight's insurance and figure out a way to pay the deductible, rather than go through the hoops of divorce and remarriage?

After all, if DarkKnight needs any medical procedures later this year, then the deductible would be paid already.

Your life is more important than money.

However, I will also say that your previous gynos did not sound great and I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't pay much attention to your fibroids, so now the new doctor thinks they've grown too rapidly. They could still be benign. My benign fibroid uterus was quite enlarged and "far north" up above my belly button.
I definitely do not have a death wish and I will be following their instructions and timeline for sure. I plan to keep the car tomorrow so I can go to the bank and finish separating my finances from DarkKnight completely - getting my own personal bank account - and then heading to the courthouse when the free legal clinic opens. I’m told they have a free packet for divorce proceedings. So I will get the stuff started and hope for the best financially. But I’m not going to take a risk that is unnecessary!
 
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I went to the law clinic at the courthouse and picked up the divorce packet. It’s surprisingly thin and the lawyer there walked me through it. It was self-explanatory so he didn’t really have to do that. It’s $165 to file it so I will fill it out tonight and turn it in tomorrow. He said after it is filed, the court will mail me a case number and a copy to serve on DarkKnight. I can pay $60 to have a sheriff serve him, or anyone can do it for free, if they fill out a form. I got the form, so MisterMoonbeam can serve him.

I was also given the “answer” paperwork, which is literally 3 pages of checkboxes, where DarkKnight can check that he agrees or disagrees with each paragraph I filed. Then that gets turned into the court. The lawyer says it shouldn’t take more than 90 days total as long as we are in agreement on everything.

We will be contacted with a court date, and we both have to appear for a hearing in front of the judge. The lawyer said it’s very routine and we should be in and out in 15 minutes. We just have to affirm that we’re all good.

I’m going to turn it all in tomorrow.
 
I had my second Wiccan class last night and it was all about connections and building relationships with gods/deities/spirit guides/elementals. I know some people take a lot of comfort in this sort of thing but to me it’s silly. We had a guided meditation session at the end to have them visit but I was just kinda hanging out and apparently no one wanted to say hey to me. At one point I did start thinking about owls for some reason and then about my bird feeders and blackbirds but I wasn’t talking to any.

Next week is about the Wheel of the Year which I am much more interested in.

When I got home, I snuggled with MisterMoonbeam and he told me he is no longer seeing his newest dating partner. He said it kind of fizzled out because of distance and scheduling. He said the last week or so it was just silence on her end and they weren’t really connecting with memes as much.

He said he closed down his OKCupid account for now since we’re busy with my health stuff and soon the wedding. I told him hopefully he won’t have to explain to anyone that he has two deceased wives because that doesn’t make him that great of a catch. 😂 He tied me up but didn’t spank me because he found it funny too. But you have to admit it sounds sus. I guess I will stay alive so he doesn’t have to explain. 😂
 
I filled out the divorce paperwork this morning. I struggled as to what to put down what our irreconcilable differences would be. Financial difficulties fits but I just wrote adultery and left it with that. The roads are shit today so it looks like I won’t be dropping these off until Monday now, but I’m hoping the weather clears and I can go this afternoon. I feel like, the sooner, the better.

MisterMoonbeam had therapy this morning and then an eye doctor appointment. He was going to pick me up between the two but he called and said the roads were awful in our development and he was going to go straight to his other appointment. So I am enjoying some pajama time. He said he would bring home lunch. Honestly though that means McDonalds or the Dutch Market since they’re the only places on the way back. Oh, I guess Alekos works too - that’s a local sub shop. I’m down with McDonalds but it’s not great for my diabetes. I had my typical health shake and 1/4 banana for breakfast.

I need some time with DarkKnight. He’s in two different theatrical productions - Bonnie & Clyde in February and American Idiot in March. He’s in the ensemble but has multiple speaking parts in both. This means he’s gone every single night at practice! He had to take a hiatus from his choral group this spring because he couldn’t make their practices, though he is still on the board of directors. He is actually home tonight and I am so glad. I need snuggle time with him in the worst way!

I need snuggle time from everyone, honestly. This is a lot to deal with all at once. My next therapy appointment is on Wednesday.
 
I made it to the courthouse but it was closed because of the weather. MisterMoonbeam and I were like, what the fuck and then just decided to go to the movies since we were out. We saw The Boys in the Boat and had spiked hot chocolate. Definitely not in my diet but I didn’t really care, honestly. I needed the trash because I am an emotional eater.

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Oh well. We had vegan tacos for dinner, so hopefully I will live forever and this deviation from the low carb lifestyle will be a blip.

What the heck - the light must have caught my hair just right in that photo - I just realized that there is a super-clear demarcation line between my natural gray and where I had the teal stripped out a while back! I guess the good news is that it should be easy to dip the ends with a new shade of green or blue for the wedding when that happens.
 
I did MisterMoonbeam’s taxes today. He pays extra in his paycheck each week to insure he gets a hefty refund. Unfortunately when his wife was ill and after she passed, he didn’t file and then didn’t change his withholding. He’s been paying the IRS on a plan with penalties since we started dating. He now has it down to $10,000. So he gets a nice refund, but they take it automatically to apply toward the past balance.

Sucks.

However, I’m excited because this year we can see that this refund, along with his monthly payments in 2024, and his refund next year, will pay off that debt completely. Whoo hoo!

My son’s taxes can be completed now too, but I have to meet up with him next week to do that. DarkKnight’s is not able to be done since he sold his house in August - the bank closed the account so he has to wait to get the form in the mail. Lame.
 
I found out last night that not only have I gone from a size 18 to a size 14, but my boobs have shrunk as well. I just bought 3 new bras - I went from a DDD to just a D. My current cups are all gaping at the top. Ugh. This is too damn expensive!
 
I have the worst anxiety right now, just thinking about tomorrow. I had a very restful today, on purpose! I finished reading a book, I put away four huge baskets of clean laundry, and I finished watching the Mandalorian season 3 with DarkKnight & MisterMoonbeam. Had some very good sexy times with MisterMoonbeam too!

At different points during the day I messaged with my one cousin in Florida, and my nephew, and my late ex-brother-in-law’s girlfriend. They all wanted to discuss my health and I let them all know what was up.

I’m really hoping that I hear from the oncologist’s office tomorrow. I might not because of their being closed at the end of last week due to weather. I figure they’ll be playing catch up, so I’m thinking probably by Wednesday I can schedule an appointment, maybe?

But going to the courthouse tomorrow to drop off the divorce paperwork - I’m on the couch on my back, just feeling these waves of anxiety crash over me. It’s a lot like dizziness. I should probably get up and go to my room at this point.

It’s so strange - the dichotomy between laying here feeling sick over divorce papers, when earlier I spent about an hour searching out vow ideas and elopement locations with complete bliss. Is it healthy to have this up and down? The stress can’t be good for my health.
 
This morning I was on the couch, finishing up Love on the Spectrum show, when I decided to touch my stomach to see if I could feel anything weird. To be honest, I rub my stomach and stuff sometimes but I don’t get into deep massage or anything. Lol

Well, I found a big hard lump almost immediately. It was terrifying. Moving my hand, I then found a bunch of hard spheres - like grapes almost, but not so interconnected? Just all along a space. I then stopped because I knew none of that is normal.

I’m now in tears. I’m so scared.

I’m going to shower and then get dressed - I need to go to the courthouse today and I don’t want to do it. Thinking about severing my legal connection with DarkKnight just seems so wrong - I love him so much, and it means a lot to both of us. But touching my abdomen and knowing there are things there that don’t belong, and these things could kill me - it’s terrifying.

Navigating the necessity of separation is difficult enough but actually touching a part of my body and feeling parts that don’t belong - it’s just horrifyingly awful. Together it’s just a lot. Emotionally I don’t know how I am going to get through this.

I feel dizzy.
 
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I’m home and in my pajamas. I have a case number now. It’s done - I’ve filed for divorce from DarkKnight. It all feels so surreal.
 
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