How to find a girlfriend for a couple without freaking her out?

We just so happened to meet this girl and really click. My question was what's the best way to bring something like that up without freaking her out.
. . . by "add" . . . I mean someone to be in a relationship with us both, as friends or even more if that's what we all feel comfortable with.
Oh, well if it is really just friendship you are willing to develop with this woman, I would assume that you and your husband have figured out how to befriend people before - so why worry about "freaking her out?" No, obviously you have an ulterior motive - otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions.

Look, trying to get a woman to date a couple from the start, when it doesn't evolve naturally, usually ends in disaster. Again, do a search here and read the links provided if you want some insights by reading how so, so, SO MANY others came here asking the same questions you are and had everything blow up in their faces. Also, please take to heart the cautions against dating in the workplace that many have posted here.

First, I didn't feel the need to specify I'm looking for a woman not a "girl", obviously I'm not searching for someone underage.
I did not say that it sounded like you are looking for an underage person. I said it is demeaning to call women girls and if you want mature relationships, I recommended that you stop thinking of/referring to women as girls. Language and how you use it is important, as it reflects an inner attitude.
 
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Melissa, along with the good resources already posted, we've had a recent discussion on the appeal of an individual woman to a couple. You might see yourself in the discussion, or not, but in any case there are some interesting ideas. I, like, Kevin, ponder the prevalence of this particular desire. So many couples long for and search for an individual woman to join them in their home and in their bed.
 
I, like, Kevin, ponder the prevalence of this particular desire. So many couples long for and search for an individual woman to join them in their home and in their bed.

I think it has already been stated perfectly. Woman is bi, man fancies HAWT THREESOME SEX and they think this is the bestest way EVAH to avoid jealousy. Blessed ignorance.
 
I think it has already been stated perfectly. Woman is bi, man fancies HAWT THREESOME SEX and they think this is the bestest way EVAH to avoid jealousy. Blessed ignorance.

I question how many women in the seeking couple are truly bi. I'm wondering if most are just fearful, timid, unsure of their own preferences, not wanting to rock the boat or rock their own worlds.

???
 
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"I question how many women in the seeking couple are truly bi. I'm wondering if most are just fearful, timid, unsure of their own preferences, not wanting to rock the boat or rock their own worlds."

I wonder about that too. It seems like we see a lot more M/F couples where the male is (allegedly) hetero and the female is (allegedly) bi than we do the other way around.

It would be nice to not have to guess. That's why I asked MelissaBriana, because I wanted to hear what she had to say.
 
I question how many women in the seeking cothat was the are truly bi. I'm wondering if most are just fearful, timid, unsure of their own preferences, not wanting to rock the boat or rock their own worlds.

???

When my ex wanted to unicorn hunt it was because I wanted a girlfriend that was the only thing he felt he could accept because he would feel left out. He wasn't even okay with me having a girlfriend who had a male partner. The only way he would have been remotely okay with him not "being in on it" was if i had a lesbian girlfriend. Let's me tell you, married bi woman landing a lesbian is probably even harder than finding a unicorn
 
Urgh....SO much male insecurity, competition and sexual hangups regarding women being dirtied/soiled by other men in that mindset. :(
 
Agreed with virtually everything written here.

Whatever you intend or feel, your post reads as if you're looking for a new car and found the vehicle that suits your purposes.

PLEASE: ask your self, what do YOU have to offer to HER? Do YOU fit HER specifications? How are you going to make her life better?

I would suggest reading some threads here about how secondaries (which is what she would be, unless you're willing to demote yourself to being as equally disposable as a brand new girlfriend.) Also, do a tag search on secondaries.

I would suggest this thread about dating a neighbor. The same issues are there for dating a co-worker. Perhaps more so, because it's often easier to move than to get a new job--not to mention the potential HR nightmare.

My own experience is that after 2 years of dating someone with whom I shared some work, and a weekly avocation meeting, he's ended up finally quitting the group to which we both belong, and I've fired him from our small business.

Consider looking into how long poly outside relationship typically last. Statistically, it's highly likely to end within a couple of years, and even more likely to end within 5 years. That means you're looking at a VERY high likelihood of dealing with these work issues, and things getting awkward and messy.

Read in particular,newtoday's experience as a secondary. Consider the very real possibility that your husband may end up working with someone who feels much the same. You may end up knowing your husband is going to work with someone with whom he's fallen in love, and it might be just as much a struggle for you, as it was for her love's wife.

I honestly believe that as many secondaries get hurt by this...there are also a LOT of wives who were totally unprepared to see their husband REALLY fall deeply in love. The same thing happened to me, I believe. XBF's wife suddenly wasn't quite so poly, when she realized he saw me as more than a toy to entertain himself and shut him up while she was out with other men. Next thing I knew, there were constant 'change of plans' on her part, and I was expected to accept being groped in the back seat of a car on every single date. In short, she exercised a silent veto--just made things difficult for him and me until I got fed up and broke up with him.

Becoming friends first is good advice in its way. XBF and I were friends for 4 years before I got divorced. It's the only reason I agreed to go out with him. Not a chance in hell would I have gone out with a married co-worker who propositioned me to date him and possibly have sex with his wife.

But there's a flip side to dating a friend: part of the devastation to my XBF is the guilt he feels KNOWING that he hurt me and the even deeper devastation is that we WERE good friends already, and he and his wife have destroyed that friendship. He's lost my friendship, too, and that's devastating to him. He's OFTEN said in this last year that he wishes he'd never asked me out, because then he'd still have my friendship.

Consider, too, how these things affect your marriage. Are you ready for him to fall in love? Are you ready to no longer be the most important person in his life? Are you ready to treat this woman like an equal and valued human being with feelings, emotions, needs, wants?

As I asked at the beginning of the post:

What do YOU have to offer HER? How are you going to make her life better?

And last--if you even have to ask how to proposition this woman without creeping her out...well, honestly, that ought to say it all. Most women are going to be kind of creeped out by being invited to have sex with their married co-worker and his wife. And as someone else said, if this was really just about being friends with her, you wouldn't have had to ask. The two of you obviously want something else from her. [Side note: I'm pretty sure XBF's wife had some notion, before he asked me out, that she and I would be having sex and threesomes, and I still find it kind of creepy that she would even presume to expect that from me.]
 
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I'm curious, how did you get the idea to add a girl to your relationship? So many people get this idea, I have no idea why. There are other ways to do polyamory, ways with much better odds of success ...

When I was married, my ex h and I began to explore polyamory as dreaded "unicorn hunters." I was bi, he wanted threesomes, it seemed like a good idea.

But I was still hoping you could answer my question: How did you get the idea to bring a woman into a relationship with you and your husband? The MFF triad is something a lot of people seek, and I don't understand why it's such a popular idea. Did you hear about the concept somewhere? Was it something you thought of independently? Did anything lead up to the idea for you?

I can guess...its the same reason every couple wants a mff triad. Wife is bi or bicurious, her husband likes the idea of threesomes, neither partner is comfortable with the idea of the other getting all the sexy fun without being present so they decide to "share".

I think it has already been stated perfectly. Woman is bi, man fancies HAWT THREESOME SEX and they think this is the bestest way EVAH to avoid jealousy. Blessed ignorance.

I, like, Kevin, ponder the prevalence of this particular desire. So many couples long for and search for an individual woman to join them in their home and in their bed.

I wonder about that too. It seems like we see a lot more M/F couples where the male is (allegedly) hetero and the female is (allegedly) bi than we do the other way around.

It would be nice to not have to guess. That's why I asked MelissaBriana, because I wanted to hear what she had to say.

ECHO!!! echo... echo... echo...

There may be some merely bi-curious women who search for unicorns with their male partner, but in my case, I am really bi! I am so bi. I am now in a 6 years and counting live in relationship with my female partner. I really really wanted to love and have sex with a woman when I was first getting my feet wet in polyamory with my ex h. In fact, I find it easier to love a woman than to love a man. But men can be charming and I do like the sex with the penis and the muscles and the hairy bodies, etc.

I am so bi.:p
 
I suppose in a way I'm a bit of a unicorn. I met real and lady a few years back through a swinger site where we were all looking for some recreational sex. Then, there were feelings! Real and I have a very intense connection. And lady soon realized that she was not nearly as bi as she had thought. Or at least prefers casual sex rather than a romantic connection.

There were many times where I felt both rejected by her and/or as though I had invaded their space. She, on the other hand felt like she was a disappointment to us both while also struggling with Real and my NRE. Real felt pulled between the 2 of us. Needless to say not a triad.

We all worked this out and have a family style vee with lots of cuddles, but it took a lot of work and conversation and time. Also, we all had previous experience in various polyamorous iterations. So do research talk to poly people and recognize that nothing goes exactly as imagined once the rubber hits the road.
 
So maybe the idea starts with the MFF threesome fantasy that all men supposedly have? The rest of the "unicorn triad idea" falls into shape around that fantasy? It's what men are supposed to want, so they assume that they do want it?

Hard to wrap my mind around the idea that the unicorn triad could be so wildly popular without someone suggesting it to others. Is there an underground internet current where lots of people are saying, "We added an HBB to our marriage and it's great!" Do people repeat that testimony simply out of wanting to fit in? Is it some kind of emperor's-new-clothes type phenomenon?

Does it originate in swinging culture? "We've had lots of great MFF threesomes and now we'd like something a little more committed/emotional, but not too much more committed/emotional." Do swingers talk about that and suggest unicorn triads to each other?

The unicorn triad idea looks to me like a meme. Is it not a meme? Is it just a a whole lot of people getting the same idea at the same time? Does the MFF threesome fantasy (known even in monogamous circles) lie at the root of it?
 
I am guessing we lost the OP.
 
Probably. (Crap)

@ Natja ... porn?
Porn.
Porn! :)

Lemmie guess: Porn has a lot of MFF threesomes in it. Am I on the right track?
 
I don't know where the fantasy of being with two women or watching two women getting it on originated, but porn seems likely. When I was growing up and even into in my 20s and 30s, it was not such a big part of popular culture. Guys were not into it mostly because they didn't like the idea anyone being gay. I know group sex with men and women has always been around, and there were some really well done erotic/art films in the '70s (by director Randy Metzger - see The Lickerish Quartet, and Therese and Isabelle) but it seems like that fantasy of FMF hookups really ballooned in popular culture during the 90s. I never understood why Joey and Chandler always wanted to see Monica and Rachel kiss. In recent years, even, I've dated several guys who are still not that into it and find it boring. One told me he went to a swinger/sex club with a woman, and said, "But she turned out to be a lesbian so a lot of good that did me." LOL.
 
The 90's, eh. Same decade in which polyamory picked up some steam. That's an unfortunate coincidence ...
 
Well, I met my ex h in 1974 and he confessed he had a strong fantasy of being, not just with 2 women at once, but a whole bunch. I just think it's a "the more the merrier" kind of idea. A harem was his fantasy!

As a woman partnered with another cute woman, most of the men I've dated would love to get with both of us at once. It drives them nuts as a turn on just to know she is in the house when he and I are also together here and making love. No matter how much I tell them we date separately, plus my gf being shy and not as sexual as me, they can't let go of the fantasy.

Now, if I had a bf and he had a really hot bi husband, partner or roommate, don't get me wrong. I might fantasize about taking them both on at once as well. A MFM threesome is on my bucket list, but I am not obsessed with it.
 
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I don't know where the fantasy of being with two women or watching two women getting it on originated, but porn seems likely.

My sources tell me that the unicorn fantasy and the older woman fantasy are all the rage in porn. That, and anal sex which has become so vogue in porn, it's almost standard.
 
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