we're new here and asking for your insite

I think they're talking about the "other ex" -- not the "husband ex."
 
This so called gf has 2 "exes." One is the father of her child and one is some schlub who comes over, she lets him in (she can't say no apparently), and not only does he smoke in her house, he plays a video game she pays for, and also leaves his dog in her house when he goes to work. All against her wishes, which she can't seem to state and enforce.

Now, this couple comes along, and love her (somehow) while also calling her silly and stupid (to each other as a "joke" haha).

The husband is proud to see himself as her White Knight, his friends think he is a Tower of Strength, and that feeds his ego. *humblebrag* as the kids say these days.

The gf in question is obviously so unempowered in her life, despite having a job and owning a home, she lets her douche of an "ex" spend time with her, which she does not enjoy. The husband here wants to rescue her.

Gf might let him, I think. It seems she can't let go of an old sick relationship until she is somehow convinced to get into a new one (where she will be again thought of as silly and stupid).

The married couple has made out with her once and it made them feel like horny teenagers, and obviously want to go further sexually.

What a mess.
 
Wife here....


Now, this couple comes along, and love her (somehow) while also calling her silly and stupid (to each other as a "joke" haha).

Maybe just maybe CONTEXT was not understood. At no point have we called her stupid or silly - tho I can see where you might be confused, Mags- especially if you haven't read ALL of our posts.

The husband is proud to see himself as her White Knight, his friends think he is a Tower of Strength, and that feeds his ego. *humblebrag* as the kids say these days.

Also here, have you surfed over to the newest thread about Poly and Mental Health? He has had 15 years of dealing with my bipolar roller coaster - not that it would matter to you, but that road has been hell for both of us. Also - not that he should have had to say this but, the "patience of a saint" actually referred to MANY things that he has had to deal with.

The gf in question is obviously so unempowered in her life, despite having a job and owning a home, she lets her douche of an "ex" spend time with her, which she does not enjoy. The husband here wants to rescue her.

Gf might let him, I think. It seems she can't let go of an old sick relationship until she is somehow convinced to get into a new one (where she will be again thought of as silly and stupid).

Ok, I'm going to step out on a limb here. Its her choice to allow him in to her house and life, NEVER have we told her that she should drop him. Once again you have taken our words OUT OF CONTEXT.

The married couple has made out with her once and it made them feel like horny teenagers, and obviously want to go further sexually.

Has NO ONE every had that similar feeling after their first "sexual meeting"?? My Goddess, are we not allowed to be happy and giddy because we enjoyed a pleasant evening with our GF?? Of course a sexual path is something we'd like, but, we are both aware that she needs that part to be taken very slowly. Not that it is anyone's business - but NO sex has happened.

What a mess

Obviously you haven't a clue what we have been sharing, at the very least you have misread or gone out of your way to misquote us and to pick and choose sentences within our posts.

For such an "open" forum, and as a Senior Member, I'd say that you are not being very helpful. Just because our form of poly ship doesn't fit in with a generally broad thought pattern doesn't mean its any less important.
 
I agree with Kevin that there needs to be a talk about communication. Really, though, it doesn't sound like this situation is stable enough to move forward with either of you, let alone both of you, in a healthy way at the moment.

While I know the thought of a mutual GF is exciting, the configuration requires a lot of stability and understanding, and especially communication, on everyone's part. Currently, that's not happening, and there's no indication it's going to start (unless I've missed a more recent post).

My advice is to back off any notion of romantic interest for now, and go back to being her friend, and offering your help to her in a compassionate way that lets her know you care about her as friends, that there are no strings attached to your help, and that, for now, romance is off the table so she can focus on healing herself.

If she responds, gets the emotional help she needs, and your friendship continues to grow and blossom, then you can re-open the romantic ideas later.

It's exciting to think of a GF, and I know that no one wants to hear that backing off is the best option, but it's fairly clear that, right now, things aren't where they need to be for a healthy relationship to develop. So, why not enjoy her friendship and do what you would (I assume) do for other friends, and then revisit this if things improve?
 
How about taking the simplest approach?

You do not want the job. So that part is solved.

You wonder if GF/potential gf (I am not clear) wants to be included in big decisions like that at this time. I assume wife is on board with that.

How about about asking GF for future reference? Maybe she does not want to. Maybe she does. But you could ask so you can know what she wants at this time.

Talk about how you guys want to be together, and when. Maybe she wants to take it chill for a while as she sorts out the rest of her life first so she is more able to be a solid poly partner.

If now, talk about how you want to communicate, where you see this going, etc. You may hope for a triad, but what if it wants to be V? How do you see it ending if it has to end?

Take your time, but sort it out.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I agree with Kevin that there needs to be a talk about communication. Really, though, it doesn't sound like this situation is stable enough to move forward with either of you, let alone both of you, in a healthy way at the moment.

While I know the thought of a mutual GF is exciting, the configuration requires a lot of stability and understanding, and especially communication, on everyone's part. Currently, that's not happening, and there's no indication it's going to start (unless I've missed a more recent post).

My advice is to back off any notion of romantic interest for now, and go back to being her friend, and offering your help to her in a compassionate way that lets her know you care about her as friends, that there are no strings attached to your help, and that, for now, romance is off the table so she can focus on healing herself.

If she responds, gets the emotional help she needs, and your friendship continues to grow and blossom, then you can re-open the romantic ideas later.

It's exciting to think of a GF, and I know that no one wants to hear that backing off is the best option, but it's fairly clear that, right now, things aren't where they need to be for a healthy relationship to develop. So, why not enjoy her friendship and do what you would (I assume) do for other friends, and then revisit this if things improve?

Thank you...we have backed off on the sexual front. We are working with her as much as she will allow us to continue to build a solid friendship.
 
Wife here....

How about taking the simplest approach?

You do not want the job. So that part is solved.

You wonder if GF/potential gf (I am not clear) wants to be included in big decisions like that at this time. I assume wife is on board with that.

How about about asking GF for future reference? Maybe she does not want to. Maybe she does. But you could ask so you can know what she wants at this time.

Talk about how you guys want to be together, and when. Maybe she wants to take it chill for a while as she sorts out the rest of her life first so she is more able to be a solid poly partner.

If now, talk about how you want to communicate, where you see this going, etc. You may hope for a triad, but what if it wants to be V? How do you see it ending if it has to end?

Take your time, but sort it out.

Galagirl

Wow that has to be one of the best responses we've had. Thank you GalaGirl. those are almost precisely the things that we are doing.
 
... maybe CONTEXT was not understood. At no point have we called her stupid or silly - tho I can see where you might be confused, Mags- especially if you haven't read ALL of our posts.

Also here, have you surfed over to the newest thread about Poly and Mental Health? He has had 15 years of dealing with my bipolar roller coaster - not that it would matter to you, but that road has been hell for both of us. Also - not that he should have had to say this but, the "patience of a saint" actually referred to MANY things that he has had to deal with.

Wife, I read all of your posts except the post one of you made on the Mental Health thread (I did go and read it just now). I read where you've struggled with Bipolar illness, and I also read where your husband and you, between yourselves, called your "girlfriend" silly and stupid for her actions with her so-called ex. Or maybe your husband just thought the words silly and stupid and didn't actually say them to you. But he did say it on the board just recently. I don't claim either of you called her that to her face.



Ok, I'm going to step out on a limb here. Its her choice to allow him in to her house and life, NEVER have we told her that she should drop him. Once again you have taken our words OUT OF CONTEXT.

Nowhere did I read you told her to dump that douchecanoe, nor do I claim that, so that is a strawman argument.



Has NO ONE every had that similar feeling after their first "sexual meeting"?? My Goddess, are we not allowed to be happy and giddy because we enjoyed a pleasant evening with our GF?? Of course a sexual path is something we'd like, but, we are both aware that she needs that part to be taken very slowly. Not that it is anyone's business - but NO sex has happened.

Of course, sexy time, whether it's making out, or more, feels good. Especially the first time, it is overwhelmingly exciting. But there is a time when sex is appropriate, and a time where it isn't. I see now that you two have decided to stop pushing sex on your friend (threesomes or twosomes if husband goes out of state) that is sensible and kind. She seems to be not ready for that distraction when she is going through custody battles with the father of her child, seemingly for years, and can not establish healthy boundaries with the other guy either.


Obviously you haven't a clue what we have been sharing, at the very least you have misread or gone out of your way to misquote us and to pick and choose sentences within our posts.

No, I am just going by your own words, as a whole. I'd say it's you two who are having trouble seeing the forest for the trees, and that is probably why you asked for advice in the first place, and why you are now perversely resisting and defending yourselves against the advice and experience you have read here.

For such an "open" forum, and as a Senior Member, I'd say that you are not being very helpful. Just because our form of poly ship doesn't fit in with a generally broad thought pattern doesn't mean its any less important. [/B]

You might thank me later. Sure, your struggles are important. That is why you are getting so much advice, since your approaches to building a romantic, intimate, sexual relationship with this troubled woman seemed to be counterproductive to her health and to the comfort of your own frustrated selves.
 
You must be new to the internet if you expect everyone to post you on the head and blow smoke and rainbows at you.

This is a forum where folks are allowed to share their thoughts and opinions openly.

You are getting advice from folks who have years of poly experience under their belts. Many are trying to save you from heart ache yet you can't open your mind to the sage advice being offered to you.
 
Last edited:
Could Wife and Husband be willing to post from separate names? Rather than share the "WeWerentHunting" name?

It makes it hard for me (and maybe others?) to follow the thread.

From what I understand in the guidelines it is supposed to be every person with their own acct.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Could Wife and Husband be willing to post from separate names? Rather than share the "WeWerentHunting" name?

It makes it hard for me (and maybe others?) to follow the thread.

From what I understand in the guidelines it is supposed to be every person with their own acct.

Galagirl

GG, that has been requested, even from moderator NYCindie, and they have refused.
 
Ah, thanks.

I've missed that that bit of info while trying to make sense of it all.

Galagirl

Do a search for all their posts. They have been telling their story on several different threads. 2 different people telling the story under the same user name, claiming to be conferring on every post, yet the wife seems to be unaware of things her husband said (specifically about telling each other their female friend/potential sex/life partner is "silly and stupid").
 
fleshed out background and K has left the building

K and I weren't actively looking for someone when we met, although we were introduced by her middle sister who happened to be a friend of mine. Although we had discussed K's bisexualality and her desires to have a threesome and to share me with another, we chose to not venture out alone. We figured that we might find someone that we already knew that would be interested.

About 10 years ago we approached a friend of K's and had, what I now understand to be V fmf threesome with me as the hinge that was unfulfilling. This other woman changed her mind about her interaction with K and we accepted that and didn't push the matter. This was further complicated by a second "paired" experience with the same woman that left K completely out this time. From this experience we chose to be very careful with consideration as to who we might add/approach in the future.

We had all but given up on this thought when potential gf S contacted K through social media wanting to catch back up. They had gone to high school together and their paths had crossed a few times in the 17 years since.

They began spending "girly time" together by running errands and doing hair and nails etc together. K and S had not been intimate but they did have some conversation about the possibilities of (unknowingly at the time) what we now know to be a triad before I met S. After about a month of this I finally got to meet S and we spent group time together as my work schedule allowed.

We, K and I discussed with S things we'd thought of over the years and how we were growing closer together as a couple through our interrelations with S and how we'd like for that to continue developing our relationship with S. And we were reassured by S that she was interested in pursuing this with us.

One day after work i headed home, knowing S was with K, and considered greeting them both with not just a hug, as had been the practice, but a kiss as well. This was well received by both of them, and was later followed by a brief make out session during wjich i did my best to make sure i gave K and S as equal time as i could. And we had further discussions about where this could be going. Where as we all seemed agreed upon the concept of the potential of sexual activity, we also agreed that it would start with all of us.

We thought we'd "found our third." Not that we, K and I, felt we were missing anything in our lives but, we had found someone to share the next stage of our life with. We've always desired this situation and feel that referring to S as our third gives her, at the least equal footing as we would be three individuals that were becoming a greater whole so thusly we were all "thirds."

After being so browbeaten about "that" article, we've read it and almost understand why others may not believe us in what we've said so far. But that's on them. We know where we are and what we've done.

The only stipulation that we've made of our relationship so far has been one of respect. We are respecting her and her space and time. However, we don't feel we are being shown the same respect when she is unavailable unless she is in need of something. For better or worse we have given her, or she has taken, complete control of the triad.

K and I came here, after lurking a short period, looking for some fair advice about what to do about including gf S in a far reaching job offer that would take me away at what we (K and I) feel is a crucial time in our developing relationship. However, its a moot point since we've had to make this decision without gf S's input since she's not given us a chance to see or talk to her for nearly a week.

S has sent K a few texts but not replied to the couple I've sent. In turn, S has not replied back to K either unless she was getting the response she wanted. Currently, its been over 48 hours since K has last heard from S and that was an invite to visit during a limited, 2 hour window before S's "ex" J was due over.

And so here we are, struggling with the unknown. Feeling forced by S's hand to put out an ultimatum of sorts. We will no longer be ignored, but we are still here for her.

No matter what her decision, we will stand by her. If she wants to continue on with J that's fine, let us know. If she's not ready to be intimate with us that's fine too, just let us know. If exploring with us has brought her closer to J that's alright too (its personally happened to me before), just let us know. Even if she decides that she thinks she never wants to see us again we can be fine with that. But once again, let us know.

What was that? Does it seem like this post is unfinished? Yeah? I wonder why.
 
It sounds to me like you ask and want to know some stuff about how to be together -- some foundational things. (problem 1)

I see where you want to share stuff like "even thirds" but maybe she doesn't want to be an equilateral triangle with equal involvement in your life decision stuff like the job thing at this time. It's possible to have other shape triangles and be stable.

But all of you have to know what kind of shape it is you are all shooting for. On the same page for how you all agree to be together.

Right now, you are also not getting responsiveness in the way you would like. Calendar issues are problem 2 -- trying to set time to be together, communicating in timely fashion, etc. Like you would appreciate some answers or at least make a date to talk about this stuff so you know it is coming and your concerns were heard and will be addressed and some point. Not like left hanging out on a limb forever.

But problem 2 (timely communication, time management) has to be solved first before you can even begin to try to solve problem 1. You have to make the time and space for problem 1 problem solving to happen IN.

I hope you do make a date to talk that out and it gets sorted out.

If it turns out she expects mind readering and isn't communicating clearly so this can run well? You could decide the return is not worth the investment and you withdraw your own participation in it.

In a 3 people thing, your 100% is only about 33% of the fuel needed to run. If wife puts in her 100%, but GF is putting in zero? A total of 66% ish is a "D" if it were school. It's not likely going to feel good participating there with both of you "carrying her" in the relationship. You risk resentment/burn out. :(

I'm hoping for your sake it smooths out and it's just growing pains. And all partners will pull their weight in it.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Honestly, no one is going to be able to help you much more than GalaGirl did right now, because there's clearly a huge communication gap between you and your wife, and your potential GF. There's so many pieces missing because of that gap that it's impossible to know what may be going on with your GF.

It could be that she's only into one of you, and knows that she'll get her heart broken if she says that, because you're clearly a package deal (and so is biding her time trying to figure out what to do, etc.). Or, it could be that she is focused on dealing with her ex and her child. Or, that she's incredibly overwhelmed and has no idea where to begin. Or, that she is a using personality and you and your wife are simply a pleasant diversion when it's convenient, or people who will get her out of trouble. Or...well, you see what I mean. The possibilities are endless.

And, unfortunately, she doesn't actually have to tell you anything. You can't control others, just yourselves. So, why not set boundaries for what you will and won't participate in, and actions that correspond? For example, something like: "we chose to only participate in relationships where our lovers share their feelings openly with us. If, after a request for discussion is made, lovers do not agree to talk within X amount of time, we chose to not participate in this relationship." Clearly, it doesn't have to be that exact boundary, it's just an example. Take the focus off of her actions, since you can't change or control them, and bring the focus back onto what your choices.
 
I've proposed some times when I'd like to be in her neighborhood for a group bicycle ride and they could have a couple hours of girl time while I'm out, with the hopes of spending some time together before or after.

I/we are fine with being friends and taking things slowly and continuing the organic development but gf must be uncomfortable with something. She has made clear that when she's uncomfortable she backs away but, complete disconnect was not expected. We've gone out of our way to be available for her and to gently remind her that we are still here. And yet here we are.

My greatest frustration now in many ways is the way that K and I have been treated here and I hope there is some crow being eaten. I feel it is clear that we are not the evil UHs that we've been made out to be or we wouldn't be so torn up and distracted if we didn't have genuine compassionate feelings for this woman.

In will recognize a possibility of white knight syndrome but, I feel I'm looking up at Rapunzel and my armor is far more tarnished than white.
 
Last edited:
There's an old saying I am sure you're familiar with: The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. We're all guilty of this sometimes. The trick is to recognize it, and change your pattern. Again, you can't change your potential GF's actions. It sucks that she didn't react as you'd hoped or expected (because that always sucks), but it is what you have to work with. So, instead of the same reminders and suggestions for her behaviors, again, focus on your expectations, boundaries, and actions. You do not have to participate. Sometimes, that stinks, because you like the person and want things to work; but, they don't always work, and you can't force other people to behave in a way that would make them work for you. You can control what you do, and how you react.

State your needs, set your boundaries and what you'll do if those boundaries can't be met in a relationship, and follow through.

As far as eating crow, I don't see why that would be necessary. The commenters here were genuinely trying to be helpful, and asked for some help in return. One account with multiple people posting is confusing as all get out, is against community guidelines/recommendations, and also leaves the impression of couple vs. outsider (even if that wasn't intentional).

The article I suggested your read wasn't supposed to be a negative commentary on your current relationship. You asked for advice on triads and how things worked, and it's got some fantastic examples of dynamics (that are, frankly, useful for many relationship configurations). It also should have helped explain why people tend to take a cautionary stance about triads where a couple insists on dating as a unit, and your posting as a unit compounded those feelings. And, whether you see it or not, there was definitely some resonance with that article in your posts. For example, assuming a "play as a unit or no go" stance in sex and dating. It was what you and your wife had decided ahead of time that put your potential GF into a smaller box, because her options were "yes or no," with no ability to negotiate for what she needed without the stated outcome of losing the relationship. With every decision the two of you make for how her relationship with each, and both, of you must look, the box gets smaller. It's a very difficult thing for someone coming into the relationship to deal with, because negotiating against a united front is often frightening and difficult, and it's easy to get trapped into the "the couple comes first" attitude, as well. If you didn't get from the article that at least some of those things were happening, at least according to what you posted here, then I can't think of a clearer way to show you.

No one posted with malicious intent, and I believe all of us posted honestly and with integrity. Some of the posts were harsher than others, and some posters definitely disagree with various things said or done; but, that is part of posting on the boards: a variety of outlooks, options, and perspectives. We don't all like what we are told all the time, but sometimes it's those posts that help the most if we really take a look at what they're saying (they certainly have me!).

I've proposed some times when I'd like to be in her neighborhood for a group bicycle ride and they could have some girl time while I'm out with the hopes of spending some time too. I/we are fine with being friends and taking things slow and continuing the organic development but gf must be uncomfortable with something. She has made clear that when she's uncomfortable she backs away but, complete disconnect was not expected. We've gone out of our way to be available for her and to gently remind her that we are still here. And yet here we are.

My greatest frustration now in many ways is the way that K and I have been treated here and I hope there is some crow being eaten. I feel it is clear that we are not the evil UHs that we've been made out to be and that we wouldn't be so torn up and distracted if we didn't have genuine compassionate feelings for this woman.

In will recognize a possibility of white knight syndrome but, I feel I'm looking up at Rapunzel and my armoir is far more tarnished than white.
 
In your first post...

we have been reassured by gf that she is interested in devolping a ltr with us, at her pace

Then in this post...

I've proposed some times when I'd like to be in her neighborhood for a group bicycle ride and they could have a couple hours of girl time while I'm out, with the hopes of spending some time together before or after.

I/we are fine with being friends and taking things slowly and continuing the organic development but gf must be uncomfortable with something.

I will guess. I might guess wrong.

If you often suggest things like "I have a ride in your neighborhood. How about we all hang together before or after it, and then you and K have girl time together when I go ride?" a lot of the time... That doesn't sound like giving her breathing room and letting it be at her pace to me.

  • How often she hangs out with K.
  • How often she hangs out with you.

It could also seem like using (her hanging out with K) as a carrot to get your own foot in the door. Are you able to see that?

She's reached out to K recently -- could let it be. She's known K longer, it might just be easier to start there.

She will reach out to you when ready.

We've gone out of our way to be available for her and to gently remind her that we are still here. And yet here we are.

I wonder if you use "we" when you mean "I?" there? I could be wrong. But I get the vibe that you mean

"I've gone out of my way to be available for her and to gently remind her that I am still here. And yet here I am...still waiting."

Are you able to see how what you think is "reminding" could seem to her like you are "helicoptering? " And that could be pressuring for her?

To me you sound disappointed that "her pace" is taking longer than you hoped. Is that what it is?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top