Polyamory and the "cave".

Asparagus

New member
John Gray talks (in his very stereotypical books), about the concept of a man retreating into his cave when faced with a problem or having overwhelming amounts of intimacy.


I've found this cave concept helpful. Even if stereotypical.

If you know this pattern, and recognize it- what happens in poly? Does cave time happen with partners as a group, or individually?
 
What fun is a cave if you have to share it. :) I have my own bedroom and spend a lot of time cloistered in here by myself. Occasionally I get visitors (e.g. the other two people in this V), but I'm often better at communicating by email than in person even if the person I'm emailing is in the same house.

So yes, I could count as a "cave fan."
 
Everyone needs privacy. That man cave theory is just based on the fact that in many cultures, men are afforded more privacy than women and are not nearly as supported in their attempts to be emotionally vulnerable. No matter anyone's loving or living situation, everyone needs private and safe places to reflect, be quiet, find peace.
 
Boy, I really was unclear on that!

What I meant by "with one partner or all" was there is a specific pattern do withdrawal that is stereotypically male, where communication is minimal, and it's best just to leave the guy in question alone. It's triggered, in theory, by too much oxytocin, the bonding chemical, and the process of withdrawing let's other chemicals build up in the body. (Specifically, I think, testosterone, but don' quote me on that.) It lasts a few days, and then is done.

If this is a part of your relationships, does the guy in question withdraw from all partners, or just one.
 
If this is a part of your relationships, does the guy in question withdraw from all partners, or just one.

I think it depends on the man. My ex husband did need alone time after sex. But, he was also introverted and had a higher need for alone time than any other man I've been involved with. That said, he didn't withdraw emotionally like you're describing. If anything, we were usually closer emotionally after sex. He just needed some physical and mental space after.

My current partner, Blue, withdrew after sex early in our relationship. Mostly it was just a physical/mental separation like with my ex. Occasionally, it felt like an emotional separation, too. Our ex-gf also noticed the pattern (so I'm assuming it was fairly universal with him.) That very rarely happens now. When it does, I can almost always predict it because it happens when he's physically drained or on emotional overload.

ETA: Blue & I haven't discussed it so I'm not sure why it happened early in the relationship vs now. May just be because we are emotionally closer and our communication is much better now than then? Idk
 
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I think I should clarify. Blue's separations never lasted more than a few hours. Don't know if it matters but Blue has a high sex drive so a need for space that lasted longer than a couple hours would be counterproductive to frequent sex.
 
Re (from Asparagus):
"There is a specific pattern to withdrawal that is stereotypically male, where communication is minimal, and it's best just to leave the guy in question alone ... It lasts a few days, and then is done.
If this is a part of your relationships, does the guy in question withdraw from all partners, or just one?"

Well I only have one *partner* partner; the third person in my home is my metamour.

Nowadays I don't have to do much withdrawing, since I'm already in "my cave" most of the time anyway. And I have much fewer bad days nowadays, so I don't often feel the need to withdraw. Besides that I am usually willing to communicate about almost anything.

On the rare-to-occasional bad days/moments, if I'm not already in the cave I'll withdraw from everyone -- but keep monitoring my email box because I'm still willing to communicate by email. On the very rare bad, bad bad times, I withdraw straight to my bed and fall asleep, exhausted. If it's evening anyway I'm likely to be out until the next morning. Otherwise I might crawl from my bed to my email inbox after a few hours of sleep.

My metamour does (maybe once or twice a year) do the specific pattern you described. He's already not a strong communicator (usually limited to small talk), but then when he gets in a bad funk the communication shuts down altogether. Leaving him alone is then pretty much all we can do, and it does seem to last for a few days. Any number of things can trigger such a funk, including catching a cold.

On the other hand I'm a lot lazier than him, so I don't complain about his foibles. Usually he likes to be around other people; he's not the kind to spend a bunch of time in "his cave."
 
I don't know how much it's a guy thing related to the balance of oxytocin and testosterone, but that is an interesting theory.

However, I have been in relationships with 3 men who are Cancers (astrologically) and they all share a quality that is supposed to be common to Cancers: when they are with you, they are all in and ready to play hard, and then when they withdraw (under a rock like a crab) no effort from loved ones will bring them out until they are good and ready! It takes some patience to deal with this pattern, for me.

Luckily my gf is cuddly and very connected to me almost all the time!
 
Polyamory isn't actually much different from monogamy in terms of a partner needing respect, consideration, honesty, etc. If someone needs the time and space to be alone, why would their relationship configuration impact that? If a person in a relationship is a grown-up, I assume they know how to ask for what they want, and if their partner(s) are respectful and have empathy, why wouldn't they make room fot it? Just because someone is involved in more than one relationship doesn't mean everything they do has to be done as a group.
 
One of the reasons nate doesn't have secondary partners is he doesn't want to be obligated to spend time with someone. If one of his fwb texts because they want to hook up he can say no if he doesn't feel up to it. He's pretty selfish with his time actually

He also needs alone time in the house. It's just not the same for him to go elsewhere for alone time even though that's always an option. Nate won't even leave the house when the kids and I leave.

Sam gets plenty of alone time and he said he actually likes that when the kids and I leave he is alone to get stuff done. Seems like both guys benefit from this arrangement. I get plenty of alone time in the car and at work after clients are asleep and that is plenty for me.
 
My current partner is extremely introverted. He can manage about 3 days a week in ANY sort of social setting with 4 to himself-and I mean ALONE or he gets moody and anxious and has a pour attitude. More than 5 days a week in social settings and he is impossible.
We have worked out a schedule that allows us time together 3-4 days a week depending on his need to get away.
(I am extroverted and I spendthe time away socializing happily with the rest of the world)
 
We all share a bedroom, but we have a spare bedroom that we essentially use as the cave. It's where one of us goes if we need some space for whatever reason. Also, it is used for pair off sex as well when the third person in the group doesn't feel up to it. Sometimes me and the GF will sleep in there and let DH have the other bed when we need some snuggle time to connect etc. But point is we all need a place to go when we need it for whatever reason.
 
I LIKE this thread...!

I'm the most introverted in our house, and also the one that has to interact with the most "outside" people...like, all day every work day, go figure!

When it was just MrS and I, we ID'd one room of the house as "his" - to decorate, etc. as he wanted with no input from me. (man cave, if you will) and the rest was "mine" (within reason). BUT, he never minded other people in his cave (room) and I AM particular about people in mine (house).

Now it is the three of us and the boys have their room (cave) and I have mine...with the rest being shared. But the pattern still holds - they will invite anyone into their "cave", but I am particular about who can come in MY HOUSE (and my room - but mainly the HOUSE). With the exception of the boys, and Lotus, I don't like ANYONE in my house...if I want to escape from ANYone (boys and Lotus included) I can go for a drive - if sober, or a walk - if not.)
 
Polyamory isn't actually much different from monogamy in terms of a partner needing respect, consideration, honesty, etc. If someone needs the time and space to be alone, why would their relationship configuration impact that? If a person in a relationship is a grown-up, I assume they know how to ask for what they want, and if their partner(s) are respectful and have empathy, why wouldn't they make room fot it? Just because someone is involved in more than one relationship doesn't mean everything they do has to be done as a group.

What I was trying to figure out is what a pattern of withdrawal from me but not new partners or friends was meaning, without being bothersome to someone who obviously needed space. My first inclination when someone needs space is to consider it a normal guy cave time thing. I think I got it when we extended the space to a break-up.
 
Well that doesn't sound as much like a wish for solitude, as it does a wish to move oneself *from* the company of one partner (you) *to* the company of others (new partners or friends). Needing a break from one particular person is different from needing a break from people in general.

Perhaps there is more to this story? I hope I'm understanding it so far.
 
I came across the "cave" in the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" . I am dead set against it, if its just some macho, hide my head in the sand, not dealing with emotions place. I am really for it if its a place for reflection and learning.

Personally I cannot cope unless I get a small period of private time or personal space daily.
 
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