Coming Out to Family - timing and "how?"

icesong

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Staff member
So TheKnight and I are pretty openly poly - all our friends know, even distant acquaintances (or at least they *could* know); if his work found out it might be a little awkward but not tragic or career ending; I'm a freelancer, etc.

There's one major exception to that - family. My family is a non-issue; my father and I are estranged and I don't really have other family. TheKnight's family, though... that's a problem. Just to put things in context: for over a decade they lived several states away, our non-monogamy was casual relationships only, usually together, and we didn't have a child. So on all those fronts there was just no need to tell them, but still, we've been "hiding" this for a very long time, since before we were married.

Now, though... both my father in law and grandfather in law have serious medical issues (the latter has Alzheimer's and stage one melanoma, the former has liver disease and is recovering from a stroke), so they moved up here and live five minutes away. Which is fabulous for my three year old, and for TheKnight and I, and for them... but we're having a bit of a hard time maintaining boundaries / privacy. (Examples: showing up randomly at our house without calling first; being very pushy about finding out "why / what else we're doing" if we decline an invitation, etc.). I'm really tired of the lying / omission this entails if one or both of us have a date, and I'm kind of terrified that we're going to get outed inadvertently by one of those random visits.

Quite obviously we are going to have to come out. But my mother-in-law is sort of a brittle personality that always feels like there's too much going on, too much stress, etc... and there keep being moderate health crises here and there... and now she has the possibility of some serious health issues herself. So the timing is bad...

But the timing is ALWAYS bad.

So those of you who are out to family, how did you do it? And what did you do to make it go better? She's not religious, not really, though she was raised Catholic and still sort of thinks of herself as one. She DID marry her high school sweetheart so us not being monogamous will be a bit of a shock on that front. And I'm actually expecting a weird form of time jealousy where she feels like we're neglecting her by spending time with partners - we already get it a bit when we have plans with friends. (She didn't have many friends in Florida and doesn't have many here).

I hate being forced into this, to some degree - if she could just accept "don't come over without asking" and "sometimes we're busy and aren't going to tell you every detail of our lives" it would be SO much better.

tl;dr: how do you come out to someone who is way more integrated in your life than you're really comfortable with?
 
The Search function is your friend. If you take the time to do a search here and look through the results, you will find quite a number of threads on this topic - including one very long Master Thread called "Coming Out."

I am sure there are good suggestions in all of the numerous discussions already here.
 
Hi icesong,

The "Coming Out" thread can be found at: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=505#post505

It seems to me that you have more than coming-out problems; you also have problems with parents who won't respect your boundaries. "Don't come over without asking" is a perfectly reasonable request and it's rather pushy of them to dismiss it.

I guess it comes down to locking your doors and not letting them in, which may be a bigger headache than coming out to them, although I suspect even if you come out to them you'll still continue to have problems with them violating your boundaries.

[shrug] That aside, my guess is they'd be most receptive to hearing the news while sitting down with you in a low-stress atmosphere (when there isn't a bunch of other stuff going on). However, no matter how perfectly you stage the sit-down, they're likely to freak out.

In which case standard wisdom is to be very patient with them while they freak out for about a year. After they've had a year to get it out of their system, they should start to warm up to the idea. It least that's what usually happens. What they say usually happens.

I haven't come out to the vast majority of my old family/friends, so I don't have any personal experience in this matter. From reading on poly forums though I've heard of a lot of horror stories where the parents' reaction was somewhere between annoying remarks and questions, to extreme enmity. And from what I've read, it doesn't always end after a year. You could come out to your in-laws and they could be on the warpath for life.

Not much of a pep talk, I know. I'm just telling you what my observation has been from seven years of forum reading. Parents often, very often, react badly to that kind of news, no matter how skillfully it is presented. The only good news I can offer is that in most cases it does seem like the folks get over it after about a year.

In the meantime, brace yourselves. :(

Just in case, that is. It is possible you could get lucky.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think you don't have to come out if you don't want to. Whether you come out or no? I think you could set some senior boundaries. That's what I'm going to address in my response since I don't see it covered yet.

The problem of SENIORS.

(Examples: showing up randomly at our house without calling first; being very pushy about finding out "why / what else we're doing" if we decline an invitation, etc.)

Some of mine did that. I just stopped answering the door speedy. Call first, great. I let you in straight off.

Do not call me? You are gonna stand on my porch for a long while, and when I answer, I will say up front that I'm busy, I'm not playing today. I remember they complained that they drove all the way over to visit and I said "Yup. All the more reason to call ahead so you don't waste the time/gas." They didn't like it, and acted out, but they modified their subsequent behavior.

I do not explain when I have other plans other than saying "I have other plans. We can get together on X instead." Like... move it along. Some of mine were REALLY upset/jealous/envious of my classes, hobbies, friends, etc. Complaining about how the seniors are a low priority in my life. Well, my seniors feeling lonely and wanting to make me be their World is not healthy for them or for me. They have a place in my life, sure. But my #1 priority is taking care of me, and that requires balanced, healthy living. So no. Not even for them will I give that up.

IME? And IMHO?

Some seniors have not cut the cord and adjusted to their adult children. They cruised "empty nest" phase in denial mode. You are still "immediate family but just with extra kids." (the people you married, grandkids, etc). When really they are now "Family of Origin" extended relatives and your current "Immediate Family" is your spouse and kids and whoever else you choose.

Some seniors, are in what I think of as "the social skills downward spiral." They get older, stop participating in work or community things. Their social skills get rusty as a result. Then when they DO come out to play, they are gauche. They get embarrassed and engage less. Then rust even more. Then when they come out are more gauche. They get kinda cling-on to their "safe people" which is usually their kids and other family.

Some seniors have the "entitlement" thing of age. Like "I'm old now, so I don't give a flip." And while self confidence is a good thing, it can go to far -- like behaving in jerk ways toward people. Or the "I'm old now, the world revolves around me. Revere me, I'm your elder."

Some seniors are on the slow mental health decline. Before anything can be dx'd there's this slow erosion of... logic, sense, skills, abilities, etc. Maybe an increase in other things -- impulsiveness, forgetfulness, emotional disregulation, etc. It gets harder for them to process disappointment and they need help like a little kid. Help processing, redirecting, reminders they will be included on ____. Or they forget to take care of basics -- they may need to eat, sleep. But aren't remembering to do so in timely fashion and are being all cranky pants as a result. You mention having one with Alzheimer -- as that advances you may deal more in that stuff and need to look for the feelings behind the words and not trip up on the words too much. It's like static on the radio -- you have to listen harder for the message when it comes packaged in fusspot.

There are other types of seniors, I'm sure.

I'm not sure what types of seniors you deal in ... but whatever you choose to do about the coming out thing?

Def address the senior boundaries/privacy thing. I've found that "firm but fair" works best. Almost like dealing with preschoolers -- they will test the limit over and over, and the only solution is to play the broken record and be firm but fair. Consistent.


I hate being forced into this, to some degree - if she could just accept "don't come over without asking" and "sometimes we're busy and aren't going to tell you every detail of our lives" it would be SO much better.

Everyone needs to have their own space and their own privacy. That is what you want, so enforce it.

She doesn't have to "accept it" or "like it." Besides, that's all her behavior to do.

Your behaviors are yours to do:

  • Whether or not you open the door or HOW you open the door is your behavior.
  • You speaking up with "I have plans already. How about X date instead?" is your behavior.
  • If she pushes, it's your behavior to state your limit and redirect "I see you want more details at this time, but I'm not up for that right now. Sometimes we're busy. Sometimes we're not going to tell you every detail of our lives. Energy for extra conversation just isn't there at the moment. Right now, I see you want to be included, and I want to include you. Would you like to get together on X instead? Let's put energy into sorting calendars conversation."
  • If she keeps pushing anyway? It's your behavior to hang up. "I have told you where my conversation energy lies at this time. I have tried to sort calendars with you. You do not want to. You keep taking it to other places. I will hang up now to conserve energy. You can call when you are ready to sort calendar and stay on topic."

If she gets stroppy hearing the truth about where your energies lie at this time with her? Her issue. It is not being mean to exercise personal boundaries and state limits. People are not mind readers. You have to say what they are for them to know.

As for accepting... Mine certainly never did! They just changed the tune from fussing about wanting to come over whenever they felt like it to fussing about how "rigid and strict" I am.

I play along and go "Yep. I have to be at my age with work and school schedules. You are lucky footloose retired at your age, huh?" :rolleyes:

Galagirl
 
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I do not explain when I have other plans other than saying "I have other plans. We can get together on X instead." Like... move it along. Some of mine were REALLY upset/jealous/envious of my classes, hobbies, friends, etc. Complaining about how the seniors are a low priority in my life. Well, my seniors feeling lonely and wanting to make me be their World is not healthy for them or for me. They have a place in my life, sure. But my #1 priority is taking care of me, and that requires balanced, healthy living. So no. Not even for them will I give that up.

Thanks @GalaGirl - I had a long conversation with TheKnight about setting boundaries, etc, and we'll see what happens - you're right that that's actually the problem, not coming out or not.

My particular flavor of seniors, by the way, is a combo of what you said above; the "not cutting the cord" thing - there are generations of precedence here, on both sides, unfortunately; and a streak of "woe is me, my son/grandson/daughter-in-law are the only good things in my life". Fun...
 
I hope you and Knight can sort out boundaries and enforce them.

Sounds like one leads to the other with the elders.

If the seniors have "woe is me, my son/grandson/daughter-in-law are the only good things in my life"... that doesn't make them eager to cut the cord and begin to explore other stuff in the community, make new relationships, etc to see what else out there could be good.

How long have they been in the area? Are they not getting out there to mingle? Be it senior centers, place of worship, volunteering, classes at the library or whatever? Do they not know where the stuff is?

You might find you firm it up in some places, and help get them to stuff to other places. Like maybe you don't mind attending a ceramic class at the senior center or bowling league to help them break the ice. Or showing them where the community news things are announced and go to a food festival at the park so they learn the layout.

Help to start, and then bow out and leave them to it?

Galagirl
 
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My wife and I shared our life with our girlfriend for most of our 40+ year marriage. We never felt the need to come out as poly and the women never felt the need to come out as bisexual. We just lived our lives and probably because my wife and our gf were married, no one said anything. They all assumed that our girlfriend was just my wife's close friend who stayed us a lot. To this day, only people on forums know about our life and sexuality.

We did not hide our lifestyle but we did not go around talking about it either. We shared the same friends with our girlfriend's husband so when at social events, our gf was with her husband but sitting at our table. I always respected her marriage so we just carried on. Those who visited us and saw our gf there, just assumed that she was a frequent houseguest.

No one ever asked us any questions. We would have told the truth if asked but no one asked. When we went out to clubs or restaurants we were an obvious threesome with benefits. We never hid it in public. We went to local clubs so there was always the chance of someone we knew seeing us. We did not care. We even often asked for an extra invite for our gf to weddings with the promise of making it worthwhile for the bride and groom. All I would say is that we would like an extra invite for my wife's girlfriend who is staying with us that week or else we could not come.

We found a way to live our life without telling anyone or denying anything. We felt that no one had a need to know how we lived. It worked for us. My parents are old fashioned. My dad thinks the bad weather we are having is because god is mad because gay people can now get married. So I never thought it would serve any purpose to tell him that my wife is bisexual and we share our bed with her girlfriend. :)
 
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