So a year ago my partner and I decided we wanted to be monogamous with eachother. He was with someone and I was with someone who was in prison.
During our whole relationship he would always complain about his partner and all their drama to me all the time, but they would never talk to eachother about it. And she told me all this crappy stuff she did like cheat on him before they were poly. But I stayed out of it because I felt like it was their business not mine. During my whole relationship with him he was always saying that I'm the most important person to him now and that he wanted to be just with me and he would probably be super upset if I had sex with anyone else and wasn't sure if he could handle it. (I wasn't having sex with anyone else because my other partner was sent to prison for 5 years)
eventually I kinda came around and realized I wanted to be monogamous with him too, and as soon as I told him that he freaked out and got super cold feet. Meanwhile his partner was already expecting him to break up with her because he kept saying cryptic things like I still love you but things are different and stuff like that. So eventually he said he was going to break up with her, he was just scared to do it, but on the day he was going to do it she told him that something bad had happened to her recently and she was really upset.
As soon as she told him that it felt like he completely just stopped considering my feelings at all. I had told him a few weeks earlier that I couldn't talk about his partner with him anymore because it was making me upset and stressing me out and after this happened he kept me up all night for like 2 nights talking to me about what happened and would say I was punishing him when I would get upset for him not respecting my boundaries with that topic. Then when she said she didn't want to hear about me he was just like ok. It felt so unfair
. It felt like there were a million double standards between me and her.. Eventually he broke up with her a few days later and I get that he did it because he wanted to be with me and that he put it off so that he didn't make her already bad situation worse. The thing I'm upset about is that it felt like he dropped all loyalty to me during that break up to keep his loyalty to her. Like any feelings I had didn't matter as much and his feelings and her feelings. He wouldn't reassure me and he would be super mad with me because he felt like I wasn't being supportive enough (of him) and he focused all his energy on supporting her, but no one gave a crap about how I felt. It made me feel like he would never love me as much as he loved her, even though I was the one he wanted to be with.
We have talked about it recently and he has apologized but I still just can't shake the feeling that whole situation gave me that I will never be as good as her and he will never love me that much. I didn't feel this way during the whole time we were poly, just during and after the breakup. It didn't bother me that he wanted to do the breakup in a respectful way, be her friend, and be there for her. It's the fact that for some reason that meant treating me like crap, and on top of that, treating me like crap for someone who treated HIM like crap! I have tried to get over it but I just don't know what I need to do. A spiteful part of me wants to date someone else so he knows how it REALLY feels to be poly and not just having some non threatening guy in prison that I see once a month. And another part of me wishes something bad would happen to me so he would feel like a jerk or something. I just feel like he never really made it up to me or something. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just want to be happy and move on but I feel like my sense of trust and security is shattered. I don't want to break up because in every situation other than that he is the nicest sweetest guy in the world and I really do love him. Any advice?
During our whole relationship he would always complain about his partner and all their drama to me all the time, but they would never talk to eachother about it. And she told me all this crappy stuff she did like cheat on him before they were poly. But I stayed out of it because I felt like it was their business not mine. During my whole relationship with him he was always saying that I'm the most important person to him now and that he wanted to be just with me and he would probably be super upset if I had sex with anyone else and wasn't sure if he could handle it. (I wasn't having sex with anyone else because my other partner was sent to prison for 5 years)
eventually I kinda came around and realized I wanted to be monogamous with him too, and as soon as I told him that he freaked out and got super cold feet. Meanwhile his partner was already expecting him to break up with her because he kept saying cryptic things like I still love you but things are different and stuff like that. So eventually he said he was going to break up with her, he was just scared to do it, but on the day he was going to do it she told him that something bad had happened to her recently and she was really upset.
As soon as she told him that it felt like he completely just stopped considering my feelings at all. I had told him a few weeks earlier that I couldn't talk about his partner with him anymore because it was making me upset and stressing me out and after this happened he kept me up all night for like 2 nights talking to me about what happened and would say I was punishing him when I would get upset for him not respecting my boundaries with that topic. Then when she said she didn't want to hear about me he was just like ok. It felt so unfair
. It felt like there were a million double standards between me and her.. Eventually he broke up with her a few days later and I get that he did it because he wanted to be with me and that he put it off so that he didn't make her already bad situation worse. The thing I'm upset about is that it felt like he dropped all loyalty to me during that break up to keep his loyalty to her. Like any feelings I had didn't matter as much and his feelings and her feelings. He wouldn't reassure me and he would be super mad with me because he felt like I wasn't being supportive enough (of him) and he focused all his energy on supporting her, but no one gave a crap about how I felt. It made me feel like he would never love me as much as he loved her, even though I was the one he wanted to be with.
We have talked about it recently and he has apologized but I still just can't shake the feeling that whole situation gave me that I will never be as good as her and he will never love me that much. I didn't feel this way during the whole time we were poly, just during and after the breakup. It didn't bother me that he wanted to do the breakup in a respectful way, be her friend, and be there for her. It's the fact that for some reason that meant treating me like crap, and on top of that, treating me like crap for someone who treated HIM like crap! I have tried to get over it but I just don't know what I need to do. A spiteful part of me wants to date someone else so he knows how it REALLY feels to be poly and not just having some non threatening guy in prison that I see once a month. And another part of me wishes something bad would happen to me so he would feel like a jerk or something. I just feel like he never really made it up to me or something. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just want to be happy and move on but I feel like my sense of trust and security is shattered. I don't want to break up because in every situation other than that he is the nicest sweetest guy in the world and I really do love him. Any advice?
Last edited: