Went from poly to mono, how do I get over bad feelings from the breakup?

Cursejar

New member
So a year ago my partner and I decided we wanted to be monogamous with eachother. He was with someone and I was with someone who was in prison.
During our whole relationship he would always complain about his partner and all their drama to me all the time, but they would never talk to eachother about it. And she told me all this crappy stuff she did like cheat on him before they were poly. But I stayed out of it because I felt like it was their business not mine. During my whole relationship with him he was always saying that I'm the most important person to him now and that he wanted to be just with me and he would probably be super upset if I had sex with anyone else and wasn't sure if he could handle it. (I wasn't having sex with anyone else because my other partner was sent to prison for 5 years)
eventually I kinda came around and realized I wanted to be monogamous with him too, and as soon as I told him that he freaked out and got super cold feet. Meanwhile his partner was already expecting him to break up with her because he kept saying cryptic things like I still love you but things are different and stuff like that. So eventually he said he was going to break up with her, he was just scared to do it, but on the day he was going to do it she told him that something bad had happened to her recently and she was really upset.
As soon as she told him that it felt like he completely just stopped considering my feelings at all. I had told him a few weeks earlier that I couldn't talk about his partner with him anymore because it was making me upset and stressing me out and after this happened he kept me up all night for like 2 nights talking to me about what happened and would say I was punishing him when I would get upset for him not respecting my boundaries with that topic. Then when she said she didn't want to hear about me he was just like ok. It felt so unfair
. It felt like there were a million double standards between me and her.. Eventually he broke up with her a few days later and I get that he did it because he wanted to be with me and that he put it off so that he didn't make her already bad situation worse. The thing I'm upset about is that it felt like he dropped all loyalty to me during that break up to keep his loyalty to her. Like any feelings I had didn't matter as much and his feelings and her feelings. He wouldn't reassure me and he would be super mad with me because he felt like I wasn't being supportive enough (of him) and he focused all his energy on supporting her, but no one gave a crap about how I felt. It made me feel like he would never love me as much as he loved her, even though I was the one he wanted to be with.
We have talked about it recently and he has apologized but I still just can't shake the feeling that whole situation gave me that I will never be as good as her and he will never love me that much. I didn't feel this way during the whole time we were poly, just during and after the breakup. It didn't bother me that he wanted to do the breakup in a respectful way, be her friend, and be there for her. It's the fact that for some reason that meant treating me like crap, and on top of that, treating me like crap for someone who treated HIM like crap! I have tried to get over it but I just don't know what I need to do. A spiteful part of me wants to date someone else so he knows how it REALLY feels to be poly and not just having some non threatening guy in prison that I see once a month. And another part of me wishes something bad would happen to me so he would feel like a jerk or something. I just feel like he never really made it up to me or something. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just want to be happy and move on but I feel like my sense of trust and security is shattered. I don't want to break up because in every situation other than that he is the nicest sweetest guy in the world and I really do love him. Any advice?
 
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Transitioning from poly to mono is not easy, especially if one of you is actively dating someone else as well. There will be weird things happening with loyalty that are not easy to predict.

Not sure if I have advice per se, in our case my husband found out he wanted to live mono and left our relationship, leaving me to date my boyfriend alone. We are still not sure that will be the end of it, but for now he has opted out. Even if for a while he was the one having a messy relationship with his gf.

I think part of the problem is that you cant really transition from poly to mono without talking about what happened and what should happen, but at the same time those talks are difficult, painful and maybe not even what everyone wants.

He dated someone in a rocky relationship. He needed time to process. He might need to be able to talk to you about it - even if you set the time and pace.
 
Hi Cursejar,

It sounds like you should stay with your partner, after all he is the nicest guy other than that one little (or not-so-little?) thing, and you do love him. Maybe the thing to do is get some professional therapy/counseling. In the meantime you should tell him that he needs to make things up to you, even if you don't know how. Perhaps little things like bringing you flowers and giving you foot massages would help. I'm just kind of picking stuff at random here.

Sorry you are hurting.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am very sorry you struggle with this. :(

I mean this kindly, ok? It may be hard to hear. I'm not trying to make a tough time worse. :eek:

During our whole relationship he would always complain about his partner and all their drama to me all the time, but they would never talk to each other about it. And she told me all this crappy stuff she did like cheat on him before they were poly. But I stayed out of it because I felt like it was their business not mine.

If he has spent this whole time using you as his "emotional dumpster" and you "stayed out of it" -- does that mean you said nothing at all? Or does that mean you asked him to STOP telling you things about his other partner and he wouldn't listen/respect your limit?

Did you ask her to stop telling you things about him? Kinda sounds like she also made you be her "emotional dumpster."

Being a kind friend and listening once in a while is ok.

If what they need to cope is a therapist or to stop doing things that stress them out in the first place? And instead they try to to turn you an "emotional dumpster" or "life raft"? That's sucking you under and NOT appropriate. You are well within your rights to say "No, I will not do that."

This bit...

I had told him a few weeks earlier that I couldn't talk about his partner with him anymore because it was making me upset and stressing me out and after this happened he kept me up all night for like 2 nights talking to me about what happened and would say I was punishing him when I would get upset for him not respecting my boundaries with that topic. Then when she said she didn't want to hear about me he was just like ok. It felt so unfair

... reads a bit out of order to me. I am going to take the liberty of arranging it so I can understand it in chronological order of events. You correct me if I get the order wrong, ok? I quote just to visually block it off.

  • I had told him a few weeks earlier that I couldn't talk about his partner with him anymore because it was making me upset and stressing me out.
  • After I told him that, he still kept me up all night for like 2 nights talking to me about what happened with her.
  • When I would get upset for him not respecting my boundaries with that topic?
  • He would say I was punishing him.
  • When she said she didn't want to hear about me? He was just like "ok."
  • It felt so unfair. He respected her boundaries but not mine.

If that's how it went down? How is that part in bold respectful behavior? Love is not enough in a relationship. There must also be respect, trust, and other things.

When you set a boundary of not wanting to talk about his partner with him any more? Rather than respect that limit, sounds like he continued. He puts his need to unload ahead of your need for peace or your basic need to just SLEEP.

When you would get upset with him over this poor behavior? Rather than apologize and stop doing it, he would say you are "punishing" him for not letting him use you as emotional dumpster whenever he wants any time of the day or night?

I don't see how that is respectful either. :(

Like any feelings I had didn't matter as much and his feelings and her feelings. He wouldn't reassure me and he would be super mad with me because he felt like I wasn't being supportive enough (of him) and he focused all his energy on supporting her, but no one gave a crap about how I felt. It made me feel like he would never love me as much as he loved her, even though I was the one he wanted to be with.

That's not fun to feel. But I basically think you call it right. :(

Your feelings don't matter. You are there to serve him as the emotional dumpster. Like a wastebasket. So he can unload and feel better. It's not about you feeling good.

It didn't bother me that he wanted to do the breakup in a respectful way, be her friend, and be there for her. It's the fact that for some reason that meant treating me like crap, and on top of that, treating me like crap for someone who treated HIM like crap!

If he's always used you for emotional dumpster throughout your whole relationship with him, why would this break up change that behavior any? He hasn't changed how he's treated you.

I think what this break up has done is help you see more clearly. That's what's changed. You now see his behavior in a new light and are able to recognize it as treating you like crap. You don't like it.

And because you love him, it's hard to deal with seeing/knowing he treats you poorly. It's hard to keep believing someone loves you back if they treat you poorly.
It's hard to come to realize that maybe they do not love you. That maybe they love the services you provide that they can GET from you.

We have talked about it recently and he has apologized

How sincere was that? Or is that saying whatever to you just to he gets "services" turned back on from you? :confused:

What did he say would change in his behaviors in future? Because I only hear he apologized. To me the process goes...

1) Apologize for doing the poor behavior of _____. (to show you know what behavior was unacceptable)

2) Ask for forgiveness. (Knowing the other person could choose to forgive or not.)

3) Ask for opportunity to make amends. ( List what behavior you will be doing to make restitution/be doing differently in future. Knowing the other person may or may not be interested in continuing with you or your amends. They may wish to just be rid of you because of your poor behavior.)

4) Actually make good on your Word (If the person has decided to allow you opportunity to make amends.)​

At this time you sound like you want the poor behavior to stop because you don't want to break up.

  • You could ask him to stop with the poor behavior and start doing ____ instead. Make specific requests for behavior and what he needs to do to make amends. He can help rebuild trust by actually respecting your boundaries this time and doing the requested behaviors. Not just lip service, but ACTIONS to show he's turning over a new leaf with you.
    • If he fails to do so and continues to treat you poorly?
    • Or does just enough to get "services turned back on" and goes back to old ways?
      • Then you will have to reconsider parting ways so you can get off the hamster wheel and actually feel better long term. Not "same old song, different day." That is a natural consequence YOU can do.

You could go on down the line.

Because if someone doesn't stop dinging you even after you ask them to? You cannot make them. They control their behavior, not you.

The only thing you can do is get out of the way so new dings don't happen. Because you can control YOUR behavior and YOUR "stayingness."

Again, I'm sorry you deal in this. :(

Since you want it to work out, I will hope he is sincere about turning over a new leaf with you and making amends. I hope when you list what specific behaviors you want him to stop doing and what behaviors you want him to start doing... he actually follows through.

Galagirl
 
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I just want to put something out there that may or may not apply.

Being in a bad relationship (your partner and his partner) can take it's toll on a person. Sometimes that person may need to concentrate on the problem at hand, to work through it and resolve issues. That may cause them to be a not so great partner to you at least temporarily. I think most people lack the capacity to turn off a portion of their life to deal with other things. I don't think that makes him less loyal to you, though I can see how you might interpret it that way. Breaking up with someone can be very traumatic, even when it's a good thing.
 
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