It is living a lie if the person who is poly feels it is, regardless of whether you or I or anyone else does.
The op responded to Galagirl's suggestion that maybe just having his girlfriend know he's poly and accept that and remain closed would be enough with a reply that he doesn't think that will be enough, that he feels like this is something he needs to live to be happy. So I'm confused where you've gotten the idea that he ever said he didn't need to live it.
I spent several years medicated and in therapy because of issues with how my husband was going about being poly. I spent a good portion of a year of that time passively suicidal, which is still occasionally an issue. I haven't been a gay teen, so you're right, I don't know for sure, but I have been suicidal due to poly issues, so I don't think it's as far apart as you think. And when your entire social group is made up of poly people, there is certainly an element of peer pressure to accept that poly is perfect and you are the weird one.
ETA: there's also a hell of a lot of peer pressure if your entire social group is mono and you aren't that you're either crazy or a bad person. And that peer pressure is backed up by popular movies, songs, books, etc.
I appreciate CTF's contributions to this thread! And I don't see any reason why the op would block him.
It's about sharing and within hopefully finding a better direction...
No...I don't think you've been blocked.... It was another posters informative suggestion... To the OP
CTF, I completely understand what you're saying here, and support your right to say it, but I don't think it is being received in the spirit you intended.
I've always thought that poly is one of the things that warrants figuring out if it is something you are cut out for before you try it.
People's emotions and well being sometimes are tied up in romantic relationships. So attempting a new way of going about them isn't like trying something like a new hobby. Your tennis coach is unlikely to be upset if you decide tennis isn't your think.
A new and current partner are likely to be more affected.
Further - I think you can have a good stab at figuring out if you are cut out for poly without doing it.
I think it has gone past the point of a spirited discussion.
I've always been confused by the common wisdom that once you go poly, you never go back. There are plenty of members on this board - a few on this thread even - who tried poly and decided it wasn't for them, or at least it wasn't what they wanted at this point in their lives.
I respectfully disagree, although your POV is also appreciated.
I think that so long as personal insults are not thrown around, the discussion in quite fruitful. There's a lot of emotion in this topic, for all of us, and rightly so. It hits home for many of us.
I thank the mods for not stepping in and for allowing us adults to talk as adults do and moderate our own adult discussion. This forum community never ceases to amaze me in the quality of discourse, the ability to communicate in written form and the depth of thought with which members form their posts. I'm really proud of this discussion and I thank CoolName for letting us have it here.
Sadly, I suspect this thread has further depressed CoolName and caused him to leave or at least take a break. The conversation may have been enjoyable for a mono person who says he is "dead inside," apparently living in a dead and distant relationship full of resentment towards his poly wife, and for other monos (here, on a board that is supposed to support polyamory!), but sadly I think it's done CoolName a disservice. Personally, I am upset for him. Conversations about opening up don't usually go this way on this board.
But what's done is done.
I reiterate, in case CoolName is reading here without posting, and for other people lurking, who feel they are poly and want to Open a relationship, to take courage that it can be done without killing your own soul or the soul of your partner. It takes skill and patience.
For the skills and tools, read the books More Than Two, and Opening Up.
And I would recommend that we all consider divorce can be healthy when partners grow, change or actualize over the years. Life is about change. Humans live a long time these days. Clinging to a dead lifestyle for 5 or 6 decades, stubbornly living with a partner whom you resent and even hate, is wasting your time and your life on earth. (In my spiritual practice, it is an affront to my gods.) If you're staying together for the kids, know that you're setting a bad example for them in how to do a relationship. Two parents who are constantly fighting, or cold and distant: is that what you want for your kids to find "normal" and to seek when they are teens and adults?
"The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation."
"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death."
I am one of these people. I am open to poly for sure, but I don't claim to be poly. It's an option for me, not a way of life.
I dropped the poly bomb on my husband and we ultimately split, but not really because of poly after all. There were deeper issues and "I'm poly" just became the lighting rod. Truth is, there were many more reasons I needed to leave the marriage, much of which I am still in the process of understanding with the help of a therapist, Al-Anon, yoga, meditation, etc. etc. etc. I don't know if the poly-bomb in and of itself can destroy a relationship, so much as the dropping of it reveals many more underlying issues that monogamy never brought to light.
And you are more than welcome to your opinion. I however, do strongly disagree with your assertion that, 1: this board serves the purpose of "supporting " polyamory. From what I've understood, it's about discussing it.
And for someone who claims to be so much on board with inclusiveness, I'm quite taken aback that you would even suggest that I don't have a place here.
Just maintain my place on the old "struggling mono" thread where I belong, and let you poly folks continue your business? Is that really where you are with this?
Look, I get it. You dealt with hiding it, and regret it. Fair enough. You also had a much stronger urge to act on it than my wife claims to have. For her, poly wasn't necessary. Yet, if she decides it is, then we part ways & she could do whatever her heart desires, with who ever. What's truly fascinating though, is you lecturing me for having the exact same marital fate that I would have had if she insisted on acting on it. The only difference, is that I have zero intent on finding other partners like your ex husband did. And every time this topic comes up, you claim that it's possible that they may be closeted poly. You have to know that such a situation is a thousand time more rare than mine right?
As for coolname, I don't take back a word of advice I've given. The ONLY disservice that's being done, is the one he's doing to himself by only seeking out opinions that pat him on the head & tell him what a good boy he's been.
You are right about one thing though... Divorce doesn't have to be so painful, and that is an option. Fortunately, they don't have kids so it's less stressful than it could be otherwise.
It's for discussion, sure. Is it for bashing poly people to the point where they feel you've been "cruel?" Was it necessary to come down quite so hard on our new member, knowing you yourself have experienced soul death and yet choose to stay with your poly wife?
This forum is one of the few places on the net where poly folks, especially newbies, can come for "support." They probably don't expect to get told how terrible they are being to their spouses.
Perhaps not everyone confronted with a partner who becomes in touch with their poly nature is "dead inside" as a result. Perhaps some are not quite so bitter. Perhaps some take a more healthy journey when faced with this kind of information. Instead you've projected your inner "death" onto Coolname's gf, telling him in so many words, it's impossible for this ever to work out with them. You have no way of knowing that. We all speak from our experiences, but of all the posters I've read here, no one clubs others over their heads quite as hard as you, eschewing all other qualifying viewpoints or possible outcomes.
I'm not sure I am so "on board with inclusiveness." Where did you read me to say that? I think monos here walk a fine line, sharing their views while knowing this is a board that supports polyamory, not the mainstream default of monogamy.
...
Not necessarily, but you took it too far... to the point our new member called you "cruel." Does that not give you pause? I am advocating for him here, not my own views.
I don't understand what you're getting at here and I think it would be unhelpful to pick it apart, so I am going to let it be.
Oh, you have no responsibility? I see it otherwise.
And you are willing to live "dead inside" for the "benefit" of your children, when you could divorce, since just the knowledge your wife is a non-practicing poly has "killed" you. You could divorce anyway, live single, or find a mono partner, but you've chosen not to. And yet you're giving relationship advice.
I've always thought that poly is one of the things that warrants figuring out if it is something you are cut out for before you try it.
I don't have a TON of friends because I'm sorta picky about who I spend my time/energy on. And I'm a bit of a weirdo. But yes, I make time for my friends.What about friends? Are you good at making time for them
This is most likely. I'm aware it will limit my options, but I'd rather gain a FWB than lose my 14yr relationship over time constraints. Also I'm aware that if I am allowed to pursue other people, that I will need to make an extra effort to reassure my current s/o that she is still the most important thing to me.Or might you want any new partner to understand that they should take a back seat and see you as and when your time/energy allows because your main focus is your current partner.
If I say I'm gonna be somewhere, you can bet the farm on it. I don't cancel plans unless there is an emergency, I show up exactly at the time I say I will, and when I have plans and someone offers other plans, I schedule the new plans around the old ones even if the new thing is more fun or if it means I just have to decline. I'm the least flakey person I know.How are you at turning up to activities? Do you do so reliably or are these things often dropped to do other things?
Ugh! What's the point in hiding something if your s/o is gonna be so damned observant lol... I think what I did was agree with a few poly people's viewpoints, how did yours figure it out?I was always "poly," always felt like a bad person, always trying to hide it from my husband to protect him. But he wasn't fooled!
ExactlyRemember, man, the Dude abides, and so will you.
Only a little, but dammit I'm a MAN! Men don't have feelings to hurt I'm limited on when I can, and when I'm mentally able to catch up with the thread. But I do appreciate having people in my corner in terms of keeping the conversation civil, if it gets any worse I probably would take a break for a while, and I feel like a lot of people would probably already have. But I'm giving this my all because my relationship is that important to me.Sadly, I suspect this thread has further depressed CoolName and caused him to leave or at least take a break
It does worry me that someone without the courage to make their own post could be reading this and decide to just give up due to the friction contained in this thread. But I do think it's important that people like CTF be able to express themselves; I just wish it weren't in such extreme and absolute terms.it can be done without killing your own soul or the soul of your partner. It takes skill and patience.
Probably worth my time. I wonder if I can find them at my local library...For the skills and tools, read the books More Than Two, and Opening Up.
My real issue is twofold; The decision has already been made, so suggesting that I think long & hard about it is only useful if I could time-travel, and that you kinda are arguing in favor of dis-honesty by way of advocating that anyone should keep something big to themselves (Even if the purpose is to keep from hurting them).It's fascinating though, how the mere suggestion that you think long & hard before deciding if coming out is truly necessary given that only YOU know your gf best, turns into who values honesty more.
She hasn't said no per se, and her agreement to take time to think about it shows she is probably giving it some consideration. But I've said I'm willing to accept whatever decision she makes.If she says no, then accept it & drop it, or do the kind thing to her & move on.
Never have I ever said anything close to "If she doesn't accept me this way then that's on her".Sorry, but h think that's your burden to bear, not hers.
Yeah, it's this sort of extreme word choices that, while they may be 100% accurate, are why you come across as negative. If you truely are "dead inside" then it isn't simply a matter of "coming across" as negative, the issue is that you actually are negative. No one who really feels that way is capable of communicating without their own situation influencing how they view the world, and how they treat others. I've felt dead inside plenty of times, and I've seen firsthand the difference between that version of myself and the "normal" me; No one wants to be around the negativity of someone who is dead inside.I've fully accepted the fact that I'm already dead inside & there's no going back.
The only thing that is clear at this point is that she currently is not excited by the idea, and is having trouble processing what it all means. Beyond that, speaking in absolutes is pointless and presumptive.but what's f--ked up, is that as clear as it is to everyone now, that she'll never be on board
Again, she has not declined, as we have not had that discussion fully. She needs time to process the facts about how I view love & relationships. I do not have the answers yet.he got the answers he sought when she declined going poly...
As I said, I was not exposed to the idea of polyamory until like 10+ years into our relationship, so I was operating under the ideals I had been raised with, which told me that how I was feeling was "wrong". If ya wanna talk about pointless honesty why would I tell her "Yeah, so I love like, 3 people other than you... but I know it's wrong of me to feel that way, just felt like letting you know"Except now for him having to account for why he wasn't open from the beginning.
My initial post was hastily written, as I was writing it after an all-night cry-a-thon that left me with no idea what to do. But that's why I keep coming back and replying to specific things, to clarify on my original post. "Understanding" is a constantly shifting ideal, you have to stay open to new information and allow it to change your understandings.I came to that understanding because of his initial post.
I could almost agree with this, but there have been comments (not just from the monos) that talk about how hard it is for her to deal with this new information and the feelings it brings up. Several people have mentioned the suffering of their s/o when they dropped the bomb. I think it's clear that your s/o did not handle things properly, and a disaster was the result. But I'm obviously more interested in learning what people in my position did right, and how it helped create a better result.sadly, I've not seen you say anything that takes HER pain into account as well.
Ahem...You're right... this forum is not to be told how terrible they're being to their spouses... and unless you have an example of me saying that to him
Aaaaand...not once did I ever say that it was impossible for them to work it out.
This is the main reason I felt so badly about the way I was for so long. And why I came to these forums to talk, because I don't know anyone who would really understand any of this.there's also a hell of a lot of peer pressure if your entire social group is mono and you aren't that you're either crazy or a bad person.
I had NO IDEA how I would do with poly before trying it.
This is why I'm flexible on how this ends up. I might be a horrible fit for poly for all I know, no amount of reading or pondering is going to guarantee my success. I have a feeling that I may end up in a similar situation, realizing that it's "just too much" and limiting myself to FWB to be able to give my current s/o the time and attention she needs. But I'd like the opportunity to find out.These days I'm happily monogamish, committed to my husband and open to friends with benefits.
Stay tuned! I fully intend on necro-ing this thread if need be to let everyone know how this turns out lol (jk I will make a new thread if this one is too far gone mods plz don't be mad )I don't know if just bringing up the topic has already caused irreparable damage.
Magdlyn
Ugh! What's the point in hiding something if your s/o is gonna be so damned observant lol... I think what I did was agree with a few poly people's viewpoints, how did yours figure it out?
Only a little, but dammit I'm a MAN! Men don't have feelings to hurt
I'm limited on when I can, and when I'm mentally able to catch up with the thread. But I do appreciate having people in my corner in terms of keeping the conversation civil, if it gets any worse I probably would take a break for a while, and I feel like a lot of people would probably already have. But I'm giving this my all because my relationship is that important to me.
It does worry me that someone without the courage to make their own post could be reading this and decide to just give up due to the friction contained in this thread. But I do think it's important that people like CTF be able to express themselves; I just wish it weren't in such extreme and absolute terms.
Probably worth my time. I wonder if I can find them at my local library...