Poly-bomb may have killed our relationship

Humm

I appreciate CTF's contributions to this thread! And I don't see any reason why the op would block him.
It's about sharing and within hopefully finding a better direction...
 
It is living a lie if the person who is poly feels it is, regardless of whether you or I or anyone else does.

The op responded to Galagirl's suggestion that maybe just having his girlfriend know he's poly and accept that and remain closed would be enough with a reply that he doesn't think that will be enough, that he feels like this is something he needs to live to be happy. So I'm confused where you've gotten the idea that he ever said he didn't need to live it.

I spent several years medicated and in therapy because of issues with how my husband was going about being poly. I spent a good portion of a year of that time passively suicidal, which is still occasionally an issue. I haven't been a gay teen, so you're right, I don't know for sure, but I have been suicidal due to poly issues, so I don't think it's as far apart as you think. And when your entire social group is made up of poly people, there is certainly an element of peer pressure to accept that poly is perfect and you are the weird one.

ETA: there's also a hell of a lot of peer pressure if your entire social group is mono and you aren't that you're either crazy or a bad person. And that peer pressure is backed up by popular movies, songs, books, etc.


I came to that understanding because of his initial post. He wanted to stay together, but knew that meant that he could never explore it, so unless he cares that little about her feelings (which I doubt), the fact that it's even a consideration, tells me that the urges aren't too strong. Not to mention, while he does mention having the urges all his life, he certainly doesn't pint it at the life long torment that he now makes it seem in recent posts.

I'm sorry you deal with suicidal thoughts from time to time... and I really don't mean to sound insensitive, but I do as well. Especially in the wake of things. Hell, who knows where I'd be right now if she didn't agree to cease communication with Jb? The point is, NO ONE should feel that way in a relationship. And it was my waking moment in my own marriage when I had no choice but to give the ultimatum... either he goes, or I do. But that still doesn't make the circumstance that less tragic. The feeling of rejection when a poly partner comes out... especially after being together for so long is an indescribable feeling of rejection.
 
I appreciate CTF's contributions to this thread! And I don't see any reason why the op would block him.
It's about sharing and within hopefully finding a better direction...

Wait... I was blocked? Does that mean that my posts aren't being seen
 
No, I suggested to the OP earlier that he could block you, CTF, as he seemed to find your posts very upsetting. It was nothing against you but, if he doesn't want to read what you have to say, he has the option not to.
 
CTF, I completely understand what you're saying here, and support your right to say it, but I don't think it is being received in the spirit you intended.

A spirited debate doesn't mean that nobody is receiving CTF's message. Clearly, CoolName isn't into it, but there are lots of people who read along here, don't post but are appreciating his viewpoint whether they agree or not. And I'd be willing to bet that most of the regular members here at very least find this an interesting and valuable discussion. I know that I do. The object isn't to convince the OP of anything, but to talk about this issue which is central to many of our lives, past, present or future.
 
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that CTF shouldn't keep posting. I like to read his posts, and agree with many of his viewpoints. The discussion just seems to be veering towards the hostile side. I think it has gone past the point of a spirited discussion.
 
I find this discussion fascinating even though it doesn't directly apply to me... I'm not poly enough to feel it's something I need anyone to know about me, or mono enough to be at all upset by the realization that my partner loves other people.

But I did want to speak to this...

I've always thought that poly is one of the things that warrants figuring out if it is something you are cut out for before you try it.

People's emotions and well being sometimes are tied up in romantic relationships. So attempting a new way of going about them isn't like trying something like a new hobby. Your tennis coach is unlikely to be upset if you decide tennis isn't your think.

A new and current partner are likely to be more affected.

Further - I think you can have a good stab at figuring out if you are cut out for poly without doing it.

I had NO IDEA how I would do with poly before trying it. I mean, I thought I did, but I was completely wrong. There were some things that were much easier than I expected, and others that were harder. In the end, trying to sustain multiple committed relationships was making me miserable every day. These days I'm happily monogamish, committed to my husband and open to friends with benefits.

I've always been confused by the common wisdom that once you go poly, you never go back. There are plenty of members on this board - a few on this thread even - who tried poly and decided it wasn't for them, or at least it wasn't what they wanted at this point in their lives. Yes, there is the possibility of people getting hurt, but all of romance (all of life, really) comes with that risk . I got badly hurt more than once. I know I hurt others. But I don't think it was any worse than the hurt that goes around in all dating, poly and mono.

OP, I'm saying this because I think that if polyamory is truly something you feel speaks to you, you should get to experience it. Find out if it's something that works for you in practice as well as in theory. I don't know if you can do that without damaging your existing relationship. I don't know if just bringing up the topic has already caused irreparable damage. I can only speak from my own experience, and for me... I'm much happier for having had the opportunity to try out a variety of relationship models, from traditional monogamy to open to poly, and choose the one that works the best for me. I hope you get that chance, too.
 
I think it has gone past the point of a spirited discussion.

I respectfully disagree, although your POV is also appreciated. :)
I think that so long as personal insults are not thrown around, the discussion in quite fruitful. There's a lot of emotion in this topic, for all of us, and rightly so. It hits home for many of us.

I thank the mods for not stepping in and for allowing us adults to talk as adults do and moderate our own adult discussion. This forum community never ceases to amaze me in the quality of discourse, the ability to communicate in written form and the depth of thought with which members form their posts. I'm really proud of this discussion and I thank CoolName for letting us have it here.
 
I've always been confused by the common wisdom that once you go poly, you never go back. There are plenty of members on this board - a few on this thread even - who tried poly and decided it wasn't for them, or at least it wasn't what they wanted at this point in their lives.

I am one of these people. I am open to poly for sure, but I don't claim to be poly. It's an option for me, not a way of life.

I dropped the poly bomb on my husband and we ultimately split, but not really because of poly after all. There were deeper issues and "I'm poly" just became the lighting rod. Truth is, there were many more reasons I needed to leave the marriage, much of which I am still in the process of understanding with the help of a therapist, Al-Anon, yoga, meditation, etc. etc. etc. I don't know if the poly-bomb in and of itself can destroy a relationship, so much as the dropping of it reveals many more underlying issues that monogamy never brought to light.
 
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Sadly, I suspect this thread has further depressed CoolName and caused him to leave or at least take a break. The conversation may have been enjoyable for a mono person who says he is "dead inside," apparently living in a dead and distant relationship full of resentment towards his poly wife, and for other monos (here, on a board that is supposed to support polyamory!), but sadly I think it's done CoolName a disservice. Personally, I am upset for him. Conversations about opening up don't usually go this way on this board.

But what's done is done.

I reiterate, in case CoolName is reading here without posting, and for other people lurking, who feel they are poly and want to Open a relationship, to take courage that it can be done without killing your own soul or the soul of your partner. It takes skill and patience.

For the skills and tools, read the books More Than Two, and Opening Up.

And I would recommend that we all consider divorce can be healthy when partners grow, change or actualize over the years. Life is about change. Humans live a long time these days. Clinging to a dead lifestyle for 5 or 6 decades, stubbornly living with a partner whom you resent and even hate, is wasting your time and your life on earth. (In my spiritual practice, it is an affront to my gods.) If you're staying together for the kids, know that you're setting a bad example for them in how to do a relationship. Two parents who are constantly fighting, or cold and distant: is that what you want for your kids to find "normal" and to seek when they are teens and adults?

"The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation."

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death."
 
I respectfully disagree, although your POV is also appreciated. :)
I think that so long as personal insults are not thrown around, the discussion in quite fruitful. There's a lot of emotion in this topic, for all of us, and rightly so. It hits home for many of us.

I thank the mods for not stepping in and for allowing us adults to talk as adults do and moderate our own adult discussion. This forum community never ceases to amaze me in the quality of discourse, the ability to communicate in written form and the depth of thought with which members form their posts. I'm really proud of this discussion and I thank CoolName for letting us have it here.

I second that. One of the reasons I keep coming here, is because most people can generally hash out disagreements like adults, and very few take the low road & seek to silence dissent.
 
Sadly, I suspect this thread has further depressed CoolName and caused him to leave or at least take a break. The conversation may have been enjoyable for a mono person who says he is "dead inside," apparently living in a dead and distant relationship full of resentment towards his poly wife, and for other monos (here, on a board that is supposed to support polyamory!), but sadly I think it's done CoolName a disservice. Personally, I am upset for him. Conversations about opening up don't usually go this way on this board.

But what's done is done.

I reiterate, in case CoolName is reading here without posting, and for other people lurking, who feel they are poly and want to Open a relationship, to take courage that it can be done without killing your own soul or the soul of your partner. It takes skill and patience.

For the skills and tools, read the books More Than Two, and Opening Up.

And I would recommend that we all consider divorce can be healthy when partners grow, change or actualize over the years. Life is about change. Humans live a long time these days. Clinging to a dead lifestyle for 5 or 6 decades, stubbornly living with a partner whom you resent and even hate, is wasting your time and your life on earth. (In my spiritual practice, it is an affront to my gods.) If you're staying together for the kids, know that you're setting a bad example for them in how to do a relationship. Two parents who are constantly fighting, or cold and distant: is that what you want for your kids to find "normal" and to seek when they are teens and adults?

"The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation."

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death."

And you are more than welcome to your opinion. I however, do strongly disagree with your assertion that, 1: this board serves the purpose of "supporting " polyamory. From what I've understood, it's about discussing it. And for someone who claims to be so much on board with inclusiveness, I'm quite taken aback that you would even suggest that I don't have a place here. Just maintain my place on the old "struggling mono" thread where I belong, and let you poly folks continue your business? Is that really where you are with this?

Look, I get it. You dealt with hiding it, and regret it. Fair enough. You also had a much storonger urge to act on it than my wife claims to have. For her, poly wasn't necessary. Yet, if she decides it is, then we part ways & she could do whatever her heart desires, with who ever. What's truly fascinating though, is you lecturing me for having the exact same marital fate that I would have had if she insisted on acting on it. The only difference, is that I have zero intent on finding other partners like your ex husband did. And every time this topic comes up, you claim that it's possible that they may be closeted poly. You have to know that such a situation is a thousand time more rare than mine right?

As for coolname, I don't take back a word of advice I've given. The ONLY disservice that's being done, is the one he's doing to himself by only seeking out opinions that pat him on the head & tell him what a good boy he's been. If his depression is so severe, that a bunch of anonymous people on the internet can make it worse, then he belongs in a hospital getting heavy treatment. I suffer from depression too, but I know better than to let any of you folks put me into a downward spiral. He's got enough of that going on at home. If he's truly interested in salvaging what he has, it's not going to happen if he doesn't take a realistic approach on talking to his gf, and understanding HER feelings. And sadly, I've not seen you say anything that takes HER pain into account as well.

You are right about one thing though... Divorce doesn't have to be so painful, and that is an option. Fortunately, they don't have kids so it's less stressful than it could be otherwise.
 
I am one of these people. I am open to poly for sure, but I don't claim to be poly. It's an option for me, not a way of life.

I dropped the poly bomb on my husband and we ultimately split, but not really because of poly after all. There were deeper issues and "I'm poly" just became the lighting rod. Truth is, there were many more reasons I needed to leave the marriage, much of which I am still in the process of understanding with the help of a therapist, Al-Anon, yoga, meditation, etc. etc. etc. I don't know if the poly-bomb in and of itself can destroy a relationship, so much as the dropping of it reveals many more underlying issues that monogamy never brought to light.

As a side note I think this discussion has been conducted well above average in terms of civility I've seen and have been involved in several that gotten pretty nasty. ( edit) I started writing this an hr or 2 before I had time to finish before post 72. as always someone thinks their opinion is more important and valid than others. Really a shame.

So what have we learned from all this. Bombs kill. poly bombs sometime kill relationships direct on impact and other limp along for a short time and die.

Looking at the diverse motivations at how people get here it or their being involved in a poly dynamic it's so confusing and emotionally charged.

There are those who come to poly out of lack. The lack of sex, the mismatch in libido, the lack of emotional intimacy or the lack of time they get to spend with a spouse or partner. Or all of the above general lack of getting needs met.
I'd say this camp is the soft transition for divorce.

There are those how arrive out of a situation. I feel in love with someone. I wasn't looking to it just happened. Camp situation.

In the other camp you have poly identity folks that have been living lies for yrs and yrs and can no longer can suppress these urges. Camp ID. I don't believe for one second that their only motivation is to be understood by there spouse. Their motivation is to open the relationship and if that kills the marriage or puts some dents in things oh well it was worth a shot. I can definitely see using poly as a transition to divorce in this camp as well.


Weve talked a lot about truth and honesty as it relates to that initial discussion and the blindsided devasting confusion that it causes the unsuspecting spouse but to me it doesn't matter which camp the bomb thrower comes from there's dishonesty and or bad communication potentially yrs of in camp 1 and 3.


Camp lack can't say everything is fine with us our relationship is rock solid and it's not about you its me. However how often do you think they do ??

It's funny to me that people think that after yrs of marriage / a decade or more and then bomb blast occurs that under that mushroom cloud when everything is in question that words of assurance mean much. Statements like "They're letting there ungrounded fears and insecurity get the better of them" UNGROUNDED ?? Based on ( x) yrs together to me it's very grounded.


Angelina ...what approach did you use in your discussion. And would you consider it completely honest. From my own experience I got the it's not you its me and love infinity not zero sum.
 
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And you are more than welcome to your opinion. I however, do strongly disagree with your assertion that, 1: this board serves the purpose of "supporting " polyamory. From what I've understood, it's about discussing it.

It's for discussion, sure. Is it for bashing poly people to the point where they feel you've been "cruel?" Was it necessary to come down quite so hard on our new member, knowing you yourself have experienced soul death and yet choose to stay with your poly wife?

This forum is one of the few places on the net where poly folks, especially newbies, can come for "support." They probably don't expect to get told how terrible they are being to their spouses.

Perhaps not everyone confronted with a partner who becomes in touch with their poly nature is "dead inside" as a result. Perhaps some are not quite so bitter. Perhaps some take a more healthy journey when faced with this kind of information. Instead you've projected your inner "death" onto Coolname's gf, telling him in so many words, it's impossible for this ever to work out with them. You have no way of knowing that. We all speak from our experiences, but of all the posters I've read here, no one clubs others over their heads quite as hard as you, eschewing all other qualifying viewpoints or possible outcomes.

And for someone who claims to be so much on board with inclusiveness, I'm quite taken aback that you would even suggest that I don't have a place here.

I'm not sure I am so "on board with inclusiveness." Where did you read me to say that? I think monos here walk a fine line, sharing their views while knowing this is a board that supports polyamory, not the mainstream default of monogamy.

Just maintain my place on the old "struggling mono" thread where I belong, and let you poly folks continue your business? Is that really where you are with this?

...

Not necessarily, but you took it too far... to the point our new member called you "cruel." Does that not give you pause? I am advocating for him here, not my own views.

Look, I get it. You dealt with hiding it, and regret it. Fair enough. You also had a much stronger urge to act on it than my wife claims to have. For her, poly wasn't necessary. Yet, if she decides it is, then we part ways & she could do whatever her heart desires, with who ever. What's truly fascinating though, is you lecturing me for having the exact same marital fate that I would have had if she insisted on acting on it. The only difference, is that I have zero intent on finding other partners like your ex husband did. And every time this topic comes up, you claim that it's possible that they may be closeted poly. You have to know that such a situation is a thousand time more rare than mine right?

I don't understand what you're getting at here and I think it would be unhelpful to pick it apart, so I am going to let it be.
As for coolname, I don't take back a word of advice I've given. The ONLY disservice that's being done, is the one he's doing to himself by only seeking out opinions that pat him on the head & tell him what a good boy he's been.

Oh, you have no responsibility? I see it otherwise.


You are right about one thing though... Divorce doesn't have to be so painful, and that is an option. Fortunately, they don't have kids so it's less stressful than it could be otherwise.

And you are willing to live "dead inside" for the "benefit" of your children, when you could divorce, since just the knowledge your wife is a non-practicing poly has "killed" you. You could divorce anyway, live single, or find a mono partner, but you've chosen not to. And yet you're giving relationship advice.
 
It's for discussion, sure. Is it for bashing poly people to the point where they feel you've been "cruel?" Was it necessary to come down quite so hard on our new member, knowing you yourself have experienced soul death and yet choose to stay with your poly wife?

This forum is one of the few places on the net where poly folks, especially newbies, can come for "support." They probably don't expect to get told how terrible they are being to their spouses.

Perhaps not everyone confronted with a partner who becomes in touch with their poly nature is "dead inside" as a result. Perhaps some are not quite so bitter. Perhaps some take a more healthy journey when faced with this kind of information. Instead you've projected your inner "death" onto Coolname's gf, telling him in so many words, it's impossible for this ever to work out with them. You have no way of knowing that. We all speak from our experiences, but of all the posters I've read here, no one clubs others over their heads quite as hard as you, eschewing all other qualifying viewpoints or possible outcomes.



I'm not sure I am so "on board with inclusiveness." Where did you read me to say that? I think monos here walk a fine line, sharing their views while knowing this is a board that supports polyamory, not the mainstream default of monogamy.



...

Not necessarily, but you took it too far... to the point our new member called you "cruel." Does that not give you pause? I am advocating for him here, not my own views.



I don't understand what you're getting at here and I think it would be unhelpful to pick it apart, so I am going to let it be.


Oh, you have no responsibility? I see it otherwise.




And you are willing to live "dead inside" for the "benefit" of your children, when you could divorce, since just the knowledge your wife is a non-practicing poly has "killed" you. You could divorce anyway, live single, or find a mono partner, but you've chosen not to. And yet you're giving relationship advice.

Personally, I think your definition of "bash" is way off base. Not once have I ever bashed anyone on this site. Now, while I've been called a lot worse than "cruel", I have yet to see an example of it in this thread. The ONLY thing I did, was present to him a very real possibility of just one of the potential outcomes. What's cruel about that? If anything, the more cruel reply (to questions he asked btw), is to lull him into a false sense of security by sugar coating it.

You're right... this forum is not to be told how terrible they're being to their spouses... and unless you have an example of me saying that to him, there's no need to delve further on that matter.

Yes, perhaps everyone who gets the poly bomb dropped is devastated, perhaps not... so what? All we have that's relevant at the moment, is his situation, and mine as we're both part of the discussion. I don't know where this illusion that I just chose to start blasting at him came from. I get that you don't like me, I get that you can't stand my views when it comes to relationship dynamics, but talk about crossing the line with projections, you're doing it in spades & don't even seem to see it. I came into this discussion presenting a certain position... think really hard about how you wife/gf is going to react. If you don't care that much about opening the marriage, and you know she's dead set against it, it might do more harm than good if coming out isn't necessary. Instead, I get called cruel, and witness a barrage of passive aggressive digs from you because the default should always be taking the chance on poly.

As for my own marriage, where did I say that I was staying because of the kids? To start with, my kids are grown. Aside from my youngest, who will be 17 in a few months, they're not the issue whatsoever. My reasons for staying are my own. But primarily, things like health insurance, mortgage, alimony, etc... top the list.

As for coolname, not once did I ever say that it was impossible for them to work it out. Here again, you're injecting words that were never said. I may have implied that it's possible it may not work out (which you know as well as I do is true), and I know I said that she'll probably never reach compersion, which I firmly believe, but again, you're blowing virtually everything I've said out of propertion & chooseing to see them as personal attacks.

Responsibility for what? A day goes by, and he doesn't post and you jump to the assumption that it's because of something I said/did? Give me a break.

You're right, I could divorce. But I'm choosing not to for many of the reasons I stated above. It's not because of the kids (I really would like to know where you got that little nugget from. And yes, I am comfortable with giving relationship advice on matters I have experience with. I'm not telling him to do anything that I wouldn't do/haven't done.
 
Wow, I can barely keep up with how fast this thread is moving... I can only really work on posting when the gf isn't around, as per our agreement to not bring this up for a while (Though she knows I am on here, it's not a secret)

Gonna have to split this into two posts!

First of all I wanna clarify a few things just in case:

I knew she would not be "excited" about the idea of me being poly, and I knew that she probably would not like the idea at least at first. I did not "know" ahead of time that she would be dead-set against it, and even at this time I don't believe she is dead-set against it.

Some of this started because she would make jokes about me being secretly poly, so I suspect she "knew" before I fully did.

We are now 1 week into this month-long moratorium. We chose a month because any longer would make it too easy to just put it off forever, at which point it would become a time-bomb imo. It could end up being sooner, if she chooses, and if I believe she is actually prepared to talk about it.

I do want to change our dynamic, but I am dedicated to this relationship to the point that I am willing to accept that I may not get what I want.

I did not come here to be re-assured, nor to argue. I needed advice on what I need to be doing/not doing in terms of damage-control. I'm aware that this can and does go wrong, especially when mishandled.

Okay so here come the replies...

InfinitePossibility:
I've always thought that poly is one of the things that warrants figuring out if it is something you are cut out for before you try it.

As another poster points out later, you can think you're ready for something and then find out it's totally different than you thought, or that you aren't as ready as you thought. I think having children is like that; you can read all the books and have all the right intentions and everything situated, but it seems like everyone finds something they never expected to have to prepare for. That is what I mean by "I don't know". I'm either too realistic or too pessimistic to presume to be 100% ready for anything. I get as prepared as I am capable of, and then "find out" in practice. I don't mean to come off as though I think of this as a "hobby", I take it much more serious than that.

What about friends? Are you good at making time for them
I don't have a TON of friends because I'm sorta picky about who I spend my time/energy on. And I'm a bit of a weirdo. But yes, I make time for my friends.

Or might you want any new partner to understand that they should take a back seat and see you as and when your time/energy allows because your main focus is your current partner.
This is most likely. I'm aware it will limit my options, but I'd rather gain a FWB than lose my 14yr relationship over time constraints. Also I'm aware that if I am allowed to pursue other people, that I will need to make an extra effort to reassure my current s/o that she is still the most important thing to me.

How are you at turning up to activities? Do you do so reliably or are these things often dropped to do other things?
If I say I'm gonna be somewhere, you can bet the farm on it. I don't cancel plans unless there is an emergency, I show up exactly at the time I say I will, and when I have plans and someone offers other plans, I schedule the new plans around the old ones even if the new thing is more fun or if it means I just have to decline. I'm the least flakey person I know.

Magdlyn
I was always "poly," always felt like a bad person, always trying to hide it from my husband to protect him. But he wasn't fooled!
Ugh! What's the point in hiding something if your s/o is gonna be so damned observant :rolleyes: lol... I think what I did was agree with a few poly people's viewpoints, how did yours figure it out?

Remember, man, the Dude abides, and so will you.
Exactly :D

Sadly, I suspect this thread has further depressed CoolName and caused him to leave or at least take a break
Only a little, but dammit I'm a MAN! Men don't have feelings to hurt :rolleyes: I'm limited on when I can, and when I'm mentally able to catch up with the thread. But I do appreciate having people in my corner in terms of keeping the conversation civil, if it gets any worse I probably would take a break for a while, and I feel like a lot of people would probably already have. But I'm giving this my all because my relationship is that important to me.

it can be done without killing your own soul or the soul of your partner. It takes skill and patience.
It does worry me that someone without the courage to make their own post could be reading this and decide to just give up due to the friction contained in this thread. But I do think it's important that people like CTF be able to express themselves; I just wish it weren't in such extreme and absolute terms.

For the skills and tools, read the books More Than Two, and Opening Up.
Probably worth my time. I wonder if I can find them at my local library...
 
Cont...

CTF:
It's fascinating though, how the mere suggestion that you think long & hard before deciding if coming out is truly necessary given that only YOU know your gf best, turns into who values honesty more.
My real issue is twofold; The decision has already been made, so suggesting that I think long & hard about it is only useful if I could time-travel, and that you kinda are arguing in favor of dis-honesty by way of advocating that anyone should keep something big to themselves (Even if the purpose is to keep from hurting them).

If she says no, then accept it & drop it, or do the kind thing to her & move on.
She hasn't said no per se, and her agreement to take time to think about it shows she is probably giving it some consideration. But I've said I'm willing to accept whatever decision she makes.

Sorry, but h think that's your burden to bear, not hers.
Never have I ever said anything close to "If she doesn't accept me this way then that's on her".

I've fully accepted the fact that I'm already dead inside & there's no going back.
Yeah, it's this sort of extreme word choices that, while they may be 100% accurate, are why you come across as negative. If you truely are "dead inside" then it isn't simply a matter of "coming across" as negative, the issue is that you actually are negative. No one who really feels that way is capable of communicating without their own situation influencing how they view the world, and how they treat others. I've felt dead inside plenty of times, and I've seen firsthand the difference between that version of myself and the "normal" me; No one wants to be around the negativity of someone who is dead inside.

but what's f--ked up, is that as clear as it is to everyone now, that she'll never be on board
The only thing that is clear at this point is that she currently is not excited by the idea, and is having trouble processing what it all means. Beyond that, speaking in absolutes is pointless and presumptive.

he got the answers he sought when she declined going poly...
Again, she has not declined, as we have not had that discussion fully. She needs time to process the facts about how I view love & relationships. I do not have the answers yet.

Except now for him having to account for why he wasn't open from the beginning.
As I said, I was not exposed to the idea of polyamory until like 10+ years into our relationship, so I was operating under the ideals I had been raised with, which told me that how I was feeling was "wrong". If ya wanna talk about pointless honesty why would I tell her "Yeah, so I love like, 3 people other than you... but I know it's wrong of me to feel that way, just felt like letting you know" :eek:

I came to that understanding because of his initial post.
My initial post was hastily written, as I was writing it after an all-night cry-a-thon that left me with no idea what to do. But that's why I keep coming back and replying to specific things, to clarify on my original post. "Understanding" is a constantly shifting ideal, you have to stay open to new information and allow it to change your understandings.

sadly, I've not seen you say anything that takes HER pain into account as well.
I could almost agree with this, but there have been comments (not just from the monos) that talk about how hard it is for her to deal with this new information and the feelings it brings up. Several people have mentioned the suffering of their s/o when they dropped the bomb. I think it's clear that your s/o did not handle things properly, and a disaster was the result. But I'm obviously more interested in learning what people in my position did right, and how it helped create a better result.

You're right... this forum is not to be told how terrible they're being to their spouses... and unless you have an example of me saying that to him
Ahem...
Post #17: "It also doesn't alleviate the poly partner from the responsibility of causing that pain."
Post #26: "the whole "if she gives me the freedom & makes me happy will benefit her because I'll admire her more" nonsense is a naive fantasy. It's also an extremely disrespectful & unloving way to behave towards her."
Post #29: "I keep hearing that mantra about "honesty" & knowing the "full me/you", yet these same people generally ignore who their partner is, and what they need by not learning to bear the burden themselves."
Post #29: "The ONLY thing accomplished here, was a devastated mono partner, and an end to a relationship likely imminent."
Post #32: "we're talking about a complete lack of respect for the mono partner"
Post #32: "it shows how little they truly value them."
Post #32: "Like I said before, this situation usually only shifts the burden of pain onto the other partner. Amd often, telling that partner ends up being justified as though they're acting courteous to them, when they're really just trying make themselves feel better."
Post #55: "However, knowing that your gf would not be on board, and hoping to try anyway, not only is a clear breakdown of communication on your end, but highly disrespectful & naive."
Post #62: "The feeling of rejection when a poly partner comes out... especially after being together for so long is an indescribable feeling of rejection."
I think you can see how these statements can be read as pointing out unfairness towards one's s/o. Just sayin'...

not once did I ever say that it was impossible for them to work it out.
Aaaaand...
Post #10: "She's never going to understand how you can love another"
Post #26: "Let it go. Don't just put of the poly discussion for a month, put it off forever if you plan to stay with her."
Post #26: "She's NEVER going to reach compersion..."
Post #55: "so that renders the open relationship hopes DOA, leaving nothing left, but to clear your own conscience.
Post #58: "is that as clear as it is to everyone now, that she'll never be on board"
These are pretty absolute terms you use. Again, just sayin'...

And no, you haven't been blocked. If I get too sick of you to even argue I'll just skip over your posts :p

Hannahfluke:
there's also a hell of a lot of peer pressure if your entire social group is mono and you aren't that you're either crazy or a bad person.
This is the main reason I felt so badly about the way I was for so long. And why I came to these forums to talk, because I don't know anyone who would really understand any of this.

powerpuffgrl1969:
I know I could ignore/block him, but doing so would only prove his point that I "only came here for head-pats". I am interested in other viewpoints, but I would prefer less finger-pointing, since I feel that the friggin title of the thread shows that I am already pointing the finger at myself.

GirlFromTexlahoma:
I had NO IDEA how I would do with poly before trying it.
These days I'm happily monogamish, committed to my husband and open to friends with benefits.
This is why I'm flexible on how this ends up. I might be a horrible fit for poly for all I know, no amount of reading or pondering is going to guarantee my success. I have a feeling that I may end up in a similar situation, realizing that it's "just too much" and limiting myself to FWB to be able to give my current s/o the time and attention she needs. But I'd like the opportunity to find out.

I don't know if just bringing up the topic has already caused irreparable damage.
Stay tuned! I fully intend on necro-ing this thread if need be to let everyone know how this turns out lol (jk I will make a new thread if this one is too far gone mods plz don't be mad :eek:)

FallenAngelina:
I agree in that I don't think we've past the point of spirited discussion, but I recognize we're walking a fine line. There IS a lot of emotion in this topic, and clearly for some it's a sensitive subject. I'd rather point out when a person is crossing a line, than shy away altogether :cool:

I'm also thankful/surprised that the mods haven't come in with any "Settle down, or I'll take your toys away" type comments. Def would be happening on most other forums I feel, but I guess the mods here understand that this sort of thing can bring up some very strong feelings from all sides :)
 
Magdlyn

Ugh! What's the point in hiding something if your s/o is gonna be so damned observant :rolleyes: lol... I think what I did was agree with a few poly people's viewpoints, how did yours figure it out?

It did become pointless after a while. I kept it up too long. I really felt I needed to protect him from his unfounded fears that he would lose me.

I used to get crushes. I'd get interested in a person, a friend, a neighbor, even a celebrity. Any sign of interest, talking to someone, the mildest occasions of flirting (with no intent of more), a hug that lasted "too long," an interest in seeing a movie of this or that celeb, my ex would get all bent out of shape. He'd hover, he'd watch my every move, it became so tiring... He'd actually make my crush seem more serious than it was. It might've become a passing fancy if he hadn't had such low self esteem and expressed the view that I was about to leave him for any of these people, even Johnny Depp. :rolleyes: It got to the point where he seemed so weak and grasping and suspicious, he actually drove me away. I lost respect for him. It had the opposite effect... Instead of bringing me back to him, his constant suspicion and observation, his verbal digs at me, increased my interest in others who had higher self esteem and other qualities he lacked.

As our marriage began its slow circle of the toilet, he once told me he insisted on moving from Boston to the 'burbs after we had a kid was because he had an idea that I'd have less access to men! Although he also knew (but didn't understand or accept) that I was bi. And even when I'd chat with platonic gfs, he insisted all we did was sit around "bashing our husbands."

He lived in fear of rejection (he had childhood abandonment issues, which we lightly touched on in therapy eventually, but not to the point he was able to fully process how that affected his adult behavior.) And then he lied, telling me he never looked at another woman... (I might have already said that upthread). It became hopeless to continue.

Only a little, but dammit I'm a MAN! Men don't have feelings to hurt :rolleyes:

You jest. Glad you haven't lost your sense of humor despite your reception here.

I'm limited on when I can, and when I'm mentally able to catch up with the thread. But I do appreciate having people in my corner in terms of keeping the conversation civil, if it gets any worse I probably would take a break for a while, and I feel like a lot of people would probably already have. But I'm giving this my all because my relationship is that important to me.

Whew, I'm glad you weren't scared away.

It does worry me that someone without the courage to make their own post could be reading this and decide to just give up due to the friction contained in this thread. But I do think it's important that people like CTF be able to express themselves; I just wish it weren't in such extreme and absolute terms.

I agree. His viewpoints and feelings are valid and matter. But he does state things in absolutes, predicting the disaster his life is, for you, one week after you came out.

Probably worth my time. I wonder if I can find them at my local library...

I'm not sure, but they are available on Amazon. Many many people here have found them excellent and extremely useful. More than two also has a website.
 
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