Just needing support

Vicki82

Active member
I'm feeling a little bit out of sorts tonight so this is more of a vent but any comments/suggestions/support are appreciated.

My fiance and I are both poly and open, although due to life stress and mental health issues we are not going out of our way to find any additional relationships. Not to say either of us would turn one down if chemistry appeared though. We also have sex with others, both alone and together.

So.. nothing that happened violated any agreements but I'm just having trouble working through my feelings and I want to do so without my partner because it's not fair to dump my mess on him.

On Saturday, my fiance, my best friend (MOH), and another friend and I all went to a BDSM party. I played with both my fiance (sexually) and my MOH (nonsexually) and we had a great night. When we came home, I was pretty tired, my fiance had said earlier that he thought he was done for the night, so we all went to bed. MOH was staying over, and since my fiance snores and I'm a light sleeper, he went to sleep with her.

They've slept together before because she recently broke up with her ex boyfriend and was looking for cuddles etc. She always said she was never attracted to my fiance though. The three of us have been joking for a while about having sex but we figured it wasn't a thing that was going to happen because she is straight and mono and not into casual sex.

Well, apparently Saturday they had sex. And I didn't find out until last night in bed with my fiance. And it's not like he went out of his way to tell me, it was more like I was saying I bet she enjoyed the cuddles but we need to find someone to fix her up with so she can get laid, and he was like "oh, that's a thing that happened."

I am realizing that I am upset for two reasons that i have been able to ascertain (maybe there's more? I don't know). I'm upset that it took two days for me to find out, because even though I didn't see him much he could have made time to tell me that. And I'm upset that he didn't really tell me, that i had to bring it up.

I'm also upset because I had no time to get used to the idea. Generally, if one of us is going to have sex with someone else, it's known in advance. I'm a planner, and I hate to be taken by surprise. I felt totally blindsided here.

And again, it's not like anyone did anything wrong. Everything is within our agreements. But I feel yucky :(

MOH has no idea I'm upset and I am not telling her because she's the kind of person who would be crushed and blame herself. I told my fiance the things bugging me and he's trying to be extra sweet. I don't know what I need right now.
 
I can really understand why you are feeling like you are. I agree that they could have told you, and in my view should have done, which is what you are saying right?

Ok so technically none of your relationship rules were broken as such, but as you say if it is generally discussed before hand I can completely see why you feel a little cheesed off. (Sorry i couldn't think of a better phrase for it.)

Like you say they/ he could have made time to tell you. If this was my relationship I would be wondering why they didn't tell me the next morning. I know I am new to be poly but even I understand the way that makes it succesfull IS being totally open and honest. I find my relationship now is more open and honest than any I have had before and thats one thing I really like about being poly.

I can see why you feel may be they were hiding it, or even just delaying telling you. Perhaps the reason is not being sure how you would react but if thats the case they must understand not telling you right away appears they are trying to hide it maybe?

I think ultimately at some point you all need to discuss it, which I am sure you will when you have had time to process you're feelings about.

I hope you can work it out, it sounds like you have strong foundations.
 
In your mind, do you wonder what would have happened if you didn't ask/bring it up?

Does it make you wonder about past and future situations?

Did you not find out until after you were sexually intimate?

Do you suspect an ulterior motive in waiting to tell you?
 
Yes! I wonder why I had to be the one to make a comment. And he says he was planning to tell me that night and I believe him because in hindsight I think I can see a clumsy way he was turning the conversation in that direction.

But it feels not open to do it like this. And right now the two people I love and care about and rely on most in the world are not places I can go to for support.

No, I didn't have sex with him or I don't know what I'd be doing right now.

But that's the worst part. It's not like things have been great. Everything is fine with us but his physical health has been poor and his depression has had a resurgence lately. We haven't had much sex or played or anything in months. I knew it was just a matter of waiting and supporting him and it would be okay because I deal with mental health issues too. But this was the worst possible time to spring something on me because my emotional reserves are zero.
 
Everything is fine with us but his physical health has been poor and his depression has had a resurgence lately. We haven't had much sex or played or anything in months.

To me, this doesn't sound like fine. I'm seeing that you're upset that he was able to get excited about sex with her, while it's been months of disinterest/inability with you. The kind of sex you have in a BDSM social situation is very different than the kind os sex you have one on one in bedroom late at night. I'm imagining that you're feeling icky because of the intimacy shared more than the sex. I'm just trying to pinpoint what you're upset about.
 
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Sounds like nobody broke existing agreements, but you found you may have a need for some additional communication agreements. Could maybe view this as "work in progress" stuff?

You seem clear about your upsets.

  • I'm also upset because I had no time to get used to the idea.Generally, if one of us is going to have sex with someone else, it's known in advance.
  • I'm upset that it took two days for me to find out.
  • I'm upset that he didn't really tell me, that i had to bring it up.

Could you make an agreement about WHEN to tell so you are not blindsided or upset in future? And HOW to tell about spontaneous things so it is less jarring but doesn't take away spontaneity entirely?

Maybe a little less clear about the background the upsets happened in. To me? It was in the yellow zone as it was.

We haven't had much sex or played or anything in months.

On Saturday, my fiance, my best friend (MOH), and another friend and I all went to a BDSM party. I played with both my fiance (sexually) and my MOH (nonsexually) and we had a great night.

Sounds like a good night, but perhaps really wearying or emotionally draining for you?

We haven't had much sex or played or anything in months. I knew it was just a matter of waiting and supporting him and it would be okay because I deal with mental health issues too. But this was the worst possible time to spring something on me because my emotional reserves are zero.

After an intense BDSM party and possible top drop or sub drop... could that be affecting your POV any? Does he / MOH need to be made aware of your aftercare needs better?

Maybe make an agreement about that -- like not starting up with new people right after a BDSM experience where you still might be run down in energy and need aftercare. Finish one experience before starting another. Pace yourselves better.

Galagirl
 
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Yes! I wonder why I had to be the one to make a comment. And he says he was planning to tell me that night and I believe him because in hindsight I think I can see a clumsy way he was turning the conversation in that direction.

If I'm reading this right, what happened was he did not meet your expectations of timely communication regarding his sexual experiences. The problem with this expectation is that it sounds like it was unexpressed.

Unexpressed expectations are like laying out relationship land mines for people to step on.

Do yourself and the people you care about a favor and get these expectations out in the open. That way they have the option to either meet the expectation or not - but at least they have the option.
 
We have a contract about our relationship. It's detailed. It did not however have information about timing. That needs to be remedied.

I'm still not feeling proactive about fixing things right now though. I know it's bad but I'm still wallowing in the hurt.

Gala girl, I appreciate your comments but didn't know what you meant about the yellow in this context?
 
Sorry.... after I read about the BDSM party I started thinking in colors and didn't even realize it. Like in kink...

  • green = good to go
  • yellow = proceed with caution
  • red = stop to reassess. Maybe keep going, maybe stop, but def stop to at least check in.
  • black = Mayday. Abort no questions asked.

So I was thinking this communication timing talk might be considered a "yellow proceed with caution thing" if you want to talk and sort -- but go easy since you feel run down.

But maybe it's more a red thing for you? Maybe you need a break and time to rest and recover from the BDSM party first before getting all deep into talking about this and making new agreements so it can come from a more rested place or fresh POV? That's not a bad way to go either. You mentioned your emotional reserves are at zero.

Galagirl
 
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Agree with both GalaGirl, and Marcus.

I think this is an opportunity for some relationship negotiation. Sometimes we don't know everything we need and want until it jumps out of the bushes and startles us, so to speak. I would suggest asking to revise agreements to take your needs into account in this regard. (EDIT: When you feel ready, of course. Maybe journal your thoughts in the meantime? That might give you a good roadmap to work from when you do sit down to discuss...)
 
Also in the meantime.....


You say you trust/believe him in this case. And it's true it's the first instance. I'd hold on to that.

Not to suppress the feeling, but maybe to replace the thoughts that come up to justify the feeling. This doesn't feel good and you will find a solution, but you don't think he's a bad guy.
 
Hi Vicki82,

Sorry you had to go through that with your fiancé, that sounds harsh. Perhaps he didn't "break the rules," but he was at least inconsiderate toward you. Something perhaps he needs to understand. And repent for. And you probably don't want to talk to him right now because you'd like him to realize this on his own. You'd like him to start being considerate.

Hang in there, you'll be okay if you give it a week or two.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Vicki,

I'm new to poly myself so my hunch may be off-kilter, for which I apologise. I get the feeling that the three of you have been intimate in a V or triangle before and have joked about it since. However, the two of them have suddenly started something physical without your knowledge and it took 2 days for you to learn of it when they should have reasonably known that you would have wanted to know earlier.

I get the feeling you're not against a relationship forming between them, but rather that you would have liked to have been part of the process or have been given forewarning given you know them both so well. You may even have expressed excitement or teased them about hooking up in the recent past only to be told no attraction existed? I can see how this can come as a shock. You're intimate with these people, think you know them and then suddenly they pull a surprise on you. You may not be against a relationship forming between them, but you are surely surprised and hurt and curious as to why you feel this way.

My best guess (and please forgive me if I guess it incorrectly) is that the hurt is multifaceted:
  1. It may involve wanting to have been part of the formation of this new relationship (given you know them both so well). I know I would have wanted to be and would have felt great compersion in this scenario if I had seen the romance budding.
  2. Expectation that your friend and your lover should have had you in their mind, both when they did this and after the act (you're more important in your fiance's eyes than she is, and likewise you're more important in your best friend's eyes than your fiance is, so why did they do what they did and not tell you?)
  3. The unexpectedness or shock/surprise of the change in relationship dynamic amongst the three of you.

Apart from the time-issues raised, does he identify any other reason why he took so long to tell you? Could she have told you herself or could the two of them have told you together? Do you think there was embarrassment or guilt on the part of either of them that delayed their telling you?

I could be totally off track. Sorry if that's the case, but I hope things get sorted out soon for you.
 
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