I'm feeling a little bit out of sorts tonight so this is more of a vent but any comments/suggestions/support are appreciated.
My fiance and I are both poly and open, although due to life stress and mental health issues we are not going out of our way to find any additional relationships. Not to say either of us would turn one down if chemistry appeared though. We also have sex with others, both alone and together.
So.. nothing that happened violated any agreements but I'm just having trouble working through my feelings and I want to do so without my partner because it's not fair to dump my mess on him.
On Saturday, my fiance, my best friend (MOH), and another friend and I all went to a BDSM party. I played with both my fiance (sexually) and my MOH (nonsexually) and we had a great night. When we came home, I was pretty tired, my fiance had said earlier that he thought he was done for the night, so we all went to bed. MOH was staying over, and since my fiance snores and I'm a light sleeper, he went to sleep with her.
They've slept together before because she recently broke up with her ex boyfriend and was looking for cuddles etc. She always said she was never attracted to my fiance though. The three of us have been joking for a while about having sex but we figured it wasn't a thing that was going to happen because she is straight and mono and not into casual sex.
Well, apparently Saturday they had sex. And I didn't find out until last night in bed with my fiance. And it's not like he went out of his way to tell me, it was more like I was saying I bet she enjoyed the cuddles but we need to find someone to fix her up with so she can get laid, and he was like "oh, that's a thing that happened."
I am realizing that I am upset for two reasons that i have been able to ascertain (maybe there's more? I don't know). I'm upset that it took two days for me to find out, because even though I didn't see him much he could have made time to tell me that. And I'm upset that he didn't really tell me, that i had to bring it up.
I'm also upset because I had no time to get used to the idea. Generally, if one of us is going to have sex with someone else, it's known in advance. I'm a planner, and I hate to be taken by surprise. I felt totally blindsided here.
And again, it's not like anyone did anything wrong. Everything is within our agreements. But I feel yucky
MOH has no idea I'm upset and I am not telling her because she's the kind of person who would be crushed and blame herself. I told my fiance the things bugging me and he's trying to be extra sweet. I don't know what I need right now.
My fiance and I are both poly and open, although due to life stress and mental health issues we are not going out of our way to find any additional relationships. Not to say either of us would turn one down if chemistry appeared though. We also have sex with others, both alone and together.
So.. nothing that happened violated any agreements but I'm just having trouble working through my feelings and I want to do so without my partner because it's not fair to dump my mess on him.
On Saturday, my fiance, my best friend (MOH), and another friend and I all went to a BDSM party. I played with both my fiance (sexually) and my MOH (nonsexually) and we had a great night. When we came home, I was pretty tired, my fiance had said earlier that he thought he was done for the night, so we all went to bed. MOH was staying over, and since my fiance snores and I'm a light sleeper, he went to sleep with her.
They've slept together before because she recently broke up with her ex boyfriend and was looking for cuddles etc. She always said she was never attracted to my fiance though. The three of us have been joking for a while about having sex but we figured it wasn't a thing that was going to happen because she is straight and mono and not into casual sex.
Well, apparently Saturday they had sex. And I didn't find out until last night in bed with my fiance. And it's not like he went out of his way to tell me, it was more like I was saying I bet she enjoyed the cuddles but we need to find someone to fix her up with so she can get laid, and he was like "oh, that's a thing that happened."
I am realizing that I am upset for two reasons that i have been able to ascertain (maybe there's more? I don't know). I'm upset that it took two days for me to find out, because even though I didn't see him much he could have made time to tell me that. And I'm upset that he didn't really tell me, that i had to bring it up.
I'm also upset because I had no time to get used to the idea. Generally, if one of us is going to have sex with someone else, it's known in advance. I'm a planner, and I hate to be taken by surprise. I felt totally blindsided here.
And again, it's not like anyone did anything wrong. Everything is within our agreements. But I feel yucky
MOH has no idea I'm upset and I am not telling her because she's the kind of person who would be crushed and blame herself. I told my fiance the things bugging me and he's trying to be extra sweet. I don't know what I need right now.