How do you show your seriousness?

JK40

New member
I am curious about an issues that my chronic over thinking mind has brought up.

Let me give as brief a description of my situation as i can:

I was abused as a child, physically and mentally by a parent and sexually by a family member.

I have had 2 marriages. My first a 12 year long to an abusive controlling husband. The second 6 years (4 married) to an abusive controlling wife, who I am currently divorcing.

I have been in my first poly relationship since february this year, and my partner is amazing. He has really changed my entire life and shown me what love should really be. He is so gentle, kind, patient, understanding etc. The total opposite of both my marriages. He knows everything in detail and to be honest i was amazed he still wanted to be with me after sharing it with him, I am not used to being with someone normal and loving. I swore I would never get into another serious relationship again, yeah...duh! But I met him, fell totally in love and still can't believe anyone can love me so much.

The subject I am curious about, and it is not a major concern i just over think things and have this need to have things sorted in my own mind, what ways are there to be more serious with my partner? As in what if at some point one of us, or both, want to make the relationship more serious? Marriage is not an option, my partner is married.

I am not necessarily asking for advice on a current situation I realise, more interested in the ways others show each other they are serious. (I hope this makes sense, I am slightly dyslexic and have fibromyalgia which causes me to confuse words and things so sometimes struggle to get things across in a way that makes sense to others.)

I realise that by asking myself this I must subconsciously WANT it to progress to something more serious, but hey that could be a very long winded post lol
 
The subject I am curious about, and it is not a major concern i just over think things and have this need to have things sorted in my own mind, what ways are there to be more serious with my partner? As in what if at some point one of us, or both, want to make the relationship more serious? Marriage is not an option, my partner is married.
To me, "seriousness" is much about being there in crisis. Which you can't test, if there is no crisis ;) Of course it's shown in everyday cooperation, conflict resolution, ..
Appart from that, I think seriousness is both shown and build in the relationship by having common goals and working on them. These can be traditional cohabitation, kids, good relations with each others families etc., but not bound to the escalator it could also be sharing a hobby where you improve together (like dancing), or perhaps a spiritual path.
 
I don't do traditional symbols to demonstrate "seriousness", those symbols only have the power they are given and that can be added or removed without warning or effort.

To me, "seriousness" is much about being there in crisis. Which you can't test, if there is no crisis ;) Of course it's shown in everyday cooperation, conflict resolution, ..

What *is* meaningful is how we treat one another. That, to me, is how a person can reliably know where they stand with someone else.

Some basic concepts for showing "seriousness":

Follow through on plans.
Express your expectations clearly.
Set your personal boundaries and stick to them.
Take responsibility for your feelings.
Do not take responsibility for their feelings.
Be present, be kind.​
 
I don't do traditional symbols to demonstrate "seriousness", those symbols only have the power they are given and that can be added or removed without warning or effort.
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Do you mean things like marriage? Because I agree that's nothing more than a traditional symbol. I also feel that only being allowed one marriage is imposed on us by the populatuon of society that are not poly.

To me we should be able to express our love for more than partner however we wish. Also after 2 failed marriages it has shown me even marriage isn't always the life long commitment we often seek. There are many other ways to express to your partner how much you value them in your life.

I have read in a few places that many poly couples turn to the more pagan commitment of handfasting, as even though not legal, its showing your dedication. And you can have more than one.

I guess what I was trying to see were how other people showed their dedication and commitment without marriage being an option. I like to learn aboit different things like that.

Thanks for taking time to reply
 
To me, "seriousness" is much about being there in crisis. Which you can't test, if there is no crisis ;) Of course it's shown in everyday cooperation, conflict resolution, ..
Appart from that, I think seriousness is both shown and build in the relationship by having common goals and working on them. These can be traditional cohabitation, kids, good relations with each others families etc., but not bound to the escalator it could also be sharing a hobby where you improve together (like dancing), or perhaps a spiritual path.


My partner and I have definitely found a spiritual connection between us which is something I have never known before.
 
Do you mean things like marriage? Because I agree that's nothing more than a traditional symbol.

Marriage is the most clear example, yes. I also include all of the commitment symbols like hand fasting, giving titles/rankings, exchanging crowns, getting matching genital piercings, whatever... commitment symbols are all trying to accomplish the same thing so I don't make a distinction between them.
 
I personally see handfasting as a little different purely because you can have more than one.
I've done the matching tattoo thing, just a small heart with my soon to be ex wifes initial, and she had my intitial. Not such a good tattoo now we are splitting up but not as bad as the one down my back.... a row of 2 inch high numbers...ie each number is 2 inches so it goes right down the middle of my spine. It's the coordinates of where we got married. These days I like to say its where i hid the body lol.

I'm really interested in hearing other peoples views on any subjects, i believe thats how you can learn, listening to others.
 
Along the marriage, hand fasting lines

I try to find my own... Making your own totems, rings, song, rituals specific to your experience! I just don't do tats.... Lol
To each their own!
 
For some folks, that symbolic stuff is meaningful and it feels good. For some people, even demonstrating "seriousness" is a silly idea. If you say you're "serious" then you are, and if you are relationshipping and doing proper good relationshippy behaviors, then that ought to be enough indefinitely.

Personally, some of the symbolism of commitment makes me feel happy, loved and secure. Demonstrations large and small, often things that are visible to other people, too, make me feel like "he really loves me and he isn't afraid to show it!" My Zen has given me a collar. That is the BDSM traditional commitment symbol thing. Though we don't have an intense, high protocol, D/s dynamic between us really... On my end, the spirit in which I wear it is that I am devoted to him, I want to be ~his person~ and on his end, that he accepts me as his girl. I told him, that is enough...though he is welcome to make more of it, if and when he pleases.

But in any relationship, I would think that celebrating one another's successes and milestones in special ways (building traditions) is one thing that can happen, an exchange of symbolic gifts or even a gathering of friends that simply recognizes your relationship together...call it anything you like...
 
I try to find my own... Making your own totems, rings, song, rituals specific to your experience! I just don't do tats.... Lol
To each their own!

Yeah.....that tattoos weren't such a good idea lol.
 
For some folks, that symbolic stuff is meaningful and it feels good. For some people, even demonstrating "seriousness" is a silly idea. If you say you're "serious" then you are, and if you are relationshipping and doing proper good relationshippy behaviors, then that ought to be enough indefinitely.

Personally, some of the symbolism of commitment makes me feel happy, loved and secure. Demonstrations large and small, often things that are visible to other people, too, make me feel like "he really loves me and he isn't afraid to show it!" My Zen has given me a collar. That is the BDSM traditional commitment symbol thing. Though we don't have an intense, high protocol, D/s dynamic between us really... On my end, the spirit in which I wear it is that I am devoted to him, I want to be ~his person~ and on his end, that he accepts me as his girl. I told him, that is enough...though he is welcome to make more of it, if and when he pleases.

But in any relationship, I would think that celebrating one another's successes and milestones in special ways (building traditions) is one thing that can happen, an exchange of symbolic gifts or even a gathering of friends that simply recognizes your relationship together...call it anything you like...


I personally do like some of the symbolism stuff as well. It's nice to feel my partner is proud to be with me, the little things can mean as much to me like when he holds my hand while we are out. My partner has suggested matching rings some time, which I like the idea of. He's also talked briefly about giving me a collar as well. Another idea was matching tattoos... I'm a little hesitant about that after the two I have thhat I now feel i am stuck with. Obviously i didn't regret them at the time. I'd never have another name on me. I have five names alredy: my 2 living kids, my baby that I lost, an ex fiance who died and my now ex wife. Though my two living kids and wifes names are in tibetan.
 
Hi JK40,

My V did a commitment ceremony and exchanged rings. But perhaps more significantly, we got to the point where we were all three living in the same house. And our finances are commingled. That's just a few examples of the ways we're involved in each other's lives.

The best way for you to express seriousness is a way that means the most to you. Your way may be different from mine.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This is way off topic, but I feel I need to say it:

If you've been in 2 committed relationships before, and you're a sub, but you've been abused by family members and both partners... have you had therapy?

I don't know why I get this niggling feeling that your current, seemingly almost perfect, partner may turn out to be playing you. I guess it's because I was taken in, fooled, by a narcissist in a long term relationship myself a few years ago. Beware. Tread carefully and take care of yourself. A narc can pretend very well to be everything you've ever wanted in a relationship, kind, attentive, caring, great in bed, only once they've gotten you hooked, turn around and go from idealizing you to devaluing you and demoting you, gaslighting you, triangulating you with past or present partners, or outright cheating on you and throwing it in your face.

The fact that you've only been with him 2 months and already want to commit to the point of handfasting or other symbols of "seriousness," reads as a little, OK, a lot, fast to me.

You've already marked your body with the claims of 2 abusers. Why not chill just a bit, date, have fun, and in a year or 18 months, see what kind of man this guy turns out to be, once courtship (possible "grooming") and NRE are past? That's the time to plan commitment, not after just 2 months.
 
Hi JK40,

My V did a commitment ceremony and exchanged rings. But perhaps more significantly, we got to the point where we were all three living in the same house. And our finances are commingled. That's just a few examples of the ways we're involved in each other's lives.

The best way for you to express seriousness is a way that means the most to you. Your way may be different from mine.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.


Thanks for replying. I completely agree that everyones ways of showing this will be different. Being totally new to poly relationships I am trying to understand as much as I can about as many different aspects as i can. Appreciate you taking time to reply
 
This is way off topic, but I feel I need to say it:

If you've been in 2 committed relationships before, and you're a sub, but you've been abused by family members and both partners... have you had therapy?

I don't know why I get this niggling feeling that your current, seemingly almost perfect, partner may turn out to be playing you. I guess it's because I was taken in, fooled, by a narcissist in a long term relationship myself a few years ago. Beware. Tread carefully and take care of yourself. A narc can pretend very well to be everything you've ever wanted in a relationship, kind, attentive, caring, great in bed, only once they've gotten you hooked, turn around and go from idealizing you to devaluing you and demoting you, gaslighting you, triangulating you with past or present partners, or outright cheating on you and throwing it in your face.

The fact that you've only been with him 2 months and already want to commit to the point of handfasting or other symbols of "seriousness," reads as a little, OK, a lot, fast to me.

You've already marked your body with the claims of 2 abusers. Why not chill just a bit, date, have fun, and in a year or 18 months, see what kind of man this guy turns out to be, once courtship (possible "grooming") and NRE are past? That's the time to plan commitment, not after just 2 months.

Thanks for replying. I can really understand where you are coming from, but I feel maybe I haven't made myself very clear, sometimes I struggle with the right words due dyslexia and fibro that affects my memory and useage of the right words.

I have had therapy on and off for years, since my late teens. I say on and off but that is due to the therpaist saying I am ready to stop at that time. I never just decide to quit myself. I do return to therpay if things in my life become unclear.

My tatoos are names not only of my last spouse, my wifes in tibetan. The others are my two living sons, my daughter that I sadly lost to miscarriage, and one is a memorial to a late fiance who died.

I realise I have had a string of failed or bad relationships, and yes they all seemed to be that perfect person and slowly changed, so I totally understand what you are saying.
I have no contact at all with any of my past abusers, I cut strings with them all 7 years ago and my wife (divorce not final yet) more recently.

Yes my current partner does appear to be too perfect to be real, and believeme it took a LOT for me to get involved with him. He spent weeks expressing his feelings for me, all the time with me not mentioning any past experiences to him. We video chat every singled day and message constantly....but I am very cautious. I know you can not get to really know someone, the real them, in that way. He does now know all my past, I slowly told him bit by bit. He has been extremely patient and supportive and does not rush me. But yes I do still keep in mind that this could all just be a front, I have a tendancy to get myself involved with abusive people. I don'tknow why as I am always cautious and they never show an ounce of the abusive or controlling side until way into the relationship. I do bear in mind my past and will not rush into anything. Yes this new man is my partner now and it is very early days.

I am not saying I necessarily want handfasting or anything, I am merely trying to learn about every aspect of being poly, and thus this thread is asking on a subject I was unclear about. All i said was I suppose subconsciously I must want some symbol of our seriousness, but I meant in the future...the very distant future. I mean sure I hope he is 'the one' but it is far too early for anything serious like that. I hope that doesn't come across as me being offended or offensive in any way to your comments , I genuinely appreciate your reply and totally agree with you.

It's not always easy to see the narcissist behind the facade some people put on, I am not about to launch myself into anything so serious so fast. My relationship now is a long distance one, 5 or 6 hours drive between us, and there are no plans for either of us to move.

I am sub yes, but neither of my marriages were a dom sub relationship, just controlling etc. Neither spouse was into that type of relationship.

I can totally see how my brief description didn't give much clarity to the bigger picture.


Edited to add: That makes it sound like he and I haven't actually met each other but we have LOL
 
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I somehow missed the "been together 2 months" part. I'd agree with Magdlyn to take your time. As another poster sometimes says, "where's the fire?" You don't need to rush to commitment. And even if you feel your mind is solid on that being what you want, and this partner being the one you want it with, I for one have had to learn the hard way that it just works out better if you let it unfold a bit slower.

It was over a year before I even asked my Sadist to put a collar on me. It was 6 months before I even agreed that he would be my only (male) sex partner. It's about a year and a half now, and we are looking at maybe moving in together in the fall, but that is a big step for both of us. And I will not ever get a tattoo related to him on my body, unless/until he dies. I have that as a personal policy, I only get tattoos to honor my dead, not my living. Because the living ones...even your own children...the relationships still have room to change. If, say, God forbid and despite my best efforts to raise them right, one of my sons grew up to be a rapist or killer or something, I most certainly would not want a tattoo of their name on me. But once someone has died, then that relationship is not going to change any longer. That book is written. I have a portrait of my deceased Great Aunt (who was a very significant influence in my life) tattooed rather large on my leg.

It is, among tattoo artists, considered a curse on the relationship, to get (especially) your lover's name tattooed on you. A guarantee it will end, and probably end badly. I'm not sure I believe in such things as curses, but I certainly believe that some life choices have a high probability of being regrettable, and that's one of them.

You can do many other sorts of beautiful, symbolic things, and invest them with emotional weight.

But I am hoping and assuming that you are thinking to the future...and not planning commitment ceremonies and ring exchanges with someone you've been in a relationship with for only 2 months...Mags is right. It's too soon.


EDIT: We cross-posted, I did not yet see JK40's post just previous to this one, when I was typing this one. So yeah, most of my stuff is addressed there in the reply to Magdlyn.
 
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Found it! Intended this post earlier in the thread but it wound up elsewhere! Hope it's still relevant.

How to show commitment is a fascinating question. Even in just the beginning stages. So many people equate sexual/emotional fidelity with commitment.

There is also that "relationship escalator" model of relationships we were all taught. Are you familiar with that?

So.. The biggest question is for you... What is commitment if it's not exclusivity?

Are there other models in your life you can draw from that you know are committed yet not exclusive, such as your parents, family, friends?

Also, have you heard of love languages? Maybe you can ask your partner what commitment means and what they are committed to, what makes them feel secure.

Relationship Escalator Introduction


Navigating Non-Escalator Relationships
 
Found it! Intended this post earlier in the thread but it wound up elsewhere! Hope it's still relevant.

I actually saw this and have read both the pages you linked to. Foind them both very interesting to read.
 
I'm glad you took it in the spirit I intended it, JK40.

Early days indeed, and long distance to boot. It's hard to grow a relationship with 5 hours between you. I'd say moving to be nearer to him or vice versa would be a "sign of commitment," but that would be drastic and risky, even if you had a year or 18 month long relationship mostly online with only occasional visits. Sometimes pulling up roots and moving to be near a narc, or even a non-narc who has issues, will kill the relationship. The wife will get more jealous, etc.

I only date local people. Anything over 25 miles away is out of my range. I feel you can't really build a relationship without at least one date a week. I prefer 2 or 3, even if just a couple hours. But that's me. I know others manage LDRs successfully.

An online D/s relationship can be fun and provide some kink pleasure and sexual release, but for me it doesn't hold a candle to real life meetings.
 
Neither of us were actively looking for anything when we met through an old friend of mine, ( She invited me to her 40th birthday, where I met my partner.)
So we met physically first, spoke about 20 hours a day for a week...I went back down to visit him, two weeks later he came to see me. It's almost weekly we see each other, still not a lot i know. But heck no.... no plans to move for a long time! My 13 year old and I are settled where we are and I wouldn't risk dragging kiddo to a new area for someone I just met.

Besides, as you say narcs are clever at hiding their true selves and this guy could turn out to be another!
 
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