H'ok So.....

Thank you guys for the condolences. As it turns out, the major blizzard that we had forced the Celebration of Life service to be postponed, then my grandfather just had hip replacement surgery yesterday, so now we're not even doing a service until probably later in Feb. That will probably be good so that everyone can attend, but it will also be a true celebration of life since people will have had some time to grieve, and it can be a happier occasion where family can share stories and such. This weekend I think I'll be up for a day trip to help my mom sort through some of her things, which I'm not looking forward to. But I also want to see my grandpa after his surgery and be there for him. It will certainly be nice to see my family again and just spend time with them.

ok, I'm not going to spend this entire post sounding emo because the rest of my life has been filled with happy things.

This past weekend was a lazy, snowed in weekend that Sudo and I have been needing. WP took vacation time to go stay with her new-ish b/f for a little over a week (I probably should give him a name). She's coming home today but has been gone since last Tues. With her gone, Sudo had to be home every day to take care of the dogs, so I've been spending a ton of time at his place, including a 4 day weekend where I wore nothing but a robe or lingerie unless I was outside playing in the snow, which happened twice. We did a sexy pic photo shoot and just powered through some TV series and were SUPER lazy. Perfect.

Then Tues we went out on a double date with a poly couple we'd met previously at a meet up. We got dinner with them like 2 months ago before my surgery and this was the first time we got to see them again since then. We're both still slightly not sure if this is just a friendly one poly couple hanging out with another poly couple thing, or if they're interested in it being a dating thing. I'm thinking just friendly, but there just seems to be a comment every once in a blue moon that makes me wonder! I'm not going to press it though and make things awkward though unless either of them does something more obviously flirty.

Tomorrow I'm going to another poly meet-up happy hour thing for fun, and also to meet up with a guy I've been talking to on Gchat/hangouts for months. I dunno that this will really go anywhere, or that I need it to. Originally we had started talking on OCK as I was interested in him. But it never really worked out to meet, and while I was interested in his more dominant side (he's a switch), he's been exploring more of his sub side. He's come to me a bunch for advice and I've helped him be a little more comfortable with embracing his heteroflexibility and encouraged him to explore that. It seems lots of women run for the hills after learning about it in his experience, which is sad! So we've been wanting to meet up regardless, even if we just stay friends.

Then later this week on Thurs or Fri I'm hoping to get a drink or something with the Dom that I've also been talking to for around 2 months!! We've been getting extra flirty in our texting, so I really just don't want to put it off any longer since I'd hate to have so much chemistry through chatting online only for one of us to not really feel it in person. Though I think at this point that isn't very likely.
 
Oh my, so where to start? I'm gonna rant on about my date that I had this past Thursday night, cause it was great!

I'm going to need to think of a nickname for him eventually, but sadly the best 2 are ones that other people on here use for some of their peeps! He's a Dom, so Dom would work, and he's also a professor, so Professor would work, but somehow that just seems weird to use a nickname that is so similar to those in other blogs that I read regularly! For now I will just call him Date, but if things continue to work out, since we know that D/s is going to be a major part of our dynamic I may just end up calling him Sir on here anyway. But right now that just doesn't seem appropriate since I don't want to go there unless we've gotten to a point where we're solid and have negotiated stuff and have that dynamic officially.

Anyway, back to the date. So we were meeting up for some combo of dinner/drinks depending on how hungry we were. We met up and did decide to do full on dinner since we were both hungry enough. It was slightly amusing that I didn't find out until that day that he's vegetarian. I teased him a bit that I wasn't sure we could date now unless I could still eat bacon in front of him. Luckily, that wasn't a problem. Well when we ordered food it just so happens that I got a grilled cheese Panini with bacon! Totally not on purpose, but I got an amused chuckle out of him.

Dinner went well, we just talked about everything from our significant others, work stuff. I found out more about when he moved to the city and sort of what got him to where he is currently (moving around for school and then teaching and then buying a house in the city, etc.). It was just good conversation that flowed easily.

So when dinner was over, we didn't want to end the date and moved onto a bar for drinks. Throughout the course of the evening we slowly scooted closer and closer at the bar so that the evening started out with us just sitting at the end of a spaced out bar sort of turned slightly to face each other, but ended with our stools scooched close enough that our legs were bumping and he had his hand on my leg just sort of gently rubbing it (I had leggings on under my skirt, it's winter here people!).

Date is even more attractive in person than in the pictures that I'd seen on his profile, which was quite nice. He has this whole alternative look going on with a different style earring in each ear and a few rings on his fingers and this cool hair cut that looks like something some younger hipster might do, but he somehow still manages to pull off as a 40 year old dude. But it all fits with his whole philosopher personality (which is what he teaches).

We continued to talk about anything and everything, travel, poly stuff, all that jazz. And actually, on the SLOW walk from dinner to drinks (I was wearing tall heels that weren't doing my feet any favors!) we took some time to just talk a bit about expectations, availability, etc. I made a point to ask if he and his wife had any sort of strict rules (mainly wanted to make sure I didn't have concerns about veto power). We also talked a bit about the fact that he and his wife are new to poly. They've been playing with others for a long time, but never ventured out solo before, and they've also never incorporated the D/s element with others outside of their relationship. Given that, they're both trying to be good about making sure that they communicate a lot and move at a pace that works for both of them, which I totally respect. The conversation that we had about all of it really put my mind at ease that I wasn't going to have to worry about random freak-outs and having the plug pulled randomly without discussions. So I'm super happy about that.

Anyway, eventually, it was almost 1am and time to call it a night. Date walked me out so that I could get a cab before he went for his car. He waited with me till the cab showed up and took that opportunity to turn a normal good-night kiss into this delicious Dommy, him pushing me up against the wall and making out and grabbing my ass.. not even stopping when someone else walked out the doors of the bar and past us. It was HOT and I enjoyed every second of it!

Of course, we both did the polite, letting each other know when we were home safe thing, etc. So it was good to hear from him almost immediately after the date and not feel like I was going to have to wait who knows how long to hear back. He even texted me good morning the next day.

Since then, lots of hardcore flirting and messaging keeping me turned on! On top of that, I just started my period a few days ago, which you'd think isn't relevant, but I have super light periods that don't interfere with sex, and I don't PMS, instead I just have raging hormones that ramp up my sex drive like woah and leave me wanting sex all the damn time, even when I've just had it. So needless to Say, Sudo isn't exactly suffering while I'm squee-ing over things with Date moving in a positive direction.

At this point, we're hoping we can make some plans together for next week. This week is pretty busy for both of us, plus he wanted time to be able to do a check-in with his wife and make sure everything was still all good on their end. So I'll just have to see how it goes, but in the meantime, we're still messaging away!
 
I read your blog :) Reading about another Prof would be a little strange but I guess it will happen one day. Feel free to go with Dom. I need to change Mr Dom's nickname anyway. I am not creative and struggle to come up with names and I am too lazy to type anything long. It would drive me nuts to type out Punkrockawesomesauce, thought it is a brilliant name. Folks on here come up with such cool names.
 
PunkRockAwesomesauce pops up as a shortcut option on my phone now, so all I ever have to type is the first three letters! :)
 
Atlantis, after reading your blog regularly, even if you changed Mr. Dom's name I think in my head it would still feel weird for me to refer to my guy as Dom as well! Though that seems silly since it's not like no one ever has the same name. I'm sure I'll manage to think of something eventually, but I'm also terrible at coming up with names!

Bluebird, I usually do all my updates on my computer, not my phone.... so I too had originally thought "omg, I can't imagine typing that out all the time!" but if you use your phone that totally makes more sense!
 
Well, when I update from my laptop, I use the nickname PunkRock more often, for sure. :)

To be truthful - I say AWESOMESAUCE! a lot in real life. That, and amazeballs and jerkface. I'm...endearing, I guess you'd say. lmao
 
Hilarious.
You type blog entries on your phone? Impressive!
We have had a few folks use the same names of blogs but anything is better than single letters, "X met Y in a bar", I find that hard to follow.
Mr Dom is so much more than a Dom. But the name is kind of sticking in my head.
 
If the name works, go for it!

I'm super excited today. It's my last full day before I work a half day from home tomorrow and then our polycule is off to a cabin with a big hot tub for a long weekend trip away! YAY! I mean, I'm a little sad that Sudo and I aren't going to winterfire (huge annual BDSM event) but the relaxing weekend is going to be wonderful. Of course, the cable better be working so that we can watch the season premier of The Walking Dead or there will be problems! But otherwise, excited! We'll cook all our meals and just chill and spend time together like a big squishy family. Disgustingly adorable, yes?

I'm also keeping an eye out for updates from family. My grandfather is back in the hospital now. He had hip replacement surgery right after my grandma passed, but the past few days he was super dizzy and other issues. Turns out the found 3 ulcers so he was losing a lot of blood! Anyway, they're keeping him a few days but I think everything is treatable and he can be back on the road to recovery and on his feet. He's gonna be 90 this year, and I know it will be hard for him without grandma, but he's always been the strong one. We know that he'll only be happy as long as he's still physically able to do things like ride his lawn mower and be outside, etc. So this hip surgery was really needed to get him well again. I talked to my mom about some cool ideas to make gardening much easier for both her and my grandpa as possible birthday ideas for them (raised gardens with possible irrigation installed to limit bending over and hauling water).

Also, I'm going to change my signature and update my handle for Sudo's wife. I had called her WP, which was stupid since I know that people hate it when initials get used since it's hard to follow. Maybe if it's just 1 person it isn't a big deal, but whatever, I'm just going to make it easier so Sudo's wife is now going to be known as Moosh. I figure that will be easier to remember anyway since Boris calls her Moosh and Mooshy in real life anyway.

I still really want to call Date something better, but I probably should wait until we've been on at least 1 more date and things are going somewhere. I'm still super squee-ing over him big time. I think it's only now that I have a hot Dom in my grasp (I mean, can he really be in my grasp or am I in his?!) that I'm realizing just how much I've really been wanting this in my life. So even if things with Date don't work for some reason, I'll definitely be prioritizing kink needs when it comes to dating.
 
ok, working out the name additions and changes, So scratch that. Sudo's Wife, who was formerly referred to as WP, is going to be Peach. Not Moosh as I had previously mentioned. I can identify with that more in my brain since the reference is "Princess Peach" and she likes jewelry, fashion, painting her nails, make-up, and all that girly stuff. So mentally that's just fitting more for me.

I've also finally decided to pick a name for my date guy, who is now going to by Mr. Hyde. I like it since it has a formal "Mr." in front of it to go with that whole Dom type thing. But he identifies as "Primal" as his, er... Dom style? (I don't really know what the terminology would be), rather than someone who just goes for high protocol and formal obedience. But he doesn't really look like he would be the aggressive type if a random person just saw him, so I'm enjoying the whole Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde idea in my mind. It makes sense in my mind, at least, even if I'm not really finding my words right now.

I'm going to start a new post to actually talk about the latest happenings.
 
So yeah, this past weekend was... interesting. Full of ups and downs. I mean, the downs weren't really mine, but they still aren't fun to watch.

We had our cabin trip this past weekend. Sudo, Peach, and I drove up Friday and got to the Cabin first. Boris and Natasha arrived not that much after. During the ride up, Peach talked to us about how her relationship with Boris and Natasha has been rocky lately and she's been really unhappy. Basically she had already told them that if they didn't all get some therapy to work through some issues, she didn't see how the relationship could possibly survive. A plan was in place, but things were delicate. She was hoping this weekend would be good for them, etc.

Well it wasn't. I mean, it was a great weekend for Sudo and I. We relaxed, ate yummy food that we all took turns cooking. Got in the hot tub a bunch of times even though it was anywhere between 15-35 degrees outside, and just had lots of snuggling. I read my entire book for the monthly book club (The Bishop's Wife, which made me think that the Mormon religion is just that much more crazy than I ever thought!). .....However, Boris was drunk the ENTIRE weekend, and Natasha wasn't really that far behind. Fortunately they're not violent drunks or anything like that, but Boris gets super obnoxious. That plus a combination of other things just made the whole weekend full of anxiety for Peach and she was over it. We ended up leaving super early Monday morning because of expected snow and ice, but Peach would have gladly left Sat night just to get out of there. Actually, I wish she'd expressed to us just how bad of a time she was having and we'd have supported that, but she didn't want to ruin everyone elses's weekend.

Monday evening, our friend Ty, came over and the 4 of us stayed at Sudo and Peach's place. That evening, Peach told us that she feels like her and Boris' relationship is emotionally abusive (gaslighting, and manipulation and such so that she feels like she can't really express her feelings, concerns, etc. without having everything turned around on her, and other such things) and that she just wasn't sure what to do. We talked it through and she was planning to take a 2 week no-contact break to collect her thoughts, seek out a therapist, and figure out if she needed to end the relationship or if she wanted to try and work through things with them in therapy knowing it would be a long road, etc.

I ended up working from their place on Tues because of snow delays, but next thing I know, Peach is back home at lunch time because she just couldn't get through the work day. Boris handled the news horribly, blew up and eventually broke things off. Her and I talked about it for a long time, which I hope helped her at least from a venting perspective. He did ultimately message her an apologize and say he was just freaking out and would give her the 2 weeks that she wanted. But I have no idea now if they're considered broken up, on a break, or what. Either way, I'm glad she's got an appointment already now with a therapist scheduled and she'll have time to figure out her next steps. Between Sudo, Joe, and her extended poly network and friends though I know she'll be supported, but I can't even imagine how hard this is for her.

The rest of this week things have been back to sort of normal-ish. Sudo stayed with me last night (I probably would have sent him home to be with Peach since it normally would have been the night for Boris to come to her place, but he was already out late for a work retreat dinner thing that was way closer to me and him commuting home just didn't make sense). Things with Date, now called Mr. Hyde, are still looking good. We're working on the scheduling for a date this Thurs! I think he might come to my place, but we're also currently in the middle of the whole getting tested discussion, so there will likely be limitations on how physical things can get. But damned if I won't find other fun ways to play a bit in the mean time. In between all that fun stuff, or before or after or whatever, we'll probably also have a more comprehensive negotiation regarding the BDSM stuff so that as we progress more into that, there will already be set limits and an understanding of desires, hesitations, etc. Still Squee-ing!
 
I'm not good at keeping up on my posts....

So things keep on keeping on. Peach is in some sort of flux with Boris and Natasha. She's seen them individually for dinner or plans, and Sunday night Boris came over for dinner with the 3 of us. I don't really know what they are at this point. They seem to be trying to slowly step back into things. Plan more structured time together with an actual activity vs Peach just going to their place for a whole weekend. And I think all 3 of them are continuing individual therapy, so I'm leaving the signature changed for now. I do think that they're working to fix the relationship though, which is good as long as they're able to fix the underlying issues that caused all the drama and heartache. I'm just sorta sitting back and watching though to see how things go. I mean, it's not really my business, so what else can I do? I do hope that they're all happy, or able to be happy in the long run though.

Saturday we had a fondue dinner thingy with Sudo, Peach, and our friend Brit (he's got a British accent). I'm pretty sure I haven't named him in this blog previously, but he's the 4th person that we've been talking about this whole co-habitation plan with. Sudo and Peach have been friends with him for about a decade. Anyway, during dinner and leading up to it we talked more shop about house stuff. So now Brit is working on either having a friend rent his condo, or selling it, and he's going to plan to move into Sudo and Peach's house probably by the end of the month. The original thought process was that he would just rent an apartment and move (he changed jobs and his new job is close to where Sudo and Peach live, but like an hour commute from his current condo). Well since this original plan was discussed, prices have exploded in the area he was looking at and it just doesn't make sense. Since he only would have been renting in the short term anyway until we figured out house crap, Peach suggested that he move in and they could convert their office into a 3rd bedroom.

So we all talked the logistics of that, and assuming his situation with his friend (who he trusts) hopefully renting his condo, things are going to be put in motion! It doesn't really change things for me any, but it will save a bunch of money for the 3 of them and they'll be able to increase their savings toward the future house downpayment. My savings rate is unchanged, but we all know that we won't be contributing equally. We'll put up a downpayment based on all the savings that everyone is able to accumulate and probably work up some sort of personal contract between us that will balance that payment out over time, either through those who paid less making payments to whoever paid more, or by just tweaking the division of the mortgage payments appropriately, etc. All of this will probably be part of the sort of documentation we would end up needing to coordinate with a lawyer on. Fortunately we know several, so we might even be able to not drop an arm and a leg on that!

All of this still makes me happy because it's more progress than just "let's talk about the idea of all living together someday!" If Brit is moving in, he doesn't want to live like that long term. Ideally no more than a year, though if all is going well, he might be able to stretch it to 18 months. So this is sort of an official clock starter for getting things moving. I've already started working with Sudo to go through closets and get rid of crap in boxes under beds and things that they don't want to keep or move to a new place. It's all very exciting and I'm eager to see where it all goes. There will definitely be some major pros and cons to this living arrangement and it's going to be a HUGE shift for all of us. Scary, but exciting!

Mr. Hyde (Warman from these board suggested I call him Mr. Grey, a la 50 shades of Grey since I wasn't thinking of a good nickname, but at this point I've changed peoples names around so much I feel like I probably just need to stick to it).... anyway, Mr. Hyde and I have another date again this Thurs night after my book club. We're both excited to see each other, but I don't think he's going to have his STD test results back by then, so we're going to be stuck with the same limitations as last time. I'm eager to also just do more talking about some BDSM negotiations, scheduling in general, and just everything. Plus I just want to kiss is sexy face!

Of course, I'm also now talking to someone else on OKC, which I'm not sure how I feel about. He's cute, a doctor, tall, good looking.... but I'm wondering if this is going to lead to me biting off more than I can chew again. It feels like Mr. Hyde and I won't get to see each other that often, so I might have a little more room for 1 more casual partner. But at the same time, I'd like to see My. Hyde more often if our schedules eventually can be worked out that way. Scheduling is something that is still a big obstacle that Mr. and Mrs. Hyde are working through and just sort of seeing how the chips fall as they start dating and balance that with family and 2 young kids. Anyway, I haven't really made any promises to the new OKC guy yet, so it's not a huge deal, but we'll see. I also want to try and be careful and not totally overload Sudo with me dating again. Ugh, this would be so much easier if we just lived together already!
 
Life continues to be good. Thurs night with Mr. Hyde was fantastic. He brought along his toy bag so we had an actual play session instead of just the more vanilla making out/sexy times. He brought his "play collar" not the formality of collaring a sub, more like just a collar to put on for a play session. So I was wearing this nice heavy chain and rope choker collar on a chain leash for most of the night! Considering this was the first time he used any impact tools on me (floggers, etc.) he did an excellent job of not pushing limits and checking in on how I felt without it feeling like it was interrupting the scene. Given that I'm not really that much into pain and don't have a particularly high tolerance, I was still super pleased with it all. For both him and me it's not really about the pain so much as the reinforcing the submission. He's hoping he'll get his test results today, so I can't wait to finally be able to lift the restrictions on sexy times. I mean, all of that is assuming the results come back ok, but he's expecting that they will. Which, of course, means that if we're both surprised by bad news I'm going to be beyond upset if I have to end this. Technically we could play indefinitely with restrictions, but that's not what either of us is looking for in the long run and I'd rather that we could both be happy and find partners that we can have sex with given our limited free time anyway. I'm going to continue to be optimistic and hope that this testing will have been nothing but a formality to prove what we both expected.

Oh, he did steal my panties though and said I could have them back next time, which was cute. Well, I say steal but he told me he was taking them :p
We also talked schedules and at least for the next few months it looks like we'll likely only see each other every other week. Once his teaching schedule relaxes for summer we'll hopefully have an easier time making plans.

The latest OKC guy that I've been talking to, we'll call him Doc since he's a doctor, might be able to do drinks tonight. So if we can coordinate that, we'll meet up. Still not sure what to expect from that but I figure this first meeting will be very telling.

The weekend itself was busy. Family stuff, baby shower, friends, and spending a little time with Sudo (and for a bit of that with Peach too). I honestly just don't feel like writing all of it up at the moment. But I will note that it's super cute that when I have plans on a weekend and can't spend the whole weekend with Sudo he makes a cute pouty face and acts all bummed out. I mean, of course we both have lives and things happen! He knows that and doesn't give me crap about it, but it's adorable that he just wants to spend every free moment with me when he can get it. Not that I don't feel the same, I just have a much busier social/family calendar than him, so he always ends up with more down time than me. I think that suits his super introverted nature though, as he will complain if we both have a ton of crap on the calendar (even if it's together crap) that keeps us from being able to just have lazy evenings/days to lounge.
 
Holy Moly did I have a weird scare last night!!

So Sudo came to my place after work and we went out to dinner. We had some amazing food and when we got home I was in food coma mode and was practically falling asleep on the couch. A friend of his, we'll call her Elle, called so he took it and went into my room to chat while I sorta napped on the couch. Sudo and Elle have been trying to work out plans to hang out. They dated briefly years ago, but some sad circumstances in her life caused her to pull away and end the relationship. They've since been back in touch as friends, and certainly flirty maybe just a bit more than friends, but I dunno where it's going beyond that. I know Sudo would like to date her again, and I think that sounds cool, but she seems to be hesitant for reasons that she's not been articulating to him very well. Whatever, he respects her decision and is certainly happy to just be cuddly friends with her too. Anyway, I digress, since that's all background and besides the point!

So I wake up from having fallen asleep on the couch, wasn't sure how much time had passed and Sudo was still on the phone. He ended up coming out a few minutes later still on the phone with Elle and was asking me about Mr. Hyde!

Sudo: "Hey, isn't Mr. Hyde from That Location?"
Me: "Yeah..."
Sudo: "How old is he?"
Me: "Um, like 40?"
Sudo: "Has he been to China recently?"
Me: "Well I know he's been, but I'm not sure how recently, but probably?"
Sudo: "I think Elle is going on a date with him on Sunday."
Me: "................................"

At this point, we start trading more and more details. Of course, I'm sitting here saying, well that's ok, he's allowed to date other people and we never had any sort of conversations that assumed that between his wife and me that he wasn't going to be looking to date anyone else. But then she says she met him on OKC, he told me he didn't have an OKC profile. Ok, maybe he just recently created one. I did notice that his wife just finally created a FetLife profile and they linked to each other's profiles, so he could have just been expanding things. No need to worry.

But I'm saying things like "Wait, Elle is a Domme, why would she go on a date with Mr. Hyde?" and she's saying "Oh, this guy I'm talking to is a tool and I'm really just going on this date because he needs to be torn down a notch." Saying that he's been acting all "Domly Dom" and saying stuff like no one can ever top him and he's had Dommes try to top/Domme him and he ends up topping/Doming them. BLEH! And her, being not only a Domme, but definitely a sadist as well, just enjoys putting ass-hats like that in their place. So all of this convo is going on, and I'm saying "This can't be Mr. Hyde. He doesn't act like that at all!" And yet more details are lining up! Same number of kids, that sound like they're around the same age. Her dude is 43, so I was like, "oh well I think Mr. Hyde is only 40" but then I pull up his Fet profile and he's 43!! And the heights were only different by an inch, etc. Same number of kids, who sound to be about the same age, etc. So now I'm having a WTF moment but still thinking "No, these can't be the same guy because the guy she's describing is a douche and Mr. Hyde definitely isn't!" So Elle gives us the OKC profile name and I pull it up, because by this time she's on speakerphone and we're all going "OMG, WTF!" The faces are blurred, so I can't really see that. They look pretty similar, but the hair is a different cut, the jaw line seems a bit off, the shirtless pic that shows abs seems a little off. I'm thinking this can't be the guy, but the differences aren't super dramatic, and there are SO many other similarities including country of origin, kids, and all that crap! Ah! And after all of this, she suddenly remembers that he emailed her a selfie that had a face shot! So she sends us the pic and finally I see it and can say definitively, "OMG, whew, it's DEFINITELY not Mr. Hyde!"

Of course, at this point we could laugh about it and talk about how much fun Elle is going to have on her date because this other Dom is either going to own up to the fact that he's actually looking to get dominated (as he's made some comments that imply to her that he is, and yet he still is talking this big game about what a Dom he is) and it will be all good and they can maybe eventually get to that point, or he'll continue to act like a jerk and she'll still get to put him in place that way and have fun. Maybe not so much my style since all of that takes way more energy than the guy might be worth, but if she gets some fun out of it and he maybe learns a lesson on not being a douche-bag, then so be it!

So yeah, that was my crazy evening!
 
What is it—doppelgänger day? I just discovered that Rita is my bizarro-world double and now you posted this! Eek!
 
Ha! Happy Doppelgänger Day!

Wow, so I finally have something beyond what feels like just more same-old same-old to report.

So it looks like Sudo and Elle are going to pick back up some sort of dating relationship!

They got together last night for dinner and hanging out. Sudo was expecting it to just be platonic, but flirty. Though at the same time I'd been joking that he needed to call her out on the fact that she finally was going back on OKC and yet here he was interested and she was holding back on wanting to date (even though they both like and really care about each other). Well lo and behold, they talked some stuff out and the evening ended in some making out and even exchanging "I love you"s. Of course, to you readers that might sound crazy and fast, but these guys have known each other for years and dated before. For one reason or another it always seemed to be a bad time, or one of the was holding back. But whatever happened, they talked things out and got past that wall. It sounds like they're both on the same page in that there's no expectation for it to turn into a frequent thing like seeing each other several days a week, or her eventually joining the living situation, but I think they will now try to make a better effort to get together. For now my guess is somewhere around once every 1-2 weeks plus regular texting/calling. So probably about the level of frequency that Mr. Hyde and I are going to be working with.

Anyway, I'm excited for Sudo since I know he's been interested in her for a long time!

Really, I think the only thing that I'm even a little nervous about is how this will impact our BDSM dynamic. I noted before that Elle is a Domme, and it comes quite naturally to her, so I'm sure that it will be part of their dynamic. I am NOT a natural Domme. So it's been quite a learning curve to try and incorporate more of that into our relationship. I'm enjoying it, but don't feel like I've really been able to devote as much focus to it as I'd like, and I just don't feel that confident with it yet. Mainly, I just have that little bit of insecurity that whatever D/s dynamic they develop will just emphasize my noob-ness. Fortunately this is a fairly fleeting insecurity. Realistically I know that if anything, she'll be a great resource for me having questions about stuff, which is awesome!

OMG, OMG, OMG, so it's taken me forever to type this around various interruptions, but one of those is that Mr. Hyde messaged me that he got his test results and everything is good so HELLO FULL-ON SEXY TIMES! *squeeeee* Instantly my libido is in overdrive now (you're welcome Sudo, since you're the one I'll be taking that energy out on tonight). Super bummed that I won't get to see him for another week, but the build up to that is going to be crazy!
 
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So you're a sub to Mr Hyde and a (newbie) Domme to Sudo. Is the D/s aspect really important to you and Sudo?

What kind of a person is Elle, going on a date with a dom just to rip off his balls (so to speak)? haha Do you question her ethics and taste level?
 
The D/s with Sudo isn't anywhere close to 24/7. It's really just in the bedroom and even then not always in the bedroom. Sometimes it's more D/s, sometimes it's more just top/bottom. Sometimes it's just kinky fun with toys and such and doesn't feel very D/s. We're kinda still working it out, but kink in general has definitely been part of our relationship from the start. We've also just really enjoyed further exploring all sorts of kinks to find out what we really like. Sudo is naturally super submissive. I don't dislike doing Domme stuff, I just sometimes feel like I need to "fake it till I make it" and have a little more experience under my belt to just feel confident in a scene. I don't think D/s is a necessary part of our relationship, but since I am actually interested in exploring it, we're giving it a go. It's just definitely a big learning curve for me.

As for Elle, from what I can tell she's actually a pretty nice person (I'll have a much stronger opinion tonight since I'm meeting her in person (we're all going to one of the local play spaces for their glow party and I'm super excited to try out some hot wax play that is going to be glow in the dark colors!). I think if this guy wasn't still pursuing her so much she wouldn't bother. But he knows she's a Domme and not a switch and yet he's still wanting the date and all. From various comments he's apparently said to her, she thinks he actually wants to be dominated but won't admit it, so for her it could still potentially lead to a good play date in the future and this dude improving some bad behavior all at the same time. If she were out there just purposefully luring people out on dates to treat them like shit I'd totally think she was a horrible person, but at this point, the guy appears to be bringing it on himself. I don't think she's been anything less than straight up with him about who she is.
 
This weekend was so good in so many ways and so bad in so many others. I'm still struggling a bit with how quickly it went from fun happy, to upset and crying.

Sat started off with a productive day. Sudo and I did some painting at his house and some other things on the to-do check list like taking a car load of crap to a donation center, etc. We had some great sexy times where we tried some new things, so that was really awesome. Sat evening we were planning to attend a glow party at a local play space, and Elle was going to come along. I'd finally get to meet her and Sudo would get to spend time with both of us. We decided to see if she wanted to come early so we could all get dinner, which worked well since that way we were meeting first in a casual setting and not half naked! Elle was great. We got along wonderfully, spent WAY too much time talking about surgery (she's had some of the same things done that I have and has surgery scheduled to basically get all of the remaining things done). We got to the play space and had a great time there too. I tried out hot wax play for the first time with someone there who is very experienced and does demos and such. It was awesome! As someone who is so cold so often, the heat of the wax was just... mmmm. I was joking that I was warm for the first time in my life! hehe. None of us did any private play or anything like that, and Sudo did a really good job of balancing the attention between us. We met new people, had fun conversations, etc. They were doing a game of spin the bottle in one area of the play space that was intended to be a fun ice breaker for meeting people, so we all went to do that. The rules were that there was a bucket with 3 slips of paper that said kiss, spank, and pinch. You spin the bottle, who ever it points to picks a paper and the spinner gets to do that action to the person who picked out the paper, but the person on the receiving end can negotiate where, how, etc. So you could get a little light butt slap if it's not your thing, or a kiss on the hand/cheek if that's not your thing, etc. Sudo had never in his life played spin the bottle, which was another reason we were like "OMG, we have to go do this!" Of course, his first kiss was dudo on dudo action! haha. He even took it like a champ and gave the guy a quick kiss on the lips.

The group grew and shrank over time, but at the largest had about 15 people and at the smallest maybe 8? I had my very first girl kiss ever! Girls have such soft lips! haha. I even ended up drawing Kiss between Elle and I twice, so Sudo got to enjoy that show.

Basically, the night was super fun and everything was going really well. We headed back home really late, but Elle had enough to drink that she needed to wait at Sudo's place for a while before she thought she'd be ok to drive. The 3 of us cuddled up on the couch with Sudo between us and we just snuggled in silence and occasionally exchanged kisses (not Elle and I, that was only for the silly game). But this is where it turns south really fast.

We were all just laying around long enough that it was crazy late. Especially when you add in the time change. Clearly it was late enough that I didn't see how Elle was going to be going home. Everyone was really tired and I wouldn't have expected that, yet no one was going to bed. I'm pretty sure that Sudo was struggling to figure out what he really wanted, since I think he wanted private time with Elle, but didn't want to leave me either, etc. But he wasn't speaking up and I'm not a damned mind-reader. I was tired and now my back was starting to hurt from how I was sitting next to Sudo on the couch so finally I was over waiting for him to speak up about what he wanted to do with us (At this point Elle looked to be half-asleep on his other arm). I said, it was late enough that if Elle was going to be staying here for the night then we should all just go upstairs to bed (thinking that if we were only going to have platonic cuddles then I really don't care if we all share the same bed), but quietly said that if he wanted a moment with Elle he should say so. He sort of nodded at that point (I mean, it was kind of weird to try and have that conversation with her right there). I got up, and went upstairs and he had to walk the dogs etc. So now I'm left unsure of exactly what the hell is going to happen. I figured either they'd come up and we'd all just pass out, or they might take a little time to fool around but wouldn't be long.

But I also couldn't fall asleep even though I was exhausted because this was just a super foreign situation for me. And after waiting, I finally hear it.... manage to hear a few sounds floating upstairs that they're fooling around. There are no condoms downstairs, so if things were going to go to the point of sex, Sudo would have to come upstairs to get something.... and he eventually does. At this point, I'm upset. I really don't care if he wanted to have sex with her, or that he actually did. Heck, I'm not even upset that I heard it. Granted, it was very jarring to finally hear it for the first time. I've never actually heard him with someone else. Known about it? Sure. Heard it? No. Did it feel awesome? Nope. In any other context where it wouldn't have been the first time of me hearing it, do I think I'd have been upset? I really don't think so. But given that I haven't heard this before, I really expected that he could have popped upstairs before they started fooling around, or hell, when he knew he had to get a condom (I was in the guest room, he chose to go get one from the master room) and done some sort of check-in with me to, I dunno, warn me? Make sure that emotionally I was ok?

So here I am, hearing them, not able to fall asleep for the life of me. Even when they're done, I still can't fall asleep. But it's quiet. So now I don't know if one or both of them are eventually coming upstairs? Is he going to fall asleep cuddling her on the couch and leave me up here to myself? And oh shit, I need to stop looking like I've been crying because if she comes upstairs with him (which she did), I don't want her to be horrified by seeing that I was upset and thinking that she did something wrong, because, frankly, I don't think she did and I don't blame her at all.

Yet here they both come after I finally hear moving around downstairs. She talks to me for a bit while he's out of the room and is kinda like "uh, what now? This is sorta awkward!" Background here, she's poly, but not used to meeting and being around metamours. So this whole interaction, and staying over at one person's place when a metamour is there, is also foreign to her! She said that she offered to sleep on the couch, but Sudo insisted she didn't have to (I'm sure because I'd already basically offered that the 3 of us could sleep together, but I did that before knowing they were going to have fucked). She already said she was feeling awkward, so I flat out said "oh no, you do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't want to sleep here (inside I'm thinking oh please don't say you want to sleep in here) you don't have to. Sudo can make up the other bed if that would be more comfortable for you." Luckily, Elle is not dumb. She already feels awkward, I admitted it was awkward, and I think she could tell I wasn't entirely ok. She said she was taking the couch and that was that. So while she was going through the bathroom and all that, Sudo came into the room and sat down and mentioned something about going to bed and I just said "um, after you get a shower (he normally always showers before bed anyway)". But given that it was now around 6 in the morning he said "I've had like 4 showers today (post painting, earlier in the day sexy times, etc.), I think I'll be fine until morning." Oh hell no! He may have washed his face and given himself a basic sponge bath when he went through the bathroom, but I wasn't having it. I just said "No. You're getting a shower." At which point I think I FINALLY dawned on him that I wasn't in a good place.

To be continued....
 
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So now that Elle is back downstairs and Sudo returns after a shower and crawls in bed and I'm fighting myself to not start crying again, he finally gets it and asks if I'm ok, and while I choke out the words "I'll be fine" he realizes that I'm not. But I'm upset, and I'm exhausted, and my head isn't clear enough to really talk about it in detail, so I cry in his arms, say that I'm so glad she's not staying in the room with us, tell him that this is the first time I've ever actually HEARD him be intimate with someone, but let him know that I'm not angry that they had sex, but that I need to process. So now he feels like shit and is apologizing for making me upset and saying that he didn't mean to ruin the end of the night, blah blah blah.

We finally go to sleep and Elle is gone before I even get out of bed. She left when Sudo got up to walk the dogs and they had a chance to say goodbye.

So he cuddles me more in the morning, and I cry more, because I still can't stop feeling sad and thinking about it. Finally, I tell him that we need to talk about it more. I needed to make sure he fully understood what the problem was. So I made sure that it was clear that I wasn't upset that they had sex, or even that I'd heard it, and if Elle realized I was upset I didn't want her to think that I was upset with her or what they did. I was upset with how HE handled it. I made sure he realized it shouldn't have been ME that had to finally speak up about going to bed and figuring out what the hell he wanted and that he should have taken a few moments to have a conversation with me about what he wanted to happen, even if that meant making things a little awkward by leaving Elle on the couch for a few minutes while he talked to me. And that to top it off, after they were done having sex, he should have checked in with me ALONE to make sure I was ok instead of both of them coming upstairs together and walking into the bedroom where I was sleeping together! W.T.F.

I honestly don't know what he was thinking. Or I can only assume that he wasn't thinking at all. I get that up to that moment, I'd shown absolutely nothing but compersion for him when it came to him dating other women. I've encouraged him to date other people, had no problems hearing about when he's been intimate with other women (we generally don't exchange nitty gritty details, but I know how far things have gotten on dates because we both agree that we want to know when sex is or is going to start happening with a new partner). I've never shown a smidge of jealousy, or envy or sadness, or anything like that. But none of that was within ear shot. None of that was on a weekend that was usually our time together as a couple. None of that was after we went to a play space that was originally something we planned as a couple, and just sort of last minute invited his other g/f along because we knew she'd enjoy the event itself. So maybe this was partly that my expectation was that the sex would be with me? I mean, even if he had done the right things and talked to me about it first, I think I probably would have wished that I'd be the one having sex with him instead, but I'd at least have been able to look at it logically and say to myself "don't be greedy, you had great sex earlier today, and Sudo is probably itching to finally have sex with Elle again (oh, did I mention this was the first time they'd had sex since getting back together?) and you can have sex with him tomorrow!" I'd have had a little twinge of feeling and then just gotten over it. So I think that's only a tiny piece of it. Mainly, I just think Sudo did the worst job every of taking my feelings into account and anticipating my emotional needs. And is he a mind reader? Do I expect him to know exactly how I'm going to feel? Not at all. But that's exactly why he should have used his BRAIN and had a check in with me first, even if only for a quick moment. At least I could have mentally prepared myself and probably wouldn't have felt so horrible. And then the who afterwards part wouldn't have also been so horrible.

So things went from awesome, to shitty instantly, and the next day I was still struggling to compose myself and get out of my funk. We cancelled on going to a monthly poly meet-up brunch near my apt because I couldn't get out of bed in time and I just wasn't emotionally in a good space to socialize with mostly strangers, but we'd already agreed to help a friend of mine around 1pm with an Ikea trip (she doesn't have a car and needed to pick up furniture since she move a new apt). So we did that, which I was hoping would cheer me up. I mean, we'd already talked through everything and were good there, I just needed time to get rid of the funk. The trip was fun, and we were able to laugh and all, but I was just tired by the time it was done and really wanted to get back to my place. We were only going to have about 2 hours before Sudo had to leave to get back home, since Peach would have then been home from a dinner with her mom and they hadn't had any real quality face-time in a while.

So here I am just really needing to be cuddled, and actually wanting to have some intimacy to reconnect and 10 minutes into cuddling on the couch, Sudo is sleeping. The rational part of my brain is saying "he got just as little sleep as you did last night (at best 3 hours, maybe more like 2) and he's exhausted and probably couldn't help it." But everything else inside of me is just screaming "WTF, I've been crying and depressed all day and just need some comfort and you sleeping isn't giving me fucking comfort. If all you're going to do is sleep, then why even bother staying here?!" I let him nap for a bit, hoping that a cat nap will help and that eventually we can actually cuddle, but I'm also shitty at just speaking up when I need something sometimes. I couldn't just wake him up and tell him that I needed him to be awake and cuddle with me and maybe even have sex with me. Not that I really know why or what was stopping me. I think maybe I felt like I shouldn't have HAD to ask for that. He could see on my face ALL DAY LONG that I was struggling to be happy and cheer up. That even after I did have good moments where I was happy, I was easily sinking back into feeling unhappy. So why WOULDN'T I have wanted comfort in those last few hours of togetherness before we were apart for 2 nights? Why WOULD I want him to just sleep away that time?! Am I crazy for expecting him to anticipate that need? Should I really have to verbalize that?

So I get to a point where I can just lay there in his arms anymore, once again stuck awake and unable to sleep myself, listening to him breathe/sleep while I'm once again crying silently. So I got up and started to be productive. I had laundry to do, and my bag from the weekend to unpack. And if he wants to nap, I can at least be getting shit done. So now that I'm not staying on the couch with Sudo and he hears me moving around, putting clothes away, etc. he seems to finally realize that I'm upset again and comes over to hug me and ask me what's wrong and that he's never seen me like this (upset for so long a period of time). He asks what I want, and I tell him I just want him to hold me, so we stand there with me crying into him for a bit. I'm sad, but I'm also angry, so when he ask asks if I want to go sit down on the couch I can't help but say "Are you actually going to stay awake?" Ugh, I know, passive-aggressive much? I hate that and it's normally not my style. But when I'm angry I want the other person to hurt like I do. Which is exactly why I generally keep my anger in check, since I know how to hurt people but just happen to know that it's a shitty thing to do and try not to. But in this case, it felt like a quick and easy way to make Sudo realize that I was unhappy that he was sleeping without me crying and blubbering on about how I just wanted comfort and intimacy in those last few hours.

Anyway, we finally cuddled on the couch, but in a more upright position not conducive to falling asleep. We talked out a few more things, and when I was finally in less of a shitty mood I let him know that I'd been hoping we would have had time for intimacy before he had to leave, but he had been thinking that since I was upset he didn't want to push it. Push it?! Sudo rarely initiates sex anyway, what is he going to push? If he'd stayed awake long enough *I* would have initiated. He just didn't stay awake long enough for that to happen! Ugh, but I digress and that's just internal thoughts and not something I said since I didn't want to get into another discussion about yet another thing.

To be continued again....
 
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