Poly in the Military

BonzaiBlitz

New member
This has been on my mind today, and I thought it could make a good discussion here.

DISCLAIMER: All of the experiences I've been partied to on this subject have been WIVES of deployed HUSBANDS, so that obviously influences my thoughts on this topic. Feel free to provide insight into the struggles of other types of couples in this area.

As I've stated before, I live in the Bible Belt, aka Repression Central for the United States of America.
The military is basically worshiped here (sometimes literally, depending on how much energy a particular church dedicates to celebrating men and women in uniform), and for many low-SES high school students it is their only way to afford a higher education or have any kind of steady employment.

As a result, there are hundreds if not thousands of military couples around, and for many it is a nightmare of anxiety and emotional neglect.

Military spouses often need more emotional/physical/financial support due to their circumstances, but in many cases are expected to be able to brush off those needs for the sake of their deployed spouse, WHILE providing emotional support for their deployed spouse whenever they interact.
To say nothing of any children involved.
Given how high the divorce rate in NON-military couples is, it seems ludicrous to expect so much, especially given the number of military spouses who have had affairs.

Which leads to the thread topic.
Based on my own small experiences, and acknowledging the challenges unique to polyamory, it seems to be a natural (if partial) solution to many of the struggles suffered by military spouses.
Imagine being able to have no shortage of emotional support while your spouse is deployed, and not worrying about shortage of physical intimacy which could lead to a marriage-destroying affair.
Imagine your children NOT having to deal with an emotional hole in their lives because Daddy or Mommy is in combat.


Unfortunately, because this is Repression Central, the benefits of at least an open marriage would likely also bring a greater risk of shunning by friends and family for military couples than their civilian counterparts.

In the arena of "enforced gender roles and monogamy" military wives seem one step below Pastor's Wives.
The dutiful wife handling the household alone until the keystone Patriarch comes marching home occupies far too much of the collective consciousness to be so easily cast aside for something...sane and rational.
The phenomenon of the Dear John Letter seems to stem from the centuries-old hetero male fear of cuckoldry while in combat.

For the people who worship this mindset, no amount of potential benefits (like, say, SAVING THE MARRIAGE) seems enough to counter decades of indoctrination.
That a wife and child(ren) could be taken care of emotionally and financially by a meta while the husband is overseas, instead of struggling upstream and living off a meager government assistance check until he gets back (or doesn't...), doesn't even register.


What do you think?
Can polyamory even work for a military couple?
Do you have experiences in this area which totally trash all of the above because reality ensues?
 
Little quibble with some of that reasoning, namely "SAVE THE MARRIAGE"

It's like that old line of basic poly mistakes "relationship broken, add more people"

Basically, if your relationship is not healthy and strong enough to stand on its own, do not involve others. Poly doesn't fix problems.

And quite frankly, I can't see how it's ethical to essentially "use" another person's heart to save your other relationship. People are not tools or marital aids.
 
Hi BonzaiBlitz,

I've never served in the military so take anything I say here with a huge grain of salt. My experience is limited to things other people have posted (on this forum and elsewhere). Basically I've heard two opposing stories, one is that military personnel can only go about having poly relationships in utmost secrecy, if at all, for fear of dishonorable discharge and/or court martial. The other story I've heard is that military poly is no big deal, or at worst, it depends on who your peers and leaders are, that some leaders are quite tolerant. I don't know which story is true or if both are true. Maybe it depends on where you're deployed and on local attitudes. In any case, I'm sure I agree with you that poly would suit the military well, if it was officially allowed. But obviously I have neither the power nor the authority to make that happen. I don't think it will happen, not for a long time, I think the prevailing civilian mind will have to change/open up first.

Just my humble opinion.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
... military personnel can only go about having poly relationships in utmost secrecy, if at all, for fear of dishonorable discharge and/or court martial
In the US perhaps, but it's perfectly legal here.

Edit: It does require printing extra pages for the "Partner's details" section of a security clearance form. They assume you'll only need one.
 
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Which country are you in Emm, if you don't mind us asking. Actually, just wondering which western countries' militaries allow you to print more than 1 partner form.
 
Australia, as stated in the location field at the top right corner of all my posts.

I couldn't have more than one partner recognised as a partner for the purposes of military housing, etc, but declaring a non-standard number of them wasn't a problem for renewing my clearance.
 
My ex was a Russian-language interrogator. She went off for upgrade training at DLIFLC, the Defense Language Institute (Monterey). To hear her tell it, she found herself surrounded there with open relationships, leatherfolk, bisexuals, & assorted Neopagans -- just like back in Minneapolis. ;) All in all, she had a GREAT time.

Dunno about "Repression Central"; that was back in the mid-'80s, my wife's dogtags said WICCA, & those of her mentor Mike (a chief warrant 3) said DRUID.

As for the official stance on nonmonogamy, there's all sorts of relevant stuff online about it, just search ucmj adultery. Generally, adultery falls under Article 134, which is a catch-all:
...all disorders and neglects to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces, all conduct of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces, and crimes and offenses not capital, of which persons subject to this chapter may be guilty, shall be taken cognizance of by a general, special or summary court-martial, according to the nature and degree of the offense, and shall be punished at the discretion of that court.
An article high on the list does a great job of parsing out Article 134, most relevant here, for instance (my notation)
Adulterous conduct that is "directly prejudicial" includes conduct that has an obvious, and measurably divisive effect on unit or organization discipline, morale, or cohesion, or is clearly detrimental to the authority or stature of or respect toward a servicemember.

Adultery may also be "service discrediting," even though the conduct is only indirectly or remotely prejudicial to good order and discipline. Discredit means to injure the reputation of the armed forces and includes adulterous conduct that has a tendency, because of its open or notorious nature, to bring the service into disrepute, make it subject to public ridicule, or lower it in public esteem.
So yes, technically, adultery is a military crime punishable by by prison time, reassignment, reduction in rank, &/or dishonorable discharge.

And then there's stuff like fraternization, sodomy, & carnal knowledge.

But like any other crime, it first needs to be discovered, then found worthy of anyone's notice, then investigated, then charged, then tried, then sentenced... really, anyone who's not being a total jackhole about their lifestyle & not making too many enemies will just skate past.

Don't expect the services to officially embrace nonmonogamy anytime soon. Back then, we figured all it would take is 100,000 uniforms to stand up together & proclaim their nonmonogamy -- yeah, that's gonna happen...
 
I was a military wife from 2007-2013. Nonmonogamy was not even a possible thing on my radar at the time due to how my ex was, we were VERY monogamous. But I definitely have some thoughts...

1. If someone important wants you burned, you're gonna be burned. If you have the support and relationships with the right people, it does not matter what you do, you'll get away with it. That is how the military works. Be very careful who your friends and your enemies are.

When you take this into account... You could be accused of anything and end up punished regardless of guilt, and you could actually do far worse and have it swept under the rug. And I saw plenty of examples of both.

2. Personally, I thought that the "sacrifice" of the military wife was overstated. But that was ME. I was older, more mature, had a career, and was not very in love with my husband. I was not much of a "dependent" which is what the military calls spouses, same as kids. My experience with a deployed husband was that we had tons of tax free money flowing in, and even though I had to do phone calls and send care packages, I did most of the child rearing on my own whether he was around or not...him gone meant less filthy laundry, less dishes to wash, I could operate the remote control to the TV without interference, and I got to go to concerts and do fun stuff because he wasn't there to demand my time and we could afford for me to get tickets, child care, and hotel rooms. Frankly, while justifying it as "keeping busy so I didn't get depressed" (and indeed his absence did cause more depression for me than I expected, eventually I did feel a bit lonely)...I had, by and large, a great time.

People would thank me for my sacrifices as an Army wife. I would say, "No, I won't accept your thanks...I've benefited more than I've sacrificed by far...but I will pass your thanks on to my husband. He is making a lot of sacrifices...but he did know what he signed up for after all."

3. I lived off post, but I heard stories. Honestly, a lot of stories of a lot of toxic drama. The issue is that we aren't talking about mature, honest, responsible adults. We're talking about kids. Usually uneducated, and so very young. Both the enlisted men and their wives. And the high testosterone, high competition, macho environment I saw, along with the sit-at-home gossipy mother hens of the wives' clubs... First of all, I think it would be hard to do healthy sane polyamory in that mess. Secondly, I didn't even want anything to DO with it, with or without poly it seemed socially unhealthy to me.

Military couples who are able to have poly as part of their lifestyles in healthy ways, are probably more mature, I'm guessing live off-post (if they're smart) likely have rank, and probably have the sense to keep it discreet. Seemed to me, the soldiers were best suited to compartmentalize, unless they were prepared to let the military utterly saturate and take over every part of their lives. And in the community I am now in (BDSM and poly, social groups at the club) the military men I have met, absolutely keep their personal lives, PERSONAL. The only ones I've met who said they were "out" was specifically because they had to get a clearance, which involves a polygraph, and there is a thing where if you just lay all your cards on the table and say you can't be blackmailed because it ain't a secret...sometimes that approach works. It probably depends a lot on the position, and who is judging you.
 
I found that really insightful, Spork. Both sides of the argument from someone who has gone through it. Thank you.
 
I have some experience here...

I am in the military, my wife was in the military. We have both held TS clearances. My wife worked on nuclear reactors in the navy, I work in intelligence. I used to be airborne infantry.

Military lifestyle is just hard on relationships, simply put. Adding another person is not a solution for that. Getting out of the military is about the only thing that will help a married couples relationship. After all, it's hard to work on your relationship when you spend half your time on the other side of the planet.

People often try it because they think it will help their marriages, keep them from failing, etc. It usually ends up in failure. Instead of investing in the work that will strengthen their relationships with their spouse, they end up putting all that work into the new partner, usually because it feels better. You know, new relationship energy and all that.

Also, people usually harbor fear of losing their partner. If they are at all motivated by fear, it's almost certain to end horribly for them. They are usually the ones afraid to put up boundaries, to the point where they replace fear with pain. If they open up their relationships because of fear then fear will dictate how they conduct their relationships. And that is never healthy.

As for the legalities of it, the people who conduct clearance investigations are not the same people in the chain of command. They don't have to report anything to the commander besides the basic pass or fail, open or closed. So, people may choose not to list their other partners on the forms, or they may choose to list them as a room mate. Or, they may choose to describe them as a romantic partner of their spouse. Some are completely open about it if they are also romantically involved with them. So far, I haven't heard about this causing them to be denied a security clearance.

All that said, if a commander finds out and wants to prosecute their soldier for being polyamorous, it is still on them to prove it. If you don't live in military housing you can live with whoever you want. You just can't admit to having sex with someone other than your spouse.

Most polygraph don't even involve lifestyle questions, so that isn't too much of an issue. And the ones that do are really just looking to see if you can be coerced.

Of course, if your relationship goes sideways with your other partner, they could cause a lot of headache for the service member. But that really goes for any partner of a service member, married or otherwise.
 
I have met a couple of people who told me that they were asked lifestyle questions on polygraphs for clearances...but it was, as you say, mostly a matter of "can you be coerced." Also, personally, I suspect they also want to ascertain that the service-member in question will tell them the truth about literally ANYTHING. Even uncomfortable things. Maybe.

Most definitely agree that "relationship broken; add more people" is usually a recipe for problems, and I don't see where the strain of a military relationship and the strain of additional partners is a good combination.

Even if you had some kind of an agreement where, say, you could have extramarital lovers during deployment just for the meeting of sexual needs, you can never really guarantee (or at least I can't, and I know others who can't) that there will be no emotional developments in those relationships. And then what happens once deployment is over?

But I shook my head personally over what you say about getting out of the military and working on the relationship. Mine ended because of the effect of leaving the military on him. He was one who needed the structure of that environment and the purpose and sense of duty that serving brought to his life. Deprived of it, he turned to drugs and alcohol, since he was getting a VA check from his messed up back, he figured he didn't have to work. He pretty much sat at home day in and day out, refusing to leave the house, and losing his mind until our home felt like a hostage situation every day. The irony...he went off to fight the terrorists, and it wound up I felt like I was negotiating with a terrorist, every time he was "having a bad day." He was actually alright when he was a soldier, and while we weren't a model happy couple, we were content and generally ok...but once he got out, he just sorta came unglued.

Now this might be anecdotal, but when I drive around this town, which is THICK with military, and I see the level of homelessness and addiction and people with issues...I wonder. You know? I think it's almost a thing where prisoners have trouble coping with freedom...you get out of the environment where your freedom is restricted so much, where you're told where to be exactly when, when and what to eat, what to wear each day, etc. and now you have to make all of these choices, from a dizzying array of daily possibilities...and there is no rank to tell you how to interact with others, or what you can expect from them. I think in a way, that getting out, once you're acclimated to living as a soldier, can be as hard as the service itself. It's a loss of identity.
 
My comment about getting out of the military was mostly aimed at situations like my own, where the biggest issue with our relationship is lack of time to spend together. In my case, I have been away from home for about 6 of the last 9 years. Getting out of the army obviously wouldn't help my marriage if I didn't work on improving my relationship with my wife. As it is, we are doing quite well, probaby because i am a firm believer that if some thing is not actively improving, it is actively deteriorating. So i work on it whenevery i have a chance.

It doesn't sound like your husband focused on improving his relationship with you once he got out. He sounds like he was too... lost, for better word. Unfortunately, the military is good at leaving people feeling lost and aimless. I don't think it's because of deployments and combat. I have done combat tours in afghanistan, iraq, and all over africa. I have seen quite a few people do the same and get out without issue integrating into civilian life.

It's the ones who define themselves by their service and get injured and dumped by the side of the road... it's hard seeing them flounder. That's the danger of defining yourself by something that can be taken away or lost, be it a spouse, a job, a role, etc. The military encourages their constituents to define themselves as soldiers, marines, sailors, airmen...

I think you are right about the loss of identity.
 
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