Poly/Mono Relationships

newtothis2017

New member
Hello, my relationship with my girlfriend started off monogamous but as we moved back home (we met abroad) and started a long distance relationship, where we transitioned into an open relationship. She realized that she identified as poly. For me, I have tried kissing two other women and it seemed wrong, it looks like I am naturally a monogamous person. I am fine with her having physical relationships with other people but recently things have changed. She had a friends with benefit relationship with this woman and it turned into something intimate that I was not comfortable with. The other woman revealed that she was in love with my girlfriend, to which my gf replied that she loved her too. To me, she told me that she was not in love with her. From the beginning, I told her I was not comfortable with her falling in love with someone else.

Here are the things I am worried about
1) She identifies as polyamorous and I do not want to invalidate her identity
2) She claims that you cannot control feelings and that once you get close to someone, you do not know how those feelings will develop
3) We are going to move in together in two weeks and the relationship with this other woman will end due to distance but I am afraid of this happening again.

Hopefully someone on this site is more experienced with polyamory. What do you think of this situation and how have people made poly/mono relationships work?
 
Hi newtothis2017,

Unfortunately it's hard to control one's feelings once one gets involved with someone. You can't just say, "No falling in love allowed," it doesn't work. I think my advice in this case is to get some professional therapy/counseling. You need help on how to deal with your girlfriend's tendency to get involved and fall in love. In the meantime the best you can do is communicate with your girlfriend a lot on a regular basis.

Hope that helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I would like to point out that both monogamous people and polyamorous people (and really any person) can fall in love with more than one person at a time. It is actually very common for it to happen.

I even heard a bishop on the radio talking about how he had been very smitten with other women during his long marriage to his wife. He just did not have a relationship with them. Because he had a monogamous marriage to his wife. But his feelings were his feelings.

I am a polyamorous woman. I used to date two men, now (since one of them left) I date only one of them, who is mono. If it is to be us in the future, I will not date any more men. Because I promised him this (he only agreed to poly because I was already in a long term relationship with the other guy). Of course, I can not promise him that I will never be smitten with other men. But I can promise him that he is the only one I will be with.

It is possible that your girlfriend may develop feelings for other people. If you want to be with her, you have to find a way to deal with that.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

1) She identifies as polyamorous and I do not want to invalidate her identity

You aren't as far as I can tell.

2) She claims that you cannot control feelings and that once you get close to someone, you do not know how those feelings will develop.

She is correct. One cannot control feelings from popping up. If you could control your feelings, you wouldn't be posting about your struggle. You could turn those feelings "off" right? And not be struggling any more. But you ARE experiencing some feelings of struggle. What you can control is your behavior in response to those feelings.

Just like your GF can have a crush on someone. She might not be able to help the crush, but she can decide what behavior to do in response.

  • She could do nothing and decrease the feelings -- and not pursue the crush and let time fade it down.
  • She could do something to intensify the feelings -- spend more time with the crush/date the crush.
  • She could do something else.

This current FWB/dating partner seems destined to part ways because of the move.

So what's the agreement should GF develop feelings for a new person after the move? Are you guys Closing the relationship? Or leaving it Open? Or....?

Can you be at peace with that agreement?

3) We are going to move in together in two weeks and the relationship with this other woman will end due to distance but I am afraid of this happening again.

Afraid of what happening again? You do not say what "this" is.

Is it that you are afraid she will start up another FWB relationship and that it will lead to deeper feelings? And you are ok with swinging or sex share, but you are not ok with love share?
If so, before moving you may want to revisit and clarify whatever agreements you currently have. Whether or not you are ready to live together might depend on how that conversation goes. Because if you are bumping up against deal breakers, you have to face that.

The other woman revealed that she was in love with my girlfriend, to which my gf replied that she loved her too. To me, she told me that she was not in love with her

This sounds like two different stories to each person. Is it that you are afraid of? The other partner will be telling you GF said something, and GF will say something else and you are not sure who to believe?

If that's the thing you are worried about, you have to talk to you GF about how to clear up mixed messages like that in future. You have to figure out how much you trust your GF to be honest with you.

I suggest you guys have some talks and clear up expectations for after the move. And maybe not rush to live together if the relationship is on uncertain footing.

Galagirl
 
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Are you maybe a little worried that your gf will form an emotional attachment with a new partner and that maybe you worry she may end up loving the new partner more?
Its a common concern, one I have myself even though my partner is not actively seeking a new partner yet. I have no idea how I will feel in this situation. I THINK i will be ok but in reality i will more than likely have the concern pop into my head. I just try to remind myself you can love people differently. A friend once said to me you never love two people the exact same way. You can love each new partner as much but it will always be different in that no two relationships are ever the same.

I don't have a quick or easy answer, and I guess it is only natural for this concern to come up in any relationship. It is something that only you can work through, I mean people here are happy to provide you support and ideas obviously. If it is something you find difficult to accept or work through there is nothing wrong with that. We are not all poly minded, but it does appear you are very open minded and well balanced, and know what you do and don't want.

Sorry I can't offer much in the way of advice other than to say take in the advice and suggestions given here, and spend time considering how you cope with the possibility of her loving someone else. I am sure you will anyway, but you do need to discuss the issue with your gf as well. Let her know how it makes you feel.
 
Update:

I expressed to her that I was upset and she communicated what the situation was and that she felt her other partner was asking for a relationship she could not give her because of her commitment to me and because the woman she was dating is moving to Spain. Thank you everyone for responding, it looked like all we needed was more communication. Obviously, we need to continue communicating and being open and honest. I appreciate her for taking the time to take into account my needs and I will continue to be open about polyamory.

If anyone else has advice/experience with poly/mono relationships, feel free to add anything.
 
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