I love my Wife and my gf

Pinchshot

New member
A couple hours ago, I'd never heard of Polyamory. I did some searching and landed here. I believe that specialized forums like this are about as good as therapy.

That being said, here's my situation.

I've been with my wife over 27 years now. Mostly happy years. But we've had some tough years and my wife and I don't seem to have the same interests. I like to go out and listen to music and go dancing. She likes to sit at home. So for the last few years I've done just that. Sometimes dancing, sometimes more than that.

I would go out with other married buddies and just have a good time. And then I met Rose. The stunningly beautiful Filipina lady that took my breath away. Little did I know that I would fall in love with her and even more amazing was how hard she fell for me.

I told her I was married but it didn't matter to her. That doesn't mean she's ok with sharing but is willing to wait for me.

My wife was originally ok with it, just wanting to save our marriage. Now she's upset and worried about our family (2 kids 21 and 16).

Maybe my twisted mind works different that the rest of society but I don't think it's impossible to love both women.

Today I texted both of them that I loved them. They each responded that I made their day.

Am I kidding myself? I don't know what to do.

Thanks
 
Greetings Pinchshot,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You're not kidding yourself, people fall in love with more than one person every day and what's more, real polyamorous relationships exist in which one (or more) partner/s has more than one partner (each). In my household, the lovely lady Snowbunny has two male partners and though she's only legally married to one of them, she thinks of both of them as husbands to her.

The only hitch here is that Rose isn't ready to share you with your wife -- at least not yet. Often polyamorous groupings take a long time to form. Often it takes a long time for the struggling monogamous parts of the equation to come around and become poly-friendly. It took my metamour (Snowbunny's legal husband) about a year (and a lot of emotional talks with Snowbunny) to wrap his mind around poly enough to try it. So what I'm saying is, you may need a lot of patience in this situation. You have to introduce the idea of polyamory to Rose and give her as much time as she needs to warm up to it -- and it may take her forever, as some people just aren't wired for poly. You'll have to make a judgment call on how long to wait.

Now that you've found our site, you should take lots of time yourself to read and post and familiarize yourself with what poly is and how to make it work. There is so much to be learned! There are a couple of good books on poly as well; they're considered to be staples:

  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "The Ethical Slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures," by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
I'd consider investing in all three books if I were you. In any case, polyamory (and ethical nonmonogamy as a whole) is a wide, wide world. Most people have no idea how big and real of a thing it is, and as time goes by I think we'll all find it tucked away in corners where we never expected to find it.

I'm glad you could join us, and hope you enjoy your stay!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
The answer is that you obviously can love two women, as you already do. But, that doesn't mean poly with both or either of them is going to happen.

1. Neither woman is apparently actually okay with poly, which will make your desires kind of a moot point. You're gf has said she'll "wait for you." This isn't the same as saying she's cool with you being married and dating you in a poly relationship. In fact, it's kind of the opposite--it indicates she expects you to leave your wife for her. If I was your wife, I'd be pretty not-okay with someone clearly trying to cowgirl my relationship, who I already view as so unethical as to take away my decision about how to proceed in my life by willingly engaging in a huge subterfuge that impacted my physical and emotional well-being. Your wife has no reason to trust either this woman, or you, at this point, which is going to give everyone a very big uphill battle even if they agree.

You've also said your wife only agreed to poly to try and save your marriage. That isn't, I promise you, going to work long-term. She's already, clearly, having second thoughts. And those thoughts are going to continue, because what she is experiencing are the stages of grief.That was the bargaining stage. Get ready for anger.

2. You haven't said, and I"m betting you haven't thought of, what if the women decide they, also, want other partners? Are you all good with your wife finding another man/men with which to fall in love? What about your GF? Even if they say they don't want to, is the possibility still open later, or do you expect a "one penis policy?"

3. What are you going to do about your GF? Keep her a dirty secret from the family? Given she's already seeming to expect a more serious, "out" relationship with you at some point, I suspect that's not going to go over well with her for long.

4. What does your wife get out of this? So, she gets to keep you. Take a step back and realize, however, that right now that might not seem like such a great deal to her, given that you've broken a whole lot of promises and trust. Look at it from her point of view, and try to figure out what she gets out of it that makes it a good option for her.

5. How do you propose to rebuild the incredible amount of damage you've done to your marriage already, and the support your wife in her healing (assuming she's willing to stay in the marriage)?

6. Sex and fluid bonding.

7. How will you deal with the finances of dating?

8. Where do you see these relationships going? Do you see having a separate domicile with your current GF? Do you someday want to have a more committed, "out" relationship? Do you want a hierarchy, and would people be okay with that?

And that's just for starters. There's a whole lot more.

Poly can come out of infidelity, but it's definitely not the best way to start and often fails. There are a few people here who've made it work, and I hope they'll chime in, but it was a very long, hard road for them with lots of trials along the way. Are you prepared for that kind of work? If so, and if all parties are on-board, you need to find a poly-friendly counselor ASAP so this doesn't all explode spectacularly (even moreso)
 
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