Hi from the latest Newbie!

LittleRedHen

New member
Hey there,

So I thought I'd come to this forum for some support, advice, and general knowledge since I've found myself in an open relationship.

I've been dating a wonderful man for almost a year now. I have a history of bad relationships and he is the first of many wonderful new things (like love and support) including two big ones: being open and bdsm. The bdsm? Feels like a relief. I had no idea it was exactly what I needed and my life has changed for the better.

The openness? That's another story. He is open, but has expressed that he's uncomfortable with me being open as well. He says he wouldn't like it, plus it's different with dominant and submissives.

For someone that is new to the very notion of open and poly relationships this has been really hard on me. He shows me, tells me, and goes out of his way to make me feel good and loved. But I still get this sad empty feeling. We will spend weeks together and then the one or two nights we are apart he will go be with someone else. Those people don't know about me usually, and while in the last few months of dating he's hardly seen anyone, he's made it very clear that it's still an option and he needs his own time/space/etc. He says he doesn't want a relationship necessarily, just fresh new exciting sex with someone for a while. But that yes that involves a few drinks or dates and texts and whatnot.

It just doesn't sit well with me. Especially since he is so loving and thoughtful and generous in every other way.

Is that an open relationship? Am I an idiot being played here? Am I maybe not a true submissive?

I apologize in advance if this is posted in the wrong place or if I've broken any rules. I'm also very open to receiving any and all resources and suggestions for reading material, websites, an other opportunities to learn!

Thanks :)
 
Greetings LittleRedHen,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Well you're in a half-open relationship. Open on his half, closed on your half.

Which, if you felt fine about that, I'd say go for it. But clearly you are not feeling good about that aspect of it.

I tend to agree with what I usually hear about D/s (BDSM) dynamics and relationship models; that is, you should have your independence (and your freedom to date other people if you want), just like he has his. Even if he is your Dom, it isn't cool for him to control that much of your life.

If you'll plunge into the many threads on these boards, and post your questions along the way, you'll learn a great deal about polyamory and how it works. But a few particular resources worth checking out are ...

Book and Website Recommendations

And the specific books:
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "The Ethical Slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures," by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
All of these things will help you, and you can turn to Polyamory.com anytime you'd like to discuss something you've read.

Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi there. I'm a male new to open relationships also. From my prospective it sounds like he is being insecure for not wanting you to go out and see other people. If you want to see other people you should be able to. My wife is currently dating someone, it takes me being very secure to have it happen. I am currently looking for a girl to date myself. It's generaly harder for a poly guy to find someone to date. I know from personal experience. I have received a ton of information from here and it has helped tremendously. Lots of good people here.
 
I've been dating a wonderful man for almost a year now. I have a history of bad relationships and he is the first of many wonderful new things (like love and support) including two big ones: being open and bdsm. The bdsm? Feels like a relief. I had no idea it was exactly what I needed and my life has changed for the better.

The openness? That's another story. He is open, but has expressed that he's uncomfortable with me being open as well. He says he wouldn't like it, plus it's different with dominant and submissives.

For someone that is new to the very notion of open and poly relationships this has been really hard on me. He shows me, tells me, and goes out of his way to make me feel good and loved. But I still get this sad empty feeling. We will spend weeks together and then the one or two nights we are apart he will go be with someone else. Those people don't know about me usually, and while in the last few months of dating he's hardly seen anyone, he's made it very clear that it's still an option and he needs his own time/space/etc. He says he doesn't want a relationship necessarily, just fresh new exciting sex with someone for a while. But that yes that involves a few drinks or dates and texts and whatnot.

It just doesn't sit well with me.
Especially since he is so loving and thoughtful and generous in every other way.

Is that an open relationship? Am I an idiot being played here? Am I maybe not a true submissive?

I apologize in advance if this is posted in the wrong place or if I've broken any rules. I'm also very open to receiving any and all resources and suggestions for reading material, websites, an other opportunities to learn!

Thanks :)

I've bolded some things above. It's bullshit that there is anything inherent in being a dominant or a submissive that automatically requires the dom to have sex or play with whoever he wants while the sub is restricted to just him. That is flat out not true. I know many male dominants whose female submissive partners have more partners than them. It doesn't affect their 'domliness.' I know female dominants who have no issue with their male submissive partner dating outside their relationship. And I know women submissives who have chosen not to have other partners while their male dominant has other partners.

Some male dominants are uncomfortable about their female submissive partners having other partners, whether that's sex, BDSM play or some combination. I don't know why this is so (have ideas why) but that's not so important. It's ok for him to be uncomfortable about you dating or playing with other people. That's a really common reaction. But it is not acceptable for him to impose this on you if you do not consent to it. If it is something you do not want, don't agree to it out of a misplaced sense of 'this is what submission is supposed to be'. Decide what you want - date or not, play or not - outside of the relationship and negotiate with him from there. Your D/s dynamic is what you and he make of it.

(If you can, join a submissive/slave group - you will be exposed to a whole variety of different people who all submit but in very different ways. Fetlife will be able to point you to what is available in your area. Also don't overlook online options if there is nothing close to you physically.)

You do not have to be poly or open to be kinky. It might seem like it! But there are many monogamous kinky folks out there. However, if you want to stay with this particular person, it does seem like accepting an open relationship with him (separate from if you date outside it or not) is a price of admission. Think about if this is something you want for yourself. Does poly or open appeal to you? Do you have a preference for poly or open? (Very broadly speaking, there is generally more acceptance of emotional and romantic connections with polyamory than open which generally implies a more casual, sex based connection.)Would you just rather have one partner? Would you want that partner to just have one partner too?

It's so common to be sad and lonely if your partner is off with someone else. Happens to just about everyone in a poly/open relationship sooner or later. Is this a pain you are willing to tolerate if you are getting your needs and wants met in the relationship? Feelings are feelings. Sometimes they just need to be experienced and acknowledged and not 'fixed'. That sad feeling may never go away entirely even if you work on it. Are you willing to manage those feelings if you stay with him?

Would it help you if your existence was acknowledged by him to other partners? Is he presenting himself as a single dominant and not stating he is in a relationship with you? Cause that is unethical and just not a good idea. If he is stating he is in an open relationship and his potential partners know that, well that satisfies ethical necessities (in my mind - other folks may disagree). Would you want to meet potential partners of his? Why does the people not knowing about you bother you? Digging into this uncomfortable feeling may lead you to understand more of what you really want and need in a relationship.

There is no one true way of being a submissive. There are very broadly speaking healthier vs. more unhealthy ways of being in a D/s relationship but there is no one true path to submission. If you are happy and learning and growing, and he is happy and learning and growing, then the two of you are doing it right.
 
Wow, thank you for all the kind words plus the great questions to think about.

It's definitely helpful and I have a lot of thinking to do..
 
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