Charting Our Course

Talked to Hubby a little yesterday about how anxious I was feeling. He assured me that he won't do anything with any other woman unless he talks to me face to face first, and repeated that although he's interested in the work-woman (whom he's asked me not to call "pizza bitch" anymore), he sincerely doubts she would be interested in hooking up with him and doesn't currently even have plans to ask her. He claims he was joking when he sent the text the other night. We'll see.

Meanwhile, Hubby met S2 last night. It was fairly casual, although there were some awkward silences because I couldn't think of anything to say, and a couple of times the guys were apparently waiting for me to start a conversation. When I'm with Hubby, he usually doesn't like to talk much and gets annoyed when I do; when I'm with S2, he usually does all the talking and I just listen and respond. So expecting *me* to be the one carrying the conversation...they both should have known better. LOL

But they seemed to get along well, and had some conversations with each other. They're relatively similar personality-wise, and by the end of dinner (which was only about an hour, because S2 and Hubby were both exhausted from long work-weeks), they seemed to have at least formed some approval of and respect for one another.

On the way home, I said to Hubby that he seemed to get along pretty well with S2. He said, "It's too early to really tell, but yeah, I think at the very least you're finally done with losers."

(I asked if he was including Guy with the "losers." He said, "After what happened? Fuck yes." Which is sad...they were friends, and even after the incident that happened a few weeks ago, Hubby was trying to at least stay on civil terms with Guy. Apparently that isn't happening anymore.)
 
This weekend was really, really good.

S2 and I had plans yesterday to go shopping for a costume for me to wear to a Halloween party we're going to together. The afternoon started crappy because parking... I had to drive Hubby's full-sized pickup truck because he was working his pizza job, which meant he needed the car. And I had to try to park it in Cambridge. For anyone who doesn't know the Boston area... let's just say Cambridge is not especially vehicle-friendly. Especially large vehicles. I ended up knocking the CB antenna off the top of the truck trying to get into a parking garage (fortunately, it's a magnetic antenna), then parking at a meter that I couldn't stay at because I had no change... Meanwhile, S2 found a parking lot and parked his car, but got lost trying to walk to the costume shop.

I finally drove over to the lot, and somehow we managed to get my truck parked, though it wasn't easy because the spots in the damn lot are intended for compact cars...No signage *saying* that, of course, but by the time all this happened I was frustrated and almost in tears. But S2 was his usual calm, patient self, so he helped me pull myself together and we went to the shop, where I found an awesome costume.

The original plan was for me to go to his place for a while after shopping and then come home, because 16-year-old. (Even though this was supposed to be one of her weekends with her dad, that got changed because of some school responsibilities she had to take care of.) But before I went to meet S2, as I was getting ready to pick 16-year-old up from the PSAT testing she'd been at, she called and asked if she could spend the night with a friend, and then have the friend's mother drop her off at today's school activity, which is closer to the friend's house than ours.

So, since I didn't have 16-year-old... last night was the first time S2 and I were able to spend the night together since I negotiated that agreement with Hubby. I felt kind of off and a little anxious during the evening at his place, because I was worried that I was pressuring him to let me stay, and I always feel a little anxious anyway when I spend a night anywhere but home. But once we actually settled for the night... I slept better than I've slept at home sometimes. And when we woke up this morning, it just felt right.

He made pancakes for breakfast, and we were talking... And somehow I ended up spilling a lot of things about my past. Long story short, I've dealt with a lot of emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse in my life, which started when I was younger than I can remember and finally came to an end after I left my ex 7 years ago. Hubby knows all about it, and even Guy knew most of it. But I hadn't wanted to tell S2 because he sees me as strong and together, and when I'm with him I *feel* that way. I hadn't wanted to make him think I was completely fucked up.

But once the floodgates opened this morning, I couldn't stop myself. I told him pretty much all of it, though not in detail. And then I cried and apologized for dumping all that out, and I admitted that I hadn't wanted to tell him and why.

He took my hand and said, "It doesn't make you fucked up. It makes you even more interesting, and you wouldn't be the person you are if those things hadn't happened. Honestly, if someone asked me to describe you in one word, it would be 'healer,' because you use your past to help others."

He also told me this morning that he's doing a lot of soul-searching about what he wants in his relationship life. Initially, he'd intended to give non-monogamy a shot, and hadn't even really been considering a relationship of any kind. But when he went apple picking with that other woman a month or so ago, he told me he felt guilty about seeing someone else, and then with what happened after that, even though all the STD tests came back negative, he's a little wary of seeing anyone other than me. And he said that he doesn't know how he would have managed the past few months if he hadn't had me, and that whatever else happens, he wants me in his life.

I told him to make the decision that works for him. If he wants to see others and it works, then I'm cool with it as long as he sticks to the agreements we've made. (No canceling plans with me for others; always use a condom with anyone else plus tell me if he sleeps with anyone else.) And if he wants to be exclusive with me and that will work for him, I'm fine with that too. I also told him that I've made the decision not to see anyone else; he and Hubby are all I need.
 
He took my hand and said, "It doesn't make you fucked up. It makes you even more interesting, and you wouldn't be the person you are if those things hadn't happened. Honestly, if someone asked me to describe you in one word, it would be 'healer,' because you use your past to help others."

What a beautiful response. So touching. I also recently shared my personal history with my guy, after years of not disclosing my past, who responded with, "it just makes me love you more" that I shared it with him and kissed me. So I can get how meaningful that response from S2 must have been.
 
Thanks, reflections. S2 was so caring and supportive when I talked to him that it almost made me cry *again*, in a good way. I'm glad your guy was so supportive, as well!

I've shared my history with others in the past. In fact, it's part of both of my author identities, though not in much detail. (I write teen fiction under one pen name, and erotic romance under a different name; multipublished under both names.) Hubby knows, because he met me when I was still recovering from my first marriage; Guy knew because until things fell apart between us, he was someone I could lean on when the depression, anxiety, or PTSD kicked up because he had his own experiences with those illnesses.

But Hubby and Guy both tended to look at me like I was "damaged" or fragile because of what they knew. Even though Hubby has seen the huge amount of progress I've made since I've been with him, and I've told him how much progress I'd made between leaving my first husband and meeting Hubby, sometimes he forgets that I'm not the same woman he met six years ago. And Guy and I only met a year and a half ago, so he saw me after a lot of progress had been made, but he still treated me like something breakable, until the incident that led to the end of our relationship.

I didn't want S2 to look at me that way. That was the main reason I didn't plan to tell him about that history. He met me as the strong, confident woman I've worked my ass off to become, and I wanted him to keep seeing me that way. I was afraid he wouldn't if he knew about my past.

But his response helps me believe that he won't see me any differently now than before. He even told me yesterday that I'm more "together" than a lot of people he knows.
 
Yesterday had a very sucky part... I got into an accident on the way to pick up 16-year-old at school. I was stopped at the end of a line of cars at a red light, driving Hubby's work truck, which is a full-size pickup. A small car stopped behind me.

The minivan behind the car didn't even slow down. Slammed at full speed (about 35 miles an hour) into the car, pushing the front bumper and part of the hood of the car UNDER my truck.

The car and van were both totaled. The driver of the car told me he was pretty sure the driver of the van was on his phone. But the only injuries were the car's passenger bumping her head, and me biting my tongue hard enough to bleed. And the only damage to the truck was a few scratches and the loss of the ball on the trailer hitch.

I was shaken up really badly, and was worried about 16-year-old, who was stuck at school until I was able to get there. I called her to let her know what was going on, but she still had to wait. I called Hubby, who said he would head up to her school, but at that time of day it would have taken him at least 45 minutes to get there, and he would have had to take an alternate route because my accident had traffic backed up pretty badly. Fortunately, about 10-15 minutes after I called him, the state trooper who'd showed up said I was free to go, since the truck was drivable and clearly I hadn't had any role in causing the accident. I was half an hour late getting 16-year-old, but it was a nice day and she was able to sit outside and read while she waited.

After all of that, I was thankful that it was my night with S2. Hubby is calm and mellow and probably could have calmed me down, but he was working his second job so wasn't home, and I was too shaken and scattered emotionally to be around my kids without snapping, especially since 19-year-old was in one of her "everything's a catastrophe" spirals. I would not have been able to cope with her in that state, because when she gets like that all she does is cry and argue with me when I try to reassure her.

She's better able to cope when I'm *not* around, because we had a codependency issue with her mental health issues for a while. I felt guilty because some of her issues were caused by abuse she experienced when she lived with her dad for four months when she was 12; even though I tried to stop her from living with him, and I didn't know what was happening until I got her back, I blame myself for that having happened to her. (Her dad was NOT the abuser. It was his girlfriend and her ex-husband, and they kept her dad oblivious.)

So I overcompensated by taking on her burdens and trying to "fix" everything for her, which led to her relying on me almost entirely and not even attempting to use coping strategies or work with me when I tried to help her. I did realize I wasn't doing her any favors, but between my guilt and my having been raised by a mother who constantly told me there wasn't anything wrong with me and I didn't need or deserve help (when I was struggling so badly that I kept breaking down in my high school classes and having to run out of the room), I kept doing too much for her.

Last year when she turned 18, I finally was able to break that cycle; I told her that she'd been in counseling for 6 years, she had more support from me and her stepdad than I'd ever had, and I wouldn't be around forever, so she had to start trying to live her own life instead of expecting me to live it for her. Since then, and since a 3-week stint in a day treatment program this spring, she's doing MUCH better working through depressive episodes and anxiety attacks, and she actually prefers not having me help her unless she's really struggling, because she takes pride in being able to manage herself.

Which was just a total sidetrack from my original intent with this post, so I'm going to start a new one...
 
So last night after I got 16-year-old safely home and made sure 19-year-old was stable enough for me to leave, I went to S2's. He was really worried about me. Kept asking if I was sure I shouldn't go to the hospital and get checked out just in case, and kept hugging me and telling me how glad he was that I was okay.

He and I have a deal that if I accomplish all of my work goals for the week, the Tuesday following the end of that week, he'll play a song for me. Last night he pretty much gave me an entire concert, including composing a song for me to use in promoting one of my books. I love listening to--and watching--him play; he's very skilled, and when he plays he goes into this zone where you can see that he's part of the music, if that makes sense. When he plays his guitar, he looks the way I feel when I'm in the writing zone and the words are just flowing onto the page.

I told him last night that I have a fear that he'll decide what we have isn't working for him. I didn't go into details, but that fear is based on a few things: First, he told me early in our relationship that since he's just out of a 14-year marriage and his divorce isn't even final yet, he didn't want any tight commitment or anything. Second, his profile on the dating site specifies that he wants someone who can handle *him* being non-monogamous. And third, now he seems to be realizing non-monogamy isn't his thing. Which leads me to worry that he'll either decide he can't handle *me* being non-monogamous, or he'll reach a point where he wants to be someone's one-and-only, and that's something I can't give him.

I didn't tell him all of that. I only told him that I had that fear. And he said, "I am very happy with how things are right now."

I need to focus on the "right now" and let go of worrying about the what-ifs and the maybes. For NOW, he loves me and I love him, he likes our relationship as is and so do I, and that's what matters.
 
Yesterday, I ran up against an issue I hadn't even realized existed, at least not to the extent it apparently does.

I knew I was still struggling with what happened between Guy and me. Not so much the breakup. That had been coming for a while, and most days now, I don't even think about him.

But the incident that *led* to the breakup... I said I didn't want to do something. He ignored that and manipulated me into doing it anyway. And it was something that brought out the side of me that I don't allow out ever, because that's the part that wants to hurt people, and I refuse to be like that.

Because of my history, what Guy did to me was devastating. I had trusted him to always respect "no" and to never force or manipulate me, and he demolished that trust. I had a panic attack two days later with Hubby, because Hubby touched me the same way Guy had during the incident.

It's taken me a lot of time to work through this. I don't have a counselor right now; budget cutbacks at the counseling center I was going to led to them dismissing almost all clients who weren't designated "high risk." So I've been doing this on my own, with my private journal. I've been trying to hide from Hubby and S2 how badly it affected me. Especially S2, because he didn't know that part of my history. (Until I blurted it out Thursday night in the middle of a conversation about a book I'm working on...it was relevant to the book, and I was tired enough to forget for a moment that although I'd told S2 some things about myself, I hadn't told him *that*.)

But yesterday, I was snuggling with Hubby before he got up for work. It's been a rough week anyway for a variety of reasons, and I just wanted to lie there with him. That's become our bonding time, because he's working two jobs now and most days, the only time we can spend together is that half hour or so before he gets up in the morning.

He teased me about him wanting a blowjob. Then teased me about taking off my clothes. He was teasing, not entirely serious; he wouldn't have objected if I'd followed through, but he wasn't really asking. He's done this before.

But he wasn't getting the concept of needing to knock it off, and every time he said it, I got more upset. One of the reasons this week has been rough is *because* he's working two jobs; I feel very guilty about this and like I'm failing him because my only job is my writing, and that doesn't come close to paying bills. So when he wouldn't back off on his teasing, I started also feeling guilty about not giving him his damn blowjob and not wanting to have sex with him right then.

And guilt led into feeling pressured.

And feeling pressured let out all the fear and anger I've been fighting since the incident with Guy.

To make matters worse, after I left the bedroom and Hubby stayed in there a little while longer, and I thought we'd settled a bit, Hubby came out to say goodbye and I said something about how I'd felt with the teasing, when I clearly didn't want to do anything sexual and he kept pushing anyway. (To me, it was pushing. To him, it was "having fun joking around with my wife", because he apparently missed the part where it wasn't fun for me, and jokes are amusing not hurtful.)

And he said, "You have the right to say no, but don't I get to feel disappointed when you don't want me?"

And then he left without giving me a chance to say anything.

So I called him and asked how me not wanting to have sex right at that very moment translated into me not wanting *him*. He didn't have an answer. I told him I can't have him acting that way and pushing me, because I've already had one person I trusted NOT to do that, do it anyway. I told him I want to believe he wouldn't do anything like what Guy did, but Guy betrayed my trust and I'm struggling.

He said, "Well, you've known me a lot longer than you knew Guy, so I would hope you'd know I'm not like that."

And then he hung up.

I don't even know where things stand between us right now. I understand that he might have felt angry and defensive because of what I said. That he might have felt like I was accusing him of being like Guy, rather than hearing what I was actually saying, which was that because of what happened with Guy, I'm having a very hard time trusting right now, and when Hubby gets pushy, I'm not in a headspace right now where I can accurately guess whether he's teasing or whether he's going to go too far like Guy did.

I snuggled with Hubby a few minutes last night before he went to bed (he has to be at work early this morning), and I felt okay being there with him, which is a positive step. The way my thoughts were going yesterday, I didn't know if I would even be able to tolerate him touching me. So at least I know I can accept that.

It's probably a good thing that he's working both of his jobs today and tomorrow. I can stay out of the bedroom tomorrow morning before he goes to work; this morning isn't an issue because he's supposed to be leaving now but hasn't gotten out of bed yet, so when he finally does stop hitting his snooze button, he's going to be in a hurry. Both tonight and tomorrow night, I'll be asleep by the time he gets home.

Monday might be a problem, but I'm hoping by then I'll have worked through enough of this.

The thing that really makes me angry is that what Guy did is affecting my interactions with Hubby. And what happened with Hubby yesterday had me on the verge of breaking up with S2 so I wouldn't end up with S2 also turning into a pushy, manipulative asshole.

I have reasons not to fully trust Hubby, though he's never done anything to me like what Guy did. He's done and said other things that have dented my trust in him. But he doesn't deserve me thinking he's going to turn out like Guy.

And S2 has given me NO reason not to trust him, despite the STD scare a few weeks ago. That was a hurtful situation, but he and I had never discussed protected vs. unprotected sex with other partners, so he wasn't breaking any agreements. And so many things with him have built more trust than I've had with anyone since I can remember. That's why I was able to fall asleep with him holding me only two months after we met, whereas it took me six years to reach that point with Hubby, and with Hubby, I've only managed it that one time.

Neither of them deserves to have me responding/reacting out of the emotions brought up by what happened with Guy. And *I* don't deserve to be struggling this much. And I'm not just going to sit here and let one asshole ruin my entire life. I'm stronger than that.
 
Still not sure where Hubby and I stand at the moment. I lay down with him for about five minutes yesterday morning, but then he had to get up and go to work.

This morning, he was up before I realized he was awake. He said one sort-of nice thing to me, though. He referred to the coworker he's been flirting with as "Small, dark, and sexy." I asked him not to call her sexy in front of me, because it makes me feel insecure and inferior. He said, "You're sexy too, and you're the one I'm with." (He also agreed not to call her sexy when talking to me. I said I can tolerate him calling her "cute", just not sexy.)

Yesterday, S2 brought his sons to my 19-year-old's school so she could cut their hair. Or at least attempt to; his 6-year-old couldn't tolerate the buzz of the clippers and so kept yanking his head away. 19-year-old managed to get some of his hair trimmed, but not all of it. She gave the 9-year-old exactly the style he wanted, though.

I think I should give all four of the kids (my daughters and S2's sons) nicknames on here since I seem to talk about them a lot and just using their ages doesn't always work... I'll ponder that and add them to my signature.

Afterward, 19-year-old told me that, to her perception, I'm a lot more comfortable with S2 than I was with Guy, and that S2 and I seem to be a better fit.
 
On Monday, I spent some snuggle time with Hubby and tried to process what was going on in my head. He said, "It's my day off, and I need to ask you not to talk about Guy, because it would make me too angry. I want to just relax today." But he did reassure me that what happened with Guy wasn't my fault, nor was my difficulty working through it. So we're in a much better place about the being-pushy situation.

Hubby lectured me, too... I said something about his physical "type," and he said, "It really bothers me when you say things like that, because you seem to have decided I have this type." I said, "No... last year when we opened the marriage, YOU said your 'type' is the 'little cute female.' That was YOUR claim, not mine." (And it's caused problems ever since, because he tends to compliment women who fit that type, like Maple, Betty, and pizza woman...and his compliments about them generally remind me that I DON'T fit that type. Like when he told me Maple is cuter and sexier than me.)

He told me that his last serious girlfriend before me was taller and more overweight than I am, and that didn't bother him. That when he was a dance instructor, he was interested in a woman who was about six feet tall and average build, and that didn't bother him. And he assured me that he has no issues at all with how I look, that he does consider me cute and sexy, and that he doesn't have only one "type." I told him if that's the case, I need him to stop complimenting the "little cute females" he knows, at least when he's talking to me, and making it sound like they're physically better than I am.

I spent all day yesterday with Person, and it was exactly what I needed after all the stress about Guy and other stuff and the conflict with Hubby. Person took me hiking at a place he'd mentioned to me a few times. We went out to lunch after that, then to an awesome store that I hadn't realized existed; part of it is a huge Christmas exhibit/store that I'm going to try to take Country to later this month (before we have bad weather, because it's about an hour and a half away from us in an area that gets nasty snow and ice during the winter). We made a couple of other stops at interesting places before going back to his apartment for a couple hours of alone time before he had to leave for an evening appointment.

We talked about this weekend's Halloween party with our chat group. I told him I was a little worried about seeing Betty there, since it will be the first time I've seen her since I found out all the stuff she said to Guy and Best Friend about me behind my back. I told S2 I was afraid she might try to badmouth me to him, and he said, "If she does, I'm just going to say 'Do you have any idea who you're talking to? Badmouthing her to ME is a very, very bad idea.'"

He also said he'd told a friend about me...and it didn't go well. At first, his friend said, "Other people I've known who dated married women ended up with a shotgun blast to the chest." When S2 explained that I'm not cheating on Hubby, and that in fact he's met Hubby, his friend said something like, "Wait. Your husband met you? He's okay with this? How could he be?" and then quickly excused himself from the conversation.

I told S2 I was sorry that his friend reacted that way. S2 told me not to be sorry; his friend's reaction isn't my problem, and if his friend can't accept that S2 is happy, then he maybe isn't that good a friend. S2 is happy enough with our relationship that he wants people to know about me, and if they don't accept it, he isn't going to let that affect him.

During the entire day, I just felt relaxed. Other than a few messages from Country, who was on her way to Kentucky with her FFA chapter for their national convention (so I'd expected to hear from her a few times) and one message from Alt about a change in her work schedule, I didn't have to be "mom" or think about my writing career, housework, or anything like that. I was able to just be me and enjoy the time with someone who loves me enough that he chose to give me a day like that solely because he knew I needed it.
 
I'm furious on S2's behalf right now...

The night before last, apparently one of his relatives found it necessary to offer her "help" in "getting your boys out of that gay home, because it isn't healthy for them." In her mind, I guess the fact that S2's ex has come out as a lesbian and is now in a committed relationship with another woman means that first, his ex isn't a good mother anymore, and second, the boys will "grow up gay" if they're "exposed to that lifestyle."

Bullshit number one, as far as I'm concerned. I grew up in a home with heterosexual parents who married right out of college and are still married. My mother made it clear to me over and over that I was a bother, too much work, not worth her time or energy. My father distanced himself from her and me. There was no love in that household at all, and I used to beg family friends and relatives to let me live with them so I could be somewhere with someone who loved me. I started doing that at age 3.

Spikes and Beads are loved. Their mother adores them, from what S2 has said, and even though their stepmom is having a little trouble adjusting, especially given Beads's special needs, she loves them too. And S2 is an incredibly good father. It doesn't matter if they're living in a household with two female parental figures. It matters that their parents are divorcing, but all concerned are making the effort to make sure S2 stays an important part of their lives and that they have contact with him as often as they want to.

To top off the homophobic bullshit, S2's relative also told him that "once you have custody of your sons", she would help him INSTITUTIONALIZE Beads "so Spikes can have your attention and you can help him get over what has happened."

And she claimed she was doing all of this because "Jesus loves you and your boys and wants you to live the right kind of life."

I seriously want to find the largest Bible available and smack her over the head with it.

The worst of all of this was that S2 has really struggled with having to move out of the home he shared with his ex and the boys, and has struggled even more with his ex moving her girlfriend in and with them moving from the same town where S2 lives to a town over an hour away. He misses Spikes and Beads fiercely. When his ex came out to him, S2 chose to end the marriage, not because he didn't want to be married to her, but so she could finally live her life as she truly is instead of pretending to be happy in a heterosexual marriage. He did this because he loves her, even still. And since between his commute and his workday, he's away from home 12-13 hours a day, while his ex and her girlfriend can adjust their schedules so one or both of them is nearly always home when Spikes and Beads aren't in school, S2 chose to leave his sons living in a two-parent home where they aren't in daycare or having a sitter 30-40 hours a week outside of the time they're in school.

The entire situation has turned S2's life completely inside out, and yet all along he has made the choices that he feels in his heart are right for his ex and sons, even if he wishes other choices were viable. That conversation with his relative made him question every single decision he's made in the past several months, and wonder whether he's actually a failure as a parent.

Did I mention I want to smack that relative over the head?

I think talking to me last night helped S2 put aside some of his negative emotions about that conversation and about his decisions. And he told me that one of the things that got him through the conversation at the time was remembering what I'd said to him a couple months ago, that Spikes and Beads are growing up LOVED, and that's all that matters. (I didn't even remember saying it until he reminded me, but it made that much impact on him.)

When someone I love is hurting, I want to make it better for them. All I can do for S2 is encourage him, hold him when we're together, and make sure he knows that *he* is loved too. I don't know if that's enough. But I hope it is.
 
Last night was our chat group's Halloween party, to which I went with S2. I had a lot of fun seeing people I've known for a long time and introducing him to some folks he hadn't met before. And afterward, I spent the night at his place. It's the second time I've been able to do that, and even though I didn't sleep well, it was still nice and felt right falling asleep with him spooning me and waking up with him this morning.

I feel like every time we're together, we get closer and our relationship gets stronger, and I really like it. Last night, I talked him into dancing with me to a slow song, and the way he was looking at me while we danced was like I was the most precious, amazing thing in his life. I've seen that look from him in brief glimpses before, but this was the first time it really hit me.

He's persuaded me to try to learn to play the bass guitar, so I have his bass sitting here beside me. It's going to be tough to find time to practice when I won't disturb either Hubby or Country, both of whom have really sensitive hearing (Country far more so than Hubby). And I know if Hubby hears me plonking about, he'll make some snark-ass comment that will upset me enough to want to quit before I've even really tried. But I'm not at S2's often enough to practice there, plus the whole point was for me to have something to do at home when I'm bored. At least I don't have an amp yet, so the thing isn't very loud, though S2 pointed out that if I *did* have an amp, I could use headphones so no one would hear me at all.

I've started my annual "Oh, crap, what do I give people for Christmas" mental whirlwind. Hubby's easy; if I get him a gift card of some type, he's thrilled. He doesn't really believe in giving gifts to adults for Christmas or birthdays; he considers those events to be for kids. He'll give me something because he knows it makes me feel special, and he accepts me giving him something because he knows I like giving things to people I love. Hubby's parents and sister and my parents will get whatever I find that seems appropriate; I usually find unusual shops and craft fairs to buy gifts at. Hubby's nephew will get a gift card, because he's 12 and that's what he wants.

Alt and Country know we're REALLY tight money-wise this year, so they aren't expecting a lot of gifts, but I'll find them some things that are unique and not something they would get from anyone else. I had to think about whether to do/give anything for Spikes and Beads, because I'm not really part of their lives yet; they've met me a couple times, but that's it. But I came up with the idea a few weeks ago of writing a story for Spikes, based on part of their family's history that dovetails with part of mine (one of their ancestors served during the French and Indian War in my mother's hometown), and S2 suggested that would be a good Christmas gift. So I'll be doing that for Spikes, and for Beads I'll probably buy... well, beads. There is a reason for his nickname. lol

That leaves Best Friend; he's Jewish, so he and I exchange "holiday" presents; and S2. For Best Friend, I can do anything book-related, pretty much; he's a fan of some of my published stuff, and last year my gift to him was dedicating the last book in one of my series to him plus making him a character in that book. I can figure out something along those lines.

I don't know what to do for S2. I feel like my gift for him should be something from the heart, something I write or make or whatever. I thought about writing some song lyrics for him to use, because at one point he said something about having tried to write lyrics in the past but they always came out "sappy." I used to write songs in high school and college, but I'm a little too intimidated by the idea of writing lyrics for an actual musician... He keeps telling me I don't have to give him anything, and I've told him I know that, but I want to because I want him to have something that will make him happy. (I've clarified with him: He isn't telling me he doesn't *want* me to give him anything, just that I shouldn't feel like I *have to*.)
 
Thanks, Cookie. Yeah, it is fortunate that the relative can't really do anything about the situation. It's just frustrating, because she isn't the only relative--on S2's side or his ex's--that's had a response like this. She's just the most recent.
 
Still no mental enlightenment about what to give S2 for Christmas. I think I'm overthinking it. When the right idea shows up, I'll recognize it.

Hubby's grandmother passed away Monday afternoon. Not at all unexpected; she was 92 and had been failing for quite some time. I didn't know her well, and neither did Country (who didn't particularly like her either), but Alt had spent some time with her with Hubby's parents. Hubby found out at about 4:30 Monday afternoon and immediately went to bed--until 10 the next morning. That's how he deals with grief and stress. He went to see her on Saturday, so at least he was able to say goodbye. I had offered to give up going to the Halloween party with S2 so I could go with Hubby, but he said he didn't want me there, he wanted a chance to see his grandmother alone before she passed.

I've been messing around with the bass guitar, just kind of figuring out how different notes sound and such. So far, it's fun. When it stops being fun, I give the bass back to S2.

Last night was my weeknight with S2 (actually, this week I get two weeknights, because he has Spikes and Beads this weekend). Things felt a little wonky at first, but by the end of the night, all was well. I think he and I were both overtired, plus he'd spent the day with Spikes and Beads, who didn't have school because it was election day and their school is a polling place, so students stayed home, and he was pretty worn out from that. He took them to the beach and a few other places.

He'd mentioned a couple weeks ago that he was trying to figure out how to tell his mother about me, and I brought that up last night because he was talking about the friend he'd told. I'd been under the impression that his mother didn't know anything at all about our relationship, but S2 said he has told her he's seeing someone and has told her a little about me, like the fact that I'm a published author. He just hasn't worked out yet how to tell her about me being married to someone else, and how that's all okay...

His friend got over his initial reaction, though. Once he processed, he went back to S2 and asked for more explanation, and after S2 went through the long version of how we met and why our relationship works and is fine with Hubby, the friend said it was all good, he was happy for S2, and, "Here's some money, buy me one of her books and have her autograph it for me."
 
A couple of days ago, I heard from a friend I met a few months after I first joined AdultFriendFinder. I'll call him Speed because he works in racing. We've mostly been just friends, but we had sex a couple of times... because he and his wife were swingers, and she asked me to go to a house party with them to "play" with him while she went off and did her thing. I had two threesomes with them as well, but was never actually physical with the wife. (And I've been told that it wasn't a "real threesome" because of that... by the same people who act completely horrified when I ask if it's a real MFM threesome if the two men aren't sexual with each other.)

That all was 7 years ago; he and his wife split up about a month after I got involved. Not really because of me, though I was the catalyst. They'd been fighting for a long time because she kept breaking the rules they'd set (for example, she refused to use condoms with the guys she fucked at house parties), and she had become romantically involved with another guy from our chat group even though their agreement prohibited romantic relationships. Another friend of mine was friends with the other guy and set me up on a date with him, and the plan was for us to spend a night at a hotel, and then Speed and his wife would meet us there the next day, the wife would stay with the other guy, and Speed and I would go to the house party we'd been going to.

Things went VERY badly for me with the other guy. I said "I don't think I want anything to happen," and the guy heard it as "Make me want it." My friend and the two women he was hooking up with that night were right down the hall, and I wanted to go to them for help, but I didn't want to interrupt their fun... I was still struggling with other shit from my past back then. So I was made to do things I didn't want to do, fell asleep because I lived an hour and a half away and wasn't safe to drive after that, and then fled the next morning before the guy woke up.

The guy and Speed's wife both flipped out on me because I'd ruined *their* plans by running away from the guy who had essentially raped me. Speed took *my* side. That was the end of Speed's marriage, and because I wasn't in any shape to leave my house once I got home, Speed went out to dinner with a woman who became his long-term partner; they're still together.

Speed and I (and his girlfriend and I) are friends on Facebook and check in with each other occasionally, but we hadn't really had a conversation in at least two years. Out of the blue on Wednesday, he IMed me to tell me about something from his past that he'd been keeping to himself out of fear of being judged; for some reason, it had come up on him, and I was the only person he trusted enough to talk to about it.

We've been talking daily since then. He knew I'd married Hubby, but he didn't know we'd opened the marriage, let alone anything about my current situation. Ironically, the implosion of Speed's marriage was one of the main reasons that I insisted on written rules and boundaries when Hubby and I opened the marriage. Speed says he's happy for me as long as I'm happy, and he's glad that I have not one, but two good men in my life. He knows as much about my past as Hubby does.
 
Struggling a little today. I woke up this morning feeling guilty about how things ended with Guy. The last time I heard from him was when he sent me the message saying that I obviously hadn't forgiven him, and then didn't answer my response. I deleted his number from my phone, unfriended him in all the places we were "friends", and threw away a couple of things I owned that had too much association with him.

But I know how badly he was hurt by his last girlfriend before me, and I hate hurting people. And I had always told him he didn't deserve to be hurt and I would try not to hurt him. I didn't hurt him intentionally; it was collateral damage when I had to protect myself from him after what happened between us. But I still feel bad about it. And I know his mental health issues and am worried about him, and I have no way to find out whether he's okay or not.

Over the past couple of weeks, both Hubby and S2 have expressed concerns about getting hurt. Hubby said that he was hurt by experiences as a teenager and he trusts me not to hurt him; S2 said he is still "playing our relationship by ear" because sometimes part of him is afraid of getting hurt, so he holds back.

I'm afraid too... not only of being hurt (because sadly, I've been hurt so many times by people I cared about that I expect it now, even though I try not to) but of hurting them. I've told each of them that I intend to try to never hurt them intentionally. That's the best I can do, and I hate the thought that I might hurt one of them the way I hurt Guy.

I know what happened with Guy wasn't my fault. I said "I don't want to" and he pushed me into doing it anyway. That was all on him. What happened afterward was on him, too; I couldn't stay involved with someone who would do that to me. But that doesn't stop my guilt, which sucks.
 
And more struggles. Further conversations with Speed led to topics with which I'm entirely uncomfortable, and that spiraled me into a bit of a meltdown yesterday. He KNOWS I don't like talking about sex. He's known that for seven years. And yet he found it necessary to give me details about an experience he had, to push for details about my sex life, and then when I made it clear I wasn't happy with the conversation, he said, "I'm sorry. I thought you liked hearing sex stories, since you write them."

I've heard that kind of bullshit from men who don't know me on sites like AFF and OKC, but I never would have expected it from someone who knows me well and whom I've considered a friend for several years. I had to stop talking to him because I couldn't deal with him anymore at that point.

Because I was already shaky, that conversation with Speed sent me into an emotional black hole mess. Fortunately, Hubby was in a headspace where he could listen to me, help me process, and reassure me. I was still not in a great mood all day yesterday, not helped at all by the fact that I had to write an explicit scene for a story I was working on, but I got through it.

Meanwhile, the guilt about Guy fed into guilt about having to stay silent about polyamory in any venue where Hubby's family might see. That means on my personal Facebook account (as opposed to my author pages), I can't say anything about being happy when S2 says or does something awesome for me. I have to pretend I have only one man in my life, and it kinda sucks. I hate hiding. That festered overnight, and this morning, when I realized I probably wouldn't have a chance to talk to Hubby for more than a few minutes until sometime this weekend, I sent Hubby this email, which he hasn't answered yet:

I'm going to try to keep this short, though I'll probably fail, because I know you don't like reading things. But this is important to me, and it's easier for me to communicate in writing.

Since I "came out" to you as polyamorous last year, you've been amazingly accepting and supportive. I can't even tell you how much that means to me. But your support doesn't extend to other people finding out, and that bothers me.

Having to hide my relationship with (Guy) was hard, but he was hiding it too, so it wasn't as difficult. With (S2), though... I don't like hiding. He's told people in his life about me. I've met his kids and some of his friends, and he wants me to meet his mother as soon as he figures out how to explain the situation to her. He's met our kids, and they both like him. He wants to be open about our relationship because he's happy with me. I feel the same way. He has not asked *me* to be open. He has chosen to be open with people in *his* life.

On my (romance author) social media accounts, I've been open, as I have on AFF. I've officially "come out" as polyamorous in a post on (my romance author) blog, which no one read, according to my site stats. I've told my parents the truth. I still haven't told (Country), but based on a few things she's said about (S2), I'm quite sure she knows what's going on.

Out of respect for you, I haven't said anything on (my personal) Facebook account, but that is becoming both very difficult and very wrong for me. You're afraid of what your family will say. I understand that. But by respecting your fear, I am disrespecting myself and (S2). I am lying to everyone on that account by hiding part of the truth about myself.

I'm one lucky bitch, and I know it. I have TWO men in my life who love me, love my kids, and want me in their lives. And I want to be able to share that.

You deserve respect and consideration, but so does (S2), and so do I. The few members of your family who are able to see my Facebook posts might not react well. You care about that. I don't. I care about how *I* feel, about respecting *myself*, and about being the honest, ethical person I have always been. Right now, I am not being allowed to be that person, and it is starting to feel very constricting.

Bottom line: I want to stop hiding. I know you're afraid of fighting with your family, but this is about *me*. I want you to be happy and comfortable, but not at the cost of *my* happiness and comfort. You're the one who keeps telling me to stand up for myself and be more selfish. That's what I'm doing here.

This is important to me. I don't want to be open without at least giving you a chance to weigh in, so I am asking you to consider what I've said. I have never asked you to lie about anything, but you're asking me to lie about something essential to who I am. It isn't fair to me.
 
I'm not out on Facebook, mostly because I don't want to deal with the people who are my Facebook friends from work finding out. However, I do have several lists of friends set up, one of which is explicitly people I know won't have an issue with poly. When I want to post something poly related, I pick that list of friends to share with. You can select who is going to see your posts before you post them. Maybe a compromise would be to set up a list on Facebook of everyone except your husband's family members and just post everything you post to that list. That way you are authentic and honest about who you are but your husband doesn't have to deal with the fallout with his family. Just an idea.
 
I work for myself (other than very occasional paperwork for my father-in-law), so I'm not concerned about that.

Hubby doesn't do well with compromising. For him, it's usually all or nothing. And to be honest, I'd rather just entirely unfriend his relatives on Facebook than have to deal with the hassle of hiding my posts from them. To me, that isn't any more honest than not saying anything at all. I'm not ashamed of anything and Hubby claims he isn't either, so hiding wouldn't make sense.

Hubby says he's read the email, but he won't tell me anything beyond "I'm not mad at you." Which is really kind of pissing me off, though I do get that it's partly because we're at the workplace, and even though we're alone in the office, it isn't a conducive environment to discussing things. Though he could, y'know, answer my email with an email...
 
When Hubby got home from work last night, we talked about the email.

He said that to him, he's made so many compromises and accommodations for me already that he doesn't think it's fair for me to ask to be open with his family. He admitted that even though he *tries* to be okay with poly, he isn't as okay with it as he would like, and part of that is a sense of acute embarrassment and anger when he thinks about explaining things to his family, especially his parents and their generation.

He did say that as far as he's concerned, as long as he is NEVER put into the position of having to discuss it with anyone related to him or anyone who knows his relatives, I can be open with whomever else I choose. And he relaxed somewhat when I said I wasn't talking about shouting from the rooftops or doing some grand "coming out" post; I was just talking about not censoring myself from saying things like "My boyfriend wrote this awesome song for me."

So Hannah, I am going to try to sort out Facebook to be able to keep his family and their friends from seeing certain of my posts... I'm tech-challenged enough that I don't know if I'll be able to figure it out, but I appreciate your suggestion.

Meanwhile, on Sunday Hubby and I talked some about the whole polyship. I was trying to articulate to him how and why things feel vastly different with S2 from how they were with Guy. Part of it is definitely that I'm able to actually spend time with S2, but it's more than that. He's told people in his personal life about me (even though some of them don't know I'm poly, just that he's seeing me), and he and I've met and like each other's kids. And his kids seem to like me, and mine like him. With Guy, I was the dirty little secret and didn't see that ever changing; with S2, I'm something in his life that he's happy with and even proud of, and he wants people to know.

And yeah, I know I shouldn't be comparing, but this is my blog and that's how my brain is going when I try to comprehend this.

At one point when Guy and I were together, Hubby said something, only half joking, about eventually letting Guy move in with us, in large part because having an additional income in the household would help a lot. That wasn't something that ever would have happened even if Guy and I had stayed together, and the idea never sat well with me anyway.

But with S2... I can see it. I can see that kind of future for our polycule. I can see, probably after Country leaves for college (at which point Hubby and I are planning to move our of our current apartment regardless of what else is going on), having S2 living in the same household, having Spikes and Beads with us every other weekend, having us all be an actual family. In the happy part of my imagination, I have an image of me helping Spikes with his homework at the kitchen table, while S2 and Country cook a meal for everyone and Hubby entertains Beads. (And Alt, I guess, is at work. lol.)

I told Hubby that, and he didn't seem even remotely opposed to the possibility...He even acknowledged that it seems more likely and more "right", for want of a better word, with S2 than it did with Guy.

I'm not ready to share those thoughts with S2, though. It's way too soon. We've only been together four months, and it's only been a month since we admitted we loved each other and we've transitioned from "going on dates" to being in a full-fledged relationship. His divorce can't be finalized for at least another month, and he told me early on that he didn't want to get into another spend-our-lives together type of relationship any time soon. He was married for fourteen years, and believed he and his ex would grow old together; even though the marriage is ending amicably and for reasons neither of them could change, it's still very hard on him. Especially given the opposition and even anger from some of his family members.

I think his vision of his post-separation life has changed. He was initially seeking non-monogamy; he was familiar with polyamory because it was a solution his ex suggested (though she dropped the idea after a few days) and because before his marriage, he was involved with a girlfriend who had another boyfriend. Which explains why he seems to have adapted to our relationship so easily.

But since he and I met, he's gone on only the one date with the one other woman. Completely aside from the scare that arose from that, he told me before he went out with her that he felt guilty about it, almost as if he were cheating on me. And after that scare, he told me he doubted he would date anyone else. It's been a month since that happened as well, and in that time, the only mention he's made of anyone else is wanting to tell the other woman he wouldn't be seeing her again, but not having told her yet because when he was going to, she told him her father had just died. He told me that even though he believed he wanted non-monogamy, he now feels like that isn't right for him.

Hubby told me when we talked yesterday that if he had things his way, he and I would still be monogamous. But when I told him I was sorry it isn't that way, he told me, "Don't be sorry for something you can't change. This is who you ARE, and I wouldn't want you to be anyone else. Be you." He's expressed a vague interest in having sex with another woman for the sake of variety, but he isn't pursuing it; he's more thinking along the lines of "If it's offered, I might take it" than of actually seeking another partner. And he's said flat out that even if that did happen, for him, it would only be about sex, he doesn't have room in his heart to love anyone other than me.

When I told S2 I was worried that he wouldn't be happy with being with someone who's polyamorous, especially as he seems to be realizing he isn't geared that way himself, he told me he's very happy with how things are right now.

So it seems like I'm with two men who each want to be exclusive with me. And even though no one can predict the future, I can see a strong possibility of one for us.

It's weird. In a completely wonderful way.
 
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