2nd Chapter

azorkanesbrat

New member
I like to blog. I like to blog a lot. So this will be a good place for me to document my 2nd chapter in life.

I've been here before. My husband and I were married for 11 years when we decided that we'd open our hearts to others. He found someone - they fell in love and had a very brief relationship that came at the expense of his and mine - and left me feeling lost and alone.

I didn't tell him to end it - he chose to based on my assertation that I was going to make a choice that was right for me since my conversations with them were seen as controlling and in the end - she and her husband accused me (not to my face) of forcing their break up. I did not.

So now, I've got a second chapter. A new man, a new relationship and we're opening our lives to ethical non-monogamy.

He (azorkane - not on this site) is dating a lovely woman (amber - also not on this site) who I really enjoy spending time together with as well.

We've had a couple nights of snuggles all in one bed - and there hasn't been any awkwardness or uncomfortable-ness.

A lot of the issues that existed when my husband and I were together and he had his GF seem to be dissapating.

I had a long conversation with my BF last night about the "overlay" of emotions and triggers and history. Everything that happens, I get triggered by what happened in the past. What happened with my husband. What happened with his girlfriend. I've asked him to be patient - that I am and will work through the stress and the overlay - but especially with this week being a super huge, hard trigger for me - I'm overly emotional and stressed and crying a lot - and reading things into moments that are not there.

I'm waiting to get past Thursday to let some of that go and hopefully be able to see my life with clearer eyes not clouded in grief and hurt and sadness - just focus on what's in front of me and how things are different now.

Anyhow. I don't have a partner of my own. Between my BF and I, we have 5 kids at home and I'm home and responsible for them more often than he is. I work full time an hour away - and likely will have a lot of overtime in the summer as fire season heats up.

So I just don't have the time - but not from lack of desire. If anything - I'd be looking for a female partner - but I'm open to whatever life brings.

So for now... I'm writing my 2nd chapter and just seeing how it all plays out.
 
It's been a few weeks - we spend a lot of time with Amber, and we're all developing a great friendship.

The night before an incredibly emotional day for me, she spent the night and we all ended up in a tangled, sweaty mess... It was awesome.

She and I spend time alone, he spends time with her alone and the three of us spend time together.

We're all talking, all having fun, and sex isn't really a factor right now - it's all going very slowly.

I have to say - this is the way I envisioned poly being. People talking, people enjoying others' company, and people just getting to know each other.

She identifies as bi-curious, I am very much bi-sexual and I told her flat out that I am interested but she has to make moves and move things in that direction. She likes to snuggle and hold hands and in general things are very sweet between all of us.

Azorkane is smitten with her :) I think it's awesome. There's none of the jealousy and insecurity that happened in the past. The only sticking point I have is I don't want to wake up alone. It will happen but right now I'm not ok with it. There are reasons, which he understands, and he's happy with where things are going right now.

Overall - there's a lot of positive in Amber coming into our lives.
 
My life is stupidly busy. I work for the Forest Service and there's wildfires all around.

Amber is spending about half the time at our house - I've made it very clear that I need/value time with Azorkane alone - that they need time alone, that she and I need time alone, and that it all needs to happen.

They are both in agreement.

Things are really comfortable, we're enjoying each other's company and I'm fairly relaxed about things.

I did have a moment the other morning where I was getting out of bed before them, he was snuggled up to her and I had a moment or 2 of "WTF" and the twisty knot of jealousy/anxiety that fucks up my life over and over (gotta love having a mental illness)

But the good part is that I stopped for a moment, realized I hadn't taken my meds the night before, took a deep breath and just enjoyed the sight of them snuggled.

I don't have a problem with them - I have a problem with my own head fucking things up. I know that she's adamant that he and I stay strong and solid or she's not comfortable. That gives me a LOT of security.

It's so far a pleasant and enjoyable situation :) We really like each other's company and we really enjoy spending time together...
 
Gotta love mental health issues!
But-GREAT JOB for realizing the issue and dealign with it! That's awesome!
Someday I will figure out how to remember this log in name. But for now-if you don't mind I'm just going to think of you as a derby girl lol!
 
I have been doing a lot of work around co-dependency. I know I've got co-dependent issues. I identify with everything on an "Are you co-dependant" checklist.

And as I work through them... as I make changes... as I learn to let go... things are getting SO much better. I'm happier, he's happier, she's still awesome at listening and not taking sides....

But I'm not getting as wound up. And I'm learning to let go. And it's SO. FREAKING. NICE.

I'm not perfect - but it's coming a long way. I think back about how the previous poly situation was, and OMG were we ALL ever co-dependent. It was a clusterfuck designed around a SNAFU that had no choice to fail.

My relationship with my husband worked so very well because we were both co-dependent on each other in a huge way. And it worked well. Very well. And we were mostly happy. even when we were miserable we were happy.

This time around - with Azorkane, he's very much interdependant. Loves me, loves being with me, but doesn't want to change me or stop me from being me. It's amazing and wonderful and more than a little disconcerting.

But I'm learning. And things are getting better. :D:D
 
We're still working through issues. Last night he posted an amazing post on Facebook which just warmed my heart.

ok I was going to save this one for last. but I cant cuz latly someone very important to my life, my kids and my future has been feeling off. so I have to let this out. I am so very fucken enormously greatful to <took out my name>. for falling in love with me in past present and future. there not a day that goes by that feel so greatful that your in my life. even in your melt downs. in your grief. and those day you forget your pills. and I know I have been off too latly.but you are always and forever are my love. you are my partner in life. you make me feel like a man, a father, a kid all over again and loved im greatful for you being the one thing in my life that is for sure my one true love. from the time I get up til I go to sleep I know you give me love. <took out my name> I am so greatful you are mine

I KNOW he loves me. I KNOW that those feelings haven't changed. Other things have - our sex life is not what I'd like it to be (he hasn't touched me sexually in about 2 weeks) but I'm trying to let that go while he deals with stress and irritation and understand that it's not me - it's other issues.

I picked up a great book the other day - it's helping a lot to understand who he is and why he is. I'm putting a lot of the things into play but finding that it's hard for ME because the needs I have are not *quite* being met, but I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to not take things personally because it's not ALL ABOUT ME.

Amber is awesome. She's clear that it has to be solid between Azorkane and I for it to work with her in our lives and has told me that if it's not - she's ok with backing off to "friend" status.

The problem I have with that is that I like her a lottle (that's like a little, but a lot). We're developing this incredible friendship "not a relationship" thing that just makes me smile a lot. Gotta love NRE.

It's all very complicated... I'm needy - I get that. I am anxious and insecure and terrified to lose Azorkane (either through death or seperation) But I also know that those feelings are reactionary and not rooted in anything real or concrete. My husband died. He was 49 when he died. Azorkane is 48. It's a stupidly PTSD-like feeling.

I'm working on it.

I'd really like more sex though... *sigh* At least I know no one in our circle is getting it.... so it's not like I'm the one being left out.
 
I thought I had a post about last night in here - I can't find it so... meh.

Basically we spent 5 hours on the phone last night talking and airing out some of the issues that have been hurting us both.

I'm working on just letting it happen, going with the "just do it" philosophy. It worked this morning with our sex issuess, and while I still have some anxiety, I'm hoping that it will work for the rest of our life as well.

I trust him. I trust that he loves me. I trust that he wants to spend his life with me. I trust that he doesn't want to hurt me. I trust that he finds me desireable.

I just have to surrender to that trust.

Tonight, I'm working on "going with the flow"

Today I got some amazingly awesome sleepy snuggles with him - tonight and tomorrow he works night shift, Wed he's hoping to stay at Amber's, and Thurs I'm hoping to stay there...

Normally I would "claim" Friday as mine - but since she has a pretty strong rule about not staying at our house on work nights - Saturday's ours alone so I'm going with the flow of waiting and being patient.

I've asked him to be gentle if my anxiety gets the better of me - but I'm really focussing on the good stuff, on the trust, on the love and on the smile he gets on his face.

Funny how *I* am the one who wants poly but I struggle with my partner being with someone... someone once said "monogamish" Meh. I'll figure it out. Going with the flow right now.
 
Grrrrrrrrrr lost a long-ish post.

Short version:

Tonight they're spending the night at her house.
Tomorrow I"m supposed to spend the night at her house.
Friday she's supposed to spend the night at our house.

I'm anxious about it - I had to take my dog to obedience training and so I left the house in a rush, giving everyone a quick hug.

She's freaking awesome - she's clear about how he and I need to be solid, and she and I had a conversation tonight where she said flat out that if she was dating one she was dating both. She likes us both. And that when sex finally happens (it hasn't) for her - there's no one else but us.

So as I was posting this originally - they stopped in before they went to her house for the night. He bought me awesome purple flowers with the cutest bear attached.

There were lots of hugs all around and most of my anxiety was washed away.

I'm going to have a good night - and I'm looking forward to my night with her tomorrow.
 
Today I am content.

He spent the night at her house on Wednesday night.
I spent the night at her house on Thursday night.
We'd hoped that she'd stay at our house last night - but she wanted to be home. We ended up watching a family movie and snuggling on our couch and some amazing sex late in the night.

I am content this morning. I was snuggled awake by the man I love and I feel like I've been *reset* from the week away from him.

Today.. go find a job, or go buy a car so I can complete my contract at my current job, and find a way to clean my house to my standards.

Seriously content.
 
WE have this tendency to get into these fights where he'll get mad (*upset*), then he'll withdraw from me, I'll get mad at him for not talking to me, and either I'll go somewhere and cry or we'll fight... loudly.

Last night he did something that made me see red.

I stopped talking to him, and went to bed after saying goodnight to all the kids.

I texted LR about it.

I tried to go to sleep. When he came to bed, I was facing his side, body pillow in between.

He lay down... tried to sorta snuggle up and... APOLOGIZED for being irritable.

Ya could have knocked me over with a feather.

Apparently me leaving and being mad in the bedroom gives him time to calm down and be more thoughtful.

Go figure.

He's only been telling me this for a year.

Huh.

Ended up being a good night - loving and snuggly in bed.
 
I am a little concerned about Amber.

She's off. Pissy. Very independant. And not in a great mood lately.

I know it has nothing to do with me or Azorkane - she's pissed off at her boss, pissed off at her knee injury, pissed off at her body that won't heal as quick as she'd like and frustrated with her life.

She also has mental health issues and while they are peripheral for our lives - they do affect us in how much she wants to be around people in general.

But I miss her. I miss her banter and her chatty-ness and I'm trying to just "go with the flow" and let her be her.
 
Got to spend an evening with Amber & Azorkane watching a movie. It was lovely, great snuggles and cuddles.

Then last night - my life imploded.

Azorkane and I started fighting, sorta, and I didn't know what it was over.

Amber and I were hanging out while he went off and did his thing - left for a while, came home, hid in the bedroom.

I asked him at one point if he was going to be mad at me all night - he said "probably"

At the end of the night when I drove her home, I told him that I didn't know WTF - and that I wasn't coming to bed unless he invited me. I didn't want to sleep next to someone who was angry with me.

I slept on the couch.

This morning was silent.

We finally talked - and it was a brutal fight - tears and shouting and what have you.

Finally came to a place of peace and sorting things out - and he dropped the "It's over with Amber" bomb. He doesn't want to pursue it any further - feels that we're fighting too much - she's sorta distanced herself (don't blame her - there's lots of fighting lately) - I think its more she's reclaiming part of her life. She hasn't spent the night in a while.

But he feels like we're all going to just get hurt.

I told him he didn't have the right to *make* me end it with her - but if it comes down to it - I'll slip back into "just friends"

It doesn't help that she doesn't consider this a relationship - as far as she's concerned, relationships are when you live together.

I don't know if it's actually going to end between us all - but it's kinda painful thinking about it.

I have a serious emotional hangover. Going to bed early tonight. We're in a good place - but I feel very much unsettled.

Although i *did* manage to get some feelings out that had been brewing - some things he says in general that make me feel like I'm not on solid ground with him...

It was an interesting conversation - but at the same time - I still feel like things are chaotic.

They'll get better... just takes time.
 
Absolutely fantastic night with Azorkane last night.

Missed Amber. We haven't spent a lot of time with her recently.

But it was amazing between Azorkane and I. I am a happy, happy woman this morning :)
 
So Azorkane, despite falling for Amber, has told her he needs to take a step back.

She hasn't texted me or him all day today.

Regardless of the relationship with all three of us, I miss my friend. I'm used to her texting with me all freaking day and now... radio silence.

I haz a sad. :(
 
Things have ended with Amber. She is my friend, we still talk and hang out, but the whole relationship thing has ended.

Azorkane and I are having issues - not related to Amber - and there is some strain and stress on our relationship right now.
 
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