The Best Life Yet

I hate it when it feels like something is just going GREAT and for reasons that feel, frankly, dumb as heck, or for reasons you never even get told in the first place, someone in your life just...ends it.

Especially when you feel kind of like, "what do you need? I'll do it. I just want you in my life." Nope.

"Dumb as heck" is a good way of putting it. Like, HELLO, we have been doing this thing for TWO YEARS and it hasn't messed anything up for anyone. In fact, we've all had a TON of fun.

And I may have *ahem* sent him the collage I made of all the fun we've had. Rider told me that was possibly a bad idea but, dammit, I'm not going to NOT BE ME in order to keep someone's love. And part of being "me" includes making sappy, sentimental collages. And then sharing them with the people in them. I'm hopeless.

And it's been my experience that trying to apply the "million fish" concept...replace a loved one with another interest, just like that...it does not work. Sometimes an intense new love almost seems to drive an old one out of your head, but you know what? I don't think that's really what is happening. I think that when the right amount of time...whatever that is...to grieve and heal, has passed, then and only then can you really become PRESENT enough to blaze up for someone else.

That sounds about right. I dunno. I guess I had one new person who I was kinda excited about hanging out with, but now that my emotions are all cocked sideways, I'm not even sure that's a good idea. When Sam was "exciting partner but far away," the idea of perhaps sporadically seeing someone in addition to Rider and Sam sounded mildly appealing. Now that Sam is "recent breakup person far away but maybe moving closer and OMG what happens next," I am having trouble mustering up any kind of enthusiasm for further rocking the boat.
 
Talking to Kelly gave me a little epiphany.

So I already noticed and said out loud to Rider that it seems like what keeps happening is that I'll have a really good time with someone and lay my heart totally open, and begin to feel safe with and loved by them...and the very next moment is the one where they decide to pull the rug out from under me.

It happened with Moss after I came to see him for his birthday and we had a romantic desert camping trip. It happened with Beckett when his eyes began to shine for me and I could tell he'd let his façade drop. And it happened with Sam this past weekend when he was unabashedly showing me love and affection, with his gaze lingering on mine so long that we fell into each other's eyes.

Moss decided to go mono with someone else nearly as soon as I got home. Beckett decided to go mono with someone else after saying it felt like he and I were "turning into a relationship" and he "couldn't handle two relationships." And now Sam...is just not that comfy with poly after all, I guess.

My epiphany is that as soon as these guys realize how serious I am about the "amor" side of "polyamory" and, importantly, once they really start tipping in that direction too, then suddenly they get the urge to run. They're content to occupy my bed from time to time, to have fun, but as soon as big, real feelings start to emerge, suddenly poly becomes a problem for them.

Kelly said, "It is very, very hard for most people to understand poly, I think. 'The Way Things Are Supposed To Be' is strong in many."

And...it SUCKS! :mad:
 
As is my way, input "pain," output "song":

Wildflower

Where my love grows
it's not a tiny garden,
more like a giant forest,
or all the green on the map
across the world and then back.

You give me water,
and I'll grow you a redwood,
so thick and everlasting—
a lush and verdant habitat
for owls and frogs and wildcats

that run and play and pounce and purr.

And who says I can't make happily ever after
out of that?

I'm good at making silver linings out of absence of fact.

Where my love grows,
it's not a picket-fence plot,
more like a wilderness walk,
or all the jungles and vines
from the beginning of time.

Don't give me water,
and I'll grow you a cactus
with pink and purple flowers...
and maybe tiny little spines,
but ants and lizards, they don't mind.

They run and chase and sun and burn.

And who says I can't make happily ever after
out of that?

You give me water...
...and I'll grow you a redwood...
 
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Oh, Reverie...I wish we could have a hugging and hand-clasping moment here, because I feel you. I so do.

Every time in my life I've ever had big feelings for a partner, they've pretty much pulled up stakes and vanished in short order. I came to imagine that Spork-under-the-influence-of-love must be simply awful, repugnant, something people run away from. I've beaten myself with that stick many times. Thought that the only way a relationship could "work" longterm for me, was if my own feelings were basically sort of lukewarm.

And what a painful thing it is to have someone run from your love.

I know we can be kind of intense. Why is no one brave enough to stand in the bonfire with us?

It's why what is going on with me and Zen right now is TERRIFYING. I feel, right alongside the joy and exhilaration, like I've handed him a dagger and bared my heart and I'm just breathing and waiting to see if he'll be kind or cruel. (Which...is kind of funny, since he IS a sadist...)

Anyways, I don't think there's a damn thing anyone can say that'll make this hurt less for you, unless it be certain words from Sam himself...but love and healing and sympathetic thoughts are with you.
 
First, Reverie, I'm so sorry you're going through this with Sam :( I really think things will be ok in the end. Not just ok - great. You love each other. Maybe it won't be exactly the relationship with him you'd hoped for... But you're not going to stop loving each other.

So I already noticed and said out loud to Rider that it seems like what keeps happening is that I'll have a really good time with someone and lay my heart totally open, and begin to feel safe with and loved by them...and the very next moment is the one where they decide to pull the rug out from under me.

...

My epiphany is that as soon as these guys realize how serious I am about the "amor" side of "polyamory" and, importantly, once they really start tipping in that direction too, then suddenly they get the urge to run. They're content to occupy my bed from time to time, to have fun, but as soon as big, real feelings start to emerge, suddenly poly becomes a problem for them.

Every time in my life I've ever had big feelings for a partner, they've pretty much pulled up stakes and vanished in short order. I came to imagine that Spork-under-the-influence-of-love must be simply awful, repugnant, something people run away from. I've beaten myself with that stick many times. Thought that the only way a relationship could "work" longterm for me, was if my own feelings were basically sort of lukewarm.

And what a painful thing it is to have someone run from your love.

I know we can be kind of intense. Why is no one brave enough to stand in the bonfire with us?

Ok, so, just to give both of you another perspective on this...

I'm going through a lot of this with Dag now, but from the other side. I'm the one who wants to run. I mean, I've been fighting the urge to run for, geez, 6 months now. And it's not because I don't get poly, or because loving him is too overwhelming. Well, not exactly.

It's just that things are so damn GOOD, when we're together, and then he's gone, and I'm miserable until I see him again. And I have tried and tried, but I can't turn off that nesting instinct, that desire to just have him all the time. The whiplash of ecstatic-to-depressed-to-ecstatic is quite honestly driving me insane.

I think sometimes, when you truly connect with someone in every way, as friends, as lovers, as (I can't believe I'm about to say this) soul mates... It's just too fucking hard to settle for only a little bit of them. It's not so much "I don't want to share this person" as "I'm not getting my needs met, I'm not getting enough". It might have been enough in the beginning, or in a casual situation. But once those intense feelings came? Some people can feel that intensity and relish it without needing tons of time and attention. Others, not so much.

And all of this is incredibly hard to admit, even to yourself, much less to the person you adore. It's lots easier to run away, or reduce it to something simple like "can't do poly" or "don't want anyone to get hurt".

Some days I feel like love should conquer all, and somehow make it all worth it. But other days I think there's just no reason to hurt myself this way, when dialing things back to friendship would preserve so much of the joy, and end so much of the heartache.

Ok, there's your "Claire is projecting yet again" moment for the day ;) But I did want you both to realize that sometimes it's not that someone can't love you, or can't love you and share you ... just that they can't love you that intensely and settle for a limited role in your life.
 
I hope he gets his head on straight, I truly do.
 
First, Reverie, I'm so sorry you're going through this with Sam :( I really think things will be ok in the end. Not just ok - great. You love each other. Maybe it won't be exactly the relationship with him you'd hoped for... But you're not going to stop loving each other.





Ok, so, just to give both of you another perspective on this...

I'm going through a lot of this with Dag now, but from the other side. I'm the one who wants to run. I mean, I've been fighting the urge to run for, geez, 6 months now. And it's not because I don't get poly, or because loving him is too overwhelming. Well, not exactly.

It's just that things are so damn GOOD, when we're together, and then he's gone, and I'm miserable until I see him again. And I have tried and tried, but I can't turn off that nesting instinct, that desire to just have him all the time. The whiplash of ecstatic-to-depressed-to-ecstatic is quite honestly driving me insane.

I think sometimes, when you truly connect with someone in every way, as friends, as lovers, as (I can't believe I'm about to say this) soul mates... It's just too fucking hard to settle for only a little bit of them. It's not so much "I don't want to share this person" as "I'm not getting my needs met, I'm not getting enough". It might have been enough in the beginning, or in a casual situation. But once those intense feelings came? Some people can feel that intensity and relish it without needing tons of time and attention. Others, not so much.

And all of this is incredibly hard to admit, even to yourself, much less to the person you adore. It's lots easier to run away, or reduce it to something simple like "can't do poly" or "don't want anyone to get hurt".

Some days I feel like love should conquer all, and somehow make it all worth it. But other days I think there's just no reason to hurt myself this way, when dialing things back to friendship would preserve so much of the joy, and end so much of the heartache.

Ok, there's your "Claire is projecting yet again" moment for the day ;) But I did want you both to realize that sometimes it's not that someone can't love you, or can't love you and share you ... just that they can't love you that intensely and settle for a limited role in your life.

I actually wonder if some of that might also come down to the concept (not the exact particulars) of "love languages" too? I know that if I'm feeling longing for my lover and cannot connect with them, if I get some communication via words...email, text, phone call...it is meaningful enough to make me feel secure and happy and hold me over.

But one of my lovers does NOT work that way. Has been lied to enough that they have difficulty really taking "love nourishment" from words alone. They require time, touch, and other affirmations.

But I've been on the other side of the equation, too. I've had people reach out for more than what I wanted to give, and I've created distance... But the difference is, for one thing, we're not talking about poly folk or self aware "negotiate all the things" folk. We're talking those who are driven to pair-bond period. If a partner had strong feelings growing for me that I did not reciprocate, even if I was very fond of them, even loved them, but they were blazing and falling for me and I wasn't...I got the feeling they were demanding more than I could give them. And I backed off. But that was mostly correct I think, because those men were of the mono and possessive mindset...they wanted to have/own/keep/control the object of their love (me) and I couldn't let that happen.

On the other hand when I have known very well that my intense love was demanding nothing of my partner, and made that really clear to them...I don't know why they couldn't accept it. Seems like some people are so used to love being a trap, they can't understand when it's NOT. So, my experience hasn't so much been with guys who were in love but not getting enough...more with guys who weren't as attachy as me, and firmly, stubbornly, insistent in belief that I would grasp for more than they wished to give.
 
I have been soooo busy, both at work and outside of it, that I haven't had much time to write in the past few days. I am carving out some time to respond now...

I know we can be kind of intense. Why is no one brave enough to stand in the bonfire with us?

It's why what is going on with me and Zen right now is TERRIFYING. I feel, right alongside the joy and exhilaration, like I've handed him a dagger and bared my heart and I'm just breathing and waiting to see if he'll be kind or cruel. (Which...is kind of funny, since he IS a sadist...)

Anyways, I don't think there's a damn thing anyone can say that'll make this hurt less for you, unless it be certain words from Sam himself...but love and healing and sympathetic thoughts are with you.

Thank you, Spork. One of the many cool things about Rider is that he, himself, is super intense and DOES stand in that bonfire with me. He always tells me that that's something he loves about me, too: that in every other relationship he always had to dial his love and affection down to like 10%, but he doesn't have to do that with me because I can take all he gives and return it in kind. It's part of what makes us perfect for each other.

I really wish more people were like that. I had been hoping that being poly would allow me to rest easier in dating people who are NOT like that, because I have Rider to soak up the excess, in a way. But as it has turned out, it hasn't really worked out that way. I still want to pour a ton of love on people if I really like them, even if I have someone at home to take it out on.

It's just that things are so damn GOOD, when we're together, and then he's gone, and I'm miserable until I see him again. And I have tried and tried, but I can't turn off that nesting instinct, that desire to just have him all the time. The whiplash of ecstatic-to-depressed-to-ecstatic is quite honestly driving me insane.

I think sometimes, when you truly connect with someone in every way, as friends, as lovers, as (I can't believe I'm about to say this) soul mates... It's just too fucking hard to settle for only a little bit of them. It's not so much "I don't want to share this person" as "I'm not getting my needs met, I'm not getting enough". It might have been enough in the beginning, or in a casual situation. But once those intense feelings came? Some people can feel that intensity and relish it without needing tons of time and attention. Others, not so much.

And all of this is incredibly hard to admit, even to yourself, much less to the person you adore. It's lots easier to run away, or reduce it to something simple like "can't do poly" or "don't want anyone to get hurt".

Some days I feel like love should conquer all, and somehow make it all worth it. But other days I think there's just no reason to hurt myself this way, when dialing things back to friendship would preserve so much of the joy, and end so much of the heartache.

I think I understand what you mean, and I have to say that I don't know if this is the case for Sam. From the things I know about him, he is quite solitary and really values his space, which seems to be at odds with the "ton of time and attention" thing.

Additionally, since he and Rider are BFFs since forever, we all hang out as a group a TON when we do get to visit each other's cities, so it's not like there's some separation where one or the other of us has to go scampering off into a different life all the time.

And unlike you and Dag, Sam and I have been able to get overnights if we want them—but the few times we've had them, I can tell he's slept poorly. He's a super light sleeper and prefers to sleep alone unless we happen to just pass out together.

But it's true that I've never even seen Sam in a "real relationship," and Rider says he hasn't been with anyone in a serious capacity since 2011-ish. So I don't know. Maybe when he tips over into too-deep-love territory he DOES start wanting more of everything than I have to offer. Maybe the distance grates, or maybe he starts harboring mono-type feelings that make him feel possessive of me and then feels guilty like those feelings are a betrayal of Rider. Maybe...anything.

All I really have to go on is what he has told me and what I have observed.

I know that *I* definitely go into post-Sam withdrawal mode when I've been around him a bunch and then we go back to our respective cities and know that it's going to be months that pass until we see each other again. I miss him deeply, and I nearly crashed my bike the other day because I closed my eyes to better revel in the memory of being in his arms. :rolleyes: I'm ridiculous.

To update, I am feeling a bit better. Wednesday, after my last real update, Sam and I had a pretty normal conversation. So. At least he's serious about remaining my close friend even after a) we broke up; b) I wrote him an attempting-to-be-persuasive letter about how I still want to be his girlfriend; and c) I crafted and then sent him a dorky, lovestruck collage.

And we've been in pretty constant contact since then, IMing back and forth all day for a few days. He was telling me about some life-logistical problems he's been having. I've shared some science- and technology-related posts I knew he'd enjoy but probably hadn't seen since he doesn't Facebook. I feel like...almost like we're starting something instead of ending something. Something slightly different, but good. Closer, in a way, even.

He has not addressed anything to do with our relationship outright, and I am not going to push him because I promised him not to be demanding of a response, but I am growing to be more at peace with that. If this is all that it will be for the next...however many months that it takes for us to see each other again, I can deal with that. And then when I see him in person, I suppose I'll know one way or the other what direction he wants to take things in based on how affectionate he is with me.

It actually really helped in my earlier post when I distilled my attitude into the phrase "ready but not waiting." When I look at it that way, as an openness to him but not attached to a particular outcome, I feel at peace. I feel love for him but the sadness fades.

Writing the song helped, too. Rider wrote the chords for it, and we laid down a rough recording. Rider said it's a simple, classic pop song in a nice pop key—not terrible modern pop, but more like the poppier early Violent Femmes songs. That made me happy.

It also made me happy that one of my partners is willing to collaborate with me on art that mourns and celebrates a connection with another partner. He is made of gold.

I am lucky to have both of them in my life, in whatever capacity they decide they want to be. And if I need to, if I miss it too much, I can still close my eyes and remember what Sam's arms and kisses and surfaces feel like, and call up the way that he smells. Probably not while on a bicycle again, though. ;)
 
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Today is Rider's 40th birthday! We celebrated this past weekend but still have some small stuff planned for tonight.

Friday night, I rode my bike downtown from work, to meet Rider and my new chick friend for drinks. Afterward, I sent Rider on to the next place in a Lyft, but then discovered that it's nearly impossible to ride a bicycle drunk, haha. It started out OK, but it's way too hard to balance when I start to slow down. I fell over three times, which was certainly comical to passers-by.

Saturday was the big party Perry was throwing for Rider, Carrie, and Toby (since their birthdays are all within three days of each other). Therefore I was busy all day prepping. I baked a cheesecake for each of them: carrot ginger for Rider, berry-topped for Carrie, and plain New York style for Toby. Cheesecakes take a long time and are expensive to make! But they turned out worth it.

Our band was debuting at that party too, so we had to show up early and set stuff up: decorations, lights, musical equipment. Rider went to pick up the rental car (since our car won't make it as far as Perry's place), and, hilariously, they were out of the one he'd reserved, so they upgraded him to a BMW convertible that the musical equipment barely fit in. It did fit though.

Oona had told me that Toby had a work party he found out about kind of at the last moment that same night, so their plan was to go to that first, then come to the other party. They ended up not showing up till way late and were fighting because Toby had wanted to stay at his work party instead of coming to our party that was partially for him, and he had expected Oona to acquiesce, but she wasn't having it. He was really shitty about it to her in front of his co-worker, so she was pretty pissed off.

The music part went really well. We got a ton of compliments! A lot of people told me how good I was on the bass, which surprised me. I feel like I'm the weakest link in the chain. But apparently I'm getting a lot better.

And it was fun hanging out with and making better friends with a lot of Perry's friends whom I don't know that well. And people really liked the cakes! We partied well into the night and crashed on Perry's couch.

Sunday morning, we woke up relatively early and loaded all our gear out. We went to a diner where I bought Rider breakfast, then drove over an hour to see a car we were thinking about buying. What a debacle that turned out to be!

I will just say that shady used car salespeople are a cliché for a reason! The car we went to look and test drive at was listed at $9,900—just within our budget after the roughly $1,000 more in taxes and fees I knew I was in for. Well, when these motherfuckers were done tacking stuff on, it was up over $15,000! They tried to tell us that LoJack was not optional, and we needed all this other extra insurance, and yes, we can afford it if we stretch our loan term from 48 months to 60. SO SHADY! Ugh. Nope. We stalked out of there pissed as hell. Back to the drawing board...at least now that Moss talked us into considering automatics, there are more to choose from.

We returned the rental car and Rider wanted to grab a beer, so I bought him a couple. Then we went home and took a nap before FINALLY cleaning the past three weeks' worth of chaos out of our apartment. Cheesecake dishes. Suitcase from travels. Clutter from moving stuff around to accommodate a houseguest. All finally cleaned and put away! I was so exhausted at the end after everything that I was almost too tired for sex. Almost. I was glad we still did it though.

I asked Rider what he wanted to do tonight, and he said have an extended kink session, so that's the plan. We're going to hit a new bar so he can get a picture of getting carded on his 40th (like he did on his 39th), then pick up graze-y snack kind of foods to fuel our sexy evening, then come home and do some cross-dressing and bondage type of stuff. Maybe a bit of strap-on. Mmm.

The main thing I have been dealing with today is that the argument that Oona and Toby had the night of the party actually broke them up the next day. He was being a total dick to her and said that he's not sorry about it, and she dumped him. So I've been kind of hand-holding her over IM all day.

I used to be very much Team Toby, but his recent behavior has been pretty out of line. It's like they were together for about a year and a half and he just started whipping out this really bitchy side of himself when they fight. I, personally, wouldn't tolerate it. I think he's being childish, passive-aggressive, and from what she's told me, it's turning into a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of thing—he's sweet and doting half the time, an a smug, stubborn twat the other half.

I kind of want to commiserate with her about both of us going through breakups right now, but I know her well enough to know that putting my breakup with Sam on par with her breakup with Toby will make her feel insulted, since she and Toby actually live together and my thing with Sam has been a more casual (though longer term) connection. Ah, well.
 
Today is the first chance I've had to write in like a week! And, to be honest, I've been procrastinating about it for a good chunk of the day because I'm feeling lazy and also daunted about how much there is to say.

I suppose I'll just go chronologically...

Monday, I left work a bit early to meet Rider out for birthday drinks. Except...when I got on my bike, my tire was flat! So I ended up having to Lyft home and then dash out to meet Rider and get his picture of getting carded. We had fun. And we did indeed have incredible, kinky marathon sex that evening though. We did all his favorite things: foot stuff, cross-dressing, tying him up, pussy worship, and strap-on sex. He was in heaven. We kind of stayed up too late, but it was worth it.

I also randomly heard from Kristof via IM. He apologized for ghosting on me (which I didn't really care about) and offered to return something of mine that I'd left with him, as well as inquiring whether I'd still be interested in hanging out. I was polite and friendly, but I really don't have time for him. I let him know that he can keep the item if he wants it; it was from the thrift store and does not have particular value to me. It was nice to hear from him, though. I'd assumed I'd offended him with my clear shock at his political views, but it turns out he'd just gotten busy.

Tuesday was a shit day. My ancient car finally gave up the ghost on the way back from a taco run, and Rider had to get out and push to get it rolling again. So no more ancient car. I also had a shit-ton of work to do. I brought my work home, and Rider watched his wrestling shows while I worked next to him on my laptop. I also spent a portion of Tuesday counseling Oona about Toby things and seriously bumming about Sam because it would have been our two-year anniversary. More on all that later...I did send Sam a hug via IM, and he sent one back and said "thanks, I really needed a hug." I wish it could have been a real one.

Wednesday, I had tentative plans to do happy hour with Max, but of course he flaked. He was ingratiatingly apologetic and again promised to make it up to me, stressing how much he really did want to hang out with me. I didn't really care. I have zero emotional investment in hanging out with him. If it ever happens, then it does. And if it never does, well, more time to hang out with Rider. Rider and I ended up spending most of the evening looking for cars online and making a spreadsheet with some possibilities. Rider emailed a bunch of dealerships to set up appointments.

I also learned how to change my back bike-tire tube. Moss had helped me with some research about what tube I needed to buy and gave me some basic pointers. The rest I watched on YouTube. It was a bit complicated but not too bad. At least with a fixed bike I had transportation again and didn't have to Lyft to work like I did that day.

Thursday was band practice. Perry picked us up because of our carlessness, which was very sweet of him. We wrote a new song that I really like.

Friday was interesting. I originally planned to be lazy because I'd been suffering from a dearth of downtime. But Oona wanted to go out, which is super rare for her on a Friday due to having MMA classes early Saturday; I guess they'd been canceled this weekend. AND she and Toby had been hashing things out all week trying to get back together in a way that worked for them, so she wanted to blow off some steam and then for us all to meet up with Toby later when he got done with some work stuff. Rider was at Downtown Bar for happy hour. So I plotted to ride my bike there and meet him, and also Oona, who would be arriving by train .

So, I think I neglected to mention that last Friday when Rider and I had been at that bar, I'd kissed the bartender, Cayo, after he was off his shift. I'd befriended him a few weeks ago, that night that Max had stood me up, and Rider already knew and liked him. Rider knew we were flirting, and Cayo knows about and is cool with the poly thing, so it was all good. It was just one kiss that night, and we'd texted a bit after. No biggie.

Anyway, so THIS past Friday, Cayo was giving us all (me, Rider, and Oona) free drinks, and we were having a lot of fun. Oona invited Rider and me to a movie premiere in a few weeks, and I wanted to go, but I haven't seen the other content in the franchise, so I kind of felt like...an impostor?...if I went. I wanted to make sure I could catch up before agreeing to go. I suddenly remembered that Beckett is an expert—indeed, somewhat of a nerd—in that area. So I texted him to pick his brain, while Oona and Rider socialized.

Beckett was indeed a wealth of information. I was happy I'd asked him. As I was gearing up to sign off, I thanked him and tossed him a bit of friend-grade sentiment: "Thanks for the info. I miss hanging out with you." That's the friend version, right?

Well, he upped the ante! He replied, "I miss you. I want to sneak out to Cali but life has me tied up at the moment." Oh, Beckett! He's the one in a mono relationship (that he dumped me for), and yet HE is the one upping the flirtation level! And of course I got all squee. Because it's Beckett, and he forever has that effect on me. After that, I went back to attending to my present company.

Rider, Oona, and I had a lot of fun chatting together. I made another cute chick friend, and I flirted with Cayo some more. When Cayo was off of work, he wanted to come with us back to our neighborhood where we were meeting Toby. I kissed Cayo a bunch more. He's a really good kisser! I suppose I should introduce him here.

He's 45 (but looks younger), cute, tattooed, and Mexican. He has adorable curly hair that is usually pomaded till it looks straight. He's small—short for a guy and thin, which I generally like. He's also a singer and guitarist in a punk band. He's cocky by nature, but has a generous heart, and a sense of chivalry I had thought to be incredibly out-dated (doesn't like to let women buy men drinks, for example) but kind of cute, all the same.

Anyway, he ended up hanging out with us all night. He and Rider were buddied up at the last bar we went to while I was talking to Oona—zero awkwardness there. The three of us grabbed a late-night diner meal together after Oona and Toby split, and Cayo ended up staying over on the futon. I slipped out of bed before anyone else was awake and crawled in to give Cayo a cuddle, figuring he'd like it. And he did. We had some over-the-clothes and under-the-shirt groping before I realized the time and had to get moving. Rider said he'd figured that was happening and had purposefully not come out of the bedroom in order to give us some space.

I don't LIKE-like him—i.e., there is not enough romantic energy there that I'd want to date him, if he were even into the idea—but a friends-with-(possibly-lite)benefits situation seems to be evolving. I'm on the fence about full-on PIV sex because an older, cute, band-leading bartender at a popular bar seems like a higher risk factor for skin-to-skin STIs that, as of yet, I don't seem to have. If I were super into him, that might be another story, but really, so far, I just like kissing him and being close to him and being his friend. Running my fingers through his dark, curly hair in the morning was kind of amazing.

After Cayo left, Rider and I grabbed breakfast and went to pick up the rental car. We had appointments to go test drive cars, but the first one we tested we ended up buying, so we canceled the others. It feels so adult to own a car not only from this millennium, but this very decade! :p

We ended up driving it up into the mountains and down the coast to shoot some good pictures of it before it gets dirty. I'm not much for washing cars, and it seems almost unconscionable in this drought. Beckett was very interactive on all of our threads on social media about the car. I wonder what is going on with him that he is suddenly so interested in me again.

This morning we returned the rental car. I talked to Oona for a bit. She and Toby have managed to work things out and are still together. I really hope he's done being a jerk. Cayo mentioned not liking him. He said he really liked Oona but that "her friend was standoffish." I didn't speak to Toby much that night, so I don't know. I assured Cayo that he is capable of being a nice guy, but he might have been going through some stuff that night. Turns out I was right and there was Oona/Toby drama. But they did clear it up yesterday.

Perry has invited Rider and me to a BBQ tonight, but I don't think I want to go. I'm pretty burnt out and lazy today. Oona also invited me over, but ditto. And Max wanted to know what I'm doing, but I told him let's touch base about a day during the week instead. I think I just want to have sex with Rider and binge-watch some TV or films.

Also, HOLY FUCK, do I ever miss the hell out of Sam. I had hoped it would get better, but it has not. The heartbreak portion of it is dying down—the part that makes me cry and shake my fist at the sky—but the visceral ache of wishing he were nearer is only increasing. And remembering being sexual with him still lights me on fire. I was idly browsing plane tickets today, knowing that I can't afford them, just so I could more deeply entertain the fantasy of burying my face in his chest. I feel that ache in all of me, down to my wrists, even. It's so weird. I love him. I want him. I cannot have him. But I am thankful for what I do have. When I start to feel wistful about what I don't have, I redirect my attention to what I do have. Most of the time, it works.
 
So this happened in an IM with Sam...

Me: I wish I could see you again soon. I think we're coming to Florida right before Thanksgiving. Would you possibly be down to meet us in Former City?

Sam: Sure thing, unless I've escaped by then. :cool:

:eek: :D :eek: :D

I really didn't realize that his timeline for heading West was that short. Like, I had kinda-sorta hoped it, but I really didn't believe it was possible. But he seems to think it is.

Chest-flutters! I know, we're not back together. But I feel like the closer geographically that we are, and the sooner, the better the chances of that happening.

<3 <3 <3
 
Two more IM conversations. One with Sam making me super hopeful, the other with Max being...typical Max, I guess.

1) I was chatting lightly with Sam about all kinds of things, and suddenly I felt uneasy about whether he'd even gotten my heart-baring letter after our breakup. Because he'd never addressed it outright. I was determined not to push him for a response, but I did at least want to know whether he'd gotten it.

Me: Did you read my letter from weeks ago? You don't have to say anything about it but I suddenly found myself worried that it got lost in the internet.

Sam: I did, I'm sorry for the lacking. Thank you, it was powerful. I don't always have the right things to say at the right time... that's what emoticons are for I suppose.

Me: I do the same thing. I just send you cat emoticons now instead of whatever else I want to say half the time. >^.^<
Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it. I get so nervous sometimes.
I am a giant dork, basically.

I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED. He read it. And had positive response to it. So...who knows what is going to happen, but SQUEEEEE!

2) Max contacted me first, wanting to know when I was free. And then things took a turn for the typical.

Max: Hey are you free today or tomorrow

Me: Tomorrow!

Max: Awesome so am I. What do you wanna do?

Me: Happy hour?

Max: Sure, where?

Me: My neighborhood. [Named a bar]...or if you have a favorite place in that area?

Max: Hm. I just remembered I have to get my ID back from my friend. You wanna just hang out at my work downtown instead. I know you hate it, but... I have to pick up my check tomorrow anyway.

Me: Oh, I don't hate it. But I am not going to go downtown until you come to my neighborhood first. :p

Max: Haha okay let me try to get my ID. I'll hit him up right now.

Oh, Max. He's the most roiling pot of chaos. :rolleyes:
 
More hilarity from Max:

Max: My friend still hasn't responded about my ID

Me: Bummer. 😞

Max: Looks like you just have to come to my work after all

Me: You underestimate the strength of my promises to myself. 😉

Max: Hahaha

Me: I'll tell you what. You make it over here, I'll buy a bottle of something and we can make walktails and catch a ride to the park and walk around. That way you don't need your ID.

Max: Ride?

Me: Get Rider to take us maybe, or I can call a Lyft. Not expensive.

Max: Oh, okay. I thought you meant bikes. I'm not athletic. Haha

When I told Rider about this exchange and asked him if he'd be willing to give us a ride, he gave me the side-eye and told me I'm giving this guy too many chances, so I must really like him. I tried to explain: it's not even that I like Max that much, it's that I find his chaos and constant excuses highly entertaining. If it were that I liked him a lot, I'd probably be stressed out, anxious, disappointed—something!—when he cancels all the time. I used to tie my brain in knots of stress when I though Beckett might flake.

In this case, since I am conducting things on my own terms with Max, mildly interested but not invested, I am just amused by the pattern of bizarre flaking. And if, on the off chance, he actually comes through? Well, then, I guess I will hang out with him and bask in his beauty. For me, it's a win-win: either way, I am entertained. And when my plans fall through, I just have more free time, which will never, ever frustrate me.

Rider said he planned to be drinking tonight, so he would not be available to give us a ride. Which is fine. It's a super-cheap Lyft. But then he laughed sardonically and said, "It's not like he's going to show up anyway. I don't even know why we are talking about this right now." I wish he could find the same level of amusement I do in the whole thing. :cool:
 
Yesterday, I just sold my old clunker car via Craigslist for $480. Which was $80 more than the scrap guys were gonna give me for it. :p I was a little sad to see it go, since it brought us all the way across the country, but selling it frees up a parking space in our neighborhood!

Yesterday afternoon, Rider explained a little more to me about his weirdness about Max. He said, "Forgive me if I don't find his chaos entertaining. I do think it's funny, but if there's a chance that he might become some sort of thing in your life, and that he might bleed his stupid chaos into our lives, I might not be too happy about that. Does that make any sense? From an outsider's perspective, it just seems like not much good can come of it."

And I told him that of course I understand that. I said, "I do understand that feeling of not wanting the chaos to bleed over. I can remember how pissed I was when Claire's alarm problem made me almost late for work in Orlando. I remember feeling like just because HER life is a mess shouldn't mean that MINE must be too, by distant association.

I did end up seeing Max last night. I'll write about that later...not to leave a cliffhanger, but I'm too busy to go into it, lol.
 
OK, so Max…there is definitely zero romantic potential there, and I am not sure there is even sexual potential. There’s no denying that he’s cute—he looks like if a young Benicio Del Toro had a baby with Gael García Bernal—but his personality left a few things to be desired.

The biggest of his flaws was that he was clearly doing that young-guy posturing of trying to be so very bad and mysterious to impress me, perhaps because I look “alternative.” I refrained from rolling my eyes out of politeness, but he was grating my nerves with his tales of rebellion.

Later on in the night, we ended up getting into a conversation about how a lot of people will put on an act, pretending to be what they want to be seen as, instead of just being who they actually are. I explained that, for me, I’ve realized that the closer those two things are, the happier I am. I said that, ideally, you can just be yourself in any social situation—be the best YOU you can be, but don’t try to be something else—and you’ll attract the people who will like you for you and repel the ones who won’t.

He looked at me like he’d never thought of that before in his life, and said, “That makes a lot of sense.” And then he peered at me even more closely and said, “I think I could probably learn a lot from you.”

Be that as it may, I am quite certain that I am not going to have the space in my life to teach him. I am too busy to take on a pupil at this time! :p

We discussed poly a bit because I’d decided (and had told Rider) that I would kiss him if he genuinely seemed to be poly-friendly. You may remember that he was uncertain about the whole thing when I’d first met him.

He told me that he didn’t know the term, but that he’d tried to suggest something like that with an ex, and she’d broken up with him over it. He said it seems like it makes sense and is maybe how people should be if they could learn to relax. He seemed genuine enough about it, though new to the idea, so I did kiss him some. He was an OK kisser.

After we kissed for a bit, he seemed breathless, and he recalled our conversation from earlier in the evening. “You know how you were talking about just being yourself around people?” he asked. “I feel like I can be that way with you.” I thought that was very sweet. And it’s true that he’d been dropping some of the façade as the evening had worn on. For a moment, my opinion of him increased a notch.

But then he wanted to follow that up with having sex in the bar bathroom. Um, no. :rolleyes:

Overall, I was just…kinda bored? And I’m almost never bored. I like eye candy as much as the next person, but not enough to sacrifice much more of my super-precious time. And, like, hooking up in a bar bathroom is not how I generally like my first hangouts to end. At least invite me back to your place or something, jeez. I think I literally laughed out loud when I realized what he was suggesting.

I dunno. Probably neither of us is willing to put forth the effort to hang out much more. I can tell he likes me, but he’s crap about making plans. If I ever find myself without something to do (hahaha) and a desire to play teacher to a pretty student, I might chase him a bit on a whim. Seems likelier that that story just ends there.

In more exciting news, I have been continuing to get little tidbits of information from Sam regarding his plans. He said he’s going to try to buy an RV and be mobile for a while (he’d been tossing that idea around for a while, but has settled on it being his best bet) and bring his kitties with him.

Wednesday night, Rider and I went to visit Oona, and we ended up getting into a conversation about martial arts, which she and Sam both do, and I’d messaged him saying how much he’d enjoy the conversation and how much we missed him. He replied that he misses us too and that he’s actively planning his escape. So wheels are rolling. Hopefully soon to be literally.

Tonight, Rider and I are just going to work on our original songs. Tomorrow we are going to that fancy movie with Oona and Toby. And I think Sunday we’re going to the art museum to see a cool exhibit that’s leaving town soon. In between that, I think it’ll just be downtime and copious amounts of sex. At least, I hope it will be. We’re running at a bit of a sex deficit, what with being so busy all the time lately.

Last night we were supposed to have sex after we finished watching a movie on the couch, but Rider fell asleep, and then I fell asleep, and then I woke up and tried to wake him up to go have sex, but he fell asleep again, so I went to sleep again too. When, finally, in the middle of the night, I prodded him to move to the bed, he asked me if I wanted to, and at that point, I was too tired.

He then told me he felt bad that we haven’t been having that much sex lately. I said we’ve been constantly busy and usually tired, and it’s OK to go through phases where other things (like sleep) take priority for a bit. He stressed to me that it’s not that he doesn’t still desire me, which was sweet. I knew it wasn’t that. I never worry about that. I see the way he looks at me every time I undress, and there’s no doubt in my mind of his desire for me.

And I still desire him a lot too! I still get those flutters and jolts of sexual lightning with him. It’s just that…when there’s only a five-and-a-half-hour window between getting home from work and needing to go to sleep…and pets need to be fed and human food needs to be figured out…and then there is post-dinner food coma… when all that is over, it’s late and neither of us have much energy. We’re at odds a lot lately, because I feel more sexual energy earlier in the evening, but there’s stuff to do and Rider tends to fall asleep after sex…but then at the end of the day, when it makes sense for him to have his orgasm and then sleep, I’m too beat to get into it as much as I’d like.

Work has just been insane. I have been slave-driving myself and barely able to blog. I’ve been working usually at least a half-hour late, if not an hour or hour and a half. Speaking of, my break is almost over and I should get back to it soon. But! One piece of good news is that the books I wrote are getting translated into Spanish. Which means more royalties for me with zero extra work.
 
Oh man, I can soooo sympathize with you on the wanting sex at different times thing! Sudo doesn't even wake up for work until 8am.... where as my alarm goes off between 6-6:30 depending on the day and I'm getting to the office at 8am. So he always wants to stay up until 12-1am and I'm getting sleepy on the couch around 11-11:30. So when I stay up with him, he's wanting sex when I'm a zombie, but he doesn't really seem to even consider that hey, we can have sex at like 6 or 7 pm after work... it doesn't have to be something that just happens right before you go to bed or right after you wake up when you're already naked! It's out ongoing struggle but generally just means I'm saying "ok, time to go to bed" earlier than when he wants to, at which point I get a look... and then I'm saying "Sudo... we're not actually going to bed, you still don't have to fall asleep until later. Now get your butt to the bedroom and get those clothes off!!" LOL.
 
Oh man, I can soooo sympathize with you on the wanting sex at different times thing! Sudo doesn't even wake up for work until 8am.... where as my alarm goes off between 6-6:30 depending on the day and I'm getting to the office at 8am. So he always wants to stay up until 12-1am and I'm getting sleepy on the couch around 11-11:30. So when I stay up with him, he's wanting sex when I'm a zombie, but he doesn't really seem to even consider that hey, we can have sex at like 6 or 7 pm after work... it doesn't have to be something that just happens right before you go to bed or right after you wake up when you're already naked! It's out ongoing struggle but generally just means I'm saying "ok, time to go to bed" earlier than when he wants to, at which point I get a look... and then I'm saying "Sudo... we're not actually going to bed, you still don't have to fall asleep until later. Now get your butt to the bedroom and get those clothes off!!" LOL.

Yeah, we actually don't wake up until 7:50 either, but I am one of those freakish beings that needs—and I mean needs—a full eight hours of sleep at least most nights out of the week. Especially when I have to get up in the morning instead of at noon, being naturally nocturnal. Whereas Rider swears he only really needs six and a half or seven hours (and yet, hmmm, who is the one always falling asleep on the couch when we watch something... :rolleyes:). If I try to squeak by on seven for enough nights in a row, my body will just refuse to wake up one morning, and I'll have to call in late for work.

I totally do the same thing as you most nights: start the rallying cry for bed around 11:15 or 11:30 to make sure we have time for at least basic sex before my mandatory 11:50 eyeballs-closed time.
 
I don't know _how_ society has managed to drill into our heads that sex is a thing that happens "last thing before sleep", but it does suck! I was actually thinking about this last night - TheKnight was surprised that TheArtist and I end up with as much TV/movie time as we do, as I rarely want to watch stuff with TheKnight, and I realized that part of that is that I get dragged off to bed (sometimes literally! :D) early in the evening with TheArtist, and then sometime later we'll get back up and watch something. On the other hand, TheKnight often ends up watching stuff or we putter around online or or or... and then it's 11:30 and we're exhausted and at best we have half-hearted sex. I try to short circuit that by not watching stuff with him, but...
 
Yep. Doesn't Dan Savage say something about this?

I know it was a problem in my marriage (but one of like a million huge problems) and it was a problem (in my opinion) with the quad, we'd be hanging around and hanging around...eating, talking, watching TV, etc etc etc and eventually I'd just get tired and zonk out. I know that Fire keeps odd hours and Hefe would be up late, and we'd all just be sitting around as though waiting to see if someone would initiate, but no one did.

Analyst...well. He barely seemed to want sex at all, past the beginning of our relationship. He'd say he did. But then...hang out, watch TV, talk, and go to sleep. Maybe a quickie in the morning.

Compare to Zen. "Make Hay While The Sun Shines" Zen and our Fridays where in fact rain or shine sex is nearly 100% certain to happen in some fashion or another. We are like the best example I can think of, of two adults who are bound and determined to get it on. I can think of a couple of things that would make most people simply not even try...but don't deter us in the slightest.

And seriously, fun and frequent sex play really makes me feel more bonded to my partner. I could never sustain a (Edit) LDR (accidentally said LTR, whoops, dumb!) and feel like it was meaningful.

So having good habits for that, is important.

Oh but dude, suggesting sex in a bar bathroom? Or like any public bathroom? ...no thanks... I'd pass on that guy, cute or not.
 
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I actually had a talk with Rider about this stuff after I got home because it was on my mind after blogging about it. He said he'd TOTALLY be down to have sex around 6:00 or 7:00 before we have dinner, that he just needs to tell himself not to fall asleep right after. So that was good. I will probably not try to put it into action today because I have a business dinner at 7:45 and am already dressed up for it. But maybe tomorrow!

We had a fantastic weekend, actually. After we had that conversation, we were inspired to have sex, and then the rest of the night we were lazy and stayed in drinking wine and playing music. Rider had brought me flowers and we had a romantic dinner of little nibbles: cheese, olive bread, crackers, and fruit.

Saturday we thrifted so I could find something to wear to the movie premiere, and I did very well, grabbing a blue sequined Express dress, a nice shiny bronze Anne Klein purse, and a pair of super-comfy Aerosoles sandals that matched the purse perfectly—all for $16 total! Then we went out for sushi happy hour and walked around for a bit since we had time to kill before we had to get ready. The sky looked crazy with all the smoke from the wildfire north of the city. The sun was hot pink!

We had a splendid time at the premiere. The movie totally made me cry. There was free food, wine, popcorn, and candy, and Toby gave us a tour of the movie lot on a golf cart. I enjoyed seeing all the fake building exteriors, even though I didn't recognize them the way that Oona and Rider did. I have terrible pop culture knowledge, lol. The entire thing made me feel super fancy. After we got back, I was exhausted. I stripped out of my fancy dress and fell asleep on the couch.

Sunday for some reason we both woke up really early and so had morning sex (which I'm not usually into but this time it worked). We had plans to go to the Mapplethorpe exhibit at the museum, since it is supposed to leave after next weekend. We had a tasty breakfast at a little café near the museum beforehand. The exhibit was great!

I've loved Mapplethorpe ever since my photography teacher put him on a list of photographers to write a report about in freshman year of high school. At 14, I was both a bit shocked by his work and also very impressed that my teacher was clearly treating us as adult enough to be able to handle it—it was probably the first time an adult had given me the benefit of the doubt to be adult enough to handle "adult content" in art. Rider had also independently come to love his work, so it made sense that we would go together. Just another one of those random things we have in common.

After the exhibit, we ducked into a super-divey Irish pub, then went shopping for meal ingredients. Rider had a wrestling show to watch, and I promised him I'd make fancy bourbon cocktails and buffalo fake-chicken nuggets and also try my hand at cooking elotes (Mexican street corn that Rider is obsessed with at the moment) for the first time. It all turned out fantastic. I am a pretty decent cook, if I do say so myself.

Once our dinner had settled, we went into the bedroom for the sexathon we'd been planning for days. There was some cross-dressing, some bondage, some tying of balls with rope, and, upon Rider's special request, some scalpel play. We do that pretty rarely because it's so extreme, and we hadn't done it since moving here. We were in the bedroom by 9:30 and asleep by 11:15, so it was a pretty good session.

One aside from this weekend was the Beckett-Facebook revelation. So, you may remember that a main factor in why he broke up with me was that he wanted to go be mono with an ex of his from a long time ago. You may also remember that I was skeptical of the situation because she was a known not-clean-that-long heroin addict. Well...

So after Rider and I finished having sex, I was lazing about and flicking through Facebook on my phone while Rider played some guitar. Suddenly I see a post from Beckett that said, and I quote: "her: I don't know why my skin is breaking out...me: Stop shooting heroin." :eek:

It seemed obvious that he must be talking about her, but I wasn't 100% sure, so I clicked through to his page, and, sure enough, he no longer had a relationship status and had deleted her from his friends. Well, then, I guess that explains why he was flirting with me last week. That (relation)ship was going down in flames.

On the one hand, I feel really bad for him. I've been in love with an addict (meth) before, though long ago and when I was kind of too young to know better. I care about him and don't want to see him hurting.

On the other hand, I am definitely having some of that "well what did you THINK was going to happen?!" reaction. Not showing it to him, of course, but thinking it. I know people have to learn things the hard way—I did too!—but it seems such a shame.

I'm also luridly curious about what happened, because it's not only him who is no longer friends with her; it's pretty much every friend she and I had in common except Shana and two people I barely know. She must have fucked up big. It's none of my business, though, so despite my curiosity, I am staying out of it!

In unrelated news, tomorrow I am finally going to meet up with a person from OKC who I've been online friends with for months and months, and who lives in my neighborhood. It's slated to be a just-friends thing, and Rider was invited along too, but he doesn't feel like potentially "wasting" an evening on someone he doesn't already know is cool. He said I can report back and if the guy is cool, then he's willing to hang out next time.

I haven't heard from Sam in a couple days. I messaged him this morning asking him how his weekend went, but he has not yet replied. I still miss him a TON and can't wait to hear something back. I keep dreaming about him, over and over again.
 
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