Nobody's Fool

I have a therapist I saw for a few years in my twenties and who I started seeing again the year I turned 40. In between those two times of seeing him, I changed my life a lot! I left the Mormon church (along with my husband and two kids) and we opened up our marriage after 17 years of monogamy.

Before my first visit the second time I saw him, I told him about being poly so that he could decide if it was something that he could accept as being part of my life, because, while I wasn't doing couples therapy, poly tends to influence all parts of your life and if he was going to be uncomfortable with me talking about it at all, I wanted to know up front so we both wouldn't waste our time.

Thankfully, he is one of the least judgmental people I've met (when I saw him while I was still Mormon, I never felt judged, even when I'd tell him some stuff that seems wacky to me now. He isn't Mormon but he did a beautiful job of not judging me for believing the things I did). The same thing happened with the whole poly thing, he's staunchly monogamous but I never felt judged for being poly. He did research about poly on his own time so he could help me better, instead of me having to spend a lot of time explaining everything to him.

My point is that even if a therapist isn't necessarily poly friendly, as long as they aren't judgmental, they can still be a great help. It's really unfortunate that the therapist you were assigned is so wrapped up in her own version of the world that she feels the need to label anything that varies from her definition of normal as deviant and pathological.

I do hope that you report your experience to the management of the clinic she practices through. Not as a way of punishing her or something, but so that they know that she doesn't deal well with clients who deviate from normal, so that they know not to assign her those clients. it could be damaging to someone who is already in a really bad place to go to someone they are hoping will be able to help them and instead feel rejected and judged (as opposed to you being mostly happy but wanting some help with the harder parts of your new choices). I could see that pushing an unstable person even closer to the edge. That's the reason I think you should make sure and report it.

Yes, discussing poly with people who don't understand is tough. When my husband and I started therapy and the first things they asked were what is polyamory and what does asexual mean, I knew I was doomed at having any understanding. I did find a personal therapist for me that was poly and ACE friendly. Still sucks that my therapist and my husband have no full understanding of where I'm coming from. Its a bit lonely. :(
 
I know what you mean, WanderingINTJ. When I was first entering therapy I was incredibly blessed to be partnered with a psychologist who specialized in phobias and anxiety in young adults (<25 years). They really seemed to "get" me, and sometimes seemed to be able to read my mind! Certainly they were able to read my heart and fears. They in turn referred me to a wonderful weekly support group. It actually took me three tries to get in the doors. The first session I got off the bus, stood there and looked at the building, then immediately caught the next bus; the second I walked up and opened the door then left; the third time I actually walked into the room. That group in particular really helped me feel like I wasn't the only one to have these issues. Often someone in the group would express something that I'd been struggling to find words for, and I'd use them at my next therapy session! I even made a few friends, something I was sorely lacking, and we still go for lunch a few times a year. It was also good that everyone there had fear-issues: they all understood why the first few times I was sweaty and quietly hyperventilating in the corner, and let me do my thing until I was comfortable enough to participate.

I'm sorry you are feeling isolated; it is not a pleasant experience at all. Maybe there is a group in your area that could offer in-person support? I only suggest because even though the first few times were super crazy hard to get through, they helped me a ton. Not everyone is into those kinds of things, though.
 
My poly friend asked me recently if I had to deal with "couples privilege" with Jaeger and Tails. I had to say that I didn't really know, but probably. I mean, one of the things that makes privilege privilege is that it's a systemic problem, right? Thus, to my thinking, it's going to come up eventually.

I recently read a well-written article on morethantwo.com on polyamory and couples privilege. The author even helpfully includes a list of a few systemic and internalized examples. However, I wonder: can you just refuse to accept it? There was one part that really surprised me: couples deciding together how a third relationship would run. That seems unfathomable to me. Why would you even want to?

In my current group, there are three relationships and three human beings with different needs and wants and histories. While the relationships are not all equal in my view, the human aspect is. What kind of birth control we use? Yeah, I'll have an opinion on that: especially since it's not like either of them are likely to get preggers, or have to deal with the hormone fluxes, side effects, etc, of the most common forms. However, they get a say as well: Tails is allergic to latex which limits certain options. How much time does each person get from each other person? Yep, I have an opinion and I also have needs that need to be met, regardless of what they feel their prior relationship requires to thrive. Seeing extra-triad partners? I want to ensure that I am heard and supported as I feel I need to be, and know what to expect with the people I am dating and how to support them the way they need.

Participation in decisions and in the relationships themselves isn't something that Jaeger and Tails magnanimously allow me to have: it is something I demand. In this instance, I refuse to allow privilege to apply. I can barely imagine a circumstance where Jaeger and Tails would expect that they would make unilateral decisions about our relationships without me. I'm not even grateful about that; there is nothing to be grateful for. That is just how things should be, in my view.

I know there are many other ways that couple's privilege can crop up, and we'll likely have to deal with those those as they occur. This one, somehow, just got to me. It seems so unfair! Even though it's not an issue I am dealing with at the moment, the idea of someone dictating to another upsets me.

More thought on this subject is required!


Unrelated note:
Oh! I got my package today! Aaaaand...It was a giant box of woodworking tools! Best. Gift. Everrrr. I'd been talking about taking woodworking classes- specifically, carving- but I'd been procrastinating. Jaeger had found the tools on an Amazon search, and showed Tails and the two decided to get them for me! I love sculpture, but I usually work in clay or polymer clay, and Jaeger thought that if they got me the tools I'd definitely use them... and I will! It was really a joint gift: Jaeger found the tools, and Tails was the one who'd thought to torture me with the Mystery Box Delivery. Those sweet, sweet, evil guys. Honestly, I'd been a little concerned Tails was sending me a giant box of sex toys. This was much better!
 
Its a small town that in the bigger picture is pretty traditional. Very minimal hope of finding in person support. But my video conference therapist does well, and she lives in my old town which is only 2 hours away, so I don't feel to distant.

I know what you mean, WanderingINTJ. When I was first entering therapy I was incredibly blessed to be partnered with a psychologist who specialized in phobias and anxiety in young adults (<25 years). They really seemed to "get" me, and sometimes seemed to be able to read my mind! Certainly they were able to read my heart and fears. They in turn referred me to a wonderful weekly support group. It actually took me three tries to get in the doors. The first session I got off the bus, stood there and looked at the building, then immediately caught the next bus; the second I walked up and opened the door then left; the third time I actually walked into the room. That group in particular really helped me feel like I wasn't the only one to have these issues. Often someone in the group would express something that I'd been struggling to find words for, and I'd use them at my next therapy session! I even made a few friends, something I was sorely lacking, and we still go for lunch a few times a year. It was also good that everyone there had fear-issues: they all understood why the first few times I was sweaty and quietly hyperventilating in the corner, and let me do my thing until I was comfortable enough to participate.

I'm sorry you are feeling isolated; it is not a pleasant experience at all. Maybe there is a group in your area that could offer in-person support? I only suggest because even though the first few times were super crazy hard to get through, they helped me a ton. Not everyone is into those kinds of things, though.
 
Its a small town that in the bigger picture is pretty traditional. Very minimal hope of finding in person support. But my video conference therapist does well, and she lives in my old town which is only 2 hours away, so I don't feel to distant.

I'm glad you found someone! I didn't even know video conference therapy was a thing: that's amazing. When I was dealing with my agoraphobia and couldn't leave the house, I had a psychologist come to the me which was crazy expensive. A video conference would have been a great option.

I definitely know what you mean about small towns: I'm not sure I'd have the guts to date two guys at once if I still lived where I grew up. Someone there once burned down a restaurant because the new owner was gay. I haven't been back there since my family moved, but I don't imagine it's any different now than it was a decade ago.
 
I spent last night at the guy's house. I think this has been the longest I've gone without seeing either since this triady-thing started. It was nice to have time on my own, but I was missing them pretty fiercely by Saturday. As we'd expected, when I got to their place last night the evening basically turned into an epic sexytimes marathon. It was awesome.

This morning, we woke up and Tails bounced out of bed to get us breakfast while Jaeger and I kept lounging. I heard Tails clattering about and singing, so I figured I'd get up and help him make pancakes or whatever he was planning. I made a move to get out of bed in one fell swoop... and all my muscles seized up and I fell face first on the floor beside the bed. It was like my entire body just shouted "NO!" and gave up. So I was groaning on the floor with my cheek shoved into the hardwood, and out the corner of my eye I could see Jaeger's face over the side of the bed. He had one eyebrow said (he is really good at that) and asked me "Did you think that would be more comfortable than the bed, love?"

My entire body was shouting at me for the various acrobatics of the previous night, and I had a cramp in both my legs, and also possibly now had a concussion on top of muscle strains... and all I could think was that he called me "love". We've never used that word before (well, not me-and-Jaeger or me-and-Tails, anyways). I've never used it with a romantic or sexual partner, and when I think that word might come into play soon is usually when I decide it's a good time to bolt.

So I'm on the floor, basically unable to get up, and he has his head resting on his crossed arms observing me like I'm a bug stuck on a stick. I just kind of lie there, analyzing the situation. Eventually he sighs and gets out of bed and helps me creak to my feet. We walk (well, I limp) towards the kitchen. I'm trying to think really fast because I don't want to read too much into it if it didn't mean anything, and I really don't know what to do if he did mean it. We're almost in the kitchen and I look up at him, and he's looking down at me with this funny expression on his face, like he was in pain or maybe going to be sick. It wasn't a very good expression. He says, "It's true, you know. I do love you." And I'm just staring at him with my mouth open and my knees all shaky. I'm definitely starting to panic.

However, Tail's voiced drifts from the kitchen. He was softly singing "FeatherFool and Jaeger, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G..." and Jaeger and I start laughing like loons, and I don't really feel like panicking anymore. I still haven't said "I love you" to either yet. The idea terrifies me, if I'm honest. I think Jaeger and I, at least, will have to talk about it at some point. Tails more or less told me he loved me on our third date so I've already had the Love Talk with him. I think Jaeger is more like me: we are both slow to admit love.

We watched the Force Awakens while we ate waffles, and I made sure that I got to snuggle with Jaeger. Just because I can't say the words yet doesn't make them untrue, after all.
 
I've been hella busy lately, in the best of ways. I was invited to do an art show in September for a prestigious local gallery, since one of their artists flaked on them. He just kind of upped and disappeared (hope he's not dead, really) and they cancelled his show. It's pretty last minute: the previous show I did I had nearly 18 months to prepare, especially since all my work is currently sold out! I may end up freeing some of my private pieces for sale, or some artist's proofs, or some such thing, because I can't see how I will have the time to finish like 15+ pieces of art by September. I tend to keep my favourite pieces for a few years anyways, until I create something I like better. Maybe we can do a kind of "Artist's Private Collection Sale" or something.

So, anywho, I'm going nuts trying to sketch out some kind of theme, ideas, blah blah blah. I have a backlog of ideas for sure, but I don't have the luxury of time, so I'm trying to organize them from takes-the-longest-time to takes-the-shortest-time. However, the Muse is biting my butt right now on unrelated pieces. Sometimes creating art is like riding two half-trained horses at the same time! I also have several commission pieces, thanks to additional advertisement from my new gallery. Gah! Everything is happening at once!

Tails is laughing at me as I type, and wants me to say that lately I am also constantly covered in paint. Apparently I have blue on one ear that I missed when I washed up to head over to their place this afternoon. I am not a well-controlled artist. I'm lucky it's just my ear.

I am also spending a lot of time with my younger sister and her brand brand new baby girl. Her husband is unexpectedly out of town for two weeks, Baby Girl is only about two weeks old, and my sister isn't fully recovered from spawning yet. I've been mostly staying at her place to help her out and make sure she gets some sleep, walk the dogs, etc. I have a straight-up horror of pregnancy and birth, but I like babies. You know, until they are mobile and start having opinions that they can't yet verbalize. I like them in the potato stage. All they do is eat, poop, and sleep, and they stay where you put them. Once they are mobile I'd rather have nothing to do with them until they can talk like reasonable adults. Baby Girl is pretty sweet right now, though, and is much better behaved than my older sister's two were. Don't get me wrong, I love The Original Two, but they were monsters from the get-go.

Today my mom is over there and I have the afternoon off, and so does Tails, so we're hanging out and watching terrible monster movies. My favourite!
 
It is pretty exciting! I'm ruminating on a few ideas I quite like. I tend to puzzle and puzzle over my works until I have them just right in my mind, then frantically pour them out onto canvas over a weekend's work (sometimes, less) lol

It's been kind of a bummer of a week. My sister ended up getting pretty sick and spent a few days in hospital, so I was on 24-hour baby care. Unfortunately, Baby Girl got sick too! My brother-in-law just got home last night, (he was delayed due to some work issues) so I'm freaking exhausted. My poor sister is home now, too, but she is pretty out of it with the meds and the sickness, etc. I thank all medical researchers for modern medicine! I think Baby Girl is feeling a bit better, at least, with the meds we picked up earlier this week. Thankfully my sister is something of a dairy cow and has about two weeks of breastmilk stored up in the freezer already. Additionally, if she runs out, a close family friend had a baby boy two days after my sister and she said she could donate some if it comes to it. So, they don't have to worry about what to feed Baby Girl while my sister is on her medications which is at least one thing off their plate.

Don't get me wrong, I like babies just fine, and I love my nieces and nephews a great deal more than the average spawn, but... baby-rearing is not something I really have any intention of doing. Over two weeks of playing Single Mom really hasn't changed my mind!

Not only was this happening, but I've been having some health issues the last little while myself. I ended up hauling Baby Girl to my own doctors appointments, as well at to hers, and to see her mom, etc. Apparently my specialist wants me to go on this incredibly restrictive diet to see if that helps, since none of the tests they've done have come up with anything conclusive. So, starting Monday, for 45 days I cannot eat:

- gluten
- soy, tree nuts, legumes, lentils
- canola oil, sesame oil, safflower oil, margerine, butter, etc
- citrus, bananas
- citric acid, vinegars of any kind
- broccoli, cauliflower, mustard, and similar
- potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, and other nightshade vegetables
- mushrooms
- eggs, chicken, turkey, beef, pork and products
- cows' milk and products
- condiments of any sort other than certain fresh or dried herbs
- canned foods, dried fruits
- any sugars or artificial sweeteners, honey

This list, by the way, makes up about 95% of my current diet! Oh man.

Current meal plan for this coming week:
- cream of quinoa
- smoothies
- stewed fruit, toasted oats, and coconut milk or goats milk
- banana bread (adapted recipe)
- rice pudding (adapted)
- veggies and homemade humus/guacamole
- cinnamon maple syrup roasted chickpeas
- Hudson Bay bread (adapted)
- quinoa salad
- tuna salad (no mayo)
- artichoke soup
- quail with garlic oil spaghetti squash pasta
- roast duck with wild rice and wilted kale
- bison shepherd's pie with mashed parsnip and sweet potato

I'll likely be on this diet for 4-6 weeks and then I'll be allowed to try a single "banned" ingredient per week to see if it causes any changes. Apparently it can take up to a year or more to isolate the exact problem- if there even is one! This may all be moot, as it may not be the issue at all. Ugh. I can't even just go vegetarian, since the vast majority of alternative proteins (legumes, soy, beans, nuts, etc) are out of the question for now. Thankfully, there is a fantastic butcher about a 5 minute walk from me that specializes in unusual meats and game with very reasonable prices. Maybe I'll even try roasting a goose, or BBQing emu steaks!

I haven't seen Jaeger and Tails in almost two weeks, thanks to the baby and scheduling, and I miss them terribly. They're supposed to come to my place tonight for the weekend, as it's really hot here and the pool will be much appreciated. I'm excited! We are going to scarf all my favourite and soon-to-be-banned foods. Between that and all the missing-you-sex we probably won't come up for air until Sunday lol
 
Very sad update: my air conditioner is broken. It's just shy of 34C. We three are laying on the linoleum kitchen floor with all the fans going and just sweltering. Even the pool water was nearly sauna temperature, and Jaeger and Tails don't have working A/C right now either.

We are seriously considering getting a hotel room. One with air conditioning.

This is ridiculous.
 
It's so, so hot. I can't even.

I am from a far Northern clime: I am not used to this kind of heat! My indoor thermometer is reading 36C right now and that is with all the fans running and the shades down. I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm basically living in cold showers!

Jaeger and Tails are still here, hanging out, but we can't even cuddle because we are so miserable and sweaty and gross. Tails and I are touching toes but even that is kinda too much.

Blergh. We need a storm to clear this weather!
 
Go buy an AC? Rent a hotel room? I hate being hot!

Sorry you newly delivered sister, AND her baby, got sick! What a bummer for her! You were a great sister to take on a freaking newborn as you did, while her hubby was out of town. Wow.

And may I say the previous post about how you fell out of bed all cramped up after marathon MMF sex, but could only think of Jaeger calling you "love," cracked me the hell up! It was so well written and so heartfelt and self-deprecating. I am sure you are English; your humor reminds me of my fave British authors, comedies and comedians!
 
I'm sorry it's so hot, Featherfool.

Really, I just wanted to tell you that I love your blog! I love how you write and I love your stories about Jaeger and Tails :)
 
I am sure you are English; your humor reminds me of my fave British authors, comedies and comedians!

Close enough! lol Thank you for the kind words :eek: We finally did go rent a hotel room. It is was gloriously cool! We're going to stay here all week, since it's supposed to be stinking hot until Friday. Jaeger even brought Mama Cat and the Kittens.

Really, I just wanted to tell you that I love your blog! I love how you write and I love your stories about Jaeger and Tails

Awww thank you! I have no idea what I'm doing, but it's nice to know whatever it is, it's appreciated :D
 
Love your story! My guys are all straight, so I'm not in a triad, but since I am the hinge, I understand how you feel. :)
 
Thanks, Bluebird! I've basically been stalking your blog since I signed up on this forum lol I love how you write!

It's still stinkin' hot, but the hotel is nice a cushy! AND it has a pool, so that is good. It's like a mini-vacation, except we all have to go to work during the day. This is the longest we three have been together, and it's... unexpectedly lovely. I'm a person who needs a of space. I'm fairly outgoing, but I need plenty of time alone to recharge: an extroverted introvert, I guess you could say. I was honestly worried I'd start getting irritated with having the guys around all the time, and even had an escape plan: the room next to the one we have, with a connecting door, is vacant. If I got antsy, I could just rent that one and have all the alone-time I need.

It hasn't happened yet. Which is so strange. I can barely stand the people I love best in the world for more than two days at a time. Somehow, though, so far I have not experienced that itchy-scratchy-blood burning-irritable feeling that lets me know I need to recharge alone. Last night I sat on the futon (paid for so that we didn't shock the hotel staff- though I figure hotel staff should be pretty hard to shock, all things considered) and read my book while Jaeger scribbled in his work notebook and Tails played some shoot-'em-up game that apparently required a lot of jumping around and hollering at the screen. It was nice, and somehow I got my recharge so I could face work the next day. I've been doing a lot of schmoozing lately, and I find it utterly exhausting. I am no kind of politician. Small talk and sucking up does not come naturally for me and it makes for an ill-fitting coat at best.

So, I guess I learned something about myself today: I can recharge my batteries while other people are around. Who knew?

I have a fancy schmantsy dinner next Friday, a gala dinner for my other science-y work, and it was strongly suggested that everyone ableshould bring a date. I mentioned it to Jaeger and Tails, but haven't asked either to go with me yet. Jaeger would go, and he looks amazing in a suit, but he is uncomfortable with strange crowds and socializes even less well than I do. A bull in a social china shop, as it were. Tails would have a blast: he is a great socializer, and has more fancy clothes than any three other men I know. Certainly more than I own. I kind of like the idea of setting him loose in a room full of squinty-eyed basement dwelling academics. It would be like tossing a phoenix into a flock of near-sighted crows! I'm not sure if he would be willing to go as "just a friend", though, since he has expressed that he personally believes it to be important to be out to everyone in your life. I would not want to put him in a situation that he is not comfortable with or able to do, but I also don't want to have to deal with my coworkers knowing about my personal life. It's hard enough to be taken seriously as a woman in the sciences. I'm also hesitant to ask, because I know he would say he'd go, no matter what his personal preferences would be, just because I want him there. I don't want him to compromise his beliefs to make me happy.

I could just invite my cousin to go with me instead: we've done date-duty for each other before. But I feel like that edges close to being ashamed of my guys, or cowardly, or... something, I don't even know what. Maybe, if I can screw up the courage, I'll just tell them my dilemma tonight. I can give Tails the info, and what I'm feeling, and he can make his decision to go or not go from there. If he says no, then I can ask my cousin to go with me.

I can feel myself working up to a good worry, just writing about this! So I'll stop.

Addendum:
This new diet is hell. Sheer hell. That is all.
 
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Be forewarned: this entire post is going to be about food.

Deal with it.

This new food-restricted diet is killing me. This is so hard! Its day 4 and I want coffee so bad I had to put my machine deep in the cold storage so I wouldn't make any. I'm cranky and irritable. I want bread. Oooh, do I want bread! My sex dreams right now consist of a room full of different kinds of bread and no disappointed doctors to see the horrible things that would occur there.

So far I have found four recipes that are edible (cream of quinoa, an adapted form of Hudson Bay Bread, roast duck, bison/parsnip/sweet potato Shepherd's pie). The rest have been flat-out heave-worthy and ended up in the compost. I've lost two and a half pounds in four days! I am not a fussy eater, and I ate pretty good to start with (I live next door to a farmers market, lucky me!) but most of my main food choices are banned now and the other half I don't know how to cook properly: the rice noodles disintegrated into gloop, for example.

It's also freaking expensive. Quinoa, gluten-free oats, duck, bison, lamb... these are not inexpensive ingredients. I live far in the North, where food is expensive to start with, so "specialty" ingredients are astronomically priced or simply nonexistent. I literally spent $150 on food and it will last me until tomorrow. I mean, some of it was replacing stuff I can no longer use, but when your least expensive meat option is $15/lb, it adds up quick.

It's awful making plans right now to hang out with anybody. My family is definitely a "feed people" family. I only have gross food in my house right now (so I am not tempted to eat any stuff I'm not supposed to have), and it's viscerally embarrassing not to be able to offer anything edible when people come over. "W...would you like some unseasoned emulsified avocado and celery sticks? Can I slice you an apple?" is basically the best I can do at the moment.

Eating out is impossible. We're still at the hotel- we've extended our stay until Sudnay, when the heat is supposed to break- but thankfully it has a little kitchenette. I have to be "that person" that brings food everywhere with me, even restraunts, because I don't expect other people to accommodate my bizarre diet. UGH.

In other news: there was an incredible storm here today! Basically a monsoon. I love storrms, so it at least improved my mood a bit.

Oh, by all that is beautiful in the universe, do I want bread. Covered in cheese and garlic. Toasted. And a glass of sweet wine.

ughhhhhhhhhhh
 
I feel for you! That kind of diet would kill me, too - and my social life. And you have to stick with it for forever!! Guess you'll need many more food posts in this blog... Here is hoping that you survive!
 
I am so sorry about your incredibly restrictive diet! Must be a pretty bad health problem to put yourself through this!

Quail, duck, bison? What about fish? Not allowed either?
 
Ouch, your new diet is even more restricted than mine! I'm allergic to dairy, soy, yeast, beef, and banana. I've found goat milk and goat cheese to be a reasonable dairy alternative. Bison meat is good, but it is expensive. Maybe see if there are any bison ranches in your area that direct sell to the public. I've bought direct from a few bison farms in my area before, and the prices were pretty reasonable compared to the grocery store. If you have a Costco in your area, they sell ground bison (and goat cheese) for far more reasonable than I've found elsewhere.

If you get a choice as to what food to add back to your diet first, I'd recommend adding either soy or dairy back as they are the two things I've found to be in almost everything.
 
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