Zen Bonobo

Zed

New member
Hello everybody,

I'm new around here and many of these things are new to me. I stumbled upon this site today, looking for some specific solution to a problem and instead found a whole lot more. There's so much information here, I spent a good part of today morning reading blogs and people's experiences. It made me realise I wasn't alone. It helped me step outside of myself and see things more clearly.

I'd like to share my story. There are some good parts and some bad parts but I want to share them all. Reading other's experiences here has helped me. I need some advice and I've seen how people who share their experiences gain from it. And I hope that sharing mine might perhaps help somebody too even though I'm no pro at this, we've only just started being poly about two years ago.

I'm not much of a talker when it comes to sharing close emotional feelings, expectations, desires or boundaries. I've been trying to change that for a long time and I have made some serious progress, but I also still have difficulty doing it. It's more difficult if I have to talk to my primary partner about what I want from another partner or talk to my other partner about my boundaries. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Why? Because I think I will hurt their feelings? Because I'm afraid of being denied what I want? Or because I'm not sure of what I want in the first place and think it's better to just 'see what happens'? I think it's cocktail of reasons. But I've realised time and again, that not talking makes it worse. I like the way somebody described these talks in a post I read today: "Kinda like putting up warning signs and detour routes for the the road that washed away 1 mile ahead. If all the warnings are ignored, you find your self in need of a tow truck to get your self out of the mess." True.

I think I should start the story from the beginning. Since the beginning was around 11 years ago, I'm afraid this is going to be a long post.

I'm 27 now. I've only been in love twice. My first relationship went on for 4 years before we split because we moved to different countries. My second one, seven years and counting. I'm not married, but the girl I'm with now is the one I want to spend my life with. I went from one relationship to the next pretty quickly, in a matter of three or so months and during which I wasn't seeing/dating/having sex with any body else. It started simple enough, flirting, fooling about. And before we knew it, we were in love.

That's about 11 years combined. I cheated on my girlfriends many times. Yes, I lied and I cheated. I'm not proud of it. My ex girlfriend still doesn't know everything. I had cheated on and lied to my current girlfriend Nisha too. Every time I did it I felt weak, guilty, like a terrible person. But I couldn't control myself. I loved Nisha then and love her now. And I love sex. I want it from her and others. I want it so much that I'm week when offered. I had affairs. I wanted to and tried to treat everybody respectfully. But sometimes I failed. Sometimes I lied to get into bed or out of trouble. Sometimes I did things I regretted very heavily the next day. The guilt was terrible.

I love sex, I'm a slut and I'm not ashamed of it. Not anymore. Once I considered being a slut a bad thing, I felt guilty and wrong. I don't anymore. Now what I am ashamed of is being an unethical one.

When Nisha and I were together, we wanted to see/fuck new people. Which we thought was only possible if we broke up. So we broke up. But then we couldn't bear not being together so we got back. And it went like this, off and on, again and again, breaking and patching. The last time I cheated on her and confessed, I finally confessed to everything, all the past times that I had lied about, the whole truth and I was very ashamed of what I had done and very, very, scared. I had never seen her that hurt and angry before. Her trust was shattered. She left me and it was an very horrible time. Things seemed irreparable.

But something happened after that. While we weren't together, Nisha met someone who was poly and married. I won't get into the details here because it involves other people's privacy but what matters is that this led to a series of events which opened our minds to whole new possibilities. Polyamory. At first we weren't sure of how it would work, but we gave it a try. It was amazing. Instead of taking us further apart, it brought us closer together than we'd ever been before. Our love grew immensely.

We spoke openly, me for the first time without shame or guilt. We had long conversations. Her insecurities gradually lessened. My fears of not being accepted slowly lessened. It was hard at first and we had a tough time getting through it. But we stuck to it, we were brutally honest and accepted each other. We voiced our desires and respected each others boundaries. Our trust slowly mended and our love grew incredibly. She trusted me, my love. She knew that I would always be there for her and I knew she would be there for me. We were very happy together again. We had passionate sex again, together, with others and together with others.

But things aren't always so easy going. Things aren't always so easy to do. Emotions aren't easy to control and somethings, things get out of hand. And things did go out of hand very recently, when Nisha and I stayed over at my other partner's house while on holiday. Initially it's something that I didn't want to do but we didn't have a hotel booked and it was convenient. But I guess we bit off more than we could chew. A lot of things went wrong. I guess I got caught up in what they call NRE and that made me blind to how Nisha was feeling or being treated. We hit bumps we didn't see coming. Insecurities and fears resumed. And our holiday pretty much feels like just a waste of time, money and energy right now.

In fact, this holiday is the reason why I started looking online for help. And what I wanted to share here was what happened during this holiday but I couldn't do so without first explaining how we got there. I'll share the rest of my story soon but I've written a lot for now and need to take some time to process things first…

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So many questions...

I didn't know what NRE was before reading it in this blog. I'm not being sexist when I ask this, I'm just confused and curious. Does NRE affect men and women in the same way? Or do you think men are more prone to going gaga when they experience it? I ask because both Nisha and I have had other partners, not really long term ones, but she seems to be so much more in control of her relationship than I am with mine. But its not just this one case. I've seen other guys go bonkers when they first start a new relationship, it's like they have horse blinds on. I always thought this ridiculous until it happened to me. I don't think I went so far as to neglect Nisha or not notice her, but I just didn't realise how much I was hurting her or how I wasn't giving her all the attention she needed. I'm just confused as to what happened to me and how things went wrong and how I could prevent them happening again..

P.S.: I realised later that Zen Bonobo sounds dam pretentious... I'm not that. But that's what I want to be. A peaceful fun loving chimpanzee.
 
I like the name Zen Bonobo, I get it!

NRE is a wash of hormones that affects men and women equally. Either gender can even become a NRE junkie, leaving one person as soon as the NRE wears off, to get it again with the next partner. (I think of Hollywood celebs who meet, date, have expensive fabulous weddings, honeymoons, even a baby, then break up and get a new partner when the newness wears off!)

In poly, it's just something you have to get used to, and hopefully see yourself subjectively enough to regulate it so you don't neglect or hurt your other partner(s) while all twitterpated. Likewise, your experienced poly partners will know to look out for their partner's NRE, make some allowances and know it will start to fade after some months have gone by.
 
:)

Thanks Magdlyn! Hahaha, your comparison to hollywood stars really simplified understanding NRE for me. It's something I do want to keep under control, at least so that no one gets hurt.

I've got to say I'm really learning a lot from reading this forum. It's helping me formulate thoughts, realise what I want and what I don't want. I never could figure out what I want. But now I'm narrowing it down by realising what I don't want. At least not for now. Does that make sense?

I was reading BaggagePatrol's blog and found some useful advice on it. Particularly the advice her sister and sister's partner shared. Thank you so much for sharing that BaggagePatrol, I think it these tips/advice will help a lot in the future.
 
Your blog caught my attention. The name pulls you in, and I dig your writing style. Totes get it. I just saw a bonobos at our zoo. I loved watching them.

NRE makes your peripherals fade and no one outside of that tunnel vision matters. You can keep it under control by not letting it control you. It's like a happy cocktail. The high is high. It feels super good. You prevent neglect from happening by checking in with Nisha and asking if there's anything she needs. You know that the trip was a bust, and we all lose our heads. You correct it and learn what to do. It's not forever, and that's a good thing.

Poly takes practice and time to master. I like making flubs so I can say doh like Homer. I've learned many things. I like growing and being able to take something from every experience. That's worth making a couple of mistakes.

♡ Bella
 
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Fabulous Start.

I think those that have some reluctance around sharing their emotional world have a great deal to offer. So glad that you're posting on here, and glad that you are connecting with what you don't want - that's largely how I navigate through life as well. Be open, and discover what doesn't work for you, while getting closer to what you do want.

It sounds like you're aware of your NRE, and in my experience that goes a LONG way to finding the path that will create the most happiness for everyone in the face of some very exciting and new emotions.

I wonder about your query - do men respond in a more immersed way to NRE? That is very interesting question. I wonder if it has more to do with one's Meyer's Brigg's - the psychological and emotional style in which we process interior and exterior worlds. I have watched members of both gender succumb to the almost drugged state of NRE while inadventantly trodding all over other people's hearts. Perhaps it's a tendency towards escapism? A tendency towards addiction? This will have me thinking all day.

Welcome, and am looking forward to reading more about your experience!
 
Dropped in to say thanks and that I'm still around

Hi guys. Thank you for reading my story and sharing your thoughts. I was happy to read them and at the same time, they also made me nervous.

On one hand, this is kind of uncomfortable for me now because now I don't feel so anonymous anymore. I guess it's easier confessing in the dark. Something unrelated (or is it), but I just remembered this incident when I was tripping on acid with some friends and I felt so uncomfortable around them I couldn't speak to anyone. So I went for a walk in the garden by myself and I spoke to the trees instead. A friend caught up with me and I was trying to explain to him how I couldn't talk to people but I could talk to the trees. He asked me what I spoke to the trees about and I just couldn't get myself to open up and tell/talk to him. So I just stood there in awkward silence for what felt like ages. I don't remember what happened after that. It makes me very uncomfortable to remember this incident. My back muscles are actually tensing up right now.

On the other hand, getting feedback on this forum is amazing. It's helped me stop seeing my self as a helpless horrible person. I'm taking responsibility and I realise that I'm not a malicious asshole, but sometimes I make some stupid horrible choices that can really hurt someone. And that I can change about myself.

To change that, I need to continue sharing this story. Because not expressing my self is how this mess started in the first place. I read a bit of this forum everyday, it's been really helpful. But I haven't written anything in days, I haven't had the time to. When I'm at home, I spend time with Nisha and we talk. It's been going really well actually. When I'm not at home, I'm at work and I have some crazy deadlines to meet so… no time there either.

Actually, I'm at work right now, it's late and I was just about to leave. I want to continue writing my experience. I will try to do some when I get home. I just wanted to drop in and say a big thank you and that I'm still around. I appreciate your feedback very much. See you soon!


@Bella - Do you really say 'DOH!' out loud? I do that sometimes! :) I agree that mistakes can be the best way to learn, it just sucks when someone else has to suffer for it. :(

@BP - Thank you for the support. What you said about NRE has now got me thinking about it all day. I'm going to look into this Meyers Briggs you speak of, I don't think I've come across this term before or if I have, I don't remember what it is.
 
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On with it...

A couple of years ago, I quit my job and left Singapore to travel alone for a few months. I needed to get away from it all and do some soul searching. Nisha didn't come with me, but we knew we'd see each other again after my travels. Leaving wasn't easy for either of us but she supported me and helped me take that first step. Without her push, I'd probably still be contemplating my journey instead of doing it. And so I left...

We agreed that we didn't need to check in with each other before "meeting" new people while I was away. That would have been difficult, with us not knowing when we'd be reachable. So I left and Nisha stayed and at first we kept in touch daily. But Nisha needed her space, so she eventually asked me to stop contacting her for a while (or at least until I had finished my travels). Even though she supported my decision to leave, she felt lonely and she needed her space and time to deal with the newness of things.

At that time, our poly relationship meant something different to me. To me it meant being in ONLY ONE real relationship and ONLY having casual sex on the side. While I was travelling, I had a one night stand and Nisha started having a fling with someone. She saw this guy for weeks on end and they spent a lot of time together. It was also the first time she was having (one on one) sex with someone else since we'd been dating. They started to get friendly, close, it was more than just sex, it was getting emotional.

That really made me jealous. And uncomfortable. And angry. I suddenly felt alone out there, in a new country surrounded by strangers. Nisha knew that I was hurting but she didn't want to stop what she was doing. She didn't see the need to specially after all the affairs I had during our relationship. I didn't want to ask her to stop either. I didn't want to be a hypocrite who only takes and never gives.

I was very disturbed by the whole thing, even more so because I felt like I had no one to talk to at the time. I was angry at Nisha, I was hurting and I was alone. I couldn't understand how Nisha could do something like this to me.

I finished my travels a month later but didn't return to Singapore, I went back to my home town in India. Nisha visited me for the Christmas holidays and we tried to speak about what happened but I was so hurt and still angry that I couldn't have a proper conversation with her. It always led to a shouting fight and she never seemed sorry for what she did. After the holidays, Nisha returned to Singapore.

A month or two later I met Greta, a friend of a friend who was travelling through my town. My friend asked me if I'd like to show her around and I accepted. We drove to many places and spoke a lot about our different cultures, interests and eventually started flirting and got close. We started to become good friends and I began wanting to sleep with her. The difference between this situation and previous ones is, for the first time in my life I was honest from the start.

I told her that I loved Nisha but I also wanted to enjoy the moment with Greta. I explained to her that I was poly but there was only one girl for me. At first I was scared to speak up, I was worried she'd get angry or feel used. But she listened and instead of trying to trick her into bed, I gave her the choice of leaving if she felt uncomfortable or staying if she wanted to.

She decided to stay. We spent the next few days talking a lot and getting very friendly.

In many ways, Greta helped me with my relationship with Nisha. She helped me realise that there's no need to lie to get laid. That in fact, getting laid was so much better when done honestly. She helped me realise that I could still be in love with Nisha while I felt warm with somebody else. She helped me come out a little more, of a paranoid shell I had built for myself. I was grateful to her.

And all this made me realise the reverse was possible too. I realised that it was possible for Nisha to still love me while seeing someone else. Perhaps her fling could positively influence our relationship too. If it was, I didn't want to stop it. I wasn't angry at her anymore. I wasn't hurt. I finally understood the beauty of it.

The next time Nisha and I met, we spoke to each other without fighting. We weren't jealous, we just wanted each other to be happy. It was wonderful. And again, we got closer than we'd ever been. And it's been beautiful ever since.

And then we messed things up by biting off more than we could chew. We went on vacation to Berlin, a place I always wanted to visit before I met Greta. The place that Greta coincidentally lived in. And we stayed at her place as guests and even went to visit her hometown with her parents the second day after Nisha and Greta met each other for the first time…
 
I'm glad that Greta and a few others have opened your eyes to the possibility of polyamory, ethical slutdom, as opposed to lying and cheating.

Just want to point out that polyamory means many loves. It's perfectly OK if, right now, you feel Nisha is your one true love and for others you will only feel lust, "enjoy the moment," or at most, have "warm feelings."

But perhaps you're feeling more than that for Greta? What if warm feelings and lust develop into love? Does Nisha love her OSO?

And what happened on your Berlin holiday? Do go on!
 
:)

Thanks Magdlyn. Yes, Greta did help me open my eyes to possibilities and I suppose at the time I did feel a wuv for her, but it wasn't as strong as love.

I'm not sure how Nisha feels for her OSO (I just found out what OSO meant on urban dictionary!). I should probably ask her about it.

I take a while to write down my experience because every time I read what I've written, I need to rewrite it. It's a long story because it starts so long ago and I need to get all that out before I can go on. But sometimes I write too much and what I mean to say gets diluted in the text. Sometimes too little and my point is week. But I feel I'm getting better at expressing myself writing here, and I will continue to. Though it might take me a while...

:)
 
Berlin: Part 1

I wanted to go to Berlin for a long while before I finally got to. I'd never been there before but something about the place attracted me. A young, fun, freaky, fast, urban and sexy city, it seemed to be the solution to my problem that the country I work in is BORING. But my bigger problem was that I wanted to go to Berlin too badly. I gave it too much importance.

And then as things happen, I meet Greta and it turns out that she lives there. I wanted to go there before I knew her though my behaviour made Nisha suspicious and wonder if my wanting to go there really had nothing to do with Greta.

Greta and I kept in touch online quite a lot after she left India and she had invited me to visit her Berlin many times since. She knew I'd been wanting to go there, it's something we spoke about a lot. But with all the work I had going on and air-tickets being expensive, I didn't know when I'd be able to go.

Then Nisha found a sale online and we bought our tickets to Berlin for a good price. It was a 24 hour sale so we didn't have much time to think about it, we just went with it. I was really exited and happy to finally be going!

When I told Greta that we were coming, she was exited and happy too. Until she realised that Nisha was coming with me. I assumed it was because she might be nervous to meet Nisha so I explained to her that Nisha didn't have a problem with her and in fact wanted to meet her. Nisha had told me so once. When I told Greta that, she seemed to relax and said she was fine with meeting Nisha in that case.

This is when things started to get fucked up. Turns out that Nisha wasn't OK with meeting Greta. She was at one point but her feelings had changed and I had no idea. There's no easy way to explain this in a paragraph without a lot of confusing "he said she said"s, so I'm putting in down in bullet points. It happened like this:

- A long time ago, I was talking to Greta about a fight Nisha and I were having at the time.
- Greta told me she felt Nisha wasn't good for me because of the fight we were having and seeing how upset I was.
- I corrected her and told her that we had our ups and downs but when we are not fighting, Nisha is the perfect one for me. I reinforced this with examples of when Nisha stood by my side and how she makes me a better person and told her that she was the perfect girl I could have ever asked for.
- Greta then said she was a bit jealous of Nisha, I don't remember how I responded to that.
- I told Nisha about it.
- Nisha felt weird but kept it to her self that she didn't feel like meeting Greta anymore.
- I told Nisha that Greta was nervous to meet her and so I told Greta that Nisha wanted to meet Greta.
- Nisha then tells me that she doesn't want to meet Greta and asked me why I told Greta any such thing.

So Nisha was upset that I had told Greta that she wanted to meet her. And I immediately got angry thinking Nisha was simply trying to make things difficult now that we were actually going to Berlin. I can be very suspicious and quick to anger, it's my biggest weakness and I try to control it but I'm not always successful. So Nisha and I fought about this, about the Berlin trip and already I was beginning to worry that the trip might not be as perfect as I wanted it to be.

Greta invited us stay at her house. I didn't think it was a good idea. I know Nisha and I didn't think she would be comfortable staying there. I didn't feel comfortable with the idea my self so I thanked Greta and told her that we'd stay at a hotel instead. Greta didn't like that, she said she'd do anything to make Nisha feel comfortable at her place and that she would be sad if I went to Berlin without seeing her. I told her that just because we weren't staying with her didn't mean I wouldn't see her and she said OK.

Greta and I continued to chat online and she started suggesting/making plans of what we could do there. Places she wanted to show me. Places she thought we could go to to have breakfast. I'm trying to remember correctly now and I might be wrong, but it seems like she included herself in all these plans as if I was going to Berlin to visit her.

I would diplomatically say that the plans sounded good without committing to them. I think that was a mistake, because perhaps that led her to believe that I actually was going there to see her. Then Greta's parents invited us all for Easter at their place. I spoke to Nisha about these plans and invitations and Nisha began to feel left out. She felt that Greta and I were making plans without her, behind her back. She began to feel unwanted and wondered why she was coming to Berlin in the first place.

I did want her with me in Berlin. I wanted to explore Berlin with her. And at the same time I wanted to see Greta. But I tried to force the two together without giving Nisha her space to be OK with it.

Nisha began to ask me about my priorities and I took the question in a wrong way. I thought she was giving me an ultimatum, asking me to decide weather I wanted to spend my time in Berlin with her or Greta, that I couldn't do both. Initially she didn't want to meet Greta and suggested that I meet her by myself. I didn't like that idea, it made me feel like I would be doing it behind Nisha's back. I wanted them to meet and get along.

I wanted Greta to see that Nisha was real and that we were a good couple and that we were really in a poly relationship and that our relationship worked and I wasn't cheating on anyone.

But mainly, all I wanted was to go to Berlin and have a good time without complications and now it was all getting complicated and falling apart and I began to wish I never met Greta.

----------

Nisha might have been new to this (meeting each other's other) too but she handled the situation in a much more mature way than I did. There were times when she asked me what I wanted from the trip and I would simple say, "To enjoy Berlin, that's all!". She tried to talk about our expectations, maybe the possible situations that might arise and all I did was stubbornly argue that I was going to Berlin to see Berlin and that I didn't want anything to go down with Greta and me. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to go with the flow, not plan out anything.

Maybe she didn't ask me her questions in the right way but she tried. And what did I do, just throw it back in her face. Make her feel like she was the one making the trip more difficult than it actually was. I was angry, answered aggressively, we fought, we cried, it was just so much torture. We fought so many times about a trip that hadn't even started yet.

I feel like I was really, really stupid. I wish I spent more time and energy trying to see things her way, talking instead of fighting. I wish that I had found this forum before instead of after everything went shit.

I feel terrible. I hate what I did. All Nisha did was try and be good to me, to give me what I wanted. And I disrespected her, neglected her, put her through hell and broke her trust. I feel like a big shit.

----------

In the end, Nisha and I thought that there was no reason for things to go badly. That maybe we were just being overly nervous. So we decided to accept their offer and go to Greta's parents place for Easter. At first we weren't sure if we wanted to go but Easter is the biggest celebrated holiday in Germany, bigger than even Christmas, and we wanted to see how a German family celebrates. It's always nice to be invited to somebodies house.

And because we accepted their invite, we also accepted Greta's offer to stay at her place on the day we land in Berlin. It would was more convenient than staying in a hotel the first day and trying to find each other early morning the next day. So that's what we did. We landed in Berlin, went straight to Greta's place and spent the first day and night there. The next day we left for her parents and spent the night there. When I think about it, I can't believe we actually did that. Most people meet each other over coffee or lunch… we jumped straight into a very deep end without and prior experience… in a way, we asked for it… but that does not justify that I behaved like a total asshole...
 
Berlin: Part 2

We landed in Berlin on a morning and went straight to Greta's place. Staying at Greta's was a mutual decision from Nisha and me. Our first meeting was friendly, although I think everybody was nervous.

Later that day, the three of us went for a walk. Normally, I walk faster than Nisha. She prefers to go slow and click photographs. Thing is that Greta walks fast too, so she and I were usually ahead while Nisha was behind. Nisha took this as Greta and I trying to separate from her, but that wasn't what was going on. I even walked back to Nisha at times and asked her if she was ok, to which she said yes.

I guess we were all quite nervous, I know I was, and when I'm nervous and act differently. For example, I was walking with Nisha and holding her hand while Greta walked ahead. But when we caught up with Greta, I let go of Nisha's hand. I think I did that so as to not make Greta feel uncomfortable.

I wish I had my head screwed on right. I shouldn't have let go of Nisha's hand or shown her less affection in front of Greta. Instead of making my Nisha feel secure and confident, I chose to not make Greta feel awkward. I think I gave Greta the wrong impression by doing that, made her think she was more important. So there's no one else but me to blame here. I fucked up and I feel like shit for not standing by my woman's side. Still, Nisha didn't mention to me that she wasn't feeling OK.

The next two days passed in a similar sort of way. Nisha seemed to avoid being near me. No matter how slowly I walked, she always seemed to walk far behind me. But Greta would walk up to me if I was alone, and walk by me. Nisha still wouldn't tell me if anything was wrong. And I didn't ask. I assumed everyone was just getting used to the situation.

Then after spending our first three days like this, Greta had a class to attend so Nisha and I did some sight seeing by ourselves. This is when Nisha tried to tell me that she wasn't OK, that I wasn't giving her enough attention. Instead of listening to her, I got defensive and angry. I was stubborn and refused to see Nisha's side. I felt like it was Nisha who was avoiding me, not me who wasn't making enough of an effort to be close to her. We started to have an argument.

During this argument, Greta called to say her class was cancelled and to ask if she could join us. And what did I do? I said OK. In the middle of an argument (which Greta was a big part of), I asked Greta to join us. I can't believe I did that, I disregarded Nisha's feelings. She tried to talk to me calmly and I didn't listen and then went and made her feel worse.

So Greta joined us and we didn't mention that something was wrong. Neither did we get to resolve our argument.

That night Nisha and I booked our transport for the next day, we were going to visit my brothers girlfriend. It got late and Nisha went to to sleep. Greta and I stayed up talking and eventually we hooked up. The next day I told Nisha about it and she seemed like she didn't mind.

Looking back, I can't believe I hooked up with Greta while Nisha and I had an unresolved argument on the table. I've been in similar situations before, where I could have hooked up with somebody while Nisha and I were fighting, BUT I DIDN'T because I couldn't do it while things weren't OK with us. So why did I do it with Greta? I don't know… maybe because we were leaving the next day so I felt like it was my only chance… but even then, I feel terrible that I gave Greta more priority than resolving my fight with Nisha.

The next day Nisha and I left to visit and spend a few days with my brother's girlfriend. And then the three of us returned to Berlin and we all stayed at Greta's place. Then things just got more and more worse. In short, I hardly got to spend much alone time with Nisha. And when we were alone, we fought and had arguments. Nisha started to shut me out and I couldn't keep a conversation decent. I would get angry and shout. Things got pretty bad but I don't think Greta knew. Not once did Nisha, Greta and I sit and talk about what we wanted from what we were doing.

Greta and I kept making out and spending time with each other and Nisha felt more and more pushed away and alienated. Finally Nisha had had enough and she wanted to leave. She told me that I could stay with Greta if I wanted but she was leaving. I didn't want to be away from Nisha, I wanted to be with her. But somehow, I found it hard to leave Greta's. For one, finding a hotel can take up time and I didn't want to waste time looking for a hotel instead of visiting museums and such. HOW STUPID IS THAT? And then Greta didn't like the idea of us leaving. She tried to dissuade us, she didn't help us in finding a hotel and kept trying to distract us when we were searching for one online.

Nisha was very nice to Greta, even though things were fucked up and she was hurting. She made an extra effort for everybody to get along. But when we were finally ready to leave the next day, Greta began to act cranky and she snidely insulted Nisha and me and neither of us said anything back to her. I think we both felt indebted to her because we were her guests. Then that night, after and in spite of her insults, I asked Nisha if I could spend the night in Greta's room.

It's like I was on a brainwashed kamikaze mission, like I was deliberately trying everything I could to ruin our relationship. Nisha was so hurt and angry when I asked her, she started crying and that's when my dum ass suddenly woke up and realised what I was putting her through. I was shocked and scared. I started to cry too. I felt like the world's biggest asshole.

The next day, I booked a hotel. We left a thank you note with some flowers and herbs for Greta and her housemates and we left. I paid for the hotel and everything, it was too little to late but I just wanted to get Nisha somewhere she could relax and I could be with her alone. If I hadn't booked the hotel and left, I don't think Nisha would have ever been OK with me again.

After leaving Greta's, my head started to clear more and more and I realised in horror what I had done. I was a total dick to Nisha and she didn't deserve it. I hurt her really badly, broke her trust, broke my confidence in myself, wrecked our relationship.

I feel like Greta didn't respect our boundaries either. Even after we left her place and I had told her that I wanted to spend the rest of the days alone with Nisha, she called and texted me asking to meet her. At first I thought she might not realise that she's not giving us the space I needed and asked for. But turns out she knew what she was doing, but she didn't care. She said she just had to do it anyway. That really hurt me. I didn't think she'd disrespect my relationship with Nisha so much and do it without feeling sorry.

Nisha and I got to spend the last couple of days by ourselves and we tried to enjoy what was left of our holiday but there was just too much shit already. There was too much guilt hanging over my head and Nisha felt hurt and unloved. It just made me so sad that we wasted what could have potentially been an awesome trip.

------------

What had I done? I risked a perfectly happy and wonderful relationship with Nisha, and for what? For someone who doesn't care about us?

I liked Greta when I first met her but after this trip, I realised that I didn't know much about her. The more I found out, the more I realised that she isn't (or isn't ready to be) poly. She doesn't like the idea of her boyfriend with another girl for one, and she was jealous when I told her that Minu was good for me. She tried to push Minu away and keep me to herself sometimes. I didn't want to be with somebody like that, or let somebody like that into something I held close to me. I was too naive and wanted to believe in a perfect world, but instead I did so much damage to what was actually real.

I broke Nisha's trust, I broke my confidence in myself, I wrecked it. Nisha asked me to show her extra affection when we were in Berlin, that she would need it, and I didn't give her this basic thing she asked for. It hurts and it hurts more to see Nisha hurt so much. I don't trust myself and so I'm scared that I'll do this again.
 
Rebuilding

Nisha and I have been having some amazing conversations lately, pouring our hearts out. And I've listened, calmly this time, accepting all the pain I had caused her. We've started rebuilding what was broken and also re-evaluating ourselves. Why we are in this relationship. What do we want from it. What do we want from being poly. How we could improve our communication skills so they don't break down so easily the next time.

Things have gradually been getting better, but I'm so scared that she'll forgive me and I'll do it again. I didn't mean to do this to her. If I had realised what I was doing, I wouldn't have done it. How am I going to recognise recognise what I'm doing the next time? I don't trust my self and I'm scared of that.

Sometimes I feel like I should walk away and so that I CAN'T hurt her again, but that seems like an easy way out. I want to do the work it takes to rebuild her trust. I want to be the way we were again.

Thing is, I've fucked up pretty bad in the past too, but that was a long time ago during my cheating days. And I'd changed since. I'd become a much better person, thanks to Nisha. And this whole incident made me go back to my old ways. Being reckless, editing the truth, neglecting feelings, being a real asshole. So I wonder if I had really changed or just… I don't know… maybe the real me who's an asshole was just dormant? I know that old habits die hard, but I thought I had killed them hard ages ago…

I've ended it with Greta. I emailed her asking for her side of the story first. She replied nicely but her reply didn't reflect the way she acted. I replied apologising if I had given her any wrong impressions. I also tried to tell her what I thought she did wrong and how her actions hurt us. If she wants to be poly, she will have to change some of her ways too. But I won't be there to do this with her.

I don't want to lose Nisha and I'm not willing to take any risks.
 
As someone who has made many mistakes recently and over the past decade and some change, give yourself some credit and have some faith in your abilities to change and be a better person. I am working on earning my husband's trust back, and there are times when I want to give up. I have felt like I was sabotaging my chances at fully earning it back out of fear of losing it again.

If you walk away from Nisha, that will probably hurt her more than than anything else. My husband left for one day shy of two weeks, and I am one who never cries over living people. I actually shed tears and broke down. It was only 13 days, and it was the saddest 13 days of my life. When he walked in, I held on to him and vowed to right anything I had done to make him feel like leaving was the only option.

Keep working on your relationship with Nisha. Keep working towards earning her trust back. Someone on here said transparency is important. Tell her everything. Even those little things that seem irrelevant to you. I am learning this the hard way.

Sending you good vibes your way, and I am following your journey. I rarely comment on blogs, but I am doing better. :)

Ry
 
Faith and Trust

Thanks Ry, sending those good vibes your way too. We have to take responsibility for our actions and realise we can make the right choices if we try.

I was speaking with Nisha last night, and I told her how I didn't trust myself. The thing I'm most scared of is that she'l forgive me and I'll do it again. I told her that perhaps not trusting myself was a good thing, that because I didn't I'd keep a closer eye on myself and what I do, perhaps preventing doing shitty things in the future...

But Nisha said that was absolute bullshit. :)

She said that it was BECAUSE I didn't trust myself that I fucked up and did those things in the first place.

And I thought about it and I actually agree... I need to trust and prove to myself that I can make the right choices and that I'm not a helpless passenger riding these situations.

I have to trust myself because if I don't, then how can anybody else?

Things are much better with us two again, but it's not back to the way things were. She hasn't forgiven me yet but we talk a lot, really deep meaningful talks. Put away our egos and insecurities and just express ourselves and listen to each other. We've started writing down some "rules" which we think can help prevent communication breakdowns in the future. We kiss and we've been having some insane soul connecting sex! :D

The thing is, she's my best friend and I am hers, and no matter where we go or what we decide to do after all our talking, we'll always be there for each other.

I know I have to trust myself again but I find it so hard, I can't imagine how hard Nisha must be finding it. But I need to build that trust because until I do, I don't know what I want from all this... I want things to go back to the way they were but it might never happen. And if that's the case, that there's just too much damage to be repaired, then going our own ways seems to make sense. But I know that leaving her would make me miserable and her too... so my thoughts just go round and round... just so tired with all the thinking...

My heart says "love her, do the work and build that trust and never hurt her again". My head questions if I have what it takes to do that...
 
Hey, I think you're being a little hard on yourself. I see you made mistakes negotiating your V in Berlin, but your mistakes seem more out of ignorance and NRE (new relationship energy), than out of being a "total shit" or however you are castigating yourself now.

Being out on a V date, as a hinge, especially for the first time, can be a delicate balancing act. All 3 can feel awkward, even if the arms are cordial, even if the hinge is trying like heck to keep things balanced. Your primary may feel like she is due more attention since she's been with you longer. The new partner may feel like she's due more attention because she's new and probably thinks she has more reason to be nervous and jealous than your longtime love does. ( ie: The first time I went on a V date- went out dancing- with my 2 current partners, my new bf felt he didn't get enough attention, even though I really tried to be 50-50 at the venue, and afterwards, shagged him and slept with him in the guest room while my gf spent the night in our bed alone.)

And here you go, not just a one night date, but a whole week, in a strange city, and making your primary live and sleep in your new lover's apartment! Her turf!

Yes, your communication levels sound like they sucked that trip, but you learned from it, and you sound like you're improving! Not trusting yourself now sounds like a rational response to me. It brings self awareness, a kind of psychic self checking, which is good, going forward.
 
Thank you for your support Magdlyn.

Yeah, it was a very complicated and delicate situation and I feel like I didn't handle it well at all. But here's to learning from mistakes and taking it forward!

Last night I was feeling a bit stressed. I called Nisha on my way home from work to ask her what she wanted to do for dinner. Turns out she'd be late at work, so she told me to go ahead and eat something without her. So I took this as an opportunity to spend some time alone at home. I haven't had any time to myself in months and I was looking forward to this.

I ordered dinner, bought some beer and was all ready to turn on the Playstation (yes I still play video games and probably always will, so what?) and have some fun when Nisha called and said she was done with work and would be home soon. That was a slight bummer. As she hung up, I realised it was raining outside so I called her back to ask her if she had an umbrella. She didn't and she usually walks home from work with her laptop, so I offered to carry some from the house and go pick her up. :) She was happy about that. Score points for me!

But when we got back home, I couldn't help feeling sad/bad/irritated that the night I had imagined wasn't going to happen. Nisha could tell that something was wrong so she asked me. Normally I would have just said "nothing", but this time I thought about it and expressed to her that I was just feeling sad/bad/irritated that the night I had imagined wasn't going to happen and that I really needed to spend some alone time as I hadn't in ages. And Nisha didn't take it badly, she understood and offered to go away during the weekend so I could have the house to myself. :)

It felt so good! Normally we would have been fighting about something as stupid as this but we were both making an effort not to. I took something from me to express myself calmly and clearly and it took her an effort to listen to me and not feel unwanted or insecure.

I hope that we get better and better at this and its not something we're doing now because wounds are fresh. If everyday was like that, my life would be perfect. :)
 
We having another fight again, over some stupid misunderstanding during dinner. Sometimes its so depressing when things could be so awesome but instead our stubborn egos make sure they aren't.

Nisha said something I misunderstood because of my selective hearing. So I asked her about what she meant, but she didn't answer my question because she hadn't realised that I had misunderstood her in the first place. Eventually instead of asking each other to explain ourselves, we started accusing each other for saying the wrong thing.

We fought a good two hours, even writing down what we had said trying to find the misunderstanding. We finally did but now Nisha seems more pissed off that we fought in the first place, rather than appreciate that we finally understood where we were coming from. And she seems to be accusing me of giving her a hard time because I hadn't understood which I think is really unfair. There have been countless times when she's taken something I've said in a wrong way and I've had to spend DAYS trying to make her see what I meant. I feel like I'm not allowed to have my own insecurities, that I'm the one who's wrong for misunderstanding something... but when it's the other way around, it's again my fault for not considering her insecurities and expressing myself properly...

Sometimes it feels like she's more concerned about being right than understanding why I've misunderstood her.

Now I'm in a bad mood and just needed to vent. Things ought to be better again by tomorrow morning, after a good night of sleep. We've both been really tired and stressed lately and that's probably why we're just taking out on each other right now.
 
Happy sunday!

Woke up still feeling pissed but then Nisha came over to my room (I slept in the guestroom last night) and we talked it out in the morning.

We finally understood each other and where we were coming from. I realised that I hadn't expressed myself clearly last night either, so there was a lot of miscom flying about. We're trying to figure out how we can minimise these miscoms... I guess it's never a 100% unavoidable, but two things I want us to really work on:
1) Prevent miscom as much as possible
2) When we do miscom, step back and understand each other as quickly (and calmly) as possible

We both can flare up pretty quickly at times and when we're angry it's just so much harder to understand each other! I hate when that happens...

Do you guys have lots of miscom too? What steps do you take to prevent miscom in your relationships and how do you fix it when it does happen? Is practice and patience all it takes? I'm curious and would like to know how you'll deal with it. Any advice is much appreciated :)

Have a great sunday you all! Peace and love!
 
I listen to what is being said, and then, I repeat it back to make sure I heard correctly. If I did not, it just gives the other person the chance to correct me and prevent that. We also ask questions if it is something we do not understand. I usually try to phrase what was said in the question. I, too, had selective hearing, and it caused trouble, trouble, trouble. When we talk, I express myself in a clear manner to alleviate confusion. I think about how I want him to talk to me and express his thoughts and feelings. It takes time to get accustomed to it. It does take patience and and understanding. Listen intently, repeat what you heard, and if needed, ask for more information or details. That goes for both of you. Communication is a two way street.
 
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