Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy

Annnnd I have had the worst trip back home ever lol. The trains were delayed which meant I didn't leave until around 130am! But it was alright, I spent from 12-1 talking to Rocky on phone :) good times, told him about the night out and the people I met.

I have in one night been on failed date with D, not going anywhere...nice person, no chemistry. And he's just not truly wired poly, he thinks he is because in the past he cheated, but he's not...cheating and poly are two very different things. I did pull out of walking him back to the station. He was trying to get me alone, and I felt really uncomfortable by his advances. Plus I was having a good time and he didn't ask me if I wanted to leave, he just said were going, like he had any right to. I wasn't as rude as him to call him out in front of people but I did privately and thankfully Irishcoffee had my back. :)

I also Got cornered by unicorn hunters...lol that was fun. When the man asked for my phone number I had to politely tell him I was more into His female partner than him.

And I also got asked out on a date by someone who I am actually interested in, we were making eye contact across the room all night and he kept coming to sit next to me. He's tall, handsome, very witty,..and again another scientist. I sure do like my scientists. I am beginning to see a pattern. He also looks startlingly similar to my high school crush and those type of combination of looks is really rare and super super super hot to me!!! he's about six foot two....yummy! I had to reach up so high to hug him and we are meeting up next week! Can't wait. He said the sweetest thing to me as we walked to the train station together. He said, "you know when you walk in a room and everyone is black and white, and then you see that one person in colour? That was you to me." Wow! I have never been told that before. I felt incredibly excited by his vibe, we just gelled so well! I know. I know I have said this before. But just because I am only with one person right now and haven't found the right second or third doesn't mean I am less poly. And I just genuinely get excited about people period. I think I would easily work in something where I got to know new people every day and helped fix their problems. Not one person over a really long time, but constant new stimulation. Something like that.

I also got to see irishcoffee and his metamours, I finally met some of them! They are really sweet and I got to see other people together and be happy and be ok with it, with someone I have emotional connection to. So that was a good test on the jealousy parameter for me. I was proud of myself. :)

Lily wasn't there unfortunately, and that is ok. I hope she is alright.

I got a message from Leo too today saying he couldn't make the group meeting. Oh well. I am leaving my reply until tomorrow. I know he likes me, but clearly he has issues around dating me and that's cool. But I am still hurt and I hate not having a voice and he made the decision so suddenly after originally agreeing and voicing the opinion he really cared a great deal about me already and wanted to have sex??? So I have to accept it is what it is and it may pick up again later at some point or may not. I am not sure if I want to get hurt or let down again with Leo when he disregards my phone calls texts etc based on fear of unknown. I am always going to do the unknow, so communication styles not working there... and I am not upset about his decision to not date me just hurt by the mixed signals and when I tried to voice my opinion he went down the road of saying I was trying to change his mind. In actuality it was a logistical problem and I was just trying to help find a practical solution. Oh well. If he is not interested in two way solution based conversation that doesn't bode well for any relationship regardless poly or not. Even Friends have to create a schedule and meet each other half way.
 
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I have been on yet another date last night. It was a real mixed bag. On one hand, the man was intelligent, interesting, well spoken, well travelled, great job, handsome....

On the other, I felt no chemistry. Worse though, was that I kept getting an intense gut feeling of this being wrong. Not only just wrong, but run-for-the-hills in-the-other-direction-wrong!

When I tried to rationally pick it apart, it was a series of a lot of little warning flags, on their own would mean nothing, all together mean something.

1) having no experience what so ever with poly.

2) telling me that I can't guarantee in my lifetime I won't change my mind and don't know what I want. He said these in two different phrases, spaced over the night, but put together is very insulting. Scratch that , on their own are insulting, put together made me absolutely livid.

3) mandizing.

Where basically instead of a conversation where we exchanged ideas and talked to each other, he talked At me instead of with me. Not so insulting just more annoying, but after awhile had my eyes glaze over with disinterest.

It felt like a contest of who had done what the most, in that he didn't ask me mor than two or three questions over three hours. And when he did he compared with an experience of his own, often interjecting over top of mine. Hence the feeling of comparison and one uppmanship.

The rest of the time was spent telling me about his life and adventures, but also assuming how little I know because I am so young. (He actually said that!!)
This pissed me off, as I have two kids ( he has none) I have been married and divorced ( he never has been either). The fact that he thought that I didn't know my own mind or what I want, was very annoying and I called him out on that straight up.

I said, "You don't have the right to tell me what I know for myself, and I'm pretty sure I know what I want or don't want for my own life."

He used scientific logic to try to get around that instead of simply apologising, by saying "I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't change my mind in the future and be monogamous." I conceded to this point but still made the valid point that, I know where I stand now and made the comparison of kids, I made the decisions after rosebud not to have anymore. That hasn't changed in 7.5 years.

But this argument left a bad taste in my mouth, because it discounted my own reality and validity of poly, and I am not really looking for anyone who isn't enthusiastically on board with me being poly. More importantly I am not looking for anyone who wants to disprove my own personal truth, just because they say so! For a man who is a scientist this struck me as arrogant and unscientific conclusions.

But also it minimised me as a person and felt very much like sexism, and gender based biased. Because you're a woman of course you don't know about xyz. This happened quite a few more times in the course of the night when he explained to the poor little woman about all the different exotic places in the world in such condescending terms as if I couldn't possibly know or understand. Ugh!

Also I was carrying the humour side of it to lighten the slights I was feeling and I was already having a pretty shitty day for lots of other various reasons. He didn't even have the curtesy to ask how my day was.

So he kissed me at the end and I felt so much resistance to kissing him, I did not feel open and receptive, I felt like he was trying to claim the night (and me!) and I was so blind to the advance - I didn't see it coming. The kiss wasn't natural for me and felt forced and awkward on my part, it also triggered bad memories for me, because it was so rough for a first kiss and I felt immediately repulsed.

He asked me out for a second date, I hedged with out committing or blatantly turning him down because I was still processing all the small flags ans reassuring myself that this handsome articulate man had just back handed complimented me, and also outright offended me for two hours.

I thought the negative feelings I had were the bad day + PMS I was having, but I can now see after writing that lengthy stream of consciousness that indeed He is a nice guy perhaps, but toxic to me. Our communication patterns and values are completely different. I am not a monogamous project waiting to be fixed by the right guy, anymore than if I find the best most perfect dick and then I will stop wanting sex with women. And yes both former and latter have either been implied or said directly to me in the past. I am far too nice to strangers.

The worst part is I didn't keep track of time well and was late seeing Rocky. So making it up to him by staying a couple of days. I couldn't wait to see him and cuddle him and feel that strong connection, peacefulness, and happiness of him. Even his smell makes me feel like a little heaven on earth. It sure made me appreciate him the last few days. For all our bumps along the way I feel very very glad to have Rocky in my life.

Speaking of rocky, he is now responding enthusiastically to my I Love You. I couldn't be happier about this. It's so sweet and endearing and adorable. We cuddled last night and talked about how happy we both are we continue to communicate and work through things.

I told him this morning I really enjoy waking up next to him. Because the childhood abuse in my past, I have a lot of triggers, one that has never happened with him ever is being breathed in the face. You know the cuddling next to someone and they are asleep and breathe on you? I usually can't stand that sort of thing, but with Rocky, no problem, in fact I like the smell of him so much it doesn't trigger me and does the opposite it sends me to a happy calm place. These small things mean a lot to me, as Rocky keeps telling me, love like this should have always been my normal.

You know JJ I previously mentioned? He's a man in the USA -long term friend of 3-4 years, we haven't met so only online friendship. He said yesterday on text that he's in love with me and has been for a while now. I was like...whoa. I mean I don't even know if I can feel that way about someone I haven't met, or if I want to. Plus we agreed two days ago to investigate a real LDR since I am going out that way in sept. (85% sure). So it's not like we have been talking about the possibility long. He also said in all seriousness if things went south I would be welcome to live with him. This was weird to me because I would never ever move away from my kids. So no way is that happening ever.

I think after Leo, which apprwntly I was crushing big time, is that I am a bit bummed about men . Not only that, I also want female connection, and this is slightly,higher priority to me than meeting another man. I am not sure time wise if I can juggle relationships. We shall see. I definitely have a spot open in my mind for meeting a woman.

That being said, the man from meet up on Wednesday, has texted me, and I definitely feel chemistry and mutual respect and intellectually connection. Very happy. :) we are working out meeting up next week. I am keeping my dance card free for rocky, girls and new man, who will get the letter S for now. This is in the hopes I am pleasantly surprised by him on the second meeting, and at the very least make a good friend. :) he already ticks all the right boxes for me! Poly, local, handsome, intellectual, KIND, RESPECTFUL, holds down a good job, etc. plus I can definitely feel the mutual chemistry. And whoa is he tall, around 6'2" I would guess but not 100% sure, will need to ask. :)
 
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Well I have come to see why people date other poly people. This will be my third date dating a poly person, and first date with a actual practicing male poly person. Confused yet? Let me rephrase...I dated lily for a bit, and she was dating others at same time male and female. I also went on one date with a gay poly woman two years ago, that went south because she said she didn't want the women she was with dating other men. so why she went on a date with me not so sure.

Anyway derailed there. I shall call the man from poly meet Trip. We arranged a date for Thursday. Yay. The nice part is we both already have other long term relationships so it's quite a good possibility. Feeling hopeful!
 
Tonight I am leaving rocky to his routines and headed out to a gay club. I am really starting to take on board my poly choices with authenticity and without apology. I am headed to the park to bike first, then to the club. I am happy :eek:
 
Trip rescheduled for Monday night with me because of a scheduling mishap in his end, he let me know in advance and I can't complain since I am now seeing him sooner, yay! We are going for tapas and drinks :) We have been flirty texting and had our first phone conversations over the weekend. He seems very keen on me, and I am most definitely keen on him.

I spent Friday night and Saturday with Rocky. I didn't make it biking or gay club because I got phone calls last minute Friday dealing with legal and kids things that took up an hour, then IrishCoffee called and invited me to a kink scene drinks Sunday, with after party. Also Trip called then too, so I ended up on the phone for three hours. Can't say I minded!!

Then rocky and I watched some TV, went for a walk, and we found a trolley by the road, I dragged him into it and pushed him manic down the pavement until he almost rolled out of it on a bump. That was so funny, we're generally doing crazy in the moment stuff like that that sends us both into hysterics.

We were in fits and giggles at that point.

We are just so similar to each other. We have decided since getting back together that even if sex ends with us, we want each other in each other's lives long term and were committed to making that happen. We just have so much love and happiness for each other. We had a really good long chat about that and possible ways to make that happen. :) we also decided we communicate really well in kisses, haha, we both could spend all night kissing each other only, our sexual relationship is so fluid and dynamic with no end goal except each other's happiness.

I was feeling pretty lazy physically, by Saturday morning. So I scheduled one on one time with Rosebud this weekend and we went pedal boating in a park. That was hard work for both of us but I so enjoyed it. Lots of good memories there. I also had my fist macaroons, Rosebud and I shared that and diet coke together while talking about her trip to the queens house and seeing the horses and the gems and the royalty. She told me very seriously that if I didn't send a letter to the queen first before you visit I would get my head chopped off. Lol. P

After dropping her back, I went back to Rockys alone to gather my stuff, and my energy before heading out to my business meet up with women. I think I would have preferred to hit a gay club, but I rsvped and so I went. Besides there's a chance I might meet at someone at the kink place tomorrow, though I have yet to openly flirt in front of rocky, although we have now progressed to him being very cool with me kissing and dating other men. And he gets very excited about anything with me and other women :rolleyes: I know total guy wet dream there for him I think. We talked on the phone in my downtime before the meeting, mostly about plans for future and also about threesomes and how we felt about it.

He's so pragmatic. He was like have you considered other options besides mff? I said No just hadn't occurred to me to try mmf, or fff, lol. I can be a little naive on this topic as i have no experience what so ever.

So anyway,I am going early to kinky event to spend time with Irishcofee plus his various lovers and friends. Him and I are strange in that I want to write him off because of possible triggers and he's so different from my type, but At the same time so adorable and kind and I just really enjoy his company, so it will be fun to see him again. I think I might try kissing him and see where it goes with out any labels or pressure or anything else. He has treated me with much respect and I like him more the more I get to know him! We also have really great chemistry, and he's very cuddly touchy feely and it's very calming for me. So we shall see, learning new paradigms is interesting. At the kinky event Rocky will show up around 7/8 to meet IrishCoffee and help me navigate the place with out feeling weird or scared or nervous. This is big steps for both of us and we're going with no expectations and open mind.

I shall also be spending the night at Irishcofees place after the event then the Monday we'll hang out, then monday evening I am headed to my date with Trip I mentioned earlier. Monday night I head back to mine, to do a lot on Tuesday. I have a lot of commitments I have neglected such as Pilates and things like clean my house, do laundry etc. Last night was the first time in 5 days in my own bed, this sort of freedom is new to me!

I can't believe how strong I have become recently. Two years ago this type of physical go go go was literally impossible. Now I feel able to move my body, even doing things like pedal boats was not possible. Pilates is doing a world of good for the pain in my body, and making happy choices for me is helping me a lot to deal with depression and also over all pain fatigue. I also have this pacing thing down better. Instead of boom and bust cycles.
 
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Well now I have broke trough a hell of a lot of barriers this weekend.

On Sunday I left home and went to the kink market/social that evening plus after party. That was a huge eye opener. I got to know Irishcoffees lovers and friends, and I spoke to other kinky inclined poly curious people.

I watched everything from crosses to needle play to spanking to rope play. It was definitely a lot of processing. I joined in before getting drunk on the rope play and stayed in the ballpit when drunk because I was told from the get go if you're too drunk to drive then you re too drunk to play.

After my wardrobe crisis the night before, I completely forgot to mention to Rocky the dress code! He showed up in his gorgeous Burberry suit and dressed to kill, my god I wanted to jump him so fast it was insane. All night he turned heads and he had no idea how charming or gorgeous he was. And to see him in his own element, it was like he was a duck to water. He was truly himself and it was glorious to see. I felt such compersion when others noticed him and approached him. One girl aggressively flirted with him, and he had no idea, I had to tell him afterwards and I made sure we all exchanged numbers. But it's more important to me that Rocky finds someone he likes. We mingled separate and together, we had lovely mixer drinks and martins. Mm. It was decadent and gorgeous and fun and lots of lovely kind and wonderful people.


I met a girl named Ria for this blog, and she is amazing, we spent a lot of time talking, about poly about kink, about Dom and sub and switching, about our experiences and what drew us there. We both admitted out loud by the end of the night that we liked each other, so we exchanged numbers and I think we're going to meet up in the future to do things.:)

Around midnight we all started meandering home, and Rocky was travelling the same direction as me and Irishcoffee so we all took the same bus. That was fun because I snuggled up on one end to rocky and had my feet on Irish coffee and was getting double massage and giggles. I got teased twice over by the two guys but I didn't mind at all, I was so happy to actually be doing poly openly and unashamedly.

Rocky left about four stops before us, then I spent the night cuddling Irishcoffee, the next day he introduced me personally to all the items I had witnessed the night before. I had play 101 course, everything from being tied up, and man handled, to knife play and floggers. No needles, hard limit for me, and definitely no collars! But I did get a spiderweb rope on my legs, and another complex forearm/wrist one. I think he was showing off a bit.

Irishcofee afterwards expressed an interest to be sexual with me, and one thing led to another,,,,then I had a slight extistential crisis thinking about how I hadn't gone through this senecio with Rocky practically, only metaphorically.

I didn't feel guilt over doing what I want with my body, I felt guilt for not thinking before hand that a play place with that much sexual energy might lead naturally to a situation with Irishcoffee as we already have such chemistry. And more importantly I was worried that Rocky would swallow his true feelings, and view me differently (less love attraction?) after having sex with a man. I will have to come back to that, in a moment as I don't want to derail my story! So while I was processing my first kinky night and first play session and first sexual experience with a man other than my long term partner...lol,..I THEN went on my date with Trip.

Seriously at the moment I feel like one of those movie films with the incredibly attractive wealthy men scenes, you know the who wine and dine a woman? That's totally been me recently. Irishcofee took me to lunch and we went to the park, then Trip took me to dinner and drinks, it was lovely. I so want to go dancing with that man!

Extistential crisis derail: I have a really strong persistent niggling feelings about Irishcofee since sex that felt wrong. Don't get me wrong we have great chemistry and conversations but when Trip asked me what I am looking for, on our date, I realised it's peace. I want someone(s) who I hug and it feels like home. I guess I am interested in creating my own poly family/community.

I completely get that peaceful right feeling with Rocky and with Trip. I don't get that with Irishcofee. For whatever reason we work better as friends in my mind. I think he is simply a lot more emotionally attracted to me than I to him. Rocky has nicknamed me Catnip as I flirt with a lot with people while just being me, and seem to attract people with relative ease. However, I myself am really picky so I had never looked at from that point of view before. I used to be compared to a fridge when I was younger so seeing this newer version of me from people who didn't know me then is kind of surreal.

Ok so back to my date with Trip. That was a strange yet amazing one, it felt like we knew each other from a really long time ago. We had intellectual sparring, interest in each other, he's very smart and handsome. He works high up in business doing something he loves, and he has along term partner and child. We have similar sense of humour, and we laughed a lot, everything was easy and I felt like a queen in his presence. Out of interest he asked if I was also on OKC, and I said yes, so we looked each other up and had a whopping 85% match but had never seen each other on there. That was a bit of an interesting moment as we both worried it would be something like 40% lol. That could have been awkward...

I reallllllly enjoyed kissing him, and he touched my face with so much tenderness. He looked at me at one point and went, where did you come from?? Because we were both hitting NRE hard and fast, it definitely helped to cuddle him to soothe myself after all the processing. I take things in stride easily though, so I am super proud of myself this weekend that is now into the week...I keep sayi weekend because my schedule is seriously messed up right now I am doing all play and no work right now lol. We went to drinks, tapas, then a really cute pub/retro bar. It was kind of steampunk designed with brass boiler, and piping, deep orange rust walls, dark wood beams and push leather sofas that you sink in from much use, with board games and eclectic low hum of voices. It was perfect as it wasn't too loud or busy, it was very intimate.

We must have spent the last hour kissing, and has kept asking would I see him again lol. I think clearing a table at the poly meet of men for him last week wasn't enough ;) so we are planning tentatively for Friday!

I got back to Rockys at midnight, and i first listened to his day, then sat him down and said, look I had sex with Irishcoffee. That was as a bit of shock but rocky rolled with it. Then surprisingly we still made sweet sweet love, well until the early hours of the morning. It was like we both needed nonverbal reassurance of our love, in the most powerful way possible. That me doing that with someone else didn't change what we have. And we just couldn't get enough of each other. It was tender beautiful frantic and amazing. So many emotions.

I recheduled my Pilates (uh oh two weeks in a row! I will need to do some here at Rockys on my own!) and am staying one more night with him. He has been processing a lot too. From a potential metamour, to my sexapades, to play/kink scene we have pushed a lot of boundaries. And for me it's deepened my love for him because we communicate even more, we cherish each other even more, and we allow each other that freedom we so desperately crave, but at the same time the unquenchable fountain of love we need too. We want it all, and we want it together and seprately. So much respect and love going on. And fun kinky times. So glad I am not working so I can just work on me and who I am, but I am getting a bit bored and wouldn't mind going back to uni or getting a job.

Ah well, such is life. :) I am in limbo for a while longer and that's ok.
The journey is fun!
 
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I am still very much processing th events of Sunday and Monday.

I have been home since yesterday, I got new glasses, new contacts and doing my best to enjoy my home which is quite triggery because of the personal issues going on. Plus I haven't really reclaimed it as mine after the girls moved out, and I am grieving them. I have lost some of my routines while going up and staying with Rocky so much. I must not get used to it as its idealised reality.

I am realising now that what I want with rocky is not going to happen. Things have been so good, but as his approach to moving in his home becomes apparent so do the issues of his 'two different worlds'. Especially since now that I am getting treated differently from other men, in a positive and inclusive way, it makes that problem more obvious.

Rocky mentioned in passing that he would have loved for me to see his new place but it isn't comepletely closed yet for sale. He also said verbatim "my friend and sister are out of town and I would have loved for you to visit because they wouldn't know you are here...oh wait the bell hop would."
I got really angry and forcefully said, I am not skulking like a teenager to see you, I have already said this before Rocky, you know this's.
He agreed and nodded saying he forgot, but I don't think he realises how insulting that is for me. I then reinforced this by saying, I am almost 30 not 13, I need no ones permission on who I date or sleep with, and I am no ones dirty secret

He dropped the issue then, but it is incredibly painful for me, and I realised this again today, when Leo texted me and asked lme to meet in London that he wanted to explain his disappearance a few weeks back and could we talk?

The reason it came up is because I told Leo I thought he operated out of fear, fear of practicing poly openly, fear of getting close to me, and also fear of me being part of his world.

He said I should kick to the curb, himself included, if a man did not want to take me home.

It also came up again with my other date this week with Trip. Trip told me on our last date he would love for me to meet his family in the future.

As I become more and more fearless, the more I want to be in Rockys world. But I also know as long as he holds on to fear, I will never have the life partnership I want with him. he has told me again and again he cannot give me what I want. But I have not listened, and I thought love from him was enough. I was wrong though. I want the ladder with him. Not wnessecarily kids, but I do want to live with him one day, and make some sort of open world commitment to each other. I have not ever felt as powerfully for anyone as I do Rocky, this is why I keep putting up with this bad behaviour that otherwise I would stop.

I don't want to give up hope but I hate feeling like I am pulling him along something he clearly doesn't want. That old fear is creeping back up. Maybe I will just keep to myself for a week or two, I am tired of fighting, those who want me will make an effort to include me in their life not as some dirty secret. Openly, and authentically. I am tired of pretending to fit in, and tired of caring what others think.

I shall sleep with whoever I want, whenever. From this point on Rocky is not my primary, I am anarchist solo poly, with a few tentative dating prospects and one open relationship. and none of the men I date get to dictate whose lips I kiss or what I do with my body and time. If I decide to have someone in my life long term, then I will revisit this. This longing for rocky and me is unrealistic. What is realistic, is that in one month he moves into his own place, and I find out if I have the girls or not, and if I go overseas by myself or with them for three months. Everything else is a bit of fun. And if a serious relationship (or more) develops, then wonderful, and if not that's ok too.

Not all of them have to prescribe to this, but I want at least one person in my life who does, or will eventually. This longing to wake up every morning next to rocky is unrealistic when he moves to his new place. It's also painful as fuck when he says he thinks we are getting obsessed with each other just because I have stayed with him quite a lot recently. Now I have to dance back again because of this. I really will not see him for two weeks if that's what it takes. I would love to talk about this openly but he dances around the subject, when I asked him directly if he felt he was obsessed with me, and when I asked him directly if he thought I was obsessed with him. Gr.

I will definitely be revisiting that conversation. In the meantime I have filled up my schedule with Pilates and friends and court stuff and other things. I can go a few days with out communication, I know when he starts feeling neglected he'll search me out, but I am not chasing him down right now.
 
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So, I am angry and frustrated. I don't know what's going on with me this month but I feel so pissed off, and angry. Maybe in processing the play kink stuff and the stuff Rocky said, I am just feeling quite vulnerable. I have been eating a lot of junk food I don't normally eat, and generally moping at my house. When faced with this space and feeling so empty...my home doesn't feel like a home anymore. It is not worth anything without my girls in it. I miss them so much.

I am also generally pissed off with some things in my life, such as my career and lack thereof of any sort of stability in myself. I haven't rescheduled my appointment which I need to do because I just need someone to work with to help me right now move towards my goals in life. It's been bit of a polava. I must be PMSing because my hormones are crazy right now!

I need a good nights rest and to clean my home. I am seeing my daughters, and friends tomorrow and going to park. It will be good. One day at a time, I am honouring my feelings of sadness rage and frustration one breathe at a time and one moment at a time.

I had a really good long chat with Trip tonight. I opened up a bit about things and it was nice to get it off my chest. I felt much better. I am really looking forward to Monday :) he is a very calm stable and kind presence, and I appreciate his inner serenity. Plus cuddles and kisses with him are lovely.

Leo and I tentatively rescheduled for Friday next weekend, I say tentative because I won't hold my breathe.

Things tapered off with potential LDR old friend as he simply became non-contactable. and i realised why we aren't closer friends is the same reason why we won't be anything more, he has very little interest in me actually and much more about rambling off his life to someone. A wall will do the same job I am sure.
 
So in processing the play/kink event and also my own play session I can say right now BDSM submissive stuff is not for me, except the light stuff like, spanking etc. this is because of the damage from past childhood abuse, my mind conflagrates submission with nonconsensual abuse on the subconscious level. The reason I know this is because of the depression/food binge hormonal craziness I have felt since this event with Irishcoffee and the subsequent non desire to ever play/have sex again with him...or to even talk to him. I know this detachment is my brain disassociating the experience to make me OK with it when I am not. I also know that if we had not crossed SEX with BDSM I wouldn't have 'broken' in my mind. I added too much at once, too many new at once. So now I am removing some of the triggers. I know that I already have quite enough on my plate.

The past year my two goals have been 1) listen, and 2) honour and speak my truth.

Speaking about truth, two simultaneous opposite occurrences happened on a similar subject with Rocky and I. On the same conversation today that I told him my boundary and reason (to come around to his less because of the fact I won't be able to visit his new place at all and I don't want to go cold turkey) he told me he had stood up to his current landlord about me and girls, in a male boundary rage. My girls for the record have only visited twice ever, and only for a grand total of three hours.

It's difficult to give context to this situation but it's a situation where basically the same problem has happened again and again, where it comes a time for him to stand beside me or not, and if it includes other people sometimes that has been not. This time he said, yes I will stand by Starlight1 and his actions showed it. I was super proud. And I felt horribly guilty he was telling me this right after I had said to him I wanted to come around less because of the whole issue of not being allowed at his new place for quite some time.

So we discussed options and we're going to sit and make a game plan that is a compromise. Maybe something along the lines of a timeline for when I am allowed, etc. it will be good if I do go away for three months as it will give him time to adjust to new place with out me worrying about being a part of it.

We did reassurances ,once I had processed all those feelings from last post, that we both mutually want to make this work. We do love each other and we're going to keep trying. I can't stand when I get so angry and sad like that and can't find the cause or submerge it. I am doing better with self kindness and sitting with the emotion helps.

He was totally respectful saying he understands and wants to stand up for me and girls more often. That he never meant for me to feel like a second class citizen...:eek::eek:

I came away from that so proud of both of us. And whenever we build trust good communication understanding it helps to make us both feel loved, heard, valid, and good about ourselves. Speaking my truth has helped me love myself more, and finding a way to do that in a kind and gentle way is awesome. Now to be kind to my self at home when I have sooo much guilt over myself with girls.

Time for the counsellor again. That one is bigger than I can address on my own.
 
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Tonight I have a date with Trip, we're going to eat, then a swing club. Very exciting! I am planning this one so he is going to be surprised :)

I haven't found a place to eat yet I am checking some areas near the club.
:D trip is so sweet and handsome, he's the slow gentle feeling of warmth and comfort. I like his vibe, and he has a lot going on at once in his brain, it reminds me a lot of me, and I like the difference from other people who do not think through problems or ideas as much as that. Each style has its own unique perks, neither better than the other just different. And difference makes poly all the more sweet. :)

Today the day is warm enough to Throw open my windows and clear the house out, and clean. It's awesome. I am sticking close to home for day times most of this week because I need to catch up on my home and reorganise as well dust etc. I still have to tackle the oven to clean as well!

I wish I could get all the guys over to help out haha, would be nice to have a second pair of hands at least. Sigh.

On the weekend I am taking girls swimming at ale insure centre. That will be fun.

And on Thursday rocky sends the night at mine. Friday is possibly Leo on Friday, we texted back and forth last night so he is keeping in contact this time, good sign. I also meet up with some poly women this week, this IOS awesome, this happens fairly,regularly for me, so yay female friends.

I also had a nice long chat with Honour my aunt who is back from Mediterranean cruise, and also the LDR from west coast USA. I originally called him JJ on here but decided I like to give him new nickname...I am thinking Luke.

The other possible LDR I was referring to in previous post was a UK friend, but as I said that isn't going anywhere. The LDR one I. USA won't go much anywhere for awhile, but might meet up in sept/October. And possibly he will fly out in future. I don't normally take on LDRs. And I wouldn't if mono, but being poly means I can if I like. :) plus he is poly too, and has a live in romantic partner and this gives us both a bit of, harmless escapism and fun occasionally. (Once a week skyping atm).
 
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I had such a great date night! trip is like a calming soothing balm to my heart. I get butterflies and chemistry, but it's more like it's just the slow build of heat over time. It's wonderful. We touched, talked, shared, smiled, laughed, and enjoyed each other's present in the moment. I even convinced him to dance with me, which was lovely.

The club with live music was awesome! We made out a lot, and the people were really friendly. It was a local joint with retro feels and less than twenty people so a quiet spot in the middle of city. Very cool. We hit the gastro pub on the way back to train station, the same one we first went to. we stayed in each a other company until after midnight. I got to wear my lovely summer dress from last summer that is huge on me now haha, (now looks more like a flappers dress!) and my black lace stilettos, and it's awesome. He's so much taller than me I can wear my stilettos with out any problem. Next time will be my beige stilettos, and plunge summer dress. I am freeing my inner slut goddess haha, I love showing off my body now after all the hard work I have been doing on my body with body positivity and weight loss. It's fun to be able to fit in clothes that I haven't worn since a teen.

I tried confirming plans with Leo yesterday about Friday but heard nothing, so making plans with Trip as he asked me out in advance. Even rocky is getting in on ahead of time scheduling. So things are good. Two amazing handsome smart men, who are totally different but freaking awesome because of them. Man I am freaking lucky!! I can't believe I am finally having a third date. I am so happy! Happy dance.

I also heard from Ria today and we're going to meet up soon, maybe go dancing together :)

Slowly slowly I am building up a support network of friends and people I can consider like family in my life. :)
 
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Amazing conversation with rocky. My enthusiastic willingness to be authentically me and to give zero fucks to what others think is really causing some intense and delicious conversations on the subjects at hand that are slightly problematic. I am now asking the right questions. Instead of...why have you hidden me from xyz, it's now, why do you feel the need to hide anything from the people you claim are closest to you, especially people like his best friend??

I am even giving zero fucks what social workers think of me anymore. I have already faced the worst they can ever do to me, and I am fighting back, and if the worst case senecio happens and I don't win the girls back...well then, I at least know I did everything humanly possible while still being a decent loving human being. My only focus is making sure I keep those girls safe, but if people don't believe me, and don't help all I can do is cross reference, refute, fight, and keep shouting my voice out loud. I won't be silenced against abuse or my truth. Even if I don't win them back I will give them the gift of always believing them, and always honouring their voice and shouting it to the roof tops. And I will never stop fighting for them. I just wish I could stop fighting, some days, when it gets to hard, I wish I could put the gloves down. Maybe some day soon.

Anyway, back to poly land, which I know starting relationships right now is very time consuming, however, I have let that man dictate the better part of a decade by not having long term serious relationships. It might not be perfect right now, but it's doable and I am definitely more stable and healthier. I am owning my alone time, revelling in it. Still difficult to appreciate my home compeletely. But I am taking baby steps. And I am happy mostly as long as I don't dwell too much on the garbage.

I am also relearning how not verbally over tell or over trust, my verbal skills need work from years of working with professionals not friends. Different set of rules completely. Over share when meeting new people, not a good thing!
It's hard to make new friends though when you're not allowed to share your life because of confidentiality though haha. Makes things tricky.

I am heading into sleepy zone now and happy thoughts about trip. Mm really hope I can see him Friday, not 100% confirmed yet...but I will know by tomorrow afternoon so I can make back up plans. I just desire so badly to have peace in my outside life like I am learning to have on the inside. I know the hard work I am doing internally is paying off because I can see it in my weight, clothes, friend circle, and relationships. Baby steps and being kind to myself when it gets too hard to bear.
 
Lol I re read my last post, I sound like those nightmare mothers who complain loudly in a restaurant if their every need isn't met. Haha. This could not be farther from the truth. I am actually, just persistently and patiently and determinedly putting one foot in front of the other in direct opposition of SW opinion of me, the not giving a fuck, is more to do with me not taking what she thinks of me onboard internally, and having emotional meltdown.
I am more the stubborn silent type rather than shouting tantrum/tears type. In the past I was more tears inward self loathing type...now I am more, deal with one thing at a time and constantly keep emotions in check.

Kinda hard though when I am back from docs with third lot of antibiotics for infection. Doctor is suspecting possible kidney stones and wants me to go to and e. This couldn't be worse timing though. I have to be at contact saturday, And I have to be at court Tuesday. With the system here there's no way I could fit in the time between those two dates to get to and e, and deal with problem, especially if they find something because then they will keep me for surgery.

So, I am going to wait until after court and end of my prescription. He wanted to give me codeine for pain, but I am allergic to it. I didn't even ask for pain meds, but what a mess my body is in. I am going to take it as easy as possible over weekend.

Anyway onto poly stuff, I am still in contact with Leo, i am asking for rescheduling for the following weekend, but maybe not realistic if prioritising hospital visit/overnight stay.

I am still seeing Rocky regularly. He is dropping hints about coming abroad with me for part of my trip. That could be fun :) we are so affectionate. And when we make love...mm i have never been so tenderly loved. We shared our deepest secrets desires and feelings, my fears and anxiety of abandonment yesterday and grew even closer together.

We fell asleep in each a others arms, and rocky went with me to docs this morning. He is coming back this evening so possible overnight stay again. I think we're going to go out with a bang at his place he ends rent on next month. Provided I am not recovering from kidney madness. I really hope it's just a bad strain of resistant bacteria and not kidney stones.

I am really looking forward to seeing him again tonight :) things are more and more stable. He says he's not interested in looking for anyone else and he's happy with me being happy and if that means more than one person that's ok we'll work through it. We both acknowledged we had big things to overcome, both of us, but that we love the way we progress together, work together. We are truly a good team. :) a lot of all my fears of previous posts will be sorted in the near future. Probably by the time I am back from Overseas trip in November.

I am not happy to take it this slow, but i am confident he is working on it. He's always said he wants his own place first before he comes out to family about anything (meat eating included), so, that is just a matter of time. These things take years to work through, and he'll get there. He's worth the wait, and it's the only issue we have with us. Everything else is so fantastic! :D:D our expression of affection and love is similar, our humours are similar, our taste in music and shows similar, we like being active, but not too active. Yes life is good, and we're in a good place. And the sex is better than any I've ever had in my entire life. We are so compatible in values and desires. He really does value authenticity, and he has never rejected me ever for sleeping with anyone or treated me differently. We talked a lot about bdsm, and caring needs wants. I explained to him something that occurred to me with bdsm. I like bdsm because it works as an effective pain treatment for my ME. Bizarre as that sounds, the pain pleasure signals get all mixed up in my head and I get a surge of endorphins that help me cope with everything else pain related, rather than popping pills. Similar to a good work out :) which I suppose it could be. Definitely gets my heart racing.

I know he wanted to do this for me or try, and I said he didn't need to. I was happy to meet that need elsewhere and I didn't want to conflagerate my new experience of making love for the first time with bdsm for the first time. I want those to be separate things. My play partners I am not making love to, I am having sex, there's a big difference for me. I also know it's possible to have play partners you don't have sex with. That's ok too.

I am not sure if I can bridge the two items of bdsm and love making with the same person because of previous abuse, if I continue with bdsm at all, I'll need to keep it separate from rocky until I get a better handle on triggers etc. I don't know if I even want to combine both either, Or if that's even nessecary.
Anyway, food for thought. I was touched he wanted to try.
 
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Both rocky and I cancelled last night due to us both not feeling well. We tentatively rescheduled for today but not worried because I will be up that way tomorrow after seeing girls. Decided I'd like to "go out with a bang" (quite literally!) with rocky at his shared house accommodation just because of how rude they were about my girls. Rocky is totally ok with this naturally...lol

So I may be spending sat to Tuesday there for court, then go home on Tuesday night. We shall see, I will pack some stuff and have a discussion with Rocky tonight either in phone or in person.

It IS nice to have sex at my place though because no holds barred and total freedom :) :) I have to look at the positives of this mess.


I think I may go overseas sooner to sort out my aunts visa to live in UK with me for half a year at a time. I found out with my ticket won't cost much to change dates, and it means I can start working towards a support network configuration here in UK. If she comes out for half a year at time that would make my life considerably easier to deal with. So waiting to know next court date to do that. It's exciting to have some goal plans.

I am on second day of shark week and it's making all this mess more miserable for me, but I am still staying positive. The more I create family and love here the easier it is for me to cope.

Ohh I spoke to gale today and him and siren are coming along to the next alternative kinky play event with me and Rocky :D I am so excited about this. They are really awesome friends and I am so thrilled they are coming along. They also were interested in the poly meet out of curiosity as they fell into their situation without the same resources knowledge background of poly to draw from! So I will be the one in charge of organising that and letting everyone know when it happens next. Woo hoo! I think it happens once a month so very awesome.

Trip and I are tentatively making plans for Monday night. Depends on how I am feeling. We had a wonderful phone chat yesterday and he wants to take me on a mini vacation somewhere near by for a day or two in July...I am really excited about this! We just want to make sure his partner is all OK (wibble moments!). So I am staying cool as a cucumber and patient. We're looking at everything from wine tasting to boat trips to beach trip. ;) I found out we are 18 days apart by birthday, same year but 7,000 miles away...craziness! I really like him :D;)

Also tentative day plans on Monday irishcoffee, he's taking me out to central to show me a new place to easily get same day sexual health results for free ;) great stuff as its right near the train I take home. So that's perfect!

Two more things,

1) I told Rocky I am pretty serious about Trip, and he was cool with it and discussed his anxiety. Thanks to these forums I emailed him poly hell and other links. We have both already read ethical slut and more than two. And we opened up a lot of discussion between us :)

2) I decided to disable my okcupid account for awhile just because I am feeling pretty poly saturated and not interested in finding any more people at this time. Still hopeful about Ria from the kink scene, and also more interested in female companionship at this time more than anything. :) I am just waiting for her health and mine to clear up this last week.
 
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Thoughts on Leo:
Things have mellowed out as I hardly hear from him. I reckon he'll be an outside floating distant person, peripheral in nature rather than anything else. What I am looking for and what he's capable of right now at this time aren't compatible. I have dropped some texts and a phone call but no reply. I also can't do poly with someone who is crap at communication. Plus we have had some communication issues in person already too. I do really like the guy, but right now I am not willing to navigate someone who doesn't have their shit together.

Thoughts on Irishcoffee:
I am not sure what to make of this guy.
I like him, we have chemistry. BUT something is telling me no on a gut level. But, I still want to pursue as play partner. We need to discuss. I am going over to his this morning.

On a side note I hate when people say "I think too much." How would others feel if I constantly told them they think too little? I also prefer not to date people who think this about me, because it will become (and has in the past) a problem with communication style. I have never told anyone s/he thinks too much. And I have only met two people who ruminate over a problem or idea as much as I do, and verbalise it. 1) Leo, and 2) Trip.

Rocky teases me about timing and thinking, but not in a rude way, he says: let's not get your big brain cooking right now. All he means is, there's a time and a place to ruminate and middle of xyz (usually sexy times) isn't it. Lol. This is a totally appropriate time to say something about overthinking, and he uses it judiciously...he never makes fun of me actually thinking about things.

I would prefer being friends with benefits or play partners but not gf/bf or proper partners with Irishcoffee. He mentioned in passing wanting to get all his partners (me, and two other serious women) together once a month to talk/schedule ...but I felt uncomfortable being included in that without previous discussion. His dating style is very different from mine as I am more traditional and he has point blank said he wants to be a kept man. I am not interested in paying the way for a man. Halves sure, but most the time I have had to front the money for him to visit me. That's fine if he wants to do dating that way, but I don't think I want to. And it's less about my style and more about practicality. He and I both are not too well off at the moment and he lives in a part of town I don't frequent and so far it's only me making the effort to go there. So, I think things will naturally die down on their own.

I don't really know where I stand from his point of view, but I know how I feel from my point of view, and that's that I have no desire to have sex with him. Play yes, sex no. I will need to call and discuss.

On Trip: So far we are falling into naturally meeting every Monday, with possible second day of week happening in near future. This is exciting. We spoke last night on the phone, the more I discover about him the more I like him. :) He is an amazing person. I am starting to feel NRE butterflies and making sure I keep them in check for Rocky. I promised to leave by 930pm tonight as Rocky has early shift tomorrow and I don't want to disturb him. I let Trip know in advance, I set alarm on phone, and asked Rocky to text remind me too. Three reminders hopefully are enough! I told Trip I closed my OKC account to focus on getting to know him, and that I wasn't dodging him online. He didn't know I had done that yet as we hadn't met on OKC anyway, but was touched I had considered him that way. :)

Rocky: We're doing really well still. We hung out last night after work, sexy sexy play included. We made dinner, watched a show together, teased, talked, had a good time. We cleaned together and just enjoyed each other's company. Good stuff. I am really good at using outside NRE to fuel back at Rocky, so after phone call with Trip, I channelled into pleasing Rocky. Then we had an educational session later on : things I like and don't like sexually. We did this separate of sex, so he didn't feel rejected. We fell asleep in each other's arms, and I realised how I want to continuously fall in love with this man every day for the rest of my life. I told him this and we had a very sappy moment. :eek:

I feel like a special and lucky woman.

I haven't heard back from Ria yet...will see how that goes.
Meeting up with friend for coffee today too. Very fun :) looking forward to that!

I finally heard from Lily, she decided right now poly isn't for her and broke up with poly people she was involved in. This is ok and I am glad she let me know. I hope we can remain friends despite all this but I doubt it as she hasn't opened up about the break up and has treated me like an ex rather than friends even though we only went on a handful of dates and was never official.
 
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So I was more successful in timing to and from dates. :) I was only 15 mins late home, but I left on time, it just will need 1.5 hours travel next time.

Today is court :( really worried about it, but hanging in there.

The date last night was good. I have slight worry about how Rocky feels about it. I think there's still niggling trust problems with me and him after the doctor thing and so when I get really stressed I close up now. I haven't cried in front of him since around January about any of this. I want to be vulnerable but I am worried I will scare him away. It's blocking intimacy for me and I don't know what to do about it. Except leap back in and try?

I feel like we have been passing ships a bit since in time of the month, I have been wonky and really focused on Trip. I wanted tomake love to rocky, but he was too tired. Sigh. Plus he was in calm mellow place and I was in super charge mode. It's strange when I have more energy at times than him as it's usually the other way around. I think I am missing our mono days. I don't miss being stifled by it, but the pretence of security was nice. Although actually I think we're stronger now. I am definitely emotionally stronger, but now less likely to be vulnerable.

I just want to hold him today. I wonder if he'll be ok with me coming by after court?

The date was amazing, it usually is. Next time we're doing a day trip. I hated my meet up with Irishcoffee I had no desire to spend time with him. I was so angry and stressed around him because he kept ignoring what I wanted. And he thinks it's a challenge to change my mind on an opinion and stupid stuff too. Like wanting me to eat sugary things all the time. I can't stand when people push food on me, I work very hard at my body. I bought the item yesterday but gave it to Trip. And arguing with me that it's OK for the body. Whatever, I disagree stop pushing me to change my mind. GR one of my biggest pet peeves.
So yes, no more sexy times for me.

I was so glad to be with Trip. I sat down next to him, and sighed, feeling my whole body relax around him. It was beautiful. Even simple things with him are enjoyable in a way that I have not experienced with anyone except Rocky and my girls. We had dinner, then we did some shopping. I think that man would bring me the moon to me if he could. It's so very endearing.
We both established that we are pretty serious about each other, and very excited to keep seeing where it goes. I adore how tall he is, and he makes me laugh so much. I just feel so right with him, the world stops, it feels like time stops, which we are together and it's so good and nice. We both want to go somewhere (like a cottage in the woods) and stay there for a month, just enjoying each other. We are clearly physically compatible, but this is different, it's emotional, mental, spiritual, connection too. It's very soothing, exciting, happy and beautiful. We stood at the train station as the sun set, and the wind whipped around us, tossing my hair in the wind as he and I kissed. It was as if we both lost the ability to think or reason or anything except be in that moment. It was breathtaking. We both started shivering and not from the cold. I can't wait to see him this week. I hope we get to see each other again. :) if I hadn't dated Rocky I wouldn't be able to take this at the pace it needs for both of us to be comfortable. Yesterday he also opened up about personal things, and I listened respectively.

But mostly, I just want to lose myself in those moments of being with him, totally and intensely in the moment. Sigh. I am in NRE happy land...and more than that, I feel so indescribable with happiness. I feel like a queen who has the most amazing men in my life. I am the luckiest person in the world. I know it isn't always like this, but right now. All is good on relationship front. Very exciting. ;)
 
Well.

I really don't have the words. I can't go into a lot of it, confidentiality and all, but I do not have the kids. And they are moving out of city with father in August. I am understandably devastated. I have learned who I can count on, and who are the most amazing people in my life.

I really just can't go into any other items in my life right now as this one single area is consuming my thoughts and feelings today, and for the last three days. I have so many conflicting emotions and I have been dropped into the grieving process unexpectedly with great force, I am reeling with this new reality.

The final decisions was this, based on my long term health condition and lack of sufficient support network, I could not keep the girls.
 
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I finally cried in front of rocky. It was extremely powerful and heartbreaking. I am still working through the emotions.

I am so glad trip and rocky have been there for me. I started my new antidepressants the day after court and therapy again. I am making a note here to keep tabs on my progress as I need to see my doctor in three weeks time for update.
Sexual health tests came through clean.

Feel like I am on auto pilot. One day at a time, one moment at a time, just breathing. Just being.
 
I am in limbo of the self made kind right now.

I am aware that I am processing a huge change but also that I need to figure out the next chapter of my life.

University? job? Convalescence for a bit longer?

For now waiting being still and present in the emotions works. I am waiting for the shocked to wear off.
 
I come to this blog trying to find words today.

I guess I will just write about the relationships instead.

I have been going out with Trip and Rocky a lot in the last week.

I managed to be on time for both Rocky and Trip last Friday. I went up early to see Rocky and cuddle before work. Then I went up for lunch with Trip afterwards. I had a great time with both of them :)

Saturday was family time and Sunday was a lazy day for me.

Today I am out with Siren for most of the day, and tonight I have an art group I have started. It's good timing as I have been on a waiting list for 6 months. However it is interfering with Monday night with Trip.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with him in the park outside his office. We had a lovely conversation on phone last night. So much about him is so amazing to me. Very warm caring feelings going on inside me. I just want to treasure him and hold him.

Tuesday night to Wednesday is Rocky time, we're negotiating if we go out for a few hours or if he comes over to mine but leaves around 5 am the next morning.

I spoke to Lily again we're meeting up as platonic friends in a week or two, I need to confirm that. :)

Last Friday I also spent the afternoon with Irishcoffee. I told him sorry for being so angry, he asked when I was angry, and I had to explain the amount of triggers I had around him and also the food behaviour thing. He said he didn't realise that I was angry at all and if that he wouldn't do that in the future.
We clarified the platonic friends for now, leaving it open ended for later.

With our the stress of romantic trigger part I really got to know more about him and his life, and we had good fun laughing and spending time together :) It was easier this time, but I still found it harder than being around other people as I left around 5pm to go home.


I also spent time with friends down at local village, some previous clients turned friends and didnt get home until very late!
 
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