Well, I have to say, the results of the big family letter were surprising. It was...nothing at all.
I got only one response from my entire family, now almost a week later. I got one email from my father that read only "We love you Warman." and nothing more. I have to admit, it's not at all what I expected, and kind of frustrating. Worse, was a couple of hours after I sent the letter, I got a package from my mother for my birthday. I sent her a thank you letter, and she didn't respond to that either. *sigh*. Not really sure what I feel about it. I guess somewhat annoyed, and a little bit sad.
Friday night was a bit unhappy. Thursday night, I got a call from Monkey, asking me to drive her to a Halloween party Friday night. Previously, Bluebird and I had talked about going to a Halloween party that SATURDAY night. As far as I knew, that party wasn't happening, so I was surprised when Monkey asked me to take her there for Friday, and had to confirm that I was even invited. She said I was. It was too late to find a costume or anything, so I was just going to take her and hang out a bit. I didn't really want to go, but after we were going to just go to monkey's house and hang out a bit, and I've been missing her, so I wanted to do that at least. It did not even occur to me that I should mention it to Bluebird, because that was Darkknight's night, and she had told me previously how much she's been missing him, and how for once he was free Friday night. (We talked later about how I really haven't felt like *I* could change the schedule. For whatever reason I've kind of felt like I got what I got, and I shouldn't make a fuss about it, or try to get more than my fair share of time. If Bluebird wanted to make a change, that was up to her, she is the scheduler, and the one in high demand. Later she corrected me on this, and explained that I should feel free to request changes. I'm still not sure how I feel about this. I'd almost rather not ask, than ask with high hopes and be turned down...I don't want to do anything that would make me feel unimportant. Especially while I'm still working through some poly-related issues.)
When I told Bluebird however, she got really upset. At first I had NO idea why she was upset, and she didn't want to discuss it with me. I finally dragged out of her that she was unhappy because she thought that I had deliberately kept plans for the party to myself, because she wasn't welcome there, or maybe because I just wanted to go with Monkey? It took quite a while, but I was finally able to explain to her the real situation. She still wasn't happy, but seemed to calm down. At that point, she was upset enough, and I was too, that I didn't go to the party (Monkey ended up not needing a ride anyway) and I ended up going over to Bluebird's house to talk about it. This of course, upset Monkey, because she was looking forward to hanging out with me and I ditched her at the last minute, which made ME feel bad too. The part that upset me the most about it all was that Bluebird was angry, I had no idea why, and she wouldn't communicate with me about it! Initially at least, she was pretty mad that I wasn't willing to just walk away and accept that she wasn't speaking to me for the rest of the night, without at least some explanation of why. That is a huge pet peeve of mine. If you're mad, be mad at me, but tell me why you're mad and listen to my response at least a little bit. Refusing to communicate just isn't an acceptable option to me. There's so much room for error when you don't talk! In the end, there really wasn't much to be mad about, but if I had just walked away, it could have blossomed into this huge problem. I'm glad it didn't, although, I ended up paying for it with Monkey.
I've been feeling kind of bad about Monkey lately. Chapter 5 of "More than Two" talks about integrity, which it defines basically as "walk what you talk". I've broken too many appointments with her lately, and I don't feel good about it. I'm going to start having to bite the bullet and not. Besides. I miss her.
So, thankfully, that having been resolved on Friday, on Saturday morning early, Bluebird and I went out and took a walking tour of the town she's looking at moving to. It was only an hour away, and was a pleasant drive. Once we got there, we ate a nice meal, then went walking downtown. It was really nice to just walk around with Bluebird and make jokes, flirt and kiss now and then while holding hands and walking around. After we finished touring all the quaint little shops downtown, we drove around town looking at various houses in her price range. Overall, Bluebird was very encouraged by the visit, and it left her feeling happy and and hopeful for the future. I'm sure she'll go back a few times in future days with the other boys to see what they think.
I personally have a few reservations about the town, but overall, I'm sure I'll be happy if Bluebird is there. My main concern is being far from my friends. For Bluebird, her friends seem to be wherever she is. She made several friends just in the time we were walking around town. If we move out there, I will really miss my friends. I'm also concerned about there being enough to do out there. Right now, all of us are fairly involved in the local gamer community. I worry that there might not be enough of a social scene there. The only other activity I really like (seeing the occasional movie) I doubt I will want to do in the local theaters there. I really love Hagerstown's theater. Overall, however, these are fairly minor concerns. I love Bluebird, if she's there, I'm sure I will be happy. Hopefully Monkey will only be about and hour away, which is far for me, but not un-doable.
We came back, had a nice dinner, and went to bed. Sadly, Bluebird's girly bits are somewhat damaged (apparently my fault?) So our activities were curtailed to a major degree, though we still managed some fun.
Overall, it was a really nice weekend spent with Bluebird. Nothing too heavy, all crisis more or less diverted with minimal to no upset. I dropped her off today feeling happy and light.
Tonight I went over and hung out with Monkey a bit. She was clearly feeling hurt and unhappy. I tried hard to show her as much love as I could, as much as she would let me, but I left feeling sad about how far our friendship has fallen lately. I really wish I could have my best friend and my new love as well, and have them both happy and in my life as much as I'd like. There is a little...caution and some minor...suspicion on both Bluebird's and Monkey's parts towards one another (Mostly Monkey). It's really stressful because I really do love them both and missed them when I was away in New Mexico. I just wish I could make us all a happy family together. I love Bluebird, and I will choose her if I have to, but I really hope that I won't have to choose. I keep fighting not to have to choose.
OK, I'm way late to bed, I gotta go. Tonight I'm pretty tired and this has all be pretty Stream-of-consciousness, so if anyone objects to anything, just let me know and I'll probably agree with you in the morning.
Goodnight.