I previously responded to a few threads on here started by my husband "Lysander." To summarize for those who weren't following, my husband has come to the conclusion that he is poly. I am mono, and this is not going to change. Therefore, I've expressed to my husband that I cannot be in a poly marriage. If necessary, I will divorce him but with great regret and personal sadness.
While I thought the poly discussion was temporarily tabled, we enjoyed a wonderful family vacation with our kids. Things were going well (or so I thought).
About a week ago, my father collapsed and almost died. He was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery on Monday. It has been incredibly stressful on me. My 7 year old saw my father collapse and bleed out several pints of blood. (We are a close family, and we love my father very much.)
Less than 24 hours after surgery, "Lysander" posted a dinner on our family's shared Google calendar. The title was "Poly Dinner." He wanted to make sure I would be home from the hospital so he could attend. I had NO idea he had taken the step of taking to people "in real life" as opposed to just online. He said I was welcome to come because it might help me accept his poly.
While I could understand interaction with people on an anonymous forum, this dinner is with other people in our local area. He did not say he wants a divorce and claims to "love me." He thinks it's "crazy" that I'm hurt by this step.
I feel that this is a form of emotional abuse with the intention of pushing me to file for divorce (and thus be the "bad guy" to our children) or otherwise to use my emotional weakness at this time to get me to consent to poly.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be the good guy and loved by his children and yet have freedom to explore. I feel that it is a lack of character and courage to do this while in a marriage with someone mono. If you want to be poly, have the integrity to say so. Don't try to test it while asking the mono person to hang around in case you fail or find it isn't what makes you happy.
"Lysander" is not an easy person to be married to. He was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and can be very critical. He is not emotionally supportive. For example, his response to my tears about my father was "well everyone had a 100% chance of dying eventually" and "dying at 69 surrounded by family is not a tragedy." On a previous thread, he admitted he was mainly interested in the sexual part of polyamory. He is not someone who wants to go on dates or provide emotional support.
Is it normal to ask your mono partner to wait around while you explore poly after they say they don't want a poly relationship? If you came out to your mono partner or ended a relationship, did you do it AFTER you had entered a sexual/poly relationship or BEFORE? How did they react? Is this type of behavior the norm for poly or am I just married to someone who is handling this in an emotionally abusive way?
If he wanted to hurt me, I would have preferred physical abuse to this ongoing level of emotional torment. At least then it would be easier to explain to my family and friends who cannot comprehend the idea that a man would ask his wife of 15 years for permission to enter a poly relationship and continue to pursue the issue though groups like this and now an in person group in an attempt to convince her she should be supportive.
Also, am I wrong in thinking that poly women would still expect w man to be emotionally supportive? I truly think Lysander thinks poly is free sex without all the pesky emotional stuff in a marriage.
While I thought the poly discussion was temporarily tabled, we enjoyed a wonderful family vacation with our kids. Things were going well (or so I thought).
About a week ago, my father collapsed and almost died. He was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery on Monday. It has been incredibly stressful on me. My 7 year old saw my father collapse and bleed out several pints of blood. (We are a close family, and we love my father very much.)
Less than 24 hours after surgery, "Lysander" posted a dinner on our family's shared Google calendar. The title was "Poly Dinner." He wanted to make sure I would be home from the hospital so he could attend. I had NO idea he had taken the step of taking to people "in real life" as opposed to just online. He said I was welcome to come because it might help me accept his poly.
While I could understand interaction with people on an anonymous forum, this dinner is with other people in our local area. He did not say he wants a divorce and claims to "love me." He thinks it's "crazy" that I'm hurt by this step.
I feel that this is a form of emotional abuse with the intention of pushing me to file for divorce (and thus be the "bad guy" to our children) or otherwise to use my emotional weakness at this time to get me to consent to poly.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be the good guy and loved by his children and yet have freedom to explore. I feel that it is a lack of character and courage to do this while in a marriage with someone mono. If you want to be poly, have the integrity to say so. Don't try to test it while asking the mono person to hang around in case you fail or find it isn't what makes you happy.
"Lysander" is not an easy person to be married to. He was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and can be very critical. He is not emotionally supportive. For example, his response to my tears about my father was "well everyone had a 100% chance of dying eventually" and "dying at 69 surrounded by family is not a tragedy." On a previous thread, he admitted he was mainly interested in the sexual part of polyamory. He is not someone who wants to go on dates or provide emotional support.
Is it normal to ask your mono partner to wait around while you explore poly after they say they don't want a poly relationship? If you came out to your mono partner or ended a relationship, did you do it AFTER you had entered a sexual/poly relationship or BEFORE? How did they react? Is this type of behavior the norm for poly or am I just married to someone who is handling this in an emotionally abusive way?
If he wanted to hurt me, I would have preferred physical abuse to this ongoing level of emotional torment. At least then it would be easier to explain to my family and friends who cannot comprehend the idea that a man would ask his wife of 15 years for permission to enter a poly relationship and continue to pursue the issue though groups like this and now an in person group in an attempt to convince her she should be supportive.
Also, am I wrong in thinking that poly women would still expect w man to be emotionally supportive? I truly think Lysander thinks poly is free sex without all the pesky emotional stuff in a marriage.