Self-Confidence Success Stories

Arius

New member
I'm trying to build my self-confidence. Currently working my way through a David D. Burns book. I'm feeling a real lack of faith right now that, after a lifetime of emotional abuse and ostracism, I can ever change and become the person I want to be. It just seems hopelessly unachievable.

Does anybody out there have any self-confidence success stories?

And if you do, how did you get there?

Thanks,
Arius
 
Hi Arius,

I have two thoughts, one is that it is smart to see a therapist for this sort of thing. Two is that it helps to work on small successes first, gradually moving up to larger successes. I may have other thoughts later on. I don't have that much self-confidence myself, so, take my post here with a grain of salt.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yes, I do! :)
I've worked my way through from a depressed, anxious and dependent mindset from 6 years ago into a still quite anxious, but independent and more and more self-expressive.

Therapy has helped with my inability to recognize emotions, which played a major part in my depression and my feeling of un-groundedness (and lack of confidence) in life.

Falling in love and receiving the appreciation of my partners did help me believe that I am lovable as I am.

The shock of having to deal with polyamory and my parents' disapproval taught me to stand behind my opinions much firmer. Reading on this forum helped with the background around boundaries.

Completing my degree and doing my first scientific work helped me feel at least a bit confident at work ... still quite shaky there.

Tantra was most effective in transforming my self-image. There's something to be said for acknowledging the divine in yourself and other people.

Personal development helped me get the right mindsets and realize all the possibilities.
(These websides, I believe, are good general sources: https://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-stop-being-a-victim , https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck)

There's still a long way to go, but the overall tendency is undoubtedly upwards :)

P.S. A while ago I started a thread about positive change, it could use some revival, share your advances :).
 
Kevin, thanks for your advice. I do intend to see a therapist again and will talk to my doctor about it next time I am there.

Tinwen, thank you for sharing your experiences and those resources. I will check them out.
 
I've found that the quickest way to self-confidence is to quit worrying about what others think of you.
 
I'm trying to build my self-confidence. Currently working my way through a David D. Burns book. I'm feeling a real lack of faith right now that, after a lifetime of emotional abuse and ostracism, I can ever change and become the person I want to be. It just seems hopelessly unachievable.

Does anybody out there have any self-confidence success stories?

And if you do, how did you get there?

Thanks,
Arius

I was raised in a traditional Indian household, where women are conditioned to be seen and not heard kind of thing. Asserting autonomy is "bad character". I was allegedly a "rebel", but not as much as people thought. I evaded (still do) objections and rebelled only as much as necessary to follow my goals. I found it hard to say "no" when directly requested and was basically a nice doormat. I married at the age of 18 to escape an emotionally abusive father because my world view was that girls leave their parental homes to enter their marital homes.

Today I kick butt and take names (24 years later). I am free to be exactly myself and don't recall the last time I fell short of confidence to be assertive in any situation and say exactly what I think - nice or not. You may read my posts here too.

The road from there to here was paved with a hell of a lot of life experiences where terrified but determined, I kept pushing my boundaries. One day a point came where I KNEW that I was all I needed approval from. At least for me, the lack of confidence was basically a fear of rejection or lack of approval. As life experience made me more capable and competent, it vanished.

This isn't a guarantee, just saying it is possible and to keep pushing your boundaries if you really want to be rid of that handicap. I'd say it isn't hard, and it really isn't. Lack of confidence vanishes automatically once you start believing in your competence. Problem is that the experiences that give you the competence can be brutal. But you're usually too busy dealing with them, so it sort of works out.

Roadmap that worked for me: Follow your desires, go over/under/around/through whatever gets in the way.
 
Arius: Is there a specific area where you're right now being pushed by life to "work on your confidence"?
 
Arius: Is there a specific area where you're right now being pushed by life to "work on your confidence"?

It's pretty general.

If I had to boil it down, I think I'd say that I want to be a more Take Charge sort of person who people respect and look up to. It's a social dynamic.

My partner always says no when I suggest we do something, but when more confident men suggest something, she jumps right on board. I want that.
 
That can be a matter of language - Knight and I have this problem a lot. He asks things in a way that doesn't say what he wants to do - asking whether I would like something, or saying "we could do X". To me, that doesn't sound like a request, that sounds like conversation. If he *clearly* states "I want to do X", I'm far more likely to do it.

(A lot of people get into that sort of hesitant language pattern either because they're scared of rejection or because they're trying to be "nice". This is good to an extent, as it DOES give other people more space to acquiesce to or decline an activity, but it clearly can backfire.)
 
That can be a matter of language - Knight and I have this problem a lot. He asks things in a way that doesn't say what he wants to do - asking whether I would like something, or saying "we could do X". To me, that doesn't sound like a request, that sounds like conversation. If he *clearly* states "I want to do X", I'm far more likely to do it.

(A lot of people get into that sort of hesitant language pattern either because they're scared of rejection or because they're trying to be "nice". This is good to an extent, as it DOES give other people more space to acquiesce to or decline an activity, but it clearly can backfire.)

That's helpful.

I do think it's a two-way street. I only have this problem with certain people. Some people are more than eager to jump on board and say "yes" when I ask if they want to do something. Others need to be coerced or convinced for some reason, and I think that comes down to a) not knowing what they want, and b) surrendering autonomy by handing all decision-making responsibilities over to someone else who SOUNDS like they know what's best (ie uses more assertive language, acts dominant, etc).

But I can make sure I'm doing my half by being more assertive about what I want.That feels like a concrete thing I can work on.
 
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