Hi Al99, kdt. Nice to meet you. I have read through most of the posts before i joined. Very helpful. My problem is i have a hard time seeing myself in other's situations. It could be my life to a tee, but i wouldnt see it. Lol.
Im sorry, but this is long and probavly boring, but it gives a good history and details. Besides, im a nurse, and details are in my blood. Haha.
Well, this whole thing started as an ongoing joke. Women are drawn to him. He is charismatic, has a GREAT personality and sense of humor, VERY good looking, sensitive, and basically all around irresistible. No bias there, either. They have ALWAYS flirted with him, even in front of me. Because of ongoing severe sexual trauma during my childhood, I am very closed. I don't like new stuff, I'm very routine based on comfort levels, etc. One day he was telling me about one of the newest women to flirt with him, and out of the blue, I just said go for it. I figured that since I was the way I am, it wasn't fair for him to be confined to just that in his life. He didn't, of course, and maintained only a casual friendship. We did a LOT of talking, and got him to realize that I was serious. I felt very bad about it, and have for 20 years. I trust him more than I trust myself. I made innocent remarks about "his gf", and we'd laugh, or I'd say I really don't undestand why you havent.....you aren't cheating, becuz I know about it. He still felt like he was.
One day, I came home from work, after a day of off and on arguing, and he was extremely nice. He told me he decided to do wut I sed, and go for it. I kept my cool, but made it clear that since we weren't 100% getting along, that it would NEVER happen under those circumstances again. He felt very guilty, as he could see I was hurt terribly by it. Since we knew now where it was going to progress, we established some agreements.....and 1 absolutely unbreakable deal breaking non negotiable rule. And that's only becuz I hold it sacred, for lack of a better word.
He is completely happy with consensual non monogamy, and I'm so so with it. It is strictly a FWB deal...well, supposed to be. We tried for a minute the DADT thing, but I couldn't handle it. I felt very out of the loop, kinda lied to, constantly anxious....very unhappy never knowing anything. We decided that he will tell me when he's going, as he does go to her house sometimes just to talk, or hang out....and he will also tell me when the "other stuff" goes on. No details of course. Just knowing that is hard enough. He has a very hard time admitting it to me, cuz he knows it hurts me, and he feels guilty about being with another woman, even if it's known by me. He is always afraid of hurting me, even if not on purpose.
There is no desire at this point of polyamory. At least, not on our part. She has since changed her mind on that part. This was also discussed as a possibility, as was the chance of his development of feelings towards her. He says that if he was looking for that, it may be different, but I have his whole heart for my whole life, and nobody else ever could. We agreed to talk about it if that ever changed.
I guess rite now, there have been things that have made it even harder for me to process. I can logically understand the whole poly thing. But my heart and emotions can't. I struggle with a lot of things....SEVERE jealousy, anxiety, etc. The whole spectrum. Though I realized where the jealousy stems from, this is still one of the most difficult thing to take in. I truly want him to enjoy sex, and I know he can't do that completely with me. And even though this whole thing has its benefits for me/us, I'm still having a very hard time given these new developments, so to say.
I know it will get better with time and exposure....I just wish there was a time frame.