New and afraid in Ohio.

Mono4life

New member
Hi everyone. Been reading a lot of great info here. You are all so informative, and us new to this world are appreciative.
I am a 40 yrs old F, my husband is 42. We have 3 boys, the oldest of which is 21 and in the Marines and out on his own. He is also the daddy to my gorgeous 5 month old granddaughter. Our others are just 18 and 15.
I will admit, there is no polyamory involved in our situation (not by definition, and not as of yet), but he is non mono with no desire or plans to fall in love with anyone but me, and as u can guess, I am COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY mono.
I joined to look for support, advice, etc. on how to navigate this ever so difficult setup. I struggle terribly at times. As does he. I look forward to talking to you in the near future, and thank u again for your support and advice.
 
Hi Mono4life - I've only been here a couple of months myself - and new to poly as well, but have found everyone to be very welcoming and helpful - with lots of sound advice and good information.

It sounds like your husband wants some type of non-monogamy - but yet has no plans to fall in love with anyone else. What is the situation that you and he envision? Polyamory, by definition, entails emotional relationships - otherwise it may be consensual non-monogamy but it is different than poly - which is ok if that works for you and him. Is more about a need for sexual variety? - then perhaps DADT (Don't Ask - Don't Tell) will work - although, as I've posted elsewhere - that would drive me nuts. Perhaps some form of swinging? Regardless, I am sure there are folks here who could advise you - but some clarification would probably help.

My wife asked me to open our marriage a couple of months ago so that she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college bf. After much discussion and processing, I agreed (see my signature link below for details), and things are going reasonably well so far after a couple of months - not without a few speed bumps, of course. Our deal is poly - knowledge and consent of all involved - and with committed emotional relationships involved (my wife and I, and my wife and her bf - a "V" with her as the hinge and her boys as the legs of the "V"). Accepting that my wife has a bf (with overnights and sex) was not the easiest thing for me to deal with - but we developed some ideas - which I would be happy to share if they apply.

Again, welcome! Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Best,

Al
 
Greetings Mono4life,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Franklin Veaux's Mono/Poly Pages may be helpful to you, have a look and see if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi Al99, kdt. Nice to meet you. I have read through most of the posts before i joined. Very helpful. My problem is i have a hard time seeing myself in other's situations. It could be my life to a tee, but i wouldnt see it. Lol.
Im sorry, but this is long and probavly boring, but it gives a good history and details. Besides, im a nurse, and details are in my blood. Haha.
Well, this whole thing started as an ongoing joke. Women are drawn to him. He is charismatic, has a GREAT personality and sense of humor, VERY good looking, sensitive, and basically all around irresistible. No bias there, either. They have ALWAYS flirted with him, even in front of me. Because of ongoing severe sexual trauma during my childhood, I am very closed. I don't like new stuff, I'm very routine based on comfort levels, etc. One day he was telling me about one of the newest women to flirt with him, and out of the blue, I just said go for it. I figured that since I was the way I am, it wasn't fair for him to be confined to just that in his life. He didn't, of course, and maintained only a casual friendship. We did a LOT of talking, and got him to realize that I was serious. I felt very bad about it, and have for 20 years. I trust him more than I trust myself. I made innocent remarks about "his gf", and we'd laugh, or I'd say I really don't undestand why you havent.....you aren't cheating, becuz I know about it. He still felt like he was.
One day, I came home from work, after a day of off and on arguing, and he was extremely nice. He told me he decided to do wut I sed, and go for it. I kept my cool, but made it clear that since we weren't 100% getting along, that it would NEVER happen under those circumstances again. He felt very guilty, as he could see I was hurt terribly by it. Since we knew now where it was going to progress, we established some agreements.....and 1 absolutely unbreakable deal breaking non negotiable rule. And that's only becuz I hold it sacred, for lack of a better word.
He is completely happy with consensual non monogamy, and I'm so so with it. It is strictly a FWB deal...well, supposed to be. We tried for a minute the DADT thing, but I couldn't handle it. I felt very out of the loop, kinda lied to, constantly anxious....very unhappy never knowing anything. We decided that he will tell me when he's going, as he does go to her house sometimes just to talk, or hang out....and he will also tell me when the "other stuff" goes on. No details of course. Just knowing that is hard enough. He has a very hard time admitting it to me, cuz he knows it hurts me, and he feels guilty about being with another woman, even if it's known by me. He is always afraid of hurting me, even if not on purpose.
There is no desire at this point of polyamory. At least, not on our part. She has since changed her mind on that part. This was also discussed as a possibility, as was the chance of his development of feelings towards her. He says that if he was looking for that, it may be different, but I have his whole heart for my whole life, and nobody else ever could. We agreed to talk about it if that ever changed.
I guess rite now, there have been things that have made it even harder for me to process. I can logically understand the whole poly thing. But my heart and emotions can't. I struggle with a lot of things....SEVERE jealousy, anxiety, etc. The whole spectrum. Though I realized where the jealousy stems from, this is still one of the most difficult thing to take in. I truly want him to enjoy sex, and I know he can't do that completely with me. And even though this whole thing has its benefits for me/us, I'm still having a very hard time given these new developments, so to say.
I know it will get better with time and exposure....I just wish there was a time frame.
 
I don't understand why you were so relaxed about thinking of him with other women for so many years, and yet, when he finally took you up on it, you got all angry and tense.

This seems to be headed for a crash.

By the way, this is a board for polyamory, and what you are describing is supposed to be NSA, no love, sex only, kinds of relationships. But you can't prevent love from happening, you know. It has a way of sneaking up on people, especially if the sex is good. And you say he goes to his OSO's place just to talk and hang out. So it's not sex only. There is friendship there. It could morph into romantic feelings, no matter your husband's intent to keep it light and casual.

I'd say you need to come to terms with that possibility. Sure, the gf can remains a "secondary" if she's cool with that, but again, you can't prevent love.

I'm sorry it's hard for you. You've got a hunk on your hands, and you chose to let him explore this, but you seem to be having serious second thoughts. Take time to explore what you'd like from him as reassurance your role in his life is safe. I know nurses often take better care of others than they do of themselves. Good open or poly relationships require we be our own primaries first, have self awareness, an ability to advocate for our own needs and desires, and excellent respectful clear communication skills.

Your h obviously feels terrible that you are struggling... let him care for you.
 
Mono4life,

Thanks for sharing with the Forum - I hope to contribute more to the conversation a bit later - although business concerns call at the moment. Right now, I will only suggest that you remember the three laws of polyamory - communicate, communicate, communicate. It sounds like you and he are doing that already -but it can't be understated - it was a big key in helping me adjust to the poly concept.

Btw, what does "kdt" stand for? I don't believe I've seen that one before. :)

Hope you have a great day,

Al!
 
... what does "kdt" stand for?

kdt is Kevin, the other guy that posted on this thread, our Official Greeter! lol
 
kdt is Kevin, the other guy that posted on this thread, our Official Greeter! lol

Thanks, Madglyn,

I missed it without the numbers - thought it was some new Internet acronym that I had missed! :)

Al
 
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