Ok, I am jealous and probably overreacting. How do I navigate this one?

scarletzinnia

New member
So I got bit by the green-eyed monster really bad today, even though there really isn't anything to be jealous of, yet.

I am in a very long-term marriage with a man I adore and we have children together. I also love my OSO, whom I have been seeing for about a year. He's kind, caring, low drama, I get along great with his wife, love his kids, and the sex, at least for me, is off the charts. I typically see him one weekend a month, not usually the whole weekend, so time with him is precious for me. He is nine years younger than I am. Sometimes that makes me feel insecure. I think I look young for my age but he has all these geeky young-person interests that I do not share.

My OSO's feelings for me are not the same as mine for him. I told him I loved him this past July, after nine months together. He sighed and said he didn't feel the same way about me, that he liked me a lot and was open to love with me, but wasn't feeling it at that point. I told him that was OK, that I didn't expect us to attach to each other at exactly the same pace and at the same time. The situation made me feel that if he ever did fall in love with me, at least I'd know it was real and that he wasn't just saying it.

About six weeks ago, I took my OSO to a poly potluck run by a friend of mine. We both met a young woman there whom I will call GG. She and OSO seemed to have some common interests and spent time chatting. I estimate that she is at least 15 years his junior, maybe more.

So I pinged OSO on Facebook this morning and was surprised to learn that 1. he and GG have been emailing for the past five or six weeks ( I hadn't even known that they swapped contact info when they met), and 2. she was AT HIS HOUSE WHEN I CONTACTED HIM, hanging out with his wife and kids, and he was making her lunch! She had apparently offered to visit him on the way to the same potluck, found out he wasn't attending, and then decided to just visit him and skip the potluck altogether. She is not local to him either, we both live about three hours from him, give or take, so she drove six hours round trip to hang out with him today. Yet he is telling me that "a romance is unlikely."

I do not know what to make of this. The same weekend we met this young woman, he had told me that he didn't think he had time or money for a second girlfriend and that he was pretty happy with just me and his wife, which made me happy. I don't mind him having another partner per se, but I am terrified about being made less of a priority. I had that happen in all three of my past relationships, in different ways, and they did not survive that. And those three people all said they loved me. This partner does not.

Can someone talk me down from the ledge before I do or say something stupid to him? I feel that I wouldn't be worried about this at all if his feelings for me were the same as mine are for him. But they are not, and they may never be.
 
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This sounds like a tough situation. I can definitely understand why you would feel jealous and hurt.

Just because this younger woman was hanging out with your OSO doesn't necessarily mean there's any type of relationship there. Maybe he just thinks she's cool to hang out with.

If you're concerned, maybe you could address it with him by saying something like, "I remember you saying you didn't think you could take on a second girlfriend, and I'm just curious about what's going on with you and Youngster." Don't be confrontational; just phrase it as curiosity. I think as his girlfriend, you have some reason to know if he's seeing someone else.

Hang in there. Jealousy happens; it's how you handle it that matters.
 
Thanks KC. I talked to OSO last night and found out that GG is a 22 year old UNDERGRAD. Boyfriend is 41. I had assumed that she was late 20s, not early. They had fun playing Magic together and he said she was great with his kids. Of course she was, she isn't much older than they are! He didn't sound like they were starting up anything but friendship based on a common interest, so I will take him at face value for now. I really don't mind if he has a fun fling with this girl, but as long as he only has time/money for one girlfriend, I want to be that person.

Talking to him last night turned out to be wonderful, because he revealed to me that he has NRE for me. We have been together a year, meeting once a month, and that is the first time he's told me that. Knowing that he is excited about our relationship makes me very happy, and gives me hope that maybe someday his feelings will match mine.

If he mentions hanging out with GG again, I will definitely ask him what is up. For now, I'm going to assume that it was a friends thing.
 
Just because he's attracted to her doesn't mean he can afford a third girlfriend. My partner often mentions cute girls, but he puts my financial security and our time together, with associated costs, first. After taking care of his kids, of course.

However, supposing she imposed no financial burden? Would you mind him dating her then?
 
Candiedlove, I don't consider my boyfriend's finances my business. We split expenses on our evenings away from home. I just do not want to lose time with him. We have had one overnight date a month for the past year and I know he does not feel that he can be away more than that. We haven't even had a whole weekend away together, even though I have asked for that several times.

If he added another long-distance lover, I could very well envision a month where he would not feel able to see me at all, because he was seeing her instead. I've been made less of a priority in favor of the new shiny toy in past relationships before, by people who said they loved me too. I'm not sure I could stay in a relationship where that happened again. I do not want to lose this one. He may not be saying he loves me, but I love him, and I want a future with him, I want love and commitment with him even if it takes years to get there.
 
Candiedlove, I don't consider my boyfriend's finances my business. We split expenses on our evenings away from home. I just do not want to lose time with him. We have had one overnight date a month for the past year and I know he does not feel that he can be away more than that. We haven't even had a whole weekend away together, even though I have asked for that several times.

If he added another long-distance lover, I could very well envision a month where he would not feel able to see me at all, because he was seeing her instead. I've been made less of a priority in favor of the new shiny toy in past relationships before, by people who said they loved me too. I'm not sure I could stay in a relationship where that happened again. I do not want to lose this one. He may not be saying he loves me, but I love him, and I want a future with him, I want love and commitment with him even if it takes years to get there.

It sounds like you and he are secondaries to each other. Nothing intrinsically wrong with a hierarchical model (you get the safety of knowing your primary always puts you first) but the position of the secondary is naturally shaky.

There is a good chance that, if this girl is in any way similar/more convenient/newer/shinier, that he may move on (that's what happens in the dating world!) If this is what has happened to you before (you mentioned a pattern of this), considering a multi-primary model might be worthwhile.

Do you want more than once a month from him (or another, he may not be capable of being a primary to you, if that isn't what his and her model allows)?

Or are you okay with the uncertainty that comes with a secondary role in his life?
 
This is a really interesting thought, candiedlove, and one I have often wondered about.

I'm one of those people who would have trouble considering someone as "primary" unless they lived with me. I cannot figure out a way to have this happen with my OSO. Even if he were open to relocating to my area in terms of his family and career (his area is not an option for me to live in because of my husband's career and because I'd go nuts there, it's way too quiet), I don't want to blend my family with another one. He has lovely children who are much younger than mine and I am not open to helping raise them. Anyway, he has never said that he'd like to live with me, so there is probably not much point in thinking about it.

So that raises the question, how does one get the kind of real commitment I want from him, the kind of commitment I've always wanted from a secondary (for lack of a better word) partner but never achieved? I wish I knew. I used to think that "I love you" implied commitment, and now I know that saying that means precisely nothing to a lot of people.
 
I think the first response to your question is "What type of commitment do you want?"

You may have said that somewhere along the line, but I didn't see it.

Do you want him to commit to continuing the relationship? To not taking on another girlfriend? To keep that one weekend a month open for you and not alter plans? Etc.

Once you figure out exactly what you want to ask for from him, the way to ask might become a little more apparent.
 
Here is what commitment would look like in this picture for me.

I would like to know that OSO wants to continue having the same amount of time we have had and won't jeopardize that by having other relationships that can't coexist with ours without starving ours of time.

If he can have other relationships while still giving time and focus to ours, then great, I will be happy for him.

Is it even possible to ask someone for a commitment if they aren't saying they love you? I'd just feel pathetic if I tried that.
 
You can always ask for a time commitment, for reassurance. I think what you might mean is you feel vulnerable doing the asking. Putting self out there. Maybe confusing having some needs with being needy.

You call it "pathetic" .... That part I do not get. The talking down to self. What for? How does that help you get what want? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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I agree with GalaGirl. Long before I was comfortable really discussing our relationship with S2, when he told me he had a date with another woman from the site we met on, I asked him if he would promise me that he would never cancel plans with me in order to see someone else. Even though we had no other commitment to each other at that point, and hadn't said we loved each other yet, he said, "I will look you in the eye right now and promise you I will never break plans with you for anyone else."

He took that so much to heart that last week, when his ex-wife asked him to help her out by taking their sons some extra time (her live-in girlfriend had a heart attack recently and needs some rest), S2 told her that he's happy to do that... except that he had plans for the next three weekends that he didn't have the boys, and he was keeping those plans. Which are with me. (I told him that made me feel really special, but that canceling plans with me for his kids doesn't count; kids always come first. He's still keeping our plans.)

Point being... even if he says he doesn't love you, and even if you have no other commitments to each other, you do have the right to say to him "I'm concerned about losing time with you if you get involved with someone else; would you be willing to agree not to cancel our plans?"

He could say no... but he could say yes. And you won't know unless you ask.

And you are not pathetic. You are in a relationship with a man you love, and it's perfectly reasonable to want some assurance that that relationship won't be negatively impacted if he starts seeing someone else.
 
This is a really interesting thought, candiedlove, and one I have often wondered about.

I'm one of those people who would have trouble considering someone as "primary" unless they lived with me. I cannot figure out a way to have this happen with my OSO. Even if he were open to relocating to my area in terms of his family and career (his area is not an option for me to live in because of my husband's career and because I'd go nuts there, it's way too quiet), I don't want to blend my family with another one. He has lovely children who are much younger than mine and I am not open to helping raise them. Anyway, he has never said that he'd like to live with me, so there is probably not much point in thinking about it.

So that raises the question, how does one get the kind of real commitment I want from him, the kind of commitment I've always wanted from a secondary (for lack of a better word) partner but never achieved? I wish I knew. I used to think that "I love you" implied commitment, and now I know that saying that means precisely nothing to a lot of people.

I agree that without blending a family together, whether that involves kids or not, it's difficult to form a primary relationship. Which brings us to the issue, how do you get "real" commitment?

The truth is, you get what you give. If you aren't giving him a significant part of your life, you'll likely remain in a secondary/potentially temporary relationship. Think in monogamy; you get far more commitment from a spouse than a girlfriend. Because you're making those commitments to each other. It's trickier in poly, where levels of progression are less defined. "Boyfriend" often carries more weight in poly. But it's still similar, so far as how relationships work.

And "love" has nothing to do with it. My partner has issues with the words and won't say he loves me. But he's proven with his other words and actions that he will always be there for me and wants to build a life together.
 
@OP, The gist of some of the commenters above I am summarizing this way: you should expect less commitment and potentially a temporary relationship because you are a secondary.

It's the "because" that I disagree with.

Commitment can be found in all areas of life. I make commitments to my partners, but also to my work, to my friends, to the sports teams I play on, and others. They can rely on me. An expression of love may or may not factor in what makes me happy and what I am willing to commit to.

"Real" commitment is defined by the words and actions of the person making the commitment. Primary or secondary has nothing to do with the "realness" of my commitment.

Primary and secondary, for me, are more about the level of entanglement. It is common for primaries to have more commitments and more levels of entanglement than a secondary. Number of commitments and quality of commitments are two different things. Also, it does not logically follow that a secondary is therefore a lesser relationship. (Why are we comparing anyway? What does that solve?)

To quote my OSO: "It's a relationship between people. Just because one is not saying "I love you" doesn't mean every part of the relationship can't work well, including commitments."
 
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