I am new here and new to poly so please forgive me if this is awkward. I have been married 4 years and with my husband 7 total. About 5 months ago my husband met a woman who he started hanging out with and texting (very frequently). He and I had communication issues that led to this but we know we love each other deeply and don't ever want to not be together. The other woman has been in a poly relationship for 4 years as a secondary. So he came to me and mentioned that he wanted to try an open marriage. I felt as if I had no choice but thought about it and agreed. A week in he came to me upset about not being heard by her and hI'm feeling jilted for some other new guy so he called off the open marriage.
We began working on our communication and a really great growth period began. Since then he has gone back several times to her but sneaking and lying about it. She has been snarky and mean to him. Also to me. I have tried to find what it is that he likes about her, a way to like her. I have not. She has been abrasive, bossy, and preachy. I have often felt looked down on and attacked. I have expressed this to her and get justification after justification. I don't feel heard.
So here we are. They recently started seeing each other and called it "friends" but they just hate not seeing each other. I appreciate that I am not being lied to but she is assoassociated with the cheating poor behavior. I have been asked to try to find my way to them being together as a couple (her as the secondary). We came up with rules that she has not picked until she got her way.
I am not opposed to a poly life, in fact the hubby and I have discussed quite a bit. I am open to it and excited, but I can not see this woman in our lives. Idk what I am sup posed to do or if I just have to accept her in our life even though she has actually taken over the focus almost to the point of appearing to be the primary and me being the secondary. My husband realized this as we were talking and has addressed it. She has been pushing back, trying to regain more and more contact and time. I feel like I can not get what I need and want with her in our life. I'm so frustrated.
We began working on our communication and a really great growth period began. Since then he has gone back several times to her but sneaking and lying about it. She has been snarky and mean to him. Also to me. I have tried to find what it is that he likes about her, a way to like her. I have not. She has been abrasive, bossy, and preachy. I have often felt looked down on and attacked. I have expressed this to her and get justification after justification. I don't feel heard.
So here we are. They recently started seeing each other and called it "friends" but they just hate not seeing each other. I appreciate that I am not being lied to but she is assoassociated with the cheating poor behavior. I have been asked to try to find my way to them being together as a couple (her as the secondary). We came up with rules that she has not picked until she got her way.
I am not opposed to a poly life, in fact the hubby and I have discussed quite a bit. I am open to it and excited, but I can not see this woman in our lives. Idk what I am sup posed to do or if I just have to accept her in our life even though she has actually taken over the focus almost to the point of appearing to be the primary and me being the secondary. My husband realized this as we were talking and has addressed it. She has been pushing back, trying to regain more and more contact and time. I feel like I can not get what I need and want with her in our life. I'm so frustrated.