Rock to my left hard place to the right

DrugAlong

New member
I am new here and new to poly so please forgive me if this is awkward. I have been married 4 years and with my husband 7 total. About 5 months ago my husband met a woman who he started hanging out with and texting (very frequently). He and I had communication issues that led to this but we know we love each other deeply and don't ever want to not be together. The other woman has been in a poly relationship for 4 years as a secondary. So he came to me and mentioned that he wanted to try an open marriage. I felt as if I had no choice but thought about it and agreed. A week in he came to me upset about not being heard by her and hI'm feeling jilted for some other new guy so he called off the open marriage.
We began working on our communication and a really great growth period began. Since then he has gone back several times to her but sneaking and lying about it. She has been snarky and mean to him. Also to me. I have tried to find what it is that he likes about her, a way to like her. I have not. She has been abrasive, bossy, and preachy. I have often felt looked down on and attacked. I have expressed this to her and get justification after justification. I don't feel heard.
So here we are. They recently started seeing each other and called it "friends" but they just hate not seeing each other. I appreciate that I am not being lied to but she is assoassociated with the cheating poor behavior. I have been asked to try to find my way to them being together as a couple (her as the secondary). We came up with rules that she has not picked until she got her way.
I am not opposed to a poly life, in fact the hubby and I have discussed quite a bit. I am open to it and excited, but I can not see this woman in our lives. Idk what I am sup posed to do or if I just have to accept her in our life even though she has actually taken over the focus almost to the point of appearing to be the primary and me being the secondary. My husband realized this as we were talking and has addressed it. She has been pushing back, trying to regain more and more contact and time. I feel like I can not get what I need and want with her in our life. I'm so frustrated.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :( Yo have a lot of layers there. I could be wrong in how I group the issues, but this is what sounds like the main clumps are to me:

1) Cheating

Has husband apologized, you forgiven, and he made amends for the broken agreements and cheating? Is that lingering or laid to rest? Does any of this resonate?

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

If not, you guys are trying to polyship when not really healthy. Could not do that. Could address that first so you being to polyship from strong foundations rather than wonky ones.​

2)Trying to poly with the cheating affair person.

You are ok with a poly life. Just not participating in a polyship with her as part of the polyship people. I can understand that if she was the cheating affair person.

Have you told your husband all this? Are you skipping revealing that because you fear losing the marriage or fear dealing in hard conversations? :(

Is there additional poly hell stuff along with residual cheating ugh?

This part maybe a case of you WILLING to polyship, but not yet having all the skills to be ABLE to polyship well. Up front communication and conflict resolution are important ones, IMHO. You could be up front about her being off the table as a result of broken trust from cheating.​

3) Personality / Behavior problems.

You don't like her because she is mean and snarky to you. When you call her on it, she makes excuses but doesn't actually change the behavior. Are you disappointed husband did not call her on that behavior also?

You don't like her because she is mean and snarky to him and he takes it. Does this change your respect level for your husband and you not like that?​

4) Attention needs were not met, but sound addressed. More time.

This is a primary-secondary model. You attention needs were not being met. It sounds like it bothered you that she was not taking up his focus during (him + her time) only but also taking up the focus of (him + you time). Husband realized this and has addressed it. You could thank him, and give it time for your emotions around that to calm down again. He's learning how to be the hinge person -- it's only 5 most in.​

5) His time management.

That is his job, not yours.

She has been pushing back, trying to regain more and more contact and time.

It is his job to tell her what time he has available and be firm when he simply is not. Like "I am not available." Period. Not like "I cannot hang with you, because my wife wants to go to the market and I have to go." He owns his time management, he chooses to do what he chooses to do. Not paint you like his "keeper." If he is painting you like his keeper and you do not like it -- you could ask him to change that behavior.​

6) Oversharing. His problems with her are (his+ her) problems. Not yours.

If he is griping and oversharing details with YOU? You could ask him to stop doing that. "X called. Trying to sort out a date" is plenty.

"X called. She is driving me crazy because I am trying to sort out a date. She does like this. She doesn't like that. Ugh. What should I do?" is too much. One kvetches OUT, not in. Could practice ring theory. Could also make the boundaries on information management. Not like lie or leave things out. More like Cliff Notes -- stop oversharing. Before when you were a duo, you were the guy for everything. Now he has another partner -- makes more sense to sort his load of (him + her) stuff on her, not you.​

7) You learning to articulate your feelings, wants and needs more clear cut.

I feel like I can not get what I need and want with her in our life. I'm so frustrated.

You could swap those words. It could be more effective communication in your inner dialogue, which could help lead to solutions. "Not get what I need" is not actually an emotion. "Frustrated" IS something one feels. You also do not say in your post what your wants and needs actually ARE. I also cannot tell WHO you want them from. I do not see anything clear cut like

"I am not getting what I want and need with her in our life at this time from (yourself? husband? Her? Both him and her? All the above?) I feel frustrated. I need X. I would like to ask (name of person) if they are willing to start/stop doing ____ behavior. So I can better think/feel/do ____ instead."

  • From yourself -- what behaviors are you willing/able to change to help better meet your needs?
  • From your husband -- what need is going unmet at this time? What behavior from him do you want to request to help meet that need? he was willing to hear you when you brought up (focus on her) leaking over into (you+ him) time.
  • From her -- what need is going unmet? The need for PEACE and a calm home environment? The need for COOPERATION when making new agreements? What behavior from her do you want to request to help meet those needs? If she is not willing, how else can you get them met?

I can see you are frustrated. If you could learn to better articulate your needs, then perhaps it could become easier to ask for what you want. Not feel as frustrated?

Maybe look at this list of needsand circle what you want from husband and what you want from her? Could that help you better ask for the behaviors from each to help get you needs met?


CONCLUSION

Again, I am sorry you struggle right now. Take it one thing at a time. You are 5 months in -- you too are learning new skills.

Is a healthy marriage part of your desired outcome? What IS your desired outcome?

I think the business of you choosing to particpate in something with people you really do not want to be participating with could be your top priority. I think you could come clean to husband on that one ASAP before this goes along further. Be honest and let the chips fall where they may.

Otherwise you run the risk of being uncomfortable with yourself for choosing to participate in things you do not want. Getting madder over time, and fobbing that anger off on his head or internalizing and getting depressed. I don't see how that is healthy for a marriage trying to heal from cheating. :(

I don't see how polyshipping at this time is helpful either. :(

Galagirl
 
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You have given me many things to look at, I appreciate that greatly!

He has apologized, I forgave, and I asked for them to step back and let me process and figure out what I needed. They said they would, that lasted a week. Again they snuck around etc. I confronted it, said how I felt about it, and started talking about it very openly and honestly. At this point I was told they love each other and they don't want to walk away. So I tried. I started talking to her. Listening to her. Trying to be heard by her. If I say something I feel like I am told I am wrong. For example: during our first meeting she made a comment about how poorly our son played air hockey compared to how well she played, I said to her that I felt hurt by how she acted. Her response was that "his micro expressions did not indicate that it upset him" and so my feelings about how she responded were "wrong". I get this type of stuff all of the time. I have mentioned it to her and tried to explain that it just makes me feel more and more defensive and not listened to but she says it just is that we don't talk alike. I have discussed it with my husband and he has said that he is sorry and when he has mentioned it to her she has said it wasn't something he should be having to come to her with. Idk. I feel like I am falling down a hole.

I am interested in poly life and have expressed that. I have expressed that I don't want her in the poly ship because she is in fact the one that the affair was with. This is where I am told that they are too far down the path and she tells me it is too deep for them to walk away. This is where I am feeling like I am being forced to do this with her.

I have been disappointed in past that my husband has not called her on this behavior. I have told him this (about a month ago) and he will say something to her if I say something to him. He doesn't always pick up on it. She does it with him too which makes me crazy, but that is on him.

I have expressed my appreciation for him realizing he was focusing almost all of his attention on her and that I was feeling neglected. He has made the efforts. He struggles because she texts him all through the day still (ex: they moved my desk at work and I hate it, I am hungry for ice cream) and he looks to see what notification he has on his phone and sees it is her. Then the wheels are turning and he is thinking about what did she say. She has been told that communication needed to be adjusted, he has been working on it and I appreciate that. It appears she is not following the request and that is frustrating.

I do not think that he has said to her I can't do x because my wife said I can't or my wife wants to do y. I do know she has said oh I know you want to do it but I assume you aren't because of your wife. He has said that isn't the case most of the time but even now as she and I are talking she says things like I am trying to keep him from seeing her or I am manipulating him into not wanting to see her more. Really it is his work schedule that won't allow more.

Oversharing is something we may have to discuss.

A healthy marriage is absolutely what I want. I am also interested in poly. I think it could be great if it is done right. Transitioning from an affair to poly ship with the same person is an issue for me.
 
I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I too would have a very hard time dealing with my husband dating the person he cheated on me with. And your husband has a lot of growth as the "hinge" to do, though it sounds like he's making attempts. He is in the throws of NRE (new relationship energy) and it sounds like his head is in the cloud.

So what of this can you control? For one, I wonder if you could stop talking to her. It sounds like she is not respectful towards you, and perhaps this is not the time to develop a friendship with her. Sound like you could use some space from her right now.

I also think the intrusive texting is problematic. Have you gotten a chance to read the poly hell article suggested by GalaGirl? It highlights how the intrusion of a new relationship can make things especially hard. When things were hard for me, I read it and had my husband read it, to help him understand what's going on for me. Can you ask him to turn off his phone at certain times (e.g., date time with you)? Leave it in another room/at home? What boundaries has he stressed to her (from 5-8p, I'm with my partner and cannot respond to your texts)? What could he set to make you not feel neglected? What needs of yours are not being met by him?

You might want to consider couples counseling with a poly friendly therapist if things continue to be difficult for you and him. Hope things get easier for you soon - no matter what happens.
 
@DrugAlong, GalaGirl has offered some fantastic advice. Dang, go with that. Maybe ask your husband to read her notes and see how she breaks it down?

Anyway, I'd like to suggest an intellectual exercise that helped me when I felt trapped in a different type of situation.

During the first 2 years of my relationship with my poly boyfriend, I didn't tell anyone about it being poly. I barely referred to him as my boyfriend, lest people ask when we were going to get "serious" and when we're we getting married, who was that other woman he was with.

I didn't include my boyfriend in office gatherings or other social outings. He didn't meet my family. Our relationship couldn't grow much because I was so in the closet. I was bitter about the limitations of poly and worried about the consequences of being at all out.

It helped me to remind myself that the limitations (however reasonable and realistic!) were mine. I could come out. I could dream of a future. I could deal with the consequences, even if they were sucky. I also could stay closeted and not have my valued relationships with others be altered. I could not risk my job.

In your situation, I could see myself making the same choices you are making in regards to trying to be accommodating, trying to save my marriage with someone I loved, trying to handle the sucky-ness.

Try on that these are your choices...and you can change them at any time. Even if you don't, there is some freedom and ease in knowing that there are other choices available. At least, there was for me.
 
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during our first meeting she made a comment about how poorly our son played air hockey compared to how well she played

How old is this women that she feels it's necessary to compare her air hockey skills to that of a child? Really?!? OK for really smart ass reply: "Well, our son is pretty well rounded and has multiple interests, so with school and his other hobbies, he really doesn't have time to dedicate to honing his skills on just one game. I'm sure he appreciated the challenge." Personally, that would be the last time I would allow such a person around my children. I wouldn't want someone around my kids that bad mouthed their abilities just to make themselves feel good - shame on your husband for being okay with this.

There is no reason that you should have to have anything to do with her. Keep your lives separate. If she can't be respectful to you and your family, then she is not welcome in your home or at family activities.

Just my first opinion, she sounds like a cowgirl (she is trying to get your husband to dump you for her).

I have expressed my appreciation for him realizing he was focusing almost all of his attention on her and that I was feeling neglected. He has made the efforts. He struggles because she texts him all through the day still (ex: they moved my desk at work and I hate it, I am hungry for ice cream) and he looks to see what notification he has on his phone and sees it is her.

This is his problem. You have every right to request that he turn his phone OFF during certain times (a few hours every night, date nights, etc), but the final decisions about communication frequency is all up to him.

I do not think that he has said to her I can't do x because my wife said I can't or my wife wants to do y. I do know she has said oh I know you want to do it but I assume you aren't because of your wife.

Frankly - this is his issue to deal with. If he is repeating what she has said then he just trying to be cruel to you. He may need to adjust his behavior if he wants to stay married to you.
 
GalaGirl: I just finished looking through/reading the links that you shared with me. THANK YOU! They were so very helpful and I think I will share them with my husband as well.

Reflections: I was asked if I would try to get to know her and possibly become friends with her by my husband. I know he is hoping that I will come around in regards to her but the more I "talk" to her the further away from that I get. Today she told me that she resents that she does not have an equal or even greater say in how time would be scheduled and that she considers him her primary. This is scary because 1. she has said all the way up until she was told that the communication would be dialed back in light of how much it was taking away from our marriage that she didn't ever want to be in any primary relationship again. She stated to me and him several times that she wanted to only be a second. 2. she has shown that if she doesn't get the attention that she wants when she wants it she will lash out (snarky/mean comments and meltdowns). I just can't handle her changing what she is saying every time we speak.

PaperGrace: You are right, it is all about choices. I will certainly be looking at the choices I have. I told my husband that I had joined this forum and he genuinely was interested and he has been pleased to know that I have been doing my research. He asked if he could join or share in the experience. That is his choice. ;) I will share the great advice that I am getting with him for sure.

SNeacail: She is 42, my son is 15. My husband was not at the air hockey table to hear it, when I told him about it I think he didn't believe me. He kept saying I am sure you heard hear wrong or she must have been joking. I know he is in the clutches of NRE but that was a bit insulting. She also dogged her son for missing shots and made a comment about my husband being a loser that same afternoon. Whether playing or not, this is not how I roll. I don't believe you should put someone else down for any reason. The comment about her being a cowgirl struck me as well because on several occasions over the last couple of months she has literally asked me why I stay with him in such a way that it feels like she is trying to get me to leave. Again I voiced this to my husband. Because it wasn't said to him and it is in one of the very few emails that she didn't forward to him (conveniently) he doesn't know what was said. I will be asking about leaving the phone in another room or turning it off. When we were in Miami this past week he left his phone at the hotel one day. He told her he was going to do that, she emailed me all day. I chose to not look at them but of course she was then in my head as well. I will work on this more.

I am so very greatful for the feedback. I know that I have a lot of work to do and so does my husband. I believe we can rebuild and move forward, I just didn't know if I was being too harsh or out of line by feeling like I just can not bring myself around to having this woman in our life. She says things that make me feel like I am being told I am not open enough or poly minded enough by not opening her with open arms.
 
A healthy marriage is absolutely what I want. I am also interested in poly. I think it could be great if it is done right. Transitioning from an affair to poly ship with the same person is an issue for me.

I could be wrong but I am hearing:

  • 1) I want to have a healthy marriage with my husband.
  • 2) I am interested in polyamory with husband and I seeing other people if done right with healthy people.
  • 3) I am not interested in participating in wonky polyship with this cheating affair person. Does not support #1 or #2.
  • 4) I am not interested in transitioning to wonky polyship from a cheating affair. Does not support #1 or #2.

Is "I want for ME to be healthy" somewhere on your list?

Does husband share those things on his list?

She says things that make me feel like I am being told I am not open enough or poly minded enough by not opening her with open arms.

What about her rude behavior makes people WANT to welcome her? Just from what I read I think "wow - she's fresh!" and I wouldn't answer if she rang my doorbell. He tells her he's turning off his phone one day. So she blows up your email all that day? Why not his email? Jeez. I hope you showed your husband the crazy and blocked her from you email. He wants to date her, HE can deal with her nutty.

Has SHE apologized to you for her part in the affair and made amends? Somehow I doubt it from the sound of her behavior. :(

during our first meeting she made a comment about how poorly our son played air hockey compared to how well she played, I said to her that I felt hurt by how she acted. Her response was that "his micro expressions did not indicate that it upset him" and so my feelings about how she responded were "wrong".

She sounds mean to your kid and to hers. Wassup with that? A grown woman competing with children over air hockey? It's just a game.

Something bothers you. You tell her straight up. She says the son is not bothered. So what if he isn't bothered? You ARE. You are telling her you are bothered. And she's not made apology or offered to changed her behaviors when you bring objectionable behavior to her attention?

Doubt your husband calling her on it will do anything. She doesn't sound like she owns it. She just behaves fresh, then makes excuse, fobs it off, ignores you etc. Like it is easier to tell people THEY are too uptight and too sensitive and cannot take a joke. Rather than adjust HER behavior so she isn't being rude or causing offense in the first place.

I wish I could think of a nicer way to say it. I apologize in advance. :( But to me? I would not be surprised is she is a cowgirl. She sounds like she's rude and a wonky partner. If your husband is hell bent on going down with the ship... are you going down with him or keeping you and kid out of the line of fire? Like worst case scenario?

You do NOT have to be her pal just because he dates her.

To me? This is changing from (cheating behind your back) to (cheating in front of you and wanting you to smile and give a pass) to (give-an-inch-take-a-mile unhealthy wonky polyshipping.)

I'm not hearing healing and trust rebuilding from cheating on all layers first, then healthy polyshipping agreements being made and stuck with.

You guys have a lot going on on many layers. I would suggest counseling to help you process and sort out next steps. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Just in case. She's weird sounding.

I am sorry you deal in this. :(
Galagirl
 
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Hi DrugAlong,

It sounds like your husband is hellbent on continuing his relationship with this rude/pushy woman, and nothing short of threatening divorce (if even that) would change his mind. So unless you're fed up enough to divorce right now, my suggestion would be try to find ways to make the best of things.

I'd tell him you don't want her interacting with your kids anymore. Tell him you don't want her interacting with you anymore. Tell him you are going to block her emails from now on. Put your foot down about him turning his cell phone off when it's time for him to focus on you and/or the kids. If she's going to pitch a fit about it, that's his problem not yours! Let him deal with it.

There's no rule in poly that says you *have* to be friends with your metamour, especially when your metamour is a PITA (and probably a cowgirl as well). You are not "less poly" or "no good at poly" just because you don't want to be her BFF. She has treated you shitty. You have every right to sever her from your life. If your husband is hellbent on keeping her in his life, let that be his problem. Make it plain to him that you think his associating with her is a mistake, that you think it's a choice that will bite him in the ass, and that you don't want him to come complaining to you when that happens.

I know, it sounds like I'm being harsh, but this woman is obviously going to take every inch you let her grab and turn it into a mile. Therefore, don't give her an inch. Don't give her a micrometer. Give her exactly what she gives you. Zip.

You can accept that your husband is allowed a certain amount of time for poly doings each week. What he does with that time is up to him. If he wants to waste that time on this woman, that is his "privilege." But he is *not* to interrupt your life with that stuff in any way.

That's my opinion.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'll add this - if you suspect she is a cowgirl and wants him all to herself, then it's going to take quite a bit of trust on your end that he's not going to get "lasso"-ed away. He needs to earn that trust again, which will take lots of time and lots of him following through on his commitments. She can consider him her primary all she wants, but if he doesn't agree to that, it's just her fantasy. It sounds like you've expressed your concerns about her cowgirling to him, but I would state very clearly that if he sees any behavior like this on his end, I would like to know. I've heard about cowgirls lying to their partners about their metamour, saying that their metamour no longer loves their partner, their metamour is going to leave them, etc, etc. Open communication is critical here.

I personally wouldn't tolerate dating someone who tried to break up my other relationships - how is that loving behavior?

Oh, and I would absolutely cut all contact I had with this woman. He can date her, but you (and your kids) don't have to put up with that from her. If she and your husband keep dating and she turns out to be a lovely person in the future, then great, you can be friends then. I would not include her in my life at this time.

Hope you're doing alright
 
GalaGirl: Yes you have understood what I am wanting. A healthy marriage, exploring poly in an appropriate way, I am not interested in having a polyship involving the cheating affair person. I DO in fact have me being healthy and happy as a part of my list as well. I have been trying to figure out if my issues with her were just the affair but I have only come to feel more strongly about her "wonk" behavior and attitude. It is who she is, how she lives. Healthy is the key. I have shared this thread with my husband, he has read it all so far. As he read it he would say "oh!" or "ah ok". I asked him about what stood out and he said that the cowgirl comments made him think. In regard to you GalaGirl he said that he does in fact want those same things that you (and I above) listed.
Has she apologized to me? No, not really. I have had things like I am sorry that you took it that way or things of that nature. I have expressed how something specific she did or said made me feel and she proceeds to justify why she did it or to point out that her vast knowledge of poly is so much more advanced than mine and I just don't get it. She does not ever take ownership of her actions/words. I agree that we should be working on healing first before we can approach a relationship in a healthy manner. I asked them to step back a couple of months ago to give us some time to do this. That lasted about a week and I was attacked by her for trying to get him to leave her or trying to control him.

kdt26417: Divorce will happen if this can't be fixed. I believe that he doesn't want that. I know I don't. I have not talked to her in several days. My husband is very aware that I do not wish for her to be around our kids because of how she speaks to kids (even her own). He is also very aware that I do not like the way she treats him (husband) either. It is very much his choice to allow that. I do not have to like it.

The last few days have been better with not speaking to her. My husband came home from Miami on Thursday night (late). An activity together was planned by them for Friday night. I worked that day, he joined me for lunch which was great (this is when he read the thread here) we had a good discussion. I asked what he was afraid of and he said he was afraid of losing me. I asked if there was anything else he was afraid of and he said that he was afraid that he would not be able to stay away from her if I got to the point that I couldn't handle her in our lives anymore. We discussed a three strikes scenario and he was on board with it. I felt good. I went back to work and he went to work to finish some paperwork then was heading to her place around 5. I went home and felt like I did a good job feeling what I felt and processing. I did not text him during her time because I feel that is only respectful. He left her place at the time that he said he would already be home, that hurt but it wasn't a huge deal. I did mention it but didn't make it any bigger than it was. We spent yesterday with our son, running around town and hanging out and then dinner and a movie. When we got home I helped him with some work then out of the blue he asked when I work next week and I said I was not sure yet and asked why. He said he wanted to lock down his time to see her next week. (based on our boundaries conversation last week that means up to 2 lunches if he is working and one activity night) I got very upset and reacted with anger. This angered him and we fought. I felt less than, to have the amazing time we were having pushed aside to plan for next week with her when he had just been with her less than 24 hours prior. I have come to find out that she texted him all throughout the day, with one of them being in the morning when she said she needed to know ASAP when they were seeing each other this next week. I did not contact him during her time. She continues to contact him during our time. I am rambling here.......I am sorry. I just feel like we take one step forward and two back every time. I do not want this person in our lives. *sigh*
 
I agree that we should be working on healing first before we can approach a relationship in a healthy manner. I asked them to step back a couple of months ago to give us some time to do this. That lasted about a week and I was attacked by her for trying to get him to leave her or trying to control him.

You are not going to get collaborative/cooperative mode out of her. Accept it. Deal only with the hinge -- your husband. Whatever she has going on he can deal with her. Make your requests directly to him. He can say

  • Yes, willing and able at this time
  • Yes, willing but not able at this time. How about....?
  • Need time to think it over. Will respond on ....
  • No, not willing and able.

I felt less than, to have the amazing time we were having pushed aside to plan for next week with her when he had just been with her less than 24 hours prior.

I think that is your own emotion bubbling up.

When would you prefer you and he do calendar talk? You clearly do not like it while you are still in "date mode" with him. I do not read you said "I do not want to do calendar talk at this time. Takes focus away from the good time I am having in family/date mode. How calendar about at X instead?"

Could sort that out. Then he knows not to do calendar talk till (set time). He knows it is going to happen soon, you get to enjoy the family/date time. If he has two partners to accommodate, you can't expect him to just mind reader your schedule. Calendar talk has to happen. Google calendar any help in that area?

There is not much you can do about her pestering him during (him + you) date time other than tell him NOT to be telling you she is doing that. That is her behavior, and for him to address.

It is correct of you not to pester him during (him + her) date time. That is your behavior and for you to control.

I'm glad you both have agreed and have moved on to a three strikes thing. Makes it easy to sit back and just count behaviors.

In regard to you GalaGirl he said that he does in fact want those same things that you (and I above) listed.

Glad he wants the same things.

I asked what he was afraid of and he said he was afraid of losing me.

He can meet agreements he shares with you. Behave decently like that and he isn't likely to to lose you because you are unhappy with needs not being met.

I asked if there was anything else he was afraid of and he said that he was afraid that he would not be able to stay away from her if I got to the point that I couldn't handle her in our lives anymore.

He is afraid he cannot control his own behavior? She's THAT controlling/hypnotizing, maybe she's not healthy for him to date?

If he cannot control his own behavior, how is that enabling him to meet the goals of having a healthy marriage? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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If your work schedule changes every week, then he cannot have a consistent time when he will see her, and he will have to work it out with you -- every week. I don't see any way around that except to "get rid of her completely" and to do that you might have to threaten (or even carry out) divorce.

You could inform him that you'll tell him when you get your work schedule each week, and that he doesn't need to ask you. Keeping a joint calendar (or google calendar) might makes things easier. Regardless, it's obvious to me that he is blinded by NRE and not paying any attention to your feelings.
 
GalaGirl: Yes a good deal of my frustration at our argument last night is that I did not take a beat and process before reacting. I feel I have been doing really well with that and last night was a big fail. I did speak to him about scheduling a specific time to discuss scheduling with him. We are going to make that happen. I feel like he is frustrated too because he has asked her for a day that they can call their own but she does not want to lock anything in because it would limit her being available for dates from others she is pursuing. That is not mine to fix or address, I do need to keep it in mind for these conversations as a point of frustration that he is already working under regarding scheduling. Yes his fear of not being able to control his actions/behaviors is troubling to me. I have tried to address this but I am afraid of insulting him or hurting his feelings so I have not found a good way to say it. I will continue to search.

kdt26417: Yes we will have to schedule week to week. His schedule is all over the place and mine is fairly fluid so there will be challenges.

Reflections: I agree about the contact and it will be kept to the bare minimum if at all between us. I do believe that she has been quite the cowgirl and I have stated that to my husband. I will go the next step and make sure that I need to know if she is acting in a manner that furthers this.
 
When I was adjusting to my husband dating his girlfriend, my emotions were all over the place. Sometimes I felt like I was doing better, and then something triggered me, and I felt awful again. I know your situation is especially difficult, but know that some of that up-and-down feeling is natural.

On a side note, I personally wouldn't minimize him not getting home at the time he planned. After a bumpy start that shook my trust in my husband, I emphasized the need to regain trust in our relationship by him following through on his commitments with me. I let him know that it may not seem like getting home a half hour late or something similar was a big deal, but I needed to learn to trust him again. If he said he'd be home at X time, I needed to trust that he would be. If we hadn't had a bumpy start, I probably wouldn't have minded that he was getting home late or whatever - but the trust part was a huge deal. Now, he makes sure to always be home when he says he will be, or at the least, text me if he's going to be late for traffic, etc. It helps me trust him and feel like he is still committed to our relationship. I don't know if any of that rings true for you, but I wanted to throw it out there.
 
I do need to keep it in mind for these conversations as a point of frustration that he is already working under regarding scheduling.

If he has a wonky partner, he is going to feel a lot. Not just frustration. I hope he is able to keep it on that (him + her) side of the V and not be leaking it over on to (you + him.) It isn't fair to get all riled up with her and then outburst at you. He could deal with his own emotional management.

Yes his fear of not being able to control his actions/behaviors is troubling to me. I have tried to address this but I am afraid of insulting him or hurting his feelings so I have not found a good way to say it. I will continue to search.

"Thank you for letting me know your fears and telling me where you are at emotionally. You fear of not being able to control your own behavior around her troubles me. That is where I am at emotionally. "

What is insulting or hurtful about that? It's tell him where you are at emotionally. He isn't a mind reader. :confused:

If he is experiencing scheduling frustrations with her because she will not commit to a standing date (ex: every thursday evening) because she wants to keep her calendar free for dating others. Yet he experiences chronic pestering to come on over when she IS available all dang day long... that's how she is. She is not available to him, but wants him available 24/7 to her. If he gets frustrated with her want/expectation? It's on him to accept it , renegotiate it, or not have her as his dating partner due to incompatibility.

Nothing to do with you.

I get that it is hard watching your spouse be caught up with a wonky partner, one who doesn't sound esp kind, trustworthy or nice. But I think this is one where you step back, protect yourself, let it happen how it will, and he just learns some things the hard way. This situation reminds me a bit of this older post.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65286&highlight=yellow+color+judgement

I don't know if that helps you any.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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