Oh Honey!

beecharmer

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Raise your hand if you are ready for this word vomit of a blog!

My name is Beecharmer but you can call me Bee for short. I have been married to Cubbie for 8 years (together 11) and we have two beautiful kids, E(8) and H(4).

Cubbie and I have had a very hard but happy life together. We have loss countless family members and have no support system other than each other. My parent's have both passed, as well as Cubbie's mom and grandparents who all extremely important in our lives and helped us grow into the people we are today.

Throughout the years and heartbreak Cubbie and I have fueled all our energy and attention into our two beautiful kids E and H. We haven't been on a date by ourselves in 5 years. We don't really trust anyone with our kids. Our relationship has suffered a lot. Slowly we became more like roommates than partners. We have always been wonderful friends and been supportive of one another but our relationship was losing it's spark.

Cubbie had a girl he went to high school with named Daphne and they would speak on facebook, a lot. After awhile it started concerning me as their comments to each other became increasingly flirtatious and deep. I worried that he may like her, as more than a friend. Cubbie and I have always been monogamous and very jealous of one another which I know is unhealthy. I tried to push down the feelings that did in fact like her. One day we were arguing and I said to him "If you weren't with me you would be with Daphne." He didn't say anything and it was at that moment that I knew he liked her.

I started a new job and I made a lot of friends. One of them was Jay. On the first day of working with one another he came up to me and asked he how long I had been married and then proceeded to tell me he had been in relationships with married women before that worked with us. It felt very obvious that he was hoping, I would do the same. I quickly told him I was loyal to my husband. After that we would still talk but I did find myself attracted to him in some way. I tend to be attracted to unhealthy people. I like people who hurt me. I don't know why. I recognize that this is extremely concerning. Jay and I have that type of dynamic. We would goes days with ignoring each other at work, if one of us pissed off the other in some way. Meanwhile, he would be chasing after every new girl that walked through the door. He got enjoyment out of telling me who he found "hot" and if he hooked up with someone. I would just listen but not say much.

One day I took a leap and texted Cubbie at work telling him that I felt we should open our relationship. He was very hurt at first. He was also confused. I have always appreciated honesty, though. I felt it was important to say it. I could feel us drifting apart and seeking comfort from others. That day we talk a lot, about everything. It was the best conversation we had, had in years. We talked about our relationship and where we had went wrong over the years. We talk about how we could fix us. We talked about Daphne and Jay. We realized we needed to really work on us. We started getting away from the internet so much and really trying to spend more time with each other. We spiced up our bedroom life.We also went through some jealousy. We worked through it. I think a lot of it revolved around our insecurities.

I am really happy with were we are right now.

We did go back and forth with opening our relationship. We are most worried about our children and would this decision affect them in some way? Could we damage our relationship and cause a broken home? It is a lot of pressure. We both always put them first and the idea of somehow hurting them is too much to bear. Ultimately, though we have decided to dip our toes into this idea. We have realized a lot, though.

Jay is totally the wrong person, for me. He is way too unhealthy for me. I have cut off contact with him. We do still work with each other, though. What caused this? Well I was joking telling him I was going to meet up with another coworker. Jay then gave me this sob story about how he had no friends and all of our coworkers should hang out sometime. I told him that would be fun and that I would set it up. I started asking him about details and he ignored me. Then started posting these vague things about how people are unsupportive, ect. I decided it was best just to end all contact and move forward because if I persue him I know it will end badly and I have to work with him. He has been making all efforts to follow me at work and to just randomly be there but I have ceased any communication.

All the while this was going on Daphne's ex boyfriend of 10 years passed away. They weren't together but I am sure it has been very hard for her because she was a huge part in her life and was like a dad to her daughter. She is a very hot and cold person in general. I feel like she does like Cubbie but will suddenly stop talking to him and then suddenly will start, again. Almost as if she feels guilty because he is a married man. Speaking of which, we haven't told anyone in our lives about this potential change. So it appears as if we are still a monogamous couple.

We have created accounts on dating sites, though, being upfront about the fact that we are married and are thinking about the poly lifestyle. I am talking to one guy named Leo. He is really nice. He genuinely wants to get to know me. We mostly just have a friendship and are learning about each other. We don't have any plans to meet up or anything. Cubbie is talking to a girl named Madison who he went to school with although they weren't friends in school and don't really know much about each other.


Okay. So what do we hope for our future in poly? We plan to each have a partner who we see outside of our family. We would never have them come to our house or meet our kids. Our kids wouldn't know. We may tell them about it once they were older and could understand more but for right now, we feel comfortable without them being around our kiddos.

We also don't know if/when we would tell people in our lives. I have told one of my close friend's who has been poly before. She has been a lot of help for both me and Cubbie. I have also told a female coworker who is in an open relationship. She is very trustworthy. Cubbie has told a close friend, as well.

Right now we are just talking to people and feel comfortable there. It is just baby steps right now.
 
I feel like Cubbie is becoming discouraged. We both created dating profiles on two popular dating sites, Tinder and OKCupid. I have received a lot of matches and he has only gotten one. He is feeling very discouraged and also his confidence is very low, at the moment. I keep encouraging him not to give up. I wish he could see himself through my eyes. He is a total catch. I think it is just harder to find ladies who would be interested in the poly lifestyle

I have been asking him if he want to close the door on this journey but he says he feels like he would be being unfair to me and he knows if he had someone to talk to he would feel like continuing. He does talk to Madison from time to time but feels like the conversation is forced and there isn't really a connection. As far as Daphne goes she will flirt very obviously with him online but once he returns it her responses change to almost reminding him he is married. I asked him if he wanted to tell her that we are exploring an open relationship but he is afraid she would turn him down due to her hot and cold nature.

As for me, I am still talking to Leo. I think he is fun to talk to, although we have no plans to meet or anything. I am fine with that, though. I like moving slow and just being in the friendship stage, right now.

I also mentioned the idea of trying speed dating sometime to Cubbie. I think it could be fun. I just have no idea how to go about it.
 
Well the tides have changed! Cubbie has a few ladies he is talking to and it makes me happy to see him happy. It is nice to watch your partner feel just how special you know they are. Plus I love getting to know people and I know he does too. It is always just nice to have a good conversation with someone even if it isn't going to amount to anything other than a great friend.

With all of that being said I am feeling very discouraged. Most men only want to talk so that they can figure out when they can fuck you. It is so frustrating. Between that and all the one word responses I get, I am ready to give up. I love getting to know people. I will ask endless questions just so I can pick someone's brain and understand who they are. There have been countless times where I have asked people questions and to no avail. If I say "What type of movies do you like?" It seems like it would be so easy to respond "Horror, you." but instead I receive "Horror." This just tells me that these people have no intention of getting to know me. It makes me a little sad and discouraged.

Then, Leo and I had been talking for awhile. The last few days the conversation has been very short and today not at all so I think he is done talking to me. It makes me a little sad because I did like him and am wondering what I said wrong. I guess I will never know.

I have a Tinder and I am thinking of completely redoing it and trying to meet some new people, other than that I don't know of a lot of ways to meet people. I just want to meet a guy who wants to get to know me. I feel like that is a rare thing, though. UGHHH.

Oh and on other news my coworker is also in an open relationship and told me today that her husband wants to have sex with me. I am not at all interested. He kind of sucks, as a person. He seems abusive, to be honest and I am not looking for that kind of attention. Plus he just isn't my type. I told her in a round about way told her that I was looking for a relationship not a hookup (which is true). Hopefully that keeps him at bay. It would just be weird in general because he also works there, just a different shift. I like her, as a friend, but have zero intention of getting mixed up with them like that.
 
beecharmer, I can totally relate!! This happens to me all the time. I try to ask questions to get to know them better and I get one word responses. I enjoy getting to know people as well but it doesn't seem that's what they want. I try really hard not to make it like an interrogation, ya know? ;) Sheesh, I was a Communications major in college. LOL I don't feel like they are interested in getting to know me either, just like you are experiencing. And you can be chatting for a while and then radio silence. The other interactions I have online are those that want to know when we can hookup, too, even if I haven't given an indication that's what I'm looking for. *le sigh* I've been thinking maybe I need to get away from the dating sites. :(
 
beecharmer, I can totally relate!! This happens to me all the time. I try to ask questions to get to know them better and I get one word responses. I enjoy getting to know people as well but it doesn't seem that's what they want. I try really hard not to make it like an interrogation, ya know? ;) Sheesh, I was a Communications major in college. LOL I don't feel like they are interested in getting to know me either, just like you are experiencing. And you can be chatting for a while and then radio silence. The other interactions I have online are those that want to know when we can hookup, too, even if I haven't given an indication that's what I'm looking for. *le sigh* I've been thinking maybe I need to get away from the dating sites. :(

I am glad I am not alone. Cubbie and I can talk for hours. That is my favorite thing to do. I want to meet someone who I also have a deep connection with and know I can talk to about anything. I am a super chatty person in general. I love a good conversation. Lately, though it is pulling teeth to get any response. It makes me want to throw in the towel on these sites.
 
I really like keeping a journal of sorts. It really helps me clear out my thoughts and straighten them out. I really like the idea of the poly lifestyle. We don't really have a support system in our lives and so I feel like this could provide us with that. The more we have talked we like the idea of a kitchen table dynamic. We would never have nesting partners but we do like being able to have the people we have a relationship with over and for all of us to be friends. I think it is possible. We would present the idea to our children as they are our friends and intimacy in our home wouldn't be allowed to preserve the idea that we are monogamous to our children. We do plan to discuss all of this with our kids, someday but I feel like I want them to be a lot older before we share these details of our lives. I like having open and honest conversations with my kids but I also have the strong need to protect them. When we are taught families in school they are always presented a certain way and I know that kids hold onto that ideal. It is almost like telling them that Santa isn't real. That is a big step.

Cubbie has made a new friend, Catherine. He seems to like her, as well. Although based on things she has told us we both feel as if she is hiding something. Basically her story is she recently moved back to where we live. She just up and left everything behind because her grandparents had surgery. She has a 6 month lease here but is living with her grandparents. She plans to return to where she was living in 6 months. She has a boyfriend but they are allowed to see other people during this time.

Cubbie is also really liking Madison. I am happy for him. I think she seems like a nice girl. I don't really know her because we haven't communicated, at all. I am just going off of what Cubbie tells me.

I am still trying to find someone that I like. It is hard because I really like Leo but I feel like he is playing games with me. I am not interested in playing games so I have backed off for now. I want to know where his head is at. Or if he likes me, too but as an adult we don't really ask those types of questions. I don't know why but we don't. I ran out of matches on Tinder so I told him I was deleting my profile to start a new one. Cubbie says I was being petty but Leo was literally the only person I talked to on there and he wasn't really talking to me. I also ran out of matches so I figured restarting would let me find new people and it has. Leo and I rematched but haven't spoken. I am leaving the ball in his court and talking to new people. No one stands out thus far but I have met some really nice guys who know how to hold a conversation.
 
It has been so long since I have updated or it feels that way. Probably just because so much as occurred. My head is swirling with thoughts and feelings. I live in a small town which doesn't lend well to this lifestyle and it could mean you are outed before you are ready. So if you want to hear my swirling ideas follow along, although I apologize in advance as I try to make sense of all this.

So Cubbie is still talking to Madison. They added each other on Facebook and seem to be getting a long well. She has 3 kids so them arranging to hang out sometime has proved to be difficult because she has to find someone to watch her kids. They talk a lot throughout the day and I can see how happy it makes him. I think he really likes her.

Cubbie has stepped back from talking to Catherine, though. They were supposed to hang out Tuesday and she told him the day before that she hurt her back but thought that they could still hang out (they were just going to watch movies at her house.) In the morning she tells him her back is better but she may have a cold coming on. He told her he didn't want to hang around her if she had a cold. So she mentioned Friday and since then has give several excuses for that day. It seems like she is playing games so he backed off.

He also has started talking to someone who is poly named Rachel. She seems nice. And there are two others that are in the early stages of talking. He seems to like them all which makes me a bit insecure. I don't understand how he can feel like he has a connection with almost everyone he talks to. We are vastly different. He shares a lot of his life freely whereas I am way more private. It concerns me some. Maybe that is a monogamy insecurity. I am not sure. It just hurts me that he shares private moments so easily. I don't really know how to explain it but opening up yourself like that feels like giving a piece of yourself away. I guess that is why I have trouble connecting with others because I am not always an open book and I mostly talk about general things, like personal interests. He got very frustrated with me because I tried to explain how all of this made me feel inadequate, like these people don't have to work to know personal things that I was by your side for. You just tell them and then decide quickly that you like them. He says I am way too jealous and possessive. May be he has a point? I don't know. I am just confused.

Meanwhile, Leo and I still talk. I talked to him a little more about us, so to speak. He told me that he was worried if he found someone who was monogamous how I would feel. I told him that I was fine with it. If someone I was talking to was into monogamy I would hope that they pursue that. I don't want to hold someone back from that or from hiding their dreams. He seemed okay with that and said then he didn't see a reason why we couldn't keep talking and going forward. A few days later I asked him if we would ever meet because it has almost been a month of talking and he said "That is the idea." without any other mention of it. I don't hold out much hope for it. We do talk a lot but it is mostly me holding the conversation which is the case for most of my conversations.

I also met someone else through a dating app called John and he and I talk but it is mostly small talk. He asked me on a date for this Tuesday. I am super nervous and am thinking I probably will end up not going because I told Cubbie I thought it might be a good idea for us to back off from dating. He said he is done with the idea all together so who knows. He says I am too insecure.

I have had a few random conversations here and there but nothing to write home about....

NOW FOR THE HUGE PART. So I have mentioned Daphne before. Daphne's friend was on Tinder and Cubbie said "Oh I saw a friend of Daphne's on Tinder." A few days later a profile pops up that has Daphne's name, age, and a picture of a coffee cup (which she is Always saying how coffee is her favorite thing.) The distance is 5 miles away which we all live in the same small town. We talk about how weird it is, ect.
So about a week later I match with this guy and we will call him Joe. Joe starts asking me about my open relationship and what it means and how would it work. He asks me if it would be sexual. Basically wants all the details. I answer him because I figure he is curious before we dive into seeing if it could be a possibility. I like to be upfront with people. Then, I never hear from him again. Well today I was looking at a picture on Daphne's Facebook and she was asking a question about her appearance. I go to look at the comments and who is telling her how adorable she is but Joe! Now I am wondering if she told Joe to make a profile and to ask me all the details. It is really freaky because Joe isn't someone that Daphne and Cubbie went to school with or anything. Now Daphne and Joe are all buddy buddy and flirting. So odd.
 
Whew. It has been awhile. A lot to say. I am so absolutely confused and just hurt.

So I have mentioned Jay before. He is the first person I ever "liked" so to speak or contemplated pursuing since we opened our relationship. Cubbie dislikes him strongly because he doesn't always think Jay is nice to me. Cubbie doesn't want me to like Jay or to be involved with him. Jay and I worked together, well Cubbie, Jay, and I worked together. Although we all work different shifts so we only see each other in passing. Jay and I used to work the same shift but he just moved shifts.

I had stopped talking to Jay for about a month and half because I felt like he tricked me, in a way. Jay does have a girlfriend, who he cheats on A LOT. He is a bit of a man whore. He really has no standards and I can't understand why I like him or what the interest is. He is funny. He makes me laugh. He is also very moody and can be shitty sometimes. I believe in ethical non-monogamy so I wouldn't act on anything between us because I would feel like a really bad person for hurting his girlfriend. I can't deny that there is a connection there.

Anyways I feel like I have went off topic. I stopped talking to Jay for a month and a half. We still worked on the same shift but never spoke. He would linger around me and try to work with me but I always just spoke only about work. Didn't make small talk, ect. I ended up deleting him on Facebook and later he blocked me. Then, on his last day before swapping shifts he spoke to my female coworker who I am extremely close with. He said he wanted to know if I was okay and if he did something to hurt me. She told him that I was just having trouble trusting people. (A completely different work thing). So he messages me when we are off work. He tells me he is sorry he blocked me and he is sorry if he hurt me. I told him it was okay and explained things some. That was the end of the conversation. He sent me a friend request and I accepted it. We haven't spoken since then. He doesn't like the stuff I post or really acknowledge me.

Him apologizing kind of stirred up some feelings, though that I thought I was over.

So Cubbie and I work completely opposite schedules and so we never see each other. We decided to put the open relationship on hold because we want to devote the time we do have off to each other. Then he started telling me he saw Jay at work and we started talking about that. He started wanting to talk about fantasies I had about Jay and what I like about him. We were both obviously turned on by the conversation. We later had sex.

Us talking about that in addition to Jay apologizing kind of stirred stuff up even more and I told Cubbie that I wanted to be able to message Jay and just talk to him. He was against the idea. I feel/felt very angry because he wants to use the whole Jay situation to talk about fantasies, ect. but doesn't want me to speak to him. I feel like he is playing on my emotions to be turned on. It feels very selfish to me.

Yesterday, he told me that he likes talking about those types of fantasies but he doesn't think that he alone is enough for me. It confuses me. I feel really bad about being married to someone but also wanting to explore something with someone else. Someone else who is in a relationship. Like what the fuck is wrong with me? I feel a bit shameful for being interested in other people.

So Cubbie could tell I was upset and I can tell he is upset. Oh and I would also like to say I don't put any restrictions on Cubbie he is still friends with ladies he has been interested in. He still speaks to them. I don't get mad. We agreed we couldn't pick out who each other liked all with the acceptation of Jay.

Cubbie messaged me today and said, "You can talk to him(Jay). I don't care. If that's what you want, then that's what you want. I don't want you to be with me out of some sense of obligation. I want you to pick me because you pick me. You are upset. So your obviously having a hard time with this decision. I did say I didn't care if you talked as friends, but the talking with intent is what I didn't know about. That wasn't what you wanted though. You said multiple times the reason to talk was to see what you wanted. That's ok. I don't want to be your choice by default and I don't want for there to be hard feelings on your part because you feel forced into something."

I feel like I just need time to heal and move on. Like talking about fantasies and him apologizing really confused me and moved me off the track I was on of moving on from Jay.

I guess I need help. Or advice.
 
Hi beecharmer,

It sounds like you need to decide whether you want to date Jay. You have feelings for him, yet he has tricked you and cheats on his girlfriend. You say you wouldn't act on anything between you and him because you would feel like a really bad person for hurting his girlfriend. Yet you can't deny that there is a connection. He makes you laugh, yet he is very moody and can be shitty sometimes. You seem to be saying that you want to get more involved with him, yet at the same time you were trying to put him out of your mind, and were doing fine until he apologized and Cubbie got you talking about him. So now you are wanting to get more involved with him, and wanting to stop thinking about him at the same time. I presume you realize these are exclusive opposites, you can't have both. So, you need to figure out whether you want to date him.

I suppose the ethical choice would be to distance yourself from Jay, since he is a cheater and you would not feel good about participating in that. You have feelings for him, but I think that in your logical mind, you know that he would not be a good fit for you. So, my advice is to let him go. Don't even keep him as a friend, unless you can do that without stirring up those feelings for him.

Those are my initial thoughts anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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