crosshearted
New member
Hello, so... I don't even know how to start my story but any help would do a great job with my feelings.
So, my husband and I have been in a very long relationship (+7 years). We have been married for about for years now and we've been in a monogamous journey all this time. We've always been very open and our communication is very strong, we tell each other everything and that has given us a solid loving relationship (altough it has been hard sometimes). We've explored the idea of polyamory in the past just as an exercise rather than as an intention or plan. We agreed that monogamy was the best for our case. Until we started hanging out with another couple of friends. This guy has been friend with my husband since college so we’ve both known him for about five years. He has been our friend but never as close as the past two years. Since he met this girl, our relationship became so so close because we immediatly fell in love for them together. I’ve found in her a great friend with so many things in common. And we started hanging out very often, even more and more as the time passed by. About seven months ago, in an event I saw him and I thought of him very differently it was more like… wow, he’s handsome, I like him. But I let that feeling vanished away because they broke up and we stopped hanging out together the four of us. This break-up was very hard for me and my husband, it felt like we had to rip apart our love and understand both of them. Last year (like in november) they got back together and slowly our relationship became stronger again very quickly (the relationship between the four of us) and this year we decided that we went on a trip together that we had planned before they broke-up. This trip was so amazing and joyful and in one point we started playing kissing games that didn’t went very far but I started to feel this “click” with the idea of polyamory that me and my husband had talked about in the past and with the whole topic research I’d been doing by myself. This games got very regular on our dynamic and they started getting more and more intense.
After this trip I started to get close to the guy by myself, we started talking about how we felt for each other in the past (when we first met) and right now. The conversations increased in intimacy and as I started feeling involved personally to him I talked to my husband about everything as much as I could. I wasn’t able to completely understand my feelings for him in the beginning but I knew they were walking towards the path of “liking him” more tan a friend and he used to tell me he felt the same. My husband and I started to struggle hard with this topic because he knows me so well… that he really knew my interest by bringing this up at this moment even tough I didn’t mentioned our friends clearly yet.
This guy told me that he was doing the same thing with her, by talking to her about his feelings and changes he’d been experiencing. And one day we put he whole “open relationship” idea in the table and he agreed that he wanted the same thing for us but in an ethical way, in which no one could get hurt so we had to be honest.
The flirting between us increased, got very intense and my husband knew about this. So I started feeling very weird about my friend (his girlfriend) not being fully aware of this whole situation because everytime I asked him about this situation being explored with her, he kept saying he was “working on it but still didn’t bring the topic clearly”. I started panicking, because my relationship with him had developed into a level of deep intimacy and for me, it was the time to make everything into a clear situation with my husband and with my friend. So, when I completely opened to my husband about my needs of having and open relationship with him and this guy, my husband said he’d been feeling the same interest in her (his girlfriend) but that their personal relationship hadn’t gone that far with her as mine with this guy. So we both agreed that this was the time to put everything on the table with them. When my husband talked to her of his feelings, she didn’t felt the same… she was shocked and surprised and mostly, scared. And I started freaking out, because that felt sort of “she’s completely unaware of the whole situation we’ve been picturing”.
So I approached her personally because I didn’t wanted to hurt her with all this (because I truly fondly love her) and told her as much as I could about this whole polyamory topic I’d been exploring with my husband and that it was about them. She was so panicked and scared, started crying and asked me to leave her to think about this whole thing and processs the thing before talking to his boyfriend. And everything got so fucked up, because when she confronted him he started denying the whole thing, blaming me on this situation that according to him “I was misunderstanding”. Just after this, he started being cold to me and screening me very aweful without no explanation and asking me to step back of him because he wasn’t ready to talk to me about his feelings nor giving me explanations. This devastated me so hard and my husband started to get very mad about the situation. The four-of-us relationship started to get so tense in just a couple of days and just one day he texted us (in a whatsapp group we had) that “the whole polyamory thing isn’t something we’re into so we would rather never talk about this anymore and leave this alone”. Me and my husband got so mad because he was trying to make this look like it was “our idea” the whole time. So I called my friend and told her that there was so much he was lying about and hiding and that it was necessary that the four of us had a talk face to face. When we had this meeting everything collapsed. I found out that he never talked to her about his feelings and that when she confronted him he denied the whole situation and lied about everything. She was so shocked and angry with him, everyone cried and even tough he apologized to everyone I could feel her betrayal and I felt very responsable for that too.
After this, I tried to reach out to her to apologize for the damage and to tell her that I wanted our friendship so badly I’d do anything to repair anything and she was so angry with me telling me that “we were never real friends because she couldn’t had done the same thing to a friend about going this far with his boyfriend”. I feel so guilty and wrong, but I really tried to do everything right from the beginning by sharing the whole polyamory that it wasn’t about substituting people, but more to add up to our lives and hearts.
I texted this guy once after the confrontation asking him that if he even cared about our friendship and he never replied back. So now I’ve fucking lost my friend and feel so devastated and heart-broken by this guy. My husband has been trying to help me cope with this, but he’s resenting the whole thing too… he also feels betrayed by him because he was supposed to be his friend too and knows I’m suffering about loosing both of them.
I feel that he never cared for me, I feel like if I don’t have any value for him and that she’s being very cruel to me. He didn’t even cared about my birthday (it is this Friday) and the whole plans we had together, he just fucking did whatever he wanted with me and with her.
It's important to mention that they broke up and ended up every plan of moving in together. I feel so bad for everything, I feel betrayed and guilty. I'm grieving over our two best friends and for each one of them individually
So, my husband and I have been in a very long relationship (+7 years). We have been married for about for years now and we've been in a monogamous journey all this time. We've always been very open and our communication is very strong, we tell each other everything and that has given us a solid loving relationship (altough it has been hard sometimes). We've explored the idea of polyamory in the past just as an exercise rather than as an intention or plan. We agreed that monogamy was the best for our case. Until we started hanging out with another couple of friends. This guy has been friend with my husband since college so we’ve both known him for about five years. He has been our friend but never as close as the past two years. Since he met this girl, our relationship became so so close because we immediatly fell in love for them together. I’ve found in her a great friend with so many things in common. And we started hanging out very often, even more and more as the time passed by. About seven months ago, in an event I saw him and I thought of him very differently it was more like… wow, he’s handsome, I like him. But I let that feeling vanished away because they broke up and we stopped hanging out together the four of us. This break-up was very hard for me and my husband, it felt like we had to rip apart our love and understand both of them. Last year (like in november) they got back together and slowly our relationship became stronger again very quickly (the relationship between the four of us) and this year we decided that we went on a trip together that we had planned before they broke-up. This trip was so amazing and joyful and in one point we started playing kissing games that didn’t went very far but I started to feel this “click” with the idea of polyamory that me and my husband had talked about in the past and with the whole topic research I’d been doing by myself. This games got very regular on our dynamic and they started getting more and more intense.
After this trip I started to get close to the guy by myself, we started talking about how we felt for each other in the past (when we first met) and right now. The conversations increased in intimacy and as I started feeling involved personally to him I talked to my husband about everything as much as I could. I wasn’t able to completely understand my feelings for him in the beginning but I knew they were walking towards the path of “liking him” more tan a friend and he used to tell me he felt the same. My husband and I started to struggle hard with this topic because he knows me so well… that he really knew my interest by bringing this up at this moment even tough I didn’t mentioned our friends clearly yet.
This guy told me that he was doing the same thing with her, by talking to her about his feelings and changes he’d been experiencing. And one day we put he whole “open relationship” idea in the table and he agreed that he wanted the same thing for us but in an ethical way, in which no one could get hurt so we had to be honest.
The flirting between us increased, got very intense and my husband knew about this. So I started feeling very weird about my friend (his girlfriend) not being fully aware of this whole situation because everytime I asked him about this situation being explored with her, he kept saying he was “working on it but still didn’t bring the topic clearly”. I started panicking, because my relationship with him had developed into a level of deep intimacy and for me, it was the time to make everything into a clear situation with my husband and with my friend. So, when I completely opened to my husband about my needs of having and open relationship with him and this guy, my husband said he’d been feeling the same interest in her (his girlfriend) but that their personal relationship hadn’t gone that far with her as mine with this guy. So we both agreed that this was the time to put everything on the table with them. When my husband talked to her of his feelings, she didn’t felt the same… she was shocked and surprised and mostly, scared. And I started freaking out, because that felt sort of “she’s completely unaware of the whole situation we’ve been picturing”.
So I approached her personally because I didn’t wanted to hurt her with all this (because I truly fondly love her) and told her as much as I could about this whole polyamory topic I’d been exploring with my husband and that it was about them. She was so panicked and scared, started crying and asked me to leave her to think about this whole thing and processs the thing before talking to his boyfriend. And everything got so fucked up, because when she confronted him he started denying the whole thing, blaming me on this situation that according to him “I was misunderstanding”. Just after this, he started being cold to me and screening me very aweful without no explanation and asking me to step back of him because he wasn’t ready to talk to me about his feelings nor giving me explanations. This devastated me so hard and my husband started to get very mad about the situation. The four-of-us relationship started to get so tense in just a couple of days and just one day he texted us (in a whatsapp group we had) that “the whole polyamory thing isn’t something we’re into so we would rather never talk about this anymore and leave this alone”. Me and my husband got so mad because he was trying to make this look like it was “our idea” the whole time. So I called my friend and told her that there was so much he was lying about and hiding and that it was necessary that the four of us had a talk face to face. When we had this meeting everything collapsed. I found out that he never talked to her about his feelings and that when she confronted him he denied the whole situation and lied about everything. She was so shocked and angry with him, everyone cried and even tough he apologized to everyone I could feel her betrayal and I felt very responsable for that too.
After this, I tried to reach out to her to apologize for the damage and to tell her that I wanted our friendship so badly I’d do anything to repair anything and she was so angry with me telling me that “we were never real friends because she couldn’t had done the same thing to a friend about going this far with his boyfriend”. I feel so guilty and wrong, but I really tried to do everything right from the beginning by sharing the whole polyamory that it wasn’t about substituting people, but more to add up to our lives and hearts.
I texted this guy once after the confrontation asking him that if he even cared about our friendship and he never replied back. So now I’ve fucking lost my friend and feel so devastated and heart-broken by this guy. My husband has been trying to help me cope with this, but he’s resenting the whole thing too… he also feels betrayed by him because he was supposed to be his friend too and knows I’m suffering about loosing both of them.
I feel that he never cared for me, I feel like if I don’t have any value for him and that she’s being very cruel to me. He didn’t even cared about my birthday (it is this Friday) and the whole plans we had together, he just fucking did whatever he wanted with me and with her.
It's important to mention that they broke up and ended up every plan of moving in together. I feel so bad for everything, I feel betrayed and guilty. I'm grieving over our two best friends and for each one of them individually